Not only has my anxiety hit its peak again, but depression has punched me right back into my face again.
A while ago I have already talked about the topic of probably never having kids. Not that I do not want them
, I really do, but there was suddenly this overwhelming feeling of not getting pregnant… like, ever. I cannot really explain where that feeling came from, but it stuck with me ever since. I mentioned that I have finally come to accept the thought, and I usually do. But it still leaves me crying every now and then. Like today.
When I got the message from my gyn that I had chlamydias back after the breakup with Stan last year, I was just sure that it got me infertile. I got everything tested again 2 weeks ago when I went for another checkup, because I had unprotected sex with Lex on holidays. I just wanted to be sure, that if I ever would find a guy again, that I was clean. For my own and the other’s sake.
Just a few days ago it crossed my mind that I hadn’t gotten a letter to say everything was okay yet. Which I usually did. Then after work I saw a missed call from my gyn. I already knew something was off and called them back, in fear that I had gotten gonorrheas. So whilst it was ringing I had all these bad thoughts in my head. In the end they told me that there was some inflammatory cell-change in my uterus. So after I finally got a negative test back earlier this year for my smear test, something is off once again.
I hang the phone up and said to my colleague, who was in the room: “why can’t they just take that shit out of me, so I have some peace at last?!” I literally said that they should take my uterus out, because I’m done hearing all those bad messages of my body. I’m done with how nothing seems to get better and getting calls from my doctors every few months. I hate going for checkups every month, and nothing ever gets better. For godness’ sake, I’m 26 and I have the body of a 50 yo. That just sucks and nobody seems to understand. And I just don’t have any energy left to fight all the freaking time.
Although I really really want children, I’m just done with all of this crap.
I have to go back in 3 months to get it checked out again, but seriously? I have no hope left for ever getting my life wish granted. I need to accept that I might never be a mother.
I talked to said colleague for 1.5 hours and she tried to cheer me up. But now I’m home alone again, and I’m crying my eyes out, because that thought finally does somewhat settle in my head. I just can’t accept it yet. Not really.
And it just seems like I can’t talk to anyone. The few people I did, don’t seem to take my thoughts seriously and just write it off to me overreacting. It’s always “nobody knows what the future brings” or “you sure will get pregnant somewhen”. But that feeling about being infertile just doesn’t go away. It’s not like it’s my fear (which it obviously is), but it’s just like something is awfully off in my body. I can’t really explain it. But I feel it.
I’m sorry for the huge overload of self-pity in this post, I just needed to get it off my chest.