Stan

Stan and I met off the internet. I wasn’t looking for a relationship and neither was he. However I fell in love with him pretty quickly and very fast got to go over to his and we became unofficially boy- and girlfriend. However he treated me very badly and we broke off and got back together for over 3 months, before I finally gave up on him. Even after realising he’s had another girlfriend all along. (July – October 2015)

that day you see your ex again.

You know that feeling when you feel like you’ve finally moved on? You started to feel more secure and/or happy.

And then -BAM – there’s that one incident, that sets you all the way back?!
Well, welcome to my life. After over a year of not seeing Stan, not talking to him – hell not even replying to his kind of cute e-mail

He has been on my mind a lot lately. For the main reason that it has been pretty much a year since he left me. I was at school today. Same old. Nothing special. Told my schoolmates that I had to rush to the trainstation to catch my train. I never rush. Or leave by myself. Well, a friend came with me, but you know. We walked there (which we also usually take the bus) and I bumped into Stan. My thoughts are kinda blurry, my first thought probably was “oh. my. god.” Well, no actually, I didn’t even realise until he looked me in the eyes. My second one – I’m not even joking – was, that I was laughing and at least seemed happier than I am happy. And thirdly, my heart dropped to my feet.

I’m not sure what to think of any of this, but it has stirred something in me and I know for a fact that it will bother me again for a few weeks. Why now? I somewhat do not think I am over him yet. I still do compare most of my possible dates to his behaviour (well mainly just what I do not want to have again- so not in a positiv way).
Of course I told my friend once he was out of earshot. The first thing she said was “that tall one? He is not that bad looking though!” Well yeah girl, never said so! Still doesn’t make his personality any bloomier!

I’m not sure why it bothers me that much. I’m not in a position when I would ever get back with him, so why did it hurt me so much to see him? Why has everything bubbled up now, and I can’t stop thinking about the time I had with him? It makes me kind of angry.

I had just hoped, I would never see his face again.

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pregnancy.

Not only has my anxiety hit its peak again, but depression has punched me right back into my face again.

while ago I have already talked about the topic of probably never having kids. Not that I do not want them, I really do, but there was suddenly this overwhelming feeling of not getting pregnant… like, ever. I cannot really explain where that feeling came from, but it stuck with me ever since. I mentioned that I have finally come to accept the thought, and I usually do. But it still leaves me crying every now and then. Like today.

When I got the message from my gyn that I had chlamydias back after the breakup with Stan last year, I was just sure that it got me infertile. I got everything tested again 2 weeks ago when I went for another checkup, because I had unprotected sex with Lex on holidays. I just wanted to be sure, that if I ever would find a guy again, that I was clean. For my own and the other’s sake.

Just a few days ago it crossed my mind that I hadn’t gotten a letter to say everything was okay yet. Which I usually did. Then after work I saw a missed call from my gyn. I already knew something was off and called them back, in fear that I had gotten gonorrheas. So whilst it was ringing I had all these bad thoughts in my head. In the end they told me that there was some inflammatory cell-change in my uterus. So after I finally got a negative test back earlier this year for my smear test, something is off once again.

I hang the phone up and said to my colleague, who was in the room: “why can’t they just take that shit out of me, so I have some peace at last?!” I literally said that they should take my uterus out, because I’m done hearing all those bad messages of my body. I’m done with how nothing seems to get better and getting calls from my doctors every few months. I hate going for checkups every month, and nothing ever gets better. For godness’ sake, I’m 26 and I have the body of a 50 yo. That just sucks and nobody seems to understand. And I just don’t have any energy left to fight all the freaking time.

Although I really really want children, I’m just done with all of this crap.
I have to go back in 3 months to get it checked out again, but seriously? I have no hope left for ever getting my life wish granted. I need to accept that I might never be a mother.

I talked to said colleague for 1.5 hours and she tried to cheer me up. But now I’m home alone again, and I’m crying my eyes out, because that thought finally does somewhat settle in my head. I just can’t accept it yet. Not really.
And it just seems like I can’t talk to anyone. The few people I did, don’t seem to take my thoughts seriously and just write it off to me overreacting. It’s always “nobody knows what the future brings” or “you sure will get pregnant somewhen”. But that feeling about being infertile just doesn’t go away. It’s not like it’s my fear (which it obviously is), but it’s just like something is awfully off in my body. I can’t really explain it. But I feel it.

I’m sorry for the huge overload of self-pity in this post, I just needed to get it off my chest.

guess who showed up?

Wanna hear a funny story?

Yesterday I was checking my mails in the evening, like I do every evening. Somehow my mind wasn’t really into what my hands and head were doing and I just started reading a mail I got in the spam. I didn’t realise what I was reading until I was already half way through. Then I went back again to check who it was sent from. And I read that name about 5 times before I went back to reading the whole email.

You all will not guess who I got an email from! I couldn’t believe my eyes although I checked about 4 times.

Stan.

Yes, I couldn’t believe it myself. After almost a year he had the guts to write me an email (as he had no other chance than that, because I blocked him everywhere else – and even here it was sent to my spam mail, because I blocked his address).

What he wrote about?
There was still as much bullshit in it as there was in his words a year ago. Literally. He said how there was no reason why he wrote to me (who does write to his ex for no reason? No one.) He wrote a lot of bullshit about his problems in a relationship and with trust, which I still do not care about no more. He was just drowning in his self pity and I’ve had my fair share of this last year. More than enough.
Yes, it was pretty cute that he apologised for what he’s done. At least he has realised that he’s the one that did the mistake. However I could still read between the lines that he didn’t see it that way entirely.

There was one truth in it, he said “after everything I’ve thought about in this last year, I can say that you sure are better off without me now!” At least he has realised this one thing. He even said a nice thing about me (“I hope you haven’t lost your self confidence, for you have every right to be confident” – although he definitely did make me lose it.). So he more or less apologised for how he’s treated me, and I already started to feel good about him,… until his last sentence popped up:

I didn’t reply to your text message for one reason: I did check myself for STD before you and did after again and I never was tested positive.

So even after all this time he could not be truthful. I know who I’ve had sex with in my life, and the symptoms started about 1 month into our relationship, which just settles that it had to be from him. Symptoms from chlamydia take about 1-3 weeks to show up, and I only got them in about September (we started dating early August)… so you figure that one out yourself.

The thing I learnt from this email about Stan once more?

  • He still is full of bullshit and he did not listen to me once, as he was asking about my operation (which I never had and it wasn’t planned either).
  • He still has so much more to learn about himself to stop having so much self-pity.
  • He still lies to me after all this time and thinks I’m too stupid to notice.

I will definitely not reply to this email, he can rot in hell for all I care.

Still here, at least passively.

It’s been a while, huh?… This is not going to be lengthy, I just wanted to let you know that I am still alive.

My mind has been at a much better place in these last few weeks. I don’t feel as lonely anymore although I still do have the wish to leave this country. For some reason Stan has also slipped back into my mind more often, but I usually just push these thoughts away.

There’s no new guy around whatsoever and I am also not interested in finding one. I do talk to guys at work and that’s about as close as I get to a romance. And I am more than okay about that fact.

However. These last couple of days I have been missing Crush again. He has not replied to my last message for an entire month now. For some reason I do expect him to reply somewhen, so I don’t really want to bother him anyway. But maybe he’s forgotten about me?! I have also been thinking about if I really should book my holidays at the end of October. I’m sure he would be happy to see me again, but is it worth the effort (and money)? I don’t know. I still have a month to think about it.

How’s all your life going?

oh men.

You  know what is a pleasant surprise? Well, not pleasant, but it was a surprise to me. Greek texted me the other day. The conversation was quite strange to say the least, as he straight away asked me if I had been dating other men and simply stated that he has been dating. Not that I was interested, but it seems there are guys out there that need to make girls feel really low. I was okay with him moving on, more so than I thought, however he quickly got back to asking for a second date. I denied and told him that I was not interested in dating whatsoever. He took it pretty well though.

I also bumped into Stan the other day. Well not exactly bumped into him, but we “crossed paths” with our cars. I don’t think he saw me and I was pleasantly surprised that I only got that feeling in my stomach when I get really angry, nothing more. Yes, he’s been on my mind again loads ever since. Little things that he’s done that really upset me, cross my mind. That’s all.

Kenny is actually quite fun to chat with, when no emotions are involved on my side. He’s getting quite clingy, which is funny now that it’s my part to make the rules of the love-game (and be the game maker). He asked me if I was being okay:

I’m always worried that you misunderstand me. And then think I’m even more stupid.

I nearly told him that he’s done the damage before already, when he stopped talking to me all of a sudden and was playing games. But I wasn’t in the mood to go down that road. What I said instead was, that there’s a huge chance that I indeed misunderstand him and that there’s nobody who can do the right thing right now. He kept saying things about how he’s worried about me, but I didn’t let him talk me into anything.
It’s great to just not bother whether or not he replies. Or not bother replying myself. I don’t care, really don’t.

the brain is great. love not so much.

It’s fascinating how the brain/mind works. Just a couple of months ago I couldn’t imagine ever not thinking about Stan or Kenny. I wasn’t able to control my thoughts, apart from forcing myself to think of something else. Yet it seemed to me that my thoughts were wandering back to them again and again. I couldn’t pass Stan’s office, without thinking about all we’ve gone through, the hurt, the lies. And I did think I would never get over that and it freaked me out, as he works literally next door and there was no way to not pass by.

I’m not saying that every now and then there still slips a thought or two into my daily life. It does. But very very rarely. I do feel awkward walking along his office-street and imagining how to react if/when I will ever bump into him. But then I do what I can do best: I smile. Because I know I’m so much better off without him.

I was sitting in the train today, when I thought about how long I haven’t thought about Kenny. I’m still sad about how things have ended, but I have told myself that it’s for the better that way. He wouldn’t have been truthful anyway, so it preserved me from even more hurting.

Yes, I’m still sad that there’s no luck in men whatsoever. Micah pretty much has disappeared from my this earth. I hadn’t heard a thing from him since Friday, so I texted him today saying that it was weird for him to tell me how much he liked me and then not get his butt up to text me once. He just replied that I was being very weird and deleted me off facebook and so on. Did not expect that at all, but guess it shows he wasn’t truthful either. Just my luck. Again.
I need to learn and value myself, not run after anyone and just treat myself the best, because no man will ever make me happy, if he’s like that.

This year has been very hard on me, but things will get better, once I believe in myself.

Rae | another Taylor?

First of all: Happy New Year everyone! I spent mine asleep. I went to bed at 9pm and fell asleep straight after. So it was as expected.

I want to update you on a few things that have been bugging me a bit lately.
I actually made a New Year’s resolution for myself, to finally erase Stan completely from my life. Which means, I have started to actively push him out of my mind. Things have gotten better. Way better. I don’t think about him as much anymore as I used to, and when I do it’s usually angry thoughts. But that wasn’t enough for me, so whenever a thought about him would pop up, I’d just actively think about something else. So let’s end things with Stan right here and now. I am done with that f*cker.

Now what I actually intended to talk about in this post,..
I have told you guys about that guy from work, Rae, a while ago. The more people who got to know about it, the less I could forget about him. I was aware that I would never ever even start to date him or that anything would happen. Yet, what happened yesterday caught me quite off guard.

I had been joking with a colleague about this whole situation, when one evening I started to stalk him. I found out where he lives and that he’s – behold… 40 years old. Now that wasn’t so unexpected, I just had hoped he’d be younger. I couldn’t find much more about him, so I left it at that. When I finally left work a few days ago, I couldn’t handle my curiosity anymore and rejoined Facebook. I don’t know how long this will last, as I already hate it again, but I wanted to find out more about him.
I sent him a friend request yesterday. I didn’t really know what to expect, but I did expect him to know my name and therefore accept it.
I was wrong. He messaged me asking who I was, so I told him about being “the poked one from work”. He asked for a picture so I sent one.
Pretty quickly he asked very personal things about me. How many piercings I have (which of course I didn’t tell him about my newest one), about my boyfriends or one night stands and somehow we got to the point that he asked me out to the sauna.
Wait. What?
I did get to know that he has a wife at home, he is happily married and he doesn’t mind meeting people from work at the sauna. Wait.. What?!
Yeah, that’s what I thought. I thought he was joking, but he actually asked me quite a few times if I would like to go to the sauna one time and if I did, how I’d react and if he would be allowed to “have a look”. At first I was completely freaked out. But then I was like “yeah, he’s a man, you know”. And as my long-term readers may know, he isn’t the first one to hit on me big time, who is married and we’d end up together (Taylor).

Anyway. So my feeling is, if I really wanted to, I think I could actually get him to do things with me. I won’t, don’t get me wrong. But he seems to be a little too interested for my liking – or rather.. his wife’s liking. He kept saying that he goes to the sauna regularly and that I might find someone there, but that he doesn’t know whether they are single or not. So I was like “that’s not an issue though” to which he replied: “Men should be left alone when they’re in a relationship”
Me: Don’t worry about that.
Him: That’s why you won’t come, right?
Me: Well, yeah, don’t want them to be tempted at all.
Him: No, no. I don’t think so. I guess not. I can control myself.
Note that I wasn’t talking about him at this point, but he said he could control himself. Well, maybe you could not?

And after chatting for something like an hour he said goodbye saying “I will let you know the next time I go, so you can join me.”

What do you guys think about this? I mean, maybe I read too much into this, but to me it sounds a lot like he is eager to see me naked. He did say several times that he wouldn’t mind. But really, boy? He’s 15 years older, we see each other at work. He is happily married. It would be awkward, right?… I don’t want to start anything with him, although I gotta say, I did fantasise about this afterwards. But it has reminded me way too much of Taylor. I just hope that I really have learned from the past.