It’s getting really hard to deal with my emotions right now. I know that I am single and am “allowed” to date however many guys I want to. But that’s just not me. I’ve never got myself in the situation of dating two guys at once, or I would feel very very bad. I don’t want to make the choice between dating one, and hurting the other. That’s my problem right now. I’m not actually dating two guys at once, but it still feels like it and possibly could turn out to happen.
Kenny has been asking me for relationship advice for a few days now, and it makes me cringe. I told him this morning, that I am not in the right position to give him advice – given our current and past situation. I feel like I want him to be single, so I can’t really be neutral like I should be. So I’m telling him to break up for that reason. But I am also very well aware, that this is not my choice to make. I told him what I would want, if I were his girlfriend. And he has told me several times by now, that he will break up with her eventually, because it’s not fair to her to stay in a relationship he is not happy in. He really doesn’t want this anymore – I can feel it. He just can’t overcome his fear of hurting her (his words). Which I understand so much more than I should.
I feel very honoured that he is talking to me about this, and it makes me feel like it’s getting us even closer than we already are. And I’m not sure I want this to happen right now.
Just looking at that situation, it would be awesome, right? I always wanted to get a chance from him – for us. But given that I am going on a date with Yavin on Wednesday just makes me feel like cheating each one. I know that I don’t have to feel this way, but I do. I don’t want Kenny to actually break up with his girlfriend right now, so there’s no decision for me to make. You know? Like, I don’t want to make that decision, and if he stays in the relationship, I don’t have to. I’ll just have to go ahead and date Yavin. But I also know that he’s not breaking up with her because of me, and he deserves to be happy and therefore break up with her. And I do want to be there for him, I’m just not sure how good this will work out.
Then there’s that little hope that the date with Yavin won’t turn out to be what I expect. It’s not like I think that way, or really hope for it. Because I really like that guy. He makes me laugh. And he’s so much like me. We don’t have a past to overcome, it would be all new and exciting. There hasn’t been a thing about him I disliked so far
(maybe apart from the lack of conversation from his side). I love talking to him, and I will definitely love to spend time with him in reality. It just would take that decision away from me , too. But really, I hope it’ll click.
Kenny or Yavin?
Maybe I’m just reading too much into either situation. Or I might end up not getting either one of them. There’s a possibility. But right now it just makes me feel very bad, talking to 2 guys at once. Especially after saying all these lovely things to Kenny one day, and then setting a date with Yavin the next.
I can’t really explain, it just freaks me out. And I have been dealing with terrible anxiety ever since (especially when I realised how dependent Kenny is on me on that whole relationship situation).
And right now I’m also trying to just ease my mind, saying I will decide after I’ve first seen Yavin. But making my decision dependent on one single date is just ridiculous. And I don’t think it will be like “oh yeah, now I will or won’t date Yavin”, you know? I’ll just have to wait and see how things turn out, I guess.