couple

liar?!

Honestly. Sometimes I hate people. As I’ve told you guys many times before, I post on lyf several times a day. There are very nice people on there, helping you at any time of the day, which is perfect. Especially for my very low days when I feel depressed and think about self-harming.

But.

There are also a lot of very close-minded people. Let me state an example:
I posted last night, that P had been drunk again. He texted me at 11pm saying that he was getting drunk. I didn’t know how to feel about it, so I wrote a post. He had said in the beginning of our “relationship” that he was not a big drinker himself (since I don’t drink), but he has been drunk 3 times (the ones I know of) since we last saw each other (5 weeks). It’s reasonable really, he was on parties and what not. He is now on a trip abroad, and it’s totally fine to drink. It’s not like I never drink, sometimes I get drunk myself without any reason. But it was making me feel weird nonetheless (or should I say worried?). On the other side he thought of me even in that state, which is saying something as well, right?!

So I posted exactly about this situation and that I was wondering, whether it might be a reason he does not want to date me no more (although he never said so! I was right back into the negative thoughts then – am better again now), because I’m not a very outgoing person. One girl commented on “maybe he lied to you and he is a drinker? You can always just have one or two beers to be happy and not wasted!” This really upset me for several reasons: Who is she to judge someone she doesn’t even know? I get it, she was lied to and doesn’t trust people. But so have I. I mean my mom has been lying to me for the last 16 years, I do have trust issues myself. I get it. But you can’t just reflect the behaviour of some people onto others, that have never gave you any reason to mistrust them!
If someone is as straight-forward as P has been so far, I do not believe he’s lying to me. He wouldn’t have said half the things he did, because he knew I didn’t want to hear them. Someone like that doesn’t lie about these things. And he didn’t even say he doesn’t drink! He just said he was not a big drinker. Maybe he’s having a period of time he drinks more. Even I do have these times. Of course it got me musing whether it was a reason why he didn’t like me (which obviously is wrong as well, since he stated he does like me indeed). But that’s just bullshit and I need to find back into the right mindset I got these last few days.

As for an update about the last few days. I have found my fighting-spirit. He may have not replied with a “let’s meet then and then”, and I knew he wouldn’t. He just replied with our “one year abstinence”-joke, as not to have to reply to my question. But I knew he would.
But as I said, I then realised, why just wait for him without doing things?! I need to let him know what he’s missing out on. Because I know we do match, he just doesn’t allow his feelings right now. So when I went out for dinner on Thursday and was feeling cute, I took a picture and sent it to him (I never did before, I’m not keen on taking selfies). To that I got a heart-eye-shaped emoji, which he doesn’t often use. I also dreamt of him that night (he was the topic of the evening, so I was intensively thinking about our situation). I told him about the dream: I saw him next to a swimming pool and ignored him, since I knew he didn’t want to see me. He just said that it’s my way to cope with what is “occupying” me on the day. He knows I think about it a lot. But he didn’t suggest a meeting. And I have a strong feeling I won’t see him before I leave for holidays in a week. Which is okay.

Yesterday was the first time we texted again like we used to. A lot of funny chattering, he kept the conversation up, when it came to a stall and so on. I then said “I need to tell you something”, which has been on my mind a lot, but I knew it was stupid to tell him. When I didn’t text straight away he was like “you hate me?”… you know, he is thinking about us and I think he’s scared I’ll walk away. Of course that’s once again just reading a lot into things that are not actually there… but there are little signs that tell me he does care about me. More than he wants to.
I then told him about how we could meet as friends, since I have a cold sore and therefore wasn’t allowed to kiss him anyway. He didn’t say much to it (apart from “euwww, I’ve never had a cold sore before!”). He also stated that’s what ‘you get from putting your tongue into everything’. I know he wasn’t trying to be mean,  but he always is pointing towards me kissing and sleeping with everyone, has been right from the beginning. I know there’s some jealousy speaking from within him, so I just said “well, I know by now that you’re not thinking very well of me!” He said that this was not true, to which I didn’t reply anymore. I was mad. I wanted him to know what it feels like to not be replied to when it’s important to solve things. But it’s just not me, so last night I told him to enjoy the weekend abroad.

Once more, he could’ve simply said “thanks” and the conversation would be over, like it had been so many times over the last few weeks. But he asked what I currently was doing. That’s how he told me that he was out drinking. I didn’t say anything about it, just stating that I was going away this weekend as well (since he obviously thinks I sit at home to mourn him).
If he needs to be treated like this, so he realises what he’s losing: so be it. I know that if we see each other, he has to open up again, and I think that is one main reason he doesn’t want to see me. He’s afraid of his feelings – or he knows about them, and is not ready to deal with them I guess. But I can let him know without seeing him. And as I’m sure my friends I’m going on holidays with, will take a LOT of pictures and putting them on facebook, he’ll see I can have fun without him as well. I’m not the lonely, sad girl sitting at home every weekend at all.

This is so not me. I am not one to make someone feel “bad” (it’s not actually bad, right?), to make them realise things. But it seems like it is working on him, since he has been much more talkative the last few days –  or our conversation from Tuesday has done that. I don’t know.
Like, after I sent that picture of myself and I got his response, I didn’t reply all day. Maybe my non-availabilty is making him understand. I do not know. It could also go very wrong, I am well aware of that. But we’ll see. As always.

Until next time…

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variables.

I just read an article about how to make relationships last and a quote popped up:

The sheer amount of variables that come into play when you enter into a relationship guarantees that nothing is ever going to go the way you thought it would.

I guess you all know what comes now. Yes, I could relate to this instantly. On a very deep level.

When I think back to the beginning of when I met Paraplegic (in 4 days it’ll be 2 months ago), I wasn’t even interested in him. After our first date however, that changed completely. I told him how much I missed him and he told me that it was no good to precipitate things. So I tried not to. But I didn’t actually understand the whole concept of not precipitating things. I still wanted him around 24/7 and was going crazy when I didn’t see him once a week or couldn’t text him all day long. I was devastated when he didn’t text daily and thought he was leaving me. When he cancelled our date because of his parents (now that I look back on it, I am so glad he had that day with them, before his father passed away only 10 days later), I was devastated I wouldn’t see him in over 7 days. At least. But of course I didn’t bother him too much about it.
Then our weekend together happened. I was on cloud 9, over the moon. I could not believe that I could be as lucky as to have found someone that is truly appreciative of me and is such a caring and loving person. I was not eager to ever let him go or slip out of my hands. I remember wanting to see him Sunday evening again, since I had to leave early that day. Had I known what would happen only 3 days later, I probably would have gone back, even when it was crazy. But I am also very glad we had that weekend to make myself see him in a way I saw him. That he told me he enjoyed the time with me and gave me lots of butterflies to remember. Otherwise I might not be where I am today.

Then, 13th September, he told me that his father had passed away. And everything changed in an instant.

I haven’t seen him in 4 weeks (as of today). I didn’t think I could make it that far and have stated so in several posts up until this point.
Going back to that quote from the beginning: I would have never thought something like a death could happen and would drive us apart. But then again, I think it was also meant to be a lesson for me. Because now I cannot precipitate things. It does make me really wait for him and give him the time he needs. It made me understand that sometimes you can’t rush things..

As you all know, I have always been one to rush into relationships, head over heels. I was glad P told me right from the beginning not to do that, because it already gave me another look on the whole concept. Now that this happened, I had to take a step back. Not just playing it cool, but actually living it. And here I am: still fine.
Of course there are days when worries come up and I fear him leaving, ghosting me or rather not coming back. But most days I am okay. I trust in him coming back when he’s ready. Whether that’d be weeks or months from now.
His father’s passing was a lesson for me: to wait, even without the constant reassurance I usually need. Right now I just trust in my heart and my gut-feeling, without any signs from his side. And I think this is a hard but very valuable lesson for me to learn. Wait and stick around, even when it’s hard. Even when things don’t seem bright and shiny, but that I can trust in words I heard weeks before. That I need not give in into the bad thoughts I sometimes have, but trust in what he’s told me, what he’s made me feel before and what my feeling is telling me.
If he comes back and this turns into a relationship, I have no doubt we will start from a very strong ground and bonding. Even though he still doesn’t let me in or talks about his feelings very much, I know that he trusts me and knows I am here for him.

I have learnt to believe in something new. Something that I have not experienced before and therefore was very sceptical about: my (gut) feeling. That I need to believe in something that might not be around right now, but may very well come.
I need to believe in my strength, in my feelings and most importantly – in myself. Things will turn out like they have to, whether that’d be with or without him, I cannot say. Of course I do want him in my life, because I have never had such a strong feeling about someone (not in a sense of love, because it would be too early to say that, but in someone being good for me). None of my past experiences should allow me to believe in him coming back, because every single person I ever loved have left when things got hard. Yet here I am, believing P will come back. Yes, there’s always that little voice telling me to give up. But I am not. As long as P doesn’t actively push me away or tells me I should get lost, I will keep believing in him coming back – however hard it may be at times.

I can do this.

still waiting…

I think the hardest part for me apart from not talking to him in person, is when he doesn’t start any sort of conversation by text. I looked back on our texts and it was mostly me starting a conversation and if he did text me first that day, it was usually because he hadn’t replied to something the day before. He never has been a big communicator by text, so I know this is one of the reasons.. but still. At least he’s gotten back to his usual emojis. Didn’t realise how much it bothered me when he wouldn’t use a heart-kissy-emoji until I got them again.

The day before yesterday I had sent him a funny picture, he did reply… but then that was it. I left him be, but since I didn’t hear anything from him at all yesterday, I sent him the solution to some crosswords he usually does when he’s at work (he’s off on Monday’s and Friday’s). He did say thank you, but then again no more conversation.
One part of me wants to start up a conversation, because I don’t want him to drift away. Another part thinks that he should start one as well, if he’s interested in me. He shouldn’t feel obliged to talk to me, just because I start every conversation. Does that make any sense to you? Or is it just in my head again?!
I really don’t know what to do in these kind of times. Right now I have a lot to do for school, so it’s not that big of a deal. I’m stressed out anyway and am a ball of emotions, that easily bursts. And it’s not like I’m bored and thinking of him constantly. But once Wednesday is over, I know I will be in trouble again, because there’s nothing to get my mind off these things anymore.

I had hoped he would feel better by now, but then again it’s only been 2.5 weeks and it will take him much longer. I also don’t want to rush him or anything, since I know it takes a looong time to grieve and also he’s the one not allowing himself to feel bad – which just makes it worse in my opinion.
I probably will ask to see him again by the end of next week, even if it’s just for a couple of hours. I haven’t seen him in a month by then, when we met weekly before.
I do need some sort of reassurance he’s not pushing me away or at least just get a feeling how he’s treating me now – or if there are any emotions left towards me. Really, I have no idea if any of this makes sense, I’m all over the place.

Right now it does feel like he’s pushing me away. But I’m trying hard not to give into these bad thoughts, since I have no idea what is going on inside his head. I wish he would let me in, but I can’t force him into anything. But I told him I would wait and so I do.

Give me strength to do so.

“anniversary”

Today marks 1 month since Paraplegic has messaged me on Tinder. It is amazing to me, because it feels that much longer. On the other hand on Thursday marks 3 weeks since we first saw each other and this feels much shorter to me. I guess that’s mainly because usually I see my crushes several times a week, because I miss them so much and am super attached. But he has held me at bay and I actually think it’s a good thing. We’ve seen each other 3 times in those 3 weeks (with the sleepover of 2 days though), but we also don’t text like all day every day. We usually have a short conversation in the evening, but are very sporadically talking over the day – which I have never experienced before if I’m being honest. And I think that’s what made such a huge difference. There aren’t many misunderstandings, because of written words, because.. well we simply don’t talk that much in text form.

Also a friend of mine today called him my boyfriend and I told her not to do so. We are just dating (are we? I guess we are…) and not talking about any serious relationship stuff yet. Of course, we’ve slept together and we both are usually one’s to wait longer. But it seems to have worked for the time being and I don’t think we will be official any time soon. And you know what? I am actually good with it. I have come to terms with waiting for him to make that move.
Someone also asked me how long I plan on waiting until I have “the talk”. And I said “until he starts it”. I am not going to start that talk, because he told me not to precipitate (or rather that he doesn’t want to precipitate). And I won’t. I am totally fine with how things are for now. Of course there are times when I wonder whether he’s even interested and my self-conciousness kicks in… but I’m just trying to ignore these voices.

He has not told me he likes me yet, but has showed me in different ways. Then again, I can’t tell whether it’s platonic or not. But I’m just going with the flow and it works for both of us. I am not planning on rushing anything. I do want to do everything right, since he seems to be such a good match for me, plus it seems to be good training for me not to get everything whenever I want. Patience is key, and I do need to learn this.
I am of course afraid of doing things wrong – which usually is the case when I’m rushing things. So I am very glad he can actually somewhat control me.

Oh, I also wasn’t sure whether I was allowed to already ask when to meet next. So when we were fooling around last night, I simply asked when I would get my next “all inclusive treatment”. He didn’t take it seriously though (or purposely ignored it), so I didn’t get an answer. I just said “won’t ask again then, since I know I’m bugging you”. He was saying something fun about it. I don’t know. I’ll wait till he suggests a date again, although if I’m being honest it does drive me a bit crazy to wait.

Well, this post was pretty pointless, but whatever.

date #3 | part 1.

It’s funny how things can turn around just like that. As I mentioned in my last post, he told me to shut up more or less. I didn’t text him again, but of course wasn’t very happy about his choice of words (or lack thereof). Well, the next morning I got a “hello sexy beast” (referring to the picture I had sent him to which he told me to hold my mouth closed). So I knew all was good again and I had been overreacting. I was so glad I didn’t tell him anything. He also told me, he does think I’m sexy, just not on that photoshopped picture – which was the first straightforward compliment ever!

Anyway.
He then messaged me Friday around noon, asking whether I was coming over to his place that night. This caught me somewhat off guard, since – yes I did suggest this early in the week, but – he always talked about looking forward to Saturday. So I told him that I hadn’t expected it, but that I would very happily go over. He then was all sappy going “it’s too late now, you don’t want to see me blahblah”. I knew he was fooling around so I was joining the game, saying it was his loss to miss out on a sexy beast (I do in no way think of myself as that!). Well, he texted me back at like 6.30pm saying he was home now and I was welcome to come over whenever. Gotcha!

So I did indeed go over. I was at his place at 8.30pm. I have never been in that area before, so I was quite nervous whether I would find his house at all (I hate driving to new places, even more so at night). I did find his house, but didn’t know where to park, so I texted him asking. A neighbour of his was already looking at me weirdly, so I was hoping he’d reply quickly. He came out the door and told me where to park. When I got out of the car, I didn’t go in for a hug, since the last time at IKEA he reacted a bit distant. Well, surprise: he gave me a welcome kiss.

At first I had planned on leaving my sleeping stuff in the car, as not to take the option of sleeping at home away. I didn’t know what he was planning. But once I was there and got a kiss, I knew I’d stay the night.
So he showed me around the house, I was trying hard to become friends with his 3 cats, but found out soon enough they were psychos (however one of them got all cuddley over the course of 2 days *spoiler*).

Well yeah. We then went for a little walk on the mountain (after driving like crazy and him asking again and again whether I was fine driving) and he was all cuddly again. There wasn’t much to see, since it was night and dark. But it was a cute thought of him either way.
Like I’ve said before, I love the time spent with him, because then I know he actually likes me. When we got home again, we watched a horror movie. Or well, at least started it but it was all weird and boring. After a while he asked whether we should go to bed (it was like 12.30am by then). By this point I was a bit unsure about our “status” since he wasn’t as cuddly as I had expected whilst watching that movie. So I told him (as a joke!) that no I was going home to sleep. His face was priceless, so I knew he actually wanted me to spend the night.

And so I did.

To be continued…

emotionally unstable

Do you guys ever have those days you just take everything personally? I don’t know why, but I am super emotional today. Actually just this evening, so that upsets me even more, because I felt good all day long.

Last night Paraplegic and I settled for another date on Saturday. As I mentioned in my last post the date from Sunday was cancelled due to other plans of his and he said he has reserved the next weekend for me. I told him I was off school on Friday already, but he’s probably busy so we’ll more likely will see each other on Saturday. He once more told me that he’s looking forward to the date (which he always does).

Then I didn’t get any messages for 16 hours. I honestly have gotten used to this, and didn’t really bother about his silence. He then sent me a link to an event this Thursday close to his home. I asked what he wanted to tell me with this and he said “just to show how lovely my home is”. Oh well.
On our last date we solved some crosswords and Sudokus at 12am, when he told me he does that every day so he can win stuff. As he was working from home yesterday I took the newspaper and sent him the solutions. So today I asked again if he’s had the time to get them and solve and he was like “not yet, you know… some people gotta work”. I know this hit me somewhere it shouldn’t have, so I knew I was already a bit off in taking this personally, because I know he didn’t mean to. So I told him I just wanted to be helpful and he was making fun of me for this. I then said I was done playing nice and he just sent me a emoji that said goodbye.
My first thought was “well, he gives up quite easily”. Of course I know he’s not a “give-uper”. He’s been in a wheelchair for 2 months and had to relearn to walk, he definitely is not one to simply give up. But am I important enough to stick around? I’m so scared he will leave for whatever reason. I really am worried about him not being interested. So I can’t wait till I see him again, because whenever we are together physically, I never get any of these thoughts. But I gotta wait another 4 days, so that’s making me insane.

I can do this. Just need to calm the fuck down. So going to bed early today. Maybe I’m just emotional because of lack of sleep. Or rather because I haven’t had any decent sleep for the last 2 weeks, even if I’m going to bed early I simply can not fall asleep. This just sucks.

Date #2

This will be a short one, because I am not on my computer, so excuse the typos.

I have just returned from date number 2 with paraplegic and I am beyond happy. We’ve had so much fun today, but also some serious conversations about life and I am just so glad he has the same opinions.

We settled to meet at IKEA so at 4.10pm I was there, like we said. When he finally came, he looked at me weird, because I opened my arms to hug him. There was a short moment I wasn’t sure he even wanted this, but then I didn’t care. I missed him so much. We weren’t holding hands or anything, but it only took him like 5 minutes until he gave me the first kiss.

So we were at IKEA till about 5.30pm. Then we didn’t know what to really do, since it was too early for dinner. We went into the city and parked at my mom’s workplace, since I thought she’d be off work already. Well, she wasn’t (she doesn’t know about him, but I didn’t care whether she saw us either). We kissed a little and at 6.15pm or so we went to the restaurant. We had a lovely dinner and our serious talks. Mainly about how we see arguments or rather what makes it hard in a relationship… and when he asked me about negative attributes about him, I told him it probably was only his sporadic texting. He did tell me that it was not on purpose and I should not take it personally… which I kind of have learned in the last few days. He also asked why I didn’t tell him on the weekend, when I was going crazy… which I had no answer for. Anyway. Afterwards we went to the movies to see Atomic Blonde (not my type of movie, but I didn’t care, as long as I could cuddle up with him). At 11pm we went back to the car and kissed for another hour. He did try to fumble but I didn’t let him. He got me all heated up with his kissing anyway, but I was not going to sleep with him for the first time in a freakin car. So at like 12am he drove me home. Guess what? Right. Another hour of making out.

Here comes the thing. For about 30minutes he was saying goodbye, and I could actually tell he had a crush on me. I can’t explain the exact reason, but I saw it in his eyes. He asked when we would see eachother next and then we said goodbye for real. Now I am in bed, happy as a little panther, waiting for his text that he’s arrived home safely. Can’t wait to see him again. Kind of hoping he will be free this weekend (although there’s a birthday party I need to go to… but kind of hoping to go to his place afterwards… just not sure if I should ask him or wait till he offers?!)

Anyway. I am just so happy about this dating thing. He seems like such a nice and honest guy. He’s quiet, but still quirky like me. For example I was like trying to be all grown up not jumping into any puddles. Guess what he did? Yup. He’s saying to up my self-confidence, when he said today that his was just hiding his true conciousness… which I have also noticed today. He keeps saying that I’ve had lots of hookups, and I think he just wants to hear that I am not like that. But honestly, I’m just loving this, I really do. And I can’t wait to see him again very soon.

Good night peeps ❤

Probably will writr another post when more details surface, as usual.