This is gonna be a short post, since I am super tired. Well, whenever I say this they end up super long, so I am going to apologise beforehand if I am not holding this to be true.
Wow. How did I not post anything the last 4 days, since I was going crazy all the time?!
I did feel a lot better after I had received his text message about the funeral. I only realised later on that one big fear of mine was him being distant because of me. Of course my rational brain knew it was about the death of his father, but y’all know. So knowing he was declining the offer because of the whole situation was helping me. And I also realised that it would have been bad for me as well: getting to know his family on a funeral. Worst possible moment ever, right?
Well the very next day we went back to how things were before. Texting very sporadically. I left him be for the time being, tbut replying whenever he was in a somewhat talkative mood. We did text quite a lot on Sunday night and he was back to almost normal. He also said that it means a lot to him that I am worrying about him. On Monday he was back to distant, which was expected since the funeral took place that day. I wanted to leave him be, and just asked him in the evening how he was dealing. We texted a bit.
All the while from Tuesday on I was wondering when he would get the package. I knew there was a high chance he would only get it on Friday or Saturday because of the post office hours. And I didn’t want to see him before he had received it, simply because it would feel awkward to me. So we texted on and off, just like we used to.
My friends however started to get annoyed by my constant blabbering about how much I missed him and wanted to see them. By some point they told me to just ask, but it felt wrong to me. I wanted him to manage the timing. Maybe he needed some time off, maybe he wanted to be with his family. I didn’t want to be another problem to him.
Tonight he texted me: “You shouldn’t have sent me anything… now I feel even more guilty. Thank you so much!”
So I knew he had gotten the package. I told him that it was a pleasure to do so and he shouldn’t feel any remorse. Him “I don’t know. I don’t deserve this!” I really didn’t know where this self-conciousness came from so I said that of course he deserves this. Then he told me not to spend money on him when I earn that little. I told him that I prioritise the little money I have and am very happy to spend it on him and that I hope he was happy about the gifts.
Him: “Yes, very much so. The plush toy will sleep in my bed with me forever from now on!”
This was very cute. I wasn’t sure he would be happy about it, although.. yes I knew, but I still was scared of his reaction. I then said that I did want to cuddle him again at some point, to which he said “we said in a year, right?!” (we had a conversation today when he said we could only have sex once a year, so I asked if he would text me again in 50 weeks).
So there’s that. I’m not gonna “ask” again… I will leave him the time, even though it is very hard for me to wait, since I get sooo self-concious when I don’t see him for any length of time and it has been 10 days already. Not sure if I can do another 1-2 weeks. I’m just glad I have a lot to do for school, so I can get my mind off things for a few hours a day at least.
Yes I am a little bit more calmed again, but still.. since he is so nice and he seems like such a perfect person, I just really want him in my life.. and that makes it that much harder for me to be patient. I always rush things and I am trying to hold back so much! So. I can do it! We’ll see how this continues…