when something bad turns into something good

Longest title ever! But it’s so accurate.

As I’ve briefly mentioned in my last post, my last weekend has been rough. I’ve witnessed my first resuscitation at work, we had crazy ass shifts and on Sunday whilst I was driving to work I saw a car crash and did first aid.
It was my first thing ever that happened and I was glad for what I’ve learnt in the last 3 years in my studies. I was able to somewhat help.

But I’m not going into detail what happened (just imagine a motorcycle driving into a car). There were 3 guys involved and injured in that crash. I didn’t see the actual accident but got out of the car pretty fast when I saw the car. I asked the guys that were sitting on the floor which one the motorcyclist was, because I knew he would be the one in the worst condition. When I saw that 2 people were there already (one of them a doctor), I went back to park my car. Then I went back again to the ones sitting on the floor. I asked Jeremy if he was hurt and he told me that his chest hurt and his left shoulder. I quickly ran through some diagnosis in my head and made the .decision that it was okay to leave him be for the moment (his friend was there to watch) and helped the motorcyclist. Once he was gone with a helicopter I returned to him. The ambulance was there by then and I simply worked what they asked me for.
Fast forward to me being at work, and I received the message that one of the ones of the car were being transferred to the ICU where I work. It was Jeremy (he wasn’t the driver). We had a blast that evening, although his condition was worse than I first thought. But nothing life threatening. When I wanted to say goodbye before I left he was already asleep and I didn’t want to wake him up (well the night shift then woke him up and I quickly waved goodbye). The next day when I returned he was already transferred to a normal unit and I felt weird to go visit and I didn’t have lots of time anyway.

I did have quick glimpses in his medical record to see whether he was still here, but I never found time to actually visit him. So on Wednesday night I searched him on facebook (I knew all the facts from his stay on our unit) and messaged him, asking how he was. He then replied the next morning that he had actually wanted to search for me as well and said thanks.
Long story short: we’ve been messaging back and forth ever since. He asked me out for a coffee that same day and I figured why not. Well, actually the first two times he asked, I talked it down but then I said yes. He’s 14 years older, but he looks as old as I am. And it didn’t feel like such a huge age gap when we talked. So I will see him this Monday and I am very eager to see where this is leading.


Yes I am feeling guilty. I am afraid of what will happen. J is very flirty with me, and I’m not gonna lie: I like it a lot. His attention and how many times he lets me know that he’s looking forward to it and just his interest over all. It’s refreshing compared to how things have been with P. But I am also worried that if things go well, and P decides he wants to see me on Thursday, that I’ll mess things up. Or rather, I’ll have feelings for both of them. But I have no idea whether Jeremy and I will match. We’ve been getting along, but I’ve only known him for a week – compared to P who I’ve known for a year by now…
But I’ll have to take things from day to day. I hope my feelings will lead me to the right decision. But right now I am very anxious about this coming week, but also very happy to see Jeremy. And if P decides not to text me this coming week, well… he’s left the decision to J I guess.

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update on the dating situation with P

Oh wow, I really have lacked on updating this blog. I actually wanted to make this about something else, but I need to keep you up to date for all of it to make sense.

So, like I mentioned in that last post, I had called off that date with P after my holidays. He never replied to my long message of me explaining why I was calling it off. I just stated that his behaviour was hurting me and what I expected of him.
2 days later I texted him again (nothing from him), telling him that I miss him and that I would like to explain my behaviour some day if he still wanted to see me. To this he simply sent me a picture of where he was at that time (work related). With no word have we ever talked about what has happened ever since. At some point I didn’t even need it anymore though.
I then asked that week of my return whether we could see each other and he said that he was busy till the end of his holidays (which was the weekend 2 weeks ago).

Then I remembered that I was invited to a dinner with some sort of famous chef and had to tell them a name of someone that will join me. I asked P whether he would like to do so (it’s in August) and he asked me a billion times why I would want to take him. I explained why and he agreed (after saying “are you sure? Who knows if you’ll still know me by then?”).  When he finally said yes, I then jokingly said we will talk again in August then, to which he said “we’ll see each other before then I guess…?!”

But… radio silence followed. 2 weeks ago he received my card. He said thanks and that he didn’t expect it at all. I asked him why and he said “I don’t know,.. because you hate me?”. Which just indicated that he indeed was insecure as well. I’ve told him like 3 times since then that I would like to see him.. like little hints here and there, but he never actually asked.
A week ago I then stated that we will see each other in the next 2 weeks, or I’ll go and get my hair cut (he doesn’t want me to cut my hair, so there’s that). He just asked whether I was drunk (it was Friday night), which is a silly question because he knows I don’t drink whatsoever and I was actually just getting in my car to drive home from work. He then sent me his location, which was pretty close to my work place… but I’m not the kind of person to just go over without being invited, so I went home instead. He didn’t ask me.

I had a pretty rough weekend at work last week and really needed some time off. So last Monday I asked him AGAIN whether he was free this or next weekend to reschedule our plan we’ve had after my holidays. He explained that he indeed was busy both weekend, but he would like to do so another time. He then asked me how I was and whether I was always working. I told him that I was working almost every weekend in May and therefore it would be pretty difficult to find a time (he works a Monday to Friday job). Didn’t get a reply to that and when I reread his message in the evening, I realised that maybe his indication about “always working” was whether I was free during the week as well. So I told him that I had read it into his message and that I indeed was free during the week. To which he then offered Monday or Thursday (this coming week).

This was the last plan on Wednesday. He told me Thursday would work better and we talked about our plans that week. We didn’t settle on either one. So I texted him Thursday evening whether we could set the date. Have not yet received a message ever since (it’s been 3 days by now).

I’m really over this… Just typing this post out made me realise how pathetic I am. Always asking and running after him, when he’s not even putting some effort into this. And I will not ask again. If he tells me till Monday, that’s fine. I’ll meet up with him. If not, it’s his loss. I’m not going to turn my life around just to make time for him when it’s convenient.

Oh well. My life turned upside down last weekend anyway. But this will be in my next post, and will change everything I’ve just written.

same old – replay.

I’m back from holidays and I would like to say that things have been great. But no.
I was feeling so good whilst being abroad, since we had set a date for right after I would return from the holidays. It gave me some kind of security that things wouldn’t go like they did in October when I left and the radio silence began.

Well. I felt secure too quickly. I texted him right when I landed on Saturday night, asking when the date was gonna take place, since we didn’t set a final day. I needed to know since I had to buy groceries, but also so I could make other plans the other day.
Well… same old: he didn’t reply. At first I thought he was just being busy, but then when I got his likes on facebook Sunday morning but still no reply to my text… I knew he was ignoring my message. I didn’t understand why, since there was no pressure. I simply asked what day he was free.
Late Sunday afternoon (so almost a day later) he texted me saying that his family would go over on Monday so he wasn’t free as planned and asked what other day we could meet up. This confused me, since I thought we’d always had set it for Tuesday, but he had to check whether Monday would work as well. I got really mad about all of this behaviour (him not texting me, not going through with his plans since he told me he’d let me know as soon as possible about whether Monday would work) and did let him know by text, that I was pissed off about his late answer and that it makes me feel like I’m not important to him. I then told him to let me know when he was free and we’ll then set a new date.

I got a reply making a silly comment (“mimimi”) and asking whether I was off on Tuesday. I told him yes, but that I had a nightshift I had to attend to by 10pm. He then said “well I’m free till the afternoon”. This once more upset me, because 3 weeks prior (!!!) we had set that date and now he’s made other plans?! He knew I could not meet him any other day of his holidays, so that just showed me once more that he didn’t really care too much to see me. I then told him that we could cancel, if it was inconvenient.

Guess what? Yeah, once more no reply. Which left me with a lot of time to think about all this and I just now sent him a lengthy message and calling the date off.
I’m just done being a spare thing to attend to when it’s convenient for him. I told him that his behaviour seems disrespectful to me and no matter how much I like him and how much I did want to see him tomorrow, that I wasn’t going to let myself be treated like that. I told him that I had held both days free for him, just to being told that he already has other plans although we had talked about it a long while ago. And that makes me feel like this doesn’t mean anything to him. Or that he probably has forgotten about it, which also adds “no importance” to it. Or that I’m overreacting again and am complicated, but that all of this is making me feel like a spare. And since I am flexible and just waiting to see him, you can do that with me. I told him that I always enjoy spending time with him and he’s giving me a good vibe whenever we do meet, but that I can’t ignore everything else until we meet. Like, I do want to feel good and important even when we don’t have a date set. Like him making some time for me without having to squeeze me into his time table every time.

I honestly don’t expect an answer. Or not one that is helpful at all. He probably is super annoyed at me playing up again. It’s the same thing that happened back in September when all of a sudden he wasn’t trying anymore. And I’m not going to play that game again. It’s like with Alan. He didn’t set me a priority and when I asked for it, things gone to shit. I’m not about to go back to that bullshit again. If he’s not willing to give me some priority, we’re done. No matter how good he makes me feel when we do see each other. There so much more to it than just that and he knows that. Plus I told him so now.

I would like to say that I’m not scared of losing him. I’m actually pretty sure this is it – the final breaking point. But I also know that it wouldn’t have worked out like that anyway, so I’m trying to stay positive. I know I’m talking a lot about fate when it comes to P, because it feels that way. Finding back to each other… but maybe it’s just not meant to be either. I just wish he would give me more credits for what I’ve done.

I also just remembered that I sent him a postcard from my holidays, which haven’t yet arrived. So that’s gonna be awkward (told him I was looking forward to seeing him). Oh well, can’t change that now, can I?

going away, what now?!

Things have been slow with P the last few days. But then I have been super busy and so has he – or that’s my guess at least. I told him about my interview at the new place, which means I’d move there next year. He just said congrats when I got the job, not sure how he feels about it – knowing I will move even further away. But we’ll talk about that when we get there.

I’m still pondering about what I should have said about his joke about his father. I really need to talk to him about this at some point, but right now I am too afraid to ruin anything of what he have right now. I don’t want him to be gone, now that I have him back in my life.

We’re talking almost daily. There’s sometimes one day we don’t talk, which is totally fine for me. I have kept myself busy and therefore don’t have too much time to think about anything. Which will be hard on holidays, but whatever.

We have set another date for after my holidays though, which kind of surprised me. But then it was me moving forward – again. I asked him if he would join me to a spa sometime and he asked me when I wanted to go. I knew he was off work the week I’m back from holidays (and will have to work night shifts).. so we set the date for April 3rd. I’m excited and it gives me lots of relief about going abroad. I was so scared to lose him again, but now that I know we’ll see each other shortly after me being back, gives me some peace. So what happened in October won’t repeat itself.

I guess I won’t see him before I leave though, which is a bummer… but fine as well. I tried to get the information out when he was free this weekend (although I have packed my weekend, so I wouldn’t have too much time to think about him), but he never replied to my questions. So that’s fine. I’ll actually try to make the date in April a sleepover, but not sure how to ask. I know he’ll be in, but it’s still weird to ask. I don’t want to be the one to push forward, you know.

So things are looking bright and I am very worried that this bubble of mine will burst soon, since everything is going well in my life right now. Trying to find the balance of being happy but also cautious as not to deep dive into depression, if anything happens.

overthinking

I’d really wanted to see P last night, but didn’t want to ask again. I knew he was free, since when we talked about our second date, he said he could do Friday OR Saturday night. But then again, I didn’t want to be needy… but I did miss him quite much. But then that’s nothing new, right?

I knew he was busy until about 6pm with his baking course he was doing and sure enough, shortly after he had texted me his final product (which was so cute!). We talked a bit and then out of the blue he asked “do you miss me already?”
This really caught me off guard, because I was just musing about how much I was missing him and how to deal with this. I hate this feeling, and I know it’s the worst for the first two days and then I get used to not seeing him. But knowing I won’t get to see him for 3 weeks, was making it even harder.
Me: Why are you asking?
Him: I can feel it… 🙂
I really don’t know what made him say this. I did not act like I missed him at all. And I did think about maybe he was turning his feelings towards me (like him missing me, so searching for reassurance?!)… Long story short, I then said “if I’d interpret, I’d say just ask if I’m coming over… but since we don’t interpret 😉 “, hoping he would ask me over (it was 10pm by then, but I didn’t care). But rather than taking the opportunity he said: “well, you’d rather go home than stay here it seems, so…”. I tried to explain, saying if I wouldn’t want to spend time with him, I wouldn’t have asked to see him again and that it was inconvenient the other day, because of his schedule and car situation. He simply stated “yeees, another time…” and the conversation was done.

I guess he’s referring to our first date a week ago, when I drove home in the middle of the night instead of staying with him. I know it was the right decision at the time, because it simply didn’t feel right and my emotions hadn’t been back. But I feel bad now, and I know I need to tell him why I did so. But I also don’t want to do it over the phone… so I really need to pick that subject up the next time we see each other. I know he’s an overthinker and that’s why he brings it up all the time (he also did so on our date). He probably thinks I hate him, and that’s the main reason I had asked him for a second date so soon (2 days after we saw each other), which I otherwise wouldn’t have done… I know I also could ask him again to see him today,  but I won’t. I don’t want to seem needy and it doesn’t make it any easier for me to miss him over the holidays… so.

We’re back to complicated – not really though. But you know. Dating.

our second (5th) date

As I’ve mentioned in my last post, we had set a date for yesterday after work. He actually texted me in the morning, asking when and where to meet and I was going crazy, because I had sent him the exact time and place the day before… he was just not listening to me (I only found out later, that he was just wanting to check back if we were still on – and this was his way. Yes I smacked him for that, because he knows how much I hated repeating things).

I was really glad that things at work were calm in the morning, so I figured I could leave on time – unlike most of the other days this week. Well, I was happy to soon, because it all started at 2pm. By 4pm we were full on running around – full on chaos in the ER – and I thought about texting him to come in later, but I didn’t know if maybe it would calm down again until then.
Well, it didn’t. At 5.15pm (when we actually had set the time and I still was in my work clothes, helping) I asked whether I could help anyone or go, since I had an appointment. They made me go shortly after because of it, otherwise I probably would have worked till 8pm or so. I felt really bad, but also felt bad for letting P wait. So I quickly changed into my clothes and walked to my car to put everything in my car. He came over (I was 20 minutes late by then, so I guess we’re even), since I didn’t see his car straight away and we talked for a minute. Me trying to calm down and let go of work. Usually I have a 30minute drive home, where I can reflect on the work day and calm down. I didn’t have that time now and I felt it – and he did, too. We stayed in his car for probably an hour, just talking, holding hands, and he kissed me here and there. This was funny to me, because it was still bright outside and he knew most of the people on that ground knew me. I told him later on, that if anyone had seen us, the whole house probably would know by Monday. He didn’t seem to care too much though (well I have to answer the questions, I guess).

When we finally decided what to do, I quickly grabbed some warm clothes from my car (I swear I could live in this car right now) and we went to the seaside, near my work place. There we walked for about an hour or so, just talking, being goofy and what not. He then asked what I wanted to do, and although I had set a plan in my head beforehand, I obviously forgot about all of this (I only remembered when I was back home again). So we went back to his car to search for a nice restaurant to have dinner in.

He always made cheeky comments about “what to do now? Can we just make out?”, smirking. I told him I was too expensive to pay for a make out session though, haha.
So we went out for dinner and stayed until 10.30pm. Once more just talking, having a laugh but also just sitting there in silence, which was perfectly fine. He even mentioned his father at one point – after he asked how things with my father are going and I said I don’t talk to him. So he asked whether he still hadn’t text me and I just shook my head. He then said “well, I don’t hear from my dad either”. This left me speechless and I didn’t know what to say. It also made me sad, remembering the last 6 months. So we just sit there in silence for some time – probably both dwelling in our own memories. I wish I could have said something, but I didn’t.

There was one waiter always looking at me at that restaurant and he noticed. So I said that was my homie. When we walked back to the car, I asked whether he wanted to meet up with my other homies and he said yes (we were joking) and I said he could join me to the prom this coming Friday. He didn’t reply, I’m sure he’s busy and wouldn’t come anyway, because literally all my friends and my mom would be there. But it would also be so funny, because I have told none of my friends about being back to dating him. They’d be surprised haha… well he then drove me back up to my work place where my car still was.

I got kind of sad, knowing I couldn’t spend the night with him, because:
My feelings were back. Everything felt so natural once more. Him kissing me, holding hands, caressing, smiling at each other. It was back to how things were in September. I guess I didn’t have too much time to overthink things, because I was so busy at work and went straight into the date, you know?
At one point I almost accidentally said “I love you”. I didn’t, but my mind was playing games with me. I do not love him yet,… but I am falling for him again – yes. But it is not love, and I know he is not ready to hear it yet. We both know there are feelings towards each other… and it’s actually the first time I don’t need to hear them for reassurance, I just know (just like in September). The way he looks at me, the way he treats me. He is such a caring and loving person, I have not met a man like this before and I feel so happy to being able to date him. When we first got into his car, he gave me a present – again. A heartshaped chocolate. And it was so cute. He’s always so thoughtful of little gifts, this is something I have never experienced before. And gestures like this speak louder than words, right? For me at least.
Also whilst at the restaurant we talked about our ‘past’. He had said something about remembering where we went on our first date and I just laughed and said, yeah I even know the date we started talking on Tinder. He tried to find out, but didn’t. When I wanted to pay for dinner (because he did the last time already), he said I had bought him that plush toy already so he’s gonna pay. We actually fought over the bill and the waiter came over and asked whether we were done fighting now, haha. And I then said to P, that I had simply sent him that plush toy so he wouldn’t be able to forget about me. To which he said, he wouldn’t have either way. I’m not sure of this, but we left it at that.

Anyway, so we sat in the car in front of my work place till 12.30am. We both knew he needed to go, since he had to be somewhere else by 10am that day and had an hour drive home. He did say I could simply come home with him, but we both knew it would have gotten complicated with my car staying there and stuff. But I would have loved to spend the night with him yesterday. Everything felt so right and I really just loved spending time with him – like I said… just where we left off in September. I was able to let go, and him caressing me almost made me fall asleep. Which is not easy with me, I need to feel very secure and calm to make this happen – which happens rarely.
He also said that he had a really nice evening. And when I simply said “thanks” to him at one point he asked what for. I said “I don’t know… for being here, for dinner, for coming!?” and he started laughing saying “but I didn’t come though… maybe next time”. We both burst into laughter, because he kept making these comments all throughout the evening. I just love how caring he is, but still so cheeky as well. It’s a perfect mixture for me.

So yes, my emotions are back. Full on. When he held my face at some point and kissed me, the butterflies came back alive. And I was so happy at that moment, because I realised I had let go. Of all the overthinking and bad thoughts. I was back to where I wanted to be and what felt natural and… well, right. And I am just eager to find out how well we match and simply spend time with him. It’ll take a while to make things official I’m sure of that, but I’m also sure we match pretty well… there’s just so much unspoken love, which I am not used to. Since I always needed reassurance in my last relationships.. this is so different. Good different.

I’m happy.

update about P

As I’ve mentioned in my last post, my feelings have been all over the place that day. Now that I look back on it, it is kind of funny… but I need to not forget about how I felt that very day anyway.

Well, P had texted me shortly after I published that last post. He let me know that he had tried to stay awake till I was home to text me, but fell asleep. Which I do believe. He was so tired and it was just cute to let me know he had thought that far. It does show some kind of affection, right?!
We ended up having a short conversation – with him not replying after a while. Nothing new, right? I then told him, we could meet up again on August 25th, because that’d be in 6 months… keeping our cycle. He asked whether I was crazy and I just said “I like you as well”. Same old, his response: “I know”. I then didn’t reply, because I was busy and he texted me again in the evening about something I had told him on our date. This surprised me. Him texting me twice in a day, you know? I think we’ve talked more in the last 3 days, than in 4 months prior. So I see that he is trying. He has gotten that hint about me not liking the lack of contact via text ad he really is trying. He’s texted me every day since our date, so that’s a definite improvement, like 300%.

He made me feel quite good, so I figured I could ask him to meet up again before I leave on holidays. I just didn’t want this to be a month later again, and I did want to see him again either way.
Because here’s the thing: After everything I’ve told you guys about the lack of emotions, I actually could not get him out of my mind that whole weekend. I kept thinking of him, and the butterflies came back when I thought about the situations he’d kissed me. So I was back to how I felt before. Well, maybe not entirely, but the emotions are back partly, which is a good thing.

Long story short: I’ll see him again this coming Friday and then we’ll be off for 3 weeks I guess (he’s busy the weekend after and then I leave for 2 weeks). He’s gonna pick me up from work, so that should be interesting.

I’m very eager to find out where this is heading. I am not yet getting hopeful about the outcome, but I like the attention – not gonna lie.