I met Taylor in my time abroad. He was my hostfather and twice my age. Yet I was somewhat interested in him but didn’t let myself. Until he started touching me. And after a few days had my first time with him. We kept going forth and back – me feeling very wobbly about this, until I left to go back home and we broke it off. (May – August 2009)


Sometimes I hate these feelings. I was driving home from a night out with Mr. Cucu just now and listening to an old CD of mine. A song came on called “hello” (in German). It’s about how long that person hasn’t seen the other for so long and how weird it is to see them.. saying their goodbyes but him then asking her not to leave the room, but knowing she will go either way even though he doesn’t want that.
Could it be any more accurate to my situation with Kenny? I guess not. At first it was P’s song for me, because I didn’t want him to leave my life (metaphorically)… now… well it’s literally Kenny and I. Oh and by the way, when I was walking through the city today, a truck drove by with “Kenny” saying on it. This is just a nickname I gave him on here, so that was so weird. Everything is so weird. I might go crazy here.

I started remembering things whilst listening to that song:
I sometimes get a feeling when I’m saying my final goodbye to someone. It started back when I was leaving my hostfamily in 2009. I said goodbye to my hostfather, and I just knew it would be the last time ever. One could say, he’s at the other end of the world, so it’s pretty obvious that I won’t get to see him again. But I was dead set on going back to OZ once I finish my apprenticeship. That would have been in 2013 and I’m still here, not having visited him once ever since.
Then the thing with P happened. When I left his house back on September 10th, I just knew it would be the last time. Although there was no evidence as why I should think so, I knew. It’s why I wanted to go back there so badly that very same evening. Everything looked fine. We were dating, we were taking things somewhat slowly. There was no evidence of us falling out. But… it was the last time I’ve seen him, and right now it doesn’t seem like I will see him again.
And I had that feeling with Kenny last Friday as well. When he kissed me on my cheek, I knew it would be the last thing I’d get from him. No looking back. And probably not seeing him ever again. I mean this is my decision, obviously. But is it? We’ve seen each other almost every year at carnival. But I have a feeling this was the last time we met.

I hate this feeling. I really hate it, for it has been right all the time. I get that feeling with patients as well. When I’d tell a colleague, that I have a feeling he/she will die soon. And they do. Even if there is no evidence or symptoms of that patient being at any huge health risk. It happened twice this year already.

I don’t want it. It hurts to know. And I don’t even want to think about what it would be like to not have Kenny in my life anymore. But I guess I need to learn and accept the truth. It doesn’t look very good right now. Haven’t heard from him since he told me to fuck off because I was stressing him out.

I thought being busy all the time would help. I met 2 friends today, when I usually don’t see many friends in 2 weeks. And it was good. Really good to catch up and get my mind off things – at least a little. But now that I’m back home, the loneliness is even harder to bear.

Time. Much time. And little patience.


personal on a whole new level!

Today I did something, I shouldn’t have done. And I really need to talk about it and  can’t exactly talk to anyone. I don’t want anyone I personally know to know. Although I probably should talk about it. I just feel like I can’t.

Let me start from the beginning though to let y’all understand the outcome of this whole story:
My family has never been great, but I did grow up with my parents around. When I was 11, my parents started to fight. A lot. And then they wouldn’t talk to each other at all. They finally broke up, and although everything was leading up to it and I was actually glad, it still came as a surprise to 11-yo-me. I knew and understood they were on bad terms, but never understood why.
Fast forward a few years, I must have been 14ish, when my father started talking about the separation. He told me that my mother was having an affaire and he caught her and that’s why they broke up. I was very very angry at my mother for a long time. I started sneaking around to find out whether my father was lying. He had been trying to play us off against each other for ages, so why not with this? His ego bursted when my mother left him (yes, SHE left him, although SHE cheated). One day I took my mother’s phone and actually found messages from said man that were pretty damn clear. I was devastated. My perfect little bubble burst.

Now fast forward to 2016. Over these last 10 years I somehow started to just ignore the fact that my mother cheated. I started getting along with her again, after I ignored it. I never talked about it with her and it wasn’t mentioned on either side. She doesn’t even know that I actually know about the affaire. I kind of made me forget about it and did think it was long over. Or was waiting for her to admit. Didn’t happen.
There was always that thought at the back of my mind that it wasn’t possible for my mother to not have a boyfriend for nearly 15 years now. Everybody needs some love and sex at some point, right? But I just went with the flow. Maybe she was okay being alone. Who knows?
Today I was just going to the kitchen for whatever reason and my mother’s phone was on the table. Like it always is. Literally. Every. Single. Day. I never had the urge to go through her messages, but today… I did. And scrolling down her messages, I found his name. I didn’t expect anything, as obviously they weren’t chatting a lot and it had been quite a while since they last texted. However I did find messages from my mother to him, thanking him for a lovely lunch and “it was great to be able and cuddle”. What? I almost got caught by her, because I was sucked in so much into these messages and tried to understand what was going on. He has a freaking girlfriend, what the actual fuck Mom?!

So, it’s not even the fact that she’s having sex with a taken man. But that somehow I feel like I end up like her. These things going on with Kenny and other men in my life, who have been married or taken… I never really cared about it. Well I cared, but not so much as to stop dating them. Can things like this be inherited? Because I freaking hate the idea of being like that. Yes, unlike my mother I have decided to turn Kenny down. Or Taylor for that matter. So am I better? I don’t feel like it.

This has really gotten me off the road. I’m confused.

Rae | another Taylor?

First of all: Happy New Year everyone! I spent mine asleep. I went to bed at 9pm and fell asleep straight after. So it was as expected.

I want to update you on a few things that have been bugging me a bit lately.
I actually made a New Year’s resolution for myself, to finally erase Stan completely from my life. Which means, I have started to actively push him out of my mind. Things have gotten better. Way better. I don’t think about him as much anymore as I used to, and when I do it’s usually angry thoughts. But that wasn’t enough for me, so whenever a thought about him would pop up, I’d just actively think about something else. So let’s end things with Stan right here and now. I am done with that f*cker.

Now what I actually intended to talk about in this post,..
I have told you guys about that guy from work, Rae, a while ago. The more people who got to know about it, the less I could forget about him. I was aware that I would never ever even start to date him or that anything would happen. Yet, what happened yesterday caught me quite off guard.

I had been joking with a colleague about this whole situation, when one evening I started to stalk him. I found out where he lives and that he’s – behold… 40 years old. Now that wasn’t so unexpected, I just had hoped he’d be younger. I couldn’t find much more about him, so I left it at that. When I finally left work a few days ago, I couldn’t handle my curiosity anymore and rejoined Facebook. I don’t know how long this will last, as I already hate it again, but I wanted to find out more about him.
I sent him a friend request yesterday. I didn’t really know what to expect, but I did expect him to know my name and therefore accept it.
I was wrong. He messaged me asking who I was, so I told him about being “the poked one from work”. He asked for a picture so I sent one.
Pretty quickly he asked very personal things about me. How many piercings I have (which of course I didn’t tell him about my newest one), about my boyfriends or one night stands and somehow we got to the point that he asked me out to the sauna.
Wait. What?
I did get to know that he has a wife at home, he is happily married and he doesn’t mind meeting people from work at the sauna. Wait.. What?!
Yeah, that’s what I thought. I thought he was joking, but he actually asked me quite a few times if I would like to go to the sauna one time and if I did, how I’d react and if he would be allowed to “have a look”. At first I was completely freaked out. But then I was like “yeah, he’s a man, you know”. And as my long-term readers may know, he isn’t the first one to hit on me big time, who is married and we’d end up together (Taylor).

Anyway. So my feeling is, if I really wanted to, I think I could actually get him to do things with me. I won’t, don’t get me wrong. But he seems to be a little too interested for my liking – or rather.. his wife’s liking. He kept saying that he goes to the sauna regularly and that I might find someone there, but that he doesn’t know whether they are single or not. So I was like “that’s not an issue though” to which he replied: “Men should be left alone when they’re in a relationship”
Me: Don’t worry about that.
Him: That’s why you won’t come, right?
Me: Well, yeah, don’t want them to be tempted at all.
Him: No, no. I don’t think so. I guess not. I can control myself.
Note that I wasn’t talking about him at this point, but he said he could control himself. Well, maybe you could not?

And after chatting for something like an hour he said goodbye saying “I will let you know the next time I go, so you can join me.”

What do you guys think about this? I mean, maybe I read too much into this, but to me it sounds a lot like he is eager to see me naked. He did say several times that he wouldn’t mind. But really, boy? He’s 15 years older, we see each other at work. He is happily married. It would be awkward, right?… I don’t want to start anything with him, although I gotta say, I did fantasise about this afterwards. But it has reminded me way too much of Taylor. I just hope that I really have learned from the past.

my dirty little secret.

I feel the need to tell you guys about another guy. Which is long gone, but I have to get it out. I can’t talk about it with my friends, because they’ve never known and I rather they still don’t. I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned him on here, excuse me if I have.

Taylor. When I was abroad, I spent my days in a hostfamily which was…. “weird” would be an understatement. Now this will be VERY awkward for most of you, as much as it still is for me. Even thinking about it, it seems like a dream or another life when that happened, but well.. let’s get that on.

I remember the first week I stayed at their house. I didn’t feel home, it was awkward to spend time with them and I just… it didn’t feel right. When time went on, I got along with the hostdad more and more… I  loved their kids. But I never really got along with the hostmom. She seemed very serious and settled. She didn’t show any kind of feelings, so I just kept my distance from her.

After I spent two months abroad, things started to get weird. My hostdad wasn’t like super old, but there was still an age gap of 20 years between us. As he was a stay-at-home-dad and he worked from home, his wife wasn’t home most of the day. I usually spent the evening watching TV with him and the kids, and when the kids went to bed, we’d continue. One evening, he started to caress my head. It felt good, but so wrong at the same time. He then kept going towards my chest, which made me very uncomfortable and I went to bed. Same thing happened every evening from then on. I was way too shy to complain.

Somewhen in May there was a huge storm and I freaked out. He picked me up and we spent the evening cuddled up on the couch. Again, he started caressing me and this time I allowed it. So it happened. He took my virginity that night. The next morning I wouldn’t leave the bed, because I felt very awkward about this situation. I didn’t go to school either, so he came into my room and asked what was wrong. I said “nothing”. We then decided that this was a one-off and we’d not talk about that anymore. I felt so strange, living under one roof with his FAMILY. He cheated on his WIFE and I took care of his CHILDREN. How was I supposed to feel about this? As life went on, he told me that him and his wife weren’t on terms since before the birth of their second child (she was 8 months by then). They had hoped to save their love by having another child, but it just made it worse. This didn’t let me feel any better, because as you all know, my mother cheated on my father as well and I never forgave her for what she’s done. And now I should be that other woman? On the other hand, he didn’t really cheat because they split up. They only lived together for the sake of their kids.

I still didn’t want it to happen again. But about 3 weeks later he said, he’d love to do it again, because he’s falling for me. I felt the same. It was awkward because of the age gap, but I didn’t care. I still felt weird, because his KIDS were sleeping next door and I was the one supposed to look after them. Things got out of hand at that point and we started kind of a relationship. I couldn’t look the wife in the eyes anymore, because I felt so wrong. I KNEW she didn’t mind him having other women, but ME?… I think she never knew. So the time came when I knew I had to leave. Which broke my heart. I managed to stay another month, but my mom wasn’t happy about me staying so far away, so I had to come back. This totally broke my heart. I have never in my life cried as much as the night I left them. My hostdad drove me to the airport, gave me a last kiss and left.

After about half a year I got over him. I met another boy my age at home. But until this day, I still think about it a lot. I don’t think it would have worked out. He’s so much older and sometimes I think of it as gross. On the other hand, I didn’t really noticed that huge age gap back then. I was mentally a lot older and he was a lot younger. So it worked for the time being.

But thinking back about it… I don’t know if I can ever visit him again. I know that he’s never gotten over me. He keeps complimenting me and saying stuff, that you only say when there’s happened something. But eventually, I’ll get over it and not think about it that much anymore. Maybe it has been a mistake, maybe it’s been a nice lesson for me. I still can’t say.

But to finally get it out, and let people know. It’s okay. I don’t know what people will think about me now, but I really had to get it out. I knew that my friends wouldn’t believe me. I’ve never been the girl that’s into older boys or is starting some kind of weird sex relationship. But well it happened. And it’s a part of me, even if most people in my life don’t know about it. And it’s okay to have a dirty little secret, isn’t it?