relationships

back to the old.

Guys,… long time no see.

There wasn’t too much to update on, so I didn’t make a post. We’re still at the same page with P. The date I had suggested didn’t go through and the day after when it was his birthday and I wished him a happy birthday, he asked to see me again – playing oblivious. I didn’t react, I’m just done. We talk on and off. Usually after 4 – 5 days one of us will text. Most of the time it’s him by now though. He tries to connect again on some level, but I’m just pretty much done. I tried to be flirty with him last week, that didn’t go as expected.. but then it never does with him. He just made a comment about how he also has forgotten how to make out, which I guess means he didn’t have anyone since me either. But who cares, really?
I think I’m slowly getting over him. I’ve thought so many times before, but now he kind of makes me get angry by his behaviour. I don’t think of him that often anymore, and whenever I do it’s more about the annoyance about his behaviour. I’m not sure if we’ll ever see each other again. It seems like we constantly talk about it, but he just doesn’t get over it. He also only calls it “meet up” anymore, so there’s that.

Then about Mikey. I actually had to read back on who that was, when I started writing that post hahaha. Long story short: I’ve deleted every number I’ve gotten the last few weeks from Tinder. Haven’t heard from any of them, so moving on. No loss here.

What I actually wanted to talk about is Kenny. Yes. Again.
I was on my night shift last night and sent him a snap. He sent one back and we started chatting. I was kind of flirty, I guess partly because I was just upset with how things with P were going and I needed some reassurance. I always get it from him, so. We got to the topic of meeting up again. I told him it was carnival in a week and I might go over after my late shift. He said it would be lovely and “that means I can’t get too drunk”. I asked him why (although I already knew) and he said, otherwise he’d do stupid things again. In Kenny-language that means: cheating on his girlfriend by kissing me. Again.
I don’t know why but I thought he’d changed. Or that the last time he did it, because he wasn’t happy in his relationship. I did not expect him to think like that, now that he’s (seemingly) happy with his girlfriend.
Well I then asked him whether it was about the alcohol, that he was afraid about it and he said “… hmm actually no. It’s about you!” I asked what he meant and he said “well you’re irresistible.. even without alcohol”. I know he wasn’t entirely serious about it, but it was cute nonetheless. And then when I was thinking about it, this seems to be a thing. I actually can’t remember a time we bumped into each other and had a few minutes to ourselves, when he didn’t kiss me… so there’s that.

I’m actually looking forward to seeing him now, not sure how I feel about it in a week though. And I wouldn’t even say no to kissing him, since I’m just so frustrated with my situation. But I also know how I would feel about his girlfriend then. I don’t know. We’ll see.

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my 2017.

I was talking to a friend the other day on our way to work. Out of the blue she stated:  “I’m so glad 2017 will be over soon“. Of course I asked her why she thinks so, and she just said that it had been a shitty year. This of course got me thinking. Yes, it definitely has been a shitty year. For me as well.

Just a short recap of my love life:
It started out with the failed date with Yavin. I’ve never ever heard back from him since. Fortunately it didn’t take me too long to get over him, since I’ve never actually met him in reality. I mean I cut my hair short because of him, which was positive, since I had been planning on it a while and never actually went through with it. But it was a pretty crappy way to begin the new year with.

Shortly after I met up with Alan, who I’d known for ages before. I was so happy about meeting him. He felt like “the one”. Sadly I realised with our first argument 3 months later, that he definitely wasn’t the one. He ghosted me after I told him what I wanted. I had tried for like 2 months to talk to him, talk about this whole thing, even save the relationship. But I’ve never heard back from him. I was done with love by then. I was so sad about the break-up that actually wasn’t one at all. I had lost my hope in true love. All seemed so perfect in the beginning.

I decided to concentrate on school from then on. At least it was my final year, I had my essay to write, I had exams to take. There was enough going on to get my mind off things. I think early July when I met Doc on a party was when things started to change. I went out with my friends more, I did school work and so on. However, I still felt lonely. I wanted to get my mind off with other men. So I recreated my Tinder profile.

This is where I met Paraplegic. Early August he messaged me. I wasn’t sure about him, he seemed different. But I just got over myself and met him on August 24th. From then on things changed. I was so happy, I was my old bubbly self. I’ve moved on from Alan. Unfortunately his father passed away on September 13th, which set a huge stone in our path. Everything changed. He backed away. Completely.
I have not met P ever since, and yet I’m still here thinking about him daily. I thought I needed to forget about him, so I recreated Tinder once again early December. I’ve met a few decent guys on there, but there was no intention on actually meeting them in reality. I knew it would take a while to get over P, but I had not imagined it to be that long.
He’s back again. Somewhat. When he asked to see me again. And we’ll see how this continues in 2018.


So yes, looking at 2017 this way, it has been pretty damn shitty. My heart got broken with every try of dating someone. Not once, not twice, but three times. I had given up on love completely a few times, too. And yet, now sitting here, reflecting on the year, I don’t feel bad about it. I believe in love, no matter the outlook right now.

I got to experience – what I feel like might be – true love. I have met incredible people, I’ve found new true friends in school, that I will not trade for anything. I’ve got more presents than the last few years, and well thought-out presents at that! I got accepted for my dream job next year. I’m finally finishing school in just 2 months. I’m back on good terms with my brother. I have a loving relationship with my nephew and niece. There’s not much more I could ask for. I get love from the people around me. And although I might go into 2018 without a boyfriend and feeling somewhat lonely, I’m loved. And perspective is all that is needed in life.

Yes, it has been a shitty year. But a lesson I have learnt just recently is: if I focus on positive things in my life, I will be happy, no matter the circumstances. There’s never going to be all good or all bad. It’ll always be a mix between the two. Sometimes the bad overweighs, sometimes the good. What is important, is to focus on the positive and move on. Reach for my dreams, fight for what I want. And then life is worth it. It is worth the struggle, the hurt, the tears.

Your life is worth what you make out of it. And that’s how I want to end 2017 and start 2018. And although right now P doesn’t seem to be in a place I want him to be, I know he’ll be back in my life in some way. I had hoped to see him before New year’s eve, so as to let the heartbreak in the old year – if it ends up like that. But it’s not gonna happen and that’s perfectly fine as well. I know there are a few people that do think he’s playing with me, but I’m giving it a try nonetheless.
Without darkness, there is no light. Without hurt, there is no love. If there’s an 50% chance of me ending up hurt about him, I still have a 50% chance to end up happy with him. And that’s worth it and what I’ve decided to focus on.

I’m living my life. I fight for what I want, no matter what anyone else says. The one thing I’ve learnt from 2017 is: to trust my gut and just do whatever feels right to me. Because no one else has to live my life but me, no one else knows how things feel, so no one can decide what is right for me.

Merry Christmas and a happy new year, lovely readers. Thank you for being here.

final goodbye to Alan.

Just for myself: I need some closure about Alan on this blog. He has been long out of my life – it actually feels like a lifetime, when it really hasn’t. I deleted him off any social media by now. But I need to type some things out, to get it out of my system – out of my mind. I don’t intend to talk about him on here anymore, as I really want to cut him out of my life – out of my mind as well. If he ever decides to answer any of my unread letters, I will let you know. But I don’t believe in ever getting an answer anymore, so there’s that.

Just to show myself how long it’s actually been (sometimes it feels a lot longer, sometimes a lot shorter):

  • It’s been 2.5 months since I’ve last seen him, when he was over at my house and we got into that huge fight (May 13th)
  • The last time I heard from him “on his turn” (aka him answering my message 2 days late) has been 1.5 months ago, when he said he hasn’t read my letter yet and didn’t take it with him on his holidays and I said a day later that I will delete his number, so I had no option to text him, which he obviously saw as an invitation to break off any contact (June 14th)
  • It also has already been a month since I put my last letter in his mailbox the day he returned from his holidays… to which I never got an answer. Thank you for wasting probably 8 hours of my life on that one. (24th June)
  • And the very last message I ever got from him, which was a short “thank you” to my ‘stay safe’ message has been 3 weeks ago (30th June)

I can’t even officially say that we broke up, because we never did. But I guess it’s quite obvious that we are no longer together. It’s just… I wish he could have just explained himself at some point instead of just vanishing without a word.

Today a song came on the radio that was/is Alan’s favourite song. I actually really didn’t like that band, but with listening to it so much whilst being with Alan it got stuck in my mind. Whenever something like that happens, I keep wondering how he could have done something like that? It’s not even about me anymore, or about the hurt he’s caused me. But I just don’t understand how someone could do that to anyone?! Of course sometimes I wonder how he’s doing. If he’s suffered at least a little from this breakup. If he still thinks of me at all. What he told his father about our ‘breakup’… or if I’m just like any other exgirlfriend he’s had and he deleted me out of my mind right away.

Funnily enough, when I was deleting pictures of him off my phone, I found some old screenshots. Two weeks prior to our fight he told me how I was the one and only for him and how much he appreciated my personality. Just to be thrown away like garbage 2 weeks later. I still don’t understand his lack of fighting for this relationship. But then he never learned, so yeah.

At the end of the day, all of this doesn’t matter. I know I’m way much better off without him. I do not deserve to be treated like this and it would have never worked out in any possible way. His lack of empathy would have caused me a lot of pain on our further journey, so I’m glad I can fight this battle again by myself. I know who to rely on. It’s funny since everyone asked about our breakup I told them about me pre-cancer cells. Every single one of them has not asked about the breakup afterwards, but about my health. So it still doesn’t get into my head how my boyfriend couldn’t do that. Oh well, maybe there are people out there that need no empathy.

Anyway. As I said in my last post, I am content with being alone right now and that’s all that matters. I will try and cut him out completely. It worked with Stan, it will work with that one as well. So much for “my one” – on to the next one!

finding love

I texted Doc on Friday, asking “do you feel like meeting up for a drink sometimes, if you find the time?” I don’t know where all the courage came from, but honestly… I already knew the answer I would get. And I knew by asking that I would know where I’m standing with him.
I also wanted to give him a chance of an excuse (no time), so he didn’t have to dump me. I figured he was the kind of person, that wasn’t able to really tell someone that he was not interested. I don’t mean this in any bad way, I’m the same. I just figured he was too nice to be that honest to hurt someone.

After I sent it I waited… and waited… and waited. There was no reply that evening. Which wasn’t that much of a surprise, as I usually got an answer super late from him. On Saturday morning there was still nothing. Neither on Sunday morning. I started to feel sad, not about him dumping me.. but just because I hadn’t thought he was the kind of guy to be ghosting me. I never actually lost the hope in him replying.. I was just,.. surprised. I can’t really describe the feeling, as I always knew he would text me at some point. But then I knew how wrong I was about Alan, so I don’t really trust my knowledge in human nature anymore. I didn’t know if I was wrong once again. I really didn’t want to be.

Turns out, I wasn’t. This evening I got a text, saying: “Yes, I would like to meet up, but the time is the crucial part… as you have experienced by me only replying now.”
I wasn’t even sad, as I expected exactly this answer. I was actually proud of me for asking in the first place and not holding back from possibly being turned down. I did text him back, that he should let me know whenever he was free and wanted to see me, as I’m quite spontaneous. I don’t expect this to ever happen, but who really knows?!

I wasn’t exactly sad. Not in a way that I have been before, when I got such an answer from someone. But then again, I think it’s because I knew beforehand that I’m not actually his type of girl. Or that’s what I think anyway.
And it got me thinking… Why just give up? Love is not meant to be “plain and easy”. I can’t expect to meet someone, talk to them for 2 weeks and then be happily in love. That probably is one reason why my relationships never worked out, as I was always so impatient. I need to really get to know someone. Even if it takes a year or even longer, who cares? Maybe he needs time for himself. He is busy, and I understand that I’m not a priority. I don’t even expect to be one. I know that if he really wanted to see me, he would find the time… but it’s not the case, and that’s totally fine.

Maybe this is meant to be a lesson for my patience in finding love. Who really knows?
When I think back to how Momo and I got together, it was actually the same. We met, we texted a lot, we had sex.. and I always asked myself what I was doing. Why we couldn’t just put a label on what we had? Why we couldn’t just fall in love with each other. But I kept doing what I knew I could deal with. And in the end (2 months later) we figured out, that we do match pretty good and this could work out. And it did (for the time being).

Maybe this is the same? Or maybe fate just made me meet him to forget about Alan (which actually really has worked. He has been on my mind a lot less, and whenever he is, I’m not hurt anymore.. so that’s great).

Who really knows? I’m just living life and enjoying what I have. Who even needs to think nonstop about finding the one? It’s never going to happen that way, and I know that.

out of my league

I guess it’s time to update on my current situation, right?

I haven’t heard from Alan. The last time that we talked on his behalf was over 6 weeks ago. As I mentioned, he does answer my texts, but not intending on any conversation or interest in me whatsoever. I have not heard one thing about any of the letters and honestly, I truly have given up about a week ago to ever hear from him again. So far I have gifted the tickets I bought for him to a friend of mine, I have deleted him on instagram a few weeks back. And I deleted his snapchat today. It was the only source of connection anymore that was left. The only way to know what is going on in his life. And I figured it was time to cut this off, too. We’re still friends on facebook, but I unfollowed him a few weeks ago as well – so I need to actively go on his profile to see anything. So that’s gonna be the last step to get him out of my life completely.
I am glad I have met Doc. He made me finally let go of Alan for good. Not that he had any intention to, or that I am hoping to fall in love with Doc. But at least this came out of it: Getting rid of Alan for good.

Now. Doc and I. A whole other story.
As I mentioned he didn’t reply to my drunk text from 3am. Saturday night I texted him again, asking if he was back to normal and asking if he even knew what my name was. This was the start of very long conversations. Turned out he wasn’t as drunk as I thought he was. He knew everything that I told him that evening. Like every detail I ever blabbered about. Which is quite the opposite of Alan. So I knew he was actually listening to me.
I’m not the biggest fan of doctors, so I wasn’t very keen when he told me he was becoming to be one. My opinion has changed completely though. He is so forthcoming and listens to everything I say. He asks about my health (which once more, was just so funny to see the difference between a stranger and Alan. Doc asked so much about my coming operation and stuff). There was a turn in conversation 2 days ago – or so I thought. I felt like he didn’t ask as many questions anymore. Or just seemed annoyed having to talk to me. I guess it was all in my head though. I mean, the texts still don’t fit on one phone screen, so you can imagine how lengthy those are. I told him last night, that he should not feel obliged to text me, even less in that length. That I do find him interesting, but don’t want to interrupt him doing things. To which he replied “that’s nice of you, but I text you because I want to and not because I feel obliged. So don’t worry about that”. I just had that feeling. He’s that kind of guy who’s just being nice to everyone and I don’t want to get my hopes up for nothing. I do think he is not interested romantically, but I just enjoy getting to know him. We’ll see how things are going and where it will lead us.

Also I found out that he’s 3 years younger than me, so that’s a thing. I just don’t think I’m his type of girl. He’s what you could call “out of my league”.

optimism.

After last post, I figured I had to let you know that I am still very much alive. I cried myself to sleep that night, but it did me well. (Although I still haven’t heard from him ever since)

I don’t know where the tears came from, but it was freeing. You know how people tell you that crying is freeing? It really is. I haven’t cried in so long, that I was wondering what was wrong with me. I’m not a huge crier at all, don’t get me wrong. But the sadness I had felt over the last couple of weeks was bound to make me cry, but I never did cry. I felt the tears in my mind, but not in my eyes. Since that night I’ve been waking up with tear stains down my face in the morning, not remembering that I cried… so there’s that.

However. Ever since that crying disaster, I have been feeling a lot better. I am not sure for what reason. Probably for the lack of time thinking about him. Maybe because I have continued that letter I am sending to him (and yes I decided to send it. One last try to make this work). Some part probably is, because writing that letter made me have some (last) hope. I had been daydreaming about him finally understanding what this was all about. And getting a last conversation to make it all clear to him and working through this. Together. Another part probably is, having finally understood, that there is nothing to be sad about. If he doesn’t want to be with me and fight through this, he is not worth my sadness over him. I’m pretty sure it’s gonna be too much work for him to fight for me (for the little outcome he gets). Yet there still is that tiny sparkle of hope left. But we’ll see, I guess. I’ve had the longest time to accept this, maybe I finally did.

Either way, things will move forward – one way or the other. And I need to accept this and be happy. Either with or without him.

I’m sure once this is all gone for good. Like, once he’s back home (which by the way is in a week) and does not reply to my letters or doesn’t want to work through this, the sadness will return. But then the healing can start, because there’s nothing left to do. I’ve done all I possibly can.
My friend told me yesterday that I’ve done way too much to save this relationship. And I know that I have. But I do not want to have to ask myself in the future, why I hadn’t tried everything to save this relationship. Maybe once he’s back, I don’t even want this anymore. Who really knows? My emotions have been all over the place for the last 5 weeks. What else is bound to happen to me? Seriously though. Alan has showed me love again, when I had lost all hope of ever getting that feeling again. We’ve had a wonderful 2 months and I will forever treasure those moments in me. So there’s nothing lost. I’d had a good time with him. If it’s not meant to be, so be it. I have found my purpose in life over the last 5 weeks, which is accepting that I cannot rely my life on finding a man and create a family. I have found that purpose in my work. Helping others. That’s all I can do for now. Everything else I will figure out whilst on the way.

sadness overload.

All of a sudden these last few days, emotions have bubbled up in me. Whilst anger was the most obvious over the course of the last couple of weeks, a deep sadness has overcome me ever since I stopped working last Thursday. I was able to keep it at bay by working on my school stuff. However today it got to me. Big time.

It’s not a sadness I’ve felt before, about being single and apparently not being able to hold up a relationship. Or seeing everyone happy around me, dating or being in long-term-relationships (which of course is not helping out at all right now). But the sadness of losing a part of myself. I don’t know where all these tears have come from as I haven’t cried in probably 2-3 weeks about this breakup. But now I can’t hold them back anymore. I haven’t cried for so long, and now they’re overflowing. All of a sudden. I didn’t even particularly think about Alan, when a sadness has started to form from my stomach upwards. And now I’m sitting here in bed, tears spilling on my tshirt.

Maybe it’s part of the realisation. Knowing that he will fly away for 3 weeks tomorrow and doesn’t even have the nerve to tell me what he thought about the letter. Not one word was said ever since I sent him the package. It just hurts so much to once more have provided trust in someone that obviously has not deserved it.

I’m just so hurt.