relationships

optimism.

After last post, I figured I had to let you know that I am still very much alive. I cried myself to sleep that night, but it did me well. (Although I still haven’t heard from him ever since)

I don’t know where the tears came from, but it was freeing. You know how people tell you that crying is freeing? It really is. I haven’t cried in so long, that I was wondering what was wrong with me. I’m not a huge crier at all, don’t get me wrong. But the sadness I had felt over the last couple of weeks was bound to make me cry, but I never did cry. I felt the tears in my mind, but not in my eyes. Since that night I’ve been waking up with tear stains down my face in the morning, not remembering that I cried… so there’s that.

However. Ever since that crying disaster, I have been feeling a lot better. I am not sure for what reason. Probably for the lack of time thinking about him. Maybe because I have continued that letter I am sending to him (and yes I decided to send it. One last try to make this work). Some part probably is, because writing that letter made me have some (last) hope. I had been daydreaming about him finally understanding what this was all about. And getting a last conversation to make it all clear to him and working through this. Together. Another part probably is, having finally understood, that there is nothing to be sad about. If he doesn’t want to be with me and fight through this, he is not worth my sadness over him. I’m pretty sure it’s gonna be too much work for him to fight for me (for the little outcome he gets). Yet there still is that tiny sparkle of hope left. But we’ll see, I guess. I’ve had the longest time to accept this, maybe I finally did.

Either way, things will move forward – one way or the other. And I need to accept this and be happy. Either with or without him.

I’m sure once this is all gone for good. Like, once he’s back home (which by the way is in a week) and does not reply to my letters or doesn’t want to work through this, the sadness will return. But then the healing can start, because there’s nothing left to do. I’ve done all I possibly can.
My friend told me yesterday that I’ve done way too much to save this relationship. And I know that I have. But I do not want to have to ask myself in the future, why I hadn’t tried everything to save this relationship. Maybe once he’s back, I don’t even want this anymore. Who really knows? My emotions have been all over the place for the last 5 weeks. What else is bound to happen to me? Seriously though. Alan has showed me love again, when I had lost all hope of ever getting that feeling again. We’ve had a wonderful 2 months and I will forever treasure those moments in me. So there’s nothing lost. I’d had a good time with him. If it’s not meant to be, so be it. I have found my purpose in life over the last 5 weeks, which is accepting that I cannot rely my life on finding a man and create a family. I have found that purpose in my work. Helping others. That’s all I can do for now. Everything else I will figure out whilst on the way.

sadness overload.

All of a sudden these last few days, emotions have bubbled up in me. Whilst anger was the most obvious over the course of the last couple of weeks, a deep sadness has overcome me ever since I stopped working last Thursday. I was able to keep it at bay by working on my school stuff. However today it got to me. Big time.

It’s not a sadness I’ve felt before, about being single and apparently not being able to hold up a relationship. Or seeing everyone happy around me, dating or being in long-term-relationships (which of course is not helping out at all right now). But the sadness of losing a part of myself. I don’t know where all these tears have come from as I haven’t cried in probably 2-3 weeks about this breakup. But now I can’t hold them back anymore. I haven’t cried for so long, and now they’re overflowing. All of a sudden. I didn’t even particularly think about Alan, when a sadness has started to form from my stomach upwards. And now I’m sitting here in bed, tears spilling on my tshirt.

Maybe it’s part of the realisation. Knowing that he will fly away for 3 weeks tomorrow and doesn’t even have the nerve to tell me what he thought about the letter. Not one word was said ever since I sent him the package. It just hurts so much to once more have provided trust in someone that obviously has not deserved it.

I’m just so hurt.

the breakup.

I need to type this out before my mind gets blurred with thoughts about possible cancer (I’m having the appointment this afternoon – or rather had, once you’re reading this).

So. I was at work when I read Alan’s message. I was angry and mad, about his nonexistent love. I just couldn’t understand how one could just say nothing to your girlfriend breaking up with you. How?

I didn’t write again. I sent Mr. Cucu a 15 minute-voice record whilst I actually started crying (he hasn’t seen or heard me cry in the 9 years we’ve known each other, so you know…). I needed to get it off my chest. All the anger, the sadness. And then I felt better. He made me feel better. Made me feel human. Made me feel not like a huge mistake.

That night I sent Alan a text, saying that I had sent the package off and that I put a letter in the package as well. That I didn’t have much more to say, or rather that it didn’t make sense to say any more.
He answered pretty quickly: “Ok thanks. I don’t know what to say about this. I didn’t think my decision of not seeing you would get that bad of a consequence. But I have to accept this.”
I didn’t know whether I should have laughed about this or cried. To me it sounded like a 5yo boy, how was told not to do a certain thing, and then when you would snatch his favourite toy away, he’d say he didn’t realise what was going on. I had told him so many times that I felt depressed about all of this. And now he acts like he didn’t realise it was that bad?! And why just accept it? Why not fight for something you love?! I would have never just accepted a reaction like this. I would have wanted to know what the hell was going on, and what I could do against it.

The next day when the package arrived he sent me this:
“Thanks for the package. Sadly the tshirt didn’t smell like you anymore, because that was the first thing I did. Tell me how much money I owe you…
I haven’t read the letter until the end yet. I can’t right now. Give me some time, please.”
This showed me, that he still did love me. That emotions were there. But I am no fan of having to break up just to be able for that someone show me how he feels. I’ve done this one too many times in the last few years (Stan and Momo especially). I told him that he should just take his time and if he ever felt the need to answer any of my questions, he could.

I haven’t heard from him since. And I don’t expect to, if I’m being honest. I don’t know what to expect. We’re still friends on social media, so that’s a plus (he’s told me that he usually deletes his ex-girlfriends everywhere, he does not want to be in contact with them)…
I’m not sure if he can change what I’m asking him to. I don’t even know if I still want him to change. Do I want this relationship? I really can’t tell. Right now it’s in Alan’s hand to change our future. I’m doing good without him. It is weird to look around and find memories of him. Of us. I still have the pictures of us on my phone and hung up in my room. There definitely still is hope that things will turn out to be good. But I’m not sure if he can do it in time. Because I know, the longer he waits, the more my emotions will have faded. And he probably cannot or will not take the time to really think about it, but rather try to forget it. It’s how he rolls.

We’ll see. For now we’re broken up (although I still talk about my boyfriend, when someone asks).

I need your advice!

Honestly? It feels like I’m single, although I am not.

The conversation between Alan and I are normal. Like friends talk. But not actually interested. They can’t be kept up, and I’m not trying to. I’m not trying to reply to every emoji he uses anymore. So it may have happened, that I didn’t text him for a day. I’m not trying to focus all of the conversation on him, because I’m done having everything about him all the time. He does ask about me, but as soon as his casual question is answered, it’s all about him again.

He asked what I was doing this Wednesday evening and I said that I had an appointment. He asked how long it’ll take, I told him and I got an “okay” back. Oh the ever present “okay”. But I don’t even bother anymore. I actually don’t even want to see him. I have no desire to.

I went on a walk last weekend with my family and the kiddies. It was very depressing to see all the lovebirds out there, kissing and cuddling. It was even more depressing knowing I actually am in a relationship, without having this (I actually accidentally just wrote “was in a relationship”). When I was single I didn’t think there was a worse feeling than seeing all the happy couples. Obviously there is: being in a relationship and still missing these things.

I know that once I see him, he will go back into old mode. It didn’t bother him. It didn’t hurt him. His life has not changed in the slightest. He doesn’t care any more than he did before. There is no effort on his behalf whatsoever. And I’m just done. I’m done trying to force myself into a relationship, that doesn’t seem to work. And honestly? If he’s so off the road because of some exams, what about worse things in life that may happen? Like a death in family or whatever. He’d never be a partner to be around, if there may be any complications. And I need a partner that stays by my side no matter what happens around. Of course, I understand that he has to focus on his exams. But it doesn’t mean that my depression should mean nothing to him. I would rather be there for a friend or my partner, than study for exams. But then we’re back to setting priorities. I know what priority I have with him: None.

What is your opinion on that? I really don’t know anymore if I’ve just gotten my head too deep in that puddle of depression, or it really doesn’t make sense anymore to hold up this relationship.

a pleasant surprise.

I’m very surprised.

I was somewhat upset – again – when he didn’t reply to my messages for over 6 hours yesterday. He knew I was at work, but he still could have texted me, right? I do text him all throughout the day when he is at work and I am not.
Also because I know he has been online all the time. But  I wasn’t in the mood to once more tell him and argue. It just made me realise once more, that he does not  understand what I meant with setting priorities.
So I didn’t reply to his questions either until this morning. Why should I put him first, when he doesn’t?!

But then…

I wanted to see if he was online on the platform we “met” 10 years ago. He has been on there ever since. No matter whether he’s had a girlfriend or not. He has not once deleted it. Has been online almost every day (yes, I’m a sneaky bitch). I also went to see whether he had been online last night (which wasn’t the case).
Today I wanted to get on his profile again, but… it was gone. I was confused. Last night it was still there. What happened? Did I not type the name right? But then after some research I realised that he actually has deleted his profile.

Why? I do not know. First, of course I was proud. Did he delete it because of me? Does he know that it was kind of bothering me, that he still was on there whilst dating me? Or at least so regularly? Why was he still on there, not being very active in writing posts? Was he probably writing with a girl in private? All these thoughts have been going through my head ever since we started being official (which he of course didn’t claim on his profile)… I just didn’t know why he’s deleted it. I will ask him one day. But I can’t really do it right now, or it would be obvious that I have been visiting his profile almost daily. But I am very surprised… and pleasantly so 🙂

his response. | part 2.

Sorry, that post has been getting way longer than I had intended, so here comes part 2:

I put probably an hour into writing that text I sent him. I expected a lot in return, let’s be honest. I wanted him to understand. To spread the love he always claims he has.

1.5 hours later [12am] I got back this response:

Of course, to argue two people are needed and each one will play his part. Just to put some things straight: I rarely see my mother and I do not think I need to justify seeing her (just like getting blamed on talking to your mother for “2 hours”). The road trip abroad has long been planned, and as I was a guest I couldn’t have just taken someone along – that has nothing to do with you, I would have acted the same way with a friend.

In the beginning you had a lot of comprehension that I’m studying. There has been a time, when I’ve postponed everything from school, so I had to put time into university when we spent time together. I understood that you got upset about this and now work each day for school, so I can fully enjoy the time spent with you 🙂 but when I get a feedback on Thursday and need to hand in the corrected essay that same day, I just have to write it that day. I wish you would show some comprehension, especially now that the term is ending.

You’re right, you are a person to be read. But then give me the time to learn, because obviously I’m no good at it right now. I wish I was though. I never said we have to go to the movies to watch a movie I want to see. So how did you feel about me talking to your mother?

If you really do not want to discuss this any further, I ask you to ignore what I told you above. I do understand you, but I hope that you as well try to understand me.

Instead of finding the release I had hoped to find in his answer – or an apology, which yes I needed and wanted (and also think deserved)… I got upset once more.

I tried to put my thoughts into words one last time:

I just knew it would end up like that: you justifying your actions, although I told you I understood. I did not blame you for seeing your mom, of course not. I would not expect you to cancel seeing her. But it’s about you prioritising everything else except me, whilst telling me you don’t find the time for me. Don’t you understand? You told me ‘A’ but did ‘B’ (telling me ‘I don’t have time’ but spending the time with your mother). Same goes with writing your essay. I would have totally understood, but you told me you just had to send it off to your teacher, which – for me – means you’re done. I told you once before, when you have to write essays, stay at home. I’m not gonna be mad, just write it and be done with it, so you’re happy. Don’t feel obliged to come over, because in the end I will end up upset, staying beside you for nothing at all. I neither was angry about you going abroad, I just wanted to let you know a few examples, that have been building up to me feeling like being ‘the girlfriend at call’. Doesn’t mean I didn’t understand your situation.

It’s just once more very interesting how you just justify the things you can hit back, everything else is swept under the rug. Instead of just saying “yes, that’s right” or just saying sorry.

But like I said, whatever. I’ve told you I do understand your situation. I just want you to TRY and understand me, instead of punching me in the face again and again. Just saying “sorry, I didn’t want you to feel that way. It’s not like you feel.” But I have never heard anything alike, so I’m just approved in how I feel once more. I don’t have to say anything more to this, even though it hurts. There are different views of relationship, and this seems to be one of them.
And no, I am not mad, even though it sounds like that. I’m just done with trying to tell you in so many different ways, how I feel. I probably am too used to the empathy I get at work. So let’s just leave it be, I’m hoping you’ll learn something and I’m gonna go to bed. Tomorrow’s another day.

Him: Okay. Now I can’t even say sorry although I’ve understood, because you’re gonna say I just apologised because you told me to. I’m trying hard to change and hope you’ll be okay.

What I think about any of this? I do not know. I talked to my mom for a while yesterday and she said this was a situation you could totally tell he’s 2 years younger than me, and she’s right. I just hope he actually really understands, instead of just saying those things. I wish his communication would be that much better. I know we have a long way ahead, a lot to learn. And I hope we can do it. But I am not so sure of this anymore. I need a lot of approval from him. A lot of apologising in other ways. A lot of not taking me for granted in the next few weeks. And I am not sure if he can or will or want to do that.

Right now, things are okay. However I have been very glad he didn’t ask to see me this weekend anymore, if I’m being completely honest. I need some time away. So it’s probably a good thing he’s going away to America for 3 weeks in a couple of weeks. Some distance might work.

PS: I actually also have been thinking about probably going back to therapy. I did not punch that wall only once, but several times. I was scared to actually really do it, but I needed the physical pain to make the mental one go away. So I did it until I bled. I know this is not healthy, but it’s my way to deal with things. I wish I was normal.

Any thoughts to how he’s acted?! I need some neutral perspectives.

self-conciousness

I’m annoyed about the little things in this relationship. Let me state a few examples:

He went to the hairdressers the other day. Although I told him several times before, that I like his hair a little longer (like it’s still sooo short, I’ve never had any boyfriend with such short hair… and I like to grab a bunch of hair 😉 ) – he still goes there every 3 weeks or so and get it very short again. And I’m just done with telling him, so I don’t mention anything about his hair either.
Don’t get me wrong, I am very happy that he has his own head and makes his own decisions. It’s what I was upset about with my ex-boyfriends, because they would always ask me for my opinion and follow me around like a little puppy, not having their own way. It’s crazy to be upset about something I am genuinely happy about, right?

It’s usually when my self-conciousness kicks in.
The other night I spent 3 hours on his facebook timeline, scrolling all the way back to 2009 (when he first joined facebook) and rereading all the posts. I wondered how open he was about his relationships back then. I found out that one – he has not put in any relationship status (or it’s not to be seen anymore), but he did openly post “I love you”s. So I was able to track back a few of his ex-girlfriends, with whom he is not friends anymore on facebook as well. So that’s kind of a good sign (although it also gets me worried, that if we ever happen to break up – which no I do not intend – he would cross me out of his life as well. He did tell me in the beginning, there was no reason to keep being friends with ex-girlfriends… It’s not my opinion but I get him). However he has not mentioned me once as his girlfriend on facebook. He has tagged me on a picture before with his dad, but not saying that I am any more than a normal friend. Like the caption read “first test” (of his drone). Really?!

So I wanted to test this and tagged him on an older picture of us with a cheesy caption, which would make it obvious that we’re a couple. On facebook you can either accept or decline the tagged photo to show up on your timeline, right? So… he’s declined it. I have untagged him again now.
I’m just worried. Why doesn’t he want his facebook friends to know about me? Like his closer friends do know about me and have met me. It’s not like I’m a secret. But why not put it on facebook? Is it because he has over a thousand friends? Does he not want to go back and delete all the things, if we ever happen to break up? I do not know. But my mind keeps going back to little things like that, and it makes me go crazy.

Like last weekend we met a friend of his with his girlfriend. His friend was like “hey, this is my girlfriend”. Then Alan was like “Hey this is M.” Not saying that I am his girlfriend – although it was obvious. It’s not like he doesn’t kiss me in public. But then I remembered a few days later, that in the beginning he’s said, that he doesn’t like to put labels on someone. Like telling someone about the “wife” or something like that. He rather talks with names, so I guess that was the reason why he didn’t introduce me as such.

Still, my self-conciousness is bullshit. I am very happy with him, but my mind can play tricks on me on a regular. It’s like when he doesn’t text me during the night, just because I haven’t answered his last message. I know I usually wouldn’t do the same, but whenever I can’t sleep I would tell him how much I love and miss him. I never get something like that. It does bother me at times, but I also know it’s not meant to be rude.

Oh lord, what is wrong with me? And how do I fix it?!