another argument

Last week Alan and I had another argument. Well, argument actually is the wrong wording. It was more of a discussion. I asked him whether it would be okay if I went to the movies with Mr. Cucu, because we had to plan our holidays together afterwards.

Short story behind all this: I asked him pretty much in the beginning of getting to know him whether it would be okay if I went on holidays with Mr. Cucu for 2 weeks in summer. He said that it was okay back then (about 1 month ago). When I mentioned the holidays again last week, he asked whether Mr. Cucu had a girlfriend or not. I said “not that I know of”. He was just like “okay”, so I knew something was up.

I told him once more that if he wasn’t okay with me going on holidays with Mr. Cucu, he should let me know now, not once we’ve booked everything. He said that it didn’t bother him, he just has never been in that situation before. When I asked once more he said “I don’t want to ruin your holidays, but if you’re staying in the same room…… it’s not like I don’t trust you, it’s just weird for me.”

I tried to explain to him that I totally do understand his point of view and that I would not be okay if the situation were reversed. But also that Mr. Cucu was more like a brother to me, that we never cuddled or anything the like (which is true.. Although there once has been a time when I wanted to date him, this has long been gone. I actually never could have imagined actually kissing him, even during that time). He then just said “well there are rooms with twin beds, right?”

But somehow it just didn’t felt like we were done yet, so I said once more that I would understand if he told me not to go on holidays with him. He said “I already told you how I think about this. I trust you and I am not going to forbid anything, it’s just a weird situation for me.” I once more explained that I would not be angry and I did not see it as “forbidding”, that I wouldn’t have asked if I wouldn’t have changed a thing, right? I would have just said “I’m going on holidays with Mr. Cucu, I don’t give a fuck whether it bothers you” (pretty much like I did with Stan…) So he was saying that he didn’t want to intervene into this friendship. But that he would be okay, if he knew that we had a “healthy distance” and would not sleep in the same bed. That’s when I told him he should meet Mr. Cucu and see how we’re dealing with each other.

We did not talk about it again afterwards,… I did tell him that I wanted to talk about it again, until I actually had the feeling that he was okay with it. This hasn’t happened yet, BUT he has met Mr. Cucu last weekend and to me it felt like they were getting along. They will not become best friends, but they seem okay. So I’ll have to ask him again how he feels about the situation.

It’s really weird for me, to actually talk things out and not shout at each other and have no understanding whatsoever (like things went with Stan each time we argued). It’s great to actually have someone understanding and loving. That’s how it should have been all along, right?!

Offtopic: What was really cute and surprising: he actually remembered the date when we first met (I didn’t know by heart). We were talking about which day to take as our anniversary day (because let’s be honest, Valentine’s day sucks as an anniversary day) and I said we could take the day we met. But who cares really?! As long as we stay together 🙂

bursting heart

Alan invited me to a concert from Ed Sheeran. I have  loved this songwriter long before, but have loved him even more since his new album came out 2 weeks ago. So of course I was over the moon when Alan asked me to come along.

Little did I know how much this concert would change me. Or us.

Things weren’t looking the best beforehand. I thought he might come over to my place after the concert, but when he didn’t bring a bag, I knew he wouldn’t. That left me with a huge clump in my stomach. I am also terrified of concerts for the reason of loads of people in one room. When we were driving to the place, a car accident happened right in front of us, too, which left me shaking. We went there and I got really bad stomach ache (because of my fear). Once we were in the actual concert hall I was feeling better though. I knew I would be okay, with him.

And then the concert began. Alan is the biggest fan of Ed Sheeran ever. He can sing along pretty much every single song. So we were hugging and singing along, just enjoying the evening.

Then this song started. It is one of my favourites, but I never told Alan so. Then he hugged me real tight, quietly singing the lyrics into my ear, dancing with me. Kissing me. Holding me close. And then there was a couple next to us, and the man proposed to his girlfriend. So I got even more emotional. And he was just… I can’t even put this into words. It was just magical. I just felt the love radiate from him. I have never felt it as clearly as I did in that moment and I couldn’t have been happier. I felt so free… and in love. This happened on several songs of course, but this song just stuck with me. As he kept singing “you look perfect tonight” and then adding “you really do”. Being in a dark room, and singing “dancing in the dark, with you between my arms”.

Just the way he looked at me throughout that song. I wish I could put this into words, but I guess I will never forget this feeling again. Or at least I hope I never will.
In that moment, I just knew I want to spend my life with this man and it was so special to be with him in that amazing moment. I felt completed. I still do.

Oh the love I feel for him is indescribable.

 

birthday dinner

Yesterday happened so much, but so little at the same time. It was Alan’s birthday. Ever since we started dating I was dreading that day, because I’m so bad at presents. I don’t usually want to just buy something, but be personal with my gifts.

But let’s start from the beginning. Last weekend I asked if I should go over on his birthday and he said that he had no plans and he would love me to. On Monday night he told me that we’re going out for dinner with his mum and her boyfriend. As you might have guessed from some of my last posts, I was terrified of meeting her. He had told me so much about her disliking his ex-girlfriends that I was worried she would not like me as well. He did try to calm me, saying that if I can hold up a conversation and not do weird things (like pull my hairs out at the table and throw them on the floor – yes, his ex-girlfriend did exactly this), we would be fine.

I was already upset, as I was late because of traffic – that they would have to wait on me. So when I drove up to his house and a bike was following me, I was so annoyed at the driver for not overtaking. Until I realised it was actually Alan. He told me to wait a second and we’ll drive right on to the restaurant.
And that’s what we did. When I parked the car they were waiting by the door and I got even more nervous. We said hello, shaking hands. All good. They asked me questions and everything was good. However I was not able to really hold the conversation up like I usually do. I don’t usually have problems talking to people, even strangers… but whenever I’m nervous I get all shy. But once we were at the table in the restaurant the conversation flowed and I told some stories and they asked me questions and whatever. It’s not like I’d say she liked me a lot, but I also didn’t think that she disliked me.

When Alan and I were back at his place, we were talking about it. He actually said “so you survived the devil, huh?” and I was like: “yeah surviving doesn’t mean she likes me! I wont’ say a word until you tell me what she thinks of me”. He then went on to tell me that if she hadn’t liked me, she would have looked at him weirdly or made some nasty comment when I was on the toilet – which didn’t happen. So we’ll see. I actually really like her personality. Especially in contrast to his dumbass father (who reminds me a whole lot of my own, so that’s why).

His father wasn’t home when we returned, which I actually was really glad about after everything I heard about him at dinner from Alan’s mum. Then Alan asked me if I want to take a shower with him, which was a first. I actually thought he didn’t like to, because he hasn’t asked so far. So that happened. Just before we hopped in to the shower, he went to the toilet – so I took the time to lay out his presents: a 3 paged letter about my feelings, a ticket to the blue man group-show in October and some brownies I baked the day before. He saw the brownies first, which he thanked me for (can’t put my finger on it though whether he likes them or not). Oh and in the afternoon I made a crown for him, because he asked for it. Which I gave to him right when I came home. He was so happy about it, it was really cute.
Anyway, so he saw the brownies and went on to get ready for bed. When he turned on the nightlamp (I had set the letter right in front of it) he looked at it, looked at me and just shook his head (in a good way). I lay in bed when he started reading it and I actually was more nervous than before the first date or every other day. I wasn’t sure how he would react about my confessions. He did smile several times whilst reading it, but you know… Afterwards he cuddled me real hard and said, that he had never received something like that ever before and that he loved it and it was very thoughtful and cute and that he will read it every night from now on. Awww.

So that was a success and I’m just so happy that he’s in my life.

fight

We had our first big fight this weekend. Honestly, I don’t really know why it happened, but I knew it was coming for the last couple of weeks – as of how I was feeling about some things.

I did actually tell him last Friday about how I felt about his behaviour or rather lack thereof. I didn’t really get the answer I wanted to hear. He just said that he would let me know whenever he didn’t want to see me. But this is no reason to not ask to see me during the week, right? Anyway, I let it slip.. because really, what is the reason to keep arguing about it?

He was very loving when I came to his place though, so that was new (apart from that he won’t ever come to pick me up anymore, but waits in his room – but this as well was obvious to happen at some point). Then on Saturday he asked me what I wanted to do. In the morning he mentioned about going to a mountain, but as his father was away with the car I guessed this was off the cards. So I asked what he intended to do and that he obviously didn’t want to go to the mountains with my car, to which he said “why not?”. We were standing in the hallway when he asked again and I said that I had offered him to go to the mountains, but he was all weird about it saying “well then let’s go to the city” and off he went, without waiting for me as he usually does. He was sighing as well, which – let’s be honest here – is the biggest sign of being pissed, right? This really threw me off board and I wasn’t in the mood to talk no more. He asked me what was wrong and I said “nothing”, but didn’t look at him again. He stopped me in the middle of the street, asking again. I said “nothing, let’s just go”. But he stood there and said I should tell him what my problem was. I said “you’re pissed, that’s all” – in a tiny voice. He said he didn’t understand (acoustically) and I wasn’t in the mood to say it again, so I just went on. He held me up again, asking what my fucking problem was – getting really pissed, which upset me even more and I was on the edge of tears already anyway. I didn’t talk and just hugged him, but he didn’t really bother at all.

He stood on the pathway, looking at me and waiting for an answer, I didn’t give him one. We stood there for probably 10 minutes until he lost his shit and was like “what the fuck”. I already way crying, so I just went off to my car and locked myself in. This was a huge déjà-vu to Stan, which I hated. I knew I wanted him to come after me, but I also knew how fucking stupid this was. I bawled my eyes out in the car, reviving all the shit I was going through with Stan. All the hurt got right back at me. At some point I noticed how a car was driving next to mine, and heard that it was his father talking to him. I didn’t bother to look up.

After a few minutes, when I opened the window for some fresh air, he stood next to my car, asking what the fuck my problem was. I wasn’t able to talk, and neither did I wanted to. I just said that I thought he was really pissed, and I didn’t want him to be. He was very very very cold towards me, which upset me even more (once more, just like Stan). I got out of the car, trying to talk to him… but as I said him being that cold just upset me even more. At some point I was just like “do you want me to grab my stuff and just go?!” to which he said it was my choice. Y’all know what I wanted to hear. It was not that.

He was so furious, so at some point I was just like “I’m gonna get my things” and walked back towards his house, as he had the keys I had to wait on him. He didn’t open the door and asked me about a billion times what my fucking problem was. I told him that my head was the fucking problem, I had told him so many times before that it’s hard for me to just not read into his mimics and whatever and that he really had given me the feeling of being bored or annoyed with me. He didn’t seem to care at all. He asked me what I was intending to do about it (my head), and inside of me I lost my shit. I seriously did. What the hell man?! I asked him what he expected me to do? He didn’t say anything. After a while I said “well it would be a start for you to hug me when I’m crying” (instead of standing a foot away from me, crossed arms and just so so cold) to which he said, that I didn’t really show any affection towards him. He didn’t do anything. He didn’t hug me. So after a while I walked towards him and hugged him, he didn’t hug me back so I was like “okay then”. My world shattered.

I don’t really know how we solved that problem. At some point he just said “next time just tell me what the problem is and not throw such a tantrum, okay?”. I totally do understand his point of view, I did behave like a 3yo kid. But him being so cold and distant was breaking my heart, and I knew that fighting with him would never be easy. It was actually worse than with Stan. At least Stan would “defrost” at some point and hold me in his arms. Alan was so distant and thinking about it still makes me tear up. I had to make all those first steps, which I hate. It was the worst experience ever. I didn’t know what to do, because deep inside me I knew I didn’t want to give it up. I knew it was all in my head. But I had hoped he would be a little more understanding. I know he has no patience whatsoever, but I didn’t expect it to be that bad.

I really don’t know what to think. We had a lovely weekend afterwards, and all was good again. And I know that he’s not thought about the situation again, but it has stayed with me for the whole time and it’s making me so scared of the future. I know I need to learn and trust him. I need to believe what he says and not read so much into his non-existant actions. But it’s hard. And I had thought once I told him about my issues, he would be more understanding. It doesn’t seem that way. At these times he seems so selfish, and I really don’t know if it’s my head telling me – because I’m such a sucker at relationships – or it really is that way. Because he can be so loving and forthcoming as well. But then again, he’s not that big on showing emotions at all. He does tell me he loves me, but that’s about all I get. Is this really love from his side? I’m not entirely sure anymore, if I’m being completely honest. And I guess that’s why my insecurities have bubbled up so much these last few days. It makes me scared, that he’ll just dump me at some point.

But still, I don’t want to just give up, like I always did with anyone else. The problem won’t go away, because it’s me. It’s my head, that’s messed up. But this has given my heart a huge scar all over again, and I’m not sure how long it’ll take to heal up.

Lost him?!

I’m a bit confused… whilst things are going well with Alan whenever I am with him, I sometimes feel like he doesn’t care to see me. There’s an 1.5 hour drive between us. He’s a student. I drove over to his place during the week whenever I was able to. In these last 3 weeks he came over once, although he was off several days.

I actually don’t care to drive to his place. What does bother me though: Last week he told me on Sunday he’ll have a look at his schedule so he could come to mine sometime during the work week. There was not a single word about it again until the weekend. Okay, he was busy. I get it…

I offered him on Monday that I was off this Thursday (today) and he was off work after midday, so he could come to my place. I figured I would not mention it again… I mean I offered already, right? Not a single word again. It’s Thursday night and I’m laying here alone, not even once asked to come over although he was bored all afternoon. He was off Tuesday as well and I actually said he should come over, which he just laughed off.

It’s hard to immediately think about going over every free hour I have, and he doesn’t even notice when he’s off the entire afternoon. Yes, maybe he would have to get up earlier than when he would be home… but seriously? I get up at 5am each Monday (instead of 7am), just to spend one more short night with him.

I’m actually not even in the mood to plan our weekend. I’ll just wait and see how long it takes him to ask about it. He did not ask at all last week. So I am not sure whether he even wants to see me at all. But oh well… I’m just so confused, he also wasn’t interested in sex last weekend. He actually told me no. Never happened before. Whenever we did have sex, it was on my behalf. Has he fallen out of love? I’m scared.

Fucked up brain

Current new situation: It is 4am, I am sitting in Alan’s living room – by myself. He is sleeping in bed. I stayed there for probably an hour before I got out.

Why, you might ask? Why start this same stupid damn thing I did with Momo just before we broke up? Because my brain is fucking awful. 

I haven’t seen Alan in a week and I was so happy to see him again. When I realised he was not actually interested in spending time with me – which showed by him rather setting his new computer up, surfing on the news site whilst I was trying to kiss him, or him actually declining sex… well that’s when my brain got the overhand and told me that he was not actually interested in me anymore. Maybe I am too boring, who knows really?! 

I know that this is not the case, he would have said things and not asked me to come over. But it sure as hell feels that way. To lay in bed on opposite sides (which by the way was inclined by me, because I couldn’t stand to be touched in this situation), me actually crying and him snoring away. Yeah, not a nice feeling. 

So I’m sitting on the couch, waiting to get tired enough to go back to bed and actually fall asleep. The option of sleeping on the couch is not given, as I do not want to explain to his father, who will be home in an hour or so. And neither to Alan actually.

I hate my brain, I really do.

voice in my head…

My brain is really stupid. And I know it.

Things with Alan are going great, they really are. He is such an awesome, handsome and very loving man I do not deserve in any way. He makes me feel like I’ve never felt before and he shows me how a relationship should be.  It’s weird to not feel bad about certain things or even feelings. And only now I understand how much Stan has actually destroyed in me. When I feel like saying sorry for things Stan expected me to and Alan just tells me to stop saying sorry all the time. He’s very caring, he makes me feel so good. He makes me feel loved – of all the things. Remembering how I even felt ugly and stupid whilst having sex with Stan, Alan makes me feel quite the opposite. He tells me how much he loves my body and me. He cuddles me. He kisses me. He holds my hand. He tells me how cute I am whenever I least expect it. It’s such a wonderful feeling.

And for the first time forever, I can actually see myself grow old with someone. I can see him in my life in a few years. Because he’s slowly becoming my best friend. We’re laughing so much, doing things I’d do with my friends. And I can’t wait to experience things with him. I want to go on holidays with him. I want to go to concerts with him, I just want to make so many memories. It’s all about spending quality time with him – and I love every second of it. (By the way, he also told me that he felt very bad for when I was awake that early and he slept in last weekend. Didn’t happen again the last few days I was at his place! 🙂 So all good.)

I met his best friend and his girlfriend last weekend. I was very unsure about how they thought of me, as I had been very quiet. I did talk whenever I had to say something, but it was way less than I usually would. Alan told me later on that his best friend said “you made the right choice!” whatever that choice was about.

But even with all these wonderful things going on, there’s still that little voice inside me that makes me feel very self-concious. Like when I realise he doesn’t want to take a shower with me – remembering how all my exes loved to do that. I offered him on Tuesday to get into the shower, he said no (which probably was simply because he was too tired to get up). We went to take a shower this weekend separately. Then, seeing him dress up for that party, which he never did for me. You know? The little things.

And I know they’re not meant to hurt me, or he’s willingly trying to do these things. I mean I told him so many times that I was sorry for this and that and he always said that he loves me and I shouldn’t put so much thought into things like these. But I just can’t. I’m trying not not talk to him about these insecurities, but usually I blurt them out at some point. And he has told me before that he wants me to speak openly about them. But then I’m so afraid – one day he’ll get bored with them. Up until now he always reassured me that my thoughts were unreasonable, but I really don’t know. So I keep thinking about things like “why did he have to make a choice? Was there another girl?”, when really there probably is such a simple answer.
But that little voice inside me tells me to see these things and think about them. It’s making me crazy, especially because I know how much he likes me, and he does make me feel loved. It’s like I always thought I was so bad in bed, but he tells me differently each time. It’s so hard to believe, but he’s slowly slipping into my heart and making me believe these things. But there are still a lot of other things I need to get over, and I know they’re just in my head and I need to not read too much into these kinda things. Like when he’s quiet and I immediately think I’ve done something wrong or when we don’t talk for a minute on the phone and I think he’ll leave me because I’m boring (like I said, the things Stan has done to me… they’re unbearable and it makes me so much more angry at him). Or when he doesn’t say things back. Like, I told him today how much I miss him and he just sent an emoji back. Why do I think he doesn’t feel the same way, just because he doesn’t say it? It doesn’t mean anything. I mean, I didn’t say ‘I love you’ back so many times, and he didn’t get all upset. So what is wrong with me? It’s just, sometimes I put so much into a message, telling him all my feelings. And I don’t get much back. But then again, he told me before he’s not very good with words. And whenever I am with him, I feel like my heart could explode with love.

It’s difficult, but I’m trying very hard to ignore these voices and just enjoy the feelings that he actually gives me. The love I do feel most of the time. It actually feels so right with him, I cannot put it into words – and I’ve never felt that way before. Even my home didn’t feel like home, when I came back the other day after 4 days at his place. You know, when you get into an apartment and it just smells like someone else? It didn’t smell like home. I’ve never experienced this before.

Oh the love. And I have never feared to lose someone as much as I do with him. I always was like “well, life will go on if he breaks up with me”. It would actually break my heart if he did, and I wouldn’t know what to do. I cannot imagine him to not be in my life. Like ever.

Is this what love feels like? I guess it is.