too much

I need to vent for a moment. And hopefully in a year’s time I will laugh about how upset we have been about this situation.

Well. How upset I have been.

My boyfriend is in the process of finding a new job. It’s not just that he’s unhappy at his current workplace (he only started there 1.5 months ago), but that he’s overall unhappy in that field of work (nurse in an ICU). I have always told him I would support him the best I can and I have. But it’s starting to get too much for me.

Last night – I got out of a night shift and he’s on early shift – I couldn’t sleep. So I started watching youtube and did something stupid: watched a documentary about still birth. Whatever it is about babies, it makes me cry. So I silently (!) cried. However, he did wake up at some point. He asked what was wrong and I couldn’t tell him at first, because it was so stupid.
Long story short, we started talking. About his job search, about how unsatisfying all of this is. He had told me a couple hours before, that he did get rejected at the job that I had hoped he would get. Because it would have made life a whole lot easier for the next 2 years.
Little roundabout: I’m moving 1.5 hours away in April next year, due to my studies in another hospital in a big city. I’ve applied to that job way before we started dating, so I was not eager to cancel those plans, and he did not ask me to either. That job he applied for would have been closer to that new city I will move to, he would understand my need for studying, because he’d do the same in a different area (anaesthesia), we could study together. But he got declined, and I knew he would. He didn’t show any interest and he hadn’t heard anything for 1 month, when it would start in January. I knew he wouldn’t get it, nonetheless I had hoped for it. Him telling me this by the way, without any hint of sadness or regret… was hard. Knowing I had hoped for it so badly. And him being so blunt about it. But I said nothing. In the end, this is still his own life he needs to deal with.

He then told me that he now was hoping for that job in a heart-clinic. That job is even further away from where I will move to… and I just know that he will not be happy in that job. But I can’t tell him what to do. I did tell him my thoughts, that I think it will get boring for him in a few weeks. But he’s head over heels about it and I let him. In the end he has to be happy about this. He’s going to look into it this coming week, so we shall see. But I’m pretty sure he’ll take the job, if he gets the offer.

So at some point he simply asked me “what do you want? I’ve never asked you what you want in all of this”. And I realised how true that was. I always did think about how things would get, but never wanted to put myself first. And still don’t. But I did tell him my worries about him moving even further away. When he’s still blind-sided about a Monday to Friday job and he would get to see me that much more. But he won’t. I’ve been there, I’ve done that. It’s not gonna happen as long as I’m still working shifts. And I also told him that I do not understand why he can’t move close to my new home. I knew he would not, but I did not understand. And for the first time he simply stated, that it was too expensive. And then I told him “well you’re going crazy when you don’t see me for 3 days now… so how is that gonna work out next year? When we won’t get to see each other for a week or 2?!” He didn’t say much to that. He knows it is true. But he is still blindly saying it will work, he’ll come to my place after work and whatever. But it is not gonna happen. He then all of a sudden said, he could apply for a job in a heart-clinic in my new city. And asked me if we’re going to make it the next 2 years. He’s terrified of our relationship taking its toll because of the distance and everything. And I am not worried about our relationship, just how hard it will get.

It’s just so upsetting. The up and down. And whenever I think he’s found something for him, he’s throwing it all overboard the next moment. I did search for another job close by in the studies I will be taking in, and have found one for November 2019 (they’re actually “booked out” for 2 years pretty much in the whole country). I told him that after some thinking and he looked surprised. I know he doesn’t really wanna do it, because he told me afterwards he’s going to apply to some more jobs in other areas. And it’s just so hard for me to see him do that, when I know he’s not gonna be happy. It all sounds appealing on paper: more money, structured day, no shifts. But it’s going to get boring, doing the same thing all day, every day. He’s already bored at his new place, because they don’t have as complicated patients as we did in our work place… so how’s that gonna end in a 8-5 job, doing the same thing all day?! But all he’s thinking about is earning a lot of money, to feed our future family, when I told him I’d rather have him happy, than have more money. Plus, it’s not like I don’t earn enough myself – I do earn good money, and will earn even more once I’m done with the studies. But it’s not going into his head. He wants to be the man. Whatever.

So I’m just struggling with life right now. It’s too much for me, and I just can’t do anything about it. I just want all of this to be over with. And in all this mess, I still need to search for a new flat and be ready for the biggest change in my life (moving out from home, moving out by myself, to a new city, I know nobody in).

I do really hate this right now.

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met his family… at a funeral.

So we went to his parents – as mentioned – last Thursday. I wasn’t in the best mood on my birthday, but over the last few days, we talked about it and he said sorry about not turning up sooner on my birthday, and told me he would never leave me alone again on my birthday. He did not know, why I didn’t want to be alone and in the end I also got to know why he did show up this late: my birthday present arrived that morning *lol* he’s such a jerk sometimes. So no hard feelings left.

The last few days however have brought us closer back together again. Because of all the work and stress, we have been drifting away a little, and spending these 4 days together has really helped. We had 2x 8 hours drives to talk, and that’s what we do. I told him all about my father and that story, he told me about his family, since they argued again when we were there… there’s a lot of arguments in his family, and when he shouted at his dad, he said sorry afterwards and why I didn’t say anything to that. I explained that I have lived through this kind of family drama already, and was not ready to do it again, so I just left them with that.

I also met the rest of his big family on Friday. At the funeral of his grandma. Of course I wasn’t too happy about the situation and also didn’t know how everyone would react to see me at the funeral, but it was okay actually. They were really nice and talked to me. The funeral itself was hard. Even for me. I’d only seen her twice, and both times she had been terribly ill already, but losing someone is never easy. And when my boyfriend said that he was so glad I was just there for him, because it lent him strength,… I knew it was worth all the worries I had beforehand of not being liked by his family (which actually wasn’t the case at all).

His mother’s birthday was 2 days before mine, so we exchanged some gifts as well. She was so cute and I really really like her a lot. Just today I thought about how I never want to break up with him, even thinking about not seeing them again hurts me.  That’s so weird, because I never got along with the families of my exboyfriends. So I sent her a text message today to say thanks again for the gifts and the lovely time. I think she’s as happy as I am when we spend time together, even though it’s hard for my boyfriend. The family has a lot of issues, but still.. I know what it’s like. And him being so far away, is so hard on his parents especially. I know he wants to live his own life, but he gotta get up and moving at times.

So all is good. I’m very happy right now, even though it’s gonna be a tough month again (due to my work plan, and only having 4 days off till the end of November). But we’ll make it through.

the little things.

Sometimes the little things start to add up.

Don’t get me wrong. I am happy in this relationship. Even though it might not seem like it, because I’m grumbling a lot about things… I actually am. I have not yet seen any reason to end this relationship, even though it has not been easy at all in the last few weeks.

Today is my birthday. Tomorrow we’re driving to his parents (8hour drive), just because… we have been up there 3 weeks ago already, because his granny wasn’t too well. We had planned on going for a while, because his mom’s birthday was 2 days ago. Now there’s also the funeral to go to on Friday. All of this would not be a problem, but I’m just so done with always going a long way for him, and not getting things in return.
He asked me last week, whether we would drive there from my place, I said yes. He’s been off from his night shift today. At first he wanted to not sleep, when we talked about it last week and I said he should. I always thought he would come to my place afterwards, because he could sleep here as well. Well, it is now 10am, he’s not here and has texted me that he is finally in bed. He texted me a couple of hours ago that he’s on his way home. I already knew that “home” was not here. He never calls it that. And now I’m disappointed. He asked me to take the day off and I did. And now I’m sitting here on my birthday, all on my own without any plans, waiting for him to show up whenever (won’t be until late afternoon, I’ve known him too well for that). And it just sucks.

He’s a good one. He really is. He does a lot of little things for me, that I do appreciate but aren’t exactly what I need. But when it comes to the things I want, I get nothing. And don’t get me wrong, I am NOT angry or anything the like. I’m just disappointed to be sitting at home on my birthday, because I usually enjoy working at my birthday. But whatever. Now gotta get this day done with. Everyone is at work, so it’s not like I could ask anyone to get out with. Whatever.

And birthdays (just like Christmas and whatever) are always hard for me, because it makes it so obvious how stupid my father is (not have heard anything from him in like 12 years).

Happy birthday to me, yay.

P is back!

This is gonna be a short one:

Last Saturday I went out with my old school mates. And obviously we started talking about boys and stuff, since a lot has happened in the last 6 months since we’ve seen each other. Some have broken up from their boyfriends, others (me) have found someone to love. However, I did also talk about P.

There are no hard feelings left. Actually there are no feelings whatsoever. But guess how surprised I was to unlock my phone to a message of him today. He was trying to tease me, but I did not get down with it.
Not sure why he’s texting me. I think he knows I’m with my boyfriend now, since I have a picture of us as the profile picture. So I don’t know what he’s trying by this. I haven’t heard anything from him since June or July, when he was doing fireworks near my work place, and even then it was a short small talk. Otherwise I hadn’t heard from him since April. So why now?

I don’t know, but it’s funny to me.

things are kinda good.

Long time no see. You know, whenever I don’t write, things are going good.

Things are still good, don’t get me wrong. I just figured, I would be glad to have something to read back on in a few years. I did write a lot more with Momo, but I guess we’re just figuring things out together and never really argue as much.

Right now things are hard though. As you may know, we were colleagues and he left my work place in September. I was actually glad about it, because I didn’t want to see him 24/7. He doesn’t share my opinion on this, but that’s a whole other story.
He hates his new work place and this is were things are getting complicated. I never expected him to like it, but I guess he just wanted to get away from that said work place. Now, all of this wouldn’t be a problem, but he has no idea what he wants to do in his future and it’s nagging on me. It uses up so much energy to not blow up when he keeps doing the same stupid things over and over, and it’s just… hard. I want to help and support him obviously, but he is making it very hard, not listening to a single thing I’ve been saying to him over and over again. It has also been a things that we discuss over and over again, because we’re both in a foul mood. I’m just hoping for things to turn out how he wants.

But.

I’m moving away in May. With him staying at the same place he lives now, that means an 1.5 – 2 hours drive. That’s okay. But with him now searching for a job in the other direction and not realising what that means, he’s just making things worse. And as I said, it wouldn’t be a problem. But he makes one. He needs to see me every other day at least. Because of our work shifts, we wouldn’t have been able to see each other for 4 days 2 weeks ago. 4 days. That’s nothing. But he came to my work place, so we could see each other. It was cute of course, but I’m not sure how he’ll handle it once I’m gone and we will not be able to see each other that much (unless he finds a work close to my new work place).

It’s just a bit much right now. I’m working a lot, because I’m going to school besides working 90% (20% school), my health is suffering again now, so I’m spiralling down with my patience (with myself) as well.

Just hoping for things to clear out soon, not sure how I’ll deal with it otherwise. Haven’t had more than 1 day off at a time for 2 weeks, and will not have 2 days off the whole of November as well. But I’ll survive. Somehow.

So that’s my update for now.

I love you

This is gonna be a sgort one since Scott lies right next to me. I do want to remember this hiwever and have already put it off for a couple of days.

Last Saturday my best friend and her biyfriend came over to Scott’s place (his idea). We had a really good and fun time, I got tot alk to my bestie but also soend time with my boyfriend.

At one point he went to the kitchen to grab something and I was putting dishes in the dishwasher when he came towards me and said “it’s so nice… I really like you. I love you….. I like you a lot”

At first I talked myself into not have heard it right. We have not yet said the word yet, although he has been hinting on this a few times for the last few weeks. I have thought about telling him, because I know it’s important to him. But I just didn’t feel it quite yet. And realising how happy I was about him accidentally blupring it out… Well. I did not say anything because obviously analysing his reaction, he didn’t plan on saying it. I did however make a comment the next day when he was tipsy. He had thought I was sad about hearing it so I told him I was not and just needed time to say such things.

It was just do cute, really.

meeting his parents.

The last 2 weeks have felt like a million, but still.. I feel like I’m back from holidays.

Last week he got a call from his mom, letting him know that his granny isn’t doing too well. I kept thinking about asking him to go up there, because who knows how much time he has left to say goodbye to her. But for some reason I didn’t. I then texted him Thursday night I think, whether he would like to go see his granny instead of doing our trip. He said he didn’t see the urge, since he can’t really do anything about the situation. In the end he asked if I would join him and I said yes.

Long story short, we drove up to his home town on Sunday afternoon. It’s an 8 hour drive, so I had lots of time to overthink things. Surprisingly I only got nervous about 30 minutes before we arrived. I didn’t know how his parents would react and just… I don’t know, I was scared shitless. He did get nervous as well.. but we both just overplayed it.

We then got into the street his parents live in and he said “so here we are…”. I got out of the car and a dog started barking. As some may know, I don’t like dogs… even less so when they bark. But it was a little one, so I was okay. Then I saw his father standing at the door and went to say hello. When we got in his mom said hello to my boyfriend and then walked to me and just said “can I hug you?” and we hugged. The ice was instantly broken for me right there and then. I really loved that she asked and didn’t just do it. My boyfriend later on said he was surprised as well. I’m not sure if she’s not a hugger or just not in the first moment.

Anyway. We spent a lovely 2 days at his family house. I felt like home, if I’m being honest. And the language was no problem whatsoever. We also visited his best friend and goddaughter again (the one we saw the weekend before). Which was funny because his best friend said at the end “so now you can go learn our language until next time” and I was like “I already can speak it” and he looked at me weirdly. It was so funny, because he thought I couldn’t talk in his mother tongue although I can.

So my biggest fear of not getting a good impression have now gone away and I am happier than ever with my boyfriend. Almost 10 weeks now ❤