Steve

I messaged Steve in the beginning of May 13, because of a stupid comment in a forum. We then started talking and he pretty quickly asked for a date. I talked to a schoolmate and he took my phone and messaged Steve without me knowing. He asked him for a date, and I didn’t back out on it so on June 7th we met up and he kissed me. A few days later we met up again, and went on for 2 months until he decided not to talk to me anymore while I was on holidays, because he rather travels than spending time with me (at least, that’s what he said). (June – August 2013)

Steve’s just like the others.

So I was in a “oh fuck everything”-mood yesterday so I messaged Steve about his behaviour. I said that he should message me as soon as he has a reason why he’s not talking to me. He messaged me pretty soon after: “sorry, I know it’s not fair.. I just don’t know what I want and what I don’t want. I know that right now, I can’t take care of a girl because I’m always travelling. I’m not made to stay at one place“. Well.. there’s no news right? I always knew that he likes to travel, but seriously? Taking this as a reason why not to date… after 2 months? Nope, you can go and fuck yourself dude. I am not going to be told by a 27 yo that he can’t date because he wants to travel. After several months of asking to see each other every other day, now talking about not having enough time. Seriously?!?!?!…

I then replied “oh well.. you can’t just tell me when I’m asking you a billion times what is wrong. Nope, better just not talk to her, because that’s the fair and very adult way to behave.. right”. His response? “I never said I’m fair or an adult… but yes, somehow that’s my way”. OH WELL BOY, THE LAST TIME SOMEONE DID THIS EXACT SAME THING IT WAS A BOY. A 18 YEAR OLD BOY WHO HAS NO IDEA OF LIFE. What the hell dude. Seriously. I’m so furious. Not because I’m hurt. Well yes I kind of am. But not in a “I’m still in love with him”-way, because that is long gone because of Dino. I’m just so super disappointed in him, that’s all.

I really thought he’s different. But oh well, seems like he’s not.

Anyhow, he messaged me again today saying that he wanted to tell me more, but he couldn’t because I deleted him off facebook. There’s not like a billion other ways to deal with it, nope. So I’m curious about what he has to tell me.

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drama drama baby.

There literally is ONE word to describe the last weekend of mine: drama.

I was really looking forward to the weekend, because Dino would be spending 4 days with me. Also I knew he would spend 3 nights in the same tent as me, so I was a little over excited about that. Like I told you in my last post, on Sunday the week before he dry humped me and just hit on me quite obviously. So I was expecting that something would happen this weekend. Well, he more or less continued where he left the week before, so we were joking about having sex together and what not. The first night, there was a couple in a tent near us, who had sex and the girl was moaning. So we started laughing, but we both got horny. Didn’t do a thing about it though. The day after he said, that he needs to get me into a certain situation so that he would sleep with me. We somehow ended up talking about what we’re into, and he said that I’m a softy, while he really isn’t. He also told me that he’s not one for one-night.stands usually, but he’s had 2 years of heart-break so he doesn’t want a relationship at all. Blahblah. Somehow he ended up telling me that he needs to find a girl for that night and I was like: “well go ahead, I won’t hold you back.” Sure as hell I was jealous, but what could I tell him?

Anyhow, Saturday night we were out alone because we lost the other guys, so we ended up going out for a drink and dancing. He started talking to me like, that he really likes me as a friend and that he’s not sure whether he would want to sleep with me and therefore ruin what we have. That he doesn’t want a relationship and he thinks that would hurt me and what not. I mean he was right. But when he asked me whether I’m okay with it I said I don’t know. I really don’t know what I expected. I just love to hold him and squeeze him and tickle him, because he hates it. But he has the worst mood swings ever – just like me. So this morning we woke up and ended up fighting and I stayed back to have a cry. That’s how much I’ve gotten to like him.

I just… I’ma little lost right now. I’m not sure whether I will EVER see him again. I even invited him over to my place, which.. I never do. But oh well.

Apart from that, I should’ve met the guy from the past, but he decided to just not reply to my text messages anymore, so that was a big failure. BUT I bumped into Bear and it was real fun, because once I was gone, he hit on me again on facebook. But we didn’t cross each others way again, so yeah.

Other post coming up tomorrow about Steve.

got humped!

I have just returned from the festival I went to and there’s lot to tell you guys.

On Friday when I started packing I really wasn’t in the mood for a music festival. I was sad and angry about Steve and still had the flu to deal with. But I went anyway and I do not regret a second of it! So I went with a schoolmate F of mine and another friend of mine M. F and I were the first to arrive so we searched for a place to camp and just chilled until the others came. We were joking about whether one of his friends would be something for me, so he said “Hey Dino might be something for you!”… well.. when they finally arrived, Dino wasn’t something for me, not for the looks anyway. I ended up kissing with his other friend Mirco. He isn’t even datable, but I just felt that I had to do it. Like, we were joking around and he held my hand and what not and he never kissed me, but was near my face ALWAYS,… like.. you know? So at some point I simply kissed him. No intention to continue. We then went to bed and acted as if nothing has happened, which was perfect. Because firstly: M might still have a little crush on me, I am not sure,.. so I only kissed Mirco when we were alone. Secondly, I was not in the mood to tell F – although I ended up telling him anyway.

However, Dino ended up dry humping me (don’t ask). Like, it was as a joke. He asked me to get up, so he could sit down on the chair.. we then somehow ended up in the tent together and he just lay on me… for whatever reason. He then kept teasing and tickling me and.. well in the end dry humping me –> but for the laugh of my friends, because they were watching. But I could tell, that if they weren’t looking and we might be a little drunk.. that it’ll happen. Like, he started kissing my neck at some point and he tried to touch me THERE, but I just kept pushing him away, because.. well, obvious reasons. He was just a little clingy, and I’m not sure whether I like it or not. Like, I would totally start something with him, but I’m not sure whether I can do this ONS-thing with him. Because I actually like him. It was just strange, because whenever he left I kinda missed him and then he suddenly would return to the tent and lay back on me. It was so weird! 🙂 We’ll see.

Why am I telling you this? During all that time I did not even feel bad for ONCE. I did think about Steve when I kissed Mirco, but I didn’t feel bad. Steve hasn’t texted me once in about a week. No intention whatsoever and I’m so over it. I tried several times to keep a conversation, but he made it impossible. So good for me that I can go on festivals and actually get some guys. Not gonna sit at home and be sad and waste my time on someone like him. Not when he treats me like that. Of course I am sad that it didn’t work out, but what should I do?…

By the way, I’m going to another festival on Thursday with F and Dino. They are both sleeping over the night before at my place,… I’m curious how this turns out.  And yes, I’ll spend another 4 days with them. We’ll see where that ends up 😉 I am looking forward however.

Gohan vs. Steve

Steve has texted me the following day. As if nothing has ever happened. I didn’t reply. I’m sick of his game. It’s been like this whenever we had an argument. He’ll be sorry and then just act as if nothing has happened. Nope, not gonna work with me. I wanna talk about our problems and not just ignore them. Because I  know that at some point, we’ll have problems if we don’t learn it now. And I know that he has a problem with being in a bad mood, but heck that’s life!? You can’t always expect life to be perfect and all happy.

Also I have gotten his card from holidays, which was sweet. But it just leaves me at a stupid place, where I don’t want to be. I don’t know what to do, or how to react anymore. I don’t want him to think that we can just go over everything just like that, but I want him back, too. I miss him. Way too much. I miss his cute behaviour. The things he used to say. I want my Steve back. Today I said to a co-worker “you see. I have a boyfriend ” – happy face of my co-worker – “but I haven’t talked to him for 3 week so yeah. I’m going off now, get some fun with others”. Not so happy anymore. We’ll see how the weekend goes, because I’m going out now.

Enough of Steve.

I have found myself thinking about Gohan a lot lately. Since the thing with Steve and I is not going very well, I have thought back. I miss him. I  haven’t talked to him ever since, but I miss him. The fun we had. He was such an uncomplicated person, he was just.. him. We never really argued (apart from the pot) and he just was the way he was. He was confident this way and I loved that about him. I know that I had my reasons why I was so angry with him and he wasn’t perfect at all.. Also we would never get along anymore, but it’s just… I have been thinking back of this easy time. When I just left the house for a quick visit to his house. It has been so … easy going. I didn’t have to think about what I said or did, because I just felt comfortable around him. And I miss this. I want someone around me who is easy-going. I don’t want to have to think about whether I can say things or not. I want to be able to tease the people around me, without them  being mad about it. I want to have people around me, which have fun, despite my mood or being. So yes, I miss Gohan. But not as a person, but to be around.

Also Kevin and I have been talking a LOT lately. It just clicks with him.. I almost never feel missunderstood by him and we just always have something to talk about. When I’m texting with Steve, I always feel like searching for a topic he is interested in. But Kevin and I just keep blabbering and chattering about everything and nothing. Also I am talking to him daily as much as I do with Steve monthly. No joking. So yes, I might as well see and date Kevin and see how this goes. By now I really feel like I’m being mean to Kevin for not meeting. Steve had his chance, and he is now messing up. So why not meet Kevin and just see how it goes. Who knows, maybe we won’t even get along. I’m just so over overthinking everything I do just because I don’t know what Steve wants because he won’t talk to me. Is that so wrong?

MAN WHY are you so freakin complicated?!

What the actual fuck is going on? Hell, this boy is so fuckin confusing, I’m so sick of this whole dipshit. Holy fuckin God.

Yes I am beyond angry. I’m just so sick of him. Why the hell can’t he just TALK to me? How am I supposed to know what is wrong with him?

I asked him for the third time yesterday, whether something was wrong! He said no again. So I said that he’s been super quiet and I’m not sure whether something’s wrong about US or else. So he said he just wanted to have some time to himself after the holidays and its weird ending. THAT’S ALL GOOD WITH ME HONEY, BUT WHY THE FUCK DON’T YOU JUST TELL ME?.. why do I have to ask 3 times, to get something like that out of him?? It’s okay to be in a bad mood, I’m all good with it. For fucks sake.

Whatever… it got a little better afterwards, but suddenly he was all “smiley-answer” again and I said he doesn’t need to talk to me when he doesn’t have to say anything. So he was pissed and said that he never said he doesn’t want to talk to me. Here’s my message I sent him afterwards: “It just makes me sad that we haven’t seen each other for 2 weeks and you don’t seem like you care at all. It’s no accusation, but it just hurts. But whatever, I’m going to bed”… I then turned off my mobile phone and expected him to at least say sorry or tell me what the fuck REALLY is wrong with him. But no, Mister HolyInevertalk only said “I told you already that I wasn’t well… it has nothing to do with you honey”. WELL SHOVE YOUR HONEY UP YOUR BUTT.

So I didn’t talk to him all day, he doesn’t even try to do so… but is spamming all on the site where we met. Like there’s a thread about dating the user above, and he just keeps posting there. Yeah, thanks about that mate. Not like I feel like shit already.

Just fuck off, seriously. I’m so mad. So mad because he doesn’t talk to me and I have no idea what’s going on. I won’t see him for the next 2 weeks as well, then. OKAY WITH ME. Just break up with me already.

FUCK.

what’s happening?

Here’s the thing. I don’t know whether I mentioned it particularly this holiday, but whenever I go on holiday, usually the thing going on with the guy just stops – for whatever reason. Maybe because you’re not talking daily like usually, you can’t meet them. WHATEVER.

I told Steve my fears in the beginning and he said it won’t happen. However: The last day of my holidays, I didn’t hear a thing from him. I knew that he knows I was going back that day, and even the next day there was no sign. So I logged into facebook and he messaged me. It was no big deal, I knew that they had WiFi at the hotel, so I didn’t really think about it. He then suddenly said he’s off to the city, which meant he was home. I asked him what that was about and he was like “oh well, I drove home on Thursday, my friend had to get home”. Okay. Not that you should let your girlfriendorwhatever know, that’s okay then. I also told him that I was ill, but hey, who cares, right?… so he was off and didn’t message me again.

Saturday evening I texted him whether everything was fine with him… I mean he usually texts me every couple of hours and suddenly it was a couple of days?!.. I just think something is off… Also since I came back (it’s been 5 days now!) he hasn’t asked to see me yet. Seriously? We haven’t seen each other for 2 weeks, and now he doesn’t want to see me either or what? Remember the fuss he made when he didn’t see me for a week, before holidays?…

I know I should probably just ask him what’s going on AND ask him myself to meet.. but as I have been ill, I didn’t want him to get ill as well. I’m just scared that he found someone else while on holidays. Or he noticed that I’m not the one for him. I just really miss him, and I feel like I’m the only one. It’s not a good feeling.

change of things!

Oh wow… after my post yesterday I had another talk with Mr. Cucu.

I accidentally uploaded a screenshot of Steve and my conversation one evening and only noticed late at night (I screenshot it because I thought it’s cute). I deleted it immediately, but seemed like I was too slow nevertheless. He asked me – after I deleted it – what the screenshot was about. Because we had several screenshots about funny conversations and situations, which I uploaded as well. So I told him that I didn’t mean to upload that one.

After a while he came back to it and said “that means you had two boyfriends over that time?”… background information: we were joking about being together for the holidays, because nobody believed us that we weren’t together. Like.. you can’t go on holidays with just-a-friend, you know? – I was talking to him like he wasn’t involved so I said “shhhh”. He asked again whether it was something serious. so I said yes and he said that he was happy for me.

I’m not sure whether it was a shock for him, or I hurt him, or he was surprised or whatever. But at least he now knows about Steve… (not that someone could overlook it, because I made a comment about Mr. Cucu and my marriage and Steve commented with a sad smile).