2 guys at once

It’s getting really hard to deal with my emotions right now. I know that I am single and am “allowed” to date however many guys I want to. But that’s just not me. I’ve never got myself in the situation of dating two guys at once, or I would feel very very bad. I don’t want to make the choice between dating one, and hurting the other. That’s my problem right now. I’m not actually dating two guys at once,  but it still feels like it and possibly could turn out to happen.

Kenny has been asking me for relationship advice for a few days now, and it makes me cringe. I told him this morning, that I am not in the right position to give him advice – given our current and past situation. I feel like I want him to be single, so I can’t really be neutral like I should be. So I’m telling him to break up for that reason. But I am also very well aware, that this is not my choice to make. I told him what I would want, if I were his girlfriend. And he has told me several times by now, that he will break up with her eventually, because it’s not fair to her to stay in a relationship he is not happy in. He really doesn’t want this anymore – I can feel it. He just can’t overcome his fear of hurting her (his words). Which I understand so much more than I should.
I feel very honoured that he is talking to me about this, and it makes me feel like it’s getting us even closer than we already are. And I’m not sure I want this to happen right now.

Just looking at that situation, it would be awesome, right? I always wanted to get a chance from him – for us. But given that I am going on a date with Yavin on Wednesday just makes me feel like cheating each one. I know that I don’t have to feel this way, but I do. I don’t want Kenny to actually break up with his girlfriend right now, so there’s no decision for me to make. You know? Like, I don’t want to make that decision, and if he stays in the relationship, I don’t have to. I’ll just have to go ahead and date Yavin. But I also know that he’s not breaking up with her because of me, and he deserves to be happy and therefore break up with her. And I do want to be there for him, I’m just not sure how good this will work out.

Then there’s that little hope that the date with Yavin won’t turn out to be what I expect. It’s not like I think that way, or really hope for it. Because I really like that guy. He makes me laugh. And he’s so much like me. We don’t have a past to overcome, it would be all new and exciting. There hasn’t been a thing about him I disliked so far (maybe apart from the lack of conversation from his side). I love talking to him, and I will definitely love to spend time with him in reality. It just would take that decision away from me, too. But really, I hope it’ll click.

Kenny or Yavin?
Maybe I’m just reading too much into either situation. Or I might end up not getting either one of them. There’s a possibility. But right now it just makes me feel very bad, talking to 2 guys at once. Especially after saying all these lovely things to Kenny one day, and then setting a date with Yavin the next.
I can’t really explain, it just freaks me out. And I have been dealing with terrible anxiety ever since (especially when I realised how dependent Kenny is on me on that whole relationship situation).
And right now I’m also trying to just ease my mind, saying I will decide after I’ve first seen Yavin. But making my decision dependent on one single date is just ridiculous. And I don’t think it will be like “oh yeah, now I will or won’t date Yavin”, you know? I’ll just have to wait and see how things turn out, I guess.


true talk with Kenny | part 1.

Two major things have happened over the last 24 hours. Two completely different things that I have to tell you nonetheless, so I will split them up in two posts.

First things first:
I did want to tell Kenny about my feelings for a while now. Not my “I love you” kind of feelings, but just how I feel about us overall. About the situation we have been in for years since we last kissed. About his behaviour and so on.

Last night I decided to text him on snapchat (so he couldn’t reread the message):

Late night confessions:
I usually don’t want to bitch at you or anything the like, but I’m frustrated. Mainly with myself, but also with the current situation. I don’t know what this is about, but I always find myself slipping back into the same situation with you. I don’t want to cut off the contact, but I also feel like I can’t deal with being in contact with you that way. I don’t know what it is about you, that always leads me back into that situation. I miss you, when I shouldn’t. I want to spend time with you, when I “shouldn’t”. And although my mind knows what the facts point towards, I somehow just don’t understand nonetheless. I don’t know why. It’s not like you’re trying to get my hopes up, but you also don’t really show your true intentions. Or I’m just putting way too much into it, or am hoping for something, because I feel like there is something about us, ever since we first saw each other. Or is it normal to kiss each time, although you have a girlfriend? I don’t think so. I don’t know. And still, I know this is never going to work out. Back and forth, it’s making me go insane. My thoughts are making me go crazy!
This is all probably going to be very surprising to you, but I just needed to tell you – about my thoughts for over a year. I can’t expect you to know or notice, it didn’t work last year, it won’t work this year either. And no, I really don’t need an answer from you to that ramble, but I want you to understand how I feel.

I’m not sure where these feelings came from, but I just started to text and that’s what I sent in the end. He read it this morning and didn’t reply for the longest time. I knew that he either would react in a good way – or not at all. So I figured it would be the latter.

At 11am I received a message:

“Thanks for your message. Listen. I don’t want what happened last year. I don’t want to play or anything the like. I’m too old for those games, and we both don’t need this.”

Which really, didn’t help at all. How was he feeling? Was he thinking the same things? No idea. I said once more that I didn’t feel like he was playing games, when I read back on our messages from last year. It took him a while until he told me that he was having problems. I asked what about and he told me that his feelings towards his girlfriend had subsided and he wasn’t sure what to do about all of this.

This was news to me. We never actually talked about his girlfriend. She was always there, between the lines, but not actual talk.
I mean, the first thing I said to my friend was “well, I could’ve told him so last year already.” But we all know that people have to figure things out themselves. I wasn’t really sure what to tell him, it wasn’t my place to give relationship advice and that’s where we stand right now. I told him to do what he felt like, and that I understood how hard it was to break up, when you’re so used to a person.

He told me later on that he did know he wasn’t being fair to his girlfriend and he really should break up. I left it at that. I am not going to tell him to do so, or anything the like. It’s his decision and I am not going to force him into anything that is not his very own decision. But him telling me this – it was very surprising to me. And confusing.

It’s not like this was a “yeah, now we can date and get together. Finally get that chance in the end”,.. actually. Although this was what I had been longing to hear for the longest time, I was scared. Scared because a barrier I wasn’t willing to break, would soon be demolished.

Was this really what I wanted all along?

But things were about to get complicated.

quick update on the boys

Two things happened yesterday after I wrote up that post:

  • Kenny did message me around midday, saying that he fell asleep the night before (which I actually don’t believe, because I did see that he was online at one point). We chatted back and forth, no asking of him if I would join the party… but then I didn’t really expect him to.
  • I texted Yavin in the afternoon, I just couldn’t bare the thought that he would slip through my fingers, when I had that urge to talk to him.

So long story short (it’s actually not long at all): I texted him saying:

Are you still alive or do I have to take it personally?

He replied pretty quickly that he was back to the living. So I said that I had to take it personally then and he said that I didn’t. I told myself to not get into that “self-pity” stage again, in which I hope for people to realise that they’ve hurt me without actually telling them… so this time, I simply told him. Our conversation went something like:
Him: How can I make up for it again?
Me: Well you could text me first for example.
Him: Sorry, I was ill until Thursday and had a lot of catching up to do.
Me: Well, shit happens I guess.
Him: So we’re not gonna talk to each other anymore then?
Me: I told you once before, that I am not gonna force you to write with me.
Him: That’s your own fault then. Sometimes I gotta be forced to see my luck.
Me: That’s not me though, I like when people actually want to talk to me and not be annoyed whenever I text.
Him: I’m happy whenever you do text me!

Lots of blahblah.. so in the end I told him that he should understand what this looked like. Me telling him that I liked him and then no more texts whatsoever. That everybody would ask themselves what they did wrong. To which he said that he totally understood and he was sorry.. and he would text me and we still had to grab a drink.

He said good night with the words that he will text me. Nothing till now, but we’ll see. I’m just glad I got it off my chest. Why ignore people and let them figure things out themselves, that they probably don’t even notice? Just tell these people what you feel like. It’s usually not that bad, right? I’m glad I did write. If he now decides to not text me again, so be it. I did all I could. I told him how I felt, I didn’t throw a tatrum. I let him have some time off. All is well.

But I’m not gonna ignore my gut that tells me he could be a perfect match again. Sometimes you gotta step over your pride and do something you probably wouldn’t do in another situation.

emotions I do not want

I have been reading through all my old posts and screenshots of conversations with Kenny in these last few days. My friends noticed that I am very interested in seeing Kenny again. And I have been missing him like crazy, since he’s been abroad for the week.

Stupid ideas have popped back into my head again. He asked me to come to the airport to pick him up yesterday and I actually thought about going. I didn’t, but I thought about it. I also thought about going to a party he is on today. But I didn’t. Because my head knows how stupid that is.

Rereading those posts, made me realise how much I am in the same place I was pretty much a year ago. And last night I realised that nothing has really changed at all. Remember those times he wouldn’t text me once the weekend was around – because his girlfriend was there? Yeah, haven’t heard from him since last night when he returned home, although we have been chatting all day long these last 5 days.

I need to really – and I mean really – get him out of my head. This is never going to turn out well. He’s not gonna leave his girlfriend. He told me so many times last year, that he just wanted to have fun (although he also said that he never wanted to get into my pants either). That he was not interested in dating. So why does my head get all messed up each time I talk to him again? Why does my heart long for him, although my head knows pretty well that this is not what I want or even can have. So in the end, I might not go to that party in a few weeks to see him again, because I know how much it’ll mess up my head again – although I really really want to see him. Why do I always fall back into this stupid crush when we talk? Why is he the only one, that gets into my head each time? How can he wrap me around his fingers with as little as a few days talk? And why does he keep telling me how much he misses me, and wants me hin his life, and wants fun – but in the same breath he tells me he doesn’t just want fun? What does he want?

I just don’t understand.

that day you see your ex again.

You know that feeling when you feel like you’ve finally moved on? You started to feel more secure and/or happy.

And then -BAM – there’s that one incident, that sets you all the way back?!
Well, welcome to my life. After over a year of not seeing Stan, not talking to him – hell not even replying to his kind of cute e-mail

He has been on my mind a lot lately. For the main reason that it has been pretty much a year since he left me. I was at school today. Same old. Nothing special. Told my schoolmates that I had to rush to the trainstation to catch my train. I never rush. Or leave by myself. Well, a friend came with me, but you know. We walked there (which we also usually take the bus) and I bumped into Stan. My thoughts are kinda blurry, my first thought probably was “oh. my. god.” Well, no actually, I didn’t even realise until he looked me in the eyes. My second one – I’m not even joking – was, that I was laughing and at least seemed happier than I am happy. And thirdly, my heart dropped to my feet.

I’m not sure what to think of any of this, but it has stirred something in me and I know for a fact that it will bother me again for a few weeks. Why now? I somewhat do not think I am over him yet. I still do compare most of my possible dates to his behaviour (well mainly just what I do not want to have again- so not in a positiv way).
Of course I told my friend once he was out of earshot. The first thing she said was “that tall one? He is not that bad looking though!” Well yeah girl, never said so! Still doesn’t make his personality any bloomier!

I’m not sure why it bothers me that much. I’m not in a position when I would ever get back with him, so why did it hurt me so much to see him? Why has everything bubbled up now, and I can’t stop thinking about the time I had with him? It makes me kind of angry.

I had just hoped, I would never see his face again.

Oh guys, you drive me insane!

Well… that was a failure. I shouldn’t have even mentioned Mike on this blog.

Remember how I thought he was very nice and forthcoming? Well, I was wrong. He asked me on a date again last Thursday night. I didn’t answer till late on Friday, because.. why should I? He never bothered to text me during the day. Anyway. So I told him that I already said I wasn’t interested in dating yet, and he should stop asking. He was blabbering something along the lines of not liking to text and blahblah. And that I should take a step towards him as well.
I explained once more where I was coming from (that he was giving me mixed signals and I really didn’t intend on seeing anyone I didn’t know the intentions of and that he really made it hard for me to decide whether or not to like him, but that I didn’t plan on texting with him forever, but he was making it hard only replying very rarely.). He then decided to not answer me again, although he was online. I turned my phone off and went to sleep, pretty mad.

I woke up at 4am that night still feeling angry towards him. I got myself busy for about 30minutes before I decided to text him, because my anger would not blow over: “See, that’s exactly my problem. Saying one thing, doing the other – just like my ex. I’m fucking done with this game, let’s just end things here.”

I got a response in the morning – surprise. He said that he was surprised about the things I said to him and that he would text me later after work. I didn’t reply.

He texted me again in the evening, saying he was in a rush and would text later that evening. I replied saying “didn’t really expect an answer at all, so no rush.”

Guess what?

Never heard of him again. Have deleted his number since the night he asked me out, so no chance to text him from my side.

So there’s that. Then I also deleted Kenny’s number for similar reasons. You guys know the story of him and I. I sent him a picture I made and we were arguing again right away. At some point he said that I was really complicated. I replied saying “well, just your luck you’re not dating me, so it shouldn’t bother you”, deleting his number and chat afterwards. He texted me this morning saying, I somewhen had told him, he wasn’t allowed to date me anyway (I can’t recall, but who knows?). I said he wasn’t because I’m not interested in cheating. So he asked me if “dating = cheating” and I said that as soon as someone else is involved, yes. No reply yet, don’t care – deleting his chat. I deleted his number, because he never texts first and I don’t want to have the opportunity to tag this non-exsistant-friendship along like that.

To end this post on a positive note: There’s a reaaally cute guy at school I have been staring at ever since I first laid my eyes on him (so about a year ago). There’s always just been that – chemistry by looking at each other. But he seemed like the cool guy and I am way too shy to talk to someone like that. Well, today I was early for school and he came out of his room. I looked at him and didn’t think much more of it. As I was the first one and have no key, I did not get into our class room and was waiting outside. When the teacher showed up, he came over and asked if he could use our microwave. We talked a bit and I was over the moon. I actually had to force myself to not stare at him the whole time, as his friend was there as well.

I later then asked my gay schoolfriend whether he thought cute guy was gay as well. They just have a code, so I thought I’d rather ask first. Well, he thinks he is not. I did find out his name by stalking my colleague’s facebook, who is in the same class as him. (Surprise, another D!) Dean. I messaged him on facebook later on, whether he’d enjoyed his lunch, but as facebook is a huge pain in the ass, he probably will never see this. I don’t even know if he has a girlfriend or would be interested in the slightest, so yeah. Whatever.

But it totally made my day, so that’s cool.

friends’ story.

This post is going to be a freakin‘ long ranting post about my friend and realising what is going on in my life. When I first typed this post out in my head (as I always do), I just needed to vent about my friend. But then I realised something else.

But let’s not start at the end of the story:
I have a friend from school, J. I have been good friends with her for almost 2 years now and she is dear to me. However… the last few months when we didn’t see each other daily at school (but still like weekly or monthly at training), she didn’t give a shit about me. I did not get one text message and I talked to her one time in 6 months, because any other time, she was busy with her other friends. As school restarted this week, I noticed that something was bothering her and I asked her. That’s how I got her story:

J has had a boyfriend for the last 3 years. Ever since I’ve known her, she always told me how much she loved him and she wanted to have kids with him and whatever. They were very happy and I saw it and envied it. She also lives with the best friend of her boyfriend, who is also her own best friend. I know all three of them, as I spent quite some time at her place last year.
I always thought it to be awkward that she lived with his best friend, but then I would live with Mr. Cucu in an instant. I accept people the way they are and let them live their way. And her boyfriend was okay with it, so who am I to judge?
Then J went on with her story: 
2 months ago she went on holidays with her flatmate and they had a thing going on. They first thought it was a one-time-thing, because of their drunken selves,.. but kept having a lot of sex back at home. So basically, she has been in an affair with her boyfriends’ best friend for almost 2 months and her boyfriend doesn’t know any of it. Unfortunately she now has fallen in love with her flatmate.

As you might know, I am not too keen on cheating after what happened with Stan last year. I told her that first of all she owed her boyfriend a clean break. She should at least be honourable enough to let him go, no matter if it is “just” a short-lived crush on her flatmate or not. It is unfair to her boyfriend to keep him hanging without knowing what is going on.
She didn’t want to, because she didn’t want to hurt him and she thought that maybe she might forget about her flatmate – or everything actually – again. Deep down she knew, that she was lying to herself, so I let her figure that out herself. She kept going back and forth between flatmate and her boyfriend, and I just told her that she needs to make a decision, especially for the sake of her boyfriend. He needs to know, why she’s behaving so weird. She told me then, that she will never tell him that she fucked his best friend, and they don’t intend on letting him know – ever. I don’t really agree on the dishonesty, but it’s their choice to live with that lie. It’s not my place to judge. Again.

Anyway, so we talked for about an hour after school ended, as I didn’t know any of that story and I let her in on what I thought about all of this. I missed 3 of my trains back home (she lives a 10min walk away from school, whilst it takes me 45min with public transport). At the end I told her to let me know, if she needed  a break and wanted to get away from her flatmate for some time and stay at mine. She took me up on that offer and came over an hour later (well I picked her up, but whatever).

Now here’s the thing: I know that I can be an awesome friend. I listen to people for hours, I am very empathic and do understand most people even if I don’t agree – I always accept their opinions. I have a lot of patience and listen to them ramble on and on and on for hours, even if it’s the same story over and over again. I stayed up till 1.30am to let her cry it all out, to get her mind off things and just be there for her. I let her sleep in my bed, although I cannot sleep when someone is in my room at all. I bought food for her and cooked it for her. I did everything possible, to make her feel better (although in all honesty, in my opinion she does not deserve to, but then it is not my place to judge her actions). I do accept every person, and everyone can do whatever he/she likes to do, even if I don’t agree with it. I am not here to judge (unless I am involved myself).
But she was just rude. I did not get a thank you, until she was back at home and felt the need to send a message to thank me, just to ramble on about her flatmate. She took my blanket and didn’t even offer me half of it, she used more than half of my bed, when she clearly had more than enough space. I cooked for her, and it wasn’t even appreciated. No thank you, or even washing the dishes. She let everything on the table for me to clean up, once she was gone. I helped her write a letter to her boyfriend and listened to her rambling on and on. Always offering the same piece of advice over and over again, but also being very understanding of her current situation (because for fuck’s sake, for some reason I do understand what she’s going through). She was texting on her phone in the middle of the night, so I woke up because of the light. She was actually on her phone, most of the time, despite me sitting next to her. Just things like that.

So what has all of this to do with my life?
It made me realise how many bullshit friends I actually have. I tried to think about who I would go to, if I’d be in her situation. Is there anyone in my life, who would offer me a place to stay? An open and understanding ear to listen? A shoulder to cry on?
And I cannot name you one. Yes, I do have friends, but none if them care that deeply for me. And it makes me angry how I always do everything for people like J, when I don’t get anything in return. She didn’t give a fuck about me, when Stan cheated on me and I was bawling my eyes out for months and was just fuckin’ lonely all the freakin’ time. Nobody cared. Or even noticed in the first place.
And this made me realise how freakin’ lonely I actually am. I do not wish for a boyfriend at every price. But I would love to have a significant other, because I know I would join his group of friends.  I would have someone to rely on, someone who would be here in situations like these… But what for? To end up just as lonely again once it is over?

I don’t freakin’ know where my life has taken me, but it’s a pretty darn dark place. And I have become very socially anxious, which sucks big time. I don’t like going out at all anymore, not even with friends. I just wished for J to disappear all night yesterday, because I wanted to be alone. How sad is this life of mine? But still, I am somewhat pleased with it, I don’t feel sad. Most of the time.
It just makes me angry to know, that of all the people in my life, it’s only my mother I can truly depend on. And that makes me sad, because she won’t be here forever.

All of this has left me feeling sucked out. Empty. And nauseous. And I’m just done with today.