Bayne is my schoolmate. I’ve spent 4 years with him and he became family for me (he actually kind of really is, which is weird). In the beginning of 2013 I started asking myself whether I could date him and I was honest and said yes. It was awkward though, because we went to school together and he was so much younger than me. In our finals week, he noticed that I was dating Steve and started acting weird. I never found out whether he’s had a crush on me, although schoolmates have told me so, but who knows. We kept seeing eachother, because we were that close. But he then joined the army and we talked less and less. Every now and then we do talk and see each other, but there’s nothing more to it than that. (2009-2013)

I’m lost!

Wow. Things seem to get weirder every day.

So Steve asked me for another date on Sunday and we settled for Monday (yesterday). He came to pick me up from work and we went to the lake and talked for a while (kissing and all). But it then started raining so we went back to have a coffee at Starbucks. He’s a person who gets bored VERY easily and that’s exactly what happened. But what could you do in a city where neither of you live and it’s raining? Yeah not too much to do. After about 20 minutes we decided to simply take my car and drive somewhere. So I got into the car and he told me where to drive and we ended up like 20 minutes away from his home (he lives a 1.5-hour-drive away from me)… We went to the lake again and he started kissing me and started “pushing”. Like, I KNEW what he wanted, he just didn’t say it out loud. After a while he asked me to go home with him, so he could drive me to work tomorrow morning. It was 10pm by then and I knew I had at least a 1 hour drive home. I also knew that I would NOT spend the night with him at my second date, because I don’t want to have sex with him yet. I did want to cuddle up all night with him, but I didn’t believe that he would let it be at that. Although he told me several times that he would not do anything I didn’t want. But as he was pushing so much, I didn’t feel too comfortable anymore, so I told him that I had to go home now. He was quite pissed – I could tell by his face, but in the end he apologized for how he’s behaved and went home by train. I got lost on my way home and ended up  being home at 12am.

I also apologized, because I felt bad for kissing him sooo much, but not letting him go any further. He said there’s nothing to apologize for. We had another talk today, because I felt really awkward about this evening. Like, I have no idea what that is what we’re having. I told him that I’m super confused.

Him: “What about? What it is between you and me or what?”

Me: “well, I don’t need to put a label onto this. I don’t know, I’m just not as open as other people when it comes to sex”

him: “I’m so sorry that I pushed you.”

Me: “It’s okay.. I was overwhelmed”

Him: “And that’s what I didn’t want. I don’t know. I don’t know what you want”

And neither do I boy, how would you know? Anyway, just how he keeps writing I think at least HE is falling for me. At least one of us is sure of what he’s doing.



The other problem I have: Kevin has texted me again, asking whether I would join him at the festival this weekend. I really really really want to go and meet him, but I feel like I’m cheating on Steve. Also I know that if we get drunk, we will kiss… which yeah. Like I’m not in a relationship with either of them, but I just feel like cheating on both of them. I like them both equally, it’s so weird. What should I do?

Also a schoolmate texted me yesterday, asking about my date so I told him I’m only gonna tell him if he doesn’t tell Bayne. Anyhoo, he said he won’t but that Bayne has asking me about the date on Friday. Whether I really went or what. I just feel super weird, because Bayne is asking my friends behind my back, which is so not like him. So I asked my schoolmate whether he thinks if he’s into me or what. But he doesn’t know either.



awkward in-between

As I mentioned in my post yesterday: I’m feeling super awkward right now. As I wasn’t expecting that things would work out with Steve, I didn’t stop messaging Kevin either. Bayne has known that I had a date, too… ever since, he has been acting super weird. Like, I told ANOTHER schoolmate yesterday that I might buy him a coffee if things will work out with Steve, because he made me go on that date. I didn’t want Bayne to know, but apparently my other schoolmate showed the message to Bayne, because he was asking me about it yesterday (we went to the movies with some friends). He also mentioned, that he hasn’t been in the best of moods the last few days, which is awkward because he knows about the date since Monday… oh and at the  movie another friend was like “come on Bayne, you sit next to her, like we planned beforehand!” WHAT?… I’m not sure whether I’m putting too much into all of this, but it’s just a really awkward situation for me… So I just decided that I will tell neither of my schoolmates about my future dates with Steve, until things are official. But yeah.

Now about Kevin. He has NEVER ever messaged me as much as the last few days. I think it might be a coincidence, but it leaves me feeling very weird. Yesterday he was sending me some messages, asking whether I would like to be massaged or to cuddle up with him.. and all I did was just not answering those questions. I don’t know if men have those intuition like women, but it seems like it! Maybe it’s just the thing men do – getting interested once you lose your interest in them?! The hell with that!

You know, about 3 guys have been messaging me lately that they would kiss me, if they could. And now I’m just in this in-between-situation because I don’t know whether things work out with Steve,… OR if he even plans on giving it a try, or whether I’m just that girl who’s hard to get so he has to ‘capture’ me?! But I feel like cheating on him when I would talk to them like that.. They’ll figure it out anyways, but what to do until then? Like, just having a look at the personality Kevin would be absolutely perfect ALTHOUGH we fight all the time. But having met Steve now, he’s even more matching, because we don’t fight. We have similar jobs, we share a lot of opinions and he LOVES to travel. Also he’s soo good with children, which let my heart melt. I still have to get to know him better – of course – and that’s what I want to do. I’m just really afraid, that things will turn out like with Gohan when I let myself fall for him and he only wanted to have fun, you know. It doesn’t seem like it right now, because Steve is the one always starting the conversation and asking for another date and putting SO much effort into this… which leaves me speechless. But I guess time will tell…

Do you guys have any suggestions or tips on what I should do?

boys boys, you drive me crazy.

Man I’m starting to go freaking crazy here! So the thing with Bayne.. I still don’t know. I WISH it would work out, like we’re seriously planning on moving in together once he’s done with the army (so that’s in like 1 year or something). As I’m going to school for the last day tomorrow, we’re also planning on meeting up weekly, which I didn’t believe would ever happen, because as I said, he’s going to the army, which leads to him being home just for one day a week, and he wants to spend it with me? Well then! Come at me bro! 🙂

Now, on other terms I’m going fucking crazy about guys. So there’s Kevin. Or there has been. We have been on better terms again and I actually thought about meeting up with him, so I asked him yesterday. All he had to say? “Now it’s too late” and I was like… “well, okay then”. I was FURIOUS  let me tell you, but what else should I have said? Now guess what his response was!!!? “See, and you not complaining is just proving it”. Boy, what else should I have said? Should I have begged for you to meet me? Nope, that’s so not me. So I’m still quite angry at him and I haven’t talked to him since. He has messaged me 3 times since then, so he might regret what I said. But seriously boy?

Then there’s Pat (the one with the two names, ya remember?)… well, he has been reeeaally weird, too. Out of nowhere he was like “so when are you coming over to cuddle with  me?” and I was like “what the hell is wrong with you?” He never even mentioned anything similar to that, so it caught me off guard. And that’s what I told him, so he was just like “well, I can’t always talk around it, now can I?”.. YES YOU CAN BOY! Man. Haven’t really had a conversation with him either.

Then there’s another guy, Steve. I have been talking to him for a while now, and the first thing he’s said to me was that he’s all into sex and one-night-stands. I’m not sure why we kept chatting, but well we did. So from one moment to the other he was like “no, you’re cute. I wouldn’t use that against you.” Yes, as if you would change your whole thinking, because I’m ‘cute’ and different. I haven’t decided yet whether to trust him or not, but I might actually go on a date with him. I dunno, he has kept texting me, however bad I treated him. He know that I’m not sure about it though, so that’s fine.

ALSO the guy from the past has messaged me again (on Saturday night 3am… guess that’s more than enough to say!). Not sure why, but we’ll see. Hasn’t answered again, but that’s okay. He said he would like to live with me (and my cats), so that’s okay.

This all sounds like I’m having an exciting life, but I don’t really. I’m just mad at Kevin, but that’s okay. We’ll see. I might text him. Tomorrow. Or maybe in 2 months. Just to teach him a lesson (as if).

a not-date and other things

I have been feeling slightly depressed lately.

I went to a fun park with Bayne yesterday. We had a fun time, as always. And whenever we had to wait to get on a roller coaster, there was ALWAYS a couple in front of us kissing. This made me furious, and feeling awkward because he noticed, too. I couldn’t stop thinking about how nice that would be. I really miss being cuddled and kissed. Like, seriously.

Anyhoo, we had a fun day. It was awkward, because we went there with a friend who met up with some others so we spent the day by ourselves. We have been spending time by ourselves before, but … you know. Wherever you looked, you saw couples going on rollercoasters. So yes, it was awkward at some points. Maybe it just felt awkward to me, I don’t know. We went on one, where it’s all dark and you get “shaken up” like you bump into eachother a lot. It didn’t felt wrong, just weird. Also on the way there (it was a 3 hour drive) we were being silly and the other friend thought that we’re actually dating. Which wasn’t the first time someone thought we’re together.. like, what?

So yes, I’m super confused today. I met another guy the other day, Pete. We talked a LOT the last few days, so I thought when I’d return from my short trip he’d written again. But he hadn’t. He only wrote this morning, when he was drunk. Kinda sucked, but whatevs. I should stop being so hopeful when I meet new people, it’s ridiculous. But what to do about the loneliness? It’s starting to really bother me. Talking about kissing and cuddling, people telling me they’d kiss me if I were next to them. Why are you doing this to me?

Moving in!?

Everyone! I’m currently hiding in my room, because my mom keeps deciding over her head, so I’m now showing her that she can suck my d*ck. Let’s just keep that in secret, will we? 😛

Anyways. About Pat. I still have only gotten an answer I’m not satisfied with. “I have two names, everyone can choose the one he likes better”. What? Who does that? You might have 2 names, but you are always called by the same one, don’t you? Is there anybody out there who let’s people choose what name to call him? Not really, right? Anyway, so that put me off a little. We’re still texting each other every now and then, but yeah… it’s just super strange for me. Also he thought that my nephew is MY child and he didn’t even have a problem with that. So that’s a plus.

As for Bayne. Last year, around July we went on a trip with my brother, which was SO much fun. So we decided that we’re gonna do the same again this year. Unfortunately, he has to go to the army by June, so that’s pretty much impossible. Last week he told me, that he’s gonna go with another (male) school friend, so I was a little disappointed but not really mad. I just acted like I was, so he was like “why don’t you come along?… I don’t like the other guys too much anyways..” That friend we was going with, would take other guys along who he isn’t too fond off, so he asked that friend if I could come along, and we’d split up. So yeah, we’re going on that trip together on Friday.

It’s been really awkward between us. Or maybe I’m imagining it to be awkward. I’ve been to the point to ask another schoolmate about it. Like, if he thinks that he might have a crush on me and if he thinks it could work out, because I’m not like… I didn’t friendzone him quite yet. Anyway, so we have been talking about moving in together quite a lot lately. So I asked him, if he actually was serious about it, or if he could even IMAGINE to move in with me. He said yes. But that’s not gonna happen anytime soon. Earliest might be in 2 years, so yeah. If we’re still in contact (I think and HOPE we are), this might actually happen.

So I think that is all for today. I’ll be back when I have more to tell 😉

sex and me.

The last few days sucked. I got to meet a lot of guys on the internet lately, which gave me some energy back. In a couple of days though, everything turned upside down and now I’m even more sad than I have been before. I started talking to that guy L. I bumped into L about 5 years ago, when he had a girlfriend I’ve known. I saw him at the lake and we talked. Not much has happened, but I just never forgot about him. A few weeks ago we started talking on the internet again. He now is single and he started hitting on me. I felt loved, because he really is a nice guy. However, I never knew if he was serious about dating me or not. So I told him yesterday. Turns out he only wanted to get me laid once or twice, because he thought I’m cute. Yeah, so that was a huge let down. But apparently it was not only him who tried hitting on me for only that one reason.

I’m disappointed. I don’t know if I’m disappointed with me or with men. I’m not trying to come off like an easy catch. I don’t think I am. So why do men think that they can get me laid easily? I like to flirt, but that’s not a reason to think like that, now is it?… I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t go out, I don’t drink, I don’t party… and still people assume that I’m that outgoing girl who’s sleeping with another guy every weekend. I gave them no reason to think like that, so why do people still judge me?

Yeah my love life has been a pain in the ass lately. Which always leads me back to Bayne. I have been thinking about moving out from home and moving in with him a lot. I’m not sure whether he really would be up for it, but it would be awesome. He has to go to the army first though, so I gotta wait at least another year. But we’ll see. Maybe it’s gonna happen. Maybe he can dig his way out of this friendzone. And me, too.

another oldie.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I have been thinking about my ‘exes’ a lot lately. I changed the CD in my car today to the band “Smile Empty Soul”. Maybe I shouldn’t have,… it’s a band Gohan showed me and all the feelings came back to me. I’m somehow real good at hiding memories, getting them far far away from my daily life. But in situations such as that one, it hits me even harder. I missed him terribly, although I couldn’t ever be with him anymore. I missed touching his face or cuddling him while laying my head on his chest because he’s so much taller than me.

I miss being in love. Or having someone to flirt with.

Also I wanted to go on holidays with a friend of mine in summer break. He then told me that another guy is coming along. Which happens to be a guy I was in love with (like 3 years ago!) and he suddenly didn’t talk to me anymore because ‘he was not ready for a relationship’ (and 2 months later he got together with his now-girlfriend). I’m not someone to be mad at someone for a long time, but I don’t think I could be next to him ever again. Even less spend a whole week together. I think he was the one who hurt me the most by far, although we never even got together in the first place.

And as if that wasn’t enough: Bayne has been real weird. Not like behaving weird, but saying things which make me think. I’ve written a text on one of my pages about the man I’d love to marry (I’ll add it to the end of this post). Anyway so Bayne has read this text and yesterday he said “well, maybe I should bleach my hair?!”.. we didn’t even talk about that subject so it caught me off guard. What the heck?


I want a guy who’s childish and funny but can be mature as well. I want a guy who loves to laugh and isn’t ashamed of weird situations. I like blond hair to tousle and dark eyes, possibly tall. I want someone who says what he wants, but also listens to me sometimes. Someone who likes his freedom and who’s not jealous all the time. Someone who’s nice to the people around him and who isn’t shallow. One who doesn’t go out all the time, but rather stays at home. One who can deal with kids and want some of his own. One who doesn’t smoke and neither takes drugs. One to be quick on the trigger and who can deal with my teasing. I don’t want a guy who’s easily offended, or I would’ve become a lesbian (no offense!). I want a man I can look up to. I want someone who’s self-confident but not snotty.

It doesn’t really matter, because in the end you get whatever you don’t wish for. But I’m allowed to dream, right?