new guy

out of my league

I guess it’s time to update on my current situation, right?

I haven’t heard from Alan. The last time that we talked on his behalf was over 6 weeks ago. As I mentioned, he does answer my texts, but not intending on any conversation or interest in me whatsoever. I have not heard one thing about any of the letters and honestly, I truly have given up about a week ago to ever hear from him again. So far I have gifted the tickets I bought for him to a friend of mine, I have deleted him on instagram a few weeks back. And I deleted his snapchat today. It was the only source of connection anymore that was left. The only way to know what is going on in his life. And I figured it was time to cut this off, too. We’re still friends on facebook, but I unfollowed him a few weeks ago as well – so I need to actively go on his profile to see anything. So that’s gonna be the last step to get him out of my life completely.
I am glad I have met Doc. He made me finally let go of Alan for good. Not that he had any intention to, or that I am hoping to fall in love with Doc. But at least this came out of it: Getting rid of Alan for good.

Now. Doc and I. A whole other story.
As I mentioned he didn’t reply to my drunk text from 3am. Saturday night I texted him again, asking if he was back to normal and asking if he even knew what my name was. This was the start of very long conversations. Turned out he wasn’t as drunk as I thought he was. He knew everything that I told him that evening. Like every detail I ever blabbered about. Which is quite the opposite of Alan. So I knew he was actually listening to me.
I’m not the biggest fan of doctors, so I wasn’t very keen when he told me he was becoming to be one. My opinion has changed completely though. He is so forthcoming and listens to everything I say. He asks about my health (which once more, was just so funny to see the difference between a stranger and Alan. Doc asked so much about my coming operation and stuff). There was a turn in conversation 2 days ago – or so I thought. I felt like he didn’t ask as many questions anymore. Or just seemed annoyed having to talk to me. I guess it was all in my head though. I mean, the texts still don’t fit on one phone screen, so you can imagine how lengthy those are. I told him last night, that he should not feel obliged to text me, even less in that length. That I do find him interesting, but don’t want to interrupt him doing things. To which he replied “that’s nice of you, but I text you because I want to and not because I feel obliged. So don’t worry about that”. I just had that feeling. He’s that kind of guy who’s just being nice to everyone and I don’t want to get my hopes up for nothing. I do think he is not interested romantically, but I just enjoy getting to know him. We’ll see how things are going and where it will lead us.

Also I found out that he’s 3 years younger than me, so that’s a thing. I just don’t think I’m his type of girl. He’s what you could call “out of my league”.

Maybe I still love my ex…

I have been thinking too much a lot lately. And I am really asking myself whether I am ready for a new relationship. No, I’m not talking about Ken, I’m talking about Momo. I know that it has been almost a year, but I’m not sure if I am over that relationship. Ken was the perfect proof that I haven’t been ready for someone like him, but then also he was just so imperfect for me.

I have been thinking a lot about Momo. Well, not about Momo as a person, but the relationship I had with him. And I remember how easy it was. Don’t get me wrong, I know that probably if I’d reread my posts from the breakup, I’d hate it all over again. But once upon a time I remember reading somewhere that once you get out of a relationship you start to see all the bad things to get over it, but when you have gotten over it, you will remember all the good times. And maybe I have forgotten the little bad details I didn’t like about him. So maybe I have reached that stage now.

What am I even blabbering about?! I just remember how easy everything was with Momo. We met, we talked, we had sex, we went out and somewhen along this path we decided to make it official to be together. But there was never confusion whether we wanted this relationship (at least not on my part). I never worried whether it would workout or not, I just went with the flow. There was never any overthinking if I should tell him certain things. I never had to hold my mouth, because I was worried that he’d get hurt. He never pushed me to say my feelings out loud. He just accepted how I was. You know, the relationship just kind of… evolved. Without putting too much thought or energy in it. It just worked, without overthinking what I was doing. We just matched when it came to our personalities. Was I that lucky or am I just too worried now?

I have no idea, so I’m a bit confused. I bumped into a schoolfriend at work today and she asked “how’s it going with your crush?” and I said “I don’t have a crush.. but I think he’s good. Don’t know.” So she was looking at me questioningly and I just said “I’m not so sure about this anymore. I feel like whenever the guy is sure about ‘us’, I’m starting to overthink and get worried.” Is it really me, or is Dodo just the wrong man for me? Or am I looking for a challenge to get a boy? Is it too easy to get him? I have absolutely no idea, and whenever I start to think about it I just tell myself to take things slowly and see where the future heads. But how long is he going to let me push him back to walk at my pace? I don’t know. I guess I will have to find out.

can never get enough..

Guys, I would like to tell y’all that I have learnt from my past. But I guess… not really.
Remember when I kept saying that I didn’t want a relationship for the next 3 years and then Ken came into my life? Last Friday after really breaking up with Ken I just thought to myself that I’m done with relationships for quite a while. But whilst thinking it, I also knew that I would break my own promise IF someone showed up in my life. I knew because right after the breakup, I started flirting with quite a few guys (Redfox, Alex and Dodo – more to Dodo later on)… they were back to “normal” once things about the ex were laid out.
I already missed having someone in my life at any given time, although it wasn’t even really over by then. I missed having someone who is interested in me, who cares about my daily life and just… was my boyfriend.

Now… Dodo has been a friend for a looooong time. I think I’ve known him since about 2002 or something?! From the internet again, yes. One of my longest friends. I always found him to be a bit weird, yet always talked to him. In the last few years our contact has been on and off, but still we could talk WHEN there was contact. Right at the beginning when I came together with Ken, we reconnected once more. I congratulated him to his birthday and we started chatting (that was in April). He has had a girlfriend forever. They’ve been together for 9 years, and she is now abroad for half a year and kind of broke up with him shortly before his birthday. So he talked to me about this and we chatted. A lot. I tried to cheer him up, so he was one of the reasons Ken was jealous. His name would always pop up on my phone, whenever he felt down or just wanted some entertainment. And I told him to do so. After 9 years of relationship, being dumped like that.. it must hurt. So I tried to cheer him up.
Ever since Ken has been acting like an idiot, the contact has improved in certain… ways. I even felt a bit sad when I had a boyfriend and Dodo and I started to become closer. Since the breakup, the flirting has been pretty obvious (it was there before, if I’m being honest, I just kept it low so that Ken wouldn’t freak out – but it was always a kind of teasing to cheer him up.. I mean who doesn’t want to feel wanted when you’ve just been left by long-term-girlfriend?!). Just today he talked about the exgirlfriend again, and I realised… that I probably shouldn’t get my hopes up about anything. He is nowhere over his girlfriend and I don’t expect him to any time soon. He needs time, and I will give it to him. So I told myself to get to know him and just give us both the time to deal with our lives. It’s hard though. I have never seen him in real life, and we have been talking about meeting up for a week now. He invited me to a football game, but it’s really early in the morning and I’d have to drive quite a while.. now he wants to give me the fitbit he wanted to give his exgirlfriend as a present. I asked him what I have to pay so he was like “well you know, this way you have to come over and get it, so we can finally meet.” Clue?!

I don’t know what to think. I know it is too early.. I even thought Ken was too early after Momo, so it is definitely too early to have someone new. But then I also know that nothing would ever happen, because he is not over his girlfriend yet and this way I am forced to take things slow. But I also don’t want to get my hopes up for nothing and end up hurt. Ah, I don’t know. I’m really weird.