This is an old piece I had audio recorded myself but forgot to type out, since I spent 5 days at Scott’s afterwards. So here we go:
7th June 2018
I just want to remember what Scott told me yesterday when we lay in bed. All of a sudden he said: “You know I really like you”. Which I said back “I like you more”, and he said “no you don’t”… usual game play. And then he said “I feel so much more. Do you know the feeling of having your first love?!… I feel that much more for you than I did with my first love”. I did not know what to say, not because I don’t feel the same way, but it was so nice to hear… and then he said “I shouldn’t have said that”. I did not want him to regret what he’s said, because it was pure and honest. But I did not know what to say back. But then I also don’t need to, because he knows that I love him.
He keeps telling me that he’s falling in love. And I don’t even need to say it back, because he knows it. We have not yet told each other the ‘I love you’s, because we know that we do. And I’m not sure I am yet ready to hear it, although I know it. I rarely say back that I like him, but he knows it. You know? It doesn’t feel awkward to not say it back, because I’m the one to show. And we can simply look at each other and know things. It also makes things easier at work, because we don’t need to talk. But if we look at each other, we usually know what is going on.
One time at lunch for example, I looked at him and saw that my hickey on his collarbone was glimpsing out of his tshirt. I simply started giggling and tapped on my collarbone and he knew right away what I was talking about and covered it up.
So he kind of has confessed his love without actually telling so, if that makes any sense. I don’t want him to say it yet. Because I know that once he’s said them, he’ll say it again and again, and I don’t want these words to lose its importance for me. But he says things like “I have finally found the Jill to my Jack”.
Another example: on Tuesday I had a really shitty start to my night shift (he was still there from the late shift) and he simply came over and hugged me and said everything is going to be okay. You know, it’s these little things. Not needing to tell him, that I’m upset. We also lay in bed some time last week and I was really upset about him not cumming when we had sex. But I didn’t say anything. And then we just lay there, I did not say anything, just had my head on his chest and he asked what was wrong. I said it was all good. And he simply said “look at me”. I couldn’t, because I was on the verge of tears. When he said “it’s about me not cumming right? You think you’ve done something wrong..?”. And it’s amazing to me, someone that reads me so well. I always wanted someone I didn’t need to talk about everything. I am a person that wants to be read, even though I know I’m not that easy to read. But obviously I am to him, and I love it.
On a whole other subject: we booked our holidays this week. It is so awkward to read our names next to each other. But everything is settled now. No way back. And I’m not even scared.
And we also don’t care as much anymore of anyone seeing us from work. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, that’s fine.