the package and his reaction

This is gonna be a short post, since I am super tired. Well, whenever I say this they end up super long, so I am going to apologise beforehand if I am not holding this to be true.

Wow. How did I not post anything the last 4 days, since I was going crazy all the time?!
I did feel a lot better after I had received his text message about the funeral. I only realised later on that one big fear of mine was him being distant because of me. Of course my rational brain knew it was about the death of his father, but y’all know. So knowing he was declining the offer because of the whole situation was helping me. And I also realised that it would have been bad for me as well: getting to know his family on a funeral. Worst possible moment ever, right?

Well the very next day we went back to how things were before. Texting very sporadically. I left him be for the time being, tbut replying whenever he was in a somewhat talkative mood. We did text quite a lot on Sunday night and he was back to almost normal. He also said that it means a lot to him that I am worrying about him. On Monday he was back to distant, which was expected since the funeral took place that day. I wanted to leave him be, and just asked him in the evening how he was dealing. We texted a bit.

All the while from Tuesday on I was wondering when he would get the package. I knew there was a high chance he would only get it on Friday or Saturday because of the post office hours. And I didn’t want to see him before he had received it, simply because it would feel awkward to me. So we texted on and off, just like we used to.
My friends however started to get annoyed by my constant blabbering about how much I missed him and wanted to see them. By some point they told me to just ask, but it felt wrong to me. I wanted him to manage the timing. Maybe he needed some time off, maybe he wanted to be with his family. I didn’t want to be another problem to him.

Tonight he texted me: “You shouldn’t have sent me anything… now I feel even more guilty. Thank you so much!”
So I knew he had gotten the package. I told him that it was a pleasure to do so and he shouldn’t feel any remorse. Him “I don’t know. I don’t deserve this!” I really didn’t know where this self-conciousness came from so I said that of course he deserves this. Then he told me not to spend money on him when I earn that little. I told him that I prioritise the little money I have and am very happy to spend it on him and that I hope he was happy about the gifts.
Him: “Yes, very much so. The plush toy will sleep in my bed with me forever from now on!”

This was very cute. I wasn’t sure he would be happy about it, although.. yes I knew, but I still was scared of his reaction. I then said that I did want to cuddle him again at some point, to which he said “we said in a year, right?!” (we had a conversation today when he said we could only have sex once a year, so I asked if he would text me again in 50 weeks).
So there’s that. I’m not gonna “ask” again… I will leave him the time, even though it is very hard for me to wait, since I get sooo self-concious when I don’t see him for any length of time and it has been 10 days already. Not sure if I can do another 1-2 weeks. I’m just glad I have a lot to do for school, so I can get my mind off things for a few hours a day at least.

Yes I am a little bit more calmed again, but still.. since he is so nice and he seems like such a perfect person, I just really want him in my life.. and that makes it that much harder for me to be patient. I always rush things and I am trying to hold back so much! So. I can do it! We’ll see how this continues…




Today marks 1 month since Paraplegic has messaged me on Tinder. It is amazing to me, because it feels that much longer. On the other hand on Thursday marks 3 weeks since we first saw each other and this feels much shorter to me. I guess that’s mainly because usually I see my crushes several times a week, because I miss them so much and am super attached. But he has held me at bay and I actually think it’s a good thing. We’ve seen each other 3 times in those 3 weeks (with the sleepover of 2 days though), but we also don’t text like all day every day. We usually have a short conversation in the evening, but are very sporadically talking over the day – which I have never experienced before if I’m being honest. And I think that’s what made such a huge difference. There aren’t many misunderstandings, because of written words, because.. well we simply don’t talk that much in text form.

Also a friend of mine today called him my boyfriend and I told her not to do so. We are just dating (are we? I guess we are…) and not talking about any serious relationship stuff yet. Of course, we’ve slept together and we both are usually one’s to wait longer. But it seems to have worked for the time being and I don’t think we will be official any time soon. And you know what? I am actually good with it. I have come to terms with waiting for him to make that move.
Someone also asked me how long I plan on waiting until I have “the talk”. And I said “until he starts it”. I am not going to start that talk, because he told me not to precipitate (or rather that he doesn’t want to precipitate). And I won’t. I am totally fine with how things are for now. Of course there are times when I wonder whether he’s even interested and my self-conciousness kicks in… but I’m just trying to ignore these voices.

He has not told me he likes me yet, but has showed me in different ways. Then again, I can’t tell whether it’s platonic or not. But I’m just going with the flow and it works for both of us. I am not planning on rushing anything. I do want to do everything right, since he seems to be such a good match for me, plus it seems to be good training for me not to get everything whenever I want. Patience is key, and I do need to learn this.
I am of course afraid of doing things wrong – which usually is the case when I’m rushing things. So I am very glad he can actually somewhat control me.

Oh, I also wasn’t sure whether I was allowed to already ask when to meet next. So when we were fooling around last night, I simply asked when I would get my next “all inclusive treatment”. He didn’t take it seriously though (or purposely ignored it), so I didn’t get an answer. I just said “won’t ask again then, since I know I’m bugging you”. He was saying something fun about it. I don’t know. I’ll wait till he suggests a date again, although if I’m being honest it does drive me a bit crazy to wait.

Well, this post was pretty pointless, but whatever.

sleepover | part 2.

We went to his room. He had gotten changed whilst I was on the toilet. Quite unfair, since I had to change in front of him and I really don’t like this sort of attention this early on (as I am not as confident about my body as one might think). Well, he actually turned on the light so I told him to turn it off again (to which he said “but I wanna see!” like a little boy – but turned it off again smiling). I got changed, making sure no glimpses of me braless would be had. Then I got into bed with him. It didn’t take him too long until he started kissing me in a way I knew something would happen. And let’s be honest. It was obvious we’d sleep together at some point. Although since he was so distant whilst watching the movie, I wasn’t sure anymore whether it would happen that night. And he also told me later on, that he usually doesn’t sleep with girls that fast.

So yes. We had sex and fell asleep afterwards. The sex was okay. Not mind-blowing but I didn’t expect it to be, if I’m being honest. I loved his attention and he was being nice. I was somewhat surprised he didn’t offer any protection… until I remembered that I had mentioned on our first date that I was on the pill (he is such a good listener, honestly!)
I didn’t get the best of sleep that night, but then I never do laying next to someone “new”. But we lay in bed pretty much till like 3pm the next day. He fell asleep several times, and so did I when he was holding me close and I felt all cozy. It was very cute. Also at some point when I was laying in his arms, he all of a sudden said “it’s nice being with you!” Aww.
When we finally did get up he offered me breakfast and I expected some bread and marmalade, nothing big. But he made the biggest deal with veggies and stuff and it was so cute. He also made me try new things, which i am usually not keen on, but he somehow managed to know what I like. He also held my stomach at some point in the kitchen whilst we were making things ready, and was like “baby in here?” (since I told him my nephew asked last weekend) and I was like “well now they might be!” His face was priceless! He later texted me about my bleeding (from my cervix surgery, beause I had told him that I’d gone to the o.b. on Friday) “hope I didn’t make it worse” and then asked when my next appointment was. When I told him it was 5 months away he simply stated “if you’re pregnant, it might be earlier 😛 “. He’s so funny with things like this, I love it.

He tried to make sure I was eating enough, but I can’t. I just can’t with someone I’m nervous with. But he was all cute about it, being worried I didn’t get enough. Somehow after breakfast we ended up in bed again, just cuddling till dinner time. He cooked again, being all lovely and then we watched some TV, cuddling with the cats and stuff. We went to bed again at like 1am and I had a REALLY good night’s sleep this time. I was however sad, since I knew I had to leave around 10am the next morning, because I had made plans. I didn’t want to go, but he made me. Not sure whether he wanted to have some alone time, or simply didn’t want my mom to get angry because I’d turn up super late. Of course I did say “you just want to get rid of me” which he always declined… but I don’t know. I wasn’t so sure.

The date was good overall. However there have been a few things on my mind. First of all, I know that I have fallen for him. Way harder than he has. At this point it doesn’t bother me as much as it probably should… but I somehow just noticed. I’m sure he likes me, but I’m not sure if he actually will ever want me as a girlfriend. Secondly – *TMI!!* and this somewhat upset me: we had sex that first night. In the morning he started fumbling again and of course I wanted him again. He didn’t get hard though.
So I was not sure whether he’s not turned on by me, whether he was thinking too much or whatever. Of course the first thought was, that I did something wrong. However, I have asked him this evening by text and he told me that he had been overthinking too much (about a lot of things, not just during sex) which sometimes plays its tricks on him. Also since he is paraplegic, it also affects his sensory. I’m glad I asked, because I didn’t want to at first. But he said that he would let me know if I’d do anything wrong. I’m sure we can make things work and it’s not like the worst thing ever. I just wanted to make sure it was okay for him! And he was super upset about my bleeding, worrying he had hurt me… which was so cute!

Yeah, I’m somewhat all over the place as you probably can tell. Can’t tell what he wants or how he’s really feeling. He did tell me as well, that he usually doesn’t get into bed with girls that quickly, but didn’t tell me why he did with me (well he said I had provoked him, which is absolutely not true! It was completely on his terms!). It’s not a bad thing at all, it makes him much more sympathetic to me… but all of this is just hard for me. I don’t think he only wanted sex, else I’d notice by now and he wouldn’t text me anymore. He also texted me saying “I hope the bleeding doesn’t get heavier because of me”, which just shows me that he actually cares for me – even if he doesn’t say it like that.

We’ll see. For now I’m just going with the flow and will not ask for a “set status” or whatever. I don’t need it anyway. I know how I feel and will let him have the time he needs until he feels the same (or breaks it up).

date #3 | part 1.

It’s funny how things can turn around just like that. As I mentioned in my last post, he told me to shut up more or less. I didn’t text him again, but of course wasn’t very happy about his choice of words (or lack thereof). Well, the next morning I got a “hello sexy beast” (referring to the picture I had sent him to which he told me to hold my mouth closed). So I knew all was good again and I had been overreacting. I was so glad I didn’t tell him anything. He also told me, he does think I’m sexy, just not on that photoshopped picture – which was the first straightforward compliment ever!

He then messaged me Friday around noon, asking whether I was coming over to his place that night. This caught me somewhat off guard, since – yes I did suggest this early in the week, but – he always talked about looking forward to Saturday. So I told him that I hadn’t expected it, but that I would very happily go over. He then was all sappy going “it’s too late now, you don’t want to see me blahblah”. I knew he was fooling around so I was joining the game, saying it was his loss to miss out on a sexy beast (I do in no way think of myself as that!). Well, he texted me back at like 6.30pm saying he was home now and I was welcome to come over whenever. Gotcha!

So I did indeed go over. I was at his place at 8.30pm. I have never been in that area before, so I was quite nervous whether I would find his house at all (I hate driving to new places, even more so at night). I did find his house, but didn’t know where to park, so I texted him asking. A neighbour of his was already looking at me weirdly, so I was hoping he’d reply quickly. He came out the door and told me where to park. When I got out of the car, I didn’t go in for a hug, since the last time at IKEA he reacted a bit distant. Well, surprise: he gave me a welcome kiss.

At first I had planned on leaving my sleeping stuff in the car, as not to take the option of sleeping at home away. I didn’t know what he was planning. But once I was there and got a kiss, I knew I’d stay the night.
So he showed me around the house, I was trying hard to become friends with his 3 cats, but found out soon enough they were psychos (however one of them got all cuddley over the course of 2 days *spoiler*).

Well yeah. We then went for a little walk on the mountain (after driving like crazy and him asking again and again whether I was fine driving) and he was all cuddly again. There wasn’t much to see, since it was night and dark. But it was a cute thought of him either way.
Like I’ve said before, I love the time spent with him, because then I know he actually likes me. When we got home again, we watched a horror movie. Or well, at least started it but it was all weird and boring. After a while he asked whether we should go to bed (it was like 12.30am by then). By this point I was a bit unsure about our “status” since he wasn’t as cuddly as I had expected whilst watching that movie. So I told him (as a joke!) that no I was going home to sleep. His face was priceless, so I knew he actually wanted me to spend the night.

And so I did.

To be continued…

he told me to stfu…

I didn’t mean to make a big deal out of this, but I really need to get this out of my system…
As you might have noticed by now, Paraplegic is not big on words or compliments. Or at least not straightforward. He compliments me in his own way, which I somewhat enjoy. But he also writes a lot of things he doesn’t mean harmful and is trying to teach me to not take anything personal.

After his simple goodbye 2 days ago I just sent him the solution to the sudoku and wasn’t keen on talking to him anymore. He then was teasing me again, ironically telling me how helpful I was (since I told him I only wanted to help in the afternoon). I then didn’t reply to a question of his, because I went to bed early. I also didn’t text him in the morning, because… well I just didn’t. Funnily enough – since he sometimes ignores me for a day or two – he asked whether I was still alive. I told him that I had been asleep and I was well. He then said “all good, now I experienced what it’s like to be ignored by you 😛 “. I usually reply pretty quickly, and I knew he needed a lesson. But I’m just not a person to ignore anyone, because I hate it myself. Anyway, I then said “see it’s a bad feeling, right?” to which he said “not at all.. I actually enjoyed the silence”.

Now here’s thing. I know that I need to learn not to take things personally. But sometimes it’s just hard. This was one of those times. To me it sounded like “I enjoyed not being bothered by you”, which I also let him know. He then said “I didn’t say I enjoyed my time without you, but people use their phones way too much anyway.. so when you’re not using it, it’s quality time. That was just your interpretation.” Which I do share his opinion and I love that he never or rarely uses his phone when we spend time together.

Fast forward to today. He did make me a compliment, he just didn’t make it as obvious. He was telling me that “school is beautiful” to which I only sent a face-palm-emoji. “You are as well :-* ” whilst we were talking about other things (but I knew he was referring to the beautiful). Then I was being a bit silly in the afternoon and sent him some funny photoshop-collages I did of myself. 3 hours later I got a message “you’re obviously bored at work?!” to which I replied “I’m sorry, I’m gonna be quiet now.”


That’s all I got. “Good”. I know it shouldn’t hurt me and I should even less take it personally. Maybe he’s had a bad day or wasn’t in the mood for my stupid ass pictures. But he could’ve simply told me so or ignored me like any other day. But this was just rude. And as I said, I know I need to stop reading things into what he writes. He tells me all the time. So I’m trying hard to ignore this. I haven’t replied to it yet. And probably won’t. I’m just scared that he’ll cancel our date on Saturday, because our dates usually are what keep me going. Because our written conversations are nothing like our real ones. And I really miss him. So I’m not sure what to do right now. Or that he’ll use this as a break-off point of our contact. What if I don’t text him, will he do so? I’m not sure… not sure what the right things to do is…?!

I just wish it was Saturday already and I could spend my time with him. I really need the reinsurance right now. It seems after a week of not seeing him, my mind is starting to play tricks on me. Did so last week, but then I saw him last Thursday. Now it’s been 7 days and will be another 2. I can do this. Think positive, M.

emotionally unstable

Do you guys ever have those days you just take everything personally? I don’t know why, but I am super emotional today. Actually just this evening, so that upsets me even more, because I felt good all day long.

Last night Paraplegic and I settled for another date on Saturday. As I mentioned in my last post the date from Sunday was cancelled due to other plans of his and he said he has reserved the next weekend for me. I told him I was off school on Friday already, but he’s probably busy so we’ll more likely will see each other on Saturday. He once more told me that he’s looking forward to the date (which he always does).

Then I didn’t get any messages for 16 hours. I honestly have gotten used to this, and didn’t really bother about his silence. He then sent me a link to an event this Thursday close to his home. I asked what he wanted to tell me with this and he said “just to show how lovely my home is”. Oh well.
On our last date we solved some crosswords and Sudokus at 12am, when he told me he does that every day so he can win stuff. As he was working from home yesterday I took the newspaper and sent him the solutions. So today I asked again if he’s had the time to get them and solve and he was like “not yet, you know… some people gotta work”. I know this hit me somewhere it shouldn’t have, so I knew I was already a bit off in taking this personally, because I know he didn’t mean to. So I told him I just wanted to be helpful and he was making fun of me for this. I then said I was done playing nice and he just sent me a emoji that said goodbye.
My first thought was “well, he gives up quite easily”. Of course I know he’s not a “give-uper”. He’s been in a wheelchair for 2 months and had to relearn to walk, he definitely is not one to simply give up. But am I important enough to stick around? I’m so scared he will leave for whatever reason. I really am worried about him not being interested. So I can’t wait till I see him again, because whenever we are together physically, I never get any of these thoughts. But I gotta wait another 4 days, so that’s making me insane.

I can do this. Just need to calm the fuck down. So going to bed early today. Maybe I’m just emotional because of lack of sleep. Or rather because I haven’t had any decent sleep for the last 2 weeks, even if I’m going to bed early I simply can not fall asleep. This just sucks.


I ended up telling him that I was free on Sunday (today) and Saturday night – so he had the choice of asking to see me or not. He said he could make Sunday work. I wasn’t sure he really was into it, since I don’t know how many times he likes to see people and it had only been one day when I asked. He then said he would like to see me every evening, but that I didn’t want to (because I was ignoring his suggestion on Friday night when I was already in bed…). I was not missing him as much as last week, but mainly because I knew I’d see him in just a short 2 days.

Well. I was out all day yesterday so it didn’t bother me as much, when he once more was very non-talkative. For some reason I never put an event in my calendar for our date tonight, which I usually do. He also never gave me reason not to believe in seeing him today. When I woke up this morning however I just had a feeling. Well, long story short: he texted me around 2pm (after only 2 texts yesterday all day long), saying that he had to cancel our date due to his parents needing his help. Of course I was sad not to see him, but since I somehow already had that feeling, I was okay. Also there was a reason and he told me without even asking.
Now you could say there’s a déjà-vu from Alan, right?! He put everything before me first as well. But somehow I know he wasn’t doing it on intention and we also hadn’t set any specific place and time… Plus I don’t think his parents know about me, so he couldn’t have told him he was seeing me. Of course it does show that he doesn’t put me first, but then I think that’s the thing about “taking things slow”. We’re not a couple so I don’t expect him to act like we are. I know that he likes me, and I know he loves to spend time with me… I guess that’s what’s making it a lot easier on me than it did with Alan. I just know he has the same opinion on relationships (as far as I can tell).

When he texted me about cancelling our date he also said in the same text message, that he’s reserved the whole next weekend for me though (I never asked). So that made me smile, because I really want to spend more than just a few hours with him. Sadly, I have already planned all day Sunday, but I may take him with me. I told him so (would need to meet my mom though). I do look forward to seeing him again next weekend, however it feels so long to me. But I can cope.

What I didn’t mention in my last post was, when we were out on Thursday and were loading his car with the things, he came around and gave me a little present. It was so cute, because I didn’t expect anything at all. I don’t think I’ve ever had a boyfriend that just gave me a gift without reason (usually I got flowers when they felt bad for doing something wrong). It was “just” chocolate and a keychain with a dog. But it made me so happy that he had been thinking about giving me something. And I guess that was one reason for me to believe that he has some sort of feelings for me, too. I have also reached the stage where I don’t want to rush things and make it official. That was one reason I didn’t take him home. I just want to get to know him for real and see where things are leading. This “relationship” just seems to be so different, and so good, from all the others, that I may have let up some hopes. I just hope he doesn’t destroy them. My only fear still is, that if I decide to sleep with him, he will not be interested any longer. But I don’t actually feel like he’s that kind of guy… there’s just a feeling about it, a positive one that is.

Another thing was, him making fun of me for not letting him get into my pants. Not sure how to interpret this yet… but he’s okay with a no. It’s not like he kept trying, when I pushed his hand away once.
I guess we’ll see. Now going to bed, since waiting for a text message from him has proven to be useless *lol*

PS: Fun story. I was with a friend yesterday and I met guy’s friend again. Back then he seemed like a perfect match to me. Well, he has a girlfriend now and when I was watching them yesterday I realised how much we wouldn’t have matched. There were so many things about him that “annoyed” me that I was so glad he never texted when he could have. Funny how views on love can change so much in only a year, right?!