Yavin

I met Yavin on a dating app just before Christmas. We texted a bit – and I am sure I did message with him before, but I can’t find any proof and he doesn’t remember – and I really started to like him. A lot. He told me that he was interested in me and we set a date. He did however decide to not text me anymore, and I asked him what was wrong. I never actually got an answer and that was ist. (December 2016 – February 2017)

my 2017.

I was talking to a friend the other day on our way to work. Out of the blue she stated:  “I’m so glad 2017 will be over soon“. Of course I asked her why she thinks so, and she just said that it had been a shitty year. This of course got me thinking. Yes, it definitely has been a shitty year. For me as well.

Just a short recap of my love life:
It started out with the failed date with Yavin. I’ve never ever heard back from him since. Fortunately it didn’t take me too long to get over him, since I’ve never actually met him in reality. I mean I cut my hair short because of him, which was positive, since I had been planning on it a while and never actually went through with it. But it was a pretty crappy way to begin the new year with.

Shortly after I met up with Alan, who I’d known for ages before. I was so happy about meeting him. He felt like “the one”. Sadly I realised with our first argument 3 months later, that he definitely wasn’t the one. He ghosted me after I told him what I wanted. I had tried for like 2 months to talk to him, talk about this whole thing, even save the relationship. But I’ve never heard back from him. I was done with love by then. I was so sad about the break-up that actually wasn’t one at all. I had lost my hope in true love. All seemed so perfect in the beginning.

I decided to concentrate on school from then on. At least it was my final year, I had my essay to write, I had exams to take. There was enough going on to get my mind off things. I think early July when I met Doc on a party was when things started to change. I went out with my friends more, I did school work and so on. However, I still felt lonely. I wanted to get my mind off with other men. So I recreated my Tinder profile.

This is where I met Paraplegic. Early August he messaged me. I wasn’t sure about him, he seemed different. But I just got over myself and met him on August 24th. From then on things changed. I was so happy, I was my old bubbly self. I’ve moved on from Alan. Unfortunately his father passed away on September 13th, which set a huge stone in our path. Everything changed. He backed away. Completely.
I have not met P ever since, and yet I’m still here thinking about him daily. I thought I needed to forget about him, so I recreated Tinder once again early December. I’ve met a few decent guys on there, but there was no intention on actually meeting them in reality. I knew it would take a while to get over P, but I had not imagined it to be that long.
He’s back again. Somewhat. When he asked to see me again. And we’ll see how this continues in 2018.


So yes, looking at 2017 this way, it has been pretty damn shitty. My heart got broken with every try of dating someone. Not once, not twice, but three times. I had given up on love completely a few times, too. And yet, now sitting here, reflecting on the year, I don’t feel bad about it. I believe in love, no matter the outlook right now.

I got to experience – what I feel like might be – true love. I have met incredible people, I’ve found new true friends in school, that I will not trade for anything. I’ve got more presents than the last few years, and well thought-out presents at that! I got accepted for my dream job next year. I’m finally finishing school in just 2 months. I’m back on good terms with my brother. I have a loving relationship with my nephew and niece. There’s not much more I could ask for. I get love from the people around me. And although I might go into 2018 without a boyfriend and feeling somewhat lonely, I’m loved. And perspective is all that is needed in life.

Yes, it has been a shitty year. But a lesson I have learnt just recently is: if I focus on positive things in my life, I will be happy, no matter the circumstances. There’s never going to be all good or all bad. It’ll always be a mix between the two. Sometimes the bad overweighs, sometimes the good. What is important, is to focus on the positive and move on. Reach for my dreams, fight for what I want. And then life is worth it. It is worth the struggle, the hurt, the tears.

Your life is worth what you make out of it. And that’s how I want to end 2017 and start 2018. And although right now P doesn’t seem to be in a place I want him to be, I know he’ll be back in my life in some way. I had hoped to see him before New year’s eve, so as to let the heartbreak in the old year – if it ends up like that. But it’s not gonna happen and that’s perfectly fine as well. I know there are a few people that do think he’s playing with me, but I’m giving it a try nonetheless.
Without darkness, there is no light. Without hurt, there is no love. If there’s an 50% chance of me ending up hurt about him, I still have a 50% chance to end up happy with him. And that’s worth it and what I’ve decided to focus on.

I’m living my life. I fight for what I want, no matter what anyone else says. The one thing I’ve learnt from 2017 is: to trust my gut and just do whatever feels right to me. Because no one else has to live my life but me, no one else knows how things feel, so no one can decide what is right for me.

Merry Christmas and a happy new year, lovely readers. Thank you for being here.

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the guys are going insane!

So. As I mentioned in my last post, I unfriended Yavin on any social media and deleted his number. It actually felt good, not to have an opportunity to text him and I was – surprisingly – dealing well with the situation.

Then on Thursday night I received a text message from him, saying “the more fool you“. I was really surprised to read again from him, so I was just like “about what?”. Let’s be honest. I knew what he was talking about, but I didn’t think he would be mad about me deleting him off everything. HE didn’t want to talk anymore, so where was the problem?

He didn’t reply again, so I just let out what I was holding back for a while now:

Me: I really don’t know what your problem is, but it seems like you have one. But you can’t even open your damn mouth about it. I can not do any more than offering you to forget what has happened and if you can’t even reply to that… then well yeah, the more fool you!

Him: You have already deleted and unfriended me everywhere. So let’s just leave this be. Have a nice time

Me: Yavin, I’m gonna tell you one last time: the way you’ve treated me the last 2 weeks, made me think that you do not want to talk to me no more. I thought we might try again to talk to each other in a normal way, but then you didn’t reply again? I’m not gonna punish myself even more in having to look at your face on social media. I can’t tell you more than that I like you and am interested. If you don’t believe me, I can’t change anything.
I’ve deleted you for the only reason that I do not want to have any way to contact you, not because I don’t want to talk to you. I  know myself, I never give up. And I don’t want to run my head against the wall over and over again. So I just let you decide whether you text again or not.

[ He didn’t reply again for 30 minutes… ]

Me: Well, I guess this is a final goodbye then. No matter how ridiculous this is, I was glad I met you. Goodbye.

I did not get a reply again, and I guess I never will. I really don’t know what his fucking problem is, and honestly… I don’t care anymore. It feels like he has a huge problem with his self-confidence, and I am not willing to put up with that bullshit, if he is treating me that way! I gave him so many chances to get back into this, and he took none. So why should I keep trying?!

On the other hand, he made me go out a lot more again this week and I loved it. I guess that is also the main reason why I am so happy despite everything that has happened.

And on a whole other note: Kenny is back with his girlfriend *lol* Really, this was no surprise to me. I asked him why he went back and he said, that she told him she would change. We all know this is not gonna happen, as their problem is much huger than just what he told her. But who cares really? He also told me yesterday that he really would love to kiss me again, but he can’t. I asked why he can’t (I was drunk and I just wanted him to tell me. I didn’t even have any feelings towards him, so he wouldn’t hurt me – no matter what he said) and he said, so I don’t get my emotions mixed up again. So he would totally cheat on his girlfriend again, but would not kiss me for the sake of my feelings. I actually was laughing out loud about this. He is so fucked up.

Actually. They both are.

goodbye text to Yavin

As I mentioned in my last post, I did write up a text to send to Yavin but decided against it after a few days. I was talking to a friend the other day and she said that I should let my gut decide whether to send the text or not. I told her that I don’t see what I would reach with it, and she said it doesn’t matter whether there’s any outcome, but if my gut tells me to send it, I just should.

I went on with my day that day. Not thinking about that text no more. Yesterday evening I was laying in bed and reread that text and all of a sudden, I did have that gut feeling to send it. So I added some things and changed them up a  bit and sent the following text:

Hey Yavin… look, I actually didn’t want to text you no more and just see if there’s gonna be a text from you. Or how long it’ll take you. But it seems that won’t happen anymore. I’ve been thinking about whether to send this or not. In the end I don’t really have to lose or win anything at all. I just want to let you know a few things:

I’m disappointed in you. The first time in forever I actually thought, you would be different. I really was looking forward to seeing you, getting to know you. I liked to talk to you. And I believed everything you said to me. I let you be, when you didn’t text, I tried to give you time and still kept my hope and belief in you. Just for you to be pigeonholed like any other men. I’m not disappointed that you (seem to) not be interested anymore, but because you just couldn’t send me a short message saying “hey, I’m sorry but this is not what I’m looking for, let’s leave it be here”, but decided to ghost me instead. Searching for excuses why you couldn’t talk, set a date and not even cancel. I really thought you would have more respect. I would have understood and accepted your decision, if you just could have been honest and tell me what your problem was. Like this I’m just not understanding and ask myself all the time, what I could have done different – although I didn’t do anything wrong in the first place.

You really have hurt me a lot with your behaviour and I hope you are aware of that.
Anyway, have a nice time and good night.

I’m not sure if I really can be neutral about it, but I feel like I have been fair enough and not been mean, just stating the facts about how I feel whilst not getting too emotional either. I turned my phone off, because as soon as the thought of actually sending it hit me, my heart started to race. I then went to bed. I even dreamt about that damn text, and that I got no reply back.

I guess my brain knew, before my heart accepted it. I woke up at 6am this morning and finally turned my phone back on. And although I knew there was a chance he wouldn’t react, I didn’t expect him not to. But then… my feeling about him has been wrong all along, why should I be right now?! So, there was no text waiting from him. I deleted his chat. Checked if he had unfriended me on any social media (not the case yet).

So after putting everything into it, I got nothing out of it. Again. But I think I can now move on. The anger is slowly resurfacing and that’s the stage I need to get to, to get over someone. Yes, I have lost a huge bunch of faith and hope into finding a guy again. I’m sick of seeing everybody in love around me. And all of them being so hopeful about love, telling me I will find someone someday when I least expect it. Blah, blah. Just the usual stuff you tell someone that is heartbroken….
But I need to get over my self-sorry ass and move on. I can live with myself, I have done so for the longest time. It shouldn’t be that hard to do so for another 40 years or so.

Goodbye Yavin. I guess it was nice will it lasted. Or maybe not.

how the story went on.

You might have thought of me over the last few days – or maybe you haven’t. Either way:

I’m better. Wednesday night was horrible and I was so worried I would fall back into depression. I was so sad and cried the entire night (it seemed like once the tears flowed, they wouldn’t stop). I got like 3 hours of sleep, looking like a mess when I finally got up at 6am for school. The first time since forever I actually had to put in some effort to put some makeup on, because you could tell that I was crying all night long. I felt horrible. Each time I woke up, I hoped to find a text of Yavin on my phone. But I didn’t.

It is now 3 days later and still no text. I know that he’s okay, since he’s been uploading pictures on instagram and facebook. And by now, I don’t expect to hear from him ever again. I actually caught myself looking for any signs of him deleting my number, or unfriending me on any social media. He hasn’t yet. Some good news: the tears stayed where they belong since Wednesday night. The hope is fading of him being what I imagined him to be. Sure, there still is a tiny sparkle, but I don’t think it will last that much longer. But my heart still skips a beat whenever a message pops up on my phone and I can’t immediately see the sender. I wonder how much longer it’ll take my head to realise, that it never is going to be him.

I would lie if I’d say that it is easy to get over him. It still hurts when I think of him, but the distance is helping. The accepting that he might never text me is helping as well. I just try not to think about it at all, if I’m being honest. My friends asking about him is making this difficult at times. But I just tell them that he hasn’t texted yet and I do not expect him to any time soon. Pushing things away I cannot deal with – my usual way of dealing with it.

I just wish he’d said why this happened. I still do not understand. And I wrote a pretty long text Wednesday night that I wanted to send. But I held myself back and told myself, if I still feel the need to tell him in a week, I might send it. But I actually don’t do so anymore. I even feel like he shouldn’t know how much he’s hurt me. Because what will I get of it? Nothing. If he really needs to know what he’s making me feel, he’s so not worth it. If he can’t think for himself, I do not want him.

What makes it that much harder though, is, that it seems like everybody is falling in love around me. I actually can not name you one friend that is not falling in love or has been in a relationship for the longest time. Even that one friend, that has always been single with me, is now dating. And I would be lying if I’d say I wasn’t jealous. But there’s not really anything to do about it, right?

It’s time to keep my head high and move forward.

no more texts

So let’s not drag this out.

He dumped me.

This entire day I thought he would text me. At least shortly before we were supposed to meet. But then slowly 5pm rolled around, without a text. I tried to get my mind off things. My mom returned on 6pm, asking what was going on. And then when 7pm hit, I knew there would be no more texts. He is online on facebook all the time, so even my excuses of him probably still being busy at work are not valid. Or not having a second to text me. Invalid. I need to look the truth in the eye and stop pretending that he cares.

I was okay throughout the day. I got upset after the third person asked me whether he texted me. I was upset because I believed he would text by then. But he didn’t.
And I feel so so sad. I feel betrayed. And mostly disappointed. I feel like shit, and still the tears won’t come.
After more than a year I finally trusted a guy enough to have a date. To give him the possibility to get into my life. And to be honest, I let him into my heart way too fast. I got my hopes up, way too easily. And that’s the price I gotta pay now. For being so naive. For trusting someone I didn’t know.

I thought he was different. I did nothing wrong, I need to remember this. I am so disappointed, because he didn’t even have to guts to tell me. Ghosting me? This is kindergarten. And it makes me so mad that he doesn’t even tell me what’s going on. How hard is it to just tell someone you’ve never met, that you’re not interested? It’s one simple little text, for god’s sake. Why do people always feel like not texting them anymore is better? What is so hard about being honest and let them go, if you don’t want them in your life? Just let them have an explanation, so they don’t search for faults in themselves. Just let them go.

I was so convinced that he was different. I truly believed in him to be the guy I want to have by my side. He seemed so perfect, so much like me. He seemed like a truthful one. Not playing any games. And still I’m sitting here in bed, thinking there will be a simple explanation. But there isn’t, or he would’ve told me.

I was so wrong. So so wrong. But I should be used to this. Life never gets me what I want. Not that way anyway. Not when it comes to love.

And now the tears finally flow.

Mistrust

I have been feeling like shit today. My mind has not stopped spinning. I just don’t know what to think, feel or expect anymore. I feel mad. And numb. Mainly because I’m upset with myself for finally trusting a guy since Stan… just to be hurt again. For being wrong about a person once more. For allowing hope to bubble up. For expecting him to be different.

I really don’t understand because he is so ambivalent. He tells me that he’s looking forward to seeing me (said so last week) and that he is interested.. but then does nothing to show so. Being so fucking distant, it’s driving me crazy.

I got a text from Yavin late last night. Our whole (!) conversation from yesterday:

[Me sending a poop emoticon]

Him: Going strong 😀

Me: What do you mean?

Him: Sending me your toilet plan

Me: Just thought I should check if it would get a reaction

Him [7hours later]: Haha, yeah yeah it did. I’m busy. Not using my phone that much when my daughter is here.

Me: okay 🙂

I totally get it. I really do. But it was Monday evening. How long does a quick “hi” take? As mentioned in my last post, he has not been keeping up the conversation at all for almost 3 weeks now… I would not complain if it had always been like that. But it hasn’t. We used to write fucking hige texts back and forth. And I have told him before how his lack of conversation was making me feel insecure (that’s when he assured me that he indeed is interested).

I also figured he was mad now. He has never written that way, using punctiations like that. Then I thought I might be paranoid and went back through our conversations. And he never did write like that. So something is up, I’m just not sure what. I mean I asked him a billion times what was going on, without ever getting an actual answer (despite busy or stressful or ill or whatever excuse was around the corner). And slowly I’m losing my trust and faith in the good in him. Although he seemed so perfect, maybe he figured that I wasn’t. Who knows really?

No message today either. I really don’t know what to think anymore. On one hand I don’t think he will dump me, he didn’t seem like that kind of guy. On the other hand I’m not even sure anymore if I want to see him in these circumstances, being that mad and just… distant. So desinterested. Or maybe he will dump me and I just thought of him better than he was? Maybe he has found someone else? Who the hell even knows what is going on in his head… I sure don’t.

I won’t text him. Not anymore. If he doesn’t message me about the time and place, so be it. I really do expect him to text me tomorrow evening at like 6pm for a specific time and place – as if nothing ever was weird. And I don’t know how this’ll make me feel if we do meet up. I want to tell him how I feel, but I also don’t want to be such a pain in the ass. I really don’t know if or what I should expect tomorrow. It probably would be better not to expect anything at all.

So I guess I’ll just have to wait and see. It’s driving me insane though. So insane.

On a bright side, I told myself today that if he really does dump me, I’m going to cut my hair off. Wanted to do so for a while now.

frustrated me

I need to tell you two news. Well, actually it’s just one news and something else I need/should/want to talk about.

First things first: Kenny texted me on Saturday morning letting me know that he broke up with his girlfriend for now. That was kind of unexpected. I did expect him to break up somewhen, but not a few days after talking to him about it – or rather the first opportunity he got when he saw her. He said that they would take a week off and see what’s going on. But just the way he talks, I don’t think they’ll get back together. But I’ll keep y’all updated of course.

How I feel about this?
I honestly don’t know. It was a mixture between fear and happiness when he told me. And I was super proud of him for doing what he told me he would do. I tried to cheer him up somewhat, but it’s hard without getting my emotions involved and what is going on in general. So there’s that.

Then.

As you all might know, I’m think I’m having the date with Yavin in 2 days. I am still very nervous – yet excited for it. And I tried to not think about it most of the last few days, because I got all nervous-butterfly-stomach ache when I did. Just this morning my friend asked me how I felt about it and I said that I was very excited.
However, we haven’t talked to each other since Friday. He hasn’t kept up the conversation once since probably 2 weeks. And although I said to my friend that I didn’t think about it – at least not negatively – tonight it got me thinking. I texted him. Again. We had a brief conversation, but then he didn’t reply again. I don’t know what is going on. Doesn’t he want to see me anymore? Is he just busy? But then he’s online all the time. It’s not that hard to text every once in a while. Right?!

I’m gonna let him be. If he texts me, fine. If he doesn’t, not fine. I’m just scared he won’t ask me about the exact time and place, so it means he doesn’t want to see me. I really don’t want to be dumped. It’s not like I am afraid he doesn’t like me, or is playing with me – I really don’t. But I’m starting to ask myself if I should be afraid. After all, I don’t know him that good.

Just a quick overview:

  • 6th January: he was sick, I told him to let me know if I could do anything and that I liked him. No more messages afterwards for over a week.
  • 14th January: me texting him to ask, if he was still alive and whether I should take it personally that he didn’t reply.
    He told me then “I’m gonna text you, going to bed now though. Bye”
  • 17th January: he texted me about an instagram picture of me and we had the longest conversation ever over the whole day. We were back to texting like we used to in the beginning and the conversation engaged until Wednesday (18th) till mid-afternoon when he all of a sudden stopped texting again.
  • 19th January: he texted me, because I was poking him on facebook to see if he was alive. Very short conversation about sex, then he stopped. Again.
  • 3 days later, today: still no reply, so I sent him an emoticon. Two short sentences of him and then no more reply to mine.

What the hell is going on? We used to talk all day long over the holidays. And he told me last Tuesday how much he loved talking to me.
This seriously is bothering me now. Has he lost interest? Or is it just because he’s back to work? But then he texted me all day long on Tuesday. I know he has access to his phone pretty much all the time. I understand when he spends the weekend with his daughter, so that’s why I didn’t text him. But just breaking off every fucking conversation out of nowhere and not starting a new one in a few days…? Seriously?! Even after I told him it was bothering me?

What the hell is going on?! And how should I react?