breakup

another talk with Kenny

I had a rough night last night. The last few days have gone by surprisingly well, without dwelling on Kenny too much. I was actually quite surprised about how good I was dealing with it, considering how low I had been on Thursday. But then last night happened. The good thing was, since I had night shifts before, I was able to sleep whenever I felt tired and there was no sleep cycle needed. Today I had to work an early shift and therefore get into bed at some reasonable time. I went to bed around 9pm, turned off my series… and then it started. Everything came back. Flash backs of how Kenny looked at me, how he stroked me and whatever. So I turned the series back on, knowing very well I would not get enough sleep,… but everything that was not connected to Kenny would be fine by me.

When I drove to work this morning a song came on the radio that describes the situation with Kenny and I perfectly. So I simply sent him the link to it without any comment and turned my phone off. I did not expect him to react, or at least not positively. Especially since he hasn’t replied to my question last Friday of why we would never have more than just physical attraction.

Well he asked me how I was after saying that the song described us very well and I said I was dealing somehow. He simply stated “and it’s my fault…” I wanted to deny it at first, but we both would have known that’d be a lie so I said the situation has just made me realise a lot of bad things in my life and that’s why I was struggling (which is true!). He once more said “yeah,  but because of me!”
so I said: “Kenny, if it doesn’t work for one, it’s always going to be shitty for the other one. That’s life!”
Him: Of course that’s true… but I honestly don’t believe it would be right for you to be with me.
Me: Why do you think that?
Him: You may know me for a long time… but not very well :-/
Me: You sure?
Him: Yep 🙂
Me: I can’t tell.. but if you think so.
Him: M, I honestly like you and I think you’re awesome! But we’re not meant for each other…
Me: I’ve understood that, but I just wonder why you’re so sure of this?

And that’s when he stopped replying again. He always stops when I ask him why. Why no feelings. Why no chance. Why whatever. He never replies. And I talked to a friend about this and I guess there are 2 main options:

  • One: he has feelings, but doesn’t want to confront himself with them. He’s scared to fail. Maybe scared that he wouldn’t be enough for me, once I know him. Maybe scared that I’ll leave him once and for all, if it doesn’t work out. Or he’s simply scared of these feelings as they are. Blunt.
  • Two: He literally has no feelings, but doesn’t want to give me away entirely. Like, this way he knows he can suck me back in and get what he wants every now and then. If he tells me he has no feelings, he knows it is done for me. Like.. entirely. No more kissing or anything else. Just. Done.

Even though you might think I’m stupid, I still believe in option 1. Simply because of the way he acts and words things. I can’t see him not having feelings. Why would he say the relationship wouldn’t work for ME, when he could tell me it doesn’t work for HIM?! If he wants to get rid of me, why not just tell me that he can’t be with me for reason 1, 2 and 3. You get me?!
He has some sort of feelings, I’ve felt it when we spent time together. And whilst it is true that I don’t know him the best, I’m sure I know a lot of what is going on in his mind when it comes to feelings (not with me involved, but other stuff).
I don’t know what his problem is, and I guess I’ll just have to let it be. Because it seems like I won’t ever get an answer to that. Which is sad, because it is the one thing that would let me being able to let go of him. But oh well… this conversation made me realise that I have let him go mostly already. I did not get that weird gut feeling I usually do when I get dumped. There were no tears. It was just getting in the facts to move on.

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feelings

Sometimes I hate these feelings. I was driving home from a night out with Mr. Cucu just now and listening to an old CD of mine. A song came on called “hello” (in German). It’s about how long that person hasn’t seen the other for so long and how weird it is to see them.. saying their goodbyes but him then asking her not to leave the room, but knowing she will go either way even though he doesn’t want that.
Could it be any more accurate to my situation with Kenny? I guess not. At first it was P’s song for me, because I didn’t want him to leave my life (metaphorically)… now… well it’s literally Kenny and I. Oh and by the way, when I was walking through the city today, a truck drove by with “Kenny” saying on it. This is just a nickname I gave him on here, so that was so weird. Everything is so weird. I might go crazy here.

I started remembering things whilst listening to that song:
I sometimes get a feeling when I’m saying my final goodbye to someone. It started back when I was leaving my hostfamily in 2009. I said goodbye to my hostfather, and I just knew it would be the last time ever. One could say, he’s at the other end of the world, so it’s pretty obvious that I won’t get to see him again. But I was dead set on going back to OZ once I finish my apprenticeship. That would have been in 2013 and I’m still here, not having visited him once ever since.
Then the thing with P happened. When I left his house back on September 10th, I just knew it would be the last time. Although there was no evidence as why I should think so, I knew. It’s why I wanted to go back there so badly that very same evening. Everything looked fine. We were dating, we were taking things somewhat slowly. There was no evidence of us falling out. But… it was the last time I’ve seen him, and right now it doesn’t seem like I will see him again.
And I had that feeling with Kenny last Friday as well. When he kissed me on my cheek, I knew it would be the last thing I’d get from him. No looking back. And probably not seeing him ever again. I mean this is my decision, obviously. But is it? We’ve seen each other almost every year at carnival. But I have a feeling this was the last time we met.

I hate this feeling. I really hate it, for it has been right all the time. I get that feeling with patients as well. When I’d tell a colleague, that I have a feeling he/she will die soon. And they do. Even if there is no evidence or symptoms of that patient being at any huge health risk. It happened twice this year already.

I don’t want it. It hurts to know. And I don’t even want to think about what it would be like to not have Kenny in my life anymore. But I guess I need to learn and accept the truth. It doesn’t look very good right now. Haven’t heard from him since he told me to fuck off because I was stressing him out.

I thought being busy all the time would help. I met 2 friends today, when I usually don’t see many friends in 2 weeks. And it was good. Really good to catch up and get my mind off things – at least a little. But now that I’m back home, the loneliness is even harder to bear.

Time. Much time. And little patience.

the end of Kenny (hopefully)

Disclaimer: this is going to go down a pretty bad path, so if you’re having suicidal thoughts or are very depressed, you may not want to read this for there may be triggers. To make this post very short for you: Kenny and I are no longer and I’m trying to get away from him for good.

 


So. After what Kenny sent me on Wednesday, my day got horrible. If it weren’t for 2 of my friends and how much I love my work, I probably wouldn’t be here anymore. It wasn’t exactly because of what Kenny had done or said, but because he made me realise how many shitty friends I have and how lonely I truly feel. I reached out to quite a few friends that day, but most of them talked me down, saying things like “there’s plenty of other fish in the sea”, get over him he’s not worth it – and whatever other shallow comments may come to your mind in such a situation. This is not what one wants to hear when you’ve just gotten your heart broken. No matter how tiny it may seem.

I’ve had suicidal thoughts before. But that was when I was a teenager, and looking back to it, it probably was more so for attention. What I experienced on Wednesday was different. Very different. And it scared the shit out of me… I’m pretty trained at leading my thoughts away from going down a certain path. But Wednesday it didn’t work. My mind set up a pretty perfect plan of how I could take my own life, without anyone noticing early enough to save me. I’ve been working in a hospital for long enough to know which meds to take, to make it pretty sure. I had a plan in my mind, I had a night shift that day so I could take the pills home and do it the next day when no one’s home for long enough for them to work. No one would notice.
These thoughts were bad. Very bad. And there’s 2 persons on this planet I can talk about something like that. One of them is Kenny. Which just made the situation even worse. So I talked to the other one. And as I said, if it hadn’t been for work and good colleagues (I did not tell them anything about this, I was putting my smiley face on)… well I probably would have taken these pills and be no more. But I didn’t. I didn’t even take them home. Something changed at work. Not feeling worthless I guess.

So to say I was feeling shitty is understated. I know it may seem silly for something so tiny. But as I said, what Kenny did, triggered something huge in me. Not just that he dumped me, or that he was being an asshole. But how I was truly feeling and simply not allowing to surface: Loneliness.

Back to Kenny though. I asked him why he thought we never would work out. Didn’t get an answer. But then again, here’s nothing new. 2 years ago when we kissed, he became the biggest dumpshit, just to tell me a few months later that he needed to do this for me. That he was not truly feeling that way, but he needed me to get over him. I guess this is his plan again. I texted him on Thursday when I was feeling a lot better (despite having done shit on Wednesday aka slitting my arms open before work after being clean for 2 years).
I simply sent him a hello and he sent me a shamy-face back. I asked what this was about, he didn’t really answer. I asked him whether we’re going back to not talking. He didn’t reply. So I simply stated, that obviously we’re going on no contact again for a couple of months, but that he should know I still like him and I’ll see him whenever. He then sent a message back saying, I shouldn’t stress him since he’s at work.
This actually made me laugh. He has been texting me all day every day for the last 3 weeks, when he was at work. He’s reading my messages within 10 minutes after I sent them. And now he’s trying to tell me he’s busy with work? Well, you guess what? Fuck you. I know this game, and it makes me angry I’m playing along. For now I’ll get over him, he’s made me angry and that’s what he wants. And it’s what I need to get over him. But I want to get away from him for good. Although it hurts my heart to think of him not getting back into my life, like ever… (as for mentioned reason above, he is a good friend in bad situations, no matter what is between us, he knows what to do and say when I’m depressed), but maybe it just shouldn’t be.

But you know what makes me angry the most?
He doesn’t know whether we’d never work out. He’s a chicken. It’s not about him not having feelings, I’m pretty sure about this like I’ve said before. But he doesn’t have the courage to go down a path, there’s no certainty in. He’s always had girlfriends that know his bubbly side, but not his past (this is a guess, I’m not sure of this!). I do. I’ve known him in pretty damn bad times, I’ve known him when he was good. I’ve known him with heartache and in new relationships. I’ve had it all. I’m not sure if he can be himself with his girlfriends. I feel like he doesn’t, but again: that’s interpretation.
With me things would be honest. They would be emotional. He wouldn’t be able to hide. And he knows that. He knows I’m emotional and do want to talk about things. With me you can’t just get away, if I’m having a feeling. And I guess that’s what he’s afraid of: the truth. And it makes me sad and angry to know, that he could be himself with me, but is too scared to do so. Simply because it wouldn’t be easy. But it would be true.

So yes, it is Kenny’s loss. I think we would work out, if we both tried. It for sure wouldn’t be an easy path… but he doesn’t want to. And I’m accepting this. And I hope when he comes back to me in however long, I will go back to reading that post and realise how bad of a person he can be. I know in the end he just wants to not hurt me. He isn’t doing this on purpose (even my wise friend said so). Well he is doing it on purpose, but to save me from falling for him. Like for real. This is just a crush. But as my friend said, better stop it after one night, than letting me really fall for him and then him going away. He’s doing the less evil in this situation, and that’s what I give him credits for. He isn’t just thinking about himself, even if it may seem so for most people. He is not.

Still… This is it. And even though it kind of hurts, I know it is best for me. It isn’t best for him, because he does miss out on a good relationship for HIM. But he wouldn’t do the best for me. It’s me: giving without receiving. And as my friend said: it is time for someone to love me the way I give love. Entirely.
She’s said some very wise things to me: Don’t search fornany faults within you, M. I know being lonely for a while makes you do this, and seeing everyone in happy relationships makes you wonder what is wrong with YOU. But there’s nothing wrong with you. It’s them. You’re not doing anything wrong, but loving people. You’re not complicated. They just can’t live up to this and this is NOT your fault. You are a wonderful human being and anyone that will ever be with you, will be such a lucky man.

And this is what I’m doing. And I can’t remember when I didn’t have those thoughts when something didn’t work out. I always wonder what I’m doing wrong to not be able to have a relationship. Maybe it’s not me. But it’s hard to think like that. So maybe.. I just need to be alone and really learn to feel lonely. But it’s hard and I’m struggling already.

sad and sorry

I’m finally at the stage of being able to cry. I was afraid of letting the feelings in, of it hurting too much to bear. But friends have started asking questions about Kenny. And I started thinking about our situation (not that I didn’t before, but truly think about it). And I have just now sent him a message to please tell me that it had been just fun for him, so I can let go and stop thinking about it. That I just needed to hear.
I’m scared to look at my phone now. I’m crying my eyes out since I sent it. Because I know the rejection will come. And even though I am 90% sure it wasn’t just fun for him and he does love me in a way, I’m also 90% sure he also won’t ever be able to give me what I need. And I know he’s in some way devastated as well, because he’s hurting me. Again. And he doesn’t want that. Not in the way people think at least. It’s hard to describe, but I just know that. He’s a good person, despite what he’s done to his girlfriend.

My feelings have been so ambivalent the last few days. My brain and heart are fighting and even each one doesn’t know what it wants. I don’t want to date a cheater, but our long history is making it hard to forget about him. Our past is always getting back and I do not want to lose him ever in my life. He has been the one constant in my life, that I am not ready to give up. We may lose contact every few months and not talk for a year. But he’s here. He always is. It’s good to know there’s someone out there loving me, even if it’s not enough for what we both may want deep inside ourselves.

I’m still not regretting what I’ve done. Despite what most people may think. I don’t regret sleeping with him, because it was right at that moment. It was selfish, yes, but it felt right. For me at least. I cannot talk for him, we have not talked about it and he said we were good when I asked this morning because he’s been so distant lately. But I’m not. I’m really not. And I know I’ve gotten myself into this. It’s my own fault.
The last few days I have read back on all the posts I wrote about him and I. How the situation was when we kissed 2 years ago and it’s so similar. And yet I am here once again, sitting in my bed, crying about something I knew would happen all along. Will I ever learn? I guess not. I told a friend yesterday, I’d go over in a heartbeat, although I know I end up hurt. Although I know I want more from him than he can give. I have been lying to myself way too long. Saying I was okay with just fwb. I’m not.

I’m not okay. But it’ll pass. We’ve gone through that several times before. We will another time. And maybe in a year, we’re at the same page again. I do not know. I may be stupid, but I have my heart on my sleeve and always will. And I know Kenny is very good at making me dependent on him. He knows which points to trigger, to get me. I know that. I know a lot of things that happened, and still I never protect my heart. And I guess I will never learn in this life time. Not with him. I may protect myself from all the other guys, so I’m not sure why I don’t with him.

Happy Valentine’s. I only just realise before I texted him. This day will forever be on my black list. Today a year ago I got together with Alan. I let myself fall for someone and gave him my everything and got nothing in return. Today I will get my heart broken again, so why not? Why not do it on such a day. Maybe Kenny is even with his girlfriend, what do I know? I’m just so done with the world right now. So done.
I was watching “13 reasons why” till 5am this morning. I planned on going for a run today. I’m having an appointment in an hour and will turn up red eyed. And she’ll know. She always does. But I can’t. I want to turn it all off. I don’t want to feel so much. I can’t. Why am I always getting myself into these situations? I really don’t know.

And yes, I know better times are ahead. Some day I will meet someone who is worth it. Who will give me back what I need. Who will be honest. Who wants me. Whatever. It is not now, and for now I’m going to be sad. Even though I did this to myself. But I have every right to feel that way and… I don’t even know. I’m going now.

I’m sorry. I’m truly sorry for everything I said and did.

And I did just get a reply: “M, I like you very much, honestly! And you’re awesome. But there’s never going to be more to it than what we have now…” How in the world.. why did I do this?

goodbye P!

I can’t stop thinking about a comment I got on here. I’m sure it wasn’t meant to hurt me, but it did just that. And now I can’t stop imagining that person to be partying, because (s)he seemed to be right. And yes, I am well aware that I’m starting to go crazy. So all is fine.

Well, long story short(ish):
It’s currently 5pm and I’m still at home. Which means I am definitely not meeting P for dinner tonight. I knew right away when I woke up this morning that it wouldn’t happen. Yet that tiny bit of hope insisted to stay. Until now.
It’s not like I was still believing in seeing him tonight. Knowing him for a little while, I knew he was one to make plans early on. So I knew this was off when he didn’t reply to my suggestion last week. I never told my mom about the plans, and now I’m glad I don’t have to explain to her why I’m home.

I can’t even say how I feel about it, if I’m being honest. I feel sad and disappointed. I’m struggling with my emotions right now, or rather the lack thereof. I’m disappointed. Not because he “dumped” me. That’d be fine. But because he didn’t even have the nerve to tell me off. He could not tell me to fuck off and get lost, but decided to just not text me anymore. Which is a huge déjà-vu to the breakup with Alan. I just don’t understand. Do these people actually think it’ll hurt the other any less, if they decide to just stop talking to that person? Sure it would hurt if he’d told me to give up. But that’s a clear cut and I can move on. But I’m still here, still hoping for what we’ve had in summer.

Don’t worry, anon. I understand now. I will move on from P. He’s not treating me how I deserve to be treated. And yet I can’t just shut that hope out. And I’m pathetic. For still hanging on after 4 months. After 4 months of mostly radio silence. Of no signs that things will get better again. Yet here I am, listening to my stupid ass heart, that doesn’t want to let go. But I’m just so done. I have at least understood that he’s not interested. Or he would have treated me differently. And yes it hurts. I had that fairytale in my head that didn’t become true.

And even after all that has happened, there’s still something left. And that upsets me even more. I know he’ll text me again eventually. But for now, I’ll be the one to hold radio silence – even though it’s his birthday tomorrow. I do want to tell him some things, but what am I hoping for? It won’t change anything. He would tell me about how he’s struggling and what not. He knows how bad his communication is, yet he does nothing to change it. So what am I still hoping for? A fairytale? I don’t know.

But it’s time to move on. And even though I know it will take forever… it is high time to do so.

I’m so done.

New Year, New Date.

So I’ve mentioned Mikey in another post before.

If I’m being honest I didn’t expect to hear back from him after his holidays over New Year. I knew he was away for 4 days and didn’t expect him to text me during his stay. But even here he surprised me and texted the very first day. We have been in contact ever since. It was much less whilst he was away, but we talked nonetheless. This is something so different to what I’m used to with P. Because the conversation was back to “normal” once he got back on Tuesday.

Now here’s the thing: As I said before, he has asked me for drinks in the beginning – way before we realised we were not looking for the same thing. I declined. Then he asked again over the holidays I think, not sure anymore. He asked again yesterday and I told him if Mr. Cucu won’t be ready I’d come over on Saturday. He then replied he won’t hold up his free time until Saturday, which is understandable. At first I was pissed, because it seemed like he really wanted to see me and then he wasn’t open to wait. But seriously, I wouldn’t do it either. So he asked for Sunday and I declined again, due to my final exam in just a month. And I really need to get my bum moving.

But.

I promised him I will take time once that is over. By then we’ll have talked for 2 months already (he messaged me December 14th) and we’ll know. I’m not sure whether he wants to see me and hopes I’ll change my mind about the friends with benefits thing or is actually interested in me. Because he seems to be. And I do really like this guy as well so far. So I’m excited to see him.
I could have met him this Sunday, but I really just wanted to see where things with P are heading. I don’t want to get myself even more messed up with two guys at once, you know? Not that I’d plan a date on Sunday and then actually would see P beforehand. That’d really mess with my head for sure.

If I’m not seeing P this Friday, I’m definitely moving on. May even start dating Mikey. What is there to lose?!
So stay tuned for some more f*cked-up-dating-disasters of mine 🙂

New Year’s Eve caught me off guard

New Year’s Eve wasn’t as bad as I had expected for some surprising turns though.
I was alone at midnight since my mother was already asleep when I came home. I did turn off the lights and phone shortly before midnight as well, but hearing the fireworks, I guess I was still awake then. But who cares really.

But now to the surprises: P texted me. Oh yeah, no actual surprise here. As I said, I had somewhat expected him to send me an unrelated picture for New Year. I wasn’t sure if it would be before midnight, but he did just that. I sent one back and then that was it. I don’t expect to see him on Friday, so there’s that. Moving on.

But then… Kenny texted me. Yes. Always-getting-back-into-my-life-Kenny. We haven’t been in actual contact since his break-up with his exgirlfriend. So that’s been a year. I haven’t seen him on carnival because I was with Alan at the time and didn’t want to get the chance to fall for him again – so I haven’t seen him in almost 2 years. For those of you, who can’t put a story to this name: he’s had girlfriends pretty much all his life, but has kissed me nonetheless whenever we met up. The last time was in February 2016 when he had a girlfriend but we had a huge making out session and I fell for him again. Everything got really messy back then and we stopped contact for quite a while. But that never lasts with us.
Well anyway. Ever since we’ve known each other, this has been an on-and-off-thing between the two of us. So I was surprised to get a message from him last night since I knew he has a girlfriend again. He’s always been in my life, no surprise there… but it always catches me off guard when he confesses his feelings towards me.

So he wished me a Happy New Year and I texted back. We started texting a lot (it was 11pm by then) and I asked whether he’s not out partying with his girlfriend. He said that he was indeed with his girlfriend, but she was already asleep. So we’re back to our old situation. We texted almost till midnight and he has also texted me again today.. so I don’t know. It’s just weird. Anyway.

So he all of a sudden said: “I liked you this year as well and I’ll keep on doing so“.
This really caught me off guard and I said that I like him as well, even though our relationship will always be complicated. So we quickly talked about how we’re always finding back together, even though we fall out on each other.. and it’s true. He’s probably my longest “friend” I have, and although it is complicated, I know when I need him, he’d be there. And it’s nice to know there’s someone out there that loves you in a very awkward way. We’ll probably never have a chance in this life time together, but that’s okay.

Plus he always tries to show me my worth whenever I get dumped again (we’re texting just now and he asked me for my new year’s resolution and I said I want to see my worth and not fight for someone that shows no interest. And he – truthfully – said: that’s not a resolution, this should be a basic). He’s cute. Even though he has done the same to me if we’re being honest,  but he always said that it was not his intention. Whatever, that’s past.

Hope you’ve had a pleasant New Year’s Eve and are happy how 2018 has started 🙂