date

kiss a work colleague?

I am ridiculously tired, since I got out of the night shift this morning and have slept a grand total of 2 hours today, but I need to type the events of today up, because I wanna remember them as detailed as possible.

I mentioned in my last post that the possibility of dating my work colleague Scott had arisen. Things got pretty heated up after our last shift together a week ago. We started sharing more private matters and I noticed the looks he gave me at work. He searched for my eye whenever I entered the room. And just overall I got more attention than I did before. But I still wasn’t sure what was going on. He started saying things like that he enjoys my company at work and bumping into me a lot more than he used to, searching for physical attention. He also just let me know by texts that he is interested.

When we had our report at work, we always tried to get the same patient, because it would give us an extra 15minutes 1-on-1 or so together. The first time I then sat really close to him, touching his arm. At first he took it away until he realised I was doing it on purpose and left it there. He later told me by text, that he had really enjoyed it. Then last night and this morning it was on his term that he got really close and touching. At one point he put up his hand and I realised he had wanted to hold my hand until he realised we were at work and therefore not allowed to do so (our work colleagues don’t know anything yet). We shared a lot of longer looks than before and one of our colleagues (and also a good friend of his) noticed and started making comments. We just ignored them, because we had been putting up with things like this before we even had one thought about getting to know each other.

Things were hard for me at first because for me it always seemed there was a work-colleague Scott and the one I was texting with. I was not able to mend them together until we got physically close (even though it was just touching our arms).
All good.

Today I mentioned that the weekend was gonna be hard, since we’re both busy and can’t see each other till Tuesday when we see each other daily this week (even though just for a few minutes). That’s when we originally had set a date after our group meeting. He asked to see me privately several times in the last week, and I offered Tuesday.

So when I said it was gonna be hard this weekend, he mentioned that we could probably see each other tonight before he had to go pick up his parents if I wanted to. I said that would be awesome, but knew in that exact moment it was not a good idea, because it would make the weekend even worse.
Long story short, we settled on him coming over to my place at 7.30pm. He picked me up and we drove to the lake side. At first we just sat in the car talking, because it was raining. When we didn’t know what to do, I said I actually still would like to go on a walk and so we did. Nothing had happened thus fur, we talked, we punched each other a few times… just the simple things we had been doing for a while now. When we got back to his car we stood in front of it… it was probably around 8.30pm by then and we knew he had to leave an hour later. We talked and just stood close, but no touching whatsoever. At some point I just hugged him, because… well I wanted to. I knew he wanted it, too. I’m not sure whether it’s shyness or simply uncertainty that he’s not making the first step, but from then on we talked, holding hands or hugging. We got closer and closer, him putting his lips to my forehead, me stroking his head (until we both almost fell asleep, since we have been sleep deprived for a while now due to our different day-night-schedule). There were several situations we could have kissed, but I wanted him to take that step. At one point he looked at me for a good 10-15 seconds and I then had to look away. I know it could have happened then, but it’s just so hard with him. He confuses the hell outta me.
Well, then he all of a sudden hugged me with his arms under mine (which is weird, since I’m quite a bit smaller than him) and I had my arms around his neck. And then I figured, what the heck and kissed him. I knew he wanted it and I just kissed him, and we didn’t stop for the longest time. No tongue however, which is new for me. He has the softest lips ever, so it was a really lovely kiss and my stomach kept fluttering on and on.

So yes. I don’t know if that makes us official or if we just keep on doing this. We have talked about how it’s hard to date in his home town, because all our work colleagues live there and I live 30 minutes away. But he just said he doesn’t really care, which I do believe. But we still want our privacy and we know they’ll make comments ALL the time once they find out. Although the ones being a bit brighter than others have picked up on the little things we’re doing (such as me giving my car to him last night).

Well,… by 9.45pm he said that he really needed to go (should have left at 9.30 anyway) and apologised, which was so cute. I knew all along that he had to leave, so I was fine by it. And he asked to see me on Monday night after my late shift, so we’ll see. Latest will be Tuesday and then, maybe, if he wants me to, I’ll sleep over 🙂 but we’ll see.

I’m very happy about this. And just now as I was typing this up I realised I never even thought about P. This is the first time since I started dating him last August, so that’s nice. And Scott does make my stomach flutter and I was SO nervous before we met. I’m just so happy, he is such a nice person. He also let me know how sad he is that I am leaving, when he’s the one leaving earlier. Logic. But I’ll move away so I guess that’s one reason plus I’m leaving for 2 months, which might be another issue. Haven’t booked it yet, so we’ll see. For now I’m just gonna enjoy what we have, whether we’re official or not. I don’t care. I just feel good and safe with him, and that’s all I need.

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dating a work colleague?!

Hmm.. it’s funny I haven’t mentioned Scott on here yet. So I’ll have to update you quite a bit on here.

Remember when I was on holidays in March? It was a good getaway and I did use my phone, although I usually don’t. What happened on holidays… I wrote it off at first:
A colleague of mine – Scott – had texted me because of my status update about my holidays on facebook. He sent me a simple “nice holidays 🙂“.
We always got along at work, so I figured it was just a nice gesture. I answered and we have always been teasing before, so I said “thanks, you miss me already at work, huh?” because he always said he can’t wait until I’m gone again (we always knew I wouldn’t work too long in that team). Well, we started texting every single day during my 11-day stay abroad. I was actually looking forward to his messages and used my phone way more than usual whilst I was away. My mother already got that look on her face about us dating, but still.. I wrote it off to pure “being nice”. We got to know each other a bit better and he updated me on the work situation. Nothing too personal though, like not on a deep level.

I guess one reason that I did not see any signs of flirting, was because we have had a talk about what we like in the other gender right before I left. And he was really put off by me drinking beer (if I do drink alcohol) and just my “boyish” personality over all. Like we got along perfectly as friends and he really liked me being bold and able to talk back, but I never saw myself out of the friendzone. And neither was he for me.
We had also been a subject at work, because at that time we were the only ones single and my boss was like “you know, Scott is single, too?!”,  but I just never was interested. I wasn’t able to see myself dating him. I liked him as a friend, but that was it. And the same went for him, I guess.

Once I returned home I figured the texting would decrease again since it would be awkward at work. Like those 2 weeks we were just in another state of mind, and I thought things would get back to normal when I was back to work.
Well,… it didn’t. We did see each other, although we didn’t worked the same shift for the longest time. I think I actually only saw him one day before he left for holidays himself and he was really pissed that day. I knew it wasn’t about me, but it was awkward after all that texting and he left really quickly.
But,.. we kept on texting pretty much every day. Maybe once or twice we didn’t text for a day, but usually we are talking daily, even when we just saw each other at work.

We’ve worked 2 shifts together so far and we had a blast. One was last Monday and the other was last night.
Things have shifted between us for sure. We talk a lot more. Although we haven’t had too much time together at work, because it’s usually just the report from one shift to the other and then one or the other leaves. Last night however was different. We had a late shift together with 2 other people. One of which left at 8pm (our shift ends at 10pm), so we watched a movie, because there wasn’t too much to do. At around 8.30pm he told the other one to leave as well and I got really nervous about us being alone. Once the other person did leave as well, my heart started racing, because I just didn’t know what would happen. I mean I don’t know if he’s actually interested in me – like romantically. Because of said conversation we had before my holidays. But he does look at me quite often and is much more touchy than he was before we started texting. We’re teasing each other on a level that probably is not normal anymore. He’s hiding my things, we’re throwing things at each other just to grab it back… and just overall get physically close. And all of this happens in front of everyone to see, and he’s okay with it, and so am I. And I have gotten weird looks from other colleagues, when they realised we’re actually talking in private as well.

Nothing happened when we were alone however. I did not expect it to either. The chance of getting caught was way too high, plus if one or the other would reject, it will become awkward at work. And I think that’s our main problem now. The interest seems to be there, but I – just speaking for myself – am too scared of rejection and then things getting weird at work. I mean I drive him home after work, because he’s on my way home (he’s calling me his taxi service), it’s not like there’s no option to kiss without being seen by work colleagues. But there’s something holding us – or rather me – back. We even texted till 1am after our 9 hour shift together yesterday.

Oh I don’t know. I really like the attention and it’s so different because we’ve known each other over a year. We both have seen each other when we have been in a bad mood and so on. He really knows me. Like the annoying, bubbly, loud me. He even saw me cry this week, when a patient of mine passed away and I wanted him to hug me so badly. But he didn’t. He’s awesome though. He is the perfect balance between being playful and funny, but also empathetic. I did have that really rough weekend when we had to resuscitate someone and I bumped into Jeremy on that car accident, and Scott listened to me rambling, when P wasn’t there for me. He just gets me, since he’s a nurse as well and everything just makes it so much easier.

There’s just a lot going on to process, but in the end I’m just glad to have him. Because work makes that much more fun (not that I didn’t love it already!), and the attention is good for my self-esteem right now. PLUS what I have said to my friend and which is weird to me. For the first time since I’ve met P, I am not comparing someone to P. I have not thought about J and P as much anymore this week and am concentrating on Scott instead. Which is very good for my mental health.

Sadly we’re not sharing any shifts again for 3 weeks, but will bump into each other on our reports next week. So, that’s cool. I’ll keep you updated 🙂

emotions mixed up

My feelings are all over the place and I do not like this.

I haven’t even updated you, but I did end up seeing J on Monday after work. I was quite nervous before we met up, but was very glad he didn’t want to meet me at the hospital. We talked for ages… it was nice, like a catch up with an old friend. We also talked a lot about the car accident which has helped both of us I think. At around 10pm I went home, so we spent a good 6 hours together, just talking. Nothing happened, not even a try. Well, he said hi with a kiss on my cheek, and the longer the evening, the more we got closer. Touching whilst laughing and stuff like that. But he did not try to hold my hand or kiss me whatsoever.
We met up again yesterday, since I was off work and he’s still on sick leave until next week. Once more we talked for 3 hours before he went home. Nothing happened.
And we met up again today spontaneously. Well I had asked him to meet up and watch the ice hockey game together, but he is busy. But then he let me know he was free for a couple of hours after I finish work, so we met up and talked again for 3 hours. Nothing happened. Well he did touch my feet and did go in for a hug after he kissed my cheek, but then didn’t.

Here’s the thing. It’s not like I don’t take first steps, although I usually don’t. But I’m not sure if I even want to kiss him. When I was driving home today, I thought about P. I realised that I still miss him and want to see him. I long for his touch, not J’s. And this upsets me. P hasn’t texted me in over a week, never cancelled our date, which should have taken place yesterday. It just sucks. I wish I could put the attention J gives me into P and it would be perfect. I told my friends and they all said I should give J a chance, he seems very nice and forthcoming. And he is. He is such a nice person, and he treats me very well and I know he has a crush on me. He’s making compliments all the time… but I’m just not sure whether I can evolve emotions. And today for the first time I realised, that maybe I just WANT to fall in love, so to forget about P. You know? And I can’t force myself into feeling something. But I will just continue seeing J and maybe something will come of it… maybe it won’t.

update on the dating situation with P

Oh wow, I really have lacked on updating this blog. I actually wanted to make this about something else, but I need to keep you up to date for all of it to make sense.

So, like I mentioned in that last post, I had called off that date with P after my holidays. He never replied to my long message of me explaining why I was calling it off. I just stated that his behaviour was hurting me and what I expected of him.
2 days later I texted him again (nothing from him), telling him that I miss him and that I would like to explain my behaviour some day if he still wanted to see me. To this he simply sent me a picture of where he was at that time (work related). With no word have we ever talked about what has happened ever since. At some point I didn’t even need it anymore though.
I then asked that week of my return whether we could see each other and he said that he was busy till the end of his holidays (which was the weekend 2 weeks ago).

Then I remembered that I was invited to a dinner with some sort of famous chef and had to tell them a name of someone that will join me. I asked P whether he would like to do so (it’s in August) and he asked me a billion times why I would want to take him. I explained why and he agreed (after saying “are you sure? Who knows if you’ll still know me by then?”).  When he finally said yes, I then jokingly said we will talk again in August then, to which he said “we’ll see each other before then I guess…?!”

But… radio silence followed. 2 weeks ago he received my card. He said thanks and that he didn’t expect it at all. I asked him why and he said “I don’t know,.. because you hate me?”. Which just indicated that he indeed was insecure as well. I’ve told him like 3 times since then that I would like to see him.. like little hints here and there, but he never actually asked.
A week ago I then stated that we will see each other in the next 2 weeks, or I’ll go and get my hair cut (he doesn’t want me to cut my hair, so there’s that). He just asked whether I was drunk (it was Friday night), which is a silly question because he knows I don’t drink whatsoever and I was actually just getting in my car to drive home from work. He then sent me his location, which was pretty close to my work place… but I’m not the kind of person to just go over without being invited, so I went home instead. He didn’t ask me.

I had a pretty rough weekend at work last week and really needed some time off. So last Monday I asked him AGAIN whether he was free this or next weekend to reschedule our plan we’ve had after my holidays. He explained that he indeed was busy both weekend, but he would like to do so another time. He then asked me how I was and whether I was always working. I told him that I was working almost every weekend in May and therefore it would be pretty difficult to find a time (he works a Monday to Friday job). Didn’t get a reply to that and when I reread his message in the evening, I realised that maybe his indication about “always working” was whether I was free during the week as well. So I told him that I had read it into his message and that I indeed was free during the week. To which he then offered Monday or Thursday (this coming week).

This was the last plan on Wednesday. He told me Thursday would work better and we talked about our plans that week. We didn’t settle on either one. So I texted him Thursday evening whether we could set the date. Have not yet received a message ever since (it’s been 3 days by now).

I’m really over this… Just typing this post out made me realise how pathetic I am. Always asking and running after him, when he’s not even putting some effort into this. And I will not ask again. If he tells me till Monday, that’s fine. I’ll meet up with him. If not, it’s his loss. I’m not going to turn my life around just to make time for him when it’s convenient.

Oh well. My life turned upside down last weekend anyway. But this will be in my next post, and will change everything I’ve just written.

update about P

As I’ve mentioned in my last post, my feelings have been all over the place that day. Now that I look back on it, it is kind of funny… but I need to not forget about how I felt that very day anyway.

Well, P had texted me shortly after I published that last post. He let me know that he had tried to stay awake till I was home to text me, but fell asleep. Which I do believe. He was so tired and it was just cute to let me know he had thought that far. It does show some kind of affection, right?!
We ended up having a short conversation – with him not replying after a while. Nothing new, right? I then told him, we could meet up again on August 25th, because that’d be in 6 months… keeping our cycle. He asked whether I was crazy and I just said “I like you as well”. Same old, his response: “I know”. I then didn’t reply, because I was busy and he texted me again in the evening about something I had told him on our date. This surprised me. Him texting me twice in a day, you know? I think we’ve talked more in the last 3 days, than in 4 months prior. So I see that he is trying. He has gotten that hint about me not liking the lack of contact via text ad he really is trying. He’s texted me every day since our date, so that’s a definite improvement, like 300%.

He made me feel quite good, so I figured I could ask him to meet up again before I leave on holidays. I just didn’t want this to be a month later again, and I did want to see him again either way.
Because here’s the thing: After everything I’ve told you guys about the lack of emotions, I actually could not get him out of my mind that whole weekend. I kept thinking of him, and the butterflies came back when I thought about the situations he’d kissed me. So I was back to how I felt before. Well, maybe not entirely, but the emotions are back partly, which is a good thing.

Long story short: I’ll see him again this coming Friday and then we’ll be off for 3 weeks I guess (he’s busy the weekend after and then I leave for 2 weeks). He’s gonna pick me up from work, so that should be interesting.

I’m very eager to find out where this is heading. I am not yet getting hopeful about the outcome, but I like the attention – not gonna lie.

crazy cat lady

Honestly… sometimes I really understand why my friends are telling me to make a movie out of my life. Sometimes I really ask myself, why I’m reacting the way I do. Or why I’m doing certain things. But oh well, the harm is done. Gotta live with it now.

I was frustrated last night. VERY frustrated. I wanted to test how long it takes P to text me first. Yesterday marked 4 days, and I wanted to send him something, so I did. I hate playing those games, so fuck it. After he didn’t keep up the conversation after a very short while, I just said “bye” at around 8pm. He asked why I said “bye” and I just said bye again. He asked where I was heading to. Here is where I took a wrong turn.

I’m going nowhere, but your interest in texting with me doesn’t seem to be existent anymore lately and even I have understood that by now… so that’s why I don’t want to force anything anymore that is one-sided, and therefore: bye” I am very aware how bitchy that was, and it’s so not me. I’m not like that. I tell people what the fuck is wrong, without sounding like a bitch.
He just answered with a simple “hmm…“, which obviously got me even madder. Here’s where I should have gone to bed and not reply to him no more. But I didn’t:
I don’t mean to harm you, and I’m not sure how you took it. You know what I think of you, but as I said there wasn’t much from you anymore. I don’t want to bother you and be that girl, that doesn’t get a hint and keeps bothering you, when you’re done already. I like texting with you, you should know. But there’s no need when it’s always started by me, right? I didn’t mean it as a ‘bye, get the fuck away, I don’t want to ever talk to you again’, but I will take a step back, because I finally got it. You are welcome to text, whenever you want.

I then went to bed. I’m glad I was able to actually sleep. But when I woke up to no text whatsoever (and he had been online till 3am, so it wasn’t like he was away or something), I was just sad. Disappointed. I hadn’t expected this. Not from him, at least.

I texted again (I see your eye-rolling – stop!):
Hmm okay, I didn’t expect to just get nothing… I just want to say one last thing then. I think you understand how frustrating it is, when you miss someone and that person rarely or never texts you first and that’s why I texted you last night. Nothing has changed about how I think of ‘us’ or how I feel about you (even if I had hope me being away helps). I just don’t want to fool myself and that’s why I’m giving you some room to breathe. Believe me, it’s not easy, but I promise I will leave you be even if that hurts me.. I’m sorry if I have wrong-footed you.
I know I should play that game of catch-fetch, but that’s not me. I want people to know how I feel or think. There’s so much hate and misunderstandings, because people are playing games and not communicating properly. I’m done with this. I’d rather let him know how I feel, than us both being frustrated.

I got an answer about an hour later:

There’s not coming nothing anymore… I have been thinking about it, but it’s still like that time I explained to you about my situation: I have enjoyed every moment with you and don’t regret anything.. and we can go out for dinner or just do something together.
But I don’t know, how hopeful you’re going to be that we’ll end up in intimate togetherness until we’re old afterwards 😛
What got me wrong-footed isn’t you, but the situation right now. I still am struggling with my father’s death and it has turned my life upside down… but I also don’t want to blame everything for this.
Don’t worry, I know very well how much you like me – and it is very nice. But I also don’t want to play with your feelings.

I didn’t answer all day. Firstly because I was at work, but also because I wanted to think about what to reply. I know I could’ve gone “I don’t have any hope” blablah, but we all know that would be a lie. And he knows that as well. So I figured I could be completely honest:

I’m sorry I always bother you with this. I didn’t mean “seeing you”, but that I felt like your interest decreased in the texting-habit. But I guess I didn’t articulate myself very well.
So I’m going to be very honest now: We will never have an intimate togetherness with our cats… 😉 no seriously though: of course I cannot claim to have no hope whatsoever – and I think you know that, but I am very well aware that it doesn’t work (right now) and it could go both ways. Nobody can promise anything.
And I never felt like you were playing with my feelings, because you have always been honest and explained your situation, so I will not blame you for that. In the end it would be my problem, because I know what I’m getting myself into. I don’t know how to explain. I actually just wanted to let you know, that you should text me from time to time 😛

It’s funny though. I knew this morning that things weren’t done. Although my brain wanted me to be sad for this loss, I knew I had not actually lost him. It is so weird to explain that relationship to anyone. Or how I feel about us. I wish he’d feel the same. Or I could give him some sort of security. But this conversation just showed me once more, how insecure he is. He doesn’t want to see me, because he fears of me getting hurt. When really, it’s my problem. He doesn’t give himself a chance, that’s what makes me sad actually…
In the end I know he’s telling me that I should have no hope right now that we end up as a couple. And honestly, my hope has decreased immensely. I’m not sure how we both will feel once we see each other again (since it’s been over 2 months). Of course there’s the hope that I will spark his interest again, but I also do not expect us to kiss when we see each other or whatever. I’m not that blindsided. I understand his situation and he needs time, and that is fine by me. I guess I’ll just keep going and see where things are going. And stop going crazy every few weeks *lol*

 

back from Dubai!

I’m back from holidays. Have been for a while, but since I caught the flu on Tuesday and have been in bed ever since, I wasn’t in the mood to write. Still am not, but gotta update this page on a few things.

I had such a good time in Dubai! I mostly forgot about P and really was happy for the first time in a while without any worries. I needn’t worry whether he had texted or how he meant what he wrote, because I simply couldn’t see if he texted me at all. That took the edge completely off. I needn’t worry about anything.

I did not end up texting him before my flight took off when I left on the 22nd (because I accidentally bumped into Ken at the airport, which is a whole other story in itself *lol*), so we had been on non-contact since 3 days, because he simply didn’t text me anymore. Nothing new here. When I returned last week, I got a few messages of him he sent me on the 23rd (although he knew I’d left the day before). He wished me a nice holiday and “don’t go too wild ^^ like, without me…
I found this funny, just the way he worded that. So when I returned a week later I told him I was back and that I’ve had a nice week. We texted a bit (him mainly telling me that it’s normal to get proposed to down there – which is true). I sent him a picture to which he didn’t say much, so I let him be and went abroad once more (although I had internet there).

Then was my birthday on Tuesday. I didn’t hear from him for 3 days (until I texted him again). I did not expect him to remember my birthday, since I only told him once. It would have been cute, but I wasn’t mad at him for that. Once again the conversation didn’t flow too long.
I texted him AGAIN the day after. We texted a little and I wanted test our ground. I wasn’t able to tell how he was feeling towards us, so I said “so could you stop thinking of me, since I can’t stop sneezing for 3 days…?!” (being playful and all) to which he replied “maybe it’s a guy from your holidays, not me 😅” – now that I read it again, he might not have meant it the way I took it, but I’m not sure.
That definitely wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but was pretty straight forward telling me he was not thinking about me, I guess. I just said “well that has been pretty clear, good night then”. I was pissed. Really pissed. He just asked whether I was tired already and sent that emoji: 🙈. I replied “no”. For me it sounded like he hadn’t been thinking about me, but now a few days later, maybe he suggested it could be someone else apart from him?! I don’t know.
Did not get anything back and knew I would not get anything at all. So I went to sleep.

The next day I texted him again (will I ever learn?). We had a brief conversation. He kept it up. Sent me videos of his fireworks he was doing. We talked about my phobia. He told me I should come along once he does one, so I can face my fears – I didn’t react to it, since I knew he wasn’t serious about it. This time I was the one not to reply to his emojis, there was no need to.
I asked myself whether he was talking like that to all the girls. I really can’t tell and therefore have no idea where I stand.

So, what do I make of this? I don’t know. I have mostly given up on the hope of us working out. I’m glad I could gain some distance whilst being abroad. I have not gotten any sort of affection from him whatsoever since I’ve been back. I was devastated on Thursday, but then I realised that it was okay. I knew beforehand that this would happen. The more distance we put between us, the worse it’ll get. And it’s okay. I will have him as a friend for now and if he ever decides he wants to see me again or take a step forward, then I am very happy to be here. But I can’t just wait on him, and do all the work of keeping the contact. It is a loss of course, I remember how perfect everything felt to me… but if he doesn’t share this opinion, there’s no need to pursue a relationship on my behalf. Maybe the timing was wrong, maybe we simply weren’t meant to be. Or maybe he just needs some more time.
I’ll “move on”. Keep him in my life as a friend for now and see where things are leading.

 

On a whole other level: my exboyfriend turned up again. Nope, not Alan. One that has been long before I started that blog (I had my first real kiss with him when I was 14, so you see). He always remembers my birthday ever since we’ve known each other, which is cute. It’s usually around these times we talk, but then the contact decreases again. For some reason he invited himself over to my place and he’ll be around in 3 weeks. It’s weird, but I’m somewhat excited to see him again (it’s been 6 years since I last seen him).
Also Kenny is back. On my behalf. I had been thinking of him lately and I figured I could just text him (mainly about the sneezing part, because he was the one starting that game). Who knows what all of this will bring – I am not interested in dating, don’t get me wrong. It would feel so bad for me, since my heart still lays with P although I don’t want to. But there’s no harm in getting attention somewhere else, right?

Plus my encounter with Ken. I was waiting with a friend to check in, when someone called my last name. I got really anxious, because I thought I had done something wrong until I looked at the person that called and recognised Ken. He found it very funny that I was so shocked and we had a short banter. It was nice to see him and took off some of the anxiety I had been experiencing (always do on airports).