Disclaimer: this is going to go down a pretty bad path, so if you’re having suicidal thoughts or are very depressed, you may not want to read this for there may be triggers. To make this post very short for you: Kenny and I are no longer and I’m trying to get away from him for good.
So. After what Kenny sent me on Wednesday, my day got horrible. If it weren’t for 2 of my friends and how much I love my work, I probably wouldn’t be here anymore. It wasn’t exactly because of what Kenny had done or said, but because he made me realise how many shitty friends I have and how lonely I truly feel. I reached out to quite a few friends that day, but most of them talked me down, saying things like “there’s plenty of other fish in the sea”, get over him he’s not worth it – and whatever other shallow comments may come to your mind in such a situation. This is not what one wants to hear when you’ve just gotten your heart broken. No matter how tiny it may seem.
I’ve had suicidal thoughts before. But that was when I was a teenager, and looking back to it, it probably was more so for attention. What I experienced on Wednesday was different. Very different. And it scared the shit out of me… I’m pretty trained at leading my thoughts away from going down a certain path. But Wednesday it didn’t work. My mind set up a pretty perfect plan of how I could take my own life, without anyone noticing early enough to save me. I’ve been working in a hospital for long enough to know which meds to take, to make it pretty sure. I had a plan in my mind, I had a night shift that day so I could take the pills home and do it the next day when no one’s home for long enough for them to work. No one would notice.
These thoughts were bad. Very bad. And there’s 2 persons on this planet I can talk about something like that. One of them is Kenny. Which just made the situation even worse. So I talked to the other one. And as I said, if it hadn’t been for work and good colleagues (I did not tell them anything about this, I was putting my smiley face on)… well I probably would have taken these pills and be no more. But I didn’t. I didn’t even take them home. Something changed at work. Not feeling worthless I guess.
So to say I was feeling shitty is understated. I know it may seem silly for something so tiny. But as I said, what Kenny did, triggered something huge in me. Not just that he dumped me, or that he was being an asshole. But how I was truly feeling and simply not allowing to surface: Loneliness.
Back to Kenny though. I asked him why he thought we never would work out. Didn’t get an answer. But then again, here’s nothing new. 2 years ago when we kissed, he became the biggest dumpshit, just to tell me a few months later that he needed to do this for me. That he was not truly feeling that way, but he needed me to get over him. I guess this is his plan again. I texted him on Thursday when I was feeling a lot better (despite having done shit on Wednesday aka slitting my arms open before work after being clean for 2 years).
I simply sent him a hello and he sent me a shamy-face back. I asked what this was about, he didn’t really answer. I asked him whether we’re going back to not talking. He didn’t reply. So I simply stated, that obviously we’re going on no contact again for a couple of months, but that he should know I still like him and I’ll see him whenever. He then sent a message back saying, I shouldn’t stress him since he’s at work.
This actually made me laugh. He has been texting me all day every day for the last 3 weeks, when he was at work. He’s reading my messages within 10 minutes after I sent them. And now he’s trying to tell me he’s busy with work? Well, you guess what? Fuck you. I know this game, and it makes me angry I’m playing along. For now I’ll get over him, he’s made me angry and that’s what he wants. And it’s what I need to get over him. But I want to get away from him for good. Although it hurts my heart to think of him not getting back into my life, like ever… (as for mentioned reason above, he is a good friend in bad situations, no matter what is between us, he knows what to do and say when I’m depressed), but maybe it just shouldn’t be.
But you know what makes me angry the most?
He doesn’t know whether we’d never work out. He’s a chicken. It’s not about him not having feelings, I’m pretty sure about this like I’ve said before. But he doesn’t have the courage to go down a path, there’s no certainty in. He’s always had girlfriends that know his bubbly side, but not his past (this is a guess, I’m not sure of this!). I do. I’ve known him in pretty damn bad times, I’ve known him when he was good. I’ve known him with heartache and in new relationships. I’ve had it all. I’m not sure if he can be himself with his girlfriends. I feel like he doesn’t, but again: that’s interpretation.
With me things would be honest. They would be emotional. He wouldn’t be able to hide. And he knows that. He knows I’m emotional and do want to talk about things. With me you can’t just get away, if I’m having a feeling. And I guess that’s what he’s afraid of: the truth. And it makes me sad and angry to know, that he could be himself with me, but is too scared to do so. Simply because it wouldn’t be easy. But it would be true.
So yes, it is Kenny’s loss. I think we would work out, if we both tried. It for sure wouldn’t be an easy path… but he doesn’t want to. And I’m accepting this. And I hope when he comes back to me in however long, I will go back to reading that post and realise how bad of a person he can be. I know in the end he just wants to not hurt me. He isn’t doing this on purpose (even my wise friend said so). Well he is doing it on purpose, but to save me from falling for him. Like for real. This is just a crush. But as my friend said, better stop it after one night, than letting me really fall for him and then him going away. He’s doing the less evil in this situation, and that’s what I give him credits for. He isn’t just thinking about himself, even if it may seem so for most people. He is not.
Still… This is it. And even though it kind of hurts, I know it is best for me. It isn’t best for him, because he does miss out on a good relationship for HIM. But he wouldn’t do the best for me. It’s me: giving without receiving. And as my friend said: it is time for someone to love me the way I give love. Entirely.
She’s said some very wise things to me: Don’t search fornany faults within you, M. I know being lonely for a while makes you do this, and seeing everyone in happy relationships makes you wonder what is wrong with YOU. But there’s nothing wrong with you. It’s them. You’re not doing anything wrong, but loving people. You’re not complicated. They just can’t live up to this and this is NOT your fault. You are a wonderful human being and anyone that will ever be with you, will be such a lucky man.
And this is what I’m doing. And I can’t remember when I didn’t have those thoughts when something didn’t work out. I always wonder what I’m doing wrong to not be able to have a relationship. Maybe it’s not me. But it’s hard to think like that. So maybe.. I just need to be alone and really learn to feel lonely. But it’s hard and I’m struggling already.