This post is probably going to be the longest one and way too rambley and I may not read back on it for any typing mistakes, so bear with me.
Explaining to you what I don’t understand myself, is a mission impossible. Today was the first time in a long while that I felt better. Why? I am not sure of. Has it helped talking about you with a friend? Has my friend made me realise where you did me no good? Did it make me feel at peace for knowing I still could not let you go? Has it calmed me, that I am in a situation I have been in just a year ago? You asked me if “I, too, wanted to end things”. It hurts to know that you want to end things, but it seems that only at that time can I think of all the good times we shared. I have now laid in bed, thinking about when I was laying on your chest, listening to your heart beat. How it sometimes made me tear up, knowing this heart belong
ed to me. That maybe one day you would lay your head on my pregnant tummy and listen to our baby’s heartbeat. Knowing you would be overprotective over my belly. Remembering when you held me close at night, and wouldn’t let go off me, no matter how hard I tried. Yes, I do sleep better on my own, but I never struggled with you, because I felt the love. I felt it, before you even told me. I knew you loved me, although you didn’t even allow it yourself to understand. Telling me about that girl in Cairo has hurt me a lot. It has made me question the love you shared, it made me question my own sanity, my own sensitivity to see the feelings around me. Have I been that wrong? Have you really loved me from that early stage I had felt the love, or was it all just a good act from you or maybe I have fooled myself into thinking you already loved me back then? What were true feelings in the beginning? Can I believe my own intuition anymore, now that I know I have been wrong all along?
My mind and heart are in constant struggles.
Today was the first time my mind felt at peace, the first time I was sure I could fall asleep happily. Well, not happy, but at peace. Yet whenever I lie in bed I do start to think about you. It’s worse when you ignore me, it makes me miss all the good times. And my mind knows there are a lot of struggles we would have, even when we overcome this huge thing. My friend told me how she’d react, but she also said “I know you will make your own decision no matter what!”. I replied that I am not at a point where I can let go or say goodbye. I think I only accepted this today, that I am not in a place I could accept a breakup. No matter what you say, I would not be able to let go. Maybe this has set me at peace for a while. Yes, once you do break up with me, I will have to, but it will take me a long long time to do so, that I am sure of. I have experienced this with my ex-boyfriend where I kept on fighting for 3 months, because I was not ready to leave quite yet. I did keep kissing him goodbye. And even on that very last time I broke up with him, I kissed him goodbye. I said “goodbye” with tears in my eyes and kissed him one last time. I needed that ending, that happy ending. And yet I struggled for over 6 months to move on. I feel the same with you, I have not reached the end quite yet. There is still hope. With every breath I take, there is hope that we may overcome this and get through this. I may be naive, I may not accept what is right in front of me, but I am not ready to let go. I am not ready to make new memories and let the memories with you fade. I do not want to go camping with anyone beside you, because this is our memory. I will not use up our tickets left for bob running. Because it was my first with you, it is our memory and I do not want to share this with anyone else. This is how messed up my brain is working. I do not want to mess up memories I shared with you with anyone else, because they belong to you. I want to treasure them with your picture in my mind, nobody else’s.
What I wish for the most, is a new beginning. I wish we could cut the time right now, and just re-“get to know” each other. No other girl from Cairo, no knowledge of all the bad things that happened. I remember how happy I was when we first met at the movies. How much you made me laugh, and how I fell in love in that very first moment you made me laugh. When I saw you standing by your car, and I thought to myself “is this really worth it? Have I made the right decision to agree to this date?” and I never regretted that I gave it a shot. Not once. I always treasured every moment we shared, no matter how much it hurt. I remember how I struggled through my anxiety because of all the people that surrounded us in the pub, yet it felt good to be pushed towards you. It felt good for you to poke me to get closer to me. I liked to be touched by you, although I am not a girl who likes to be touched by someone she does not really know. I was proud to be there with a beautiful man. One that had asked me out.
You asked me if I wanted to go to the sea afterwards, and I said no. Although I wanted to, I was so tired I didn’t want to get weird. What if it was too much for your liking? I remember that time we did go to the sea just a few days later. When you first kissed me and I was so surprised and overwhelmed I didn’t even kiss you back. I remember my thoughts “I love your lips. I will love kissing you. Please do not stop. Please stay with me and let me love you”. I remember how good it even felt when you lay your head on my stomach. I felt the butterflies already. That evening I really fell for you. When I realised you could take care of me, when we had a flat tire. Everything just worked out and I felt save with you.
I remember the next weekend when I was at my brother’s and for some reason you said things I didn’t want to hear. I felt very low even though I was surrounded by people I loved. And then the next day when I was helpless and told you to come and talk to me. You found me sitting on the playground like a wet dog and I didn’t think you would ever touch me again, and even back then the thought of your fingers not caressing my skin made me freak out.
I remember that day we went to the other beach, where you told me that we had no future. I think it was the first time you made me cry in front of you, I cannot recall. I didn’t want to imagine a future without you, although I only knew you a short amount of time. I remember lying next to you and you were so close to my face, yet I knew you wouldn’t kiss me. It hurt so much. And I remember how you kept teasing me, being so close to my lips, yet not kissing me. We went to have dinner and it was a night of shooting stars. I had seen only one in my life until that evening, and I just wished for you to stay in my life forever with each one that fell. I loved that night, because I know it was the night you finally let me in your heart. You invited me in your home and I guess in your heart, too. Or maybe I am wrong about this, too? I do not know.
My body has longed for you from that very first day we met. And it still does. And I am not sure how long it will take until that feeling fades. The truth is, I don’t want it to fade. Maybe I want my heart to ache for you. I don’t want to get over you, for there is still hope in me. For there is too much love longing for getting assurance back that you feel the same.
Not having you near me, just makes my heart ache for you. Although I need time to myself, I still long for your touch. You being close to me, hugging me, always makes me calm at heart, no matter how much I want to hate you. When we talked about our final breakup I tried to man up and not cry. I didn’t succeed for very long, now did I? And from the first tear that rolled down my cheek, I longed for your embrace. I knew I wouldn’t get it, yet I hoped for it. I knew it would make me feel better, no matter how we would part ways. It took you a long time until you spread your arms and I did not hesitate a second to fall into them. Every second I wanted to treasure, for it could be the last. I asked you what you had expected from that conversation and we both knew it would be one of the last ones. Yet I wanted to see you again. And again. And again.
I cannot give up. I do not know why, as my mind gives me all the reasons this relationship could not work out. Yet my heart clings onto that tiny little string of “maybe things will change”. I know that change is needed, for both of us to be happy. I know that it is very hard on you, and I do understand. But I need time and reassurance, I need time to let things settle and work through them. I need time to myself. I wish for a new beginning, so I will not dive head on straight into this relationship again and make you see how I really am. That I do need space. That I need it to treasure what we do have. I wish we could have happy times again. I miss your smile. It’s the thing I miss the most. Despite your lips on mine. Your arms around me. Your hugging tightly when you realise it could be over. Your sad eyes when you know you can’t make me happy at that time. I miss the lights in your eyes you used to have. I miss the fooling around, the tickling and biting. I miss the love marks. I miss you. And our good time. I miss us.