Today I did something, I shouldn’t have done. And I really need to talk about it and can’t exactly talk to anyone. I don’t want anyone I personally know to know. Although I probably should talk about it. I just feel like I can’t.
Let me start from the beginning though to let y’all understand the outcome of this whole story:
My family has never been great, but I did grow up with my parents around. When I was 11, my parents started to fight. A lot. And then they wouldn’t talk to each other at all. They finally broke up, and although everything was leading up to it and I was actually glad, it still came as a surprise to 11-yo-me. I knew and understood they were on bad terms, but never understood why.
Fast forward a few years, I must have been 14ish, when my father started talking about the separation. He told me that my mother was having an affaire and he caught her and that’s why they broke up. I was very very angry at my mother for a long time. I started sneaking around to find out whether my father was lying. He had been trying to play us off against each other for ages, so why not with this? His ego bursted when my mother left him (yes, SHE left him, although SHE cheated). One day I took my mother’s phone and actually found messages from said man that were pretty damn clear. I was devastated. My perfect little bubble burst.
Now fast forward to 2016. Over these last 10 years I somehow started to just ignore the fact that my mother cheated. I started getting along with her again, after I ignored it. I never talked about it with her and it wasn’t mentioned on either side. She doesn’t even know that I actually know about the affaire. I kind of
made me forget about it and did think it was long over. Or was waiting for her to admit. Didn’t happen.
There was always that thought at the back of my mind that it wasn’t possible for my mother to not have a boyfriend for nearly 15 years now. Everybody needs some love and sex at some point, right? But I just went with the flow. Maybe she was okay being alone. Who knows?
Today I was just going to the kitchen for whatever reason and my mother’s phone was on the table. Like it always is. Literally. Every. Single. Day. I never had the urge to go through her messages, but today… I did. And scrolling down her messages, I found his name. I didn’t expect anything, as obviously they weren’t chatting a lot and it had been quite a while since they last texted. However I did find messages from my mother to him, thanking him for a lovely lunch and “it was great to be able and cuddle”. What? I almost got caught by her, because I was sucked in so much into these messages and tried to understand what was going on. He has a freaking girlfriend, what the actual fuck Mom?!
So, it’s not even the fact that she’s having sex with a taken man. But that somehow I feel like I end up like her. These things going on with Kenny and other men in my life, who have been married or taken… I never really cared about it. Well I cared, but not so much as to stop dating them. Can things like this be inherited? Because I freaking hate the idea of being like that. Yes, unlike my mother I have decided to turn Kenny down. Or Taylor for that matter. So am I better? I don’t feel like it.
This has really gotten me off the road. I’m confused.