arguing

optimism.

After last post, I figured I had to let you know that I am still very much alive. I cried myself to sleep that night, but it did me well. (Although I still haven’t heard from him ever since)

I don’t know where the tears came from, but it was freeing. You know how people tell you that crying is freeing? It really is. I haven’t cried in so long, that I was wondering what was wrong with me. I’m not a huge crier at all, don’t get me wrong. But the sadness I had felt over the last couple of weeks was bound to make me cry, but I never did cry. I felt the tears in my mind, but not in my eyes. Since that night I’ve been waking up with tear stains down my face in the morning, not remembering that I cried… so there’s that.

However. Ever since that crying disaster, I have been feeling a lot better. I am not sure for what reason. Probably for the lack of time thinking about him. Maybe because I have continued that letter I am sending to him (and yes I decided to send it. One last try to make this work). Some part probably is, because writing that letter made me have some (last) hope. I had been daydreaming about him finally understanding what this was all about. And getting a last conversation to make it all clear to him and working through this. Together. Another part probably is, having finally understood, that there is nothing to be sad about. If he doesn’t want to be with me and fight through this, he is not worth my sadness over him. I’m pretty sure it’s gonna be too much work for him to fight for me (for the little outcome he gets). Yet there still is that tiny sparkle of hope left. But we’ll see, I guess. I’ve had the longest time to accept this, maybe I finally did.

Either way, things will move forward – one way or the other. And I need to accept this and be happy. Either with or without him.

I’m sure once this is all gone for good. Like, once he’s back home (which by the way is in a week) and does not reply to my letters or doesn’t want to work through this, the sadness will return. But then the healing can start, because there’s nothing left to do. I’ve done all I possibly can.
My friend told me yesterday that I’ve done way too much to save this relationship. And I know that I have. But I do not want to have to ask myself in the future, why I hadn’t tried everything to save this relationship. Maybe once he’s back, I don’t even want this anymore. Who really knows? My emotions have been all over the place for the last 5 weeks. What else is bound to happen to me? Seriously though. Alan has showed me love again, when I had lost all hope of ever getting that feeling again. We’ve had a wonderful 2 months and I will forever treasure those moments in me. So there’s nothing lost. I’d had a good time with him. If it’s not meant to be, so be it. I have found my purpose in life over the last 5 weeks, which is accepting that I cannot rely my life on finding a man and create a family. I have found that purpose in my work. Helping others. That’s all I can do for now. Everything else I will figure out whilst on the way.

fight

We had our first big fight this weekend. Honestly, I don’t really know why it happened, but I knew it was coming for the last couple of weeks – as of how I was feeling about some things.

I did actually tell him last Friday about how I felt about his behaviour or rather lack thereof. I didn’t really get the answer I wanted to hear. He just said that he would let me know whenever he didn’t want to see me. But this is no reason to not ask to see me during the week, right? Anyway, I let it slip.. because really, what is the reason to keep arguing about it?

He was very loving when I came to his place though, so that was new (apart from that he won’t ever come to pick me up anymore, but waits in his room – but this as well was obvious to happen at some point). Then on Saturday he asked me what I wanted to do. In the morning he mentioned about going to a mountain, but as his father was away with the car I guessed this was off the cards. So I asked what he intended to do and that he obviously didn’t want to go to the mountains with my car, to which he said “why not?”. We were standing in the hallway when he asked again and I said that I had offered him to go to the mountains, but he was all weird about it saying “well then let’s go to the city” and off he went, without waiting for me as he usually does. He was sighing as well, which – let’s be honest here – is the biggest sign of being pissed, right? This really threw me off board and I wasn’t in the mood to talk no more. He asked me what was wrong and I said “nothing”, but didn’t look at him again. He stopped me in the middle of the street, asking again. I said “nothing, let’s just go”. But he stood there and said I should tell him what my problem was. I said “you’re pissed, that’s all” – in a tiny voice. He said he didn’t understand (acoustically) and I wasn’t in the mood to say it again, so I just went on. He held me up again, asking what my fucking problem was – getting really pissed, which upset me even more and I was on the edge of tears already anyway. I didn’t talk and just hugged him, but he didn’t really bother at all.

He stood on the pathway, looking at me and waiting for an answer, I didn’t give him one. We stood there for probably 10 minutes until he lost his shit and was like “what the fuck”. I already way crying, so I just went off to my car and locked myself in. This was a huge déjà-vu to Stan, which I hated. I knew I wanted him to come after me, but I also knew how fucking stupid this was. I bawled my eyes out in the car, reviving all the shit I was going through with Stan. All the hurt got right back at me. At some point I noticed how a car was driving next to mine, and heard that it was his father talking to him. I didn’t bother to look up.

After a few minutes, when I opened the window for some fresh air, he stood next to my car, asking what the fuck my problem was. I wasn’t able to talk, and neither did I wanted to. I just said that I thought he was really pissed, and I didn’t want him to be. He was very very very cold towards me, which upset me even more (once more, just like Stan). I got out of the car, trying to talk to him… but as I said him being that cold just upset me even more. At some point I was just like “do you want me to grab my stuff and just go?!” to which he said it was my choice. Y’all know what I wanted to hear. It was not that.

He was so furious, so at some point I was just like “I’m gonna get my things” and walked back towards his house, as he had the keys I had to wait on him. He didn’t open the door and asked me about a billion times what my fucking problem was. I told him that my head was the fucking problem, I had told him so many times before that it’s hard for me to just not read into his mimics and whatever and that he really had given me the feeling of being bored or annoyed with me. He didn’t seem to care at all. He asked me what I was intending to do about it (my head), and inside of me I lost my shit. I seriously did. What the hell man?! I asked him what he expected me to do? He didn’t say anything. After a while I said “well it would be a start for you to hug me when I’m crying” (instead of standing a foot away from me, crossed arms and just so so cold) to which he said, that I didn’t really show any affection towards him. He didn’t do anything. He didn’t hug me. So after a while I walked towards him and hugged him, he didn’t hug me back so I was like “okay then”. My world shattered.

I don’t really know how we solved that problem. At some point he just said “next time just tell me what the problem is and not throw such a tantrum, okay?”. I totally do understand his point of view, I did behave like a 3yo kid. But him being so cold and distant was breaking my heart, and I knew that fighting with him would never be easy. It was actually worse than with Stan. At least Stan would “defrost” at some point and hold me in his arms. Alan was so distant and thinking about it still makes me tear up. I had to make all those first steps, which I hate. It was the worst experience ever. I didn’t know what to do, because deep inside me I knew I didn’t want to give it up. I knew it was all in my head. But I had hoped he would be a little more understanding. I know he has no patience whatsoever, but I didn’t expect it to be that bad.

I really don’t know what to think. We had a lovely weekend afterwards, and all was good again. And I know that he’s not thought about the situation again, but it has stayed with me for the whole time and it’s making me so scared of the future. I know I need to learn and trust him. I need to believe what he says and not read so much into his non-existant actions. But it’s hard. And I had thought once I told him about my issues, he would be more understanding. It doesn’t seem that way. At these times he seems so selfish, and I really don’t know if it’s my head telling me – because I’m such a sucker at relationships – or it really is that way. Because he can be so loving and forthcoming as well. But then again, he’s not that big on showing emotions at all. He does tell me he loves me, but that’s about all I get. Is this really love from his side? I’m not entirely sure anymore, if I’m being completely honest. And I guess that’s why my insecurities have bubbled up so much these last few days. It makes me scared, that he’ll just dump me at some point.

But still, I don’t want to just give up, like I always did with anyone else. The problem won’t go away, because it’s me. It’s my head, that’s messed up. But this has given my heart a huge scar all over again, and I’m not sure how long it’ll take to heal up.