Alan’s coming back!

I should have updated you a while ago, I’m sorry. However I have found this new app “lyf” that has literally saved my life! (It’s an app you can open up a journey and just post like on a blog just smaller, but people can write comments and follow each journey by itself and so on. It really is great for (instant) support!)

So some things have been happening over the last 2 weeks. First of all I got my results of my cervix biopsy back, which turned out to be much worse than they had expected. So I need to get part of it taken out in a month, because the dysplasia has a high chance of turning cancerous. So that sucks.

Yesterday I went to Mr. Cucu’s house and on the way there I put the letter in the mailbox of Alan. I was musing whether to still “send” it or not, because after a very long talk with my mother last week, I realised that I really don’t want to be with him anymore. No matter how much he would try to get me back (which he won’t, I’ve known him good enough for that – or I’d be VERY surprised), he left me hanging for almost 2 months, not once asking how I was doing or apologising for what he’s done or anything. He didn’t even ask back about the results of my smear test, although I told him over 2 months ago! And I also told him how upset I was about him not asking about it. He still didn’t after that! So that’s just horrible, really. Anyway.

Alan is coming home today. I don’t know when exactly, as his flight got delayed again (I saw it on his snapchat, we haven’t talked in over 1.5 weeks since I deleted his number). So I don’t know when he will read that letter.
It ended up getting big – 7 pages big. I wrote a lot about how he made me feel the last few weeks and how I felt in the beginning. And also what I had hoped he would have done instead of how he reacted. I also said that he has made it very easy on himself, leaving that letter at home and just ignoring the problems at hand (did I mention that he hasn’t even read the “breakup” letter and just left it at home and went abroad for 3 weeks? So yeah). I also told him why I reacted the way I did and so on. I know, in the end this just made me that much more vunerable to him. But really? As my heart has shut off in that week whilst he didn’t dare text me (after I told him I will delete his number for the very reason of me not being able to text him again).
It is weird, because I haven’t added another page since this week. I wrote one right after I deleted the number and he didn’t text for a couple of days. When I still had hope left. But I figured why put any more effort into it than I already have, when there’s not going to come back anything at all? But now that I can’t change it anymore, I kind of feel weird. Because the last part was about me waiting on him and blah. And really, so much has changed about my feelings in just a short week. But as I said, as I don’t expect him to make any kind of move or change, it really doesn’t matter. And I might as well tell him in his face, if he decides to have enough courage to see me one more time (he won’t, really!).

I told myself already last week, that if he’s not going to text me (or whatever) until the end of the week, I’m done for good. I mean, I’m already pretty much done, but I would love to just make things straight and explain to him what he’s done to me. But also give him the chance to make up for all the faults he’s done. But I just have this feeling that I will not hear back from him that soon. And I’m okay with it.
Really. I’ve had almost 2 months now to be okay with us breaking up, and I guess it has been enough time for me to shut down. Also seeing the reaction of my friends, who all told me that he will never be able to communicate… it just proved my point, without me having to say it out loud.

I will keep you updated if he choses to talk to me. Otherwise – next one! 🙂

failed attempt to save anything.

That guy actually amazes me. Unfortunately in a negative way.

I think I’ve mentioned in my last post, that I had written him a message at 4am in the morning that I needed some kind of answer of him. As I said I did not get an answer although he’d been online on facebook and instagram. He did say later on, that his WhatsApp wasn’t functioning properly, which is bullshit. If the internet hadn’t worked, the message wouldn’t have gotten through straight away. But who am I to blame him for lying. There are other problems.

So last night he had the guts to finally reply, woop. What he said made me laugh and cry at the same time:

I don’t have your letter with me and as I’ve said before, I have not read it to the end yet, because I didn’t feel like I could do it. Considering all of this I don’t think a relationship would be able to bloom, if our communication is gonna be mainly by texting. More often than not tedious misunderstandings have come out of this and I fear this will be continuing… right now I don’t know what you think about this, as I don’t have your letter with me – sorry. What do you think about this?

As said, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Our communication was mainly by texting, because he didn’t have the guts to talk to me face to face. He was the one to deny coming over. He just said “okay” or talked about something else when I did mention our problems. So how can he put the blame on me now? Also there have never been any misunderstandings, rather him not reading what I actually wrote and getting angry about nothing at all. Not doing what I asked him to do, and then me getting mad at this. If he thinks those have been misunderstandings… oh well.

And who even does that? Going away on a trip, not reading a letter your exgirlfriend sent you or at least taking with you, if you don’t have the guts to read it at that moment?! I would have never done this. How can one just shut off his brain for 3 weeks? That’s just insane and proves how emotionally unavailable he is.

I replied. Of course I did.

Okay. If you don’t see any future in this… then so be it.

If I wouldn’t have had any more hope – or however you want to call this – I would have not tried to talk to you any longer after my letter. For some reason I have once more written a 3-paged-letter by now, which in this case I will not send to you.
I really don’t know anymore what to think, feel or hope for. The only thing I know is, that this situation is depressing me and hurts (and I don’t mean this to sound like an accusation). In one way not to know what is going on, on the other side not being able to do anything about it. For me it’s really hard – and that’s what I wrote in the letter – that you have completely shut off for the last 2 weeks. So far that I can’t even tell if you even have any feelings left.

But whatever. You don’t want to talk about this by text, which I do understand. So yeah… enjoy the rest of your trip.

And let’s guess once more what happened?

Yeah right. Nothing.

He has been online this far. Didn’t feel the need to say anything about this anymore. But who am I kidding? I didn’t even expect him to.
And I’m done. I’m just so done with all of this. Why should I even bother trying to save a relationship that means all the work lays on my side? If he had really loved me, he would have tried to save something. Not just accepted the fact that I ended things. But as a friend of mine said yesterday: “this just proves one more time: having a high IQ doesn’t mean you have any social ability to communicate”

I’m gonna delete his number, so not to have a chance to text him any longer. And I will tell him beforehand that I will. If he can’t end things for real, I need to shut off any way to communicate with him.

Goodbye Alan!

Now I’m even dreaming about him…

When that sadness hit me yesterday, I talked to a friend about it. I asked her whether I should send him a message, wishing him a good flight and a save journey today. She said that I should, if I felt the need to. But that I should not put any pressure on it or blame.

All day long that sadness didn’t vanish. Then I woke up from a dream of his. This is ridiculous, but even in my dreams he didn’t care. We were on a building about to go on a trip and I asked if he had read the letter. He said yes. I asked if he had anything to say about it and he said: “Wouldn’t know what!” I was devastated that even after all the emotions and effort I had put into it, he still would not show me anything. Although deep down I knew that some sort of love was there… nothing.

Maybe my subconciousness is telling me to give it up. To not hope for an answer that I am not going to get. Who even wastes a trip to think about his ex? Nobody. So I need to figure things out for myself and not wait for an answer I will not get. Let go of this hope. Let go of the sadness, the anger, the emotions toward him.

I need to understand that he does not love me that much, to give a care about how I feel. No matter how much this truth hurts me. I need to let it go. I need to open my eyes and see the world for its fact and not my hope and imagination of it.

I am alone again.

PS: I did text him a goodbye, wishing him a good flight and save trip. To enjoy the US and get back safely. Saying that Sunday I had so much more to tell him, but that I don’t think it would be a good idea anymore. An hour or so later I told him that I was missing him and hoped he wpuld have a good time. He answered later on and wished me a nice flight as well (and told me that his flight got cancelled). Nothing about the missing part at all. No emotions. I guess it’s high time I moved on now. He doesn’t seem to want to be romantically involved with me any longer. So I am trying to move on whilst I myself am abroad for the week.

Goodbye Alan.

yet another relationship that failed…

So it’s done. I guess.

So things escalated pretty quickly after yesterday’s nightly conversation. I don’t think I could have told him any more detailed how he made me feel, without actually putting the blame on him in a specific way. He just said “mmh” and another blast about why I didn’t say straight away after he asked what was wrong. To which I said that I told him I would not mentioned that subject again.
Him: “I don’t know what to do, so I don’t get an negative reaction from you”. He then asked if he still should come today. I said it was his decision, but that he still may. He said that he was very insecure (which I understand) and then asked me when I was going on holidays. What the fuck? Firstly I already told him, as we once planned to go there together, because we’re flying at the same day. Secondly, what about coming over?! He didn’t say anything to that anymore. So this morning when I woke up I wrote: “I guess your non existent answer and reaction means you won’t come over today”. He didn’t reply for 7 hours. So I just sent another “okay”.

Now the best part. He said: “They way we talk with each other is not how I like it and not very helpful to see each other today, so I’m not coming.” What. The. Actual. FUCK?! What kind of reason is that??? So I just answered that I will send his things by mail and best of luck at his exam.

Now you know what? It’s not done yet. He got one last cherry on the top of this huge cake:

“Ah okay. Thanks. Can you give me your banking details?”

That’s all. All that I got for this relationship, for being “his one”. This is all I got about ending things. ‘Ah okay’. I really still don’t know whether to laugh or cry about this. And then as if that’s not enough. His second thought goes to money, because we were planning on going to a concert together. Really? Keeping things neutral, right?

that day you see your ex again.

You know that feeling when you feel like you’ve finally moved on? You started to feel more secure and/or happy.

And then -BAM – there’s that one incident, that sets you all the way back?!
Well, welcome to my life. After over a year of not seeing Stan, not talking to him – hell not even replying to his kind of cute e-mail

He has been on my mind a lot lately. For the main reason that it has been pretty much a year since he left me. I was at school today. Same old. Nothing special. Told my schoolmates that I had to rush to the trainstation to catch my train. I never rush. Or leave by myself. Well, a friend came with me, but you know. We walked there (which we also usually take the bus) and I bumped into Stan. My thoughts are kinda blurry, my first thought probably was “oh. my. god.” Well, no actually, I didn’t even realise until he looked me in the eyes. My second one – I’m not even joking – was, that I was laughing and at least seemed happier than I am happy. And thirdly, my heart dropped to my feet.

I’m not sure what to think of any of this, but it has stirred something in me and I know for a fact that it will bother me again for a few weeks. Why now? I somewhat do not think I am over him yet. I still do compare most of my possible dates to his behaviour (well mainly just what I do not want to have again- so not in a positiv way).
Of course I told my friend once he was out of earshot. The first thing she said was “that tall one? He is not that bad looking though!” Well yeah girl, never said so! Still doesn’t make his personality any bloomier!

I’m not sure why it bothers me that much. I’m not in a position when I would ever get back with him, so why did it hurt me so much to see him? Why has everything bubbled up now, and I can’t stop thinking about the time I had with him? It makes me kind of angry.

I had just hoped, I would never see his face again.

guess who showed up?

Wanna hear a funny story?

Yesterday I was checking my mails in the evening, like I do every evening. Somehow my mind wasn’t really into what my hands and head were doing and I just started reading a mail I got in the spam. I didn’t realise what I was reading until I was already half way through. Then I went back again to check who it was sent from. And I read that name about 5 times before I went back to reading the whole email.

You all will not guess who I got an email from! I couldn’t believe my eyes although I checked about 4 times.


Yes, I couldn’t believe it myself. After almost a year he had the guts to write me an email (as he had no other chance than that, because I blocked him everywhere else – and even here it was sent to my spam mail, because I blocked his address).

What he wrote about?
There was still as much bullshit in it as there was in his words a year ago. Literally. He said how there was no reason why he wrote to me (who does write to his ex for no reason? No one.) He wrote a lot of bullshit about his problems in a relationship and with trust, which I still do not care about no more. He was just drowning in his self pity and I’ve had my fair share of this last year. More than enough.
Yes, it was pretty cute that he apologised for what he’s done. At least he has realised that he’s the one that did the mistake. However I could still read between the lines that he didn’t see it that way entirely.

There was one truth in it, he said “after everything I’ve thought about in this last year, I can say that you sure are better off without me now!” At least he has realised this one thing. He even said a nice thing about me (“I hope you haven’t lost your self confidence, for you have every right to be confident” – although he definitely did make me lose it.). So he more or less apologised for how he’s treated me, and I already started to feel good about him,… until his last sentence popped up:

I didn’t reply to your text message for one reason: I did check myself for STD before you and did after again and I never was tested positive.

So even after all this time he could not be truthful. I know who I’ve had sex with in my life, and the symptoms started about 1 month into our relationship, which just settles that it had to be from him. Symptoms from chlamydia take about 1-3 weeks to show up, and I only got them in about September (we started dating early August)… so you figure that one out yourself.

The thing I learnt from this email about Stan once more?

  • He still is full of bullshit and he did not listen to me once, as he was asking about my operation (which I never had and it wasn’t planned either).
  • He still has so much more to learn about himself to stop having so much self-pity.
  • He still lies to me after all this time and thinks I’m too stupid to notice.

I will definitely not reply to this email, he can rot in hell for all I care.

I miss my ex.

I was going on a walk today, which usually makes me think a lot about my past and present. And I started missing Momo. But let me explain further:

I have been feeling very lonely as of late – you know that already. Not in the sense that I do not love myself or cannot entertain myself – I actually can – I just feel sort of left out… for lack of better words.
Ever since I finished my apprenticeship and changed my job, my circle of friends has once more changed completely. I have never been that girl to always have the same group of friends for a long time, it has changed over time about 5-6 times since puberty. A few friends have come along ever since, but not as a group – if you know what I mean. I do have close friends – such as Mr. Cucu – when I need them, they are there. But I don’t have those friends to hang out with every weekend, like a normal 25yo-girl does. Like.. a group of friends, a clique if you will so. I usually sit at home on weekends. And don’t get me wrong, I’m okay being home most of the time, I just sometimes miss the opportunity to just text someone and a group of friends can hang out by the sea or whatever. Or just go to a certain place, I know everyone hangs out at. Just a opportunity to not feel lonely, if that makes any sense.

I was passing so many guys my age that were going to the beach with their friends today, it made me realise how lonely I actually am… and how different, I guess. I do have friends, and I probably could text them and they would gladly hang out with me. The thing is… 90% of my friends are in relationships, and I don’t like to be the 3rd wheel. The other 10% are just genuinely not interested in the same things as me, so I don’t really want to hang out with them all the time – or actually they mostly have their own group of friends and I feel awkward to ask.

I just miss having those friends to see on a regular basis. And not just once a month, like I do with Mr. Cucu (which is mainly because he lives a 2-hour drive away). Because I once was in a circle of friends who did this. And I can’t really get back into one just like that.. and that’s why I mainly miss Momo. When it wasn’t just the two of us, we would usually hang out with his friends or go out and I really liked that we could just go and have a BBQ with them every weekend. The same people, every week. I didn’t feel left out, or different.

I miss having someone to be with me every day. Someone to text. Someone to bother. Someone I can text when something silly or funny happened. Because right now I usually text no-one or just a different person considering the situation each time.
And I feel like I can’t just wait for a boyfriend to show up and bring me into a new group of friends. But then, what can I do? I’m not really outgoing and as I said most of my friends are in relationships and have couple-dates.

But whatever. The time will come. Somewhen.