letter

Alan’s coming back!

I should have updated you a while ago, I’m sorry. However I have found this new app “lyf” that has literally saved my life! (It’s an app you can open up a journey and just post like on a blog just smaller, but people can write comments and follow each journey by itself and so on. It really is great for (instant) support!)

So some things have been happening over the last 2 weeks. First of all I got my results of my cervix biopsy back, which turned out to be much worse than they had expected. So I need to get part of it taken out in a month, because the dysplasia has a high chance of turning cancerous. So that sucks.

Yesterday I went to Mr. Cucu’s house and on the way there I put the letter in the mailbox of Alan. I was musing whether to still “send” it or not, because after a very long talk with my mother last week, I realised that I really don’t want to be with him anymore. No matter how much he would try to get me back (which he won’t, I’ve known him good enough for that – or I’d be VERY surprised), he left me hanging for almost 2 months, not once asking how I was doing or apologising for what he’s done or anything. He didn’t even ask back about the results of my smear test, although I told him over 2 months ago! And I also told him how upset I was about him not asking about it. He still didn’t after that! So that’s just horrible, really. Anyway.

Alan is coming home today. I don’t know when exactly, as his flight got delayed again (I saw it on his snapchat, we haven’t talked in over 1.5 weeks since I deleted his number). So I don’t know when he will read that letter.
It ended up getting big – 7 pages big. I wrote a lot about how he made me feel the last few weeks and how I felt in the beginning. And also what I had hoped he would have done instead of how he reacted. I also said that he has made it very easy on himself, leaving that letter at home and just ignoring the problems at hand (did I mention that he hasn’t even read the “breakup” letter and just left it at home and went abroad for 3 weeks? So yeah). I also told him why I reacted the way I did and so on. I know, in the end this just made me that much more vunerable to him. But really? As my heart has shut off in that week whilst he didn’t dare text me (after I told him I will delete his number for the very reason of me not being able to text him again).
It is weird, because I haven’t added another page since this week. I wrote one right after I deleted the number and he didn’t text for a couple of days. When I still had hope left. But I figured why put any more effort into it than I already have, when there’s not going to come back anything at all? But now that I can’t change it anymore, I kind of feel weird. Because the last part was about me waiting on him and blah. And really, so much has changed about my feelings in just a short week. But as I said, as I don’t expect him to make any kind of move or change, it really doesn’t matter. And I might as well tell him in his face, if he decides to have enough courage to see me one more time (he won’t, really!).

I told myself already last week, that if he’s not going to text me (or whatever) until the end of the week, I’m done for good. I mean, I’m already pretty much done, but I would love to just make things straight and explain to him what he’s done to me. But also give him the chance to make up for all the faults he’s done. But I just have this feeling that I will not hear back from him that soon. And I’m okay with it.
Really. I’ve had almost 2 months now to be okay with us breaking up, and I guess it has been enough time for me to shut down. Also seeing the reaction of my friends, who all told me that he will never be able to communicate… it just proved my point, without me having to say it out loud.

I will keep you updated if he choses to talk to me. Otherwise – next one! 🙂

Welcome back

I wish I could say the time abroad had helped. It actually did. For the time being. I did not have any access to internet, which happened to be my safe haven. 

The first 2 days were the worst. I missed him so much. I was not able to sleep without a tear lost in the sheets. I hugged the pillows, daydreaming about being with him.

He asked me to tell him whether I had landed safely before my flight took off (so some caring is still left in there -somewhere, out of my reach). But apart from making sure we both survived the flights, there was no more contact. And it turned out to be a good thing for me.

By day 3 I had gotten used to the idea of being without him. Of this breakup I had intended. I kept everything bad about him in mind, which helped a lot. I got to a stage where it didn’t hurt to think about him anymore. Where I was just wondering whether he’s having a nice trip. But there still was a daydreaming part of being away with him. Of picking him up at the airport in 2 weeks to welcome him back. But I’m scared. And I can’t do it. I fear his reaction.

I have written a letter to him since I’ve come back home. I’m not sure if I will ever send it. But I need to point my emotions towards something. And there is still some tiny spark of hope left in me. For whatever reason. Is unknown even to me.

As I said things were good until I got home. I switched the internet back on. Even received a message from him, which I did not expect at all (although it was all neutral about his trip)… and then logged onto my facebook. 2 weekish ago I have talked to Ken again. He has a girlfriend now, so all is good. We became friends on facebook once more. I did put a status that I’d be abroad when I left. Ken commented “why did you not tell me earlier?” (he works at the airport). Alan liked his comment, rather than my status. Alan knows that Ken is my ex. And part of our story. Which just once more shows me that… I can’t even explain what. It just told me that he thinks my ex is more involved in my life than he is. There were so many comments, but he only liked this damned one. Although he should have known that I did not want to see Ken again. He knew we were not on good terms before (maybe that’s the problem, because all of a sudden we are?!)

I hate the internet right now. I really do. It makes me stalk him. It makes me mad and sad. I wish I could leave it all behind. Live in peace. I did not bother about him not texting me all week long when I was ‘offline’. But as soon as I had access to internet again, I got upset because I knew he had been online and didn’t text me. How wicked is this brain?!

I just can’t do this anymore. I wish I could just let go of that hope that is still left in me. I really don’t know why I cling onto it. He gives me no reason whatsoever. He does not tell me anything friendly, even less romantically. He has not given me an answer to my last letter. There’s nothing. And he seems happy abroad. Without me. He seems fine with this breakup. As he said, he probably has just “accepted it” and moved on. As he said he would right in the beginning of this relationship. Not the one. Next one.

I should just leave it be. Get over this mess I created myself.

how will we continue? | offering my feelings.

I am sorry for this very long post yesterday. I just needed to get some things off my chest. I did send that exact text to Stan. What for? I do not really know, to be honest. I don’t really expect an answer. I am pretty sure that he will read it. But why did I send it to him? I don’t know. Maybe I just wanted to let him know how I feel about this situation. Because I can not put these things into words when he is next to me. I am way better in collecting my feelings while I type them out. Because the more I get into them, the more feelings flow. Maybe that is a solution? I have been thinking about creating a blog I will give the address to him so he can read how I feel whenever. But would he? Does he even want to know how I feel? I’m not sure.

Stan has asked to see me again tomorrow after work. I don’t know what to expect. I’m not really hoping for a prompt solution. I don’t know what he wants to tell me for we have kept arguing ever since Monday. He did ask me yesterday if I, too, wanted to end things. If I wanted to talk once more, because he wanted to let me know a few more things. Or whether I wanted to just let it be and move on. I told him that I didn’t want to end the relationship for lack of feelings, but that I wanted this to end so the pain would end. And I said I would like to talk once more. He just suggested a time and that was it. It felt like talking business. No more feelings involved.

I sent the text this morning. He has texted me saying “no I don’t understand English and I have no time to think about what you mean. It’s a pity, but I’m not you”. I didn’t want to change the language to my mother tongue, because for some weird reason I can type out my feelings way better in English. So I translated it for him.
…. He has now broken up with me. We will talk once more tomorrow in person. He said that he hasn’t been completely honest and he wants to tell me about it. He thanked me for the text, that it has been beautiful and cute, but that it was too late. That I couldn’t touch him anymore with something like this. That in the future I need to trust my partner that he is trying to make me happy. That he never wanted to make me unhappy. That he wanted to have a relationship for life with me. but that I didn’t trust him. He has given up when he realised I wasn’t happy with him anymore. He has given up, because he wants someone else to have a chance to make me happy.

I have been crying ever since. It is very hard on me and I am not sure I can handle this pain. I really don’t.

the story of Stan and I.

This post is probably going to be the longest one and way too rambley and I may not read back on it for any typing mistakes, so bear with me.

Explaining to you what I don’t understand myself, is a mission impossible. Today was the first time in a long while that I felt better. Why? I am not sure of. Has it helped talking about you with a friend? Has my friend made me realise where you did me no good? Did it make me feel at peace for knowing I still could not let you go? Has it calmed me, that I am in a situation I have been in just a year ago? You asked me if “I, too, wanted to end things”. It hurts to know that you want to end things, but it seems that only at that time can I think of all the good times we shared. I have now laid in bed, thinking about when I was laying on your chest, listening to your heart beat. How it sometimes made me tear up, knowing this heart belonged to me. That maybe one day you would lay your head on my pregnant tummy and listen to our baby’s heartbeat. Knowing you would be overprotective over my belly. Remembering when you held me close at night, and wouldn’t let go off me, no matter how hard I tried. Yes, I do sleep better on my own, but I never struggled with you, because I felt the love. I felt it, before you even told me. I knew you loved me, although you didn’t even allow it yourself to understand. Telling me about that girl in Cairo has hurt me a lot. It has made me question the love you shared, it made me question my own sanity, my own sensitivity to see the feelings around me. Have I been that wrong? Have you really loved me from that early stage I had felt the love, or was it all just a good act from you or maybe I have fooled myself into thinking you already loved me back then? What were true feelings in the beginning? Can I believe my own intuition anymore, now that I know I have been wrong all along?
My mind and heart are in constant struggles.

Today was the first time my mind felt at peace, the first time I was sure I could fall asleep happily. Well, not happy, but at peace. Yet whenever I lie in bed I do start to think about you. It’s worse when you ignore me, it makes me miss all the good times. And my mind knows there are a lot of struggles we would have, even when we overcome this huge thing. My friend told me how she’d react, but she also said “I know you will make your own decision no matter what!”. I replied that I am not at a point where I can let go or say goodbye. I think I only accepted this today, that I am not in a place I could accept a breakup. No matter what you say, I would not be able to let go. Maybe this has set me at peace for a while. Yes, once you do break up with me, I will have to, but it will take me a long long time to do so, that I am sure of. I have experienced this with my ex-boyfriend where I kept on fighting for 3 months, because I was not ready to leave quite yet. I did keep kissing him goodbye. And even on that very last time I broke up with him, I kissed him goodbye. I said “goodbye” with tears in my eyes and kissed him one last time. I needed that ending, that happy ending. And yet I struggled for over 6 months to move on. I feel the same with you, I have not reached the end quite yet. There is still hope. With every breath I take, there is hope that we may overcome this and get through this. I may be naive, I may not accept what is right in front of me, but I am not ready to let go. I am not ready to make new memories and let the memories with you fade. I do not want to go camping with anyone beside you, because this is our memory. I will not use up our tickets left for bob running. Because it was my first with you, it is our memory and I do not want to share this with anyone else. This is how messed up my brain is working. I do not want to mess up memories I shared with you with anyone else, because they belong to you. I want to treasure them with your picture in my mind, nobody else’s.

What I wish for the most, is a new beginning. I wish we could cut the time right now, and just re-“get to know” each other. No other girl from Cairo, no knowledge of all the bad things that happened. I remember how happy I was when we first met at the movies. How much you made me laugh, and how I fell in love in that very first moment you made me laugh. When I saw you standing by your car, and I thought to myself “is this really worth it? Have I made the right decision to agree to this date?” and I never regretted that I gave it a shot. Not once. I always treasured every moment we shared, no matter how much it hurt. I remember how I struggled through my anxiety because of all the people that surrounded us in the pub, yet it felt good to be pushed towards you. It felt good for you to poke me to get closer to me. I liked to be touched by you, although I am not a girl who likes to be touched by someone she does not really know. I was proud to be there with a beautiful man. One that had asked me out.
You asked me if I wanted to go to the sea afterwards, and I said no. Although I wanted to, I was so tired I didn’t want to get weird. What if it was too much for your liking? I remember that time we did go to the sea just a few days later. When you first kissed me and I was so surprised and overwhelmed I didn’t even kiss you back. I remember my thoughts “I love your lips. I will love kissing you. Please do not stop. Please stay with me and let me love you”. I remember how good it even felt when you lay your head on my stomach. I felt the butterflies already. That evening I really fell for you. When I realised you could take care of me, when we had a flat tire. Everything just worked out and I felt save with you.
I remember the next weekend when I was at my brother’s and for some reason you said things I didn’t want to hear. I felt very low even though I was surrounded by people I loved. And then the next day when I was helpless and told you to come and talk to me. You found me sitting on the playground like a wet dog and I didn’t think you would ever touch me again, and even back then the thought of your fingers not caressing my skin made me freak out.
I remember that day we went to the other beach, where you told me that we had no future. I think it was the first time you made me cry in front of you, I cannot recall. I didn’t want to imagine a future without you, although I only knew you a short amount of time. I remember lying next to you and you were so close to my face, yet I knew you wouldn’t kiss me. It hurt so much. And I remember how you kept teasing me, being so close to my lips, yet not kissing me. We went to have dinner and it was a night of shooting stars. I had seen only one in my life until that evening, and I just wished for you to stay in my life forever with each one that fell. I loved that night, because I know it was the night you finally let me in your heart. You invited me in your home and I guess in your heart, too. Or maybe I am wrong about this, too? I do not know.
My body has longed for you from that very first day we met. And it still does. And I am not sure how long it will take until that feeling fades. The truth is, I don’t want it to fade. Maybe I want my heart to ache for you. I don’t want to get over you, for there is still hope in me. For there is too much love longing for getting assurance back that you feel the same.

Not having you near me, just makes my heart ache for you. Although I need time to myself, I still long for your touch. You being close to me, hugging me, always makes me calm at heart, no matter how much I want to hate you. When we talked about our final breakup I tried to man up and not cry. I didn’t succeed for very long, now did I? And from the first tear that rolled down my cheek, I longed for your embrace. I knew I wouldn’t get it, yet I hoped for it. I knew it would make me feel better, no matter how we would part ways. It took you a long time until you spread your arms and I did not hesitate a second to fall into them. Every second I wanted to treasure, for it could be the last. I asked you what you had expected from that conversation and we both knew it would be one of the last ones. Yet I wanted to see you again. And again. And again.

I cannot give up. I do not know why, as my mind gives me all the reasons this relationship could not work out. Yet my heart clings onto that tiny little string of “maybe things will change”. I know that change is needed, for both of us to be happy. I know that it is very hard on you, and I do understand. But I need time and reassurance, I need time to let things settle and work through them. I need time to myself. I wish for a new beginning, so I will not dive head on straight into this relationship again and make you see how I really am. That I do need space. That I need it to treasure what we do have. I wish we could have happy times again. I miss your smile. It’s the thing I miss the most. Despite your lips on mine. Your arms around me. Your hugging tightly when you realise it could be over. Your sad eyes when you know you can’t make me happy at that time. I miss the lights in your eyes you used to have. I miss the fooling around, the tickling and biting. I miss the love marks. I miss you. And our good time. I miss us.

my letter | to Stan.

I have been thinking a lot these last few days and even if we have discussed a lot already, I want to talk about a few things.

I have asked myself when things started to go wrong, when I gave up or when I shut my feelings off. It always comes down to 2 events. One of them was, when I talked about my fear of having cervix cancer. And the next day you told me to man up and not be such a pussy about it. That I shouldn’t always self pity myself about my health. I’m a person who doesn’t really talk about her fears and worries very much. And with what you said, you have broken my trust immensely.
The other thing was, when you said to me that you do not fit into my life after you met my mother. I’m a person who cannot simply open up to someone. I do not talk about my past. Or my mistakes I made. Letting someone into my life is hard for me. But I trusted you and I let you into a huge part of my life: my mother. And then you said that thing and yes, I shut off. Adding into that, you always said that I wouldn’t let you into my life, that you didn’t know me, that I was a stranger to you. But you know so much about me not even my closest friends know about me. I think the biggest part of my feelings have subsided that evening, because you hurt me a lot with that one sentence. And with every accusation or mistrust from you, you destroyed a little more of my trust. And I have told you before, without trust I cannot show my emotions. I’m gonna be honest: Yes, you need to do a lot to gain my trust back. I cannot build that trust just like that, I need you to prove that you deserve my trust. And discussing our problems and having doubts about my feelings will not improve that situation.

It’s not true that I have deleted my feelings. Quite the opposite actually. If I had, I wouldn’t be so hurt by what you keep saying. I would be happier without you. And yes, honestly, I had hoped to feel better or that I could live on without you a little better than I do. But all these accusations and negative thoughts have irritated me. Messages like “I hate you” (which he said just the other day) or “asshole” or that I’m a bitch. So many accusations from you, I never had a chance to prove you wrong in. I am not going in for work this weekend because I don’t want to see you. I’m going into work because I’m a social and helpful person, because I try to help everyone. Yes, sometimes my boyfriend will go short, but not because I want him to, but because I’m here for everyone. For the last few weeks you always thought that I am trying to hurt you doing such things, rather than that it’s my intention to help the others rather than hurting you. But my actions never had anything to do with our relationship. When they asked me to step in at the weekend, I just wanted to help them. Yes, maybe, deep down I didn’t want to be alone that weekend, knowing that we’re having issues and the possibility of being alone at home was frightening me. Maybe I wanted to avoid further accusations or confrontations. But I did not step in for the reason of not seeing you, or I’d rather have told you that I didn’t want to see you. Simple as that.

I know I have hurt you a lot this last week. But so have you. And I have reached a point, where I just “hurt back”, because I don’t know what to think or how to react. It’s an act to try and get you to show me that you still love me. You know that for yourself, because that’s what you’ve done to me a lot in the beginning of our relationship. But you reacted the opposite of me. You didn’t give me the security that you love me – you did the opposite of what you expected of me back then. No, you deleted my number, told me you hated me and told me I was nothing special. Does anything of these thing tell you “there are feelings. Fight for me”…? Not for me. Quite the opposite.
When you physically hurt me on Sunday, I have shut off completely. Because it showed me that you do not respect me and do not take me seriously. Because otherwise you would have let go when I asked you to. It didn’t bother me so much that you physically hurt me, but how you didn’t understand that you mistreated me and my trust in you. You have always just talked about how it’s a sign of love. But love means respect and acceptance and not grabbing someone when they don’t want to be hold. That day I have lost the rest of the little trust I had left. That was one step too far.

I have shut off my mobile a lot this week, because I didn’t want to be confronted with the pain and the feelings I had. I went into work with fever, because it’s the only place I can get my mind off things for a little while. Where I can shut off my brain for 5 minutes while taking blood from a patient. But as soon as I leave the hospital, tears are showing up and I have to force myself not to think about us. I didn’t care about my qualification or how good of a mark I got. I was just there and listened without any interest. (And he knows how much my apprenticeship means to me.)

Yes, I frantically have tried to forget you this week. And I already told you that my brain is fighting my heart right now. And I’m gonna be the one who’s not going to get over you for a long time. I have tried to be angry at you, and I succeeded whenever I talked about you with a friend. But as soon as I was by myself, my heart won over again. Yes, I have thought about all the bad things that have happened and still, my anger subsides all the time. And that’s a new for me.
I fell asleep with your bunny yesterday and yet I didn’t want to read any word of you. That’s how conflicting I feel and that’s how helpless I feel.
I know that I love you, but there are a lot of things that would have to change to make it work. And I already told you that I do not think that you can get used to my personality. I only sense hate and disgust from you, and I have once told you that if I ever do not feel anything from you anymore, I’m going to give up. Yes, I am not the one who is running after you like a dog, not like this. But I am a person who will always keep people in her heart, that have gotten that far. And even if you’d return in half a year, I’d still be here waiting with open arms. Because when I once loved someone, I will always have them in my heart, no matter what.

I don’t know what our future holds for us or how this is going to continue. But we both know, it’s not working out like this. I’m sorry that you have missed your chance of emigrating to Cairo because of me. But I’m sure that if life has planned for you to emigrate, you will get another chance to leave. I have never wanted to hold you back from your happiness, I hope you know that.
I have reached a point, where I’m not sure if feelings are enough. Not in the sense of having too little feelings for you – the opposite – but that I question if we can fulfil the wishes and conditions of the other.

What I miss in this relationship is your understanding – or at least the try to understand my view. When I think about it, I have never felt understood by you. In one thing you did understand me: my relationship to my father. But not when we had a different point of view on things. And I’m a person, who always tries and understands both points of view. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I don’t. But you have always just tried to make me change my mind to your view and didn’t even try to understand my point of view. I have realised this last Sunday when you grabbed me and got abusive. You just saw that it’s an act of love, of not wanting to let me go or losing me. But that I was scared of you, that I felt betrayed or that you handled me without any respect – that didn’t cross your mind.
And that’s why I said you need to accept me for my personality, appreciate it and accept it or we leave it be. Yes, I am eager to compromise and both will change in a relationship. But I cannot change as much as you ask me to right now. I need the opportunity to gain my trust again and it’s your job to make me get that.

I don’t know how that’s gonna continue. I have absolutely no clue, but I love you. And I will keep the good times in mind, no matter what’ll happen.

I love you.
Chubby.

He’s coming home tomorrow.. and what about my ex?

These last few days have been very demanding and hard for me. My heart wants one thing, my mind the other. Whenever my mind speaks, I know it’s for the better to break up with Stan. When my hearts takes over, I know that I still love him very much and do not want to end things and see a future without him.

Yes, he would have been Mr. Perfect when it came to our future plans. We had very much in common, when it came to the future. Children. Emigrating. Not breaking up over little things. So maybe a perfect match between Momo and Stan would be my man. I don’t know why but my mind has wandered to Momo a lot these last few months. For one I feel like everything was so easy with him. The getting to know, the staying together. Yes, the ending was not very nice and I know I would have not become happy with him, yet I keep thinking about all the good things we had. And yes, if he had been older or further on in life as an adult, it would have been perfect. It makes me sad, yes. So meeting Stan who has all these things I didn’t get from Momo was making me hopeful. Yet, now that we have been together for 2 months, I also realise that I cannot simply ignore all the other things that aren’t what I want.

I have written Stan a letter. We have been arguing or rather discussing in the last few days. Not as much as we used to when he’s home, but still we talked. He did delete my number at one point and didn’t reply so I texted him again. I didn’t want him to just give up, because it’s wrong. This morning I wrote him a letter – I might write things down and post it here later on – and have driven over to his place and put it in front of his door. I do not know what he will think of it or how he will react. I’m not gonna be anywhere close when he’s getting home. I do not know if he even will read it, like that last time I wrote him a letter (when he got mad that I wrote his name on it, instead of “honey” or “darling”…). I have written down all the things that have been going through my head this week and it sure as hell did feel like the last time driving there. I don’t think he can live up to what I expect of him. I don’t think he will change these things for me, no matter how much he claims to feel for me. He is 35, he has his mind set to what he wants from life and I guess I’m the wrong one to make him open his mind and change some little views he has on relationship. Who am I to question his views being 10 years younger? I guess that’s what he’ll think.

I have kind of put my mind to being single again. I expected to cry when I drove up there. Yes, I did relive a lot of situations on my ride, but I did not cry. I walked up to his door and put the letter down and left again. His cat came to say goodbye, so yes it did feel like final goodbyes to me. I cannot imagine myself to drive up there again. Yet I do not know what to expect from my – or rather our – future. Sure, I hope we can figure things out, in the end I do love him and I have opened up to him which takes a lot for me… but I also know that it takes a lot more than that to have a functioning and loving relationship. And that’s what I need to remind myself of. My body is telling me to sit back and get healthy again (I’m still fighting fever for almost 2 weeks now), my pain has increased hugely since our fight on Sunday and I do know it is all caused by my psychical stress. Adding into that a whole lot of busy work and my life is a complete mess. So I’m trying to just fight through it and hope that it soon will subside. Until then I apologise for messy posts and confusing thoughts of mine.