Plan B starts now!

The thing with Matt ended up being a very short fling. Not because I didn’t want to invest any time, but because I ended up at the same exact spot like with P.
I wanted to see Matt again, so I asked him when we could meet up next. He got very quiet after we’ve seen each other last week, and he didn’t reply for a while. He then said that it’s gonna be hard to find time from now on. I found this hilarious, since he had given me so many possible dates when we first started talking about it. So I just gave up. Rethinking about the situation, he probably didn’t ‘feel’ the same thing as me. And that’s totally fine. It was good to somewhat help get over P.

I say somewhat. Because I have been thinking about P a little more again. I guess mostly because I have spent some time with people that know about the situation. My colleagues and other friends don’t even know about him, neither does my mom. So no questions. But I had 2 days of school and everyone asked about him, so of course my thoughts have surfaced. Two friends even gave me a present connected to him, they bought it when we were still dating. I know they meant well, but I told them I could not use it right now, since I still can’t seem to shake him off completely.
I did however finally realise that it’s not gonna work. There’s no need to invest any more feelings and time into him. Because if I’ve learned one thing over the last few failed (attempts of) relationships, it’s that if the effort is one-sided, there’s no need to continue. It doesn’t matter how much it feels right to me, how much I know we would work out quite well, if he doesn’t feel the need to be interested in my life, there’s no point. No matter how much I feel felt towards him. No matter how right it felt to me, it is NOT the ‘right thing’ if it’s just you in it.
Yes, it hurts. A shit tone at that. But I need to remember this. Since I returned from my holidays I heard from him twice. Twice in 3 weeks, whilst we used to text every. single. day. And that’s how things roll since I have stopped putting in any effort. And that’s what I got, so I need to accept this.

I was able to push these thoughts away during work. I was exhausted in the evenings, so I didn’t really have time to think about him. But lately… I miss him again.
And I’m angry. And disappointed that even though he felt the same connection, he did not want to overcome his worries and just give us a try. Yes, I’m angry. I’m so mad at him, because I know we would have matched so well. I’m even mad that not even did he NOT give us a chance, but he denied seeing me again at all. He’s a coward. And that makes me sad. Sad that he would not give love a try, because there was nothing to lose, really.
I hope one day he realises what he’s lost. I wish I could say one day when it wouldn’t be too late. But I guess that already happened. You know… I could have hung on… but I needed some sort of interest. And him not even replying to normal questions anymore… well he’s gone.

A week or so ago, I realised that I have given up, when I started changing my plan of life. I know that when I met P, I thought I might spend New Year’s Eve with him, since I could get to his place by 12am (I’m working a late shift that day). I didn’t make plans in hope that he would come back and make plans.
It got as far as me not wanting to apply for a job, because it would mean moving even further away from him –  my thoughts being “what if we decides to come back and we start dating by then again?!”
But I have given up. Truly so. I will apply for that job as soon as I can (March 2018). I will move to that city, away from everyone. I will do what feels right for me right now – without anyone in mind but me. And even though I always said I could never live alone, I have now realised that I cannot depend on ever finding someone and – I actually can live by myself – it’s just a mindset I needed to change. I need to live my life – my way. And that’s what I’m doing now. I plan it without anyone in it, because you’ll never know if what you wish for will happen. I always wanted family by now, but that didn’t happen either. I can’t force myself to think I will ever get it. I need to plan my life – Plan B.


date with exboyfriend

I knew it. I just had a feeling.

So my exboyfriend – Matt – came over to my place today. Just some backstory of “us”:
Matt and I dated in March 2005 (when I was 14) and I had my very first kiss with him. He stayed the weekend back then and we were “together”. We had been together for a month or so a year back, but never had seen each other (you know, that was a thing haha, internet dating and such). After that weekend we spent together, he texted me saying that he was going to stay single, since he wasn’t over his exgirlfriend quite yet. Well, they ended up back together shortly after. They had broken up just before we first met up and I was heartbroken of course. It took quite a while to get over him.
We have been in contact over the years. In the beginning mostly when he was single and needed a distraction. When we grew up we had contact whenever. Some years a little more than others, but mostly for birthdays. The last time I’ve seen him (as a friend) was in September 2011. Because of jealous girlfriends, our schedules and I guess missing interest, we never met up again.

He texted me for my birthday this year as usual and we started talking. We always do, and the conversation subsides after a few days. He however more or less invited himself over to my place this time, so he could see my mom and me again. We set a day (actually first it would have been in a week, but my boss put me on work duty, so we changed the date to today). I wasn’t sure if we would go through with it, because I never heard back from him until last night. He asked what time he should come over. So that seemed set.

He texted me this afternoon what the name of my mom was *lol* I told him and waited. He then texted me around 2pm that he was outside and was afraid to come in, so he would have a cigarette and then come in. I went outside, so he wouldn’t have to face me and my mom all at once. He smirked when he saw me, and then came over to me with a HUGE flower. We hugged hello and he said it was my birthday present. We talked and teased like we used to all along.
We then went inside, had some coffee and just talked with my mom for 2 hours. About pretty much everything. We hadn’t truly updated on each other’s life, so 6 years is a lot of time to catch up on.

After about 2 hours I got that urge to be alone with him. I just wanted to cuddle up with him, not even talk but be with him. I don’t know why I felt thatway, but I did. I didn’t act on it however. I didn’t know how he felt. I just know he recently broke up with his girlfriend (our mutual friend told me) and that he pretty much hates his exgirlfriend now – that’s what he told me himself. So I just left it be.

At around 4.30pm he said he would head home soon. So I walked him to his car, where he smoked another cigarette and he asked me when we would see each other next. I told him I was free whenever, and he told me to come over to his place next time (since it’s always him coming to me, and we are about an 1-hour drive apart). We hugged goodbye for quite a while. I really had that urge to kiss him, but I knew it wouldn’t be a good thing to do. For himself because of his breakup, but also for myself since the situation with P is not really solved at all.


I have this urge to see him again. I miss him. I want to cuddle him. And I’m not sure why I have these feelings. Whether they are old feelings resurfacing or if it’s just the ‘homely’ feeling, because we’ve known each other half our lives (15 years to be precise). Or even the frustration of not getting what I wanted from P?!
When he asked me what he should do tonight, I even said he was welcome to come over again. He just laughed. It’s weird really. I hope to see him again soon, so to find out what this is exactly. Whether my mind is just fucked up, or it may be something.

We’ll see what this mess of emotions and my mind is going to lead to.