Kevin has been that weird dating friend ever since I met him. Although we did get along perfectly, he never was in the category of really dateable for me. Although we had planned some dates, they never actually happened. He was that unlucky guy who would always be denied when he asked for a date, because I was just dating someone else. In late 2013 he started ignoring me completely. I never got a reason, but he probably was mad for me falling in love with someone else. (December 2012 – 2013)

Gohan vs. Steve

Steve has texted me the following day. As if nothing has ever happened. I didn’t reply. I’m sick of his game. It’s been like this whenever we had an argument. He’ll be sorry and then just act as if nothing has happened. Nope, not gonna work with me. I wanna talk about our problems and not just ignore them. Because I  know that at some point, we’ll have problems if we don’t learn it now. And I know that he has a problem with being in a bad mood, but heck that’s life!? You can’t always expect life to be perfect and all happy.

Also I have gotten his card from holidays, which was sweet. But it just leaves me at a stupid place, where I don’t want to be. I don’t know what to do, or how to react anymore. I don’t want him to think that we can just go over everything just like that, but I want him back, too. I miss him. Way too much. I miss his cute behaviour. The things he used to say. I want my Steve back. Today I said to a co-worker “you see. I have a boyfriend ” – happy face of my co-worker – “but I haven’t talked to him for 3 week so yeah. I’m going off now, get some fun with others”. Not so happy anymore. We’ll see how the weekend goes, because I’m going out now.

Enough of Steve.

I have found myself thinking about Gohan a lot lately. Since the thing with Steve and I is not going very well, I have thought back. I miss him. I  haven’t talked to him ever since, but I miss him. The fun we had. He was such an uncomplicated person, he was just.. him. We never really argued (apart from the pot) and he just was the way he was. He was confident this way and I loved that about him. I know that I had my reasons why I was so angry with him and he wasn’t perfect at all.. Also we would never get along anymore, but it’s just… I have been thinking back of this easy time. When I just left the house for a quick visit to his house. It has been so … easy going. I didn’t have to think about what I said or did, because I just felt comfortable around him. And I miss this. I want someone around me who is easy-going. I don’t want to have to think about whether I can say things or not. I want to be able to tease the people around me, without them  being mad about it. I want to have people around me, which have fun, despite my mood or being. So yes, I miss Gohan. But not as a person, but to be around.

Also Kevin and I have been talking a LOT lately. It just clicks with him.. I almost never feel missunderstood by him and we just always have something to talk about. When I’m texting with Steve, I always feel like searching for a topic he is interested in. But Kevin and I just keep blabbering and chattering about everything and nothing. Also I am talking to him daily as much as I do with Steve monthly. No joking. So yes, I might as well see and date Kevin and see how this goes. By now I really feel like I’m being mean to Kevin for not meeting. Steve had his chance, and he is now messing up. So why not meet Kevin and just see how it goes. Who knows, maybe we won’t even get along. I’m just so over overthinking everything I do just because I don’t know what Steve wants because he won’t talk to me. Is that so wrong?



Some things I have missed out on, so here’s an update on that before I forget again:

Funny story: you remember Pat? The one who told me his name is Pat, but he’s actually called Jamie? Well.. for some weird reason the exact same thing happened with Steve. What is wrong with the world?! I’m still not sure what to think of it, like I know that everybody calls him Steve, but he sent me picture of his passport, where it says Stephan. Like, I know it’s not that big of a difference, but he still kind of lied to me. I asked him why he didn’t tell me his real name, and he was just like “I like Steve more”… what the heck, I don’t call myself another name, just because I don’t like my actual name, do I? Haven’t talked about it anymore, but it’s still weird… not that it matters, because I almost never call him by his name.

Also, I put a counter on the right bar, because hey… I have been dating Steve for 41 days. Which is the longest I can remember…  in a while… The next time I’ll see him (well ignoring tomorrow) it’ll mark our 2 months anniversary. I sound like a 12-year-old, but it IS a big deal for me. I haven’t dated anyone that long with actually seeing those people. Like, on purpose.

Thirdly, I am beyond pissed today. I had a super awful day/night and I was really looking forward to seeing him tonight. He then decided to postpone our date until tomorrow. FOR WHATEVER REASONS, I DO NOT KNOW. I just know that he’s now sitting on facebook, sending me tattoos he likes. What the actual fuck? I thought he at least has a reason to dump me.. but nope. It’s a good thing, because I fell asleep right after I came home and I’m still exhausted.. but I could’ve really needed that cheer-up. Whatevs. If he doesn’t want to spend time with me, that’s okay. Dumbass.

And lastly, Kevin and I had ANOTHER talk. He asked me to date, and I told him why I always ignored him whenever he asked. I said that I’m not someone who’s playing with several guys at once. All he said was, that I’m putting too much into that date. Like, that I get my hopes up and all he wants is to meet me for real and see where things go. So I said that I’m actually dating someone, seeing someone, not just texting. That I would love to see him, but that he should not get his hopes up, that something will happen,  because I am more than just dating Steve. It is turning into a relationship, and I am not okay if he would act like that either. So I told him that and after another argument, he said that he understands what I’m trying to say. So I still don’t know whether I’ll ever see him, but whatever. At least he understands now, that’s a good thing.. right?

Also I have seen a friend of mine 3 times since Friday, which is weird… for me at least. Also I’m going to one of the festivals with him and he argued with my schoolmate, who’s gonna get me. Not sure how serious they are about it, I know that they were joking, but I also know that both of them used to have a crush on me in the past. (And I had one on my schoolmate as well, so…) Weird.

I’m  leaving for holidays on Tuesday, so I guess we’ll see how this is gonna end. And yes, I have been missing Steve lately, so it’s not all that easy on me, I guess. More to come. Somewhen.

things go as expected

… or maybe not.

I was just laying in bed, not being able to sleep (well it’s 9.30pm, but I’m lonely, so I rather sleep).. when I noticed that I haven’t updated you guys on the situation with Steve and the other guys!

I had ‘the’ talk with him last Sunday. He asked AGAIN to see me on Sunday, and I told him that I’m really not into meeting everybody every other day. I think he was a little disappointed but he also said he could just shut up and I should ask for a date whenever I want to see him. This made me kinda sad, because I knew he wouldn’t be happy with the situation so I said that he can ask, I’ll just not say yes every time. He was understanding though, which lifted a HUGE stone from my stomache.

I think a day later or so I told him that I’m in his town on Thursday and Friday but he said he was busy both days, so I was kinda sad – but still knew that we could meet up on Saturday or Sunday. He then told me that he’s gonna go to a festival, which means he’d be out from Friday to Sunday. Well well girl, that went wrong! HOWEVER… Tuesday evening he told me that he would have time on Thursday, so we settled for Thursday. My schoolmate was with me, and I was kinda anxious because I’m super awkward around my schoolmate 😛 it all went well though and they got along quite good. After a couple of hours my schoolmate left, and I spent another few hours with Steve. Before we met, I was a little scared, after our ‘talk’ we had on Sunday. I wasn’t the nicest person. I told him that I’m not sure I’ll be able to have a relationship with him – just because I’m not good at relationships. I also said that I’m not sure that I’ll get feelings, but other than I expected he said that we should just stick it out. Like, continue the way we are and just see where it leads us. We both don’t really know what we’re feeling right now, but we just decided to give it a try. We both know that either one could get hurt, but that’s life… so yes. That was unexpected!

Anyway, so now it’s the day after. I’m sitting here with hickeys on my neck and I’m missing him terribly. I won’t hear much from him the next few days. I’m not jealous though, which is weird. I know that he could get any girl, but I don’t know. I don’t really care, even if he did. As long as I don’t know. I just miss him. I’m home alone, my mom is out and I feel SUPER lonely.

Funny fact: I’m always referring to him as my boyfriend when someone asks. So that’s weird.


On a whole other behalf: the guy from the past texted me last week. Well, no I texted him because I had a question, and we somehow ended up talking all night. He asked me over and I said I don’t want to drive there (it’s a 1-hour-drive) in the middle of the night and that I’m tired. So we settled for the day after – he wasn’t that well and asked me to meet up. Stupid me agreed, so yeah. But the day after I woke up feeling SO terrible. Like, I just knew I couldn’t do it. Not for the sake of me, not for the sake of the friendship with the guy from the past and least of all because I felt unfaithful to Steve (ALTHOUGH it was BEFORE our talk!). So I canceled the date. He didn’t make that much of a big deal. Today he asked again. I said no. He started to make me feel bad – or at least he tried, because it wasn’t working. I think the only reason I said yes last weekend, was because I was in such a dilemma with Steve. But now I’m a lot more confident with the situation. I see Mike and me working out. Somehow. It’s weird but yes. OH and by the way, I also asked Mike whether it’d be okay to see other guys and he was like “why should I be angry about that?”…back to the guy from the past – right now I’m just angry, because he’s acting like a total moron again. He got under my skin last week, because he’s suffering from a burnout. But I had to notice today that he’s not that bad. Because if he really wanted to see me THAT badly, he’d come over to my city, and wouldn’t ask me to go to his HOUSE all the time. So I told him off. Again. And he was pissed.

Kevin asked for a date. I’m not sure whether he was serious, but if he was, I’ll see him tomorrow. So that’ll be interesting. (Showing up on a date with hickeys on your neck – good job girl!)


So that’s my life as of lately. So many guys, so little time and so much confusion every other day. But for now I actually AM happy with Steve. Although he still tries to make my mom notice (those hickeys are hilarious!), but he’s so much better with the ‘clingyness’ now. Oh boy.

things are messed up.

Still. I’m not sure why, but I’m just not into this whole dating thing anymore. I’ll stick to it for another month or so to see if things change again, but Steve is super clingy, which is something I really don’t like after a while. He asked me to see him tomorrow, and I told him no, because I hadn’t had any day for myself for the last 3 weeks and he KNOWS that I’m somebody who needs time off. I get annoyed by people very fast once I spend a lot of time with’em. Like, I can see them regularly, but not every other day. Or I need to switch things up, like meet guy A and then B, that’s okay. So that’s the reason I’m seeing old friends a lot lately, so not to get annoyed by Steve. He was like “but then we won’t see each other for 2 weeks!!”… well, where’s the deal?… it’s not like I see my friends more than once a month, so where’s the deal in not meeting for 2 weeks? What will he do over summer, when we’re both gone for 3 weeks?… I just don’t know how to handle this situation. He’s all into me, and I do notice. Which pushes me away even further. I don’t want to hurt him, so I really want to stick around a little longer. Maybe I just need to put some effort into this, but if it’s going on right this… I really can’t.

He’s a lovely person and he really does look after a person. But there are just certain things I can’t deal with. Like, when we went to shower together my only thought was “he’s watching too much porn”, because he was whispering ‘dirty things’ into my ear, which were a HUGE turn-off. I probably should tell him, but whatevs. If he’s into it. Also he asked me for a picture yesterday. I pretended to be asleep, because I’m sure as hell not gonna send him nudes.

Also it drove me up the walls that he really wanted my mom to find out that he stayed over night. It’s my decision when and how to tell her what is going on in my life, so he should stop leaving “tracks”. Also we had a fight today, because he more or less said that I think he only wants sex from me (just because I said I don’t want to see him every day.. what the…?)

Anyway, we’ll see where things with him go.


On the other hand, Kevin and I are on better terms again. We decided to date at some point. He hasn’t asked for a certain date anymore, but he told me that he wanted to meet before August.. which doesn’t leave too much time left, does it? I probably should just ask him.

Steve was in my bed last night!

Oh wow. Things have gone terribly wrong in this last day and a half.
I don’t know what has ridden me, but somehow I ended up asking Steve over. My mom was out for the night, so I thought: hey why not ask him over.
How stupid am I exactly? Like, it was so forseeable that he would want to sleep with me, right? He has been pushy for the last 3 dates, so what would hold him back, when we’re not out at some public place. Nothing, right.
We were home for less than 5 minutes when he tried it already. I asked him to stop several times and he always said sorry. We somehow still ended up in my bed doing… stuff. The thing is, I really wanted it. I did hesitate, because I still don’t like what my body looks like and whatever, but I wanted him. It didn’t quite work out how he wanted it (I guess you guys know what I want to say) so we ended up taking a shower together, which was real fun (and he apologized a bunch of times, because he really wanted it, but well.. shit happens) We went to bed straight after and I didn’t sleep too much tonight.

This morning I brought him to the train station and went to work. Ever since I left the house I had this weird feeling of “something’s not right”. I don’t know if I just want to back out on a relationship, because I really have a serious issue with trusting and letting people near me. Like I have never noticed this as much as I do right now, but I need so much time for myself, which I do not have in this current situation. I’ve seen Steve 3 times in the last 4 days. That’s just not normal – considering he lives a 2-hour-drive away. Also he is super clingy, which I do NOT like in people at all. I don’t have to complain about anything in his personality or whatever, but… I don’t know.
I was so head over heels since Sunday that this was a huge letdown. Maybe I just wanted it to work out on Sunday and now know that it won’t.

Anyhuu, so I have been doubting what we have. And I asked Kevin for a date. I somehow was just in this ‘fuck it’-mood, because for once in my life I just want to do whatever I want and not think about hurting others. I’m not even sure if Steve is into me anymore. We have been super quiet for the whole drive to the trainstation (it was like 40minutes). And we haven’t really texted too much ever since (we always did when we met before). Probably we’re just both super tired, but I just feel like something’s wrong. And I’m not sure whether it’s on both sides or if it’s just me being anxious.

However, so I asked Kevin for a date. He knows about Steve – so I’m not lying to either one – so his response was “did the other guy dump ya?” He didn’t answer the question, so I thought ‘well that’s an answer, too, then). several minutes later he was like “I’d rather see you before August, so we gotta meet up!”.. so that’s weird.

Guys, what should I do? I really don’t know whether I’m coming or going.
I probably just need to get some sleep and tomorow things will be back to normal. Or maybe not.
I wish I had the time to actually sleep. Fuck.

Date #3 & #4 with Steve

Well… I went to the zoo with a friend and Steve today. I was a little worried first, because although my friend knew about Steve and me,.. he used to have a crush on me, which made it awkward. But everything went better than expected, because they actually got along quite good. Like, they didn’t talk between me and them but interacted with eachother. It was a lovely day and I’m glad Steve has met one of my friends already.

He has asked me to go over to his place again. I said no immediately and he asked why. So I was just like “do you really need an answer to that?”. He knew what I wanted to say. I’m not gonna mess things up again, because I let myself talk into something. He was okay with it. I think. Like I know he was disappointed, but he’ll just have to stick to it. I really want to know if it’s all he wants to get from me. I’m just still very suspicious because he told me that he’s someone who has ONS… and he does message with quite some girls. Like whenever we spend the day together at least 3 different girls are texting him. But whatever.

Either way. We’re going to the movies tomorrow, so we have some ‘us’-time…

Also Kevin has texted me several times today to ask to meet up once again. I have been struggeling about whether to date him or not. I don’t really want to miss out in maybe meeting MY boy. On the other hand it’s not really fair to Steve. BUT they both know that there is another guy, so it’s not like I lie to either one. Still. Right now I’ll stick to Steve and see where things are going. He is talking about being my boyfriend more and more. Like my friend texted me today, asking what I was doing. So I said I was out with my ‘darling’. He then asked whether that was my boyfriend and I just replied “idk”. Steve just smiled at me when he read it, so yeah. Not sure when or if we’re labelling what we have. He just said he would like to get to know me better.
So see ya tomorrow maybe

Kevin’s confusing me

Things with Steve are going great. He’s being such a nice guy, like he really tries not to pressure me. I said that I feel really awkward because guys are aksing me for dates only when I’m dating someone, so he apologized for being so ‘pushy’ (and he asked for another date in the same sentence :-D). He also is trying to give me some space, because he knows that I’m feeling pressured.

ANYWAY. What I actually want to talk about is Kevin: he’s still asking me to go to the festival with him. He even invited me to sleep in his tent, which will definitely not happen. I then somehow ended up telling him that I went on a date on Monday and I apologized because he has been asking me for ages to meet up, and then suddenly there’s that other guy. His response: “well.. if there would have been the interest on both side, we maybe might have dated at some point. But I wasn’t in the mood to drive all the way to you, and you neither. So that’s settled”.

This has made me think a lot. It has startled me, because he just seems to take it so easily.. and I have been feeling super bad since the first date with Steve. Because it really was unfair for Kevin, but life is weird. I’m just still in this in-between-situation, because I really really want to meet Kevin – I owe him that much – BUT I am so scared that something will happen between us and I end up being even more lost than I am now.

Don’t get me wrong. I am super happy with Steve, which does leave me super confused about this whole situation. Maybe it’s better to never meet Kevin?! But like I said, I feel like I owe him that much. We understood each other super well, like our personalities just matched (despite all the arguments and what else), but I also feel like owing Steve to be faithful, although we’re not officially together. I just feel like he’s far more into this whole thing than I am right now. I do like him. A lot. But I feel like he’s already fallen. I’m scared.