getting married

It’s funny how something can drag along for forever (well 4 months) and then all of a sudden everything changes at once. As I’ve mentioned in my last post, my boyfriend Scott has finally decided to come along with me to the new city. Which means moving in together, building up a new life together – since we both don’t know anybody there. He’s actively looking for jobs and finally in a field that I see him in.

He has been super grateful as of late, because I sticked around. Just yesterday when I was talking to a friend about this, she said “I was afraid you would leave him, if he would have not changed his mind”. Which surprised me, because it never came to my mind to leave him because of this. Of course it was annoying and very time- and power consuming, but that didn’t change the fact that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and I don’t see myself without him again. Even though he does annoy me a lot, I still value what he gives me.

So a few days ago we went out with a friend, who then brought up the topic of marrying. This has not been a new topic to our relationship. We’ve talked about it pretty much from the beginning and agreed on him proposing at the end of my studies (which means the end of 2020). She then asked him why he didn’t propose yet (bear in mind we have only been together 7 months by now) when he knows I’m the one. To which he of course didn’t have an answer. I just laughed, because it was funny to me, for her to be so big on this.
Anyway, when we were back home he asked me whether I really wanted him to propose and I said no. I reminded him of what we had spoken of long before and he just said “but what if I want to?”… to which I told him he had let me know, he didn’t want to be engaged for longer than a year. And then he said “but I just want to call you my fiancee”.
This caught me off surprise. It’s very cute, but I’m not sure why he’s so eager on it now. I knew beforehand that he was playing with these thoughts and that’s why I made him promise me, he would not propose on our first holidays (in September). But I’m not sure how much longer he can hold off.

And I don’t know why I’m making myself think about it, because I know the answer I would give him. And he knows as well, so it would all be fine. I guess it’s just that community doesn’t understand how fast one can get married and be sure about someone.

Oh well, we’ll see 🙂

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2019 is gonna be OUR year.

As I’ve mentioned in my last post, the last couple of months have been kinda hard on our relationship. Lots of ups and down, lots of decisions, which my boyfriend then ignored again a few days later. It has been stressful to say the least. Add into that stress at work, and just a team that doesn’t work like it should. Haven’t been in the best mood as of late because of that.

Well. A colleague of mine talked to my boyfriend shortly after I wrote that last post. He explained to him once more, why it would be great for him to join me to the new city and what not. Pretty much what I had been telling him the last few weeks, but you know… him not wanting to hear it. I did have the hope that he would talk to him about it, since said colleague lived where I’m moving to and so on.
Long story short, my boyfriend had then decided differently once more. He said he wanted to move in with me in that new city and “fuck my studies”. Which was not what I had wanted to hear – if I’m being honest. I was glad for him to want to move forward in our relationship and move in together. But not for the price of him yet again not knowing what he wants job wise.
Again long story short, we have found a compromise now, which we are both happy with. I am searching for flats. And it’s happening. Scott and I will move in together in April next year. We both will start a new life in a new city, we both are scared shitless… but we have each other, which I guess is the most important part of it all.

It has taken a lot of pressure off us, and we’ve been dealing with each other way better than the last few weeks. He knows that and has been apologising for a while, because he has been such a dickhead. But whatever.

Moving on and forward.

happy 6 months and long talks

As I have mentioned in my last post, there have been a lot of not so nice moments over the past couple of months. The uncertainty of what may come and the indecisive part of my boyfriend, drove me absolutely crazy.

There have been a few talks about it here and there, but I mainly held back, because I did not want to push him onto a job, HE did not want to do… even though I knew it would fit him perfectly.

Well, last Friday I went to see him after his night shift. I wasn’t in the best of moods, and him starting to talk about that heart-clinic job again, did not help at all. He was there to look at it the day before, and to be completely honest… I had still hoped that he would not like it. But if I was honest to myself, I knew he would take that job 2 months ago, when he first mentioned it. Even after every other job he applied for, I knew it would be that one.
He had texted me that day about the positive things of that job, and that got me upset even more, because I knew about all the negative parts he did not mention. I do work with some people, that have been at that clinic, and have told me about it. But I did not talk to him about it, because I wanted him to go there without any presumptions. Oh well.

Back to last Friday. He talked about it and I said nothing. I haven’t said much to the topic at all for the last 2 weeks, when I realised I was so done with everything about that. I knew it would not help if I said what I actually thought. He wasn’t listening. He didn’t want to listen. So I just avoided the topic.
Well, things got out of hand and we argued a lot. I went out of the bedroom to cry. He came back and I told him to get the fuck off, I did not want to talk about it. And since I had a party to attend that evening, I also had an excuse to leave the house. He did tell me, he wanted to talk about it the next day… and I just said “there’s nothing left to say, since you never listen” and went.

He came to that party later that evening and my mood went down right away when he showed up. I did feel bad for that, but whatever. He showed up drunk, which didn’t help. We went home at 1am and he started again. I was not too happy to talk about that at 1 am in the morning, but whatever. I told him what I thought (that he would not be happy there), that I had heard a lot of bad things, but that it was his choice and I would be there. I was only worried, that we’d be at the same place again in 6 months.

Turns out later on, he still did not listen. Well. It seemed like things were better, only for him to be like a baby again, when I said I did not want him to come to my house next week on my only day off. I hadn’t slept by that point for probably 2 weeks, and I just wanted to take that day to simply do nothing (which he cannot do). I told him to stop crying about things like that.

Fast forward to yesterday. It was our 6 months-anniversary and we went out for dinner. I had actually thought the topic was done, since I knew he was going to that heart-clinic, although he did not say (and I did tell him, I had wished he would be honest with me and not holding back his emotions).
Nope. We had another 2 hour talk about it. He accused me of talking the job down and only listening to his friend (who happens to be my boss as well), that is trying to make things bad for him. I explained him for the millionth time that it was not only about what I’ve heard about the clinic, but that I did not think he would be happy there. He will get bored, and he knows it. It was the hardest thing for him to agree with me, although he knew it was true. However, we have now found a solution to it. Well maybe, if he gets the job at least. So I get him to study anaesthesia, he gets to go to the heart-clinic and leaving the current job he is unhappy in. And we can actually go through with our “long-term” plan of having kids in 2-3 years.

But that was a hard one. I’m not one to talk so long, and repeat myself a billion times. But it seems like he needed that. He needed to hear that I would be there no matter what, but that I only wanted the best for him.
But I guess that’s what this is: a relationship. I did tell him that I did have thoughts about how much easier it would have been to be single again. Which shocked him I guess. And I also explained that the difference is, that I did not think about breaking up with him. Simply that it would be easier. Which doesn’t mean it was the better choice. Maybe that has opened his eyes, to how much the situation had nagged on me. He did not realise this…

So hopefully this is it now with arguing about his job hunt.

too much

I need to vent for a moment. And hopefully in a year’s time I will laugh about how upset we have been about this situation.

Well. How upset I have been.

My boyfriend is in the process of finding a new job. It’s not just that he’s unhappy at his current workplace (he only started there 1.5 months ago), but that he’s overall unhappy in that field of work (nurse in an ICU). I have always told him I would support him the best I can and I have. But it’s starting to get too much for me.

Last night – I got out of a night shift and he’s on early shift – I couldn’t sleep. So I started watching youtube and did something stupid: watched a documentary about still birth. Whatever it is about babies, it makes me cry. So I silently (!) cried. However, he did wake up at some point. He asked what was wrong and I couldn’t tell him at first, because it was so stupid.
Long story short, we started talking. About his job search, about how unsatisfying all of this is. He had told me a couple hours before, that he did get rejected at the job that I had hoped he would get. Because it would have made life a whole lot easier for the next 2 years.
Little roundabout: I’m moving 1.5 hours away in April next year, due to my studies in another hospital in a big city. I’ve applied to that job way before we started dating, so I was not eager to cancel those plans, and he did not ask me to either. That job he applied for would have been closer to that new city I will move to, he would understand my need for studying, because he’d do the same in a different area (anaesthesia), we could study together. But he got declined, and I knew he would. He didn’t show any interest and he hadn’t heard anything for 1 month, when it would start in January. I knew he wouldn’t get it, nonetheless I had hoped for it. Him telling me this by the way, without any hint of sadness or regret… was hard. Knowing I had hoped for it so badly. And him being so blunt about it. But I said nothing. In the end, this is still his own life he needs to deal with.

He then told me that he now was hoping for that job in a heart-clinic. That job is even further away from where I will move to… and I just know that he will not be happy in that job. But I can’t tell him what to do. I did tell him my thoughts, that I think it will get boring for him in a few weeks. But he’s head over heels about it and I let him. In the end he has to be happy about this. He’s going to look into it this coming week, so we shall see. But I’m pretty sure he’ll take the job, if he gets the offer.

So at some point he simply asked me “what do you want? I’ve never asked you what you want in all of this”. And I realised how true that was. I always did think about how things would get, but never wanted to put myself first. And still don’t. But I did tell him my worries about him moving even further away. When he’s still blind-sided about a Monday to Friday job and he would get to see me that much more. But he won’t. I’ve been there, I’ve done that. It’s not gonna happen as long as I’m still working shifts. And I also told him that I do not understand why he can’t move close to my new home. I knew he would not, but I did not understand. And for the first time he simply stated, that it was too expensive. And then I told him “well you’re going crazy when you don’t see me for 3 days now… so how is that gonna work out next year? When we won’t get to see each other for a week or 2?!” He didn’t say much to that. He knows it is true. But he is still blindly saying it will work, he’ll come to my place after work and whatever. But it is not gonna happen. He then all of a sudden said, he could apply for a job in a heart-clinic in my new city. And asked me if we’re going to make it the next 2 years. He’s terrified of our relationship taking its toll because of the distance and everything. And I am not worried about our relationship, just how hard it will get.

It’s just so upsetting. The up and down. And whenever I think he’s found something for him, he’s throwing it all overboard the next moment. I did search for another job close by in the studies I will be taking in, and have found one for November 2019 (they’re actually “booked out” for 2 years pretty much in the whole country). I told him that after some thinking and he looked surprised. I know he doesn’t really wanna do it, because he told me afterwards he’s going to apply to some more jobs in other areas. And it’s just so hard for me to see him do that, when I know he’s not gonna be happy. It all sounds appealing on paper: more money, structured day, no shifts. But it’s going to get boring, doing the same thing all day, every day. He’s already bored at his new place, because they don’t have as complicated patients as we did in our work place… so how’s that gonna end in a 8-5 job, doing the same thing all day?! But all he’s thinking about is earning a lot of money, to feed our future family, when I told him I’d rather have him happy, than have more money. Plus, it’s not like I don’t earn enough myself – I do earn good money, and will earn even more once I’m done with the studies. But it’s not going into his head. He wants to be the man. Whatever.

So I’m just struggling with life right now. It’s too much for me, and I just can’t do anything about it. I just want all of this to be over with. And in all this mess, I still need to search for a new flat and be ready for the biggest change in my life (moving out from home, moving out by myself, to a new city, I know nobody in).

I do really hate this right now.

met his family… at a funeral.

So we went to his parents – as mentioned – last Thursday. I wasn’t in the best mood on my birthday, but over the last few days, we talked about it and he said sorry about not turning up sooner on my birthday, and told me he would never leave me alone again on my birthday. He did not know, why I didn’t want to be alone and in the end I also got to know why he did show up this late: my birthday present arrived that morning *lol* he’s such a jerk sometimes. So no hard feelings left.

The last few days however have brought us closer back together again. Because of all the work and stress, we have been drifting away a little, and spending these 4 days together has really helped. We had 2x 8 hours drives to talk, and that’s what we do. I told him all about my father and that story, he told me about his family, since they argued again when we were there… there’s a lot of arguments in his family, and when he shouted at his dad, he said sorry afterwards and why I didn’t say anything to that. I explained that I have lived through this kind of family drama already, and was not ready to do it again, so I just left them with that.

I also met the rest of his big family on Friday. At the funeral of his grandma. Of course I wasn’t too happy about the situation and also didn’t know how everyone would react to see me at the funeral, but it was okay actually. They were really nice and talked to me. The funeral itself was hard. Even for me. I’d only seen her twice, and both times she had been terribly ill already, but losing someone is never easy. And when my boyfriend said that he was so glad I was just there for him, because it lent him strength,… I knew it was worth all the worries I had beforehand of not being liked by his family (which actually wasn’t the case at all).

His mother’s birthday was 2 days before mine, so we exchanged some gifts as well. She was so cute and I really really like her a lot. Just today I thought about how I never want to break up with him, even thinking about not seeing them again hurts me.  That’s so weird, because I never got along with the families of my exboyfriends. So I sent her a text message today to say thanks again for the gifts and the lovely time. I think she’s as happy as I am when we spend time together, even though it’s hard for my boyfriend. The family has a lot of issues, but still.. I know what it’s like. And him being so far away, is so hard on his parents especially. I know he wants to live his own life, but he gotta get up and moving at times.

So all is good. I’m very happy right now, even though it’s gonna be a tough month again (due to my work plan, and only having 4 days off till the end of November). But we’ll make it through.

the little things.

Sometimes the little things start to add up.

Don’t get me wrong. I am happy in this relationship. Even though it might not seem like it, because I’m grumbling a lot about things… I actually am. I have not yet seen any reason to end this relationship, even though it has not been easy at all in the last few weeks.

Today is my birthday. Tomorrow we’re driving to his parents (8hour drive), just because… we have been up there 3 weeks ago already, because his granny wasn’t too well. We had planned on going for a while, because his mom’s birthday was 2 days ago. Now there’s also the funeral to go to on Friday. All of this would not be a problem, but I’m just so done with always going a long way for him, and not getting things in return.
He asked me last week, whether we would drive there from my place, I said yes. He’s been off from his night shift today. At first he wanted to not sleep, when we talked about it last week and I said he should. I always thought he would come to my place afterwards, because he could sleep here as well. Well, it is now 10am, he’s not here and has texted me that he is finally in bed. He texted me a couple of hours ago that he’s on his way home. I already knew that “home” was not here. He never calls it that. And now I’m disappointed. He asked me to take the day off and I did. And now I’m sitting here on my birthday, all on my own without any plans, waiting for him to show up whenever (won’t be until late afternoon, I’ve known him too well for that). And it just sucks.

He’s a good one. He really is. He does a lot of little things for me, that I do appreciate but aren’t exactly what I need. But when it comes to the things I want, I get nothing. And don’t get me wrong, I am NOT angry or anything the like. I’m just disappointed to be sitting at home on my birthday, because I usually enjoy working at my birthday. But whatever. Now gotta get this day done with. Everyone is at work, so it’s not like I could ask anyone to get out with. Whatever.

And birthdays (just like Christmas and whatever) are always hard for me, because it makes it so obvious how stupid my father is (not have heard anything from him in like 12 years).

Happy birthday to me, yay.

P is back!

This is gonna be a short one:

Last Saturday I went out with my old school mates. And obviously we started talking about boys and stuff, since a lot has happened in the last 6 months since we’ve seen each other. Some have broken up from their boyfriends, others (me) have found someone to love. However, I did also talk about P.

There are no hard feelings left. Actually there are no feelings whatsoever. But guess how surprised I was to unlock my phone to a message of him today. He was trying to tease me, but I did not get down with it.
Not sure why he’s texting me. I think he knows I’m with my boyfriend now, since I have a picture of us as the profile picture. So I don’t know what he’s trying by this. I haven’t heard anything from him since June or July, when he was doing fireworks near my work place, and even then it was a short small talk. Otherwise I hadn’t heard from him since April. So why now?

I don’t know, but it’s funny to me.