I’m finally at the stage of being able to cry. I was afraid of letting the feelings in, of it hurting too much to bear. But friends have started asking questions about Kenny. And I started thinking about our situation (not that I didn’t before, but truly think about it). And I have just now sent him a message to please tell me that it had been just fun for him, so I can let go and stop thinking about it. That I just needed to hear.
I’m scared to look at my phone now. I’m crying my eyes out since I sent it. Because I know the rejection will come. And even though I am 90% sure it wasn’t just fun for him and he does love me in a way, I’m also 90% sure he also won’t ever be able to give me what I need. And I know he’s in some way devastated as well, because he’s hurting me. Again. And he doesn’t want that. Not in the way people think at least. It’s hard to describe, but I just know that. He’s a good person, despite what he’s done to his girlfriend.
My feelings have been so ambivalent the last few days. My brain and heart are fighting and even each one doesn’t know what it wants. I don’t want to date a cheater, but our long history is making it hard to forget about him. Our past is always getting back and I do not want to lose him ever in my life. He has been the one constant in my life, that I am not ready to give up. We may lose contact every few months and not talk for a year. But he’s here. He always is. It’s good to know there’s someone out there loving me, even if it’s not enough for what we both may want deep inside ourselves.
I’m still not regretting what I’ve done. Despite what most people may think. I don’t regret sleeping with him, because it was right at that moment. It was selfish, yes, but it felt right. For me at least. I cannot talk for him, we have not talked about it and he said we were good when I asked this morning because he’s been so distant lately. But I’m not. I’m really not. And I know I’ve gotten myself into this. It’s my own fault.
The last few days I have read back on all the posts I wrote about him and I. How the situation was when we kissed 2 years ago and it’s so similar. And yet I am here once again, sitting in my bed, crying about something I knew would happen all along. Will I ever learn? I guess not. I told a friend yesterday, I’d go over in a heartbeat, although I know I end up hurt. Although I know I want more from him than he can give. I have been lying to myself way too long. Saying I was okay with just fwb. I’m not.
I’m not okay. But it’ll pass. We’ve gone through that several times before. We will another time. And maybe in a year, we’re at the same page again. I do not know. I may be stupid, but I have my heart on my sleeve and always will. And I know Kenny is very good at making me dependent on him. He knows which points to trigger, to get me. I know that. I know a lot of things that happened, and still I never protect my heart. And I guess I will never learn in this life time. Not with him. I may protect myself from all the other guys, so I’m not sure why I don’t with him.
Happy Valentine’s. I only just realise before I texted him. This day will forever be on my black list. Today a year ago I got together with Alan. I let myself fall for someone and gave him my everything and got nothing in return. Today I will get my heart broken again, so why not? Why not do it on such a day. Maybe Kenny is even with his girlfriend, what do I know? I’m just so done with the world right now. So done.
I was watching “13 reasons why” till 5am this morning. I planned on going for a run today. I’m having an appointment in an hour and will turn up red eyed. And she’ll know. She always does. But I can’t. I want to turn it all off. I don’t want to feel so much. I can’t. Why am I always getting myself into these situations? I really don’t know.
And yes, I know better times are ahead. Some day I will meet someone who is worth it. Who will give me back what I need. Who will be honest. Who wants me. Whatever. It is not now, and for now I’m going to be sad. Even though I did this to myself. But I have every right to feel that way and… I don’t even know. I’m going now.
I’m sorry. I’m truly sorry for everything I said and did.
And I did just get a reply: “M, I like you very much, honestly! And you’re awesome. But there’s never going to be more to it than what we have now…” How in the world.. why did I do this?