pregnancy.

Not only has my anxiety hit its peak again, but depression has punched me right back into my face again.

A while ago I have already talked about the topic of probably never having kids. Not that I do not want them, I really do, but there was suddenly this overwhelming feeling of not getting pregnant… like, ever. I cannot really explain where that feeling came from, but it stuck with me ever since. I mentioned that I have finally come to accept the thought, and I usually do. But it still leaves me crying every now and then. Like today.

When I got the message from my gyn that I had chlamydias back after the breakup with Stan last year, I was just sure that it got me infertile. I got everything tested again 2 weeks ago when I went for another checkup, because I had unprotected sex with Lex on holidays. I just wanted to be sure, that if I ever would find a guy again, that I was clean. For my own and the other’s sake.

Just a few days ago it crossed my mind that I hadn’t gotten a letter to say everything was okay yet. Which I usually did. Then after work I saw a missed call from my gyn. I already knew something was off and called them back, in fear that I had gotten gonorrheas. So whilst it was ringing I had all these bad thoughts in my head. In the end they told me that there was some inflammatory cell-change in my uterus. So after I finally got a negative test back earlier this year for my smear test, something is off once again.

I hang the phone up and said to my colleague, who was in the room: “why can’t they just take that shit out of me, so I have some peace at last?!” I literally said that they should take my uterus out, because I’m done hearing all those bad messages of my body. I’m done with how nothing seems to get better and getting calls from my doctors every few months. I hate going for checkups every month, and nothing ever gets better. For godness’ sake, I’m 26 and I have the body of a 50 yo. That just sucks and nobody seems to understand. And I just don’t have any energy left to fight all the freaking time.

Although I really really want children, I’m just done with all of this crap.
I have to go back in 3 months to get it checked out again, but seriously? I have no hope left for ever getting my life wish granted. I need to accept that I might never be a mother.

I talked to said colleague for 1.5 hours and she tried to cheer me up. But now I’m home alone again, and I’m crying my eyes out, because that thought finally does somewhat settle in my head. I just can’t accept it yet. Not really.
And it just seems like I can’t talk to anyone. The few people I did, don’t seem to take my thoughts seriously and just write it off to me overreacting. It’s always “nobody knows what the future brings” or “you sure will get pregnant somewhen”. But that feeling about being infertile just doesn’t go away. It’s not like it’s my fear (which it obviously is), but it’s just like something is awfully off in my body. I can’t really explain it. But I feel it.

I’m sorry for the huge overload of self-pity in this post, I just needed to get it off my chest.

emigrating?

I really don’t know where my mind is at. One minute I feel perfectly fine being back at home, I’m doing great with my work and actually enjoy being here… the next I just want to get away. I know I will get used to being home again, but do I want this? I know that deep down I have always wanted to get away, not live in my own country and just… leave. But the question is, do I want to stay with my family and friends (who – lets be honest – don’t care so much about me being here) or do I follow my own dreams and not take the secure and “normal” way? Or is that all just a phase, and I wouldn’t at all be happy abroad? I do not know. I really have no idea what to do. Finishing my studies and see what life brings until then? Quit university and go now?…

The thing that confuses me is, do I want to go somewhere I don’t know anybody? I have slowly realised that the guys I met there, won’t be there in 2 year’s time. They work there for a season and then go back home or to another hotel. Do I want to go there by myself? But I’m great with new people, so maybe I would get even cooler guys?

Also I feel like… every day a bit more – that I was nothing special to those guys at all. Which probably is just the case, but my heart doesn’t want to accept because I gotten to like them so much. Crush has still not answered/read my message. Maybe he is just online on his day off? But then I think, if I wouldn’t have the chance to say goodbye to someone I really liked and said I would say goodbye, I would have gone online that very day and texted him, saying sorry or whatever. He didn’t, so maybe I was just another girl to him. No matter the sweetie and sweetheart comments, no matter the happiness he showed when I texted him. But then, why did he say “this is very important!” when he asked me for a time to meet before I left? And why did he not show up? There are so many questions I probably will never get the amswer to. I just know how much I miss him.
Lex also hasn’t replied, which I’m not surprised about. I was just a hookup and I knew that. I’m okay with it.
Also the girl I was chatting with in the beginning of the week hasn’t replied yet, although she has read the message. I’m okay, I understand they are busy and what is in there for texting with me? I just feel… I feel lonely. That’s my main issue right now. And I knew I would when I left the hotel. I knew I wouldn’t be as interactive with people back here, I wouldn’t go to beach volley everyday with people I did not know. I’m just so different at home. I don’t want to see people I don’t know, or I don’t know how to go about it. So how come I’m doing so much better abroad?

I talked to my boss yesterday and there is a high chance, that I will get enough days off for flying over there at the end of October. It would be just at the end of the season and I would get to see the guys again. But do they want me to be there? I would have to go alone, which is perfectly fine for me… but if they don’t care, what do I want there?

The fun thing is: For the first time in my entire life I don’t plan my future around a boy or family. Somehow I have given up on the idea on finding a boyfriend and family and I just plan my future to be alone. And I’m perfectly fine with it. I used to always think like “I can’t go abroad, what if I have a boyfriend until then and he’s not okay with it?”. Now I’m not. If that’s good or not, I don’t know and neither care. Life will fly by either way.

day #2 after holidays.

I’m better. Much better.
Now I’m actually glad I had to work pretty much right after getting back home. I wasn’t in the mood to work this morning and I felt very depressed. The good thing was, that I couldn’t get nervous about meeting new people, because I was so occupied with my weird mind that I didn’t realise what was happening until I was standing in front of my new team. But once I was at work, I also didn’t have so much time to think about the great time I had these last 2 weeks.

I still am sad, yes. I did think about the holidays whilst working, which never happens. When I work, I usually never think about anything else, so that’s new. I still miss the guys so much and I still want to go back. But it’s not nearly as bad, as it has been yesterday. I know I will be sad again eventually. I will have my down days. It’ll take a long time.
But.
I will keep my eyes on going abroad for a season once I’m finished with my studies. I just hope I can deal with it until then. Or not “forget” about my itchy feet again like I did after Australia and get it even worse when I go abroad again.
I am also thinking about going back in October for a week, but I gotta talk to my boss about my days off. I think having a plan for going abroad, getting my mind off things whilst working and having someone from over there talk to me, has somewhat “healed” my depressed mind. I think this has mainly to do with talking to one of the girls I met there. I felt like I lost them all for good. Never gonna hear from them again, and just being a nobody to them, whilst I really gotten to like them – it was nagging on my mind, not gonna lie.

Crush still has not read my message on facebook (I sent it on Sunday afternoon), but I know how busy they are. And let’s be real, maybe he wasn’t at all interested and just was being friendly. Maybe I just talked myself into something that wasn’t actually happening. But talking to the girl has set my mind at ease. Or at least a little more at ease than it was before.
I also messaged Lex about the hickey he left, but he didn’t react. I didn’t expect him to, so I’m totally fine about it.

Things’ll change.

I’m no good at goodbyes.

I’m back home. And sadly so. I cried during most of the drive and flight home (which sums up to about 5 hours or more). Why, you might ask yourself?

I’m just sad I didn’t get to say goodbye to anyone. I did bump into Chris one last time when I left the beach. He just looked at me and turned around. I knew he would, he was glad I had to leave. And I was actually okay with it. This story had ended for me.
But all the guys from the animation team. I saw Crush in the morning, I wanted to say goodbye to him then, but he said he would come to the entrance when I leave. We decided on 2.30pm (I should get picked up at 3pm). He said he’s gonna bring the others.
After Crush left, I didn’t bump into anyone of the others. Once I was sat at the lobby I just knew. I knew I wouldn’t get to say goodbye, because… it’s just my life. I have never had the chance to say goodbye to anyone. Ever. Not if I liked them.
So I actually walked around the pool 3 times, because they usually stay there. Noone. At 2.59pm the driver came and my mom told me to get the fuck in the car. By then I was already crying like a baby. I sat in the car and looked back. I don’t know if it was real or not, but just when the driver started, I saw about 5 people coming up the reception. But it probably wasn’t them.

So I went away, no goodbye. No hugs. I was devastated. I had gotten to like these people so much by then, I really didn’t want to leave. As mentioned already, I cried. My eyes are all puffy by now. I didn’t talk to anyone for the rest of the day and I still don’t feel like talking. Nobody can understand this feeling inside of me. Who even gets to love people in the short amount of 2 weeks and wants to change their life, just because of this? Yeah, nobody, but me.

I don’t know why, but I need to get back. I know, they probably don’t care about me. I was just a girl on holidays. They will forget. They live on their beautiful life and I go back to normal, boring, daily life.
I don’t know about the Crush. I don’t know why the thought of not telling goodbye to him broke my heart. Maybe because I know I will not see him again. Maybe because I just wanted to tell him some things to his face, I didn’t have a chance before. You know, he was off work on Saturday. I found him on facebook and texted him “enjoy your day off, sweetie 😉 :*” by the time I realised what I had written, I was ashamed. But then I bumped into him in the evening and he said with the hugest smile “your message made my day!” I don’t think I have been this happy in a long time. I just totally didn’t expect this, as I had ‘just’ gotten a “thx :* :* :*” back from him. I didn’t expect him to be that happy about a message. It was also the evening I sang on karaoke for him (I hate singing in front of people!), because he asked me to a few days prior. Of course he wasn’t there and when the others told him, he was really upset and sad. He just has a really cute personality.
When I left the hotel, I just had to tell him the things I wanted to say to his face but didn’t get the chance. So I did. He hasn’t read it yet – not so keen on facebook I guess. Which makes it that much harder.

The thing about Lex: I woke up to noticing a hickey on my neck. That was kind of weird, because I was afraid someone would notice. But nobody said so. I had been thinking about our sex a lot after the 2 hours of sleep. And it made me giggle most of the time. So no, I do not regret it. It was fun. I don’t expect any thing of it and I guess that’s how ONS should work, right? I was even surprised when Crush said Lex can come to say goodbye (of course he didn’t).

So I did say goodbye to everyone of them. But it was in the middle of the night with saying “see you tomorrow”. Maybe it’s for the better. I have never been good in saying goodbye and letting go, so that’s probably how life tries to be good with me? Maybe saying “see you” is better than an actual goodbye? I don’t know, I never got to say it before.
The thought of never getting to see any of them again is killing me. I figured I might be able to go back at the end of October, it would be their last week.

So all of this. Is a huge deja-vu from when I returned to Australia. I really don’t feel like I’m home at all. I don’t want to be here. I don’t care about my family being here or my friends. Or the work I used to love so much. Right now  I really just don’t want any of it.

I think I will return to normal. Someday. It will take some time though. And the thing is: this happens almost every time I go abroad. So I got my itchy feet back on a horrible level. I even thought about cancelling my studies and go back. Who the fuck cares about my studies here? I want to get on an island and talk to people in different languages (actually, this was the most annoying thing to me yesterday: everybody talked in my mother tongue again and it freaked me out, because it made me missed all the different English accents I used to hear). And I know, apart from my mother nobody will care if I do so.

For now I will stay here for a few weeks. If it doesn’t get better, I will go. I don’t care about what my brother says anymore that I have to stay in this country because of my nephew. Because really? My heart doesn’t belong here. And although I could not be anymore born of this nationality, I don’t feel like it at all (and that’s what people told me on holidays as well).
It feels weird to know that everyone else’s life just goes on as if nothing had ever happened – well that’s because it hasn’t. And I’m sitting here, feeling like my life has just broken into a billion pieces and I don’t know how to put them back together.

Maybe my life will take a huge turn in these next couple of months. Maybe it won’t. But in the long run, I need to get the fuck away (and there’s a new target in sight now, so we’ll see).
For now I have planned to go to the tattoist and get one made for memories of these holidays. And yes, really, I am that stupid.

S, C, Lex, V, Crush, G, N, St. – you have taken my heart and kept it there. I love you guys, and I hope to some day see you again (the hope is tiny, but you know… life). Missing you.

Umm.. a little sex happened.

You guys want to hear a fun story?

I had sex yesterday.

On the beach.

With a guy I did not expect it at all, whatsoever.

I have only slept about 3 hours and cannot sleep, so sorry if this makes no sense whatsoever.

Do I regret it? I’m not sure of that yet. But here goes the situation:
The hotel I’m staying at has an animation team with about 6 guys. I did talk to one of them regularly right from the beginning. I had a little crush on another one (Crush), after the thing with Chris happened (I actually kind of told him how much I liked him when I was drunk on Wednesday and there’s just something between us). Then there was one I liked until I realised he was an ass. So if anything with anyone would have still happened on this holiday, I expected it with one of those (although I really didn’t expect any at all).

Yesterday evening I was saying goodbye to the guys after their show. Lex asked me if I would join them to go out and said sure. So I stayed up until they finished practice at 3am. He messaged me his number on facebook and so things were set. I always just figured I would go out with all of them and actually bumped into the group (without Lex) on my way to the entrance. But, I had made plans with Lex so I went there alone. He asked what I wanted to do and I was kinda confused. We ended up buying a beer and going to the beach to talk.

We were talking and having fun. Oh yeah by the way, we were playing beach volley a few days ago and fooled around, so I guess that’s when things started and I didn’t notice. We were teasing each other and I really did like that guy, but not in that way.

Fast forward to present: All of a sudden he pulled me towards him and kissed me. I was surprised, but pleasantly so. It didn’t take him long to start fumbling and I knew I either had to stop now, or I wouldn’t at all. You know what happened after that.
The sex was okay. But ONS are still not my thing, you know. I need emotions involved. I knew he just wanted to get me laid and I wanted it to be over actually. I wanted to get back to the others and see my Crush. I’m stupid, I know… thank you very much.

Lex is 6 years younger than me. In this very short amount of time he asked me for a blowjob, analsex and to cum in my mouth. I declined all of them. He was very dominant, which I hadn’t expected at all. It’s weird you know. He did talk to me afterwards and held me whilst getting back to the others, didn’t expect that. But he definitely had his asshole mode turned on, I could tell although he was not treating me badly at all. He was just… different.

I “regret” it for one reason only: I thought about my Crush during the sex and I am terrified he wil brag about this with the others (so Crush will know about this eventually, I guess. Although I’m not sure if they are close enough for this.). Such a deja-vu to my last ONS. Last night of my holidays. With a random dude. Guys talking about me afterwards. I just hope he acts all grown-up and doesn’t tell them. Noone, not even the girls. But my hope is tiny.

Lex is neither my type from the looks (he is NOT bad looking, just not my type), nor from personality. I asked him after the sex how many girls he had brought here already and he started to laugh and just said he had only been here for 3 weeks, so one (me). So I think that sums it about up, right? I wasn’t hurt about this though. I knew.

I do not expect anything from this. No contact or whatever, so it’s okay (that’s how ONS work, right?). It happened, I enjoyed the sex actually. But I miss my crush. Oh and by the way, I went out with them to have a chance and talk some more to my Crush. Who actually went to bed after I saw him in the hotel. So that was a failure, huh?