exboyfriend

final goodbye to Alan.

Just for myself: I need some closure about Alan on this blog. He has been long out of my life – it actually feels like a lifetime, when it really hasn’t. I deleted him off any social media by now. But I need to type some things out, to get it out of my system – out of my mind. I don’t intend to talk about him on here anymore, as I really want to cut him out of my life – out of my mind as well. If he ever decides to answer any of my unread letters, I will let you know. But I don’t believe in ever getting an answer anymore, so there’s that.

Just to show myself how long it’s actually been (sometimes it feels a lot longer, sometimes a lot shorter):

  • It’s been 2.5 months since I’ve last seen him, when he was over at my house and we got into that huge fight (May 13th)
  • The last time I heard from him “on his turn” (aka him answering my message 2 days late) has been 1.5 months ago, when he said he hasn’t read my letter yet and didn’t take it with him on his holidays and I said a day later that I will delete his number, so I had no option to text him, which he obviously saw as an invitation to break off any contact (June 14th)
  • It also has already been a month since I put my last letter in his mailbox the day he returned from his holidays… to which I never got an answer. Thank you for wasting probably 8 hours of my life on that one. (24th June)
  • And the very last message I ever got from him, which was a short “thank you” to my ‘stay safe’ message has been 3 weeks ago (30th June)

I can’t even officially say that we broke up, because we never did. But I guess it’s quite obvious that we are no longer together. It’s just… I wish he could have just explained himself at some point instead of just vanishing without a word.

Today a song came on the radio that was/is Alan’s favourite song. I actually really didn’t like that band, but with listening to it so much whilst being with Alan it got stuck in my mind. Whenever something like that happens, I keep wondering how he could have done something like that? It’s not even about me anymore, or about the hurt he’s caused me. But I just don’t understand how someone could do that to anyone?! Of course sometimes I wonder how he’s doing. If he’s suffered at least a little from this breakup. If he still thinks of me at all. What he told his father about our ‘breakup’… or if I’m just like any other exgirlfriend he’s had and he deleted me out of my mind right away.

Funnily enough, when I was deleting pictures of him off my phone, I found some old screenshots. Two weeks prior to our fight he told me how I was the one and only for him and how much he appreciated my personality. Just to be thrown away like garbage 2 weeks later. I still don’t understand his lack of fighting for this relationship. But then he never learned, so yeah.

At the end of the day, all of this doesn’t matter. I know I’m way much better off without him. I do not deserve to be treated like this and it would have never worked out in any possible way. His lack of empathy would have caused me a lot of pain on our further journey, so I’m glad I can fight this battle again by myself. I know who to rely on. It’s funny since everyone asked about our breakup I told them about me pre-cancer cells. Every single one of them has not asked about the breakup afterwards, but about my health. So it still doesn’t get into my head how my boyfriend couldn’t do that. Oh well, maybe there are people out there that need no empathy.

Anyway. As I said in my last post, I am content with being alone right now and that’s all that matters. I will try and cut him out completely. It worked with Stan, it will work with that one as well. So much for “my one” – on to the next one!

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finding love

I texted Doc on Friday, asking “do you feel like meeting up for a drink sometimes, if you find the time?” I don’t know where all the courage came from, but honestly… I already knew the answer I would get. And I knew by asking that I would know where I’m standing with him.
I also wanted to give him a chance of an excuse (no time), so he didn’t have to dump me. I figured he was the kind of person, that wasn’t able to really tell someone that he was not interested. I don’t mean this in any bad way, I’m the same. I just figured he was too nice to be that honest to hurt someone.

After I sent it I waited… and waited… and waited. There was no reply that evening. Which wasn’t that much of a surprise, as I usually got an answer super late from him. On Saturday morning there was still nothing. Neither on Sunday morning. I started to feel sad, not about him dumping me.. but just because I hadn’t thought he was the kind of guy to be ghosting me. I never actually lost the hope in him replying.. I was just,.. surprised. I can’t really describe the feeling, as I always knew he would text me at some point. But then I knew how wrong I was about Alan, so I don’t really trust my knowledge in human nature anymore. I didn’t know if I was wrong once again. I really didn’t want to be.

Turns out, I wasn’t. This evening I got a text, saying: “Yes, I would like to meet up, but the time is the crucial part… as you have experienced by me only replying now.”
I wasn’t even sad, as I expected exactly this answer. I was actually proud of me for asking in the first place and not holding back from possibly being turned down. I did text him back, that he should let me know whenever he was free and wanted to see me, as I’m quite spontaneous. I don’t expect this to ever happen, but who really knows?!

I wasn’t exactly sad. Not in a way that I have been before, when I got such an answer from someone. But then again, I think it’s because I knew beforehand that I’m not actually his type of girl. Or that’s what I think anyway.
And it got me thinking… Why just give up? Love is not meant to be “plain and easy”. I can’t expect to meet someone, talk to them for 2 weeks and then be happily in love. That probably is one reason why my relationships never worked out, as I was always so impatient. I need to really get to know someone. Even if it takes a year or even longer, who cares? Maybe he needs time for himself. He is busy, and I understand that I’m not a priority. I don’t even expect to be one. I know that if he really wanted to see me, he would find the time… but it’s not the case, and that’s totally fine.

Maybe this is meant to be a lesson for my patience in finding love. Who really knows?
When I think back to how Momo and I got together, it was actually the same. We met, we texted a lot, we had sex.. and I always asked myself what I was doing. Why we couldn’t just put a label on what we had? Why we couldn’t just fall in love with each other. But I kept doing what I knew I could deal with. And in the end (2 months later) we figured out, that we do match pretty good and this could work out. And it did (for the time being).

Maybe this is the same? Or maybe fate just made me meet him to forget about Alan (which actually really has worked. He has been on my mind a lot less, and whenever he is, I’m not hurt anymore.. so that’s great).

Who really knows? I’m just living life and enjoying what I have. Who even needs to think nonstop about finding the one? It’s never going to happen that way, and I know that.

out of my league

I guess it’s time to update on my current situation, right?

I haven’t heard from Alan. The last time that we talked on his behalf was over 6 weeks ago. As I mentioned, he does answer my texts, but not intending on any conversation or interest in me whatsoever. I have not heard one thing about any of the letters and honestly, I truly have given up about a week ago to ever hear from him again. So far I have gifted the tickets I bought for him to a friend of mine, I have deleted him on instagram a few weeks back. And I deleted his snapchat today. It was the only source of connection anymore that was left. The only way to know what is going on in his life. And I figured it was time to cut this off, too. We’re still friends on facebook, but I unfollowed him a few weeks ago as well – so I need to actively go on his profile to see anything. So that’s gonna be the last step to get him out of my life completely.
I am glad I have met Doc. He made me finally let go of Alan for good. Not that he had any intention to, or that I am hoping to fall in love with Doc. But at least this came out of it: Getting rid of Alan for good.

Now. Doc and I. A whole other story.
As I mentioned he didn’t reply to my drunk text from 3am. Saturday night I texted him again, asking if he was back to normal and asking if he even knew what my name was. This was the start of very long conversations. Turned out he wasn’t as drunk as I thought he was. He knew everything that I told him that evening. Like every detail I ever blabbered about. Which is quite the opposite of Alan. So I knew he was actually listening to me.
I’m not the biggest fan of doctors, so I wasn’t very keen when he told me he was becoming to be one. My opinion has changed completely though. He is so forthcoming and listens to everything I say. He asks about my health (which once more, was just so funny to see the difference between a stranger and Alan. Doc asked so much about my coming operation and stuff). There was a turn in conversation 2 days ago – or so I thought. I felt like he didn’t ask as many questions anymore. Or just seemed annoyed having to talk to me. I guess it was all in my head though. I mean, the texts still don’t fit on one phone screen, so you can imagine how lengthy those are. I told him last night, that he should not feel obliged to text me, even less in that length. That I do find him interesting, but don’t want to interrupt him doing things. To which he replied “that’s nice of you, but I text you because I want to and not because I feel obliged. So don’t worry about that”. I just had that feeling. He’s that kind of guy who’s just being nice to everyone and I don’t want to get my hopes up for nothing. I do think he is not interested romantically, but I just enjoy getting to know him. We’ll see how things are going and where it will lead us.

Also I found out that he’s 3 years younger than me, so that’s a thing. I just don’t think I’m his type of girl. He’s what you could call “out of my league”.

Friday night | part 1.

It is so fascinating to me, how much can happen or change in just one single day.

I wish I could tell y’all that I’m over Alan. I really do. But I’m not. Not in the least.
He came home last Monday after yet another delayed flight. No surprises: He has not texted me so far. I had days when I felt like I got over him, and then the very next day I would feel that sadness again. Some days I had given up all hope of ever getting back together with him, the next day I would just imagine being with him – because there was no other choice in my mind than being with him.
This last week has been hard on me. Probably more so than whilst Alan being abroad. Because I always had excuses why he wouldn’t talk to me then. Now those reasons are gone, and it’s just his choice.

I talked to my acupuncturist about all of this and she said something very beautiful to me:

You know, there are good guys out there. The sad part is, that whenever you fall in love with a bad one, it makes you lose trust in ever finding a good one.

This completely hit home for me, because it was just how I felt. The days on which I had given up on Alan and I, felt like I would be alone forever. And also that there are no good guys out there. Simply because I had thought so well of Alan in the beginning. He really did make me feel like he was the one. Obviously I was very wrong about this.

So. Turn in story.
For the longest time a few friends and I had decided to go to a party on Friday (yesterday). I was looking forward to getting tipsy and just forget about Alan for a few hours. But when Friday came, I woke up and I just knew it wouldn’t be a good day. I really didn’t want to go out and celebrate, yet I knew I had promised everyone I would come.
When I finally got myself ready and went to the train, I left Alan a message on snapchat. I told him to stay safe in the weather we’re currently experiencing – knowing that he’s outside for the whole weekend. I just wanted to let him know, that I still think of him and still care. I don’t know what exactly I had expected of him afterwards, but it was more than what I got. He replied pretty quickly, which surprised me. At first I didn’t want to read it, but then I knew it would be wrong to do it once I was tipsy/drunk. Me drunk texting is always bad. So I opened it, and all I got was a simple “thank you 🙂 “. Nothing else. Not asking how I was. Or “you, too”. Nothing.
And at that moment I knew things were done for real. That I would not get an answer ever. That he had long given up on us.

Now the real problem started. I knew that if I would get drunk, I’d be ugly crying about this. Whenever I am already sad and then drink, it just doesn’t end well. One friend I met up with, maybe saw me for 5 seconds and asked “what is wrong?”. But I knew if I would have to talk about it now, I’d already start crying.
However, it didn’t take long anyway. My friends saw that something was wrong, whenever I would zone out during dinner and think about how Alan has been treating me. At some point one friend asked me how things were with Alan. And I started crying. Everybody was having fun, laughing. So I felt really really stupid. Fortunately it didn’t last long, because said friend made me laugh right after. Everybody knows the story, so it wasn’t that big of a deal.

My friend held out her glass with alcohol – and I very gladly accepted it. Because I wanted those feelings to go away.

Alan’s coming back!

I should have updated you a while ago, I’m sorry. However I have found this new app “lyf” that has literally saved my life! (It’s an app you can open up a journey and just post like on a blog just smaller, but people can write comments and follow each journey by itself and so on. It really is great for (instant) support!)

So some things have been happening over the last 2 weeks. First of all I got my results of my cervix biopsy back, which turned out to be much worse than they had expected. So I need to get part of it taken out in a month, because the dysplasia has a high chance of turning cancerous. So that sucks.

Yesterday I went to Mr. Cucu’s house and on the way there I put the letter in the mailbox of Alan. I was musing whether to still “send” it or not, because after a very long talk with my mother last week, I realised that I really don’t want to be with him anymore. No matter how much he would try to get me back (which he won’t, I’ve known him good enough for that – or I’d be VERY surprised), he left me hanging for almost 2 months, not once asking how I was doing or apologising for what he’s done or anything. He didn’t even ask back about the results of my smear test, although I told him over 2 months ago! And I also told him how upset I was about him not asking about it. He still didn’t after that! So that’s just horrible, really. Anyway.

Alan is coming home today. I don’t know when exactly, as his flight got delayed again (I saw it on his snapchat, we haven’t talked in over 1.5 weeks since I deleted his number). So I don’t know when he will read that letter.
It ended up getting big – 7 pages big. I wrote a lot about how he made me feel the last few weeks and how I felt in the beginning. And also what I had hoped he would have done instead of how he reacted. I also said that he has made it very easy on himself, leaving that letter at home and just ignoring the problems at hand (did I mention that he hasn’t even read the “breakup” letter and just left it at home and went abroad for 3 weeks? So yeah). I also told him why I reacted the way I did and so on. I know, in the end this just made me that much more vunerable to him. But really? As my heart has shut off in that week whilst he didn’t dare text me (after I told him I will delete his number for the very reason of me not being able to text him again).
It is weird, because I haven’t added another page since this week. I wrote one right after I deleted the number and he didn’t text for a couple of days. When I still had hope left. But I figured why put any more effort into it than I already have, when there’s not going to come back anything at all? But now that I can’t change it anymore, I kind of feel weird. Because the last part was about me waiting on him and blah. And really, so much has changed about my feelings in just a short week. But as I said, as I don’t expect him to make any kind of move or change, it really doesn’t matter. And I might as well tell him in his face, if he decides to have enough courage to see me one more time (he won’t, really!).

I told myself already last week, that if he’s not going to text me (or whatever) until the end of the week, I’m done for good. I mean, I’m already pretty much done, but I would love to just make things straight and explain to him what he’s done to me. But also give him the chance to make up for all the faults he’s done. But I just have this feeling that I will not hear back from him that soon. And I’m okay with it.
Really. I’ve had almost 2 months now to be okay with us breaking up, and I guess it has been enough time for me to shut down. Also seeing the reaction of my friends, who all told me that he will never be able to communicate… it just proved my point, without me having to say it out loud.

I will keep you updated if he choses to talk to me. Otherwise – next one! 🙂

optimism.

After last post, I figured I had to let you know that I am still very much alive. I cried myself to sleep that night, but it did me well. (Although I still haven’t heard from him ever since)

I don’t know where the tears came from, but it was freeing. You know how people tell you that crying is freeing? It really is. I haven’t cried in so long, that I was wondering what was wrong with me. I’m not a huge crier at all, don’t get me wrong. But the sadness I had felt over the last couple of weeks was bound to make me cry, but I never did cry. I felt the tears in my mind, but not in my eyes. Since that night I’ve been waking up with tear stains down my face in the morning, not remembering that I cried… so there’s that.

However. Ever since that crying disaster, I have been feeling a lot better. I am not sure for what reason. Probably for the lack of time thinking about him. Maybe because I have continued that letter I am sending to him (and yes I decided to send it. One last try to make this work). Some part probably is, because writing that letter made me have some (last) hope. I had been daydreaming about him finally understanding what this was all about. And getting a last conversation to make it all clear to him and working through this. Together. Another part probably is, having finally understood, that there is nothing to be sad about. If he doesn’t want to be with me and fight through this, he is not worth my sadness over him. I’m pretty sure it’s gonna be too much work for him to fight for me (for the little outcome he gets). Yet there still is that tiny sparkle of hope left. But we’ll see, I guess. I’ve had the longest time to accept this, maybe I finally did.

Either way, things will move forward – one way or the other. And I need to accept this and be happy. Either with or without him.

I’m sure once this is all gone for good. Like, once he’s back home (which by the way is in a week) and does not reply to my letters or doesn’t want to work through this, the sadness will return. But then the healing can start, because there’s nothing left to do. I’ve done all I possibly can.
My friend told me yesterday that I’ve done way too much to save this relationship. And I know that I have. But I do not want to have to ask myself in the future, why I hadn’t tried everything to save this relationship. Maybe once he’s back, I don’t even want this anymore. Who really knows? My emotions have been all over the place for the last 5 weeks. What else is bound to happen to me? Seriously though. Alan has showed me love again, when I had lost all hope of ever getting that feeling again. We’ve had a wonderful 2 months and I will forever treasure those moments in me. So there’s nothing lost. I’d had a good time with him. If it’s not meant to be, so be it. I have found my purpose in life over the last 5 weeks, which is accepting that I cannot rely my life on finding a man and create a family. I have found that purpose in my work. Helping others. That’s all I can do for now. Everything else I will figure out whilst on the way.

Moving on? It’s hard.

I just woke up from a dream about Alan. 

I was watching a snapchat story of him making fun of a spelling mistake he’d made, writing on a f*cking napkin. When I rewatched it to catch the actual spelling mistake (which was ‘falll’) I also glimpsed the word ‘goodbye’. That caught my eye. Then I watched it over and over again to realise it was a letter to me. The reply. I screenshoted it, so I could actually read it in peace.

The only phrase I actually remember is “I have to say goodbye to you” and something along the lines of “I love you but I can’t endure this.”
I. Need. To. Move. On.
My dreams keep telling me not to have any hope. He has not answered my message from 2 days ago so far (neutral one). He’s been liking random girls on instagram (did I mention? Social media is toxic). And for those reasons I probably won’t send the letter to him, I have been writing on since Sunday.

I did however text him right now (it is 4am) that I need some kind of (short) answer to my letter, because I cannot live on like this. That I am having problems at school because of this and want the daydreaming and nightmares to stop. We’ll see. 

Do I expect an answer any time soon? No. 

Do I expect a positive answer? No. 

Do I think this will end up in a breakup for good? Yes.

But I need a reality check to move on, no matter how much this hurts. I did however apologise for bothering him on his holidays. I did think that I might be able to hold it off until after his holidays. But I really can’t. My body is telling me to stop. I’m constantly nauseous and am having stomach ache. I really need to move on from this. So why can’t I?

PS: it is now 2 hours later. He has been online the entire time on facebook. He didn’t feel the need to answer my message. I don’t think I have ever met anyone that has been such an asshole my entire life. Not even Stan has treated me that poorly. Which is saying something! I can’t. I just don’t understand that this should have been love. I would never in my life treat anyone I once loved like this. That is just… no respect at all. And (I wish) I am so done.