date

meeting Gohan again

So. That “date” yesterday didn’t turn out how I expected it to. Well, I didn’t expect much, did I? I wanted to leave all options open, although I did think about how I wasn’t allowed to have sex for yet another week because of my surgery. So you can imagine how far my imagination had gone by the time I reread all the old posts about Gohan.

My mind got really messed by the time I met up with him. I was thinking about getting back in a relationship with him, or maybe just having a friendship with benefits. I wondered why things never worked out. I imagined how nice it would be, to have someone this close (in distance)… To sum things up: my mind was flying at around 130mph.

But then, when I saw him at the train station… after the first thing he said, I remembered why we didn’t work out. As mean as this may sound, but I just knew I could never ever be with him, just like I said on all these other posts about him.
We don’t share a lot of common interests and do see life from very different points of view. He talks a lot about himself. He has a lot of issues with his personality and tries to verify them with things that have nothing to do with it. And he’s just weird. There’s nothing wrong with being weird, but he’s so proud of being different… it’s just not what I like in a guy.

I went home at 1am after driving him home, so we spent a good 4 hours talking. Or rather him talking for like 3.5 of them. But with each minute I just felt more and more uncomfortable. At first things were okay, we talked and it was nice to meet someone I haven’t seen in so long. But by 11pm I got really tired and just wanted to be left alone. He didn’t realise. By 12.30am he said we should head home and he was mumbling something about going home and watching some Netflix. I wasn’t sure if he meant for me to join, but I knew I would not go to his house. It ended up being no question, so that was fine for me.

All summed up: it was nice to see him, but that’ll leave me satisfied for a looong time. We haven’t texted since either. He was very touchy and cuddley and kept telling me how “sexless” he was, to which I didn’t say anything. He asked me to give him my jacket or warm him up, which I found so weird that I didn’t reply. He asked why I didn’t reply and I was like “I’m not gonna give you my jacket!” Like, what?! I didn’t feel the need to cuddle him or whatever, although he tried several times. But I guess after a while he realised I would not give him what he wanted.
He also apologised for how he’s treated me after the breakup. He realised that he was very emotionally unavailable and was not reacting how he should have. But I have long gotten over it, so it was no big deal. Sure it was nice to see that he realised he behaved wrong… but you know, it’s been 5 years.

As I said, it was okay. But nothing like I expected. Not exactly in a bad way, but not in a good way either. It did make me want to date again though. But oh well…

holidays did me well!

I’m back, who guessed? Have been for a few days actually, but it didn’t pop up in my mind to update you guys. I am sorry about that. So here comes a quick one:

I didn’t have internet for the 10 days I was abroad. Well, I could have, but decided against it – as I remembered how good it did me when Alan broke up with me (or whatever you would call this). I turned it on after 4 days as I had to read back some stuff and therefore got all the messages in as well. Of course I couldn’t NOT read them.
I received a text from Doc, which actually kept me happy all throughout my holidays – and still does:

You didn’t scare me off 🙂 don’t worry. I do very much like to text with you and if an opportunity turns up, we can go for a drink some time.

I actually can’t quite translate his wording, as there’s no translation for a particular word. It’s more like “we can go for a drink once”, but that doesn’t sound quite right either. And I don’t know how to interpret it. So I simply didn’t.
I was happy, because he said just like that, that he likes to text with me very much. Which shows me that he really does enjoy it. And that my feelings have been wrong. I watched a video today, that told us that we always see our own insecurities in others. I need to stop interpreting things how I would word them. I have asked him way too many times about this, and he kept saying that he enjoys talking to me. I need to turn my interpretations off for this one.

Whilst being away for 10 days I had time to let go. I figured that if we meet in 6 months or maybe a year, that’s fine, too. I don’t always have to rush things. Maybe we’ll stay friends. Maybe the texting will subside somewhen and we won’t even talk anymore – even less date. That’s all very fine. I do like this guy, I’m not gonna lie. And he seems like a genuine good guy. But what is so wrong about having patience and really getting to know someone? I don’t always have to date them right away. Maybe he’s interested in me, maybe he’s not. What if we just get to know each other, without that thought in the back of our minds?
It’s something that I have struggled with all my life, and which usually was the reason why my relationships lasted only a few months, because once I got to know them, I realised I didn’t like what I got as much as I thought. With Momo I got to know him for 2 months before we actually started dating with our mind set to more than friendship with benefits. And it turned out to be the best relationship I’ve ever had.
Also I’m quite content with being alone, without bothering to care for someone else besides me. I have a lot going on with an upcoming surgery on my cervix, my last year of university and just personal things. So maybe I just need to focus on myself for the time being and see where the future leads me. Why does it always have to be about boys? Right, it doesn’t! And that’s what I’ve learned over the past 10 days away.

goodbye to Doc?!

The ups and downs of my feelings for Doc are horrible. Well there are no true feelings for him, I’ve only met him 1.5 weeks ago. But he has slowly slipped out of my grip these last few days. He answered on Sunday evening, and then I didn’t hear from him until last night again – when beforehand he would text me 2-5 times a day. And even yesterday’s reply probably was due to me sending a picture (joke about doctors). He then replied pretty quickly, but no more questions about me. So you see, the interest has vanished completely – or so it feels like.
I’m just scared to be misinterpreting everything and losing him because of my stupid head. But I also don’t want to corner him, when he indeed is just too shy to tell me what is going on.

This has set me a few steps back again. When I reread my last post, it was so full of positivity and hope. This has vanished by now. I don’t think Doc and I are ever going to meet. And that’s okay. I just need to hear it from him. And that’s why I’m considering asking him straight forward.

“I’m already gonna tell you goodbye, as I’m taking off early tomorrow morning and most likely will have no internet for the time being.
By the way, I didn’t mean to scare you off by asking to meet up, because I feel like you haven’t been as talkative since I asked. Don’t get me wrong, you are cool and everything, but if you’re not interested it is totally fine for me and you can tell me straightforward. I’m pretty simple when it comes to these things 🙂
Or maybe I’m just misinterpreting things and it really is about your rare time/stress and my feeling is wrong once more. I do not know. I’m sorry for blabbering on, but I really needed to get it off my chest and I don’t want to accuse you of anything. I hope you don’t misunderstand.
Anyway.. maybe we’ll talk when I’m back home, otherwise I wish you a nice time 🙂 and don’t work too much!”

This is what I sent him. It’s actually quite hard to put this feeling into words, without them sounding like an accusation or me sounding like that whiney little girl, with no self-esteem whatsoever. I mean it is totally okay to not be his type of girl, or us just being friends… or maybe not even this. I don’t want to lose him, because he seems nice. That’s why I was scared to send it in the first place. I could just live on in the dream of some day dating him. But it has done me no good with Alan already, when I just dreamt of us getting back together, when the reality told me the opposite.
We’ll see. I’ll let y’all know when I’m back home.

finding love

I texted Doc on Friday, asking “do you feel like meeting up for a drink sometimes, if you find the time?” I don’t know where all the courage came from, but honestly… I already knew the answer I would get. And I knew by asking that I would know where I’m standing with him.
I also wanted to give him a chance of an excuse (no time), so he didn’t have to dump me. I figured he was the kind of person, that wasn’t able to really tell someone that he was not interested. I don’t mean this in any bad way, I’m the same. I just figured he was too nice to be that honest to hurt someone.

After I sent it I waited… and waited… and waited. There was no reply that evening. Which wasn’t that much of a surprise, as I usually got an answer super late from him. On Saturday morning there was still nothing. Neither on Sunday morning. I started to feel sad, not about him dumping me.. but just because I hadn’t thought he was the kind of guy to be ghosting me. I never actually lost the hope in him replying.. I was just,.. surprised. I can’t really describe the feeling, as I always knew he would text me at some point. But then I knew how wrong I was about Alan, so I don’t really trust my knowledge in human nature anymore. I didn’t know if I was wrong once again. I really didn’t want to be.

Turns out, I wasn’t. This evening I got a text, saying: “Yes, I would like to meet up, but the time is the crucial part… as you have experienced by me only replying now.”
I wasn’t even sad, as I expected exactly this answer. I was actually proud of me for asking in the first place and not holding back from possibly being turned down. I did text him back, that he should let me know whenever he was free and wanted to see me, as I’m quite spontaneous. I don’t expect this to ever happen, but who really knows?!

I wasn’t exactly sad. Not in a way that I have been before, when I got such an answer from someone. But then again, I think it’s because I knew beforehand that I’m not actually his type of girl. Or that’s what I think anyway.
And it got me thinking… Why just give up? Love is not meant to be “plain and easy”. I can’t expect to meet someone, talk to them for 2 weeks and then be happily in love. That probably is one reason why my relationships never worked out, as I was always so impatient. I need to really get to know someone. Even if it takes a year or even longer, who cares? Maybe he needs time for himself. He is busy, and I understand that I’m not a priority. I don’t even expect to be one. I know that if he really wanted to see me, he would find the time… but it’s not the case, and that’s totally fine.

Maybe this is meant to be a lesson for my patience in finding love. Who really knows?
When I think back to how Momo and I got together, it was actually the same. We met, we texted a lot, we had sex.. and I always asked myself what I was doing. Why we couldn’t just put a label on what we had? Why we couldn’t just fall in love with each other. But I kept doing what I knew I could deal with. And in the end (2 months later) we figured out, that we do match pretty good and this could work out. And it did (for the time being).

Maybe this is the same? Or maybe fate just made me meet him to forget about Alan (which actually really has worked. He has been on my mind a lot less, and whenever he is, I’m not hurt anymore.. so that’s great).

Who really knows? I’m just living life and enjoying what I have. Who even needs to think nonstop about finding the one? It’s never going to happen that way, and I know that.

ups and downs.

This is a place where I am completely honest, and I know how much I will love to read back on these posts in a year or so. How messed up my thoughts were, how difficult I make things for myself – when they’re really not.

After my very bad thoughts on Sunday, I didn’t want them to be true. I hesitated about writing that post, but I felt the need to get it out – writing it down makes it so real. But then I talked about it with a friend and she looked at me like I was a crazy woman. She met him that day and told me how well we match and how in love we looked.

Alan came to my place on Wednesday. I was out with some friends and asked if he was okay meeting them beforehand. He didn’t reply, so I simply got him there. He was very quiet, but I was happy for him to meet them. Then he met my mom. Everything went so well. Even my cats liked him, which was a huge relief to me.
We were sitting on the table for 3 hours, those two just talking to each other, so I already knew my mother liked him. Just today she told me that she thought he was so different to Momo, but that she really liked his personality.

When we got into bed, Alan and I had a long talk about our family issues. And the next morning – reviving these moments – my heart almost burst with love and that’s when I knew he is worth the struggles I’m going through. He is not just my boyfriend, but becoming a good friend. He listens, he’s there for me, he understands my situation. And that’s so important to me. Finally having someone, who knows what I am talking about. But after all that he’s went through, he still is so positive (and that’s something so different than what I’m used to).
Also my friend asked me if I have always been nervous before seeing my boyfriend,… and I realised that I have never felt this way. I was nervous before the first date, but anything after that was fine. I still get the butterflies just before I see Alan now – and I have seen him soooo many hours by now. It’s really weird to me.

Yes, I still fear to meet his friends and mom. She does not think very good of me (I think I mentioned that she saw the hickeys and told him that it was very cheap of me – he lied to her about me, said it was a bet with a friend.. but mum’s just know, right?). I really want to get along with her, so I’m under a lot of pressure. There’s no meeting in sight yet, but I know how nervous I will be – and I am sooo awkward when I’m nervous. I’m meeting some of his friends this weekend, so we’ll see how this goes.

I just wanted to say that although things might be edgy at times, I am very happy with him.

PS: Kenny texted me this week about today’s party. Today a year ago I met and kissed him. I told him that I wasn’t planning on going to that party and he asked me why not. So I just told him that I might go over to my boyfriend’s place (which wasn’t the case at all) and he was like “wow that went fast!” and I asked what he meant. Him: “well, just a month ago you hated every man.” I actually laughed out loud, because really?! Me: “that’s because I hadn’t met the right one yet.” Haven’t heard much from him since – apart from that he wished me luck.

I met his father! | part 3.

Read part 1 here and part 2 here.

I knew beforehand that I would spend the night. He told me I would, and I was actually more than okay with it – although I’m usually really not the type of girl to spend the night at a guy’s house. Like I said before, I didn’t intend to have sex with him, and I know pretty well that you can spend a night in bed without actually having sex.

Well. This didn’t work with Alan and me. At all. We were awake till 5am, cuddling, having sex, talking. Then we fell asleep till 12pm, just to start anew *laugh* At some point he said that he was so glad he now knew we could spend all day in bed without any judgement from my side. We then got up to eat something and he had to finish his paper whilst I was hanging around. It was actually so lovely.

Afterwards we went and watched some more TV. It was around 7pm by then, when he asked me when I had to be head back home. I said there was no specific time, I just had to get to school the next morning. He then told me that he had to pick up his father at 9.30pm and that I could leave then, and I said okay. So clearly I had it set in mind that I would leave around 9pm.

When 9pm turned around he asked if I would like to stay some longer and he knew I was torn. I knew I should get home for the sake of school, but also really wanted to stay with him – afraid that this dream bubble would pop, once I got out of reach. So after another 15 minutes he asked again and I said I would stay – although I was terrified to meet his father this early on. I mean we just met, how was I supposed to react? And I also didn’t know how much his father even knew about me – or if he even knew I existed.
So we went to the train station to get him. I got so nervous, because at lunch we talked about first impressions with parents, and he told me how his ex girlfriend had messed up with his parents – so you know. Pressure high!
His father got there, I said “Hi I’m M” and he was just like “yeah hi!”. I was so set back about this that I didn’t even try to speak to him anymore on the car ride back home. I was devastated by then, because I had thought I totally had ruined my chance with Alan. He told me how much it meant to him that his girlfriend would get along with his family.

Once we did get home though, we started a casual chat with his father and it was so much fun. Not so much fun, when he asked Alan about those hickeys I gave him the night before, but oh well… embarrassment on a whole new level. We then actually watched TV for about 3 hours – his father, him and I. It was lovely. His father then went to bed and we continued watching TV till 3am. I knew I had to get up at 5am to get to school on time, so I wasn’t planning to go to sleep and just held him in my arms and watched him sleep.

Once my alarm went off I just wanted to go, I was so devastated by then, so tired and sad to leave.. I wanted to get it over with, because he was half asleep. So I said goodbye, kissed him a billion times and went back home. I went straight to school with no sleep whatsoever – and lack of sleep does wicked things to my brain…

To be continued.

first date with Alan went on.. and on… | part 1.

So there’s quite a lot to update you on… I’m not sure yet if I will put this all in one post or what. But we’ll see whilst writing, right?

Alan and I settled to see each other on Saturday early afternoon. No set time, as he had to work till 6am and I just told him to let me know as soon as he was awake and I could  drive off (it’s a 1.5hour ride). He texted me on 12.30pm, but then didn’t reply again when I told him to let me know when he was ready. By 1.30pm I was going batshit crazy, as I was so nervous and just drove off. I knew there was a chance he would not be awake until I arrived, but I didn’t think he would dump me. When I got to a motel close to his town and still no text from him, I just parked my car there and waited. I texted him again, letting him know I was there. No message.

A flight of panic arised – of him playing with me all along, but I didn’t truly believe so. I knew there must have been something else off. I texted a few friends of mine close to his town as well to spend some time with and then restarted my phone – because, you never know what is going wrong, right?! Just to receive his address and asking if I only had just gotten that text message (he told me later that he had sent it at 1.30pm already, and I received it at 3.45pm, wtf?). So I let him know that I would be there in 20 minutes and drove off.

Once I arrived – I didn’t even have a chance to really get nervous until I got out of the car – I waited there. I saw him on the other side of the sidewalk and he came up to me. We hugged and I was so fascinated by his eyes. I actually had to force myself to not look stare at him. We then went to his flat. He quickly showed me around and he then asked me whether we should go do some shopping or if I’d like to eat out. I then said we could go and do the shopping and that’s what we did. It was fun, we talked like we had known each other for years – and it certainly felt that way as well. He was making fun of me, we were teasing and just having casual fun. Once we got all our groceries we got back to the car and I thought we would go back home. Instead he drove around and I really had no idea where we were. I did tell him he could easily kidnap me without even blindfolding me. I had no idea where we were, but I trusted him.

We ended up on a hill, where we were able to look over the sea of fog – it was plain beautiful. We then went and had a drink at a pub overlooking the scenery. We had such a good talk. Very serious, yet funny as well. I loved talking to him, getting to know more of him and his family. After about 2 hours or so we went back to the car. He then asked if I had my passport with me – which I had – so we quickly went over the border and got some petrol. I really enjoyed driving next to him (I usually never do!).

We then went back home.

More to come… 😉