I need to vent for a moment. And hopefully in a year’s time I will laugh about how upset we have been about this situation.
Well. How upset I have been.
My boyfriend is in the process of finding a new job. It’s not just that he’s unhappy at his current workplace (he only started there 1.5 months ago), but that he’s overall unhappy in that field of work (nurse in an ICU). I have always told him I would support him the best I can and I have. But it’s starting to get too much for me.
Last night – I got out of a night shift and he’s on early shift – I couldn’t sleep. So I started watching youtube and did something stupid: watched a documentary about still birth. Whatever it is about babies, it makes me cry. So I silently (!) cried. However, he did wake up at some point. He asked what was wrong and I couldn’t tell him at first, because it was so stupid.
Long story short, we started talking. About his job search, about how unsatisfying all of this is. He had told me a couple hours before, that he did get rejected at the job that I had hoped he would get. Because it would have made life a whole lot easier for the next 2 years.
Little roundabout: I’m moving 1.5 hours away in April next year, due to my studies in another hospital in a big city. I’ve applied to that job way before we started dating, so I was not eager to cancel those plans, and he did not ask me to either. That job he applied for would have been closer to that new city I will move to, he would understand my need for studying, because he’d do the same in a different area (anaesthesia), we could study together. But he got declined, and I knew he would. He didn’t show any interest and he hadn’t heard anything for 1 month, when it would start in January. I knew he wouldn’t get it, nonetheless I had hoped for it. Him telling me this by the way, without any hint of sadness or regret… was hard. Knowing I had hoped for it so badly. And him being so blunt about it. But I said nothing. In the end, this is still his own life he needs to deal with.
He then told me that he now was hoping for that job in a heart-clinic. That job is even further away from where I will move to… and I just know that he will not be happy in that job. But I can’t tell him what to do. I did tell him my thoughts, that I think it will get boring for him in a few weeks. But he’s head over heels about it and I let him. In the end he has to be happy about this. He’s going to look into it this coming week, so we shall see. But I’m pretty sure he’ll take the job, if he gets the offer.
So at some point he simply asked me “what do you want? I’ve never asked you what you want in all of this”. And I realised how true that was. I always did think about how things would get, but never wanted to put myself first. And still don’t. But I did tell him my worries about him moving even further away. When he’s still blind-sided about a Monday to Friday job and he would get to see me that much more. But he won’t. I’ve been there, I’ve done that. It’s not gonna happen as long as I’m still working shifts. And I also told him that I do not understand why he can’t move close to my new home. I knew he would not, but I did not understand. And for the first time he simply stated, that it was too expensive. And then I told him “well you’re going crazy when you don’t see me for 3 days now… so how is that gonna work out next year? When we won’t get to see each other for a week or 2?!” He didn’t say much to that. He knows it is true. But he is still blindly saying it will work, he’ll come to my place after work and whatever. But it is not gonna happen. He then all of a sudden said, he could apply for a job in a heart-clinic in my new city. And asked me if we’re going to make it the next 2 years. He’s terrified of our relationship taking its toll because of the distance and everything. And I am not worried about our relationship, just how hard it will get.
It’s just so upsetting. The up and down. And whenever I think he’s found something for him, he’s throwing it all overboard the next moment. I did search for another job close by in the studies I will be taking in, and have found one for November 2019 (they’re actually “booked out” for 2 years pretty much in the whole country). I told him that after some thinking and he looked surprised. I know he doesn’t really wanna do it, because he told me afterwards he’s going to apply to some more jobs in other areas. And it’s just so hard for me to see him do that, when I know he’s not gonna be happy. It all sounds appealing on paper: more money, structured day, no shifts. But it’s going to get boring, doing the same thing all day, every day. He’s already bored at his new place, because they don’t have as complicated patients as we did in our work place… so how’s that gonna end in a 8-5 job, doing the same thing all day?! But all he’s thinking about is earning a lot of money, to feed our future family, when I told him I’d rather have him happy, than have more money. Plus, it’s not like I don’t earn enough myself – I do earn good money, and will earn even more once I’m done with the studies. But it’s not going into his head. He wants to be the man. Whatever.
So I’m just struggling with life right now. It’s too much for me, and I just can’t do anything about it. I just want all of this to be over with. And in all this mess, I still need to search for a new flat and be ready for the biggest change in my life (moving out from home, moving out by myself, to a new city, I know nobody in).
I do really hate this right now.