Just words.

Today.
After he said he doesn’t watch the movies I want to see… I was done. I left the room and went on the  balcony to not lash out on him. I knew I was on edge and would totally flip out if he started a conversation. I was done always doing what he wanted. Always him first. The way things have been going the last 3 months.

A few minutes after, he came outside. Once again in a very dismissive way, asking what the fuck my problem was. I told him that he never wants to actually spend time with me. He didn’t understand. Of course he didn’t. He never does. So I said “first you come over on Thursday and write 2 fucking hours on your fuckin essay, you said you just had to send to your teacher. Then last night you rather talk 2 fuckin hours to my mother, than come to bed with me…”
He said: “Well, you could have just joined us!” Me: “Yeah whatever. I know which place I take on your priority list by now!” I got up and walked away. He just said “okay” and went into my room. I left the house. I was done with all this shit. The only thing he had to say to any of this was “okay”?! Seriously? If I had any sort of importance to him, he would have said what priority I had – or at least that’s what I would do. But this just tells me that I don’t. That it really is what it feels like to me. Nothing. Everybody else first.

I stayed outside for probably 30 minutes. When I wanted to get up, I saw that he was leaving the house (I sat behind a wall, close to my home). I waited till he was around the corner and went home.
My mom came to my room and asked what was wrong. I told her my side of the story. She said that he had asked where I usually went when I was like that and – rightfully – she said, that there was no point in searching for me, as I usually don’t want to be found. That I get out, when I need to not-explode or rather do it, when no one is around (which totally is what I do). He just told her that he didn’t understand what the problem was (although in my opinion I told him pretty clearly). Afterwards he told her, that he had to study and will get home.

I came home to a letter from him laying on my bed:

Baby, due to my upcoming important exams, I decided to go home and study. I came here to spend time with you, but if you don’t feel like talking to me, going to the cinema or to the city, or talking to me and your mum, I have to focus on my exams that are taking place in just 10 days. After all, I love you and don’t want to lose you.

Seriously? Is this all you’re gonna say to this blow up? So this just made me so much more angry. He just doesn’t get me.
As if it was just my fault. Once more. It is my fault that he’s going home. Because I don’t talk to him. Don’t want to go to a place, where I will get a panic attack, or go see a movie I don’t want to see. Because I don’t want to talk to him, when he’s on his phone all the fucking time?! Because I’m boring, when I don’t want to do things (although I asked him 5 times what he wanted to do)? Because I don’t put him before me? Because that’s all that is. Not him coming first and therefore he can go home and study, because that’s time better spent than with your crazy ass girlfriend, that wants some love. Better than just hanging around and spending quality time with your girlfriend. Yeah, I’d rather study as well in that case. Totally makes so much sense. [/irony off]

He talks a lot. He tells me cute things, yes. But he doesn’t show me. There is no action that proves his words, so they mean nothing to me. Just like Stan’s words didn’t mean a thing, as his actions spoke otherwise.

I’m not sure if I can do this any longer. It hurts so much. And my mom is right. He couldn’t have done the right thing at the moment. If he’d stayed, I wouldn’t have been happy, and that he left made me angry as well. I had just hoped he would understand. But he doesn’t. And I don’t know if I really want to put so much energy in a relationship, that is one-sided. At least emotionally. He cannot get my feelings, and I’m a person that needs to be read. I don’t like to talk about things. I need someone to just hold me, when they realise I’m upset. I don’t want them to just make a joke. To sweep things under the rug. Because when I told him last week that I might have cancer, he didn’t lose a word to it. He just kept on telling me about his fucking crap cars. That’s how this relationship has been going. Me telling him things that upset me, and him just talking on as if I hadn’t mentioned anything. No sort of affection or empathy.

Of course he did write things like he doesn’t want to lose me in his letter and that he loves me. But I couldn’t feel a thing when reading it. It was just words. Putting the blame on me. Again.

Just words.

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