relationship

liar?!

Honestly. Sometimes I hate people. As I’ve told you guys many times before, I post on lyf several times a day. There are very nice people on there, helping you at any time of the day, which is perfect. Especially for my very low days when I feel depressed and think about self-harming.

But.

There are also a lot of very close-minded people. Let me state an example:
I posted last night, that P had been drunk again. He texted me at 11pm saying that he was getting drunk. I didn’t know how to feel about it, so I wrote a post. He had said in the beginning of our “relationship” that he was not a big drinker himself (since I don’t drink), but he has been drunk 3 times (the ones I know of) since we last saw each other (5 weeks). It’s reasonable really, he was on parties and what not. He is now on a trip abroad, and it’s totally fine to drink. It’s not like I never drink, sometimes I get drunk myself without any reason. But it was making me feel weird nonetheless (or should I say worried?). On the other side he thought of me even in that state, which is saying something as well, right?!

So I posted exactly about this situation and that I was wondering, whether it might be a reason he does not want to date me no more (although he never said so! I was right back into the negative thoughts then – am better again now), because I’m not a very outgoing person. One girl commented on “maybe he lied to you and he is a drinker? You can always just have one or two beers to be happy and not wasted!” This really upset me for several reasons: Who is she to judge someone she doesn’t even know? I get it, she was lied to and doesn’t trust people. But so have I. I mean my mom has been lying to me for the last 16 years, I do have trust issues myself. I get it. But you can’t just reflect the behaviour of some people onto others, that have never gave you any reason to mistrust them!
If someone is as straight-forward as P has been so far, I do not believe he’s lying to me. He wouldn’t have said half the things he did, because he knew I didn’t want to hear them. Someone like that doesn’t lie about these things. And he didn’t even say he doesn’t drink! He just said he was not a big drinker. Maybe he’s having a period of time he drinks more. Even I do have these times. Of course it got me musing whether it was a reason why he didn’t like me (which obviously is wrong as well, since he stated he does like me indeed). But that’s just bullshit and I need to find back into the right mindset I got these last few days.

As for an update about the last few days. I have found my fighting-spirit. He may have not replied with a “let’s meet then and then”, and I knew he wouldn’t. He just replied with our “one year abstinence”-joke, as not to have to reply to my question. But I knew he would.
But as I said, I then realised, why just wait for him without doing things?! I need to let him know what he’s missing out on. Because I know we do match, he just doesn’t allow his feelings right now. So when I went out for dinner on Thursday and was feeling cute, I took a picture and sent it to him (I never did before, I’m not keen on taking selfies). To that I got a heart-eye-shaped emoji, which he doesn’t often use. I also dreamt of him that night (he was the topic of the evening, so I was intensively thinking about our situation). I told him about the dream: I saw him next to a swimming pool and ignored him, since I knew he didn’t want to see me. He just said that it’s my way to cope with what is “occupying” me on the day. He knows I think about it a lot. But he didn’t suggest a meeting. And I have a strong feeling I won’t see him before I leave for holidays in a week. Which is okay.

Yesterday was the first time we texted again like we used to. A lot of funny chattering, he kept the conversation up, when it came to a stall and so on. I then said “I need to tell you something”, which has been on my mind a lot, but I knew it was stupid to tell him. When I didn’t text straight away he was like “you hate me?”… you know, he is thinking about us and I think he’s scared I’ll walk away. Of course that’s once again just reading a lot into things that are not actually there… but there are little signs that tell me he does care about me. More than he wants to.
I then told him about how we could meet as friends, since I have a cold sore and therefore wasn’t allowed to kiss him anyway. He didn’t say much to it (apart from “euwww, I’ve never had a cold sore before!”). He also stated that’s what ‘you get from putting your tongue into everything’. I know he wasn’t trying to be mean,  but he always is pointing towards me kissing and sleeping with everyone, has been right from the beginning. I know there’s some jealousy speaking from within him, so I just said “well, I know by now that you’re not thinking very well of me!” He said that this was not true, to which I didn’t reply anymore. I was mad. I wanted him to know what it feels like to not be replied to when it’s important to solve things. But it’s just not me, so last night I told him to enjoy the weekend abroad.

Once more, he could’ve simply said “thanks” and the conversation would be over, like it had been so many times over the last few weeks. But he asked what I currently was doing. That’s how he told me that he was out drinking. I didn’t say anything about it, just stating that I was going away this weekend as well (since he obviously thinks I sit at home to mourn him).
If he needs to be treated like this, so he realises what he’s losing: so be it. I know that if we see each other, he has to open up again, and I think that is one main reason he doesn’t want to see me. He’s afraid of his feelings – or he knows about them, and is not ready to deal with them I guess. But I can let him know without seeing him. And as I’m sure my friends I’m going on holidays with, will take a LOT of pictures and putting them on facebook, he’ll see I can have fun without him as well. I’m not the lonely, sad girl sitting at home every weekend at all.

This is so not me. I am not one to make someone feel “bad” (it’s not actually bad, right?), to make them realise things. But it seems like it is working on him, since he has been much more talkative the last few days –  or our conversation from Tuesday has done that. I don’t know.
Like, after I sent that picture of myself and I got his response, I didn’t reply all day. Maybe my non-availabilty is making him understand. I do not know. It could also go very wrong, I am well aware of that. But we’ll see. As always.

Until next time…

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lesson learnt!

I had a lesson to learn yesterday.
As I’ve mentioned several times before, I am posting on lyf on a regular. So when I was going downwards after receiving P’s latest messages, I asked for advice. What I did not consider, was that these people do not know me or my story. They all told me to move on, which of course sent me into the most depressed state. I cried all evening on Tuesday and Wednesday morning. I couldn’t even drive to my acupuncturist without crying, because everything just reminded me of him and that I would never get him back again. They actually got me as far as not to trust my gut feeling anymore. Not trust what we had. And just move on. I was hurt. Very hurt.

After an hour of lying there and having a lot of time to think about it, I started to realise that I really needed an answer as to why he thought we didn’t match. So I texted him once I was home.

Later on my school friend texted me about a dream and I started talking to her about what P had said. She’s known me for the last 3 years and we have a lot in common when it comes to our point of view on life and love. Although I do not share what she’s done to her ex-boyfriend (she cheated on him with his best friend), she can actually imagine my situation, as her now-boyfriend was very closed off as well at first. I was able to help her back then, because he’s a lot like me when it comes to letting people close.
She told me that he probably is just overthinking things and not actually saying we don’t match. He doesn’t want to hurt me, because he’s unsure about us and therefore doesn’t want me to end up hurt, because he can’t trust we would work out. Like there’s not a security that we end up together and therefore he tries to push me away, so I don’t get hurt (does that even make sense?). It all made sense and I got my hope back. I’ve never lost my gut feeling, even when I felt SO bad about the situation the last few days – but I did ignore it, for everyone told me to move on. And this is when I realised that strangers cannot help me with this. Yes, they may have showed me a different view, but they’ll never know what I want in life and what I am able to get through.
Also my friend pointed out that most people nowadays just don’t want to wait or fight for something, that may never come. They rather stop now, than get more hurt farther down the road. But she’s right. I can take the chance of getting even more hurt, but I also get the chance of ending up happy with him. Isn’t it worth it? Of course it is. Because I have that feeling about him, I will not simply give up. Even if it takes a year. As long as I have this feeling, I cannot and will not give up.

Now back to that message I sent him: “I’m sorry to bother you again and I promise I will not annoy you after that, but I can’t stop thinking about something. You obviously think that we do not match or we cannot end up together – or that’s what I’ve read into your message…  why are you feeling this way, if I may ask?
First of all I got a “you’re not annoying me at all, I like it when you text me. But gotta work at some point 😉 when did I say that we don’t match?

So. No I did not get any answer. I told him that he has not actually written it, but he did continuously say that he’s not sure if we could end up together. He didn’t say anything to that anymore. A few hours later I just said “so when are we meeting then? 😛 ”
He has not replied. I did not expect him to. I will wait. But he probably will just send a funny text and not reply to this. It’s his way of communication. And that’s fine. He’ll be ready when he is.

I know that for most people this may not be enough. He did not reply to my message, he did not deny it, but he also didn’t confirm my thoughts. It was his way to say that I need to stop interpreting things into what he’s written (like he’s done so many times before). And that’s exactly what I’m doing. I’m trying not to misread his lack of communication or what he did NOT write. For me this latest message said, that he does not think we don’t match. There may be another problem, but for now I’m not thinking about it. I’ll just take it day by day. Hoping we’ll meet again soon, so we can see how he and I feel about each other. Like my friend said: once we spend time together, he will remember how he feels. He was the one to always tell me how much he enjoyed our time. So I guess feelings are there, they just need to be lit up again. I don’t think they’ve just vanished over the last 5 weeks, but that he’s been busy with other thoughts and emotions.

We’ll see.

torn

I’m not good. I’m really not.

I wish I could put anything that is going through my mind into words, but my mind is going at 140mph and it’s tiring. I just want to shut my emotions off. Shut my brain off. Concentrate on other things. But I need to talk about it and I know it.

I can’t recall what I wrote in my last post and I don’t want to reread for obvious reasons. Reading through the conversation has upset me so much last night. I woke up this morning, and looked like I’ve had an allergic reaction. My face is all puffy from all the crying.
The worst thing for me probably is, that I was so sure of this. Of us. And realising that he didn’t feel like that at all has hurt me the most. I wish he would understand. But I guess I just overwhelmed him with my feelings and I never wanted to do so. I didn’t want to put any more pressure on him. But I also have realised that this situation probably isn’t about his father anymore. That something else wasn’t sitting right with him. But then that’s just what I read in between the lines. And I wanted to stop doing that and therefore stopped rereading that conversation over and over again.

There’s not much I can do apart from accepting what he’s said. I will try to not text him anymore on my part and leave him the space he obviously wants. What is making it so hard though, is that my gut feeling is still here. I woke up this morning, “knowing” he would text me today. But I don’t want to allow that feeling anymore, because it has proven to be wrong all along and I don’t want to get any more hopes up and get disappointed.
I still have that feeling, that he has not completely given up on us, but probably is irrationally thinking this through not allowing his emotions to play any part – or maybe his emotions have vanished over that month we didn’t see each other. Or maybe he can’t allow them because of his grief. I do not know. But there’s also a (brain) thought of mine, that there’s something else that makes him say those things. That maybe he didn’t think we would match before all of this even happened. I wish I could ask him, but I’m not sure whether he would tell me. To me it seems like he tried to let me down gently yesterday. But then again he was honest, he did tell me what was going on – even when he didn’t really know what exactly that was. I don’t know. I’m so torn between what I read, what I interpret and what I feel.

Maybe some distance will help. It definitely won’t help me, but maybe he needs to clear his mind. But then again, he’s done so for the last month. He went out and did things, without thinking of me… so does he really need distance? Probably not.
And I know people are telling me that it’s his loss and he will regret not giving it a go. But I can’t think like that. For me it feels like it is MY loss, simply because he actually felt like my one. I cannot explain this, but that feeling has never been as strong as it has been with him, and for it to be proven wrong is very very depressing. I’m not sure how to get over this, if I’m being honest. I was even thinking about going back to a psychologist, but that’s ridiculous. I can’t just go there because of a heartbreak. What can she do? Nobody can mend my heart apart from time.

I just need him to text me. It’s what would help me right now, but I know he won’t. I know he doesn’t want to deal with this or me right now. And I know I need to move on.

But I can’t.

Help.

This will be my last post about P (probably not).

When I recorded that voice message last night, I knew very well that I would not be able to handle a “no” from him. I knew what I wanted to hear. But there was a reason I was unsure about the whole situation, there have been flags all around. So I needed to ask. I needed to hear it.

He replied this morning and when I first read it, it sounded pretty good to me. But the more times I read it and the more I talked about it with friends, the more I realised that it actually was pretty clear that he was not interested anymore.
He’s always been honest. And he was plain out honest, which I appreciate. I just should ignore my gut feeling, which is still telling me to not give up. But my head has overtaken this position now and I have finally given up. For several reasons.

First of all good morning… so I listened to you voice message yesterday and I do understand your point very well. Unfortunately I don’t really know myself what is best for me currently. And my father’s passing is also still messing me up. The little time we did spend together, I perceived as very nice and I do not regret it at all! However I think, that it wasn’t the best idea to have sex this quickly.
Of course we can meet again at some point, go out for a drink or whatever you want. I just don’t know if I want a relationship right now, as I’ve said before. Not because of you, but because of my current situation 🙈 I have also deleted most of these stupid dating apps!
I really do like you and you are a nice woman. But if we would work out, I don’t really know ☺ (until now, no woman has put up with me 😄)…
I don’t think this answer will help you – but I’m not sure what to tell you.
Best of all you’d pick up a hot guy in Dubai 🤣

This was his message to my voice message. Some things were very cute, and for the first time ever he actually told me that he liked me. But his wording of “but if we would work out, I don’t really know”, it seemed more like a “no we wouldn’t” than otherwise.
I have no idea why he thinks like that, or what is letting him think we would not work out. Stupidly I didn’t ask, which I now always think about of course. He also mentioned how I should hit on someone else, there’s not much more to say about moving on from him, right?
The thing is, I don’t know if he just doesn’t want me to wait, or if he is not interested.

So that’s what I asked. I told him that I was not interested in seeing anyone else but him and that I understood that there was no guarantee we would end up together either way. I told him again that I would wait a year for him, if it’d help him.
He then replied that he doesn’t really know and he really doesn’t “want to waste my time or getting my hopes up, when in the end it doesn’t work out anyway”. Once more pointing in a direction of us not working out.

I explained to him that this felt right for me and therefore it was no waste of time in my opinion. I then more or less asked whether he did not see us working out at all, or was neutral or even positively towards it. He said he was neutral. Is that a good thing? Was he trying to be nice and not hurt me by not saying “I can’t see us”?
I let him know to tell me if his mind changes in any way and it would be okay for me to just see where things would lead us. He then was saying “but it must be okay for you as well… at least we haven’t seen each other in a while by now”. I’m not really sure why he said this. I know we haven’t seen each other in a while, but would that change my mind? More likely it changed his mind.

He then didn’t reply anymore when I said we should just see where things are leading us without any pressure. So I told him that I really need him to be honest and not meet up with me, if he’s not feeling like it. And he said he obviously would.

By then it was like 3 hours after that first text. I had been silently crying at school and really needed some reassurance (which I knew I would not get). So I asked if it may help him sort his feelings out if we saw each other or if he would feel even more pressured by this. Of course I had hoped for a “yes let’s do this”, but I knew I wouldn’t get that. Instead I got a “I will think about it”. Which is a no, right?

So I guess it’s quite obvious why I’ve given up. My heart and mind are fighting, I can literally feel my heart being torn in each direction, not wanting to give up… but also just knowing what I am reading. It is a lot of interpretation, but he’s always been straight forward. Obviously he is not ready for a relationship right now, and the way I read this, not ever with me. So why should I drag myself along in hopes to get my “dream man”, when he is not interested? He may like me, but he doesn’t like me like that.

Yes, it fucking hurts and I have tried to stay strong. Haven’t cried (until now) and probably will be ugly crying myself to sleep tonight. I don’t know what to do. I know I need to leave him be, and I will. I will back away, because that’s what he obviously wants. But it’s hard. Having relied so much on my gut feeling that was as strong as never before… it’s hard to be disappointed. It’s hard to be so sure about someone, when he doesn’t see a future in you. Yes it hurts. And yes, when I drove home after thinking about all of this all day, I realised that my depression has knocked on the door and I let it in. This will be a hard time and I am glad I can go back to work in a month, so I can get my mind off all of this. I really just sort my feelings and decide what to do from now on. I know I cannot simply let him go, but I must. I need to let him go, because he doesn’t want to. But I also know I can’t ignore my feelings I have developed already. And I will wait to see what he’s doing or saying over the next few days or weeks. There’s nothing else left to do, right?

Help.

 

 

voice message

Today I saw a picture of P tagged in it. It was of a party that took place last Saturday. I don’t know why, but it really upset me. It wasn’t like we had set any plans and he cancelled, he didn’t even ask me. He didn’t tell me either he was free. He actually did tell me he had been busy all weekend. But it upset me nonetheless.

I realised that I really need to talk to him about it. My feelings haven’t changed and it’s not like I don’t trust my gut feeling anymore. But I just need to hear it from him – some sort of reassurance he’s still feeling something (or well… he is not – either way). Since the texting has decreased immensely (every 2 days or so) and also has gotten a lot more shallow… I don’t know. I’m just scared he isn’t interested anymore. A lot of things speak for him slowly backing away, yet my gut feeling is telling me otherwise. Of course I am scared that he actually is not interested anymore. Or that I am pushing him away by being so damn clingy. But I just need to know how he’s feeling. What actually is going on. Despite my fear.
I am worried that he’ll leave. I am terrified. Now I at least still have him every other day. I can imagine being with him, that imagination is not destroyed yet. He still is my “dream boy”. If he tells me this is over, I will be devastated. A lot more than ever before. Simply because I had that feeling, that feeling that kept me going. And if this was wrong, I don’t know if I can ever trust my gut ever again. I am actually freaking terrified, which leaves me wondering whether I should actually talk to him about it. But whether he tells me tonight or any other day in the future… it will always hurt. Right?!

So. I have recorded a voice message for all of this. I don’t want any misunderstandings and that he can listen to my voice. Listen to my worries. Not just some plain text. A voice.

I told him that the situation is hard for me to judge whether his distance was because of me or the situation overall. That I do not want to pressure him and I do understand what he says and he gives me no reason to worry… but because of the lack of communication and my interpretation into things, my worries returned. For example when he got drunk the very next day after I asked him to meet, that I wondered whether he didn’t want to see me. And that I do not have any problems with not seeing him and waiting, but that I would love to see him and will be abroad in 2 weeks. That we could meet for just a couple of hours instead of a sleepover. But that I would wait for him, if he needed. But I didn’t know if he just didn’t want to see ME or whether it’d be too much right now, or he’s still too hurt because of the whole situation. But that I also don’t want to bother him too much by texting. Also saying again that I don’t need us to be in a relationship, I don’t want to be another burden to him, but that I just need some reassurance,  because I worry that he’s not interested anymore.
I made clear that I don’t expect the situation to change, but to let him know how I feel about the situation. That I would stop texting if he needed the distance. But that I needed some “direction” in all of this.

I think I will send it tonight, but yes, I am terrified of the answer – if one will come.

 

variables.

I just read an article about how to make relationships last and a quote popped up:

The sheer amount of variables that come into play when you enter into a relationship guarantees that nothing is ever going to go the way you thought it would.

I guess you all know what comes now. Yes, I could relate to this instantly. On a very deep level.

When I think back to the beginning of when I met Paraplegic (in 4 days it’ll be 2 months ago), I wasn’t even interested in him. After our first date however, that changed completely. I told him how much I missed him and he told me that it was no good to precipitate things. So I tried not to. But I didn’t actually understand the whole concept of not precipitating things. I still wanted him around 24/7 and was going crazy when I didn’t see him once a week or couldn’t text him all day long. I was devastated when he didn’t text daily and thought he was leaving me. When he cancelled our date because of his parents (now that I look back on it, I am so glad he had that day with them, before his father passed away only 10 days later), I was devastated I wouldn’t see him in over 7 days. At least. But of course I didn’t bother him too much about it.
Then our weekend together happened. I was on cloud 9, over the moon. I could not believe that I could be as lucky as to have found someone that is truly appreciative of me and is such a caring and loving person. I was not eager to ever let him go or slip out of my hands. I remember wanting to see him Sunday evening again, since I had to leave early that day. Had I known what would happen only 3 days later, I probably would have gone back, even when it was crazy. But I am also very glad we had that weekend to make myself see him in a way I saw him. That he told me he enjoyed the time with me and gave me lots of butterflies to remember. Otherwise I might not be where I am today.

Then, 13th September, he told me that his father had passed away. And everything changed in an instant.

I haven’t seen him in 4 weeks (as of today). I didn’t think I could make it that far and have stated so in several posts up until this point.
Going back to that quote from the beginning: I would have never thought something like a death could happen and would drive us apart. But then again, I think it was also meant to be a lesson for me. Because now I cannot precipitate things. It does make me really wait for him and give him the time he needs. It made me understand that sometimes you can’t rush things..

As you all know, I have always been one to rush into relationships, head over heels. I was glad P told me right from the beginning not to do that, because it already gave me another look on the whole concept. Now that this happened, I had to take a step back. Not just playing it cool, but actually living it. And here I am: still fine.
Of course there are days when worries come up and I fear him leaving, ghosting me or rather not coming back. But most days I am okay. I trust in him coming back when he’s ready. Whether that’d be weeks or months from now.
His father’s passing was a lesson for me: to wait, even without the constant reassurance I usually need. Right now I just trust in my heart and my gut-feeling, without any signs from his side. And I think this is a hard but very valuable lesson for me to learn. Wait and stick around, even when it’s hard. Even when things don’t seem bright and shiny, but that I can trust in words I heard weeks before. That I need not give in into the bad thoughts I sometimes have, but trust in what he’s told me, what he’s made me feel before and what my feeling is telling me.
If he comes back and this turns into a relationship, I have no doubt we will start from a very strong ground and bonding. Even though he still doesn’t let me in or talks about his feelings very much, I know that he trusts me and knows I am here for him.

I have learnt to believe in something new. Something that I have not experienced before and therefore was very sceptical about: my (gut) feeling. That I need to believe in something that might not be around right now, but may very well come.
I need to believe in my strength, in my feelings and most importantly – in myself. Things will turn out like they have to, whether that’d be with or without him, I cannot say. Of course I do want him in my life, because I have never had such a strong feeling about someone (not in a sense of love, because it would be too early to say that, but in someone being good for me). None of my past experiences should allow me to believe in him coming back, because every single person I ever loved have left when things got hard. Yet here I am, believing P will come back. Yes, there’s always that little voice telling me to give up. But I am not. As long as P doesn’t actively push me away or tells me I should get lost, I will keep believing in him coming back – however hard it may be at times.

I can do this.

wait. wait. wait.

I’m not entirely sure what to think right now. On one side I am very happy my school stuff is mostly over and my stress levels are going to drop from here on out. On the other hand the stress had been helping me get my mind off things with Paraplegic. I am actively trying not to think about the situation too much, because it brings too many bad thoughts with it – or rather just insecurities about our situation… but I also don’t really know what to think anymore.
There are times when he is so closed off. He doesn’t really try to speak to me and I don’t want to bother him too much. I am afraid of pushing him away by being clingy. On other days (like yesterday) he’s blowing off my phone with several messages, because I didn’t reply the night before. I just really don’t know what to expect anymore. He knows I like him, and I know he likes me, too. But I guess he’s still emotionally unavailable and needs more time to be able and focus on us again. And I really don’t expect him to, I just wish he would give me the chance to just spend time with him – even if it would be as friends.

Today marks 3 weeks since his father passed away. This is no time whatsoever, but it still feels like such a long time for me, because I haven’t seen him in 4 weeks. I did plan on asking him by the end of this week, but I just can’t. It feels wrong to ask. There are thoughts that he may try to pull away, and I am going abroad in just 2 weeks for a couple of weeks, so I still have this at the back of my mind. But I just really need him to take that step I guess. I want him to want to see me, without any pressure from my part. Therefore I can’t really ask him. But maybe I’ll think differently again in a few days. I think it might help him somewhat to get his mind off things, but then it needs to be his choice to do so. And I really don’t want to bother him with my insecurities about us. I did say I’ll leave him the time he needs, so I must do so.

Also. He also doesn’t reply to my “how are you”‘s anymore, which is an answer in itself I guess. He did tell me however, that he’s had a bad weekend and went to church with his family on Sunday. He never does go to church, so I can only imagine how he felt about all of this. I just wish I could make him feel better – or rather him letting me help him. But I can’t force him to open up.

Adding into this pile of too-much-thinking I dreamt of Alan last night. We were breaking up all over again and it was just as ugly as the real thing. I remember really having the thought of giving up on men, since my trust was finally broken. However, my dream ended with “remembering” that I had met Paraplegic and he was such a nice guy, that I was not giving up my hope. Not sure what this says about me, but it was a cute thought to wake up to.

I guess there’s still only one thing to do: waiting.