Honestly. Sometimes I hate people. As I’ve told you guys many times before, I post on lyf several times a day. There are very nice people on there, helping you at any time of the day, which is perfect. Especially for my very low days when I feel depressed and think about self-harming.
There are also a lot of very close-minded people. Let me state an example:
I posted last night, that P had been drunk again. He texted me at 11pm saying that he was getting drunk. I didn’t know how to feel about it, so I wrote a post. He had said in the beginning of our “relationship” that he was not a big drinker himself (since I don’t drink), but he has been drunk 3 times (the ones I know of) since we last saw each other (5 weeks). It’s reasonable really, he was on parties and what not. He is now on a trip abroad, and it’s totally fine to drink. It’s not like I never drink, sometimes I get drunk myself without any reason. But it was making me feel weird nonetheless (or should I say worried?). On the other side he thought of me even in that state, which is saying something as well, right?!
So I posted exactly about this situation and that I was wondering, whether it might be a reason he does not want to date me no more (although he never said so! I was right back into the negative thoughts then – am better again now), because I’m not a very outgoing person. One girl commented on “maybe he lied to you and he is a drinker? You can always just have one or two beers to be happy and not wasted!” This really upset me for several reasons: Who is she to judge someone she doesn’t even know? I get it, she was lied to and doesn’t trust people. But so have I. I mean my mom has been lying to me for the last 16 years, I do have trust issues myself. I get it. But you can’t just reflect the behaviour of some people onto others, that have never gave you any reason to mistrust them!
If someone is as straight-forward as P has been so far, I do not believe he’s lying to me. He wouldn’t have said half the things he did, because he knew I didn’t want to hear them. Someone like that doesn’t lie about these things. And he didn’t even say he doesn’t drink! He just said he was not a big drinker. Maybe he’s having a period of time he drinks more. Even I do have these times. Of course it got me musing whether it was a reason why he didn’t like me (which obviously is wrong as well, since he stated he does like me indeed). But that’s just bullshit and I need to find back into the right mindset I got these last few days.
As for an update about the last few days. I have found my fighting-spirit. He may have not replied with a “let’s meet then and then”, and I knew he wouldn’t. He just replied with our “one year abstinence”-joke, as not to have to reply to my question. But I knew he would.
But as I said, I then realised, why just wait for him without doing things?! I need to let him know what he’s missing out on. Because I know we do match, he just doesn’t allow his feelings right now. So when I went out for dinner on Thursday and was feeling cute, I took a picture and sent it to him (I never did before, I’m not keen on taking selfies). To that I got a heart-eye-shaped emoji, which he doesn’t often use. I also dreamt of him that night (he was the topic of the evening, so I was intensively thinking about our situation). I told him about the dream: I saw him next to a swimming pool and ignored him, since I knew he didn’t want to see me. He just said that it’s my way to cope with what is “occupying” me on the day. He knows I think about it a lot. But he didn’t suggest a meeting. And I have a strong feeling I won’t see him before I leave for holidays in a week. Which is okay.
Yesterday was the first time we texted again like we used to. A lot of funny chattering, he kept the conversation up, when it came to a stall and so on. I then said “I need to tell you something”, which has been on my mind a lot, but I knew it was stupid to tell him. When I didn’t text straight away he was like “you hate me?”… you know, he is thinking about us and I think he’s scared I’ll walk away. Of course that’s once again just reading a lot into things that are not actually there… but there are little signs that tell me he does care about me. More than he wants to.
I then told him about how we could meet as friends, since I have a cold sore and therefore wasn’t allowed to kiss him anyway. He didn’t say much to it (apart from “euwww, I’ve never had a cold sore before!”). He also stated that’s what ‘you get from putting your tongue into everything’. I know he wasn’t trying to be mean, but he always is pointing towards me kissing and sleeping with everyone, has been right from the beginning. I know there’s some jealousy speaking from within him, so I just said “well, I know by now that you’re not thinking very well of me!” He said that this was not true, to which I didn’t reply anymore. I was mad. I wanted him to know what it feels like to not be replied to when it’s important to solve things. But it’s just not me, so last night I told him to enjoy the weekend abroad.
Once more, he could’ve simply said “thanks” and the conversation would be over, like it had been so many times over the last few weeks. But he asked what I currently was doing. That’s how he told me that he was out drinking. I didn’t say anything about it, just stating that I was going away this weekend as well (since he obviously thinks I sit at home to mourn him).
If he needs to be treated like this, so he realises what he’s losing: so be it. I know that if we see each other, he has to open up again, and I think that is one main reason he doesn’t want to see me. He’s afraid of his feelings – or he knows about them, and is not ready to deal with them I guess. But I can let him know without seeing him. And as I’m sure my friends I’m going on holidays with, will take a LOT of pictures and putting them on facebook, he’ll see I can have fun without him as well. I’m not the lonely, sad girl sitting at home every weekend at all.
This is so not me. I am not one to make someone feel “bad” (it’s not actually bad, right?), to make them realise things. But it seems like it is working on him, since he has been much more talkative the last few days – or our conversation from Tuesday has done that. I don’t know.
Like, after I sent that picture of myself and I got his response, I didn’t reply all day. Maybe my non-availabilty is making him understand. I do not know. It could also go very wrong, I am well aware of that. But we’ll see. As always.
Until next time…