It is so fascinating to me, how much can happen or change in just one single day.
I wish I could tell y’all that I’m over Alan. I really do. But I’m not. Not in the least.
He came home last Monday after yet another delayed flight. No surprises: He has not texted me so far. I had days when I felt like I got over him, and then the very next day I would feel that sadness again. Some days I had given up all hope of ever getting back together with him, the next day I would just imagine being with him – because there was no other choice in my mind than being with him.
This last week has been hard on me. Probably more so than whilst Alan being abroad. Because I always had excuses why he wouldn’t talk to me then. Now those reasons are gone, and it’s just his choice.
I talked to my acupuncturist about all of this and she said something very beautiful to me:
You know, there are good guys out there. The sad part is, that whenever you fall in love with a bad one, it makes you lose trust in ever finding a good one.
This completely hit home for me, because it was just how I felt. The days on which I had given up on Alan and I, felt like I would be alone forever. And also that there are no good guys out there. Simply because I had thought so well of Alan in the beginning. He really did make me feel like he was the one. Obviously I was very wrong about this.
So. Turn in story.
For the longest time a few friends and I had decided to go to a party on Friday (yesterday). I was looking forward to getting tipsy and just forget about Alan for a few hours. But when Friday came, I woke up and I just knew it wouldn’t be a good day. I really didn’t want to go out and celebrate, yet I knew I had promised everyone I would come.
When I finally got myself ready and went to the train, I left Alan a message on snapchat. I told him to stay safe in the weather we’re currently experiencing – knowing that he’s outside for the whole weekend. I just wanted to let him know, that I still think of him and still care. I don’t know what exactly I had expected of him afterwards, but it was more than what I got. He replied pretty quickly, which surprised me. At first I didn’t want to read it, but then I knew it would be wrong to do it once I was tipsy/drunk. Me drunk texting is always bad. So I opened it, and all I got was a simple “thank you 🙂 “. Nothing else. Not asking how I was. Or “you, too”. Nothing.
And at that moment I knew things were done for real. That I would not get an answer ever. That he had long given up on us.
Now the real problem started. I knew that if I would get drunk, I’d be ugly crying about this. Whenever I am already sad and then drink, it just doesn’t end well. One friend I met up with, maybe saw me for 5 seconds and asked “what is wrong?”. But I knew if I would have to talk about it now, I’d already start crying.
However, it didn’t take long anyway. My friends saw that something was wrong, whenever I would zone out during dinner and think about how Alan has been treating me. At some point one friend asked me how things were with Alan. And I started crying. Everybody was having fun, laughing. So I felt really really stupid. Fortunately it didn’t last long, because said friend made me laugh right after. Everybody knows the story, so it wasn’t that big of a deal.
My friend held out her glass with alcohol – and I very gladly accepted it. Because I wanted those feelings to go away.