Yes or no?

I’m such a weirdo. I feel like a teenager again when it comes to Bambi. Feeling very confident one day, then the next I wonder why I ever felt like he could be interested.

2 weeks ago after that touchy thing in my last post, we texted for a while on Instagram. I did not (officially) have his number yet. I replied to a story of his and we started texting a little. He put me off with a veeery selfish comment and then made up again a few minutes later, when I realised he hadn’t been serious about it. I claimed how glad I was we never worked the same shift to which he said “just wait. I’m gonna talk to the planners”. He reacted to some of my stories and came over most shifts when he saw me. One evening I was waiting for the night shift to report about my patient when he came up again and talked to me. He could’ve just walked by, but he came to talk and then was like “go home or you’ll stay late again” (referring to a story of the night before). By then he hadn’t reacted to any story anymore so I was unsure about his interest.

Then last week he asked for a change of shifts in our group chat and I offered him the change. Therefore he now has my phone number. We texted for a short while. Nothing interesting though. He then sent a kissy emoji in the group chat and thanked me for the change. Why would he do that in the group chat?! And then on Friday I was working in a room at the end of the hallway, but he came over anyway before he went home from work, even though it wasn’t even necessary in any way – again.

All these things led me to believe that he was interested. I’m not sure on what level. Is he just curious about me and wanting a friendship or more?

Today is a bad day again – as in me thinking he doesn’t want anything. Haven’t heard from him since Friday. Even though I have texted him about a WhatsApp status. And I can’t stop thinking about him. It’s so stupid. I don’t even know anything about him, so why am I so head over heels about him? Maybe he is not my type of guy?! And what if he is not interested anyway? I mean why should he? But then why is he coming to talk to me most days at work? I could simply ask him, but I’m afraid how awkward it is gonna be at work if he is not interested…. I’m lost.

On an entirely other note, I went out with the friend of Luigi’s (the one from New Years eve) and he said that they had talked about us. I was simply like “we didn’t kiss, it was a smodge”. Him: yes but it was very good for him. Well dude, if it was, he could have texted me for longer than a week. What the hell…

Same same

I really wish I could say something different. But here goes the same story again as always… I texted Luigi last weekend and he answered in like 5 minutes. I told him several times that I wanted him to text me but he didn’t really say anything to it. Well it’s Friday now and haven’t heard from him again since Sunday, so there’s that.

On the other hand, guess who’s back? Right, P. He has been texting me all the time by the end of December and I asked him what was up. It’s usually when he’s off work and that was the case. So I figured it would stop again once he was back to work. But it didn’t. He has texted me at least every second day. Not very deep talk but nonetheless, he said he wants to commit. Last night I said something about kids and he said we would make beautiful kids. I just keep saying it won’t happen unless we see each other. But he hasn’t ever asked again. But I am thinking about him a lot again. Not sure what that is.

New year, same thing

Well,.. I wish I could tell you something different. Somehow it always ends up the same. I am head over heels about someone. Then they are either taken, gay or don’t want to be with me.

Things with Luigi really seemed great. Yes, he wasn’t too keen on texting, but we were in contact daily. Until last week I did not get an answer to my “I wish you were here again”. Of course I thought that was over the top and he would run away. A day later he texted me, letting me know that he had been in hospital. He was very cute about telling me and I told him to let me know over the next few hours because I was worried. He did not, so I texted him again. He apologised for not texting me when I explained to him why it was so important to me.

Well… Long story short, haven’t heard from him for 3 days now. Because I figured I don’t need to force him into something he doesn’t want. I am sad and I miss him, but there’s no need to keep the contact up as long as its one sided. Maybe I will see him again in summer and things will be different. Or they won’t.

Luigi – the guy from New Years eve

So Luigi – the guy from New Years eve. This has been quite the surprise. When I went home around 3am, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Like I said, when I first saw him standing in the door, I was flashed. He is absolutely in no way my type of guy I usually am into. But he has something about him. A radiance – so to say.

I also really did not want to meet anyone new. Starting a new job, moving.. I just had enough on my plate already. But oh well, such is life.

The next morning around 10am I texted him (I had his phone number, since we were in a group chat together. I actually was laying on the couch with him, thinking I needed to ask for the number, when I realised I already had it). He replied pretty quickly, but the conversation stayed neutral. I really hoped to see him again that day, but did not want to ask. I knew he’d be leaving again on Sunday (it was Saturday).

The conversation was bumpy. He did reply, but didn’t seem to really be that talkative. So I said I would leave him be. He explained that he was not that big of a Texter, so I got my reason for him being quiet. I was scared that he had regretted what he’d done – but that was not the case as he let me know. In the next few days we talked about that evening. I told him I really had wanted to kiss him – like really kiss.. And he said the same. We also said that he would come over again in summer and we’d meet up again.

Then things slowed down. He wasn’t very talkative, but with us both being back to work, both working shifts… Just hard to get a time to talk, even more so with him not liking the texting. So I really got a downer and thought I would not ever see him again or hear from him. He didn’t seem flirty at all and left out all the messages when I did go into the direction.

Then came yesterday. All day I didn’t hear from him, and I had told him to text me if he got the energy and he was like “sure” (so he never really got me the feeling of upsetting him, my mind is playing games here). I texted him last night, that I really wished he was here again (in my country). Got no reply. I went to bed, woke up this morning to no texts still. I was sad and was sure that this was it. Again. And then I thought I had lost the bracelet from that evening (it’s so stupid, but I believe in such things). When I finally found it again and checked my phone… Well there it was, a text from him… Letting me know that he had been in hospital not doing too well. And that he wished to be here as well.

So, there’s not any red flags like the other guys I get. Yes, he isn’t the biggest Texter, but then he told me that right from the beginning. He does text me daily and let’s me know. He seems so genuine and adolent. I have never met anyone like that and I can’t wait to see him again. Obviously I hope I don’t have to wait half a year for that. But we will see.

Happy New Year

The first and probably last new years eve I was able to celebrate due to me working shifts. I took a month off work and therefore was able to be off work on Christmas AND new Years.

My friend asked me to a party and I did not actually want to go. Did end up going anyway though and guess what happened?…

I was so eager to be alone. Not interested in men. I have been feeling lonely a bit more lately but not in the sense of really wanting a boyfriend. We were 5 people. A love couple, a taken guy, a single guy from another country and me. That single guy was handsome. Absolutely not my type of guy, but so handsome. We got along perfectly all evening and he drunk quite a lot. Me – I drank 3 drinks and then stopped around 10pm. The later the evening got, the more we touched and sat close. Well, I did actually. I touched his thigh when I laughed and at some point we were looking at pictures on my phones and our legs touched entirely and we just stayed that way from then on. Talking about life and stuff.

Then it was 12am and we were outside on the balcony of my friends house with the others first. Just talking. The guy in which house we celebrated came outside and said something along the way of “I’ll be gone right away, just need to clean this up, turtledoves”. I didn’t say anything but realised that Luigi had searched for some time alone. Then he all of a sudden was like “can I wish you a happy new year?” and we hugged for the longest time. No awkward kiss or anything. Just a long, great hug and then we were laughing again about everything and anything.

After a while it got pretty cold and we went inside onto the couch. I payed down in the middle of the couch and he asked whether he could lie next to me. I opened up my arms and we cuddled. The others were making dessert in the kitchen so we had our time. We talked a little more. After a while he asked whether he could kiss me and I was very nervous and awkward. Burying my face in his neck. He asked why I was laughing and then I gave him a quick smack on the lips. I did want to kiss him, like for real. But somehow with me being so cheesy, the moment was gone.

It was so nice to be close to someone again and get the attention. After that we did not get time again alone again until I left. When I did leave he looked really sad and hugged me for the longest time again. Weird not knowing when I’d see him next again, or what this entire thing was. My friend had told me he was very sad from the breakup of his girlfriend and that’s the reason he came to our country for a couple of days. So I wasn’t sure whether he just wanted some attention due to him being drunk, or he was lonely and needed the attention of a girl. He lives 6 hours away, so we’re not gonna see each other again that soon (if ever).. So I don’t know what I was thinking… I went home happy, but with a weird feeling nonetheless.

Oh man. Red underwear really did work haha.

my 2017.

I was talking to a friend the other day on our way to work. Out of the blue she stated:  “I’m so glad 2017 will be over soon“. Of course I asked her why she thinks so, and she just said that it had been a shitty year. This of course got me thinking. Yes, it definitely has been a shitty year. For me as well.

Just a short recap of my love life:
It started out with the failed date with Yavin. I’ve never ever heard back from him since. Fortunately it didn’t take me too long to get over him, since I’ve never actually met him in reality. I mean I cut my hair short because of him, which was positive, since I had been planning on it a while and never actually went through with it. But it was a pretty crappy way to begin the new year with.

Shortly after I met up with Alan, who I’d known for ages before. I was so happy about meeting him. He felt like “the one”. Sadly I realised with our first argument 3 months later, that he definitely wasn’t the one. He ghosted me after I told him what I wanted. I had tried for like 2 months to talk to him, talk about this whole thing, even save the relationship. But I’ve never heard back from him. I was done with love by then. I was so sad about the break-up that actually wasn’t one at all. I had lost my hope in true love. All seemed so perfect in the beginning.

I decided to concentrate on school from then on. At least it was my final year, I had my essay to write, I had exams to take. There was enough going on to get my mind off things. I think early July when I met Doc on a party was when things started to change. I went out with my friends more, I did school work and so on. However, I still felt lonely. I wanted to get my mind off with other men. So I recreated my Tinder profile.

This is where I met Paraplegic. Early August he messaged me. I wasn’t sure about him, he seemed different. But I just got over myself and met him on August 24th. From then on things changed. I was so happy, I was my old bubbly self. I’ve moved on from Alan. Unfortunately his father passed away on September 13th, which set a huge stone in our path. Everything changed. He backed away. Completely.
I have not met P ever since, and yet I’m still here thinking about him daily. I thought I needed to forget about him, so I recreated Tinder once again early December. I’ve met a few decent guys on there, but there was no intention on actually meeting them in reality. I knew it would take a while to get over P, but I had not imagined it to be that long.
He’s back again. Somewhat. When he asked to see me again. And we’ll see how this continues in 2018.

---

So yes, looking at 2017 this way, it has been pretty damn shitty. My heart got broken with every try of dating someone. Not once, not twice, but three times. I had given up on love completely a few times, too. And yet, now sitting here, reflecting on the year, I don’t feel bad about it. I believe in love, no matter the outlook right now.

I got to experience – what I feel like might be – true love. I have met incredible people, I’ve found new true friends in school, that I will not trade for anything. I’ve got more presents than the last few years, and well thought-out presents at that! I got accepted for my dream job next year. I’m finally finishing school in just 2 months. I’m back on good terms with my brother. I have a loving relationship with my nephew and niece. There’s not much more I could ask for. I get love from the people around me. And although I might go into 2018 without a boyfriend and feeling somewhat lonely, I’m loved. And perspective is all that is needed in life.

Yes, it has been a shitty year. But a lesson I have learnt just recently is: if I focus on positive things in my life, I will be happy, no matter the circumstances. There’s never going to be all good or all bad. It’ll always be a mix between the two. Sometimes the bad overweighs, sometimes the good. What is important, is to focus on the positive and move on. Reach for my dreams, fight for what I want. And then life is worth it. It is worth the struggle, the hurt, the tears.

Your life is worth what you make out of it. And that’s how I want to end 2017 and start 2018. And although right now P doesn’t seem to be in a place I want him to be, I know he’ll be back in my life in some way. I had hoped to see him before New year’s eve, so as to let the heartbreak in the old year – if it ends up like that. But it’s not gonna happen and that’s perfectly fine as well. I know there are a few people that do think he’s playing with me, but I’m giving it a try nonetheless.
Without darkness, there is no light. Without hurt, there is no love. If there’s an 50% chance of me ending up hurt about him, I still have a 50% chance to end up happy with him. And that’s worth it and what I’ve decided to focus on.

I’m living my life. I fight for what I want, no matter what anyone else says. The one thing I’ve learnt from 2017 is: to trust my gut and just do whatever feels right to me. Because no one else has to live my life but me, no one else knows how things feel, so no one can decide what is right for me.

Merry Christmas and a happy new year, lovely readers. Thank you for being here.

guess who showed up?

As you all know by now, whenever I don’t post much, there simply is nothing to talk about. Alan has still vanished from this my world, which is fine for me. Doc is away for a month now and hasn’t texted in a week, which is absolutely fine as well. Have somewhat gotten over the idea anyway.

What is new though: I’m going out with Gohan tonight. I know. I don’t know where this has come from either. I don’t think many remember him. We dated a while back, I guess about 5-7 years but will have to read back on that story. We had sex once and then just stopped seeing each other for whatever reason – I can’t recall.

Well, last week I bumped into him. Not so much physically, because I didn’t actually talk to him because I only realised too late and he didn’t notice me. But I did let him know by text and he said it was a pity I didn’t talk to him, because it would have been fun. To which I replied we could meet up anyway and not only have to see each other whenever we occasionaly bump into each other. I mean we haven’t seen each other on purpose since we dated back in 2012 (I have read back on it now). Last night he asked whether I was free tonight, so yes. I am going out with him.

I have absolutely no idea what to expect. He told me that he has gotten very antisocial and needed some friends to get out of the house. I have been pretty much the same over the last few years (or actually… I have always been like that), so it seemed perfect to me. He understands what I go through. And we have always been on good terms, even after we ‘broke up’.

I don’t expect anything to happen tonight, but I am somewhat curious. Everything is so open and everything could happen. We’re both single, we know each other, we’re weird. I do think we’ll just catch up on these last few years and definitely will have a good talk. But there’s a subtle nervousity in me, because we used to date. And now that I have been reading back on a few posts I wrote about him, a weird feeling has shown itself again. I do not think we’ll kiss or anything, but there has always been a connection between the two of us. We’ll see. I’ll let you know how it went!

On a whole other topic: Ken and I are talking again. He actually texted me this morning, telling me that he’d found a hair from me on his handcuffs. Well, where did that come from? Haha, he has a new girlfriend, so I’m not sure why he is telling me this. I mean it has been 2 years. But whatever. Thanks for the info, I guess. 😀

holidays did me well!

I’m back, who guessed? Have been for a few days actually, but it didn’t pop up in my mind to update you guys. I am sorry about that. So here comes a quick one:

I didn’t have internet for the 10 days I was abroad. Well, I could have, but decided against it – as I remembered how good it did me when Alan broke up with me (or whatever you would call this). I turned it on after 4 days as I had to read back some stuff and therefore got all the messages in as well. Of course I couldn’t NOT read them.
I received a text from Doc, which actually kept me happy all throughout my holidays – and still does:

You didn’t scare me off 🙂 don’t worry. I do very much like to text with you and if an opportunity turns up, we can go for a drink some time.

I actually can’t quite translate his wording, as there’s no translation for a particular word. It’s more like “we can go for a drink once”, but that doesn’t sound quite right either. And I don’t know how to interpret it. So I simply didn’t.
I was happy, because he said just like that, that he likes to text with me very much. Which shows me that he really does enjoy it. And that my feelings have been wrong. I watched a video today, that told us that we always see our own insecurities in others. I need to stop interpreting things how I would word them. I have asked him way too many times about this, and he kept saying that he enjoys talking to me. I need to turn my interpretations off for this one.

Whilst being away for 10 days I had time to let go. I figured that if we meet in 6 months or maybe a year, that’s fine, too. I don’t always have to rush things. Maybe we’ll stay friends. Maybe the texting will subside somewhen and we won’t even talk anymore – even less date. That’s all very fine. I do like this guy, I’m not gonna lie. And he seems like a genuine good guy. But what is so wrong about having patience and really getting to know someone? I don’t always have to date them right away. Maybe he’s interested in me, maybe he’s not. What if we just get to know each other, without that thought in the back of our minds?
It’s something that I have struggled with all my life, and which usually was the reason why my relationships lasted only a few months, because once I got to know them, I realised I didn’t like what I got as much as I thought. With Momo I got to know him for 2 months before we actually started dating with our mind set to more than friendship with benefits. And it turned out to be the best relationship I’ve ever had.
Also I’m quite content with being alone, without bothering to care for someone else besides me. I have a lot going on with an upcoming surgery on my cervix, my last year of university and just personal things. So maybe I just need to focus on myself for the time being and see where the future leads me. Why does it always have to be about boys? Right, it doesn’t! And that’s what I’ve learned over the past 10 days away.

goodbye to Doc?!

The ups and downs of my feelings for Doc are horrible. Well there are no true feelings for him, I’ve only met him 1.5 weeks ago. But he has slowly slipped out of my grip these last few days. He answered on Sunday evening, and then I didn’t hear from him until last night again – when beforehand he would text me 2-5 times a day. And even yesterday’s reply probably was due to me sending a picture (joke about doctors). He then replied pretty quickly, but no more questions about me. So you see, the interest has vanished completely – or so it feels like.
I’m just scared to be misinterpreting everything and losing him because of my stupid head. But I also don’t want to corner him, when he indeed is just too shy to tell me what is going on.

This has set me a few steps back again. When I reread my last post, it was so full of positivity and hope. This has vanished by now. I don’t think Doc and I are ever going to meet. And that’s okay. I just need to hear it from him. And that’s why I’m considering asking him straight forward.

“I’m already gonna tell you goodbye, as I’m taking off early tomorrow morning and most likely will have no internet for the time being.
By the way, I didn’t mean to scare you off by asking to meet up, because I feel like you haven’t been as talkative since I asked. Don’t get me wrong, you are cool and everything, but if you’re not interested it is totally fine for me and you can tell me straightforward. I’m pretty simple when it comes to these things 🙂
Or maybe I’m just misinterpreting things and it really is about your rare time/stress and my feeling is wrong once more. I do not know. I’m sorry for blabbering on, but I really needed to get it off my chest and I don’t want to accuse you of anything. I hope you don’t misunderstand.
Anyway.. maybe we’ll talk when I’m back home, otherwise I wish you a nice time 🙂 and don’t work too much!”

This is what I sent him. It’s actually quite hard to put this feeling into words, without them sounding like an accusation or me sounding like that whiney little girl, with no self-esteem whatsoever. I mean it is totally okay to not be his type of girl, or us just being friends… or maybe not even this. I don’t want to lose him, because he seems nice. That’s why I was scared to send it in the first place. I could just live on in the dream of some day dating him. But it has done me no good with Alan already, when I just dreamt of us getting back together, when the reality told me the opposite.
We’ll see. I’ll let y’all know when I’m back home.

finding love

I texted Doc on Friday, asking “do you feel like meeting up for a drink sometimes, if you find the time?” I don’t know where all the courage came from, but honestly… I already knew the answer I would get. And I knew by asking that I would know where I’m standing with him.
I also wanted to give him a chance of an excuse (no time), so he didn’t have to dump me. I figured he was the kind of person, that wasn’t able to really tell someone that he was not interested. I don’t mean this in any bad way, I’m the same. I just figured he was too nice to be that honest to hurt someone.

After I sent it I waited… and waited… and waited. There was no reply that evening. Which wasn’t that much of a surprise, as I usually got an answer super late from him. On Saturday morning there was still nothing. Neither on Sunday morning. I started to feel sad, not about him dumping me.. but just because I hadn’t thought he was the kind of guy to be ghosting me. I never actually lost the hope in him replying.. I was just,.. surprised. I can’t really describe the feeling, as I always knew he would text me at some point. But then I knew how wrong I was about Alan, so I don’t really trust my knowledge in human nature anymore. I didn’t know if I was wrong once again. I really didn’t want to be.

Turns out, I wasn’t. This evening I got a text, saying: “Yes, I would like to meet up, but the time is the crucial part… as you have experienced by me only replying now.”
I wasn’t even sad, as I expected exactly this answer. I was actually proud of me for asking in the first place and not holding back from possibly being turned down. I did text him back, that he should let me know whenever he was free and wanted to see me, as I’m quite spontaneous. I don’t expect this to ever happen, but who really knows?!

I wasn’t exactly sad. Not in a way that I have been before, when I got such an answer from someone. But then again, I think it’s because I knew beforehand that I’m not actually his type of girl. Or that’s what I think anyway.
And it got me thinking… Why just give up? Love is not meant to be “plain and easy”. I can’t expect to meet someone, talk to them for 2 weeks and then be happily in love. That probably is one reason why my relationships never worked out, as I was always so impatient. I need to really get to know someone. Even if it takes a year or even longer, who cares? Maybe he needs time for himself. He is busy, and I understand that I’m not a priority. I don’t even expect to be one. I know that if he really wanted to see me, he would find the time… but it’s not the case, and that’s totally fine.

Maybe this is meant to be a lesson for my patience in finding love. Who really knows?
When I think back to how Momo and I got together, it was actually the same. We met, we texted a lot, we had sex.. and I always asked myself what I was doing. Why we couldn’t just put a label on what we had? Why we couldn’t just fall in love with each other. But I kept doing what I knew I could deal with. And in the end (2 months later) we figured out, that we do match pretty good and this could work out. And it did (for the time being).

Maybe this is the same? Or maybe fate just made me meet him to forget about Alan (which actually really has worked. He has been on my mind a lot less, and whenever he is, I’m not hurt anymore.. so that’s great).

Who really knows? I’m just living life and enjoying what I have. Who even needs to think nonstop about finding the one? It’s never going to happen that way, and I know that.