I can’t stop thinking about a comment I got on here. I’m sure it wasn’t meant to hurt me, but it did just that. And now I can’t stop imagining that person to be partying, because (s)he seemed to be right. And yes, I am well aware that I’m starting to go crazy. So all is fine.
Well, long story short(ish):
It’s currently 5pm and I’m still at home. Which means I am definitely not meeting P for dinner tonight. I knew right away when I woke up this morning that it wouldn’t happen. Yet that tiny bit of hope insisted to stay. Until now.
It’s not like I was still believing in seeing him tonight. Knowing him for a little while, I knew he was one to make plans early on. So I knew this was off when he didn’t reply to my suggestion last week. I never told my mom about the plans, and now I’m glad I don’t have to explain to her why I’m home.
I can’t even say how I feel about it, if I’m being honest. I feel sad and disappointed. I’m struggling with my emotions right now, or rather the lack thereof. I’m disappointed. Not because he “dumped” me. That’d be fine. But because he didn’t even have the nerve to tell me off. He could not tell me to fuck off and get lost, but decided to just not text me anymore. Which is a huge déjà-vu to the breakup with Alan. I just don’t understand. Do these people actually think it’ll hurt the other any less, if they decide to just stop talking to that person? Sure it would hurt if he’d told me to give up. But that’s a clear cut and I can move on. But I’m still here, still hoping for what we’ve had in summer.
Don’t worry, anon. I understand now. I will move on from P. He’s not treating me how I deserve to be treated. And yet I can’t just shut that hope out. And I’m pathetic. For still hanging on after 4 months. After 4 months of mostly radio silence. Of no signs that things will get better again. Yet here I am, listening to my stupid ass heart, that doesn’t want to let go. But I’m just so done. I have at least understood that he’s not interested. Or he would have treated me differently. And yes it hurts. I had that fairytale in my head that didn’t become true.
And even after all that has happened, there’s still something left. And that upsets me even more. I know he’ll text me again eventually. But for now, I’ll be the one to hold radio silence – even though it’s his birthday tomorrow. I do want to tell him some things, but what am I hoping for? It won’t change anything. He would tell me about how he’s struggling and what not. He knows how bad his communication is, yet he does nothing to change it. So what am I still hoping for? A fairytale? I don’t know.
But it’s time to move on. And even though I know it will take forever… it is high time to do so.
I’m so done.