Mr. Cucu

Mister Cucu is one of my best friends I once thought I was in love with. I met him on the internet in 2008 and we started dating early 2012, but it turned out to be not quite what I was looking for, so we simply stayed friends. But I still think he’d be the perfect man to be with. I cannot really explain our friendship to anyone, because we have a very special bond. In 2013 we also went on holidays together (just us) for the first time, and gone several times by now. He’s just my bestie. (2008)

love for Mr. Cucu

On a whole other note, and much more positive for once: Mr. Cucu.

I’m looking into holidays with him again in just 24 days. And I am so happy about it. I’m happy because I know we get along perfectly. That 2 weeks with him away from all the pain and stress at home, will be the perfect time-out. I’m so glad I decided to go, no matter what Alan had said back then. Because I would be completely lost now without Mr. Cucu.

My mom asked me today, why I had been calling him Mr. Cucu (she doesn’t even remember his real name) and I thought back to the good old days, when everything started. And then she had that look on her face. I know her well enough by now, to know what it means. It was the face of “oh my daughter is in love with that guy”. Which….

I’m not.

I mean. Every time something does go wrong in my love life, I do think that Mr. Cucu would be the perfect boyfriend (I actually always think about this). And today when I have been reading back on all the old posts about him, I had to chuckle a little bit. Little did I know 5 years ago, he would become such a big and important part of my life. Even back then, when he wasn’t that close to me, I knew how perfect he’d be and how terrified I was to actually lose him by trying to date him.
5 years later, and I’m still standing at the same exact spot. Our friendship has developed. He’s the best friend I could ever ask for. We have been talking about our breakups, our heartbreak, but still can be silly together. I have not once in my life had a fight with him. He never got on my nerves, even when we spent 24/7 together for 2 weeks. Not once. And I cannot say this about anyone else in my life.

We always are joking about getting married one day. I just wish I could really joke about it, and deep down not wish for it to come true. If I’d know I would not ruin our friendship, I would have long ago made a move on him. But I am absolutely terrified of losing him. And I guess that’s why – for the last 5+ years – I have been able to ignore my feelings – or whatever you may call them. I am not actually in love with him, but I also am not allowing myself to. I love him. I truly deeply love him from the bottom of my heart. But as a friend. And the wish to be able and love him as my boyfriend, has always and probably always will be there.

Just a few thoughts on that. Don’t know where that came from.

another argument

Last week Alan and I had another argument. Well, argument actually is the wrong wording. It was more of a discussion. I asked him whether it would be okay if I went to the movies with Mr. Cucu, because we had to plan our holidays together afterwards.

Short story behind all this: I asked him pretty much in the beginning of getting to know him whether it would be okay if I went on holidays with Mr. Cucu for 2 weeks in summer. He said that it was okay back then (about 1 month ago). When I mentioned the holidays again last week, he asked whether Mr. Cucu had a girlfriend or not. I said “not that I know of”. He was just like “okay”, so I knew something was up.

I told him once more that if he wasn’t okay with me going on holidays with Mr. Cucu, he should let me know now, not once we’ve booked everything. He said that it didn’t bother him, he just has never been in that situation before. When I asked once more he said “I don’t want to ruin your holidays, but if you’re staying in the same room…… it’s not like I don’t trust you, it’s just weird for me.”

I tried to explain to him that I totally do understand his point of view and that I would not be okay if the situation were reversed. But also that Mr. Cucu was more like a brother to me, that we never cuddled or anything the like (which is true.. Although there once has been a time when I wanted to date him, this has long been gone. I actually never could have imagined actually kissing him, even during that time). He then just said “well there are rooms with twin beds, right?”

But somehow it just didn’t felt like we were done yet, so I said once more that I would understand if he told me not to go on holidays with him. He said “I already told you how I think about this. I trust you and I am not going to forbid anything, it’s just a weird situation for me.” I once more explained that I would not be angry and I did not see it as “forbidding”, that I wouldn’t have asked if I wouldn’t have changed a thing, right? I would have just said “I’m going on holidays with Mr. Cucu, I don’t give a fuck whether it bothers you” (pretty much like I did with Stan…) So he was saying that he didn’t want to intervene into this friendship. But that he would be okay, if he knew that we had a “healthy distance” and would not sleep in the same bed. That’s when I told him he should meet Mr. Cucu and see how we’re dealing with each other.

We did not talk about it again afterwards,… I did tell him that I wanted to talk about it again, until I actually had the feeling that he was okay with it. This hasn’t happened yet, BUT he has met Mr. Cucu last weekend and to me it felt like they were getting along. They will not become best friends, but they seem okay. So I’ll have to ask him again how he feels about the situation.

It’s really weird for me, to actually talk things out and not shout at each other and have no understanding whatsoever (like things went with Stan each time we argued). It’s great to actually have someone understanding and loving. That’s how it should have been all along, right?!

Offtopic: What was really cute and surprising: he actually remembered the date when we first met (I didn’t know by heart). We were talking about which day to take as our anniversary day (because let’s be honest, Valentine’s day sucks as an anniversary day) and I said we could take the day we met. But who cares really?! As long as we stay together 🙂

unexpected things do happen!

You will not believe what happened last night!

After I went to bed and being happy with the day I spent with Mr. Cucu, I woke up refreshed and more or less happy. I am so grateful for the friendship with Mr. Cucu and have been thinking about a relationship with him again. Something has shifted between us, I’m not sure if I’m just reading too much into the little things, but I have been at that stage before. There never was much personal stuff from his side. But he has asked me to his flat several times now and also tells me how much he misses to go on holidays with me. We rarely text when we feel down, which is weird for our friendship. Yet I know he’s always there. He also – for the first time – talked about his ex-girlfriend with me yesterday. So you know. It’s hard to describe our friendship, but I appreciate him.

Anyway.
I saw that my mobile phone was blinking when I woke up this morning and didn’t think much of it. Once I unlocked it, I saw that someone had messaged me on facebook. Still didn’t think much of it, because.. well it’s facebook, you know. Usually not much use.
Now, this is gonna sound very weird and stupid. But I did believe Crush would message me one day. And he did!
20160626_103432I just didn’t think he was that kind of guy to just ignore me or play with me. He was a genuinely nice guy and although he might have told other girls cute names, I just didn’t think he would play around like this. He is special, I felt it. So that probably was the reason why I was so sad about him not answering in the first place. Because I didn’t truly expect him to.
I still do not know why he never showed up when I left, but I won’t ask him either. The message he sent me is more than enough for me to be happy for now. “I wish that we meet again” was this wonderful sentence that totally made my day at 9am in the morning. Maybe he just said that because of my blabbering on and love-confession I sent him 2 weeks ago. Maybe he just didn’t want to disappoint me and that’s why he said that. I’ll never know. I don’t get my hopes up, but this is a very cute message.

So, I am happy. No, I still don’t believe in a fairytale, but it’s great to know that I have not all of a sudden vanished from his mind 🙂

update on my mind

My blog posts have been all over the place lately. And so has my mind. Today however I feel better in general. I have found some peace at last. I’m not great, but dealing okay.

Firstly, I am so occupied with work, that I don’t have a lot of time to think about what happened or is happening. When I get home, I’m usually so tired I go to sleep or just get busy with playing games on my phone to switch my mind off things. Maybe that’s a bad way to not deal with my emotions, but right now it’s the only way I can handle.
Sure, I am still sad about how things went these last few weeks. I did hope I could keep in contact with the guys from the animation team, but I also knew deep down that it would be very difficult and it needed to be both sided. Which it obviously wasn’t. However, I am doing a lot better than I thought I would be at that time. Maybe it’s just the realisation. Life goes on, and so do I. It’s sad, because I really felt like Crush was special, but whatever. Also it doesn’t take a lot to get me back to sad-state, as I’m friends with most of them on facebook and whenever pictures pop up with them, it makes me sad.
Example: Lex uploaded a picture with a few guys today. It made me realise that he might have just wanted to get in my pants, like it was probably his plan all along and then I ask myself with how many girls he’s slept with ever since. But I need to shut my brain off when it comes to these kind of things. It was just sex. Just sex.

Secondly, I have come to a point where I just take life day by day. I try not to think about the future too much and just take one step at a time right now. I can’t change the future – well, yes I can, but you get me, right? So what is there in for me to nag about things I can’t change right now? If life wants me to get away, I will go in less than 2 years. If it doesn’t, there will be a damn good reason not to.

Thirdly, although I wanted to be left alone most of the time the last few weeks, simply because I feel like my friends don’t give a shit… I went out with Mr. Cucu tonight. Although I was so annoyed because I was stuck in traffic for 45minutes and had a headache when I arrived, as soon as I saw and hugged him, I was all good again. He’s just a guy that can keep my mind off things and I love him for that. I truly do. He invited me over to his place and we talked for over an hour and I just miss him being closer to my home. But he’s great. He really is.
I just feel let down from my other friends for several reasons. I did tell a few about my emotions, and yes, they listened and tried to give me hope and advice. But as soon as that conversation was done (like 2 weeks ago) there was never a question back if I was better by now. And that’s when I feel like they don’t care, so I won’t talk to them anymore. For example, I haven’t seen my girl-“best friend” in about 6-7 months. Probably even more. It actually was right before Stan broke up with me. So that’s been ages.
Yes, she has asked me to meet several times, but you know how one feels if she’s like “I’m writing my master thesis, I moved in with my boyfriend, I got new kittens, I work, I am so busy blahblahblah.” And then when she’s like done with everything, and all of a sudden I need to make time for her, because.. well she’s ready now? I don’t like this kind of behaviour and that’s why I never actually made time for her anymore. She didn’t even tell me about moving in with her boyfriend until 1 week before they moved. Seriously?

I’m still on Tinder, and have met some guys on there. However, after reading Hookup Cultures post today, I realised that I am not ready to date. I like the attention, yes. But as soon as there is one tiny detail a guy has, I find a reason not to date him. I have been like this ever since I broke up with Momo… and even with Momo I feel like, I could have worked through these issues. But oh well, it’s the way it is right now. And I don’t really care about dating right now anyway.

If it ever happens, that’s alright, if it doesn’t, it’s alright as well.

I miss my ex.

I was going on a walk today, which usually makes me think a lot about my past and present. And I started missing Momo. But let me explain further:

I have been feeling very lonely as of late – you know that already. Not in the sense that I do not love myself or cannot entertain myself – I actually can – I just feel sort of left out… for lack of better words.
Ever since I finished my apprenticeship and changed my job, my circle of friends has once more changed completely. I have never been that girl to always have the same group of friends for a long time, it has changed over time about 5-6 times since puberty. A few friends have come along ever since, but not as a group – if you know what I mean. I do have close friends – such as Mr. Cucu – when I need them, they are there. But I don’t have those friends to hang out with every weekend, like a normal 25yo-girl does. Like.. a group of friends, a clique if you will so. I usually sit at home on weekends. And don’t get me wrong, I’m okay being home most of the time, I just sometimes miss the opportunity to just text someone and a group of friends can hang out by the sea or whatever. Or just go to a certain place, I know everyone hangs out at. Just a opportunity to not feel lonely, if that makes any sense.

I was passing so many guys my age that were going to the beach with their friends today, it made me realise how lonely I actually am… and how different, I guess. I do have friends, and I probably could text them and they would gladly hang out with me. The thing is… 90% of my friends are in relationships, and I don’t like to be the 3rd wheel. The other 10% are just genuinely not interested in the same things as me, so I don’t really want to hang out with them all the time – or actually they mostly have their own group of friends and I feel awkward to ask.

I just miss having those friends to see on a regular basis. And not just once a month, like I do with Mr. Cucu (which is mainly because he lives a 2-hour drive away). Because I once was in a circle of friends who did this. And I can’t really get back into one just like that.. and that’s why I mainly miss Momo. When it wasn’t just the two of us, we would usually hang out with his friends or go out and I really liked that we could just go and have a BBQ with them every weekend. The same people, every week. I didn’t feel left out, or different.

I miss having someone to be with me every day. Someone to text. Someone to bother. Someone I can text when something silly or funny happened. Because right now I usually text no-one or just a different person considering the situation each time.
And I feel like I can’t just wait for a boyfriend to show up and bring me into a new group of friends. But then, what can I do? I’m not really outgoing and as I said most of my friends are in relationships and have couple-dates.

But whatever. The time will come. Somewhen.

Mr. worst & Mr. Perfect

I am finally at a place I want Stan out of my life. Completely. I threw away his plush animals he gave me and will clean out my drawer with the memories I put aside, because I wanted to be reminded of what we had. Now I don’t, and I know I never want to again. I want to actually erase him from my head, because remembering what he gave me, was nothing but pain and misery. He does not deserve one more thought, and yet he is still on my mind way too much. He is a waste of breath and time. So I will get rid of him as much as I can. I have deleted our pictures and messages, screenshots I had and just everything on my phone I had left of him. Now I will clean out my drawer of the trips we took and everything else. This man needs to be gone.

On a positive note though: I went out with Mr. Cucu again today and just realised once more how much of a perfect man he would be. But it’s weird, because I have no idea what I am to him. I call him my best friend, and don’t even know what he thinks of me? I know I am important to him or he wouldn’t have spent 4 weeks of his life with me. But we rarely talk about personal stuff, yet get along so perfectly. I just told my mom, how I have never been mad at Mr. Cucu, we never argued. He’s just a perfect friend. I wish I could have a relationship with someone like him, THAT would be perfect.

the aftermath for myself. | tears.

I am struggling a lot more than I thought I would. It’s okay as long as I am busy – as always. Normal behaviour.

I went out with Mr. Cucu yesterday. I hadn’t seen him for 3 months – we last seen each other shortly before I met Stan and then Stan didn’t allow me to go out with him. I realised how much I missed Mr. Cucu when I saw him yesterday. Just being able to sit next to each other, no need to talk and yet being so close. No awkward silence like with Stan. I love this guy – in a platonic way, do not worry. I didn’t miss my friends too much in these 3 months – or so I thought – because I always had people to talk to at work. I had colleagues my age, I could talk to. So I didn’t really miss out on the gossip and everything else. But I realised this when I got back to my friends now.

By the way. A friend asked me if Mr. Cucu is going to be my next boyfriend and I said I am not going to have a boyfriend for a looong long time, yet I do miss a boyfriend already like crazy. I miss being cuddled and kissed, I miss the text messages I receive all day long.. I miss being loved. I miss the sneaky kisses or the looks you share. I miss meeting family and spending time with the little ones. I just miss Stan, to be honest. I don’t want to share this with anyone else right now.

I remembered all the good times I had with Mr. Cucu on holidays and started to get a very awful remorse. I had postponed every date we had for 3 entire months. Who even does that to his best friend? I’m such a bad friend.
However. We went to the movies to watch Inside Out. We both had expected this to be quite a funny movie. I don’t know whether it’s really been the movie or just the state of mind I’m currently in, but I had tears in my eyes several times thinking about Stan. Being sad. I found this movie sad. Was it only me?… I guess so.
I do miss him terribly, I am not going to lie to myself again. I am at the edge of tears a lot, although I know think that he is not the right one for me.

But…

Unlike what I said yesterday, his last message started to hurt me a lot over the last 48 hours. The more I thought about it, the more it hurt to know that he was thinking about me like that. That he really hated me, and that he thinks I’m worthless. I have tried to do all the right things for 3 months, I showed him feelings I didn’t even know I had and gave him my everything and yet he claims me to be worthless. That I did so much wrong. I know he said it to hurt me, and that I reacted the opposite because I knew of that. But my brain is wicked and I started to believe him. I woke up several times last night, first of all thinking about him. What he was doing or how he is. Whether he is in tears as well or if he really is not hurt at all. I do not know, and I know I should not text him. So far I haven’t. I know there’s no reason to do so, he has finished this in a cruel way and there’s no reason for me to ask for an explanation. I will not get one.

What I struggle with the most, is not to justify myself. I have never let myself be treated like this – and I did it for 3 months. Even when my boss did me wrong, I would justify myself and tell him how I thought about it. Not doing this for his last message took me a lot of strength and willpower, because I know how wrong he is. But it won’t change anything if I did. If he thinks like this about me, then he really did not know me at all. And if he really does think this of me, then it’s better we broke up – or I would have never been enough or given enough to him.
Now I try to remember all the good things he’s said to me. The times when he told me how big of a heart I have, and that he has never fallen so deeply in love like he did with me. What a wonderful woman I am and that he wants to have a family with me. He once said that if we broke up, he would want a girl just like me- just one that doesn’t need as much alone-time as me, else I was perfect for him.
But then the doubts arise and I remember how many times he lied to me and I never could take apart which one was a lie and which one was the truth. Maybe he always thought I was worthless? Maybe he didn’t. I will never know. And knowing that he will not ever talk to me again, probably hurts the most of all. I did say to my mom that this is the hardest part for me. Knowing I can never find real closure when not talking about what went wrong or how he really thinks about me, once we have gotten over this relationship. Because that’s what I always needed and did with every ex-boyfriend. I want to know what he really thinks of me, and if there would have been a chance. But I will never know.

I’m in tears again, and I don’t even think he is worth it right now. Not for the way he treated me. But yet, here I am, crying once more… not even wanting to get over him. This sucks. Big time.