New one – Max

I’ve just returned from a new date. And after I’ve been so sad after the last, I was a bit held back about being eager about this one. But everything was different. We had been texting for hours for 2 days, we just clicked right away and honestly – everything was easy and right. So I kind of made him as whether we could meet up l. He works shifts as well. So we had to find a day and turns out, if we are spontaneous (and it was about 1am by then) we could meet up that same day around 11am.

I was so nervous and I told him. I didn’t sleep till 4am, I woke up around 8am again and was so done with life. But yet. Very happy to see him soon. He told me he had been nervous as well, which gave me some relief. He texted me around 10.40 tha the might be late so I just walked very slowly to our meeting point (he came to my town). By 10.50 he texted me, saying he was already there. So I walked a little faster and then didn’t see him at the palace we said. I texted him “where are you hiding” and whilst I waited for his response I saw him in his car. It made me laugh, because he didn’t notice me so I sat there looking at him until he got out of the car. He then saw me and just shook his head, smiling. We hugged hello and went into the cafe.

We talked. We ate, we drank.. toll like 4.30pm, so 5 hours of talking and we had it all. Funny stories, sad stories, opinions about stuff, stories about our past dates and exboy-/girlfriends. It all just matched perfectly. And he was looking so good, honestly. I kept looking at his lips. Because he is so beautiful and it was the first time I started thinking about a kiss… but knew I did not want to make that first step.

At one point in that conversation he said, he would have a big dinner, so I guessed he had some plans in the evening. Which was fine for me. By 4pm he asked whether we should go for a walk, so he payed the bill and we walked to the lake. We bumped into my best friend, which was kinda awkward because I hadn’t told her that I’ve met someone. We talked for a little while and went on (and saw 2 other people I knew)… we then sat at the lake again, talking, blabering and just having a blast. I started reaching out to him from time to time (holding his arm when telling something, clapping his arm when he was making fun of me and stuff like that). There was still no moment of kiss and it was fine by me. At around 7pm he asked whether I wanted to go home and even though I really didn’t, I have an early shift tomorrow so I knew I needed to get home. And he was hungry.

He drove me to my place and he asked me whether I needed the free pass (I had told him the other day. That f it was really a bad date, we would take a free pass and forget about the first date and get another one). I had completely forgotten about what I had said about the free pass. So he reminded me. However… during the whole date I kept saying “on our next date” or “when we see each other next time” and at one point took it back, realising that maybe he didn’t want to. And he took that as an “you don’t want to see me again”. Anyway. So we said goodbye and I told him to text me when he was home.

I texted him whilst he was driving home. That I had really enjoyed the date and would like to use the free pass. But because I wanted to see him again. But I would be ok when he didn’t. Because I hurt his arm and just funny stuff. He sent me a voice message saying that he had really enjoyed that date and would like to continue seeing each other. So I guess we will…:)

Kissed my boss

I’m feeling so weird. As I’ve mentioned in my last post, my feelings about my boss Max… Are whatever. Last week, we were at a party and I knew my boyfriend and him would meet again. Which is not a bad thing at all, but I wasn’t sure how either one of them would react. My boss did not hug me hello, which was okay (but also obvious since he hugged everyone except for me). And after a couple of weird minutes between Scott and Max, they got along again.

I pushed my thoughts far away. I have now just woken up from a dream about kissing Max. I was feeling better when I got to know last week that he has been with his girlfriend for 11 years. But my gut feeling is telling me, they’re not happy anymore. But it doesn’t matter. This is NOT going to happen.

However. Someone at work got the flu and therefore can’t go to work. I offered to take his shifts. There were several other people able to take his shifts. My boss then came over to me and said that I would be the one to take the shifts, because he did not want to spend all night with the other girls… You know? I know he likes me, but I’m just not sure what it is between us. And maybe it’s good I leave, so my feelings can vanish again. It just threw me off this morning, sleeping next to my boyfriend and dreaming of kissing my boss (and a friend of him). I feel awful to be honest, although I know it is not my fault.

What the…. F***

weird feelings and moving in

This probably is going to be along one, because I need to vent. There are several things that have been on my mind lately and just need to type them out. I don’t necessarily need advice, just… just get it off my chest I guess.

So there’s 2 main things on my mind right now. Let’s start with the good one: Scott and I are moving in together. We went to see some flats last week and have now just gotten the contract to the one flat we really wanted. So we were so happy about it. I’m not yet sure how good we will match when living together, because I have been needing a lot of time to myself lately and not sure how good that will work once we live together. On the other hand, he probably won’t be as clingy if we see each other daily. With us working irregular, it has been a bit hard (on him) to not see me for a few days due to our work. But he has been getting better, after many conversations.

Now the thing is,… I’ve been having weird feelings toward my boss. I need to get a little into the past to clarify things. My boss Max is a old friend of Scott. They’ve been working together like 10 years ago. They both come from the same country and have emigrated to my country a few years ago. Boss has come to the hospital I work at, because Scott first worked there as well. I did not know him beforehand, but remember the day they told me about a new colleague. I was single back then and when I saw his age (2 years older than me) I was very hopeful it would be a beautiful, young man I might date. Who knows what was going on in my wicked head, but whatever. And then the first day he came, he indeed was beautiful. But also told me pretty early on that he has a daughter, as well as a girlfriend – not married though. So I was done with the idea of dating our “new cool young colleague”. Move forward to October last year, when Scott left our work place. Somehow I’ve gotten to be the replacement of Scott, which means Max talked to me a lot and told me all the secret things nobody should know in our team. He had become boss back in May, so that has been a while. I never really talked to him a lot beforehand, but once Scott was gone, we started talking. A lot.
We also spent a lot of night shifts together and therefore had a lot of time on our hands. We got along perfectly. I also talked to him about my issues in my relationship, since he knew Scott and could help me about at times. But also told me that it was just Scott the way he was. I started to realise that Max had a lot of things I loved, which Scott lacked of. Like he was young and already studied a lot, was my boss, had a lot of freedom and so on. Just things that I missed in Scott. So I started to dream of being with him instead of Scott. It seemed like he was a better Scott. I knew that I was talking myself into things, that weren’t true – one because my relationship with Scott was hard at the time and two because I did not actually know Max that good personally. Like I know a few things about him and have been at his place (not alone!), but… there are a few things I also don’t like about him. But we’ve been getting closer and closer. And I know that Scott hates it. Anyway, just today – once more – we talked about our team and how the future will look like. I’m leaving that work place in April to study in another city. Max and I have been talking about me going back once my studies are done, and I know he would love to take me back. He never actually said it, but just today said again “you just go and study and in 2 years we will see ;)”… it’s not that I don’t love Scott, or that I do not want to be with him. I guess it’s just me reasoning of being sick of how hard it has been in that relationship. It has been a lot of work, but then also Scott has been so good to me. Like he is such a good person.

However… I haven’t been feeling to spend time with him. I did not want to be physical with him, although the sex is great *TMI* so I guess.. I just wanted to have a reason. Max definitely is not one, and I do see a future – like long time future with Scott. I do not want to leave him or there are no thoughts of breaking up with him. But there have also been some thoughts about Max and how a future with him would look like.

I don’t know. This makes no sense at all and I do not know what is going on in my brain. But I just needed to get it off. Hopefully once I’m leaving my work place, these thoughts will leave as well. Although I also kind of wanna keep in contact with Max. Which I’m not sure I will do, due to obvious reasons. But then also he said today we need to go out at some point (WITH Scott, so no date – don’t get me wrong). Anyway, we’ll see what the future holds.