heartbreak

goodbye P!

I can’t stop thinking about a comment I got on here. I’m sure it wasn’t meant to hurt me, but it did just that. And now I can’t stop imagining that person to be partying, because (s)he seemed to be right. And yes, I am well aware that I’m starting to go crazy. So all is fine.

Well, long story short(ish):
It’s currently 5pm and I’m still at home. Which means I am definitely not meeting P for dinner tonight. I knew right away when I woke up this morning that it wouldn’t happen. Yet that tiny bit of hope insisted to stay. Until now.
It’s not like I was still believing in seeing him tonight. Knowing him for a little while, I knew he was one to make plans early on. So I knew this was off when he didn’t reply to my suggestion last week. I never told my mom about the plans, and now I’m glad I don’t have to explain to her why I’m home.

I can’t even say how I feel about it, if I’m being honest. I feel sad and disappointed. I’m struggling with my emotions right now, or rather the lack thereof. I’m disappointed. Not because he “dumped” me. That’d be fine. But because he didn’t even have the nerve to tell me off. He could not tell me to fuck off and get lost, but decided to just not text me anymore. Which is a huge déjà-vu to the breakup with Alan. I just don’t understand. Do these people actually think it’ll hurt the other any less, if they decide to just stop talking to that person? Sure it would hurt if he’d told me to give up. But that’s a clear cut and I can move on. But I’m still here, still hoping for what we’ve had in summer.

Don’t worry, anon. I understand now. I will move on from P. He’s not treating me how I deserve to be treated. And yet I can’t just shut that hope out. And I’m pathetic. For still hanging on after 4 months. After 4 months of mostly radio silence. Of no signs that things will get better again. Yet here I am, listening to my stupid ass heart, that doesn’t want to let go. But I’m just so done. I have at least understood that he’s not interested. Or he would have treated me differently. And yes it hurts. I had that fairytale in my head that didn’t become true.

And even after all that has happened, there’s still something left. And that upsets me even more. I know he’ll text me again eventually. But for now, I’ll be the one to hold radio silence – even though it’s his birthday tomorrow. I do want to tell him some things, but what am I hoping for? It won’t change anything. He would tell me about how he’s struggling and what not. He knows how bad his communication is, yet he does nothing to change it. So what am I still hoping for? A fairytale? I don’t know.

But it’s time to move on. And even though I know it will take forever… it is high time to do so.

I’m so done.

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my 2017.

I was talking to a friend the other day on our way to work. Out of the blue she stated:  “I’m so glad 2017 will be over soon“. Of course I asked her why she thinks so, and she just said that it had been a shitty year. This of course got me thinking. Yes, it definitely has been a shitty year. For me as well.

Just a short recap of my love life:
It started out with the failed date with Yavin. I’ve never ever heard back from him since. Fortunately it didn’t take me too long to get over him, since I’ve never actually met him in reality. I mean I cut my hair short because of him, which was positive, since I had been planning on it a while and never actually went through with it. But it was a pretty crappy way to begin the new year with.

Shortly after I met up with Alan, who I’d known for ages before. I was so happy about meeting him. He felt like “the one”. Sadly I realised with our first argument 3 months later, that he definitely wasn’t the one. He ghosted me after I told him what I wanted. I had tried for like 2 months to talk to him, talk about this whole thing, even save the relationship. But I’ve never heard back from him. I was done with love by then. I was so sad about the break-up that actually wasn’t one at all. I had lost my hope in true love. All seemed so perfect in the beginning.

I decided to concentrate on school from then on. At least it was my final year, I had my essay to write, I had exams to take. There was enough going on to get my mind off things. I think early July when I met Doc on a party was when things started to change. I went out with my friends more, I did school work and so on. However, I still felt lonely. I wanted to get my mind off with other men. So I recreated my Tinder profile.

This is where I met Paraplegic. Early August he messaged me. I wasn’t sure about him, he seemed different. But I just got over myself and met him on August 24th. From then on things changed. I was so happy, I was my old bubbly self. I’ve moved on from Alan. Unfortunately his father passed away on September 13th, which set a huge stone in our path. Everything changed. He backed away. Completely.
I have not met P ever since, and yet I’m still here thinking about him daily. I thought I needed to forget about him, so I recreated Tinder once again early December. I’ve met a few decent guys on there, but there was no intention on actually meeting them in reality. I knew it would take a while to get over P, but I had not imagined it to be that long.
He’s back again. Somewhat. When he asked to see me again. And we’ll see how this continues in 2018.


So yes, looking at 2017 this way, it has been pretty damn shitty. My heart got broken with every try of dating someone. Not once, not twice, but three times. I had given up on love completely a few times, too. And yet, now sitting here, reflecting on the year, I don’t feel bad about it. I believe in love, no matter the outlook right now.

I got to experience – what I feel like might be – true love. I have met incredible people, I’ve found new true friends in school, that I will not trade for anything. I’ve got more presents than the last few years, and well thought-out presents at that! I got accepted for my dream job next year. I’m finally finishing school in just 2 months. I’m back on good terms with my brother. I have a loving relationship with my nephew and niece. There’s not much more I could ask for. I get love from the people around me. And although I might go into 2018 without a boyfriend and feeling somewhat lonely, I’m loved. And perspective is all that is needed in life.

Yes, it has been a shitty year. But a lesson I have learnt just recently is: if I focus on positive things in my life, I will be happy, no matter the circumstances. There’s never going to be all good or all bad. It’ll always be a mix between the two. Sometimes the bad overweighs, sometimes the good. What is important, is to focus on the positive and move on. Reach for my dreams, fight for what I want. And then life is worth it. It is worth the struggle, the hurt, the tears.

Your life is worth what you make out of it. And that’s how I want to end 2017 and start 2018. And although right now P doesn’t seem to be in a place I want him to be, I know he’ll be back in my life in some way. I had hoped to see him before New year’s eve, so as to let the heartbreak in the old year – if it ends up like that. But it’s not gonna happen and that’s perfectly fine as well. I know there are a few people that do think he’s playing with me, but I’m giving it a try nonetheless.
Without darkness, there is no light. Without hurt, there is no love. If there’s an 50% chance of me ending up hurt about him, I still have a 50% chance to end up happy with him. And that’s worth it and what I’ve decided to focus on.

I’m living my life. I fight for what I want, no matter what anyone else says. The one thing I’ve learnt from 2017 is: to trust my gut and just do whatever feels right to me. Because no one else has to live my life but me, no one else knows how things feel, so no one can decide what is right for me.

Merry Christmas and a happy new year, lovely readers. Thank you for being here.

getting over P

Today was the first time since I returned from holidays (5 weeks) that I felt like crying about P. I didn’t, but I was close to having a meltdown.

It’s mostly because I listened to a song from Mark Forster. It’s German, so there’s no point in putting it here, since most of you won’t understand. But it’s about how you keep thinking about someone, although you really want to forget about them (click here if you want to listen to the song either way).

The lyrics just spoke my mind. Although I keep pushing P away so hard. So hard. I just can’t shake him off. And that’s what the song is about.
I’m just glad that I won’t see my school friends anymore now (at least till March), since they’re the only ones that know about the situation and now no one keeps asking me about him all the time. But it doesn’t matter, really. If I’m being honest to myself, I can’t shake him off. I wish I could. And no matter how much I lie to myself that I forgot about him…

Well. I didn’t.

As if it wouldn’t have been enough to be reminded by a song, I dreamt about him last night. Once more I had a dream about being pregnant and he was the father. Somewhen we’ve had sex and were not talking to each other, so it was pretty much the current situation. I didn’t tell anyone, but then started having contractions after work (was still at the hospital). In the dream I texted him, letting him know his kids were going to be born soon, to let him know he could be with me along the birth. He didn’t believe me that I was pregnant since I’d told him before I was not pregnant (once more, reality). I then just said that it was his loss and I was going to care for them by myself then and he can get lost.
Long story short, I woke up, holding my stomach real tight. I have dreamt about being pregnant before, but I never was as anxious when I woke up. About losing my babies. About not actually being pregnant, when it felt so right whilst asleep. Some part of my brain probably had hoped, this way I could get him back into my life… Stupid.

When I first woke up, I did muse whether to let him know I had dreamt about him. But then I realised there was no point. If he didn’t want to talk to me the last 2 weeks, he won’t want to talk to me the next few months either. I could text him. He would reply. We’d have a conversation, all well.
But where’s the point?! Torturing myself by keeping up a contact that is only wanted by me? Not gonna happen.

I just wish I could get over him already. But knowing he matches me so well… realising what we lost, because he’s a coward. It’s so so hard.

Well.. it’s gonna be a long time till I get over him, no matter what.

final goodbye to Alan.

Just for myself: I need some closure about Alan on this blog. He has been long out of my life – it actually feels like a lifetime, when it really hasn’t. I deleted him off any social media by now. But I need to type some things out, to get it out of my system – out of my mind. I don’t intend to talk about him on here anymore, as I really want to cut him out of my life – out of my mind as well. If he ever decides to answer any of my unread letters, I will let you know. But I don’t believe in ever getting an answer anymore, so there’s that.

Just to show myself how long it’s actually been (sometimes it feels a lot longer, sometimes a lot shorter):

  • It’s been 2.5 months since I’ve last seen him, when he was over at my house and we got into that huge fight (May 13th)
  • The last time I heard from him “on his turn” (aka him answering my message 2 days late) has been 1.5 months ago, when he said he hasn’t read my letter yet and didn’t take it with him on his holidays and I said a day later that I will delete his number, so I had no option to text him, which he obviously saw as an invitation to break off any contact (June 14th)
  • It also has already been a month since I put my last letter in his mailbox the day he returned from his holidays… to which I never got an answer. Thank you for wasting probably 8 hours of my life on that one. (24th June)
  • And the very last message I ever got from him, which was a short “thank you” to my ‘stay safe’ message has been 3 weeks ago (30th June)

I can’t even officially say that we broke up, because we never did. But I guess it’s quite obvious that we are no longer together. It’s just… I wish he could have just explained himself at some point instead of just vanishing without a word.

Today a song came on the radio that was/is Alan’s favourite song. I actually really didn’t like that band, but with listening to it so much whilst being with Alan it got stuck in my mind. Whenever something like that happens, I keep wondering how he could have done something like that? It’s not even about me anymore, or about the hurt he’s caused me. But I just don’t understand how someone could do that to anyone?! Of course sometimes I wonder how he’s doing. If he’s suffered at least a little from this breakup. If he still thinks of me at all. What he told his father about our ‘breakup’… or if I’m just like any other exgirlfriend he’s had and he deleted me out of my mind right away.

Funnily enough, when I was deleting pictures of him off my phone, I found some old screenshots. Two weeks prior to our fight he told me how I was the one and only for him and how much he appreciated my personality. Just to be thrown away like garbage 2 weeks later. I still don’t understand his lack of fighting for this relationship. But then he never learned, so yeah.

At the end of the day, all of this doesn’t matter. I know I’m way much better off without him. I do not deserve to be treated like this and it would have never worked out in any possible way. His lack of empathy would have caused me a lot of pain on our further journey, so I’m glad I can fight this battle again by myself. I know who to rely on. It’s funny since everyone asked about our breakup I told them about me pre-cancer cells. Every single one of them has not asked about the breakup afterwards, but about my health. So it still doesn’t get into my head how my boyfriend couldn’t do that. Oh well, maybe there are people out there that need no empathy.

Anyway. As I said in my last post, I am content with being alone right now and that’s all that matters. I will try and cut him out completely. It worked with Stan, it will work with that one as well. So much for “my one” – on to the next one!

out of my league

I guess it’s time to update on my current situation, right?

I haven’t heard from Alan. The last time that we talked on his behalf was over 6 weeks ago. As I mentioned, he does answer my texts, but not intending on any conversation or interest in me whatsoever. I have not heard one thing about any of the letters and honestly, I truly have given up about a week ago to ever hear from him again. So far I have gifted the tickets I bought for him to a friend of mine, I have deleted him on instagram a few weeks back. And I deleted his snapchat today. It was the only source of connection anymore that was left. The only way to know what is going on in his life. And I figured it was time to cut this off, too. We’re still friends on facebook, but I unfollowed him a few weeks ago as well – so I need to actively go on his profile to see anything. So that’s gonna be the last step to get him out of my life completely.
I am glad I have met Doc. He made me finally let go of Alan for good. Not that he had any intention to, or that I am hoping to fall in love with Doc. But at least this came out of it: Getting rid of Alan for good.

Now. Doc and I. A whole other story.
As I mentioned he didn’t reply to my drunk text from 3am. Saturday night I texted him again, asking if he was back to normal and asking if he even knew what my name was. This was the start of very long conversations. Turned out he wasn’t as drunk as I thought he was. He knew everything that I told him that evening. Like every detail I ever blabbered about. Which is quite the opposite of Alan. So I knew he was actually listening to me.
I’m not the biggest fan of doctors, so I wasn’t very keen when he told me he was becoming to be one. My opinion has changed completely though. He is so forthcoming and listens to everything I say. He asks about my health (which once more, was just so funny to see the difference between a stranger and Alan. Doc asked so much about my coming operation and stuff). There was a turn in conversation 2 days ago – or so I thought. I felt like he didn’t ask as many questions anymore. Or just seemed annoyed having to talk to me. I guess it was all in my head though. I mean, the texts still don’t fit on one phone screen, so you can imagine how lengthy those are. I told him last night, that he should not feel obliged to text me, even less in that length. That I do find him interesting, but don’t want to interrupt him doing things. To which he replied “that’s nice of you, but I text you because I want to and not because I feel obliged. So don’t worry about that”. I just had that feeling. He’s that kind of guy who’s just being nice to everyone and I don’t want to get my hopes up for nothing. I do think he is not interested romantically, but I just enjoy getting to know him. We’ll see how things are going and where it will lead us.

Also I found out that he’s 3 years younger than me, so that’s a thing. I just don’t think I’m his type of girl. He’s what you could call “out of my league”.

Friday night | part 1.

It is so fascinating to me, how much can happen or change in just one single day.

I wish I could tell y’all that I’m over Alan. I really do. But I’m not. Not in the least.
He came home last Monday after yet another delayed flight. No surprises: He has not texted me so far. I had days when I felt like I got over him, and then the very next day I would feel that sadness again. Some days I had given up all hope of ever getting back together with him, the next day I would just imagine being with him – because there was no other choice in my mind than being with him.
This last week has been hard on me. Probably more so than whilst Alan being abroad. Because I always had excuses why he wouldn’t talk to me then. Now those reasons are gone, and it’s just his choice.

I talked to my acupuncturist about all of this and she said something very beautiful to me:

You know, there are good guys out there. The sad part is, that whenever you fall in love with a bad one, it makes you lose trust in ever finding a good one.

This completely hit home for me, because it was just how I felt. The days on which I had given up on Alan and I, felt like I would be alone forever. And also that there are no good guys out there. Simply because I had thought so well of Alan in the beginning. He really did make me feel like he was the one. Obviously I was very wrong about this.

So. Turn in story.
For the longest time a few friends and I had decided to go to a party on Friday (yesterday). I was looking forward to getting tipsy and just forget about Alan for a few hours. But when Friday came, I woke up and I just knew it wouldn’t be a good day. I really didn’t want to go out and celebrate, yet I knew I had promised everyone I would come.
When I finally got myself ready and went to the train, I left Alan a message on snapchat. I told him to stay safe in the weather we’re currently experiencing – knowing that he’s outside for the whole weekend. I just wanted to let him know, that I still think of him and still care. I don’t know what exactly I had expected of him afterwards, but it was more than what I got. He replied pretty quickly, which surprised me. At first I didn’t want to read it, but then I knew it would be wrong to do it once I was tipsy/drunk. Me drunk texting is always bad. So I opened it, and all I got was a simple “thank you 🙂 “. Nothing else. Not asking how I was. Or “you, too”. Nothing.
And at that moment I knew things were done for real. That I would not get an answer ever. That he had long given up on us.

Now the real problem started. I knew that if I would get drunk, I’d be ugly crying about this. Whenever I am already sad and then drink, it just doesn’t end well. One friend I met up with, maybe saw me for 5 seconds and asked “what is wrong?”. But I knew if I would have to talk about it now, I’d already start crying.
However, it didn’t take long anyway. My friends saw that something was wrong, whenever I would zone out during dinner and think about how Alan has been treating me. At some point one friend asked me how things were with Alan. And I started crying. Everybody was having fun, laughing. So I felt really really stupid. Fortunately it didn’t last long, because said friend made me laugh right after. Everybody knows the story, so it wasn’t that big of a deal.

My friend held out her glass with alcohol – and I very gladly accepted it. Because I wanted those feelings to go away.

Alan’s coming back!

I should have updated you a while ago, I’m sorry. However I have found this new app “lyf” that has literally saved my life! (It’s an app you can open up a journey and just post like on a blog just smaller, but people can write comments and follow each journey by itself and so on. It really is great for (instant) support!)

So some things have been happening over the last 2 weeks. First of all I got my results of my cervix biopsy back, which turned out to be much worse than they had expected. So I need to get part of it taken out in a month, because the dysplasia has a high chance of turning cancerous. So that sucks.

Yesterday I went to Mr. Cucu’s house and on the way there I put the letter in the mailbox of Alan. I was musing whether to still “send” it or not, because after a very long talk with my mother last week, I realised that I really don’t want to be with him anymore. No matter how much he would try to get me back (which he won’t, I’ve known him good enough for that – or I’d be VERY surprised), he left me hanging for almost 2 months, not once asking how I was doing or apologising for what he’s done or anything. He didn’t even ask back about the results of my smear test, although I told him over 2 months ago! And I also told him how upset I was about him not asking about it. He still didn’t after that! So that’s just horrible, really. Anyway.

Alan is coming home today. I don’t know when exactly, as his flight got delayed again (I saw it on his snapchat, we haven’t talked in over 1.5 weeks since I deleted his number). So I don’t know when he will read that letter.
It ended up getting big – 7 pages big. I wrote a lot about how he made me feel the last few weeks and how I felt in the beginning. And also what I had hoped he would have done instead of how he reacted. I also said that he has made it very easy on himself, leaving that letter at home and just ignoring the problems at hand (did I mention that he hasn’t even read the “breakup” letter and just left it at home and went abroad for 3 weeks? So yeah). I also told him why I reacted the way I did and so on. I know, in the end this just made me that much more vunerable to him. But really? As my heart has shut off in that week whilst he didn’t dare text me (after I told him I will delete his number for the very reason of me not being able to text him again).
It is weird, because I haven’t added another page since this week. I wrote one right after I deleted the number and he didn’t text for a couple of days. When I still had hope left. But I figured why put any more effort into it than I already have, when there’s not going to come back anything at all? But now that I can’t change it anymore, I kind of feel weird. Because the last part was about me waiting on him and blah. And really, so much has changed about my feelings in just a short week. But as I said, as I don’t expect him to make any kind of move or change, it really doesn’t matter. And I might as well tell him in his face, if he decides to have enough courage to see me one more time (he won’t, really!).

I told myself already last week, that if he’s not going to text me (or whatever) until the end of the week, I’m done for good. I mean, I’m already pretty much done, but I would love to just make things straight and explain to him what he’s done to me. But also give him the chance to make up for all the faults he’s done. But I just have this feeling that I will not hear back from him that soon. And I’m okay with it.
Really. I’ve had almost 2 months now to be okay with us breaking up, and I guess it has been enough time for me to shut down. Also seeing the reaction of my friends, who all told me that he will never be able to communicate… it just proved my point, without me having to say it out loud.

I will keep you updated if he choses to talk to me. Otherwise – next one! 🙂