Dan

Dan was a patient of mine and asked me out on a date. We texted, but as he’s from another country we didn’t get to see each other again, as he soon left. We do text every now and then, and he’s very into me and getting to know each other. So we’ll see where this will lead. (August 2016 – now)

guys all over!

Fun story? Kenny has showed up again on Christmas Eve. As I mentioned in one of my latest post, I deleted his number after another argument. I was just done with always being the first one to text. It took him more than a month to do so. We have been texting back and forth again, him trying to flirt. But I’m just not falling for that again, and it feels pretty damn good. Like I won’t ignore him, but I also just don’t go into any of his shit. No emotions involved at all.
He actually asked to see me last week, but that didn’t happen when I didn’t ask for a time (surprise!). Then he also asked me if we could see each other again on that party we kissed on last year. But that’s not going to happen either. I’m not willing to date him as long as he has a girlfriend at all.

There are a few guys I met on several platforms on the ‘lead’ right now. I’m not sure what to expect of any of them, and I’m not sure if I should name them on here yet. For now just giving them letters though:

  • First there’s M. We have been texting a while and he asked to see me about 3 weeks ago, because he lives in the city I go to school. I was totally up for it, but he then asked me to come over to his flat and I explained that this would not happen. We haven’t seen each other yet and I actually think it’ll stay this way. For the main reason of him really liking girls that put makeup on, and I rarely can be bothered to do so.
  • Then there’s R. I really can’t recall what happened, I met him on Tinder a few months ago and for some reason I deleted his number. I really do not know why, whether he said something wrong or just wasn’t answering anymore. However, a couple of days ago he added me on Snapchat and we have been chatting over Snapchat. Today he asked me why we wouldn’t talk on WhatsApp, so I actually had to explain it. He kind of accused me so I said “you had all the time to text me as well, so…” He went on about how he thought I wasn’t interested anymore, but I just don’t buy it. Let’s see where this is leading though, he made it pretty clear I’m not the only girl he’s talking to. So I’m not sure what he’s in for.
  • And last but certainly not least: Y. He actually kind of seems like my dream-guy from what I’ve known yet. He lives close to where I work, he has a little daughter, doesn’t like going out too much, is funny, and very very handsome. We’ve been sending pictures every now and then, and he just looks so cute and I’m over the moon. We don’t actually text very often, which is very unusual for me, but it’s actually okay. Not hanging all over each other.

As you might have noticed, I did switch Dan back up to the “current dates” category. Not because we’re dating, but because he keeps coming back into my life and trying to stay there, which is really cute. I do not believe that anything is coming out of this, but he is definitely a ‘current’ for now.

I guess I’ll just have to see what 2017 brings for me 🙂 How are all of you doing in this new year?!

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update

It has been a while and if anyone has wondered, I am better. I got a letter from my gyn that at least everything else has turned out negative, so I just need to go back and see where or why that inflammation showed up. It’s alright, life will give me what I deserve. If that happens to not be kids, it’s gonna be alright.
I am somewhat in a bad place, because I had to leave my work place again and I really gotten to love them and they treated me very well. I am now just hanging onto the hope, that I can one day return there once I’m done with my studies. Until then I gotta be strong for the next 1.5 years.

Now a little update on ‘my’ guys, I guess you deserve this:

  • I have not heard from crush for over 2 months now, and it’s alright. I’m going to Germany tomorrow and I’m totally okay with not spending 3 times as much money for my holidays there instead of visiting him.
  • Dan has messaged me several times in the last few days about me visiting his city. I did not reply to any of the messages, as I am just over him. He really just annoyed me whenever we texted and he’s totally not for me. I did tell him several times that I did not intend to see him, so it’s not like I’m ghosting him. If we would happen to bump into each other, so be it. But I guess the chance is tiny. I will spend a nice time with my friend there and then that’s it. I moved Dan to the past-section.
  • I have messaged D again this week and we have been texting on and off. I only noticed yesterday when a colleague said he was there to visit, that it was the same day he texted me “you weren’t at work today?!” I didn’t think much of it back then, so that’s kinda funny, as he asked how long I was working and I said 3 weeks – to which he said, he will visit afterwards then.
    To make matters worse, I met another guy at work. He’s not really my type of guy, but he’s really nice and we had a blast. However – as I mentioned above – I left work yesterday and I didn’t get to say goodbye to him, as he was sleeping when I entered the room. I messaged him on facebook, but facebook is a huge pain in the arse when it comes to messaging guys you’re not friends with (it shows up in the ‘other’ section without any notification whatsoever). We’ll see, maybe I’m gonna send him a friend request somewhen.
  • No text message from guy’s friend. We’re friends on instagram now, but no messages. And that’s alright.
  • Also Kenny has showed up once more, however I’m at a place, where I know he’s no good for me. I like how he still tries to flirt with me and I totally let him. But my heart is turned off right now, so that’s alright.

 

That’s all.

bye Dan.

Long time no talk. There’s a simple reason for that: Nothing has really changed or happened ever since.

My conversations with Dan have subsided to pretty much nothing. It’s mostly on my part, I just can’t be bothered to answer his questions anymore and do get annoyed whenever he texts me. It’s either for small talk or when he’s once more drunk. So you can imagine my  eager to talk to him. It’s pretty much non-existant. I knew right from the beginning that there was a high chance I was just getting myself into a dreamworld, that will shatter eventually. Didn’t think it would be that fast, but the sooner the better. I’m just glad I realised before booking a holiday to spend just with him, really. It would have been a cute fairytale for sure, but his personality is just a huge no, thank you very much for me.

I’m not sure I’m even going to see him when I’m going to his city in 3 weeks, really. I have told myself that if he remembers the day I get there, I might go and grab a coffee with him. Otherwise I’ll just leave it be. I’m so glad my friend talked some sense into me and begged me to come home with here.
What I don’t understand about Dan is, how he always tells me how eager he is to see me again and how much he likes me… but really? If I would be so excited to see someone, I would have marked it in fat red letters in my calendar and not just be like “yeah, see you then” and forget about the date right away.

So you know, I’m pretty much done with Dan. A huge miracle would have to happen to change my mind.

To end this post on a positive note: After almost 2 years of not seeing each other, I went to a concert with Bayne last weekend and we had a blast. I really missed that guy.
Oh,and Mr. Cucu told me the other day that he’s had a girlfriend since early spring. Surprise, hah. But I’m actually truly happy for him and just wish for him to be happy 🙂

narcissist

I have told a couple of friends about the happenings with Dan and they both mentioned the word ‘narcissist’. I didn’t even think of it until they both mentioned it and I still think it might be a bit too hard of a word of his behaviour, but if we conclude everything he’s done, he really is one.

I really want to know what you guys think, so I’m just gonna type out some of our texts:

I sent him the following text after I tested what he did know about me:

I don’t care that you don’t know everything about me or remember everything I ever mentioned. But you never ask about anything. And if I am that important to you, I do expect you to know certain things about me.
I understand that you have an exciting time right now. But I feel like it’s all about you – all the time. I tested you yesterday when I told you that I went to the movies and you didn’t even ask what I was seeing or how I liked it. After I let you in (in a loooong text yesterday) on my current feelings, all I got from you was ‘yeah, now I know, I’m at the hotel now’. That leaves me feeling quite unimportant and scabby to be honest.

His response:

You are very important to me !!!!! I just can’t handle the time difference, which really sucks right now. Do you think I like to only talk to you 3 times a day? It’s bugging me!

(He didn’t even say anything about the not-asking-part. Like. Ever. Excuses?!)

Me: Well Dan, that’s not because of the time difference, because it was no different when you were still at home. You never asked about me or my life, you always made it about yourself. When I got my first infusion, you didn’t care or ask at all – and you were still at home, resting. I don’t care too much about words, but about how someone makes me feel. You do say beautiful things to me, but I don’t believe in your words anymore.
Him: I’m sorry… I just had a lot of stress. And you’re the one person that I texted the most, more than my brother. You always cheered me up.
(And we’re back to compliments, but not at all about what I had just told him. And also I just told him that he was the same at home, when he keeps saying he has a lot of stress, but he was at home for a whole week, not doing anything… he was off work,… so you know.)
Me (feeling very discouraged and annoyed by then): Whatever.
Him: I feel like rubbish, I think you’re awesome.
Once more, about his feelings and a compliment to make things better… This went on some time until I tried to explain once more:
Me: I don’t say I’m not important to you, but that I ask myself how much you are actually interested in me as a person… you always go back to romance or love, but not about actual me.
Him: Alright. You are important to me. You’re the only person that makes me smile.
(aaaand we’re back where we began. I gave up at this point.)

After that I was done. How many times can I repeat what I think, when he’s not taking any of it in?! So I just decided to do the same as him, maybe he’ll understand when he feels that way. Up till now he hasn’t said anything. That conversation above was on Sunday, I started behaving ‘like him’ on Tuesday and we totalled in 11 texts since then. So pretty much nonexistent.
Now tell me again it’s not all about him?!

I’m just glad I booked my holidays with a friend. Otherwise I would really be in a miserable situation. I’m not even sure if we’ll see each other in October, if this goes on like that. I just don’t have the energy to keep getting annoyed about such behaviour.

no match?!

The longer I ‘know’ Dan, the more I fear that we will not really match. There’s a few things that I have noticed lately and I need to get it off my chest.

One – and probably the most important for me – is, that he never asks about me. He talks about himself all the time. It’s always about him. And whilst I am not one to seek for attention all the time, I do like when a man shows interest in me or my life. I don’t think he has ever asked me a question about my life, all he does ask is what I am currently doing and then that’s it. I gave him a few opportunities to start up a dialogue, but he never does. Simple example: I texted him this morning that I went to the movies yesterday. He didn’t say anything about it, not asking what I was seeing, with whom I went, or if the movie was any good. Just nothing. As I said, I don’t need the attention all the time, but I need some interest. All he ever wants from me is, asking if I miss him or want to kiss him, but no daily questions. I was at the doctors and showed him a picture of me getting an infusion. Nothing. Just. Plain. Nothing.

He has been in Japan for a week now and will stay another one. Of course it’s hard with the time difference, but we do text when we are online. But once more, it’s all about his adventure, no questions about my well-being. I understand, he is abroad, it’s interesting. But really?
I have booked my holidays to his city for October 25th and I let him know. The first thing he asked was, whether I would be sleeping at his apartment although I had just told him I booked the hotel already (he never listens to what I say). I explained to him, that I arranged with my friend that I could spend a day with him without her, but that’d be all he’d get. I was actually glad my friend asked me to stay and leave with her. It would have been awkward to stay at his house, if it doesn’t match. I am curious how this will end up, spending the time with him now that I am not so keen on this whole situation anymore. But we’ll see. Don’t get me wrong, I would really like this to work out, I really do. It feels like a fairytale… but then life is no fairytale and my emotions tell me different. But right now I don’t think it will work out whatsoever, yet I want it to have a chance. Who knows? Maybe I’m thinking too much again, or just overreacting.

Since he has been in Japan, he has also been drunk a lot. You guys know how much I hate alcohol, so you’ll understand. I told him several times not to text me when he’s drunk but he keeps doing so. Yesterday – once more – I felt the need to tell him what was going on, because I was so annoyed by him… so I sent him the following text:

I wanted to let you know a few things: 1. you may or may not have noticed that I have a problem with alcohol. I don’t care when you go out partying, but please do not text me when you’re drunk. I don’t know why, but I hate drunk people. And you do not have to ask me anything when it comes to alcohol. I already told you several times that I do not drink and I mean it, it’s a fact. I don’t care what everyone does around me, I just don’t drink and don’t plan to.
2. I would really like if you listened to what I say. I have told you certain things several times, but you don’t seem to take any interest in it. It feels like you don’t care or just don’t read what I write. You just asked me 5 minutes ago what I was doing and now asked again, as if I did another thing now. So I really don’t like writing anymore and that’s why I stopped texting you so much.
3. I’m no romantic. I do find it cute every now and then, but not all the time. Of course I’m happy to know that you miss me, but you don’t have to tell me 5 times a day. Same as with the ‘I love you’ it just loses its effect on me when told several times a day. But then, that’s just me.

You know, I feel like this was pretty straight forward, right? I expected him to say something about it. All I got back from him was “ok, now I know. And yes I did notice that you texted less and backed away. I’m in the hotel now.” Really? That’s all I’m gonna get? I just texted you a billion words and you let me know that you noticed and where you currently are? That’s what I mean with not caring about me. He doesn’t. It’s all about him, and I really dislike this. He went on to tell me that he messed up again (oh, you’re not gonna get pity, boy) and then went straight back to flirting afterwards. As if nothing ever happened. Why do I even bother telling him? I don’t know. Maybe because I learnt to talk about my emotions.

This reminds me a lot of a mix between Ken and Stan. Not listening and then when I get angry being all sappy. I really don’t know what to do about this behaviour. I have started to back away, not react to certain things, but he doesn’t seem to care. As long as he can talk about himself. I’m not sure if things will change once he’s back home. I don’t expect it to, other than being bombarded with texts more again. But it’s just weird. I also get pictures of him every day, and whilst it’s nice to see him, I don’t need that every day. I get that you’re proud of what you look like, but do I really want a guy like that? I don’t think so.

I don’t know what to feel, or do, or think about any of this.

 

turn in events

An update is long needed, but I just didn’t want to type it out. It makes everything so… real. But, oh well…

As I mentioned in my last post, everything was very cute with Dan. We talked for a while and he hugged me goodbye, which was an incredible feeling and I felt all fluttery and in love. I did – however – also know, that this feeling would soon vanish, because I just knew that I was reading too much into that encounter. But I didn’t want to. I got teased at work because of this and everybody was so happy for me. I couldn’t let everyone down, could I? Plus I haven’t experienced this “want” in a long, long time. It did feel good.

It didn’t take long for Dan to go absolutely crazy. You guys know how I feel about certain things, right? Well he told me like 2 days after that he loved me. I wasn’t sure what that was about, so I just ignored it. Seriously dude? We’re 25, not 14. You do not love someone after seeing him for 30 minutes and talking for a while on the phone. You just don’t. Maybe you have a crush, yes, but nothing more. So that was the next huge setback for me. He continued to talk that way, which made me back away more and more. But then I felt bad, why not just tell him? Maybe he wasn’t doing it on purpose. So I sent him this:

I have become very careful. I do have a crush on someone very quickly, but I also deceive myself a lot. I do think it would be awesome with you, but I don’t want to deceive myself and talk myself into feelings just because of our text messages. I can only tell you if there are emotions once we see each other again and I don’t feel very good with you telling me ‘I love you’.

Then for a while it got better. But it didn’t last very long and he has gotten back to those habits (he reminds me a lot of Ken in his behaviour). He also already talked about searching a job here in my country and stuff like that. It just freaks me out. He gets jealous when I dream of another guy (which I cannot control either way) and it’s just… too much for me. I really just want to dump him, but feel really bad. And thinking about our first encounter does make me feel all bubbly inside. But my head knows that I’m just talking myself into this, because personality wise he is totally not my type. I’m probably just lonely. And enjoy being wanted.

I really don’t know what to do about visiting his city in October. I would totally love to see him again and see if that sparkle is still there, but I also know he has such high expectations about us cuddling and kissing and what else… He keeps telling me that he’ll take some days off and that I can live at his house. And I tried to explain to him yesterday that I’m going there with a friend and I didn’t chose that trip, because of him and won’t dump her because of him. I don’t think he understands, although he says so.

So what do I do? I did tell him several times to back away. When I say something he doesn’t like, he just simply changes the subject (for example: yesterday I told him not to text my whilst driving and he didn’t even say anything, he just said “woah there’s really good music on the radio”). It’s nice to know there’s someone crushing on you, yes… but it’s getting on my nerves by now… which sucks. I don’t want to feel that way, but I seriously do.

got my first date with Dan already!

I’m really exhausted (you’ll read why further on), but I wanted to type this out as long as it’s still fresh on my mind.

I wrote about Dan in my last post. He kept being very cute and asked if he should stay some longer, but he also got us all mad because he wanted to leave with his friends (he lives abroad – surprise), so I didn’t really understand why he wanted to stay. After about 2 hours of texting back and forth he asked if I could show up a little early to my shift today to talk to him some more. And so I did.
Let me tell you. When there is one thing I love in this life, it’s sleep. And I did not only stay awake till almost midnight, but actually got up earlier just to talk to him. I knew I might get into trouble for being so close with a patient, but I was like “what the heck, it’s gonna be my last chance to talk to him. Plus it’s my free time, so I can do whatever the heck I want to”. On my way to work I only started realising that maybe he’s not really that serious about this. What if he’s still asleep? But I got there and shortly before I arrived he texted me saying that he was looking forward to seeing me again.

So I get there 30 minutes early and we talked. He was cute. He also asked the evening before whether he could hug me goodbye and I was like “yeah sure!”. So when I showed up in my unit, he came up to me and looked at me. But I was there with a colleague so he didn’t hug me. We talked for the whole 30 minutes until I had to go and work. He was very cute (although I had trouble understanding him at some points).

As fate keeps bugging my life, his friends ended up being late and we got some more time together. Not a lot, as I had to work, but we chit-chatted quite a bit for another hour. When we were leaving for our morning break (and every single one of my colleagues told me to come and sit, because I was still chatting with him) I went up to him and said goodbye. He kissed me on my cheek and hugged me real tight, saying “see you soon! I’ll text you”.
I don’t have my phone on my whilst working, so only saw later that he literally texted me like 2 minutes after that, saying that he didn’t want to leave and really missed me already.

He asked me later on what I would have done if he had kissed me and I said I didn’t know. We figured out that we might see each other in October, as I’m leaving for his city with my friend for holidays (we decided on that before I met him, so… fate?). Sure, maybe we won’t even talk until then anymore, but he’s head over heels, texting me all day long, telling me how much he’s missing me and just being cute.
There has been one thing though, which really turned this road into a huuuuge bump. He asked me if he could send me a dick picture. At least he asked and didn’t just do it PLUS he was subtle about it, but maybe you know: I’m so not into these kind of things. It’s okay when others do that, but it’s such a turnoff for me. So I politely told him that I didn’t like that idea and it was okay.

What the future brings? Who the heck knows. I’ll just keep moving along

(and I’m not going into details how I met yet another guy today at my friends party, she wanted to set me up with a while ago. What the heck brain?!)