The thing with Matt ended up being a very short fling. Not because I didn’t want to invest any time, but because I ended up at the same exact spot like with P.
I wanted to see Matt again, so I asked him when we could meet up next. He got very quiet after we’ve seen each other last week, and he didn’t reply for a while. He then said that it’s gonna be hard to find time from now on. I found this hilarious, since he had given me so many possible dates when we first started talking about it. So I just gave up. Rethinking about the situation, he probably didn’t ‘feel’ the same thing as me. And that’s totally fine. It was good to somewhat help get over P.
I say somewhat. Because I have been thinking about P a little more again. I guess mostly because I have spent some time with people that know about the situation. My colleagues and other friends don’t even know about him, neither does my mom. So no questions. But I had 2 days of school and everyone asked about him, so of course my thoughts have surfaced. Two friends even gave me a present connected to him, they bought it when we were still dating. I know they meant well, but I told them I could not use it right now, since I still can’t seem to shake him off completely.
I did however finally realise that it’s not gonna work. There’s no need to invest any more feelings and time into him. Because if I’ve learned one thing over the last few failed (attempts of) relationships, it’s that if the effort is one-sided, there’s no need to continue. It doesn’t matter how much it feels right to me, how much I know we would work out quite well, if he doesn’t feel the need to be interested in my life, there’s no point. No matter how much I
feel felt towards him. No matter how right it felt to me, it is NOT the ‘right thing’ if it’s just you in it.
Yes, it hurts. A shit tone at that. But I need to remember this. Since I returned from my holidays I heard from him twice. Twice in 3 weeks, whilst we used to text every. single. day. And that’s how things roll since I have stopped putting in any effort. And that’s what I got, so I need to accept this.
I was able to push these thoughts away during work. I was exhausted in the evenings, so I didn’t really have time to think about him. But lately… I miss him again.
And I’m angry. And disappointed that even though he felt the same connection, he did not want to overcome his worries and just give us a try. Yes, I’m angry. I’m so mad at him, because I know we would have matched so well. I’m even mad that not even did he NOT give us a chance, but he denied seeing me again at all. He’s a coward. And that makes me sad. Sad that he would not give love a try, because there was nothing to lose, really.
I hope one day he realises what he’s lost. I wish I could say one day when it wouldn’t be too late. But I guess that already happened. You know… I could have hung on… but I needed some sort of interest. And him not even replying to normal questions anymore… well he’s gone.
A week or so ago, I realised that I have given up, when I started changing my plan of life. I know that when I met P, I thought I might spend New Year’s Eve with him, since I could get to his place by 12am (I’m working a late shift that day). I didn’t make plans in hope that he would come back and make plans.
It got as far as me not wanting to apply for a job, because it would mean moving even further away from him – my thoughts being “what if we decides to come back and we start dating by then again?!”
But I have given up. Truly so. I will apply for that job as soon as I can (March 2018). I will move to that city, away from everyone. I will do what feels right for me right now – without anyone in mind but me. And even though I always said I could never live alone, I have now realised that I cannot depend on ever finding someone and – I actually can live by myself – it’s just a mindset I needed to change. I need to live my life – my way. And that’s what I’m doing now. I plan it without anyone in it, because you’ll never know if what you wish for will happen. I always wanted family by now, but that didn’t happen either. I can’t force myself to think I will ever get it. I need to plan my life – Plan B.