falling in love

finding love

I texted Doc on Friday, asking “do you feel like meeting up for a drink sometimes, if you find the time?” I don’t know where all the courage came from, but honestly… I already knew the answer I would get. And I knew by asking that I would know where I’m standing with him.
I also wanted to give him a chance of an excuse (no time), so he didn’t have to dump me. I figured he was the kind of person, that wasn’t able to really tell someone that he was not interested. I don’t mean this in any bad way, I’m the same. I just figured he was too nice to be that honest to hurt someone.

After I sent it I waited… and waited… and waited. There was no reply that evening. Which wasn’t that much of a surprise, as I usually got an answer super late from him. On Saturday morning there was still nothing. Neither on Sunday morning. I started to feel sad, not about him dumping me.. but just because I hadn’t thought he was the kind of guy to be ghosting me. I never actually lost the hope in him replying.. I was just,.. surprised. I can’t really describe the feeling, as I always knew he would text me at some point. But then I knew how wrong I was about Alan, so I don’t really trust my knowledge in human nature anymore. I didn’t know if I was wrong once again. I really didn’t want to be.

Turns out, I wasn’t. This evening I got a text, saying: “Yes, I would like to meet up, but the time is the crucial part… as you have experienced by me only replying now.”
I wasn’t even sad, as I expected exactly this answer. I was actually proud of me for asking in the first place and not holding back from possibly being turned down. I did text him back, that he should let me know whenever he was free and wanted to see me, as I’m quite spontaneous. I don’t expect this to ever happen, but who really knows?!

I wasn’t exactly sad. Not in a way that I have been before, when I got such an answer from someone. But then again, I think it’s because I knew beforehand that I’m not actually his type of girl. Or that’s what I think anyway.
And it got me thinking… Why just give up? Love is not meant to be “plain and easy”. I can’t expect to meet someone, talk to them for 2 weeks and then be happily in love. That probably is one reason why my relationships never worked out, as I was always so impatient. I need to really get to know someone. Even if it takes a year or even longer, who cares? Maybe he needs time for himself. He is busy, and I understand that I’m not a priority. I don’t even expect to be one. I know that if he really wanted to see me, he would find the time… but it’s not the case, and that’s totally fine.

Maybe this is meant to be a lesson for my patience in finding love. Who really knows?
When I think back to how Momo and I got together, it was actually the same. We met, we texted a lot, we had sex.. and I always asked myself what I was doing. Why we couldn’t just put a label on what we had? Why we couldn’t just fall in love with each other. But I kept doing what I knew I could deal with. And in the end (2 months later) we figured out, that we do match pretty good and this could work out. And it did (for the time being).

Maybe this is the same? Or maybe fate just made me meet him to forget about Alan (which actually really has worked. He has been on my mind a lot less, and whenever he is, I’m not hurt anymore.. so that’s great).

Who really knows? I’m just living life and enjoying what I have. Who even needs to think nonstop about finding the one? It’s never going to happen that way, and I know that.

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drama drama baby.

There literally is ONE word to describe the last weekend of mine: drama.

I was really looking forward to the weekend, because Dino would be spending 4 days with me. Also I knew he would spend 3 nights in the same tent as me, so I was a little over excited about that. Like I told you in my last post, on Sunday the week before he dry humped me and just hit on me quite obviously. So I was expecting that something would happen this weekend. Well, he more or less continued where he left the week before, so we were joking about having sex together and what not. The first night, there was a couple in a tent near us, who had sex and the girl was moaning. So we started laughing, but we both got horny. Didn’t do a thing about it though. The day after he said, that he needs to get me into a certain situation so that he would sleep with me. We somehow ended up talking about what we’re into, and he said that I’m a softy, while he really isn’t. He also told me that he’s not one for one-night.stands usually, but he’s had 2 years of heart-break so he doesn’t want a relationship at all. Blahblah. Somehow he ended up telling me that he needs to find a girl for that night and I was like: “well go ahead, I won’t hold you back.” Sure as hell I was jealous, but what could I tell him?

Anyhow, Saturday night we were out alone because we lost the other guys, so we ended up going out for a drink and dancing. He started talking to me like, that he really likes me as a friend and that he’s not sure whether he would want to sleep with me and therefore ruin what we have. That he doesn’t want a relationship and he thinks that would hurt me and what not. I mean he was right. But when he asked me whether I’m okay with it I said I don’t know. I really don’t know what I expected. I just love to hold him and squeeze him and tickle him, because he hates it. But he has the worst mood swings ever – just like me. So this morning we woke up and ended up fighting and I stayed back to have a cry. That’s how much I’ve gotten to like him.

I just… I’ma little lost right now. I’m not sure whether I will EVER see him again. I even invited him over to my place, which.. I never do. But oh well.

Apart from that, I should’ve met the guy from the past, but he decided to just not reply to my text messages anymore, so that was a big failure. BUT I bumped into Bear and it was real fun, because once I was gone, he hit on me again on facebook. But we didn’t cross each others way again, so yeah.

Other post coming up tomorrow about Steve.