I’m back from holidays and I would like to say that things have been great. But no.
I was feeling so good whilst being abroad, since we had set a date for right after I would return from the holidays. It gave me some kind of security that things wouldn’t go like they did in October when I left and the radio silence began.
Well. I felt secure too quickly. I texted him right when I landed on Saturday night, asking when the date was gonna take place, since we didn’t set a final day. I needed to know since I had to buy groceries, but also so I could make other plans the other day.
Well… same old: he didn’t reply. At first I thought he was just being busy, but then when I got his likes on facebook Sunday morning but still no reply to my text… I knew he was ignoring my message. I didn’t understand why, since there was no pressure. I simply asked what day he was free.
Late Sunday afternoon (so almost a day later) he texted me saying that his family would go over on Monday so he wasn’t free as planned and asked what other day we could meet up. This confused me, since I thought we’d always had set it for Tuesday, but he had to check whether Monday would work as well. I got really mad about all of this behaviour (him not texting me, not going through with his plans since he told me he’d let me know as soon as possible about whether Monday would work) and did let him know by text, that I was pissed off about his late answer and that it makes me feel like I’m not important to him. I then told him to let me know when he was free and we’ll then set a new date.
I got a reply making a silly comment (“mimimi”) and asking whether I was off on Tuesday. I told him yes, but that I had a nightshift I had to attend to by 10pm. He then said “well I’m free till the afternoon”. This once more upset me, because 3 weeks prior (!!!) we had set that date and now he’s made other plans?! He knew I could not meet him any other day of his holidays, so that just showed me once more that he didn’t really care too much to see me. I then told him that we could cancel, if it was inconvenient.
Guess what? Yeah, once more no reply. Which left me with a lot of time to think about all this and I just now sent him a lengthy message and calling the date off.
I’m just done being a spare thing to attend to when it’s convenient for him. I told him that his behaviour seems disrespectful to me and no matter how much I like him and how much I did want to see him tomorrow, that I wasn’t going to let myself be treated like that. I told him that I had held both days free for him, just to being told that he already has other plans although we had talked about it a long while ago. And that makes me feel like this doesn’t mean anything to him. Or that he probably has forgotten about it, which also adds “no importance” to it. Or that I’m overreacting again and am complicated, but that all of this is making me feel like a spare. And since I am flexible and just waiting to see him, you can do that with me. I told him that I always enjoy spending time with him and he’s giving me a good vibe whenever we do meet, but that I can’t ignore everything else until we meet. Like, I do want to feel good and important even when we don’t have a date set. Like him making some time for me without having to squeeze me into his time table every time.
I honestly don’t expect an answer. Or not one that is helpful at all. He probably is super annoyed at me playing up again. It’s the same thing that happened back in September when all of a sudden he wasn’t trying anymore. And I’m not going to play that game again. It’s like with Alan. He didn’t set me a priority and when I asked for it, things gone to shit. I’m not about to go back to that bullshit again. If he’s not willing to give me some priority, we’re done. No matter how good he makes me feel when we do see each other. There so much more to it than just that and he knows that. Plus I told him so now.
I would like to say that I’m not scared of losing him. I’m actually pretty sure this is it – the final breaking point. But I also know that it wouldn’t have worked out like that anyway, so I’m trying to stay positive. I know I’m talking a lot about fate when it comes to P, because it feels that way. Finding back to each other… but maybe it’s just not meant to be either. I just wish he would give me more credits for what I’ve done.
I also just remembered that I sent him a postcard from my holidays, which haven’t yet arrived. So that’s gonna be awkward (told him I was looking forward to seeing him). Oh well, can’t change that now, can I?