current dates (or boyfriend).

goodbye Yavin | part 2.

So actually shortly after I wrote up that post, I received a message from Yavin. I’m gonna simply state what our conversation was like and then write down my thoughts. Because I need to get them out one last time and then I’m done. For good.

Him: Hey, I do understand your argumentations, but we never really talked to each other or were serious in any way. Or I didn’t read it as more than just texting each other every once in a while. I am very busy right now and simply forgot about our date. But we only set a date, nothing fixed. So I don’t really see the problem. I’m sorry if you thought differently, I didn’t realise it was that important to you.

Me: Well, that it was just texting every once in a while for you I noticed and that’s why I asked you what you were thinking of this and YOU said that you were interested. I know that we simply set a date, because YOU said you’d text me with a time and place, because you are so busy. But it’s okay if it wasn’t that important to you, so I know it was just wasting time for you.

Him: I didn’t say that. But as I said before, I never took it as serious or that you were interested. We were fooling around and never really talked about any serious stuff. As if I had the time to just fool around.

Me: I told you pretty clearly that I am interested and that I like you. So don’t you dare say I didn’t show you!

Him: As said before, I didn’t take it as that. But let’s just leave this be, you’re just mad and disappointed, so no good start at all.

Me: I’ve told you before that I am not going to force you into talking to me or getting to know me. That’s not me and if you’re not into talking to me, that’s okay. Just like I’m not going to force you to talk to me now. If you’re giving up now, that’s okay, I’ll accept it. I just thought we matched pretty good. Sure I am disappointed, you would be the same if you were looking forward to a date that much and then he’d dump you, right? You were the first one I trusted in a very long time and that’s why I am so mad. But as I said, I’m gonna leave it to you. Sorry that this happened.

Really? I don’t even know why I apologised, as it wasn’t my fault at all. He tried to turn it around to make this my fault, but I was over this point of self-loath, because I knew I didn’t do anything wrong. I told him about my emotions pretty early on, so he wasn’t in the place to tell me that I was just fooling around!

And to not start something new, he didn’t reply to that last message to me again. SURPRISE! But honestly? I didn’t expect him to. No one else would have given him a second chance after that bullshit and yet I did. I now have deleted his number, unfollowed him on instagram and restricted him on facebook (will unfriend him soon enough). I’m not in a place to play such games, if he has a problem in reading things into pretty damn clear words.. well that’s his problem. I’m not going to run after him anymore. Sure I still feel like it was a loss, as we were having a lot of fun. But let’s be real here. I told him so many times that I was not looking for fun, I told him I liked him, and that I was interested. If this still made him think that I was not interested, I don’t know how fucked up his damn brain is. And if he really is that dumb, I am not actually sure this is a guy for me anyway.

So goodbye Yavin for good this time!

quick update on the boys

Two things happened yesterday after I wrote up that post:

  • Kenny did message me around midday, saying that he fell asleep the night before (which I actually don’t believe, because I did see that he was online at one point). We chatted back and forth, no asking of him if I would join the party… but then I didn’t really expect him to.
  • I texted Yavin in the afternoon, I just couldn’t bare the thought that he would slip through my fingers, when I had that urge to talk to him.

So long story short (it’s actually not long at all): I texted him saying:

Are you still alive or do I have to take it personally?

He replied pretty quickly that he was back to the living. So I said that I had to take it personally then and he said that I didn’t. I told myself to not get into that “self-pity” stage again, in which I hope for people to realise that they’ve hurt me without actually telling them… so this time, I simply told him. Our conversation went something like:
Him: How can I make up for it again?
Me: Well you could text me first for example.
Him: Sorry, I was ill until Thursday and had a lot of catching up to do.
Me: Well, shit happens I guess.
Him: So we’re not gonna talk to each other anymore then?
Me: I told you once before, that I am not gonna force you to write with me.
Him: That’s your own fault then. Sometimes I gotta be forced to see my luck.
Me: That’s not me though, I like when people actually want to talk to me and not be annoyed whenever I text.
Him: I’m happy whenever you do text me!

Lots of blahblah.. so in the end I told him that he should understand what this looked like. Me telling him that I liked him and then no more texts whatsoever. That everybody would ask themselves what they did wrong. To which he said that he totally understood and he was sorry.. and he would text me and we still had to grab a drink.

He said good night with the words that he will text me. Nothing till now, but we’ll see. I’m just glad I got it off my chest. Why ignore people and let them figure things out themselves, that they probably don’t even notice? Just tell these people what you feel like. It’s usually not that bad, right? I’m glad I did write. If he now decides to not text me again, so be it. I did all I could. I told him how I felt, I didn’t throw a tatrum. I let him have some time off. All is well.

But I’m not gonna ignore my gut that tells me he could be a perfect match again. Sometimes you gotta step over your pride and do something you probably wouldn’t do in another situation.

deleting all the apps

Yesterday I did something I didn’t think I would ever actually do. Although the thought has played in my mind for quite a while now. “Meeting” Yavin has just made this even more clear to me.

Although things with Yavin aren’t looking the best (still no text from him), I felt the need to finally delete all my dating apps. I deleted Tinder a week ago, because I wasn’t chatting with anyone on there. I deleted Lovoo a few days ago, because I haven’t met any serious guy on there at all over the last 2 months. And finally, yesterday evening I deleted badoo. I had been writing with a guy there for over a year. On and off. A few weeks ago I texted him again, saying just that. That we had been messaging each other for over a year and I didn’t even know his name. He was always so keen on how interested in him I was, which totally wasn’t the case. He was fun to chat with every now and then, but he had the tendency to write a whole bunch of things without actually saying anything, you know? Yesterday we somehow got to the topic of cats and he told me that he really didn’t like cats – which is a no go for me, when dating anyone. My cats are my love, they have saved me more times than humans have, so I need a boyfriend that likes cats and can actually live with them. If we’re being honest, this is not going to work, if someone doesn’t like cats (like Ken for example, or Stan). I told him that I think it’s not possible to make it work. And he then told me that he was laughing his ass off about my explanation, which got me really mad and that’s when I decided to delete the app. I told him everything I ever wanted to tell him, made sure that he read it and then deleted the app. He has no information about me so I’ll never hear from him again.

Anyway. I sure was bored this morning, not having to go through my likes or messages from guys, I wasn’t even interested in. I guess it’s just a habit and I’ll get used to it. For now I want this year to be about me and my selflove. And these dating apps are for sure not helping with that. If anything comes out of anyone I met on there, that’s fine. And if I ever feel the need to meet someone on the internet, I can just recreate a profile, right?

For now it feels good.

guys all over!

Fun story? Kenny has showed up again on Christmas Eve. As I mentioned in one of my latest post, I deleted his number after another argument. I was just done with always being the first one to text. It took him more than a month to do so. We have been texting back and forth again, him trying to flirt. But I’m just not falling for that again, and it feels pretty damn good. Like I won’t ignore him, but I also just don’t go into any of his shit. No emotions involved at all.
He actually asked to see me last week, but that didn’t happen when I didn’t ask for a time (surprise!). Then he also asked me if we could see each other again on that party we kissed on last year. But that’s not going to happen either. I’m not willing to date him as long as he has a girlfriend at all.

There are a few guys I met on several platforms on the ‘lead’ right now. I’m not sure what to expect of any of them, and I’m not sure if I should name them on here yet. For now just giving them letters though:

  • First there’s M. We have been texting a while and he asked to see me about 3 weeks ago, because he lives in the city I go to school. I was totally up for it, but he then asked me to come over to his flat and I explained that this would not happen. We haven’t seen each other yet and I actually think it’ll stay this way. For the main reason of him really liking girls that put makeup on, and I rarely can be bothered to do so.
  • Then there’s R. I really can’t recall what happened, I met him on Tinder a few months ago and for some reason I deleted his number. I really do not know why, whether he said something wrong or just wasn’t answering anymore. However, a couple of days ago he added me on Snapchat and we have been chatting over Snapchat. Today he asked me why we wouldn’t talk on WhatsApp, so I actually had to explain it. He kind of accused me so I said “you had all the time to text me as well, so…” He went on about how he thought I wasn’t interested anymore, but I just don’t buy it. Let’s see where this is leading though, he made it pretty clear I’m not the only girl he’s talking to. So I’m not sure what he’s in for.
  • And last but certainly not least: Y. He actually kind of seems like my dream-guy from what I’ve known yet. He lives close to where I work, he has a little daughter, doesn’t like going out too much, is funny, and very very handsome. We’ve been sending pictures every now and then, and he just looks so cute and I’m over the moon. We don’t actually text very often, which is very unusual for me, but it’s actually okay. Not hanging all over each other.

As you might have noticed, I did switch Dan back up to the “current dates” category. Not because we’re dating, but because he keeps coming back into my life and trying to stay there, which is really cute. I do not believe that anything is coming out of this, but he is definitely a ‘current’ for now.

I guess I’ll just have to see what 2017 brings for me 🙂 How are all of you doing in this new year?!

no social life!

Well, it has been a while it seems. There are several reasons for that. But mainly, because I just couldn’t deal with any kind of men and didn’t even want to think about anything close to dating. There was no man worth mentioning either. Most of them have disappeared from the earth – or from me at least.

However.

A good friend of mine had a date yesterday and it made me all itchy to have one myself. I’m just so sad and mad at myself. Like, everyone around me is starting to meet their (future)boyfriends and I’m still here, at the same exact point I was a year ago when Stan broke up with me. Single. Unhappy. Grumpy.

Like,… the last date I had, was with Pete in November 2015. That’s over a fucking year ago?! What happened to the girl that used to date guys every few weeks? What happened to writing with several guys at once and not being able to choose the best one? Said friend broke up with her long-term-boyfriend about a couple of months ago and she’s already dated 2 guys ever since. How am I here, over a year later and still no man in sight?! And that’s when I realise how fucked up I am. Staying at home, drowning in self-pity will not get me to meet guys. Sure, I did meet a few lovely guys at work, but seriously? What about my social life? And that’s probably why I got very itchy on going out, although I never do.

It’s not like I didn’t have the opportunity to have a date. One asked me just yesterday, but somehow my fucking expectations are just in the way all the time. If there’s the littlest things that annoys me about someone in the first couple of weeks I get to know them (on the internet, that is), I’ll just drop them. How can I expect to find someone to love with these kinda expectations? I do know there is no-one perfect out there, even less should I expect that because I am nowhere near perfect. So what is wrong with me?

Thursday we’re going out with a few friends. Maybe that’ll get me in the groove to go out some more. Who knows? (I don’t really think so, but I really need to up my social life).

no match?!

The longer I ‘know’ Dan, the more I fear that we will not really match. There’s a few things that I have noticed lately and I need to get it off my chest.

One – and probably the most important for me – is, that he never asks about me. He talks about himself all the time. It’s always about him. And whilst I am not one to seek for attention all the time, I do like when a man shows interest in me or my life. I don’t think he has ever asked me a question about my life, all he does ask is what I am currently doing and then that’s it. I gave him a few opportunities to start up a dialogue, but he never does. Simple example: I texted him this morning that I went to the movies yesterday. He didn’t say anything about it, not asking what I was seeing, with whom I went, or if the movie was any good. Just nothing. As I said, I don’t need the attention all the time, but I need some interest. All he ever wants from me is, asking if I miss him or want to kiss him, but no daily questions. I was at the doctors and showed him a picture of me getting an infusion. Nothing. Just. Plain. Nothing.

He has been in Japan for a week now and will stay another one. Of course it’s hard with the time difference, but we do text when we are online. But once more, it’s all about his adventure, no questions about my well-being. I understand, he is abroad, it’s interesting. But really?
I have booked my holidays to his city for October 25th and I let him know. The first thing he asked was, whether I would be sleeping at his apartment although I had just told him I booked the hotel already (he never listens to what I say). I explained to him, that I arranged with my friend that I could spend a day with him without her, but that’d be all he’d get. I was actually glad my friend asked me to stay and leave with her. It would have been awkward to stay at his house, if it doesn’t match. I am curious how this will end up, spending the time with him now that I am not so keen on this whole situation anymore. But we’ll see. Don’t get me wrong, I would really like this to work out, I really do. It feels like a fairytale… but then life is no fairytale and my emotions tell me different. But right now I don’t think it will work out whatsoever, yet I want it to have a chance. Who knows? Maybe I’m thinking too much again, or just overreacting.

Since he has been in Japan, he has also been drunk a lot. You guys know how much I hate alcohol, so you’ll understand. I told him several times not to text me when he’s drunk but he keeps doing so. Yesterday – once more – I felt the need to tell him what was going on, because I was so annoyed by him… so I sent him the following text:

I wanted to let you know a few things: 1. you may or may not have noticed that I have a problem with alcohol. I don’t care when you go out partying, but please do not text me when you’re drunk. I don’t know why, but I hate drunk people. And you do not have to ask me anything when it comes to alcohol. I already told you several times that I do not drink and I mean it, it’s a fact. I don’t care what everyone does around me, I just don’t drink and don’t plan to.
2. I would really like if you listened to what I say. I have told you certain things several times, but you don’t seem to take any interest in it. It feels like you don’t care or just don’t read what I write. You just asked me 5 minutes ago what I was doing and now asked again, as if I did another thing now. So I really don’t like writing anymore and that’s why I stopped texting you so much.
3. I’m no romantic. I do find it cute every now and then, but not all the time. Of course I’m happy to know that you miss me, but you don’t have to tell me 5 times a day. Same as with the ‘I love you’ it just loses its effect on me when told several times a day. But then, that’s just me.

You know, I feel like this was pretty straight forward, right? I expected him to say something about it. All I got back from him was “ok, now I know. And yes I did notice that you texted less and backed away. I’m in the hotel now.” Really? That’s all I’m gonna get? I just texted you a billion words and you let me know that you noticed and where you currently are? That’s what I mean with not caring about me. He doesn’t. It’s all about him, and I really dislike this. He went on to tell me that he messed up again (oh, you’re not gonna get pity, boy) and then went straight back to flirting afterwards. As if nothing ever happened. Why do I even bother telling him? I don’t know. Maybe because I learnt to talk about my emotions.

This reminds me a lot of a mix between Ken and Stan. Not listening and then when I get angry being all sappy. I really don’t know what to do about this behaviour. I have started to back away, not react to certain things, but he doesn’t seem to care. As long as he can talk about himself. I’m not sure if things will change once he’s back home. I don’t expect it to, other than being bombarded with texts more again. But it’s just weird. I also get pictures of him every day, and whilst it’s nice to see him, I don’t need that every day. I get that you’re proud of what you look like, but do I really want a guy like that? I don’t think so.

I don’t know what to feel, or do, or think about any of this.

 

Dan and I.

After my post last week I got very depressed thinking that I once more failed to keep a boy close to me. How come no-one can ever satisfy me? One is doing too much, the other one too little. I’m never quite satisfied with what I do get.

So I decided to just be honest. I should have learnt form my past that honesty always gets you further. Maybe you argue, but at least you get it off your chest. And that’s what’s most important. I sent him the following message:

To be honest, this is all a bit too much for me with the feelings and everything. I feel like you are reading way too much into everything we discuss und I already told you what I think about ‘love you’. You still don’t really know me and I feel overwhelmed with this situation. I do like you, yes. But I do not want or can allow more than that right now. You read so much into everything that goes via texts, interpret feelings or daydream about things, that might be completely different in real life.
I’ve told you several times that I’ll let you know as soon as I know more about my trip to your city and yet you  keep asking me about it. I told you I’m gonna go there with my friend and not because of you – as hard as this might sound. Yes, I would absolutely love to see you, but you also always keep speaking about kissing, cuddling, spending nights at your place, although you don’t know what it’s gonna be like until then.. and I’m not gonna leave my friend alone. Do you understand what I mean? I just feel like it’s going a little too fast with your emotions for my liking and I feel trapped. I’m sorry if this comes a little sudden, I just wanted to let you know why I backed away.

What he then replied I did not expect: He said that he had noticed me holding back and he expected me to say something soon. He didn’t want to trap me and didn’t expect me to dump my friend on that trip. He then said that he felt like he once more failed and felt really bad. I explained that he hadn’t failed, that it was just too much for me and I was difficult to handle when it comes to emotions. There was a lot of miscommunication and this just showed me once more, how important it is to talk. And see each other.

I was so relieved after that. I didn’t expect anything to change immediately, but I felt so much better for talking about what was going on in my head. It’s so important for me to learn and not hold my emotions and thoughts back. Else I probably will never be happy in a relationship, because I can’t expect anyone to know what I think. Especially not when it comes to emotions, as I know how hard I am to read.

However what bothers me most, is my reaction to his availability. If he keeps texting me, I get easily annoyed. If he doesn’t however, I start to miss him like crazy. What the hell brain?! For example, he’s out drinking with friends now. He does answer my text, mostly with emoticons but he takes the time. But I get no “miss you” or similar things back and it freaks me out because it makes me miss him soooo much right now. I freaking hate my jealous brain.

So yes, we’re still talking. Some days it has subsided a lot, other days not at all. He’s had some hard days lately and I really don’t know how to talk to him, because I’m not one for pity. And he hasn’t really reacted to me saying certain things, which I am used to being cared for. But whatever.

He’s leaving for Japan on Sunday, which will give us a week off and maybe things will clear out then as well. I do like him, but I’m not sure how well we really do match. He’s entirely my type physically, but we all know that this is not gonna be enough for long-term. I guess I really will have to wait until I see him again in October and see how things will go from then.