date

crazy cat lady

Honestly… sometimes I really understand why my friends are telling me to make a movie out of my life. Sometimes I really ask myself, why I’m reacting the way I do. Or why I’m doing certain things. But oh well, the harm is done. Gotta live with it now.

I was frustrated last night. VERY frustrated. I wanted to test how long it takes P to text me first. Yesterday marked 4 days, and I wanted to send him something, so I did. I hate playing those games, so fuck it. After he didn’t keep up the conversation after a very short while, I just said “bye” at around 8pm. He asked why I said “bye” and I just said bye again. He asked where I was heading to. Here is where I took a wrong turn.

I’m going nowhere, but your interest in texting with me doesn’t seem to be existent anymore lately and even I have understood that by now… so that’s why I don’t want to force anything anymore that is one-sided, and therefore: bye” I am very aware how bitchy that was, and it’s so not me. I’m not like that. I tell people what the fuck is wrong, without sounding like a bitch.
He just answered with a simple “hmm…“, which obviously got me even madder. Here’s where I should have gone to bed and not reply to him no more. But I didn’t:
I don’t mean to harm you, and I’m not sure how you took it. You know what I think of you, but as I said there wasn’t much from you anymore. I don’t want to bother you and be that girl, that doesn’t get a hint and keeps bothering you, when you’re done already. I like texting with you, you should know. But there’s no need when it’s always started by me, right? I didn’t mean it as a ‘bye, get the fuck away, I don’t want to ever talk to you again’, but I will take a step back, because I finally got it. You are welcome to text, whenever you want.

I then went to bed. I’m glad I was able to actually sleep. But when I woke up to no text whatsoever (and he had been online till 3am, so it wasn’t like he was away or something), I was just sad. Disappointed. I hadn’t expected this. Not from him, at least.

I texted again (I see your eye-rolling – stop!):
Hmm okay, I didn’t expect to just get nothing… I just want to say one last thing then. I think you understand how frustrating it is, when you miss someone and that person rarely or never texts you first and that’s why I texted you last night. Nothing has changed about how I think of ‘us’ or how I feel about you (even if I had hope me being away helps). I just don’t want to fool myself and that’s why I’m giving you some room to breathe. Believe me, it’s not easy, but I promise I will leave you be even if that hurts me.. I’m sorry if I have wrong-footed you.
I know I should play that game of catch-fetch, but that’s not me. I want people to know how I feel or think. There’s so much hate and misunderstandings, because people are playing games and not communicating properly. I’m done with this. I’d rather let him know how I feel, than us both being frustrated.

I got an answer about an hour later:

There’s not coming nothing anymore… I have been thinking about it, but it’s still like that time I explained to you about my situation: I have enjoyed every moment with you and don’t regret anything.. and we can go out for dinner or just do something together.
But I don’t know, how hopeful you’re going to be that we’ll end up in intimate togetherness until we’re old afterwards 😛
What got me wrong-footed isn’t you, but the situation right now. I still am struggling with my father’s death and it has turned my life upside down… but I also don’t want to blame everything for this.
Don’t worry, I know very well how much you like me – and it is very nice. But I also don’t want to play with your feelings.

I didn’t answer all day. Firstly because I was at work, but also because I wanted to think about what to reply. I know I could’ve gone “I don’t have any hope” blablah, but we all know that would be a lie. And he knows that as well. So I figured I could be completely honest:

I’m sorry I always bother you with this. I didn’t mean “seeing you”, but that I felt like your interest decreased in the texting-habit. But I guess I didn’t articulate myself very well.
So I’m going to be very honest now: We will never have an intimate togetherness with our cats… 😉 no seriously though: of course I cannot claim to have no hope whatsoever – and I think you know that, but I am very well aware that it doesn’t work (right now) and it could go both ways. Nobody can promise anything.
And I never felt like you were playing with my feelings, because you have always been honest and explained your situation, so I will not blame you for that. In the end it would be my problem, because I know what I’m getting myself into. I don’t know how to explain. I actually just wanted to let you know, that you should text me from time to time 😛

It’s funny though. I knew this morning that things weren’t done. Although my brain wanted me to be sad for this loss, I knew I had not actually lost him. It is so weird to explain that relationship to anyone. Or how I feel about us. I wish he’d feel the same. Or I could give him some sort of security. But this conversation just showed me once more, how insecure he is. He doesn’t want to see me, because he fears of me getting hurt. When really, it’s my problem. He doesn’t give himself a chance, that’s what makes me sad actually…
In the end I know he’s telling me that I should have no hope right now that we end up as a couple. And honestly, my hope has decreased immensely. I’m not sure how we both will feel once we see each other again (since it’s been over 2 months). Of course there’s the hope that I will spark his interest again, but I also do not expect us to kiss when we see each other or whatever. I’m not that blindsided. I understand his situation and he needs time, and that is fine by me. I guess I’ll just keep going and see where things are going. And stop going crazy every few weeks *lol*

 

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back from Dubai!

I’m back from holidays. Have been for a while, but since I caught the flu on Tuesday and have been in bed ever since, I wasn’t in the mood to write. Still am not, but gotta update this page on a few things.

I had such a good time in Dubai! I mostly forgot about P and really was happy for the first time in a while without any worries. I needn’t worry whether he had texted or how he meant what he wrote, because I simply couldn’t see if he texted me at all. That took the edge completely off. I needn’t worry about anything.

I did not end up texting him before my flight took off when I left on the 22nd (because I accidentally bumped into Ken at the airport, which is a whole other story in itself *lol*), so we had been on non-contact since 3 days, because he simply didn’t text me anymore. Nothing new here. When I returned last week, I got a few messages of him he sent me on the 23rd (although he knew I’d left the day before). He wished me a nice holiday and “don’t go too wild ^^ like, without me…
I found this funny, just the way he worded that. So when I returned a week later I told him I was back and that I’ve had a nice week. We texted a bit (him mainly telling me that it’s normal to get proposed to down there – which is true). I sent him a picture to which he didn’t say much, so I let him be and went abroad once more (although I had internet there).

Then was my birthday on Tuesday. I didn’t hear from him for 3 days (until I texted him again). I did not expect him to remember my birthday, since I only told him once. It would have been cute, but I wasn’t mad at him for that. Once again the conversation didn’t flow too long.
I texted him AGAIN the day after. We texted a little and I wanted test our ground. I wasn’t able to tell how he was feeling towards us, so I said “so could you stop thinking of me, since I can’t stop sneezing for 3 days…?!” (being playful and all) to which he replied “maybe it’s a guy from your holidays, not me 😅” – now that I read it again, he might not have meant it the way I took it, but I’m not sure.
That definitely wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but was pretty straight forward telling me he was not thinking about me, I guess. I just said “well that has been pretty clear, good night then”. I was pissed. Really pissed. He just asked whether I was tired already and sent that emoji: 🙈. I replied “no”. For me it sounded like he hadn’t been thinking about me, but now a few days later, maybe he suggested it could be someone else apart from him?! I don’t know.
Did not get anything back and knew I would not get anything at all. So I went to sleep.

The next day I texted him again (will I ever learn?). We had a brief conversation. He kept it up. Sent me videos of his fireworks he was doing. We talked about my phobia. He told me I should come along once he does one, so I can face my fears – I didn’t react to it, since I knew he wasn’t serious about it. This time I was the one not to reply to his emojis, there was no need to.
I asked myself whether he was talking like that to all the girls. I really can’t tell and therefore have no idea where I stand.

So, what do I make of this? I don’t know. I have mostly given up on the hope of us working out. I’m glad I could gain some distance whilst being abroad. I have not gotten any sort of affection from him whatsoever since I’ve been back. I was devastated on Thursday, but then I realised that it was okay. I knew beforehand that this would happen. The more distance we put between us, the worse it’ll get. And it’s okay. I will have him as a friend for now and if he ever decides he wants to see me again or take a step forward, then I am very happy to be here. But I can’t just wait on him, and do all the work of keeping the contact. It is a loss of course, I remember how perfect everything felt to me… but if he doesn’t share this opinion, there’s no need to pursue a relationship on my behalf. Maybe the timing was wrong, maybe we simply weren’t meant to be. Or maybe he just needs some more time.
I’ll “move on”. Keep him in my life as a friend for now and see where things are leading.

 

On a whole other level: my exboyfriend turned up again. Nope, not Alan. One that has been long before I started that blog (I had my first real kiss with him when I was 14, so you see). He always remembers my birthday ever since we’ve known each other, which is cute. It’s usually around these times we talk, but then the contact decreases again. For some reason he invited himself over to my place and he’ll be around in 3 weeks. It’s weird, but I’m somewhat excited to see him again (it’s been 6 years since I last seen him).
Also Kenny is back. On my behalf. I had been thinking of him lately and I figured I could just text him (mainly about the sneezing part, because he was the one starting that game). Who knows what all of this will bring – I am not interested in dating, don’t get me wrong. It would feel so bad for me, since my heart still lays with P although I don’t want to. But there’s no harm in getting attention somewhere else, right?

Plus my encounter with Ken. I was waiting with a friend to check in, when someone called my last name. I got really anxious, because I thought I had done something wrong until I looked at the person that called and recognised Ken. He found it very funny that I was so shocked and we had a short banter. It was nice to see him and took off some of the anxiety I had been experiencing (always do on airports).

the package and his reaction

This is gonna be a short post, since I am super tired. Well, whenever I say this they end up super long, so I am going to apologise beforehand if I am not holding this to be true.

Wow. How did I not post anything the last 4 days, since I was going crazy all the time?!
I did feel a lot better after I had received his text message about the funeral. I only realised later on that one big fear of mine was him being distant because of me. Of course my rational brain knew it was about the death of his father, but y’all know. So knowing he was declining the offer because of the whole situation was helping me. And I also realised that it would have been bad for me as well: getting to know his family on a funeral. Worst possible moment ever, right?

Well the very next day we went back to how things were before. Texting very sporadically. I left him be for the time being, tbut replying whenever he was in a somewhat talkative mood. We did text quite a lot on Sunday night and he was back to almost normal. He also said that it means a lot to him that I am worrying about him. On Monday he was back to distant, which was expected since the funeral took place that day. I wanted to leave him be, and just asked him in the evening how he was dealing. We texted a bit.

All the while from Tuesday on I was wondering when he would get the package. I knew there was a high chance he would only get it on Friday or Saturday because of the post office hours. And I didn’t want to see him before he had received it, simply because it would feel awkward to me. So we texted on and off, just like we used to.
My friends however started to get annoyed by my constant blabbering about how much I missed him and wanted to see them. By some point they told me to just ask, but it felt wrong to me. I wanted him to manage the timing. Maybe he needed some time off, maybe he wanted to be with his family. I didn’t want to be another problem to him.

Tonight he texted me: “You shouldn’t have sent me anything… now I feel even more guilty. Thank you so much!”
So I knew he had gotten the package. I told him that it was a pleasure to do so and he shouldn’t feel any remorse. Him “I don’t know. I don’t deserve this!” I really didn’t know where this self-conciousness came from so I said that of course he deserves this. Then he told me not to spend money on him when I earn that little. I told him that I prioritise the little money I have and am very happy to spend it on him and that I hope he was happy about the gifts.
Him: “Yes, very much so. The plush toy will sleep in my bed with me forever from now on!”

This was very cute. I wasn’t sure he would be happy about it, although.. yes I knew, but I still was scared of his reaction. I then said that I did want to cuddle him again at some point, to which he said “we said in a year, right?!” (we had a conversation today when he said we could only have sex once a year, so I asked if he would text me again in 50 weeks).
So there’s that. I’m not gonna “ask” again… I will leave him the time, even though it is very hard for me to wait, since I get sooo self-concious when I don’t see him for any length of time and it has been 10 days already. Not sure if I can do another 1-2 weeks. I’m just glad I have a lot to do for school, so I can get my mind off things for a few hours a day at least.

Yes I am a little bit more calmed again, but still.. since he is so nice and he seems like such a perfect person, I just really want him in my life.. and that makes it that much harder for me to be patient. I always rush things and I am trying to hold back so much! So. I can do it! We’ll see how this continues…

 

“anniversary”

Today marks 1 month since Paraplegic has messaged me on Tinder. It is amazing to me, because it feels that much longer. On the other hand on Thursday marks 3 weeks since we first saw each other and this feels much shorter to me. I guess that’s mainly because usually I see my crushes several times a week, because I miss them so much and am super attached. But he has held me at bay and I actually think it’s a good thing. We’ve seen each other 3 times in those 3 weeks (with the sleepover of 2 days though), but we also don’t text like all day every day. We usually have a short conversation in the evening, but are very sporadically talking over the day – which I have never experienced before if I’m being honest. And I think that’s what made such a huge difference. There aren’t many misunderstandings, because of written words, because.. well we simply don’t talk that much in text form.

Also a friend of mine today called him my boyfriend and I told her not to do so. We are just dating (are we? I guess we are…) and not talking about any serious relationship stuff yet. Of course, we’ve slept together and we both are usually one’s to wait longer. But it seems to have worked for the time being and I don’t think we will be official any time soon. And you know what? I am actually good with it. I have come to terms with waiting for him to make that move.
Someone also asked me how long I plan on waiting until I have “the talk”. And I said “until he starts it”. I am not going to start that talk, because he told me not to precipitate (or rather that he doesn’t want to precipitate). And I won’t. I am totally fine with how things are for now. Of course there are times when I wonder whether he’s even interested and my self-conciousness kicks in… but I’m just trying to ignore these voices.

He has not told me he likes me yet, but has showed me in different ways. Then again, I can’t tell whether it’s platonic or not. But I’m just going with the flow and it works for both of us. I am not planning on rushing anything. I do want to do everything right, since he seems to be such a good match for me, plus it seems to be good training for me not to get everything whenever I want. Patience is key, and I do need to learn this.
I am of course afraid of doing things wrong – which usually is the case when I’m rushing things. So I am very glad he can actually somewhat control me.

Oh, I also wasn’t sure whether I was allowed to already ask when to meet next. So when we were fooling around last night, I simply asked when I would get my next “all inclusive treatment”. He didn’t take it seriously though (or purposely ignored it), so I didn’t get an answer. I just said “won’t ask again then, since I know I’m bugging you”. He was saying something fun about it. I don’t know. I’ll wait till he suggests a date again, although if I’m being honest it does drive me a bit crazy to wait.

Well, this post was pretty pointless, but whatever.

sleepover | part 2.

We went to his room. He had gotten changed whilst I was on the toilet. Quite unfair, since I had to change in front of him and I really don’t like this sort of attention this early on (as I am not as confident about my body as one might think). Well, he actually turned on the light so I told him to turn it off again (to which he said “but I wanna see!” like a little boy – but turned it off again smiling). I got changed, making sure no glimpses of me braless would be had. Then I got into bed with him. It didn’t take him too long until he started kissing me in a way I knew something would happen. And let’s be honest. It was obvious we’d sleep together at some point. Although since he was so distant whilst watching the movie, I wasn’t sure anymore whether it would happen that night. And he also told me later on, that he usually doesn’t sleep with girls that fast.

So yes. We had sex and fell asleep afterwards. The sex was okay. Not mind-blowing but I didn’t expect it to be, if I’m being honest. I loved his attention and he was being nice. I was somewhat surprised he didn’t offer any protection… until I remembered that I had mentioned on our first date that I was on the pill (he is such a good listener, honestly!)
I didn’t get the best of sleep that night, but then I never do laying next to someone “new”. But we lay in bed pretty much till like 3pm the next day. He fell asleep several times, and so did I when he was holding me close and I felt all cozy. It was very cute. Also at some point when I was laying in his arms, he all of a sudden said “it’s nice being with you!” Aww.
When we finally did get up he offered me breakfast and I expected some bread and marmalade, nothing big. But he made the biggest deal with veggies and stuff and it was so cute. He also made me try new things, which i am usually not keen on, but he somehow managed to know what I like. He also held my stomach at some point in the kitchen whilst we were making things ready, and was like “baby in here?” (since I told him my nephew asked last weekend) and I was like “well now they might be!” His face was priceless! He later texted me about my bleeding (from my cervix surgery, beause I had told him that I’d gone to the o.b. on Friday) “hope I didn’t make it worse” and then asked when my next appointment was. When I told him it was 5 months away he simply stated “if you’re pregnant, it might be earlier 😛 “. He’s so funny with things like this, I love it.

He tried to make sure I was eating enough, but I can’t. I just can’t with someone I’m nervous with. But he was all cute about it, being worried I didn’t get enough. Somehow after breakfast we ended up in bed again, just cuddling till dinner time. He cooked again, being all lovely and then we watched some TV, cuddling with the cats and stuff. We went to bed again at like 1am and I had a REALLY good night’s sleep this time. I was however sad, since I knew I had to leave around 10am the next morning, because I had made plans. I didn’t want to go, but he made me. Not sure whether he wanted to have some alone time, or simply didn’t want my mom to get angry because I’d turn up super late. Of course I did say “you just want to get rid of me” which he always declined… but I don’t know. I wasn’t so sure.

The date was good overall. However there have been a few things on my mind. First of all, I know that I have fallen for him. Way harder than he has. At this point it doesn’t bother me as much as it probably should… but I somehow just noticed. I’m sure he likes me, but I’m not sure if he actually will ever want me as a girlfriend. Secondly – *TMI!!* and this somewhat upset me: we had sex that first night. In the morning he started fumbling again and of course I wanted him again. He didn’t get hard though.
So I was not sure whether he’s not turned on by me, whether he was thinking too much or whatever. Of course the first thought was, that I did something wrong. However, I have asked him this evening by text and he told me that he had been overthinking too much (about a lot of things, not just during sex) which sometimes plays its tricks on him. Also since he is paraplegic, it also affects his sensory. I’m glad I asked, because I didn’t want to at first. But he said that he would let me know if I’d do anything wrong. I’m sure we can make things work and it’s not like the worst thing ever. I just wanted to make sure it was okay for him! And he was super upset about my bleeding, worrying he had hurt me… which was so cute!

Yeah, I’m somewhat all over the place as you probably can tell. Can’t tell what he wants or how he’s really feeling. He did tell me as well, that he usually doesn’t get into bed with girls that quickly, but didn’t tell me why he did with me (well he said I had provoked him, which is absolutely not true! It was completely on his terms!). It’s not a bad thing at all, it makes him much more sympathetic to me… but all of this is just hard for me. I don’t think he only wanted sex, else I’d notice by now and he wouldn’t text me anymore. He also texted me saying “I hope the bleeding doesn’t get heavier because of me”, which just shows me that he actually cares for me – even if he doesn’t say it like that.

We’ll see. For now I’m just going with the flow and will not ask for a “set status” or whatever. I don’t need it anyway. I know how I feel and will let him have the time he needs until he feels the same (or breaks it up).

date #3 | part 1.

It’s funny how things can turn around just like that. As I mentioned in my last post, he told me to shut up more or less. I didn’t text him again, but of course wasn’t very happy about his choice of words (or lack thereof). Well, the next morning I got a “hello sexy beast” (referring to the picture I had sent him to which he told me to hold my mouth closed). So I knew all was good again and I had been overreacting. I was so glad I didn’t tell him anything. He also told me, he does think I’m sexy, just not on that photoshopped picture – which was the first straightforward compliment ever!

Anyway.
He then messaged me Friday around noon, asking whether I was coming over to his place that night. This caught me somewhat off guard, since – yes I did suggest this early in the week, but – he always talked about looking forward to Saturday. So I told him that I hadn’t expected it, but that I would very happily go over. He then was all sappy going “it’s too late now, you don’t want to see me blahblah”. I knew he was fooling around so I was joining the game, saying it was his loss to miss out on a sexy beast (I do in no way think of myself as that!). Well, he texted me back at like 6.30pm saying he was home now and I was welcome to come over whenever. Gotcha!

So I did indeed go over. I was at his place at 8.30pm. I have never been in that area before, so I was quite nervous whether I would find his house at all (I hate driving to new places, even more so at night). I did find his house, but didn’t know where to park, so I texted him asking. A neighbour of his was already looking at me weirdly, so I was hoping he’d reply quickly. He came out the door and told me where to park. When I got out of the car, I didn’t go in for a hug, since the last time at IKEA he reacted a bit distant. Well, surprise: he gave me a welcome kiss.

At first I had planned on leaving my sleeping stuff in the car, as not to take the option of sleeping at home away. I didn’t know what he was planning. But once I was there and got a kiss, I knew I’d stay the night.
So he showed me around the house, I was trying hard to become friends with his 3 cats, but found out soon enough they were psychos (however one of them got all cuddley over the course of 2 days *spoiler*).

Well yeah. We then went for a little walk on the mountain (after driving like crazy and him asking again and again whether I was fine driving) and he was all cuddly again. There wasn’t much to see, since it was night and dark. But it was a cute thought of him either way.
Like I’ve said before, I love the time spent with him, because then I know he actually likes me. When we got home again, we watched a horror movie. Or well, at least started it but it was all weird and boring. After a while he asked whether we should go to bed (it was like 12.30am by then). By this point I was a bit unsure about our “status” since he wasn’t as cuddly as I had expected whilst watching that movie. So I told him (as a joke!) that no I was going home to sleep. His face was priceless, so I knew he actually wanted me to spend the night.

And so I did.

To be continued…

he told me to stfu…

I didn’t mean to make a big deal out of this, but I really need to get this out of my system…
As you might have noticed by now, Paraplegic is not big on words or compliments. Or at least not straightforward. He compliments me in his own way, which I somewhat enjoy. But he also writes a lot of things he doesn’t mean harmful and is trying to teach me to not take anything personal.

After his simple goodbye 2 days ago I just sent him the solution to the sudoku and wasn’t keen on talking to him anymore. He then was teasing me again, ironically telling me how helpful I was (since I told him I only wanted to help in the afternoon). I then didn’t reply to a question of his, because I went to bed early. I also didn’t text him in the morning, because… well I just didn’t. Funnily enough – since he sometimes ignores me for a day or two – he asked whether I was still alive. I told him that I had been asleep and I was well. He then said “all good, now I experienced what it’s like to be ignored by you 😛 “. I usually reply pretty quickly, and I knew he needed a lesson. But I’m just not a person to ignore anyone, because I hate it myself. Anyway, I then said “see it’s a bad feeling, right?” to which he said “not at all.. I actually enjoyed the silence”.

Now here’s thing. I know that I need to learn not to take things personally. But sometimes it’s just hard. This was one of those times. To me it sounded like “I enjoyed not being bothered by you”, which I also let him know. He then said “I didn’t say I enjoyed my time without you, but people use their phones way too much anyway.. so when you’re not using it, it’s quality time. That was just your interpretation.” Which I do share his opinion and I love that he never or rarely uses his phone when we spend time together.

Fast forward to today. He did make me a compliment, he just didn’t make it as obvious. He was telling me that “school is beautiful” to which I only sent a face-palm-emoji. “You are as well :-* ” whilst we were talking about other things (but I knew he was referring to the beautiful). Then I was being a bit silly in the afternoon and sent him some funny photoshop-collages I did of myself. 3 hours later I got a message “you’re obviously bored at work?!” to which I replied “I’m sorry, I’m gonna be quiet now.”

“Good.”

That’s all I got. “Good”. I know it shouldn’t hurt me and I should even less take it personally. Maybe he’s had a bad day or wasn’t in the mood for my stupid ass pictures. But he could’ve simply told me so or ignored me like any other day. But this was just rude. And as I said, I know I need to stop reading things into what he writes. He tells me all the time. So I’m trying hard to ignore this. I haven’t replied to it yet. And probably won’t. I’m just scared that he’ll cancel our date on Saturday, because our dates usually are what keep me going. Because our written conversations are nothing like our real ones. And I really miss him. So I’m not sure what to do right now. Or that he’ll use this as a break-off point of our contact. What if I don’t text him, will he do so? I’m not sure… not sure what the right things to do is…?!

I just wish it was Saturday already and I could spend my time with him. I really need the reinsurance right now. It seems after a week of not seeing him, my mind is starting to play tricks on me. Did so last week, but then I saw him last Thursday. Now it’s been 7 days and will be another 2. I can do this. Think positive, M.