moving on

Plan B starts now!

The thing with Matt ended up being a very short fling. Not because I didn’t want to invest any time, but because I ended up at the same exact spot like with P.
I wanted to see Matt again, so I asked him when we could meet up next. He got very quiet after we’ve seen each other last week, and he didn’t reply for a while. He then said that it’s gonna be hard to find time from now on. I found this hilarious, since he had given me so many possible dates when we first started talking about it. So I just gave up. Rethinking about the situation, he probably didn’t ‘feel’ the same thing as me. And that’s totally fine. It was good to somewhat help get over P.

I say somewhat. Because I have been thinking about P a little more again. I guess mostly because I have spent some time with people that know about the situation. My colleagues and other friends don’t even know about him, neither does my mom. So no questions. But I had 2 days of school and everyone asked about him, so of course my thoughts have surfaced. Two friends even gave me a present connected to him, they bought it when we were still dating. I know they meant well, but I told them I could not use it right now, since I still can’t seem to shake him off completely.
I did however finally realise that it’s not gonna work. There’s no need to invest any more feelings and time into him. Because if I’ve learned one thing over the last few failed (attempts of) relationships, it’s that if the effort is one-sided, there’s no need to continue. It doesn’t matter how much it feels right to me, how much I know we would work out quite well, if he doesn’t feel the need to be interested in my life, there’s no point. No matter how much I feel felt towards him. No matter how right it felt to me, it is NOT the ‘right thing’ if it’s just you in it.
Yes, it hurts. A shit tone at that. But I need to remember this. Since I returned from my holidays I heard from him twice. Twice in 3 weeks, whilst we used to text every. single. day. And that’s how things roll since I have stopped putting in any effort. And that’s what I got, so I need to accept this.

I was able to push these thoughts away during work. I was exhausted in the evenings, so I didn’t really have time to think about him. But lately… I miss him again.
And I’m angry. And disappointed that even though he felt the same connection, he did not want to overcome his worries and just give us a try. Yes, I’m angry. I’m so mad at him, because I know we would have matched so well. I’m even mad that not even did he NOT give us a chance, but he denied seeing me again at all. He’s a coward. And that makes me sad. Sad that he would not give love a try, because there was nothing to lose, really.
I hope one day he realises what he’s lost. I wish I could say one day when it wouldn’t be too late. But I guess that already happened. You know… I could have hung on… but I needed some sort of interest. And him not even replying to normal questions anymore… well he’s gone.

A week or so ago, I realised that I have given up, when I started changing my plan of life. I know that when I met P, I thought I might spend New Year’s Eve with him, since I could get to his place by 12am (I’m working a late shift that day). I didn’t make plans in hope that he would come back and make plans.
It got as far as me not wanting to apply for a job, because it would mean moving even further away from him –  my thoughts being “what if we decides to come back and we start dating by then again?!”
But I have given up. Truly so. I will apply for that job as soon as I can (March 2018). I will move to that city, away from everyone. I will do what feels right for me right now – without anyone in mind but me. And even though I always said I could never live alone, I have now realised that I cannot depend on ever finding someone and – I actually can live by myself – it’s just a mindset I needed to change. I need to live my life – my way. And that’s what I’m doing now. I plan it without anyone in it, because you’ll never know if what you wish for will happen. I always wanted family by now, but that didn’t happen either. I can’t force myself to think I will ever get it. I need to plan my life – Plan B.

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back from Dubai!

I’m back from holidays. Have been for a while, but since I caught the flu on Tuesday and have been in bed ever since, I wasn’t in the mood to write. Still am not, but gotta update this page on a few things.

I had such a good time in Dubai! I mostly forgot about P and really was happy for the first time in a while without any worries. I needn’t worry whether he had texted or how he meant what he wrote, because I simply couldn’t see if he texted me at all. That took the edge completely off. I needn’t worry about anything.

I did not end up texting him before my flight took off when I left on the 22nd (because I accidentally bumped into Ken at the airport, which is a whole other story in itself *lol*), so we had been on non-contact since 3 days, because he simply didn’t text me anymore. Nothing new here. When I returned last week, I got a few messages of him he sent me on the 23rd (although he knew I’d left the day before). He wished me a nice holiday and “don’t go too wild ^^ like, without me…
I found this funny, just the way he worded that. So when I returned a week later I told him I was back and that I’ve had a nice week. We texted a bit (him mainly telling me that it’s normal to get proposed to down there – which is true). I sent him a picture to which he didn’t say much, so I let him be and went abroad once more (although I had internet there).

Then was my birthday on Tuesday. I didn’t hear from him for 3 days (until I texted him again). I did not expect him to remember my birthday, since I only told him once. It would have been cute, but I wasn’t mad at him for that. Once again the conversation didn’t flow too long.
I texted him AGAIN the day after. We texted a little and I wanted test our ground. I wasn’t able to tell how he was feeling towards us, so I said “so could you stop thinking of me, since I can’t stop sneezing for 3 days…?!” (being playful and all) to which he replied “maybe it’s a guy from your holidays, not me 😅” – now that I read it again, he might not have meant it the way I took it, but I’m not sure.
That definitely wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but was pretty straight forward telling me he was not thinking about me, I guess. I just said “well that has been pretty clear, good night then”. I was pissed. Really pissed. He just asked whether I was tired already and sent that emoji: 🙈. I replied “no”. For me it sounded like he hadn’t been thinking about me, but now a few days later, maybe he suggested it could be someone else apart from him?! I don’t know.
Did not get anything back and knew I would not get anything at all. So I went to sleep.

The next day I texted him again (will I ever learn?). We had a brief conversation. He kept it up. Sent me videos of his fireworks he was doing. We talked about my phobia. He told me I should come along once he does one, so I can face my fears – I didn’t react to it, since I knew he wasn’t serious about it. This time I was the one not to reply to his emojis, there was no need to.
I asked myself whether he was talking like that to all the girls. I really can’t tell and therefore have no idea where I stand.

So, what do I make of this? I don’t know. I have mostly given up on the hope of us working out. I’m glad I could gain some distance whilst being abroad. I have not gotten any sort of affection from him whatsoever since I’ve been back. I was devastated on Thursday, but then I realised that it was okay. I knew beforehand that this would happen. The more distance we put between us, the worse it’ll get. And it’s okay. I will have him as a friend for now and if he ever decides he wants to see me again or take a step forward, then I am very happy to be here. But I can’t just wait on him, and do all the work of keeping the contact. It is a loss of course, I remember how perfect everything felt to me… but if he doesn’t share this opinion, there’s no need to pursue a relationship on my behalf. Maybe the timing was wrong, maybe we simply weren’t meant to be. Or maybe he just needs some more time.
I’ll “move on”. Keep him in my life as a friend for now and see where things are leading.

 

On a whole other level: my exboyfriend turned up again. Nope, not Alan. One that has been long before I started that blog (I had my first real kiss with him when I was 14, so you see). He always remembers my birthday ever since we’ve known each other, which is cute. It’s usually around these times we talk, but then the contact decreases again. For some reason he invited himself over to my place and he’ll be around in 3 weeks. It’s weird, but I’m somewhat excited to see him again (it’s been 6 years since I last seen him).
Also Kenny is back. On my behalf. I had been thinking of him lately and I figured I could just text him (mainly about the sneezing part, because he was the one starting that game). Who knows what all of this will bring – I am not interested in dating, don’t get me wrong. It would feel so bad for me, since my heart still lays with P although I don’t want to. But there’s no harm in getting attention somewhere else, right?

Plus my encounter with Ken. I was waiting with a friend to check in, when someone called my last name. I got really anxious, because I thought I had done something wrong until I looked at the person that called and recognised Ken. He found it very funny that I was so shocked and we had a short banter. It was nice to see him and took off some of the anxiety I had been experiencing (always do on airports).

final goodbye to Alan.

Just for myself: I need some closure about Alan on this blog. He has been long out of my life – it actually feels like a lifetime, when it really hasn’t. I deleted him off any social media by now. But I need to type some things out, to get it out of my system – out of my mind. I don’t intend to talk about him on here anymore, as I really want to cut him out of my life – out of my mind as well. If he ever decides to answer any of my unread letters, I will let you know. But I don’t believe in ever getting an answer anymore, so there’s that.

Just to show myself how long it’s actually been (sometimes it feels a lot longer, sometimes a lot shorter):

  • It’s been 2.5 months since I’ve last seen him, when he was over at my house and we got into that huge fight (May 13th)
  • The last time I heard from him “on his turn” (aka him answering my message 2 days late) has been 1.5 months ago, when he said he hasn’t read my letter yet and didn’t take it with him on his holidays and I said a day later that I will delete his number, so I had no option to text him, which he obviously saw as an invitation to break off any contact (June 14th)
  • It also has already been a month since I put my last letter in his mailbox the day he returned from his holidays… to which I never got an answer. Thank you for wasting probably 8 hours of my life on that one. (24th June)
  • And the very last message I ever got from him, which was a short “thank you” to my ‘stay safe’ message has been 3 weeks ago (30th June)

I can’t even officially say that we broke up, because we never did. But I guess it’s quite obvious that we are no longer together. It’s just… I wish he could have just explained himself at some point instead of just vanishing without a word.

Today a song came on the radio that was/is Alan’s favourite song. I actually really didn’t like that band, but with listening to it so much whilst being with Alan it got stuck in my mind. Whenever something like that happens, I keep wondering how he could have done something like that? It’s not even about me anymore, or about the hurt he’s caused me. But I just don’t understand how someone could do that to anyone?! Of course sometimes I wonder how he’s doing. If he’s suffered at least a little from this breakup. If he still thinks of me at all. What he told his father about our ‘breakup’… or if I’m just like any other exgirlfriend he’s had and he deleted me out of my mind right away.

Funnily enough, when I was deleting pictures of him off my phone, I found some old screenshots. Two weeks prior to our fight he told me how I was the one and only for him and how much he appreciated my personality. Just to be thrown away like garbage 2 weeks later. I still don’t understand his lack of fighting for this relationship. But then he never learned, so yeah.

At the end of the day, all of this doesn’t matter. I know I’m way much better off without him. I do not deserve to be treated like this and it would have never worked out in any possible way. His lack of empathy would have caused me a lot of pain on our further journey, so I’m glad I can fight this battle again by myself. I know who to rely on. It’s funny since everyone asked about our breakup I told them about me pre-cancer cells. Every single one of them has not asked about the breakup afterwards, but about my health. So it still doesn’t get into my head how my boyfriend couldn’t do that. Oh well, maybe there are people out there that need no empathy.

Anyway. As I said in my last post, I am content with being alone right now and that’s all that matters. I will try and cut him out completely. It worked with Stan, it will work with that one as well. So much for “my one” – on to the next one!

Moving on? It’s hard.

I just woke up from a dream about Alan. 

I was watching a snapchat story of him making fun of a spelling mistake he’d made, writing on a f*cking napkin. When I rewatched it to catch the actual spelling mistake (which was ‘falll’) I also glimpsed the word ‘goodbye’. That caught my eye. Then I watched it over and over again to realise it was a letter to me. The reply. I screenshoted it, so I could actually read it in peace.

The only phrase I actually remember is “I have to say goodbye to you” and something along the lines of “I love you but I can’t endure this.”
I. Need. To. Move. On.
My dreams keep telling me not to have any hope. He has not answered my message from 2 days ago so far (neutral one). He’s been liking random girls on instagram (did I mention? Social media is toxic). And for those reasons I probably won’t send the letter to him, I have been writing on since Sunday.

I did however text him right now (it is 4am) that I need some kind of (short) answer to my letter, because I cannot live on like this. That I am having problems at school because of this and want the daydreaming and nightmares to stop. We’ll see. 

Do I expect an answer any time soon? No. 

Do I expect a positive answer? No. 

Do I think this will end up in a breakup for good? Yes.

But I need a reality check to move on, no matter how much this hurts. I did however apologise for bothering him on his holidays. I did think that I might be able to hold it off until after his holidays. But I really can’t. My body is telling me to stop. I’m constantly nauseous and am having stomach ache. I really need to move on from this. So why can’t I?

PS: it is now 2 hours later. He has been online the entire time on facebook. He didn’t feel the need to answer my message. I don’t think I have ever met anyone that has been such an asshole my entire life. Not even Stan has treated me that poorly. Which is saying something! I can’t. I just don’t understand that this should have been love. I would never in my life treat anyone I once loved like this. That is just… no respect at all. And (I wish) I am so done.