it was just sex!

Now I remember why I started writing that last post… I did not even mention the reason at all. I completely forgot, once I started typing. Just once more shows how messed up my mind is.

Well, this is going to be a short one then:
Ken texted me last week about an article that people in my area have the highest masturbation rate. Or whatever. I asked him why he only texted me with things like that. The last time he texted me was about him finding “our” handcuffs we used when we were together. He denied it at first, but then realised that he actually does only text me when it comes to sex.

He then said “in our relationship it was all about sex, right?”. And although it has been 3 years since we broke up and I never truly loved that dude… this fucking hurt. There were feelings involved on my side and he had confessed his love for me early on. So realising he has actually put our relationship down to just sex. It hurt. So I just replied “well that’s not my opinion, but okay”. Him: “well it was mostly about sex”.

I was in no mood to talk to him any longer at this point. He tried to start some small talk, which included “why are you single?”, when he didn’t actually know whether I was.
Just this week I got a message from an unknown number, asking as well why I still was single. Why do people just keep thinking I will never get into a relationship?
Yes, the last 4 years have thoroughly sucked when it comes to love on my part… but that doesn’t mean I may find love myself again some day! And especially my ex-boyfriends should know I am not keen on showing everybody on social media, since I am hesitant for obvious reason that it may end soon again.

That just sucked. And even though it would have never worked out, hearing it was just all about sex… hurts. A lot. And it wasn’t even the first time something like that happened (remember Stan? He’d said I was only good for sex as well). I mean it’s a plus. It means I’m actually good at it *lol* but I’d rather be a good girlfriend, y’know.

That’s all for the rambling. Good night!

back from Dubai!

I’m back from holidays. Have been for a while, but since I caught the flu on Tuesday and have been in bed ever since, I wasn’t in the mood to write. Still am not, but gotta update this page on a few things.

I had such a good time in Dubai! I mostly forgot about P and really was happy for the first time in a while without any worries. I needn’t worry whether he had texted or how he meant what he wrote, because I simply couldn’t see if he texted me at all. That took the edge completely off. I needn’t worry about anything.

I did not end up texting him before my flight took off when I left on the 22nd (because I accidentally bumped into Ken at the airport, which is a whole other story in itself *lol*), so we had been on non-contact since 3 days, because he simply didn’t text me anymore. Nothing new here. When I returned last week, I got a few messages of him he sent me on the 23rd (although he knew I’d left the day before). He wished me a nice holiday and “don’t go too wild ^^ like, without me…”
I found this funny, just the way he worded that. So when I returned a week later I told him I was back and that I’ve had a nice week. We texted a bit (him mainly telling me that it’s normal to get proposed to down there – which is true). I sent him a picture to which he didn’t say much, so I let him be and went abroad once more (although I had internet there).

Then was my birthday on Tuesday. I didn’t hear from him for 3 days (until I texted him again). I did not expect him to remember my birthday, since I only told him once. It would have been cute, but I wasn’t mad at him for that. Once again the conversation didn’t flow too long.
I texted him AGAIN the day after. We texted a little and I wanted test our ground. I wasn’t able to tell how he was feeling towards us, so I said “so could you stop thinking of me, since I can’t stop sneezing for 3 days…?!” (being playful and all) to which he replied “maybe it’s a guy from your holidays, not me 😅” – now that I read it again, he might not have meant it the way I took it, but I’m not sure.
That definitely wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but was pretty straight forward telling me he was not thinking about me, I guess. I just said “well that has been pretty clear, good night then”. I was pissed. Really pissed. He just asked whether I was tired already and sent that emoji: 🙈. I replied “no”. For me it sounded like he hadn’t been thinking about me, but now a few days later, maybe he suggested it could be someone else apart from him?! I don’t know.
Did not get anything back and knew I would not get anything at all. So I went to sleep.

The next day I texted him again (will I ever learn?). We had a brief conversation. He kept it up. Sent me videos of his fireworks he was doing. We talked about my phobia. He told me I should come along once he does one, so I can face my fears – I didn’t react to it, since I knew he wasn’t serious about it. This time I was the one not to reply to his emojis, there was no need to.
I asked myself whether he was talking like that to all the girls. I really can’t tell and therefore have no idea where I stand.

So, what do I make of this? I don’t know. I have mostly given up on the hope of us working out. I’m glad I could gain some distance whilst being abroad. I have not gotten any sort of affection from him whatsoever since I’ve been back. I was devastated on Thursday, but then I realised that it was okay. I knew beforehand that this would happen. The more distance we put between us, the worse it’ll get. And it’s okay. I will have him as a friend for now and if he ever decides he wants to see me again or take a step forward, then I am very happy to be here. But I can’t just wait on him, and do all the work of keeping the contact. It is a loss of course, I remember how perfect everything felt to me… but if he doesn’t share this opinion, there’s no need to pursue a relationship on my behalf. Maybe the timing was wrong, maybe we simply weren’t meant to be. Or maybe he just needs some more time.
I’ll “move on”. Keep him in my life as a friend for now and see where things are leading.

 

On a whole other level: my exboyfriend turned up again. Nope, not Alan. One that has been long before I started that blog (I had my first real kiss with him when I was 14, so you see). He always remembers my birthday ever since we’ve known each other, which is cute. It’s usually around these times we talk, but then the contact decreases again. For some reason he invited himself over to my place and he’ll be around in 3 weeks. It’s weird, but I’m somewhat excited to see him again (it’s been 6 years since I last seen him).
Also Kenny is back. On my behalf. I had been thinking of him lately and I figured I could just text him (mainly about the sneezing part, because he was the one starting that game). Who knows what all of this will bring – I am not interested in dating, don’t get me wrong. It would feel so bad for me, since my heart still lays with P although I don’t want to. But there’s no harm in getting attention somewhere else, right?

Plus my encounter with Ken. I was waiting with a friend to check in, when someone called my last name. I got really anxious, because I thought I had done something wrong until I looked at the person that called and recognised Ken. He found it very funny that I was so shocked and we had a short banter. It was nice to see him and took off some of the anxiety I had been experiencing (always do on airports).

guess who showed up?

As you all know by now, whenever I don’t post much, there simply is nothing to talk about. Alan has still vanished from this my world, which is fine for me. Doc is away for a month now and hasn’t texted in a week, which is absolutely fine as well. Have somewhat gotten over the idea anyway.

What is new though: I’m going out with Gohan tonight. I know. I don’t know where this has come from either. I don’t think many remember him. We dated a while back, I guess about 5-7 years but will have to read back on that story. We had sex once and then just stopped seeing each other for whatever reason – I can’t recall.

Well, last week I bumped into him. Not so much physically, because I didn’t actually talk to him because I only realised too late and he didn’t notice me. But I did let him know by text and he said it was a pity I didn’t talk to him, because it would have been fun. To which I replied we could meet up anyway and not only have to see each other whenever we occasionaly bump into each other. I mean we haven’t seen each other on purpose since we dated back in 2012 (I have read back on it now). Last night he asked whether I was free tonight, so yes. I am going out with him.

I have absolutely no idea what to expect. He told me that he has gotten very antisocial and needed some friends to get out of the house. I have been pretty much the same over the last few years (or actually… I have always been like that), so it seemed perfect to me. He understands what I go through. And we have always been on good terms, even after we ‘broke up’.

I don’t expect anything to happen tonight, but I am somewhat curious. Everything is so open and everything could happen. We’re both single, we know each other, we’re weird. I do think we’ll just catch up on these last few years and definitely will have a good talk. But there’s a subtle nervousity in me, because we used to date. And now that I have been reading back on a few posts I wrote about him, a weird feeling has shown itself again. I do not think we’ll kiss or anything, but there has always been a connection between the two of us. We’ll see. I’ll let you know how it went!

On a whole other topic: Ken and I are talking again. He actually texted me this morning, telling me that he’d found a hair from me on his handcuffs. Well, where did that come from? Haha, he has a new girlfriend, so I’m not sure why he is telling me this. I mean it has been 2 years. But whatever. Thanks for the info, I guess. 😀

Welcome back

I wish I could say the time abroad had helped. It actually did. For the time being. I did not have any access to internet, which happened to be my safe haven. 

The first 2 days were the worst. I missed him so much. I was not able to sleep without a tear lost in the sheets. I hugged the pillows, daydreaming about being with him.

He asked me to tell him whether I had landed safely before my flight took off (so some caring is still left in there -somewhere, out of my reach). But apart from making sure we both survived the flights, there was no more contact. And it turned out to be a good thing for me.

By day 3 I had gotten used to the idea of being without him. Of this breakup I had intended. I kept everything bad about him in mind, which helped a lot. I got to a stage where it didn’t hurt to think about him anymore. Where I was just wondering whether he’s having a nice trip. But there still was a daydreaming part of being away with him. Of picking him up at the airport in 2 weeks to welcome him back. But I’m scared. And I can’t do it. I fear his reaction.

I have written a letter to him since I’ve come back home. I’m not sure if I will ever send it. But I need to point my emotions towards something. And there is still some tiny spark of hope left in me. For whatever reason. Is unknown even to me.

As I said things were good until I got home. I switched the internet back on. Even received a message from him, which I did not expect at all (although it was all neutral about his trip)… and then logged onto my facebook. 2 weekish ago I have talked to Ken again. He has a girlfriend now, so all is good. We became friends on facebook once more. I did put a status that I’d be abroad when I left. Ken commented “why did you not tell me earlier?” (he works at the airport). Alan liked his comment, rather than my status. Alan knows that Ken is my ex. And part of our story. Which just once more shows me that… I can’t even explain what. It just told me that he thinks my ex is more involved in my life than he is. There were so many comments, but he only liked this damned one. Although he should have known that I did not want to see Ken again. He knew we were not on good terms before (maybe that’s the problem, because all of a sudden we are?!)

I hate the internet right now. I really do. It makes me stalk him. It makes me mad and sad. I wish I could leave it all behind. Live in peace. I did not bother about him not texting me all week long when I was ‘offline’. But as soon as I had access to internet again, I got upset because I knew he had been online and didn’t text me. How wicked is this brain?!

I just can’t do this anymore. I wish I could just let go of that hope that is still left in me. I really don’t know why I cling onto it. He gives me no reason whatsoever. He does not tell me anything friendly, even less romantically. He has not given me an answer to my last letter. There’s nothing. And he seems happy abroad. Without me. He seems fine with this breakup. As he said, he probably has just “accepted it” and moved on. As he said he would right in the beginning of this relationship. Not the one. Next one.

I should just leave it be. Get over this mess I created myself.

deleting all the apps

Yesterday I did something I didn’t think I would ever actually do. Although the thought has played in my mind for quite a while now. “Meeting” Yavin has just made this even more clear to me.

Although things with Yavin aren’t looking the best (still no text from him), I felt the need to finally delete all my dating apps. I deleted Tinder a week ago, because I wasn’t chatting with anyone on there. I deleted Lovoo a few days ago, because I haven’t met any serious guy on there at all over the last 2 months. And finally, yesterday evening I deleted badoo. I had been writing with a guy there for over a year. On and off. A few weeks ago I texted him again, saying just that. That we had been messaging each other for over a year and I didn’t even know his name. He was always so keen on how interested in him I was, which totally wasn’t the case. He was fun to chat with every now and then, but he had the tendency to write a whole bunch of things without actually saying anything, you know? Yesterday we somehow got to the topic of cats and he told me that he really didn’t like cats – which is a no go for me, when dating anyone. My cats are my love, they have saved me more times than humans have, so I need a boyfriend that likes cats and can actually live with them. If we’re being honest, this is not going to work, if someone doesn’t like cats (like Ken for example, or Stan). I told him that I think it’s not possible to make it work. And he then told me that he was laughing his ass off about my explanation, which got me really mad and that’s when I decided to delete the app. I told him everything I ever wanted to tell him, made sure that he read it and then deleted the app. He has no information about me so I’ll never hear from him again.

Anyway. I sure was bored this morning, not having to go through my likes or messages from guys, I wasn’t even interested in. I guess it’s just a habit and I’ll get used to it. For now I want this year to be about me and my selflove. And these dating apps are for sure not helping with that. If anything comes out of anyone I met on there, that’s fine. And if I ever feel the need to meet someone on the internet, I can just recreate a profile, right?

For now it feels good.

what is wrong with men?

I am beyond annoyed. Today when I arrived at home, there was a notice about calling a flower shop, because they tried to deliver flowers to our mailbox. I just told myself that the flowers were for my mom, although I knew that I lied to myself. I was hoping they weren’t for me, because that meant thinking about men. Who did this? Why? And how will I react to whoever sent them?

I went for a walk, when I returned my mom had received the flowers. They were addressed to me. Before I even opened the letter attached to them, I said to my mom “I’m gonna kill whoever has sent me those flowers.”
As everyone probably would have, I was going through a short list of who could have sent those flowers. First person was Dodo, but then I thought that he was not as mindless as that, especially now that I told him to cut down on it. Then I thought that maybe a friend of mine was jokingly sending me flowers, because they all know how much I hate it. So I opened the letter…
“Thank you for all the wonderful hours we spent together, Ken.” I was beyond me. I was so mad to read this. Not only did he send me flowers, he also added a heart-necklace. What. The. Hell?!

Firstly, he was chatting with THAT friend again, he was complaining about all the time when we were together. They have been getting along and I was just waiting for the confirmation of them getting together.
Secondly, we haven’t talked in almost 2 months. Why does he do that now? What does he expect me to do? Go back to him? Thank him for the lovely flowers and a necklace I will never wear, because.. why should I wear a necklace a ex-boyfriend sent me? And why does he spend so much money on something like that?

I do think he expects me to text him. That’s the main reason I haven’t yet. I was so mad, I really wanted to tell him to fuck off and send those flowers to his new girlfriend.. but I didn’t. I’m just not sure what to think of all of this.

helpless case

I really truly am a helpless case. These last two relationships have made me learn a lot about myself. I am thankful for the experience, I’m not gonna lie about that. It has also showed me what I want from a relationship and that’s were the problem starts. I don’t think I will ever find someone who lives up to those expectations – but knowing that I do have high expectations kind of makes it bearable. I think.

Just a couple of minutes ago I was standing in the middle of my room and thought “I’m not that picky, am I? I just want a man who can take care of himself. One who doesn’t need me for his life and has a life besides me. Just one who has a grip on his own life.” Is it too much to ask? I don’t think so.
But then I also caught myself musing about what Dodo is doing right now. As you all know we have been texting a lot in these past few weeks. I know he’s out with friends tonight, getting drunk (remember the time I said I didn’t want a boyfriend who drinks? Well after Ken I decided it was not that big of a deal, if he still has a life without alcohol)… he hasn’t texted me in a few hours and I caught myself thinking about how he’s behaving with other girls. Jealousy showed up. ALTHOUGH I really don’t expect anything to happen tomorrow. I don’t want to get my hopes up and I don’t even want a relationship, even less with someone who is still not over his ex. I will end up getting hurt. But yet, I found myself getting a tiny bit jealous.

So what do I want? What do I really want? I don’t know. I had it all written down after Momo. Yet, after Ken a lot has changed. They were so different to each other, that I realised that I wanted neither of the extrems. But let’s have a look quickly at what I got myself into with Ken:

• I need someone I can depend on, someone to rely on, someone to trust. –> this one is ticked off. Ken was very trustworthy and I could depend on him when it came down to appointments etc. If not for his jealousy and controlling, it would have been pretty perfect.
• I want someone who knows what he wants from life and has both feet on the ground. Someone who has a plan, and probably, maybe, hopefully wants a family of his own soon. –> well he said he did, he didn’t really. He was so clingy, that I – again – had to decide about things. He did want a family very soon, so it’s a bugger it didn’t work out.
• I need a grown-up. –> this definitely was a failure once more. Grown-ups don’t tend to break up 4 times and expect the ex to stay all the same. Don’t need breakups as a way of dealing with a problem they have.
• I need someone who accepts and understands a no. Someone who listens to what I’m saying, and not just nodding whilst not understanding a word I say. –> this also has failed miserably. He always said he would accept a no, but didn’t. It started with the littlest things like turning off the TV when I told him not to, up to visiting when I said I wanted to be left alone.
• I want someone who is eager to fight for what he wants. Someone who wants to work out stuff and not run away from problems. –> at first I thought this was a huge positive with Ken. Until I realised that I was the one fighting. Again. Also breaking up is not a good coping strategy for problems.. I think.
• I don’t need a man with a lot of guilty pleasures, like smoking, drinking loads and lots of garbage from his past still lingering in the present. –> A little too perfect, so as to him blaming me for doing things x years ago. I’m in no way a bad girl, and I never have.. so it really got on my nerves when he blamed me for something which is considered “normal” with other people.
• I want someone I can stay home with, without the urge to go out clubbing all the time. Someone who has settled already. No need of finding new friends and girls anymore. –> this also was a little too perfect, as he ALWAYS wanted to stay home, which was boring with time. We didn’t do anything. I like to just watch TV with my darling, but not lay in bed 10 hours and do nothing but stare at the wall.
  

So all things considered, he was nowhere nearly as perfect as I first thought. I know that Dodo doesn’t smoke, he goes clubbing, but he also knows what he wants from life. He doesn’t want children any time soon, which is okay, because it is reasonable (he’s looking into becoming a doctor, which means no money whilst studying). But again, I’m not going to get my hopes up. I’ll see how it is going tomorrow. I am very happy to finally see him, but I can’t grasp it quite yet.

I guess time will tell. I probably should stop thinking about these things, when I don’t even want to get into another relationship right now. I’m weird, definitely.
PS: Also whilst typing all of this he has texted me and he isn’t even drunk and has no intention to. So he has thought of me, which is cute. Whatever, too much read into a simple text message. I really need to stop this way of thinking, man.

ooh he’s back again?

Guys, you will not believe what happened today. Well yeah, you probably will.. but I’m just going to copy what I’ve written with Ken, and you can judge yourself. Let me know! I am eager to know whether I am overreacting or not! Also note how he never replied to my actual questions.. and how he doesn’t accept my opinion either. But here, I’ll let you leave with our conversation:

K (at 6am!): Are you happier now without me?
Me: Hang on, just let me sort stuff out: YOU broke up with me, you rejoined the community a day after and you blocked me on WhatsApp.. why am I the villain now?
K: I didn’t block you?! I have rejoined, because I needed a place to get my mind off things, because I’m not dealing very well with this…
I didn’t reply.
K: I would never break up with you when it comes down to feelings. You know that I love you from the bottom of my heart. I just realised that we’ve gotten into a quandary. Let’s have a look back to the beginnings. I didn’t want a relationship. I had you on the long leash and you always came towards me. With time I let feelings flow and things went into the opposite direction. I wanted you more and more and you understandably started to back away. That made me try crazily to get your attention, but I didn’t get it and you backed away even more. So I pulled “the trigger”. But ever since I realise how much my body longs for you. I’m gonna be honest: I could see us getting old together, with all the problems we have. I make mistakes, but so does everyone.
Me: How exactly are you seeing our future together? You gonna break up with me every time we face a problem? Do you really think the next time I want to be left alone, you can do it just like that? It’s not gonna get better or easier. and I’m not gonna change. You need attention all the time and I need me-time all the time. How exactly is this going to work?
K: When I surprised you on Thursday, you were saying that your mother was out and nobody waited for you at home. So I thought I am allowed to come over. When you said you were feeling like shit on Sunday, I wanted to visit you – everyone would do that who liked you even the slightest.You gotta tell me exactly when you have time and what you want to do, so I’m gonna stop surprising you. I can take it all easy, I was able to do so in the beginning.
I didn’t reply again for like 20 minutes…
K: I can’t promise you anything, just that I’m gonna try very hard. It would be a pity to end things, because this relationship has been the best so far.
Me: In a week’s time, we’d be at the same exact spot as today again. I have played that game 4 times now, and I’m done. I always thought “this time he won’t break up with me when the slightest problem will turn up” yet it happened again. Your controlling, your jealousy and the constricting… you will always fall back into that pattern and I am not one for controlling.
K: That is not true. I have been improving my jealousy heaps, because I trust you  now. Yes the controlling was wrong, but I only did it because I didn’t know that you needed time for yourself. I’m sorry. Look, I know I could do it if I take things easy.. I know because I have realised this whilst we were on this break. And I have already improved a lot, so please don’t forget that…
But I understand.. it was one too many times. Such a pity.. It would have worked, I know it.

–

Now I’m just gonna say one more thing: Yes, 5 times is one too many times. And I am very proud of myself for sticking to this. In the middle of this conversation (this lasted the whole morning actually!) I started to get a little worked up and I wanted to shush him and cuddle him, because I realised how much he’s trying to hang onto something that will never work. But I just decided to not listen to this side, and I know it’s for the better. But you know, it’s hard for me not to help these helpless creatures – also known as my exes *sigh*

I’m a weirdo!

I’m weird. I feel like a total loser.

I am not sure what triggered it, but when I was driving home from meeting up with my friend, I was just… sad. Sure, big part was, because I was looking forward to meeting my friend I hadn’t seen in so long,.. and it was such a let down (he was on his phone all the time, he was 20 minutes late and just.. he was different), but it also made me miss certain things.

I’m trying to sort my feelings a bit now:
– I feel like I have no friends. No true friends anyway. Don’t get me wrong, I have friends I can talk to when I’m down, I have friends to chat to whenever I want. I don’t feel lonely or left alone… But I see group of friends everywhere around me, and I don’t have this. I have a lot of “single” friends, who don’t know each other. I miss having a group of friends I can hang out with. For example on days like today – sunny weather – I could just text them in our group chat and we’d all hang out at the sea in a couple of minutes, because they all live close. I don’t have that, and I miss it.
– I miss Ken. Not in a way I probably should, but I miss having someone in my life who wants to know how I am at any given time of the day. Someone who gives a crap about what I do and so on. Someone who cuddles with me and just… is in my life. Constantly.
– Although I said the opposite yesterday, I am kind of hurt about the behaviour of Ken. Naima – a dear reader of this blog – has opened my eyes about the situation. I actually thought I wasn’t hurt, but I am hurt in a weird way because he just let me fall. I know, I was the one that didn’t reply to his breakup-message, I was the one to ignore him.. but after all he’s said to me, how perfect I’d be to him and how much I helped him grow, he just didn’t even try to talk to me. He just accepted my silence. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want him back or even fighting for me.. it would be a pain,.. but it’s just,.. hard to grasp. Him going back to the community in a matter of a day. I’ve been erased from his life, just like the number on his phone.
As said, I doubt I have ever really fallen in love with him, yet it hurts that I just seem to have never been in his life in the first place. It just leaves me doubt everything he’s said to me.

I think that is all for now. I’m just a bit weird today, but things will be better again tomorrow I guess. Until then.. xx

grown-up

Just a little update on the ex-situation. I am sitting in bed right now, and after a whole day I’m still not sure whether to laugh or cry about his behaviour. I am not sad, don’t get me wrong, I feel sorry for his behaviour, I really do. I feel sorry for how low his self-esteem is and how ridiculous he’s behaving. But I guess you’re all wondering, what I’m talking about:
As you all know, he broke up via WhatsApp with me yesterday morning at 6am. Grown-up breaking up. I didn’t reply to his message and just deleted it. I was over discussion the same thing over and over again. I knew I could probably get him back again if I had wanted, but the thing is, I didn’t want him back. I was relieved. He broke up with me 4 times like that already, whenever I would complain about some sort of his personality.

Today a friend of mine texted me saying “he’s already back!”. What he meant? Well, you remember the community I met him on? The one he was always complaining about, how stupid these people were and how ridiculous the community was? Well, yeah you guessed right. A day after he broke up with me, he rejoined the community. I am not going to join it, too, to stalk. I just find it extremely ridiculous. Grown-up saying this, doing the opposite. I totally understand that he needs to get some self-esteem back, and by joining this community, you definitely do. But so soon after a breakup?..

Then – for some reason – I was looking through my WhatsApp contacts. I stopped, a bit confused, when I saw a picture of us popping up next to his name. First thought “why the hell would he put a picture of us in his profile picture on WhatsApp when he broke up with me?!”.. then I thought about it for a second and realised I also didn’t see his status. So he’s either deleted my number entirely or has blocked me on WhatsApp. Talking of grown-up. Maybe it’s some sort of self-defense or trying to avoid bumping into my picture or controlling whether I’m online or not (because that’s what I did with Momo). Still. It’s kind of sad,.. especially considering how much he loved me – or at least he said so.

You know, I’m not really hurt about all of this, I really am not. I just ask myself why he’s doing these things. It was his decision to break up. And he is behaving like a child, trying to hurt me in any possible way. Or am I over-reacting? I don’t know. it’s just weird. And childish – in my opinion.