out of my league

I guess it’s time to update on my current situation, right?

I haven’t heard from Alan. The last time that we talked on his behalf was over 6 weeks ago. As I mentioned, he does answer my texts, but not intending on any conversation or interest in me whatsoever. I have not heard one thing about any of the letters and honestly, I truly have given up about a week ago to ever hear from him again. So far I have gifted the tickets I bought for him to a friend of mine, I have deleted him on instagram a few weeks back. And I deleted his snapchat today. It was the only source of connection anymore that was left. The only way to know what is going on in his life. And I figured it was time to cut this off, too. We’re still friends on facebook, but I unfollowed him a few weeks ago as well – so I need to actively go on his profile to see anything. So that’s gonna be the last step to get him out of my life completely.
I am glad I have met Doc. He made me finally let go of Alan for good. Not that he had any intention to, or that I am hoping to fall in love with Doc. But at least this came out of it: Getting rid of Alan for good.

Now. Doc and I. A whole other story.
As I mentioned he didn’t reply to my drunk text from 3am. Saturday night I texted him again, asking if he was back to normal and asking if he even knew what my name was. This was the start of very long conversations. Turned out he wasn’t as drunk as I thought he was. He knew everything that I told him that evening. Like every detail I ever blabbered about. Which is quite the opposite of Alan. So I knew he was actually listening to me.
I’m not the biggest fan of doctors, so I wasn’t very keen when he told me he was becoming to be one. My opinion has changed completely though. He is so forthcoming and listens to everything I say. He asks about my health (which once more, was just so funny to see the difference between a stranger and Alan. Doc asked so much about my coming operation and stuff). There was a turn in conversation 2 days ago – or so I thought. I felt like he didn’t ask as many questions anymore. Or just seemed annoyed having to talk to me. I guess it was all in my head though. I mean, the texts still don’t fit on one phone screen, so you can imagine how lengthy those are. I told him last night, that he should not feel obliged to text me, even less in that length. That I do find him interesting, but don’t want to interrupt him doing things. To which he replied “that’s nice of you, but I text you because I want to and not because I feel obliged. So don’t worry about that”. I just had that feeling. He’s that kind of guy who’s just being nice to everyone and I don’t want to get my hopes up for nothing. I do think he is not interested romantically, but I just enjoy getting to know him. We’ll see how things are going and where it will lead us.

Also I found out that he’s 3 years younger than me, so that’s a thing. I just don’t think I’m his type of girl. He’s what you could call “out of my league”.


another argument

Last week Alan and I had another argument. Well, argument actually is the wrong wording. It was more of a discussion. I asked him whether it would be okay if I went to the movies with Mr. Cucu, because we had to plan our holidays together afterwards.

Short story behind all this: I asked him pretty much in the beginning of getting to know him whether it would be okay if I went on holidays with Mr. Cucu for 2 weeks in summer. He said that it was okay back then (about 1 month ago). When I mentioned the holidays again last week, he asked whether Mr. Cucu had a girlfriend or not. I said “not that I know of”. He was just like “okay”, so I knew something was up.

I told him once more that if he wasn’t okay with me going on holidays with Mr. Cucu, he should let me know now, not once we’ve booked everything. He said that it didn’t bother him, he just has never been in that situation before. When I asked once more he said “I don’t want to ruin your holidays, but if you’re staying in the same room…… it’s not like I don’t trust you, it’s just weird for me.”

I tried to explain to him that I totally do understand his point of view and that I would not be okay if the situation were reversed. But also that Mr. Cucu was more like a brother to me, that we never cuddled or anything the like (which is true.. Although there once has been a time when I wanted to date him, this has long been gone. I actually never could have imagined actually kissing him, even during that time). He then just said “well there are rooms with twin beds, right?”

But somehow it just didn’t felt like we were done yet, so I said once more that I would understand if he told me not to go on holidays with him. He said “I already told you how I think about this. I trust you and I am not going to forbid anything, it’s just a weird situation for me.” I once more explained that I would not be angry and I did not see it as “forbidding”, that I wouldn’t have asked if I wouldn’t have changed a thing, right? I would have just said “I’m going on holidays with Mr. Cucu, I don’t give a fuck whether it bothers you” (pretty much like I did with Stan…) So he was saying that he didn’t want to intervene into this friendship. But that he would be okay, if he knew that we had a “healthy distance” and would not sleep in the same bed. That’s when I told him he should meet Mr. Cucu and see how we’re dealing with each other.

We did not talk about it again afterwards,… I did tell him that I wanted to talk about it again, until I actually had the feeling that he was okay with it. This hasn’t happened yet, BUT he has met Mr. Cucu last weekend and to me it felt like they were getting along. They will not become best friends, but they seem okay. So I’ll have to ask him again how he feels about the situation.

It’s really weird for me, to actually talk things out and not shout at each other and have no understanding whatsoever (like things went with Stan each time we argued). It’s great to actually have someone understanding and loving. That’s how it should have been all along, right?!

Offtopic: What was really cute and surprising: he actually remembered the date when we first met (I didn’t know by heart). We were talking about which day to take as our anniversary day (because let’s be honest, Valentine’s day sucks as an anniversary day) and I said we could take the day we met. But who cares really?! As long as we stay together 🙂

I might have a date! | part 2.

It was good news about Kenny yesterday, right? But I was feeling ambivalent about this. The thing is, around the same time that Kenny texted me – so did Yavin.

I hadn’t heard from him since Saturday night, when he told me he would text me very soon. Then I had no text on Monday… or Tuesday. I did somewhat let my hopes slip away. Deep down I knew he would text me eventually, we were having too much fun together for him just be ghosting on me. But I just wanted to leave him be. Give him some space… and time. And I wasn’t sure how long my patience would stick with me or if Kenny would be first.

Today it happened. He texted me about a picture on my instagram (he told me not to chop my hair off, which I indicated). We started to talk and fool around. It was like that almost 2 week time-out never happened. I was having so much fun and I realised how much I actually liked that guy.

And that’s when I told my friend “this is gonna end up… in a huge mess!” I had it in my gut. I hate my gut, because it’s usually right. She looked at me like an alien and I said “they’re gonna both ask me out on a date!” Although Kenny hasn’t, Yavin actually has. And Kenny’s admission felt something alike.
I was am so scared that I’m gonna have to date 2 guys – which I won’t do, let me be explicit. But I’m having issues, telling Kenny all about my feelings and then starting to date another guy the very next day?! What is this going to look like?! Sure, he’s had way too much time to make it possible before. Too much. But really, am I going to be okay saying no? I’m not so sure. And which feelings are true?!

But back to the story. Yavin and I were texting back and forth the whole day. In the evening he was like “no let’s be serious. Either we’re going to be sexting or go have a drink together and take this seriously!” And I told him the same thing I did a few weeks ago. That he had to tell me a time, and I was totally up for it.

So here’s the exciting news: I’m gonna have a date in a week with Yavin. And I am sooo excited and scared and nervous! We were talking about the same thing as before, me telling him to set a date – as I’m not very busy. Him telling me that he was being very busy, so I told him that I could go over to his city to save him some time. He told me that he didn’t want that so I was like “well, I’m gonna be back at work in March…” (I’m working in the city next to his) and regretting that already. He then said “well okay, then let’s date in March”. I was sitting on the floor at that time and I was so upset with myself for saying that… Until he said “no seriously though, are you free next Wednesday?” Hah! Here we go!

I mean, he could still cancel. Or not talk to me until then. Or whatever. But for now I am very excited to see him!
And I also was so glad that it would be before that party. I swore to myself that Yavin would get that chance, and if we’re not really matching in real life (which I seriously doubt!) Kenny could still get a shot. But for now, I’m gonna concentrate on Yavin.

Am I doing this right? Dating and so forth…? 😀

Yavin, I feel good about you!

I feel really stupid to write this, but I need to get my thoughts out there more. I felt very depressed over the last few months when I didn’t talk to anybody about my feelings. Although it may seem crazy to talk to all of you guys (or better, just me rambling on), it does help so much for my mental health!

As I mentioned in my last post I have met quite a few guys. Well, I haven’t really met them, but just got to know them over the internet (what else?!). Y – also known as Yavin – being one of them.

Just believe me when I say I feel pretty damn stupid and like a 12yo teenage girl, but somehow I feel like he could actually turn out to be the one. This is just as stupid as it sounds in my head, I haven’t even met him for real yet, so how come?
I really can’t explain this, it’s just a feeling. A very good feeling at that. I briefly mentioned how he looks so good? Yeah, he does. His eyes are wonderful, I keep finding myself switching through his pictures (he actually told me to add him on facebook, so I don’t always have to stalk his pictures on the dating app – hah, good on you girl for making it subtle… not. Oops.) I don’t know the last time I did that (it probably was with Dan). I just generally think of him a lot. And I do know that I don’t even really know him for real.

Yesterday we talked about serious matters for the first time since we met (about 2 weeks ago, well actually he texted me for the first time on 23rd December). I told him that I really can’t say what he thinks of me. So he asked me what I wanted to know exactly.
Me: I don’t know whether you make fun of me or are actually interested. Or what could come out of this?
Him: Sure! I am interested in you, I just don’t really know you. You’re funny, which makes me say things – I’m not making fun of you!
Me: I don’t have a problem with your humour, I just don’t know whether it’s platonic or could turn out into more (as that’s what I’m used to with my boys at school). Know what I mean? I feel very stupid writing this.
Him: No! I do understand you. We do have to have some more intense contact or have a drink to get to really know each other. So we can tell what this is going to be.

So I said that I really would like to meet him, it’s just hard with his daily schedule (as mentioned, he has a daughter and she stays with him every weekend, he is active in a sports team and goes to school twice a week.
We haven’t actually set a date yet, but I am eager to meet him. But I don’t want to force him to anything. I’m just really holding back with him, I don’t know why.
Once I realised that I might actually see him for real, I started to get very self conscious. What if I am too fat for him? What if he doesn’t like my hair? Or just me overall? That’s a feeling I haven’t had in such a long time! I’m usually pretty keen with who I am, but realising how good he looks and that he’s just into sports overall made me… actually made me workout yesterday *laugh awkwardly*.

Anyway, this was a very long post to just say that – yes – I feel very connected to him although we haven’t talked as much as I am used to. BUT I feel good about this – for some unknown reason. I do not want to get my hopes up, and I am well aware that this could be one big failure and I should not read anything into this. But I’m just excited.

That’s all.

Happy Birthday, Kenny!

Just a quick update as I am suffering from immense back pain, and I need to keep moving to make it go away and have been writing an essay for school due on Friday for the last 3 hours…

Today was Kenny’s birthday. His package arrived on time. I actually was really nervous when I realised that he might not react the way I expected him to. What if he’d hate it? Or hate me?! But I was worrying over nothing. When he got home in the afternoon he at first just texted me saying “you’re such a dumbass :-* 😀 “. He then told me how happy he was about the presents and that he’s going to think about me every time he uses one of these things. Cute.

I found that very charming and found myself grinning all the while thinking about it. He was genuinely happy and that was a rarity for me. This is a replaying scene actually. Me grinning when thinking about him. And I wish I could stop it already again, but you know, sometimes it feels good to just be happy. Although I know I might never get what I want from him, at least for these tiny moments I am happy. Until I find someone worth loving, who will love me back. And maybe one day I will get used to the thought of him never going to be mine. Who knows really, what the future holds for me?!

happy single! Why?

I am so freakin sick of people thinking they know me better than myself.

“Stop lying to yourself, you do want a boyfriend!”

Umm.. no, I – for God’s sake – don’t! Why do people assume that in today’s world we do need that other half? Why can we not be alone and be happy nonetheless? I am so sick of explaining myself over and over and over again. It is okay to be alone these days, it’s okay to be able to work things out all by yourself. Yes, people nowadays are scared of ending up alone. They rather take the next best thing they can lay their hands on, than be alone. I get it, I totally get it. I am not saying I want to end up alone or would be okay with being alone all my life. I do want family. And someone to be close with. But right now,.. I just don’t. I don’t have the time or patience to work on a relationship or even building up a decent fwb or anything alike. I don’t want any emotional work going on right now, so I just tell the guys I meet that I am not interested in anything but chatting every once in a while. Is that wrong? No, it’s not.

This conversation just happened, though:
Guy: What are you looking for on badoo if you don’t want a boyfriend/date/fwb?
Me: Nothing at all 🙂
Guy: Meeting new people?
Me: Maybe.. it’s more a kill-the-time-thing for me
Guy: There’s nothing wrong with getting to know each other. You can’t lose anything, right?
Me: Never said I did. I just don’t want to date anyone.
Guy: Right now you don’t want to 😀 maybe you will meet someone you really want to get to know in real life, so you will date him at last. You never know what awaits.
Me: Sure thing, just wasn’t the case yet though.
Guy: Well, what hasn’t happened yet, can happen soon enough, right?
Me: Yeeeees, I never said I would decline a date, holy… but I do not look for a boyfriend and I am not interested in dating anyone right now
Guy: Why not interested?
Me: Just because…
Guy: there’s no “just because”…

For God’s sake, is it so hard to just accept that a girl does not want to date? What is so wrong with being totally comfortable without dating, making out, having a boyfriend or whatever? Why can I not be happily alone? What the actual fuck?
I am so upset that people cannot simply accept my way of thinking. I don’t hurt anyone, I am upfront – so where’s the big deal with that? I just don’t understand.

all the feels!

This post is not going to be about any of the new guys I’m trying at least. I just wanted to say how happy I am.

I have been happy since the breakup, I’m not gonna lie. My life has increased a lot. Just today I said to my mom I am so glad that the anxiety is gone again. I’ve had one panic attack, which was kind of still connected with Momo, but ever since that (it was in December): nothing. I was in a crowded place today, which usually brings anxiety to me. Nothing. I am so much better without him and I am wondering if I didn’t even have a problem in the first place, but was getting anxious because there was no understanding from him? I will see. In November I’m going to a concert with my brother and if I don’t get anxious then, it really was because of Momo. Like, I know that I am scared of crowded places, but it was never as bad as with Momo. Anyway I’m chattering, you get the point!

So yes, I am much happier without him. But you know what?

I am even happier now. It is great to feel something again. Yes, I am absolutely terrified that I let too many feelings slip from my little castle I have built up. I am so scared to meet Ken and not get what I want. Or not be able to give him what he wants. I am absolutely shattered about it. But then again, I am also very happy that there are feelings again.
When I broke up with Momo I just switched them off. I just didn’t let any emotions slip anymore, because I was done trying to deal with all the emotions at once (has anyone seen “The Vampire Diaries”? It feels like the humanity switch to me..) But now, getting back into flirting and getting attention. Being told what a wonderful person I am. It feels good. Really good. And yes, there might be pain, and I might not get what I want. But at least I feel again, and I am glad.

I have been dancing around the house all day today. I was actually full with energy, went out for a run after walking for 40minutes straight already. I didn’t do as much in the last half year in one day. (At least not when I wasn’t angry and wanted to get that out). Where does the energy come, when I slept a total of 10 hours for the last 2 nights? Yes, it is the happiness. I fell asleep with a smile on my face, and woke up with one. I haven’t felt this good in a long long time.