current dates (or boyfriend).

new guys in the mix

So. Things have been progressing. In a very unexpected way, but whatever. I’ll take it.

Haven’t heard from Kenny since I asked for a why. It’s fine, I’m not too upset. When we were talking, I didn’t get that stomach pain I usually get when someone is about to dump me, so I knew I had somehow already gotten over the fact of not getting together with him. However, someone commented on another post saying she had the feeling, he thinks he’s not deserving of me. Like, he thinks he’s not good enough for me and therefore will hurt me in the long run. “I personally think he actually has strong feelings for you and this is his way of protecting you“. This pretty much sums up what I had wanted to say, but was not able to articulate. But I can’t change it. If he can’t get over his sorry self, then that’s his loss. If we’re meant to be, we’ll end up together somewhen. But it needs to be from both sides and for the time being, I’m moving on.

Then to the unexpected turn: Since I was pretty pissed about every men in the world yesterday, I texted P. I told him “so we’re done now, right? Just so I know!”. I was pretty sure he would not text back, because I was pissing him off..  “I thought we’re going out for dinner some time?” was his reply. And my jaw fell to the floor. Or something like that.
Me:  Well, since we haven’t done so in over 2 months I thought the interest is moderate.
Him: You don’t have to think, you need to know! (yet another of one of his stupid ass comments)
Me: Knowing that there is no interest? Well I guess now I  know 😉
Him: Why?
Me: You said I don’t have to think, just to know.. so since I’m not allowed to think, I just know it
Him: No, but when we go out for dinner or to the movies, both of it is wrong…
Me: Knowing and thinking or what? So what do I need to do then? So let’s set a date and not just talk about it and then stop writing…
Didn’t get a reply for half a day and half-expected this to be it. Then I got this: “you gotta feel it 🙂 when and where do you wanna meet up?” This means he wants me to feel his interest, right? Or am I already reading too much into it? Anyway.

So… we’ve set a date for Friday night in a week. I still do not believe in actually seeing him that day, but I am very eager to find out how this’ll turn out. Talked to a friend about it and she asked if I will be back to how we were in September. But I honestly can’t tell. It’s been 6 months. Lots has happened in the mean time, and we’ve grown apart. But maybe we’re back at where we left? Maybe the spark will return when we stand in front of each other? Maybe there’s nothing left of the feelings I had towards him. I have absolutely no idea… I’ll just be open and see what happens, I guess.

Then to yet another guy… yep that’s me. Chaos.
I told you that I’m still on Tinder. I messaged every match the other day and started messaging back and forth with Marty. I wasn’t too keen on him, but realised he really liked me. So we exchanged numbers and started really talking. Now I actually like him as well…
The thing is, for me he’s not a Tinder guy. We’ve bumped into each other in school before, so I know what he looks like and we’ve seen each other quite a few times (well every morning for a few months, actually). We never talked in real life, so it’s funny to see this happening. He was in a relationship back then, which might explain all of this. But we’re getting along quite good and I can talk to him openly.

I am eager to meet him as well, but as of today I’m not sure what I should do. Wait till I’ve seen P so I don’t get Marty’s hopes up and don’t mix up my own feelings? Marty said he wasn’t ready for a new relationship, because he’s only recently broken up with the girlfriend. But he doesn’t talk like he’s not interested in a relationship either, you know? The flirting is decent, but it’s there. Can we meet up as just friends? I don’t know. I feel like he’s the kind of guy that falls for someone like me. I can’t really explain, it’s just a feeling.
So for now I won’t ask for a date, but I’m pretty sure he will any time soon. I guess I’ll just have to see what happens. I just don’t want to end up hurting one of them, or dating both. That’s not my kind of thing to do (even though you might think so after everything that went on with Kenny). We’ll see.

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feelings

Sometimes I hate these feelings. I was driving home from a night out with Mr. Cucu just now and listening to an old CD of mine. A song came on called “hello” (in German). It’s about how long that person hasn’t seen the other for so long and how weird it is to see them.. saying their goodbyes but him then asking her not to leave the room, but knowing she will go either way even though he doesn’t want that.
Could it be any more accurate to my situation with Kenny? I guess not. At first it was P’s song for me, because I didn’t want him to leave my life (metaphorically)… now… well it’s literally Kenny and I. Oh and by the way, when I was walking through the city today, a truck drove by with “Kenny” saying on it. This is just a nickname I gave him on here, so that was so weird. Everything is so weird. I might go crazy here.

I started remembering things whilst listening to that song:
I sometimes get a feeling when I’m saying my final goodbye to someone. It started back when I was leaving my hostfamily in 2009. I said goodbye to my hostfather, and I just knew it would be the last time ever. One could say, he’s at the other end of the world, so it’s pretty obvious that I won’t get to see him again. But I was dead set on going back to OZ once I finish my apprenticeship. That would have been in 2013 and I’m still here, not having visited him once ever since.
Then the thing with P happened. When I left his house back on September 10th, I just knew it would be the last time. Although there was no evidence as why I should think so, I knew. It’s why I wanted to go back there so badly that very same evening. Everything looked fine. We were dating, we were taking things somewhat slowly. There was no evidence of us falling out. But… it was the last time I’ve seen him, and right now it doesn’t seem like I will see him again.
And I had that feeling with Kenny last Friday as well. When he kissed me on my cheek, I knew it would be the last thing I’d get from him. No looking back. And probably not seeing him ever again. I mean this is my decision, obviously. But is it? We’ve seen each other almost every year at carnival. But I have a feeling this was the last time we met.

I hate this feeling. I really hate it, for it has been right all the time. I get that feeling with patients as well. When I’d tell a colleague, that I have a feeling he/she will die soon. And they do. Even if there is no evidence or symptoms of that patient being at any huge health risk. It happened twice this year already.

I don’t want it. It hurts to know. And I don’t even want to think about what it would be like to not have Kenny in my life anymore. But I guess I need to learn and accept the truth. It doesn’t look very good right now. Haven’t heard from him since he told me to fuck off because I was stressing him out.

I thought being busy all the time would help. I met 2 friends today, when I usually don’t see many friends in 2 weeks. And it was good. Really good to catch up and get my mind off things – at least a little. But now that I’m back home, the loneliness is even harder to bear.

Time. Much time. And little patience.

goodbye P!

I can’t stop thinking about a comment I got on here. I’m sure it wasn’t meant to hurt me, but it did just that. And now I can’t stop imagining that person to be partying, because (s)he seemed to be right. And yes, I am well aware that I’m starting to go crazy. So all is fine.

Well, long story short(ish):
It’s currently 5pm and I’m still at home. Which means I am definitely not meeting P for dinner tonight. I knew right away when I woke up this morning that it wouldn’t happen. Yet that tiny bit of hope insisted to stay. Until now.
It’s not like I was still believing in seeing him tonight. Knowing him for a little while, I knew he was one to make plans early on. So I knew this was off when he didn’t reply to my suggestion last week. I never told my mom about the plans, and now I’m glad I don’t have to explain to her why I’m home.

I can’t even say how I feel about it, if I’m being honest. I feel sad and disappointed. I’m struggling with my emotions right now, or rather the lack thereof. I’m disappointed. Not because he “dumped” me. That’d be fine. But because he didn’t even have the nerve to tell me off. He could not tell me to fuck off and get lost, but decided to just not text me anymore. Which is a huge déjà-vu to the breakup with Alan. I just don’t understand. Do these people actually think it’ll hurt the other any less, if they decide to just stop talking to that person? Sure it would hurt if he’d told me to give up. But that’s a clear cut and I can move on. But I’m still here, still hoping for what we’ve had in summer.

Don’t worry, anon. I understand now. I will move on from P. He’s not treating me how I deserve to be treated. And yet I can’t just shut that hope out. And I’m pathetic. For still hanging on after 4 months. After 4 months of mostly radio silence. Of no signs that things will get better again. Yet here I am, listening to my stupid ass heart, that doesn’t want to let go. But I’m just so done. I have at least understood that he’s not interested. Or he would have treated me differently. And yes it hurts. I had that fairytale in my head that didn’t become true.

And even after all that has happened, there’s still something left. And that upsets me even more. I know he’ll text me again eventually. But for now, I’ll be the one to hold radio silence – even though it’s his birthday tomorrow. I do want to tell him some things, but what am I hoping for? It won’t change anything. He would tell me about how he’s struggling and what not. He knows how bad his communication is, yet he does nothing to change it. So what am I still hoping for? A fairytale? I don’t know.

But it’s time to move on. And even though I know it will take forever… it is high time to do so.

I’m so done.

New Year, New Date.

So I’ve mentioned Mikey in another post before.

If I’m being honest I didn’t expect to hear back from him after his holidays over New Year. I knew he was away for 4 days and didn’t expect him to text me during his stay. But even here he surprised me and texted the very first day. We have been in contact ever since. It was much less whilst he was away, but we talked nonetheless. This is something so different to what I’m used to with P. Because the conversation was back to “normal” once he got back on Tuesday.

Now here’s the thing: As I said before, he has asked me for drinks in the beginning – way before we realised we were not looking for the same thing. I declined. Then he asked again over the holidays I think, not sure anymore. He asked again yesterday and I told him if Mr. Cucu won’t be ready I’d come over on Saturday. He then replied he won’t hold up his free time until Saturday, which is understandable. At first I was pissed, because it seemed like he really wanted to see me and then he wasn’t open to wait. But seriously, I wouldn’t do it either. So he asked for Sunday and I declined again, due to my final exam in just a month. And I really need to get my bum moving.

But.

I promised him I will take time once that is over. By then we’ll have talked for 2 months already (he messaged me December 14th) and we’ll know. I’m not sure whether he wants to see me and hopes I’ll change my mind about the friends with benefits thing or is actually interested in me. Because he seems to be. And I do really like this guy as well so far. So I’m excited to see him.
I could have met him this Sunday, but I really just wanted to see where things with P are heading. I don’t want to get myself even more messed up with two guys at once, you know? Not that I’d plan a date on Sunday and then actually would see P beforehand. That’d really mess with my head for sure.

If I’m not seeing P this Friday, I’m definitely moving on. May even start dating Mikey. What is there to lose?!
So stay tuned for some more f*cked-up-dating-disasters of mine 🙂

New Year’s Eve caught me off guard

New Year’s Eve wasn’t as bad as I had expected for some surprising turns though.
I was alone at midnight since my mother was already asleep when I came home. I did turn off the lights and phone shortly before midnight as well, but hearing the fireworks, I guess I was still awake then. But who cares really.

But now to the surprises: P texted me. Oh yeah, no actual surprise here. As I said, I had somewhat expected him to send me an unrelated picture for New Year. I wasn’t sure if it would be before midnight, but he did just that. I sent one back and then that was it. I don’t expect to see him on Friday, so there’s that. Moving on.

But then… Kenny texted me. Yes. Always-getting-back-into-my-life-Kenny. We haven’t been in actual contact since his break-up with his exgirlfriend. So that’s been a year. I haven’t seen him on carnival because I was with Alan at the time and didn’t want to get the chance to fall for him again – so I haven’t seen him in almost 2 years. For those of you, who can’t put a story to this name: he’s had girlfriends pretty much all his life, but has kissed me nonetheless whenever we met up. The last time was in February 2016 when he had a girlfriend but we had a huge making out session and I fell for him again. Everything got really messy back then and we stopped contact for quite a while. But that never lasts with us.
Well anyway. Ever since we’ve known each other, this has been an on-and-off-thing between the two of us. So I was surprised to get a message from him last night since I knew he has a girlfriend again. He’s always been in my life, no surprise there… but it always catches me off guard when he confesses his feelings towards me.

So he wished me a Happy New Year and I texted back. We started texting a lot (it was 11pm by then) and I asked whether he’s not out partying with his girlfriend. He said that he was indeed with his girlfriend, but she was already asleep. So we’re back to our old situation. We texted almost till midnight and he has also texted me again today.. so I don’t know. It’s just weird. Anyway.

So he all of a sudden said: “I liked you this year as well and I’ll keep on doing so“.
This really caught me off guard and I said that I like him as well, even though our relationship will always be complicated. So we quickly talked about how we’re always finding back together, even though we fall out on each other.. and it’s true. He’s probably my longest “friend” I have, and although it is complicated, I know when I need him, he’d be there. And it’s nice to know there’s someone out there that loves you in a very awkward way. We’ll probably never have a chance in this life time together, but that’s okay.

Plus he always tries to show me my worth whenever I get dumped again (we’re texting just now and he asked me for my new year’s resolution and I said I want to see my worth and not fight for someone that shows no interest. And he – truthfully – said: that’s not a resolution, this should be a basic). He’s cute. Even though he has done the same to me if we’re being honest,  but he always said that it was not his intention. Whatever, that’s past.

Hope you’ve had a pleasant New Year’s Eve and are happy how 2018 has started 🙂

New Year’s Eve

So here’s the thing: I always tell everyone, that I don’t care about New Year’s Eve. And that’s true for a few reasons. It’s why I’m at work tonight (I had hoped to work a night shift, so I’ll put it in for next year). However it’s a late shift and I’ll be off at 10.30pm, so I’ll be home by midnight. And even though I do not give sh*t about the change of the year, knowing I’ll be home alone by then,… still sucks.
I have always avoided going away for New Year’s Eve, because the one time I did have a boyfriend to kiss at midnight, he was having fun with his friends and I was sitting alone somewhere. Ever since, I try to avoid being surrounded by any couples, no matter how much I know and like them. I usually spent the evening with my mom, but she’s going to my brother’s whilst I’m at work tonight. So I’ll definitely be home alone. But it’s gonna be alright.

Then here comes another thing with P:
P and I have been talking again on Friday (after he sent me a selfie out of the blue – again) and once more we’ve gotten to the subject of meeting up. He had not suggested any date until then, so I figured I’d just go with it. He let me know that he was busy till January 4th but was free any other day (which leaves January 5th and 6th – great). And since it’s his birthday on the 6th, the only actual date we’d both be able would be the 5th. So I did text him saying “I guess you’ll have better things to do on your birthday, so what about the 5th?”

Guess what?
Yep. No more answer since. It’s been 2 days, so I don’t have any hope I will hear about it again. Either he’ll text me after we are supposed to meet up – or he’ll just send an unrelated picture again somewhen and not actually reply to my suggestion. But I have no hope that he will go through with the meet up anymore. Like at all.

Yes, I’m disappointed of course. I did not think he’d be that way. I’d understand if he hadn’t asked. But he did ask 2 times, got onto the subject again on Friday. So why is he doing this? Is he actually purposely trying to hurt me? Or what is going on in his fucked-up brain?!
I see all of you going “I told ya he’s playing you”. Maybe he is. And you know what? I’m just glad this happened in the old year. As mentioned above, I’m not one to be crazy about new year, new me. But this time I think it’s a good cut to move on. I know it’ll take time. And I’m actually hurt. And angry. I’m just really struggling with how he’s behaving right now. And I’m not interested in talking to him about it, so I’ll just leave it be.

I’m not sure how I’ll react once he shows up again. Whether I’ll just ignore him, or fall back into old patterns. I have no idea and I’m not putting up any goals. I’ll just see how things go. Either he texts me tonight about the new year, or I don’t expect to hear from him for quite a while.

Oh well, happy 2018. Nice to be starting it like the bullshit year 2017 has been. But gotta make the best of it nonetheless. Who knows what can be expected, right?

Happy New Year!

end of the year

An update is due, right? I don’t know, but I felt like writing, so here we are…

There have been no plans set with P so far, and I will not ask P again – no surprise here. I want this to be on his terms entirely, so I’m not asking or suggesting anything.
But I don’t know, it seems like I have gotten used to his behaviour by now. Better for me, since it’s been – what? – 4 months now since I’ve last seen him.
But I’m not worried about him vanishing again, he seems to think of me whenever he’s drunk. Or maybe he has just been silly, but he sent me a selfie of himself last night when he was out with friends. That means something right? I’m not getting my hopes up here, but there are little things here and there and I’m just looking. Not thinking about it too much whenever I’m not involved with him. And it seems to work for now, plus he’s getting back into my life on his terms more.
I have actually found myself surprised when I wondered last night, whether I had forgotten to reply to his last message, and how long it’s been since we last talked. It’s been like 4 days and it was me that last texted, but it seems to be a thing now. Not always me starting a conversation. Whatever. Moving on.

On a whole other subject: We’ve got a new boy here. I’m not sure why I even mention him, but he has something about him that caught me off guard. I met Mikey on Tinder – what is new?! We really hit it off and had so much fun texting, so soon enough we switched to texting. He asked me straight away to meet up for a drink, but when he said I had to come over to his city (1hour drive) I got my first red flag and declined. I don’t know why, but I just assumed he was looking for a relationship but from then on I was curious if he really was. Just the other day he let me know that he had just come out of a long relationship and was just looking for fun. I let him know that I wasn’t particularly looking for anything due to the situation with P, but that I was not in for fun. He seemed really distant, telling me to text him whenever I changed my mind and I let him know that the possibility of me ever searching for ‘just fun’ was very very tiny. Plus that I was sad about him “leaving” just because we’re not looking for the same thing. I mean we’ve been honest, we know what we’re getting into. Why not just be friendly?
Well, we’ve been doing just that. Chatting as friends. I was helping him out on how to talk to girls and so on.
Then he let me know today he was abroad for a few days, and I actually got sad. He had been texting me constantly and it’s nice to have someone think of you, no matter for what reason. It’s what I had missed with P and why I created Tinder in the first place. So him being away for 5 days kinda sucks, especially over New Year’s Eve… but I’ll get over it – all by myself.

The other two Tinder guys I met and were kinda cool… have pretty much vanished from the Earth again, but who cares really? One of them is going abroad for 3 months in January and only wanted sex anyway, which I denied. The other seemed pretty cool, but had been radio silent before for a few days without an actual reason (yes, I asked) and haven’t heard from him in over a week now again. And I’m not doing any more chasing this year (or the next).

So Happy New Year everyone if I don’t happen to write again (most likely, since I’m working)… and we’ll see each other next year. Whatever may happen, let’s get surprised! Can’t get much worse, can it?