D

I met D at work. He was my patient and we got along perfectly. I got to know that he’s taken, but we kept on teasing. After a month or so he told me, that he broke up with his girlfriend, because it just wasn’t working out. We kept on texting every now and then and he would keep on teasing, saying he’d visit our work place when I wasn’t at work. I then got to know one day, that he was actually there, asking for me. So there’s that. We still do text every now and then, but I guess it’s just that. Teasing. (August 2016 – December 2016)

update

It has been a while and if anyone has wondered, I am better. I got a letter from my gyn that at least everything else has turned out negative, so I just need to go back and see where or why that inflammation showed up. It’s alright, life will give me what I deserve. If that happens to not be kids, it’s gonna be alright.
I am somewhat in a bad place, because I had to leave my work place again and I really gotten to love them and they treated me very well. I am now just hanging onto the hope, that I can one day return there once I’m done with my studies. Until then I gotta be strong for the next 1.5 years.

Now a little update on ‘my’ guys, I guess you deserve this:

  • I have not heard from crush for over 2 months now, and it’s alright. I’m going to Germany tomorrow and I’m totally okay with not spending 3 times as much money for my holidays there instead of visiting him.
  • Dan has messaged me several times in the last few days about me visiting his city. I did not reply to any of the messages, as I am just over him. He really just annoyed me whenever we texted and he’s totally not for me. I did tell him several times that I did not intend to see him, so it’s not like I’m ghosting him. If we would happen to bump into each other, so be it. But I guess the chance is tiny. I will spend a nice time with my friend there and then that’s it. I moved Dan to the past-section.
  • I have messaged D again this week and we have been texting on and off. I only noticed yesterday when a colleague said he was there to visit, that it was the same day he texted me “you weren’t at work today?!” I didn’t think much of it back then, so that’s kinda funny, as he asked how long I was working and I said 3 weeks – to which he said, he will visit afterwards then.
    To make matters worse, I met another guy at work. He’s not really my type of guy, but he’s really nice and we had a blast. However – as I mentioned above – I left work yesterday and I didn’t get to say goodbye to him, as he was sleeping when I entered the room. I messaged him on facebook, but facebook is a huge pain in the arse when it comes to messaging guys you’re not friends with (it shows up in the ‘other’ section without any notification whatsoever). We’ll see, maybe I’m gonna send him a friend request somewhen.
  • No text message from guy’s friend. We’re friends on instagram now, but no messages. And that’s alright.
  • Also Kenny has showed up once more, however I’m at a place, where I know he’s no good for me. I like how he still tries to flirt with me and I totally let him. But my heart is turned off right now, so that’s alright.

 

That’s all.

Advertisements

update on my currents

Just to let you know, how my lovelife is not going. Another quick update on my ‘currents’:

  • Haven’t heard from crush in a while. He declined my friend request so I’ll definitely leave it be and I am so glad I didn’t decide to go there for holidays. It would have been such a let down.
  • Mr. Wave, well my workout routine has been pretty damn shitty over the last month, so I haven’t been to the pool again and therefore haven’t seen him again. Should go there again on Friday. Maybe.
  • D hasn’t texted me as well. It’s funny though, we talked about guys at work last time and everybody was asking me about D, even after what happened with Dan. Which is funny, because some said he was definitely interested in me despite having a girlfriend. I wasn’t that sure after I heard he had been flirting with another colleague but whatever. Maybe I’ll text him again some day, maybe not. It was nice while it lasted 😉
  • That guy of my friend? Short story about him: my friend has been in a relationship for about 3 years and she always told me that her boyfriend’s best friend would totally be my type of guy personality wise. After the failure of a setup from another friend of mine, I was not interested. When I went to her birthday party last Sunday I met him. I immediately thought of what she’d said when they introduced as as best friends of the couple. I didn’t want to overreact though and just was me. We got to talk quickly and she was right, he totally was my type of guy. He was funny, sarcastic, cute, straightforward and so on. Everything I need and love in a guy. So when I left I was kinda bummed to not have any way to contact him. I texted my best friend, saying that she was right about him. She’s sneaky. So she gave him my number, telling that story and that he could text me. He said something about not being over his last ‘love’ yet, but he will text me once he was. I haven’t received a text message yet, which sucks. But it’s alright. It just shows he’s truthful and honest with himself and I love that. Who knows? Maybe one day we’ll meet again. Maybe this was a quick blow.
  • Update on Dan is to come!

fate worked again

Fate hit me one more time today. Now, I know I’m really into anything with fate. I don’t really believe in coincidences. But tell me what you think about the following – or if I’m reading too much into it… again:

As I mentioned in my last post, D was leaving the hospital soon. Before I went home from work yesterday, I saw that he had left in the morning. Without saying goodbye to me. I wasn’t even angry at him, just sad and disappointed that I had taken the time out of my day to say goodbye and he didn’t. But with his leaving, I was done with the situation and him. I really was. No friendrequest or message from him. Alright.

I was at work today when the phone ringed. Here’s the thing: I’m usually not the ‘caretaker’ of the phone. I had it for like 5 minutes today and even asked a colleague to pick it up. She just walked away and said that I should. So I picked it up. And it was D. I couldn’t believe it. Like seriously, how many different ways does fate find to get us together? Even more because literally 5 minutes before I was talking about him with another friend and this was just getting ridiculous. There were like 15 people at work, I never had that phone today before and he could have ringed yesterday when I wasn’t taking the phone at all. But he didn’t.
He had another question about the procedure and I couldn’t tell him so asked for his phone number. He hesitated and just started laughing, which made me giggle.  When I left I was just like “you  know what? Fuck it. Fate has found so many ways for me to text him, this is it. I will text him.” And I did. Although I am usually super professional when it comes to these things and he gave me the number for work-reasons, I saved it… however I did ask him for it and his reaction made me doubt that he’d be angry if I texted him. So I just went on with it.

He was quick to answer and we had a quick banter. I wasn’t too sure if he even knew who I was as I didn’t tell him. Now here comes the thing. I was actually very happy today, because this was literally getting ridiculous with the coincidences cumulating. We were talking like we always did and somewhen he said that he would come to visit some day and I was like ‘yeah, won’t be there anyway.’
Him: Yeah, you never work anyway 😉
Me: Not my fault that you got in when I had 2 weeks off. But at least you now remember who I am.
Him: Well.. I’ve never said I think anything good about you. 😀

Yeah. That was it for me. Deep down I know he likes me. He didn’t tell anyone else about the breakup of his girlfriend, so he’s trusted me. But him being that way… just shows me that I need the fuck so stop daydreaming so much. I made him be a lot more appealing than he probably is. And I won’t get to him again. I gave him the chance to text me now. And after we talked on the phone at work we started talking again about him in the team (note to anyone being in a hospital, there’s always gossip about patients, especially when they’re hitting on several girls at once), and one colleague said that he was flirting with another one all the time. So you know, I really wasn’t anything special to him.

So what do I take out of this? Maybe I should stop dreaming about having that fairytale of finding my man at work. It’s a special situation for them and they might need some more love/attention/care than when they’re at home again. But the chance that a boy is ever going to ask for my number before he leaves or will go try and find me on facebook… just won’t happen. Fairytales are just that… fairytales.

update on D!

Update on the D-situation. Okay this sounds a lot more sexual than I intended to.

I cannot believe it and neither will you. He still is in hospital, I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw it. Like, seriously. I wasn’t even looking for it and then saw his name. He has been here for 2 weeks and it was a minor thing he’s had, so that’s.. fate weird. I did say to my friend on Monday “if he’ll still be there on Thursday, it’ll definitely be fate!”. See what happened? Yeah.

I didn’t go to him a lot though. I only brought his breakfast in and then was gone. Our only conversation was him telling me that he was still there doing nothing and me saying that I saw that. In the afternoon I went to get something from his room I needed for another patient and he said that I couldn’t take it,.. I took it and literally ran away with it, waving it at him and say “come and get it if you need it” (he’s walking on crutches.. so you know – being very childish). He just laughed and I got on with work – we were very busy today. But whenever our paths did cross, he spoke to me, teasing and stuff.
A little later my co-worker got to me and said that I had been betrayed and she now knew who had taken her thermometer. I was just laughing, saying that he couldn’t even keep that secret to himself. She answered “well he didn’t even know your name. He was like ‘well that girl with the tattoos took it. Michaela, is it?'”…

He doesn’t even know my name.

I would be lying if I’d say it didn’t hurt. I feel devastated and definitely lost my hope that anything was going on between the two of us. Maybe he’s been flirting, but definitely not because of me, just for the sake I guess. He probably does that to all the girls. Or I misinterpreted all along. I talked to my friend from Monday and she said, that he’d deserve another chance and it wasn’t that bad that he didn’t know my name, that I shouldn’t make such a deal because of this. I just said “if you talk to a person for 2 fuckin hours, I expect them to know your name though…”
She didn’t understand. Once more, that’s why I don’t talk to my friends about it anymore. That’s why I blog.

So yes, he probably leaves tomorrow or the day after (or probably never). I’m not going to get to him again on purpose. Or say goodbye from my side. It might be silly, but that really showed me that he’s not as interested as I had probably hoped. Or maybe my friend is right and it’s not as bad as I make it. Like, he might like me without knowing my name. I’ve been there, I know that it can happen. BUT I wear a name tag. He looked at it before, I saw it. Maybe he couldn’t read it? Who knows. Maybe I will get over myself and message him either way. Maybe I won’t.

Lots of maybe’s. Let’s see what the future brings, shall we?
Or what is your opinion on his reaction/behaviour?!

help me decide, please.

D hasn’t contacted me yet. And I actually don’t expect him to do so anymore. I have come to accept this, and it has made me be on facebook a lot more than I used to, so I actually got to talk to some long lost friends again, which is a good thing I guess (I befriended 2 old schoolfriends again, who are actually friends of D as well, so that’s what made me start this). Stalking at its finest.

I – however – still don’t know what to do from here. I am back to work tomorrow, but I don’t expect him to still be there. I would be utterly surprised if he were. I’ve had 5 days to think about this without being interrupted or anywhere close to him, which was a lot of time. I have come to accept this situation, but I still don’t know if I should act on my feeling or just leave it be.
I am okay with him not sending me a message, I really am. I can live on without him, no doubt. I got the distance I need to start make him fade. But. If I do think about our interactions I still feel fuzzy. Do I want to forget about him?…
Maybe it wasn’t meant to be, but will I be angry with myself if I don’t give it a try? Regret is not something I can deal with very well… and I don’t really have to lose a lot, do I? So messaging him on facebook wouldn’t hurt anyone, would it? Maybe he won’t even reply so things would be done.

I’ll see how things go tomorrow and probably until the weekend. Maybe I will then text him. Maybe not. Maybe he’ll come to visit. Maybe I won’t ever see him again. Who really knows?

What do you guys think I should do? Leave it be or message him?

Stop.

I haven’t gotten a friend request. And I freakin miss him. I should have known. Why can I not just let things be like they were? Why do I get my hopes up, when I actually should know that there’s nothing to get my hopes up on. He never said or showed any signs that there was more to it for him. It’s ridiculous how much I miss someone I don’t even really know.

I need to get the fuck over D. Yes, I could send him a friend request. Maybe I even will leave a message in a few days. But I need to get my shit together and not fall in love with taken men. And I need to back the fuck away even when they might have relationship problems. This doesn’t mean he’s interested. It just means that he had enough trust to talk to me about it and that’s alright. I need to stop reading between the lines.

So I’m currently pondering whether I should invest any hope/time/emotions/whatever in this or just let it go. Get over it and not try to go after what fate laid in front of me. Maybe I just talked myself into this because I was lonely. Or. Maybe he really is supposed to come into my life. I can’t decide in which one to believe though.

I asked a friend (this story also made me realise how shitty most of my friends are when I ask for advice) what to do about the situation and she said I should leave the ball at his. If he is interested he really will come over when he has physio. If he doesn’t he wasn’t that interested and also needs to sort things out with his girlfriend. But how many more signs of fate can I rely on?

unexpected.

I had a weird feeling about today when I woke up. I was supposed to go back to work and was so not in the mood to work, because I knew it would be a slow day.

I had a feeling when I got on my way to work, that D was still there. There was no logical reason why he would be, he was supposed to leave on Thursday. He was all good when I last saw him so I totally expected him to leave on time. But there was just that feeling that he was still there. I kept talking myself into how this was just my hope deep down to see him again. Hope.

When I was at work I didn’t dare to look at our plan. But then I saw it. He was still there. He was supposed to leave today. For no apparent reason he had to stay, and now kill me for it: but I do believe in fate. However I was not planned to work in his room so I just left it be, I didn’t go into his room when he called and so on. I just let fate take its turn. A little at least.

I brought lunch in and was somewhat disappointed when he wasn’t in bed. But then when I just wanted to leave the room he called so I helped him get back to bed (he was on the toilet). He was genuinely happy to see me. He asked where I had been and if I had a nice time off. We started talking again and somehow he showed me that he was learning Spanish vocab. I then asked if he was talking in Spanish to his girlfriend and he said yes. He then added “well… still girlfriend right now.” I was worried and must have looked at him awkwardly so he explained that it was complicated, but that they might break up soon. I was torn, in one way I was sad for him, in another I was like ‘why is he telling me that? Is there more to it for him as well?’. I don’t recall but I think I just said that I was sorry and we continued talking. He asked again when I was back to work and I said I won’t for another week, so he won’t get to see me again. He said he’s gonna come over when he’s at physio.

He did look at my name at one point, so I do somewhat expect him to send me a facebook friend request, on the other hand I also don’t try to hope so, because it would be disappointing if he didn’t. But I might do it this time around. There’s just something in me telling me that there’s more to us.

I really don’t know, but he’s lifted my mood heaps today.

Or maybe I’m talking myself into something, which in reality is nothing at all…