Greek

Greek. I have met him online on a dating site and we started chatting straight away. Long messages and e-mails have been exchanged and he asked me about 2 days in if we could meet up. I said no. He has listened to all my horror stories of my ex, so he was understanding. Fast forward to a drunken evening on my side and I asked him to meet me. We did have a date shortly after, but I wasn’t impressed with his looks and the conversation has subsided ever since. (March 2016)

oh men.

You  know what is a pleasant surprise? Well, not pleasant, but it was a surprise to me. Greek texted me the other day. The conversation was quite strange to say the least, as he straight away asked me if I had been dating other men and simply stated that he has been dating. Not that I was interested, but it seems there are guys out there that need to make girls feel really low. I was okay with him moving on, more so than I thought, however he quickly got back to asking for a second date. I denied and told him that I was not interested in dating whatsoever. He took it pretty well though.

I also bumped into Stan the other day. Well not exactly bumped into him, but we “crossed paths” with our cars. I don’t think he saw me and I was pleasantly surprised that I only got that feeling in my stomach when I get really angry, nothing more. Yes, he’s been on my mind again loads ever since. Little things that he’s done that really upset me, cross my mind. That’s all.

Kenny is actually quite fun to chat with, when no emotions are involved on my side. He’s getting quite clingy, which is funny now that it’s my part to make the rules of the love-game (and be the game maker). He asked me if I was being okay:

I’m always worried that you misunderstand me. And then think I’m even more stupid.

I nearly told him that he’s done the damage before already, when he stopped talking to me all of a sudden and was playing games. But I wasn’t in the mood to go down that road. What I said instead was, that there’s a huge chance that I indeed misunderstand him and that there’s nobody who can do the right thing right now. He kept saying things about how he’s worried about me, but I didn’t let him talk me into anything.
It’s great to just not bother whether or not he replies. Or not bother replying myself. I don’t care, really don’t.

quick update on boysfront

So it has been a while. Here’s a quick update:

I have completely given up on Kenny. Yes, I am still sad. Not exactly about the loss of a serial cheater, but just the friendship over all. There has been some kind of spark. I’m not sure what happened when he started ignoring me. Maybe his girlfriend found out, maybe he was just sick of me. Who knows? I haven’t heard a word from him for 2 weeks. Have since deleted his number and unfriended him on facebook, after sending him a lovely message about how I was so disappointed that he never has been honest and that I wish him just the best for the future. No reply. And it’s okay. I’m not okay about it yet, but it is okay.

Greek is a whole other story. Somehow we ended up ignoring each other over the weekend. I’m not sure what happened – or if anything happened at all and it’s just in my head. But I was okay, as I needed some time away from boys. We have gone back to casual talk every now and then, but not like it was before. I’m not sure what he wants, but I’m okay with the distance that has grown between us.

So there’s no boys whatsoever on my front. Is it boring? Yes. Do I want any freakin change? No. Do I miss having someone to cuddle? Hell, yes. I really miss having someone like Momo. Having a good friend I just can be me. Once that takes me as I am and is there to be talked to about my daily boring life. But I have given up on finding one. At least for now. And no, I am not okay with it, but I’ll get there somewhen.

the aftermath of the date.

I’m not sure what happened here. Conversation was still flowing after our date yesterday as usual. And I didn’t know if I should keep it down or tell him how I feel about him or just see how it was going. I went with the latter.

I fell asleep pretty early yesterday, replied to his message this morning… but today the conversation was really low. Maybe I was worrying too much, and he doesn’t want to go any further either? Maybe he isn’t even interested in me at all, and I just misinterpreted all the wrong signs? I’m not sure, but the emails have decreased immensely, and so have our WhatsApp conversations.

Am I sad? I don’t really know actually. I don’t know what to think about any of this. I have been worrying ever since how to tell him that I am not interested in a relationship, but maybe… this whole thing is solving itself. I do like him. I really do. And I still feel as bad about not clicking with him, because I so much want to.. but I realised that this is not it. I need to click with someone, I need to feel attracted and I am pretty sure that I probably never will get attracted to him for several reasons.

He did say at some point today that he was gonna answer my email and that “I hope you don’t think it’s because I didn’t like our date yesterday. I just spontaneously met a friend yesterday. But still wanted to talk to you via WhatsApp”. I just said that I wasn’t worried at all.

I really don’t know. But I really do want to start dating someone, I want these butterflies back. I really miss them, but I also know that there’s nothing to be forced on this matter. I just wish, I could.

date with Greek.

So you know. I had the date with Greek today.

As you might already guess, I’m not as excited as I wish to be. It wasn’t bad or anything, not at all. It’s just that my “worries” have more or less settled now. I did want to give this whole thing a chance, not to break it off before even trying.. but it’s not gonna happen.

We did have good conversation for 3 straight hours. There were like 3 times or so when we didn’t talk all the time, but it wasn’t awkward silences. It was like talking to a new-old friend. A new friend, who doesn’t know a lot about you, yet you feel very close to him. We talked about school and life, but also about deep stuff. I didn’t feel weird at all.

But.

He’s not boyfriend material. Not for me at least. I knew it from the moment I saw him on the stairs. He’s cute. I love his eyes. But he doesn’t have that catching smile I need. He doesn’t have nice teeth at all (but then I did guess he wouldn’t because there were no pictures of him really smiling with teeth showing.. and I knew he’s been smoking all his life). I couldn’t look at him for a long time, like I usually can. And it just.. it didn’t click. We were talking about the smoking and smoking pot part, and I realised that he wouldn’t stop. He doesn’t want to and I don’t think I can deal with this behaviour once more. We weren’t even sitting that close together, yet I could smell the smoky-breath. I didn’t have the urge to touch him, and it actually was weird when I accidentally did.
If it just came down to character and our perspectives of relationships, it probably would work out. But there’s appearance and I need to at least feel connected and attracted to my boyfriend. And I seriously don’t and I feel so bad about it. I feel shallow. Because I know that he’s still interested. He has texted me saying that I can tell my friend to continue setting us up.

I’m not sure what to do. Go on and hope that maybe I can overlook these things and still fall in love? Who says I need to have a crush on him on our first date? Or do I tell him already? I really do not know and I feel so so bad about all of this. I wish I could make these emotions appear.

meet the new one.

So. Greek.

This is actually kind of a blur, but I’m trying to remember most of the things we’ve done and said:
I met Greek on Badoo about a week back. Yes, I didn’t think I would ever meet a normal guy on there anymore and I wasn’t even interested in building up a friendship on there. It was pretty much down to me answering messages when I was extremely bored.
Greek sent me a message – not unlike others I got, yet we got into a conversation straight away:
“Hey! Well here is a very sympathetic lady! Not trying to impress anyone with makeup, just honest and authentic – or that’s what I think anyway and I really like that! And your cat seems to belong to the same breed as mine… I hope you’re having an awesome weekend and would really like to read back from you. Cheers, Greek.” (12th March)

We started chatting away about books, cats, movies and whatever. It didn’t take us long, before our text messages grew and we switched to email, as there was a character-limit on Badoo. I loved that he was into books and movies as well, he’s not very outgoing either and he lives close to my home town. I word-vomitted about Stan and he listened. He was understanding. I felt understood.
As I said in a previous post, there are some things about him that I am not very fond of. One of which is that he’s smoking. And not just cigarettes but pot as well. I’m not sure how well I’ll be dealing with it, but we’ll see.

He asked me a day after we started chatting, if we could meet up. I was a bit… overwhelmed with this, as I was still hanging onto Kenny and am afraid that things will turn out like with Stan. So I explained to him that I needed some more time. He was very understanding, but also stating why he wanted to see me. Of course I was flattered, but yet.. no. I wanted to stay my ground.
Fast forward to Friday night. I told him that I was getting drunk that night and that he better not text me back, yet gave him my number. Logic. Where are you? Anyway, so I gave my phone to a good friend of mine and he suggested to pick me up after work and drive me home, as I was mindlessly drunk. I knew I didn’t want him to see me in that state, so I told him I would get home by myself but that I’d really like to see him on Tuesday. So here we are, me asking him drunk if we could start dating. Great. Just great.

I’m not even regretting whatever I said to him. We do get along pretty good and clicked straight away. Am I afraid? Yes. I am actually terrified that I won’t like him in real life. Or that there’s something I don’t like about his appearance. I really don’t know where this is coming from, but we’ll see. But on a positive note, I didn’t even drunk-think about Kenny one time. Still no message from him by the way. But I couldn’t give less f*cks about it anymore.

Forgetting about Kenny.

I think I have finally reached that point to let go of Kenny. I am starting to be really mad at him and I have told myself – and a few friends – if he will ever text me again (he still hasn’t, so it’s 2 full days now on work days, which probably is the longest yet. Why, I do not know.), I will tell him to fuck off, because I am worth a lot more than he is treating me like. And I really believe it this time. I am worth than wasting time on such a man. Yes, I am sad and disappointed about losing such a long friend, but I’m done being the loser of this game.

And yes, Greek has definitely made a huge difference in this story. I will post a whole update and/or introduction of him later on this week. Let’s just say we get along pretty well and I have been rethinking if maybe I might meet up with him anyway. And that’s why he’s gotten a name on here now. Thank you for letting me NOT think of Kenny.

giving up…

You know what really is messing with my mind? I have just now gotten the message of boyfriend number two who’s going to be a father soon. That’s 2 boyfriends in half a year to become fathers.
I’m gonna be honest, its not the fact that THEY get the children not with ME,… no, I’m just jealous that they have found their perfect little family and I let them go – back then…, they found the other half if you will so, and I’m still here at the same damn place, no “perfect” – or rather – suiting man in sight. And yes I am slowly but surely losing hope to ever find a suiting man to have a family with. No, I actually already lost the faith in that power above to ever cross paths with that one guy.

I did meet a guy in the last couple of days, who is very loving and seems interesting and has a good heart and we have been talking a lot, exchangig emails and stuff, but there are some major setbacks to that perfectioness: he’s smoking (pot), and he doesn’t really want children. Two things I have huge problems with. If we’ll keep it up some time, I’ll give him a name.

Then Kenny. The ever replaying scene from that horrible movie of my life. I just need to put that sentence into my head he’s been telling me ever since our first big fight. I am just a distraction for him. He’s said it again yesterday. I told him that I don’t like sharing. His reply? “I don’t like sharing either. But I like trying out.” I just said that I’m no sample to try out. He didn’t reply anymore, and I am surely starting to realise that he’s not at all that man I was telling myself he was. I am just a distraction, nothing more. Maybe he likes me, maybe he really does, but there’s nothing more to it than for him to find out if I’m good in bed, but there’s not gonna be more to it. Ever. Platonic love, if there’s even that much to it. And I need to let go of that hope. I need to believe what people have been telling me all along. I even told myself a few posts back, so why can I not simply wrap my head around the truth?! It’s even starting to annoy myself that I keep that hope up. I need to let go of the hope that he’s that childhood-fairytale-boyfriend, he’ll never be.

So maybe I am just not meant to be a girlfriend/wife/mother. Whatever.
I’m giving up.