the talk

optimism.

After last post, I figured I had to let you know that I am still very much alive. I cried myself to sleep that night, but it did me well. (Although I still haven’t heard from him ever since)

I don’t know where the tears came from, but it was freeing. You know how people tell you that crying is freeing? It really is. I haven’t cried in so long, that I was wondering what was wrong with me. I’m not a huge crier at all, don’t get me wrong. But the sadness I had felt over the last couple of weeks was bound to make me cry, but I never did cry. I felt the tears in my mind, but not in my eyes. Since that night I’ve been waking up with tear stains down my face in the morning, not remembering that I cried… so there’s that.

However. Ever since that crying disaster, I have been feeling a lot better. I am not sure for what reason. Probably for the lack of time thinking about him. Maybe because I have continued that letter I am sending to him (and yes I decided to send it. One last try to make this work). Some part probably is, because writing that letter made me have some (last) hope. I had been daydreaming about him finally understanding what this was all about. And getting a last conversation to make it all clear to him and working through this. Together. Another part probably is, having finally understood, that there is nothing to be sad about. If he doesn’t want to be with me and fight through this, he is not worth my sadness over him. I’m pretty sure it’s gonna be too much work for him to fight for me (for the little outcome he gets). Yet there still is that tiny sparkle of hope left. But we’ll see, I guess. I’ve had the longest time to accept this, maybe I finally did.

Either way, things will move forward – one way or the other. And I need to accept this and be happy. Either with or without him.

I’m sure once this is all gone for good. Like, once he’s back home (which by the way is in a week) and does not reply to my letters or doesn’t want to work through this, the sadness will return. But then the healing can start, because there’s nothing left to do. I’ve done all I possibly can.
My friend told me yesterday that I’ve done way too much to save this relationship. And I know that I have. But I do not want to have to ask myself in the future, why I hadn’t tried everything to save this relationship. Maybe once he’s back, I don’t even want this anymore. Who really knows? My emotions have been all over the place for the last 5 weeks. What else is bound to happen to me? Seriously though. Alan has showed me love again, when I had lost all hope of ever getting that feeling again. We’ve had a wonderful 2 months and I will forever treasure those moments in me. So there’s nothing lost. I’d had a good time with him. If it’s not meant to be, so be it. I have found my purpose in life over the last 5 weeks, which is accepting that I cannot rely my life on finding a man and create a family. I have found that purpose in my work. Helping others. That’s all I can do for now. Everything else I will figure out whilst on the way.

surprising Kenny. Again.

I have been feeling very apathetic all day long since that text message of Kenny. I didn’t feel like my normal self anymore. I wasn’t particularly sad, but something in me changed. I think I gave up on my hope to ever find someone who would treat me the way I deserve – and I know that is partly my own fault. Anyway, back to the beginning of the story.

After what Kenny told me yesterday, I was beyond mad. How could he be so heartless – because I knew he must have noticed that I was having a crush on him – and just plain out tell me that he just wanted me for sex?! I was devastated. I can’t tell when I last was so mad at someone.
But how did the story continue, you might ask…

Me: You said that you didn’t have expectations, I never did.
Him: So what expectations do you have then?
Me: Kenny, just leave it be. I told you everything was okay and I know that it’s my own fault. I’ll do okay.

He didn’t reply anymore. This happened around 10pm yesterday and I was beyond mad when I didn’t get a message till today. I was angry and disappointed. Just one more proof that I am not in the slightest important to him.
I’m not usually one to let my feelings out on someone like that, but I needed to get it out, so at 9am I sent him the following text:
“See that’s exactly what I cannot understand. How is someone ‘important’ to you, when you can’t even reply? I didn’t blame you or anything alike, but yet you just make me realise that you do not like me at all, you just couldn’t tell me that you wanted to use me just – and I mean JUST – for sex. I am disappointed and sad that you just said these things to get into my pants, I’m not sad because I knew I was talking myself into this. But I thought after 15 years we could be honest with each other and not lie. Whatever, I’m gonna get used to it again. Have a nice day :-* ”

Now. I know this was a huge blast, and as I said it’s so not me. Fun thing? It didn’t even take him 5 minutes to reply (so much to he was busy):
Heeey take it easy… I fell asleep yesterday and was busy at work today.. I definitely didn’t just want to have sex with you and still don’t. If I would have wanted that, I would have long gotten it! I don’t want to take advantage of you either, because you don’t deserve that! I just want to stay in contact with you and if there’s a chance, I would really like to see you again, but without any intentions… :-*

Like. What the fuck did I just read? I do not understand how this matches to what he said to me yesterday (“We clarified that it was just fun in the beginning!“)? This tells a completely different story. Or is it just me? I really don’t understand anymore.

And I’m gonna be completely honest. At first my heart got all excited again and I wanted to let him right back in. But then I realised that this is just what it is. He wants to be friends. Maybe he wants to be friends with benefits some day. Maybe he doesn’t even know himself what he wants. Who knows?
I do not have a clue what he actually wants, if he’s playing a game, if he’s unsure or whatever is going on in that wicked head of his… but there is never going to come a relationship out of this, and I need to realise this. It’s okay. Although it has put me right back into depression, which really sucks, but I can get through. Maybe we can go back to normal after the weekend, who  knows really? I’m not gonna put much effort into that friendship though, because if he wants me in his life, he needs to prove.

 

the talk happened.

Today feels like eternity.

I woke up early again today due to Kenny’s early work shift. I don’t mind, I like chatting with him. Somehow he got angry with me in the morning when I asked if I should switch off my head/heart or whatever. He asked if I was trying to make him mad. I left it at that, went on a walk and then decided to just ask. What was there to lose? “You  know what I’d like to know or what would help me? What do you expect or want from this situation with us?” I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to hear the answer. But I knew I needed it. I needed to hear it.

I don’t have any expectations… I don’t really hope for anything either… I’m just enjoying and we’ll see where things’ll go. What about you?

I tried to explain without actually saying that I am having problems with not expecting anything (I said “I try more or less not to hope for anything”). He didn’t get the clue and said:

As long as we both don’t have any expectations it’s great 😉

You might understand that I was not too satisfied with this answer. I mean the first part was okay, I was actually more than okay with that answer, because “we’ll see where things are head” is not negative at all, now is it? But the second one just pointed towards just sex. I was having trouble talking to him afterwards. I really did. I got very distant. After a while he asked whether I was angry and I just replied “No, I’m not angry or anything. I got the answer I wanted and am going to act the way you expect me to. Everything’s great :-)” His reply was awful: “:-D 😀 😀 great!”… ummm. okay.

The anger always helps me get over someone. Always has. But somehow it still felt wrong, I don’t know why. I didn’t want to give up or lose him quite yet. Maybe I’m just a masochist. I texted him about an hour ago if everything was okay, because he wouldn’t answer my texts anymore and he said that everything was fine. He asked if I was okay as well to which I said “Hmm.. I don’t really know actually.” He asked what was bothering me but I brushed it off. He didn’t reply anymore. And I don’t expect to have a text message tomorrow morning either.

You see, the thing is. I don’t know why, but I don’t believe that he’s just looking for sex. I’m trying to convince myself that he is, but I feel like there’s more to it. My gut is telling me that he is hiding something. And although everything points towards just having fun, I feel like there are emotions involved, not just with me. He wouldn’t have stopped talking to me after what I said about acting how he wants me to, would he? Either he just needs the reassurance or the confidence-boost I gave him with my emotionally bubbling, or he really is interested. Or maybe I’m just hoping for that fairytale in my life of a guy I’ve known half my life, that told me 13 years ago, he would love to end up with me one day and just don’t want to see the truth.
I have no idea, I guess I have to keep on going and find out.

I fucking hate this game.