Honestly. Sometimes I hate people. As I’ve told you guys many times before, I post on lyf several times a day. There are very nice people on there, helping you at any time of the day, which is perfect. Especially for my very low days when I feel depressed and think about self-harming.


There are also a lot of very close-minded people. Let me state an example:
I posted last night, that P had been drunk again. He texted me at 11pm saying that he was getting drunk. I didn’t know how to feel about it, so I wrote a post. He had said in the beginning of our “relationship” that he was not a big drinker himself (since I don’t drink), but he has been drunk 3 times (the ones I know of) since we last saw each other (5 weeks). It’s reasonable really, he was on parties and what not. He is now on a trip abroad, and it’s totally fine to drink. It’s not like I never drink, sometimes I get drunk myself without any reason. But it was making me feel weird nonetheless (or should I say worried?). On the other side he thought of me even in that state, which is saying something as well, right?!

So I posted exactly about this situation and that I was wondering, whether it might be a reason he does not want to date me no more (although he never said so! I was right back into the negative thoughts then – am better again now), because I’m not a very outgoing person. One girl commented on “maybe he lied to you and he is a drinker? You can always just have one or two beers to be happy and not wasted!” This really upset me for several reasons: Who is she to judge someone she doesn’t even know? I get it, she was lied to and doesn’t trust people. But so have I. I mean my mom has been lying to me for the last 16 years, I do have trust issues myself. I get it. But you can’t just reflect the behaviour of some people onto others, that have never gave you any reason to mistrust them!
If someone is as straight-forward as P has been so far, I do not believe he’s lying to me. He wouldn’t have said half the things he did, because he knew I didn’t want to hear them. Someone like that doesn’t lie about these things. And he didn’t even say he doesn’t drink! He just said he was not a big drinker. Maybe he’s having a period of time he drinks more. Even I do have these times. Of course it got me musing whether it was a reason why he didn’t like me (which obviously is wrong as well, since he stated he does like me indeed). But that’s just bullshit and I need to find back into the right mindset I got these last few days.

As for an update about the last few days. I have found my fighting-spirit. He may have not replied with a “let’s meet then and then”, and I knew he wouldn’t. He just replied with our “one year abstinence”-joke, as not to have to reply to my question. But I knew he would.
But as I said, I then realised, why just wait for him without doing things?! I need to let him know what he’s missing out on. Because I know we do match, he just doesn’t allow his feelings right now. So when I went out for dinner on Thursday and was feeling cute, I took a picture and sent it to him (I never did before, I’m not keen on taking selfies). To that I got a heart-eye-shaped emoji, which he doesn’t often use. I also dreamt of him that night (he was the topic of the evening, so I was intensively thinking about our situation). I told him about the dream: I saw him next to a swimming pool and ignored him, since I knew he didn’t want to see me. He just said that it’s my way to cope with what is “occupying” me on the day. He knows I think about it a lot. But he didn’t suggest a meeting. And I have a strong feeling I won’t see him before I leave for holidays in a week. Which is okay.

Yesterday was the first time we texted again like we used to. A lot of funny chattering, he kept the conversation up, when it came to a stall and so on. I then said “I need to tell you something”, which has been on my mind a lot, but I knew it was stupid to tell him. When I didn’t text straight away he was like “you hate me?”… you know, he is thinking about us and I think he’s scared I’ll walk away. Of course that’s once again just reading a lot into things that are not actually there… but there are little signs that tell me he does care about me. More than he wants to.
I then told him about how we could meet as friends, since I have a cold sore and therefore wasn’t allowed to kiss him anyway. He didn’t say much to it (apart from “euwww, I’ve never had a cold sore before!”). He also stated that’s what ‘you get from putting your tongue into everything’. I know he wasn’t trying to be mean,  but he always is pointing towards me kissing and sleeping with everyone, has been right from the beginning. I know there’s some jealousy speaking from within him, so I just said “well, I know by now that you’re not thinking very well of me!” He said that this was not true, to which I didn’t reply anymore. I was mad. I wanted him to know what it feels like to not be replied to when it’s important to solve things. But it’s just not me, so last night I told him to enjoy the weekend abroad.

Once more, he could’ve simply said “thanks” and the conversation would be over, like it had been so many times over the last few weeks. But he asked what I currently was doing. That’s how he told me that he was out drinking. I didn’t say anything about it, just stating that I was going away this weekend as well (since he obviously thinks I sit at home to mourn him).
If he needs to be treated like this, so he realises what he’s losing: so be it. I know that if we see each other, he has to open up again, and I think that is one main reason he doesn’t want to see me. He’s afraid of his feelings – or he knows about them, and is not ready to deal with them I guess. But I can let him know without seeing him. And as I’m sure my friends I’m going on holidays with, will take a LOT of pictures and putting them on facebook, he’ll see I can have fun without him as well. I’m not the lonely, sad girl sitting at home every weekend at all.

This is so not me. I am not one to make someone feel “bad” (it’s not actually bad, right?), to make them realise things. But it seems like it is working on him, since he has been much more talkative the last few days –  or our conversation from Tuesday has done that. I don’t know.
Like, after I sent that picture of myself and I got his response, I didn’t reply all day. Maybe my non-availabilty is making him understand. I do not know. It could also go very wrong, I am well aware of that. But we’ll see. As always.

Until next time…


lesson learnt!

I had a lesson to learn yesterday.
As I’ve mentioned several times before, I am posting on lyf on a regular. So when I was going downwards after receiving P’s latest messages, I asked for advice. What I did not consider, was that these people do not know me or my story. They all told me to move on, which of course sent me into the most depressed state. I cried all evening on Tuesday and Wednesday morning. I couldn’t even drive to my acupuncturist without crying, because everything just reminded me of him and that I would never get him back again. They actually got me as far as not to trust my gut feeling anymore. Not trust what we had. And just move on. I was hurt. Very hurt.

After an hour of lying there and having a lot of time to think about it, I started to realise that I really needed an answer as to why he thought we didn’t match. So I texted him once I was home.

Later on my school friend texted me about a dream and I started talking to her about what P had said. She’s known me for the last 3 years and we have a lot in common when it comes to our point of view on life and love. Although I do not share what she’s done to her ex-boyfriend (she cheated on him with his best friend), she can actually imagine my situation, as her now-boyfriend was very closed off as well at first. I was able to help her back then, because he’s a lot like me when it comes to letting people close.
She told me that he probably is just overthinking things and not actually saying we don’t match. He doesn’t want to hurt me, because he’s unsure about us and therefore doesn’t want me to end up hurt, because he can’t trust we would work out. Like there’s not a security that we end up together and therefore he tries to push me away, so I don’t get hurt (does that even make sense?). It all made sense and I got my hope back. I’ve never lost my gut feeling, even when I felt SO bad about the situation the last few days – but I did ignore it, for everyone told me to move on. And this is when I realised that strangers cannot help me with this. Yes, they may have showed me a different view, but they’ll never know what I want in life and what I am able to get through.
Also my friend pointed out that most people nowadays just don’t want to wait or fight for something, that may never come. They rather stop now, than get more hurt farther down the road. But she’s right. I can take the chance of getting even more hurt, but I also get the chance of ending up happy with him. Isn’t it worth it? Of course it is. Because I have that feeling about him, I will not simply give up. Even if it takes a year. As long as I have this feeling, I cannot and will not give up.

Now back to that message I sent him: “I’m sorry to bother you again and I promise I will not annoy you after that, but I can’t stop thinking about something. You obviously think that we do not match or we cannot end up together – or that’s what I’ve read into your message…  why are you feeling this way, if I may ask?
First of all I got a “you’re not annoying me at all, I like it when you text me. But gotta work at some point 😉 when did I say that we don’t match?

So. No I did not get any answer. I told him that he has not actually written it, but he did continuously say that he’s not sure if we could end up together. He didn’t say anything to that anymore. A few hours later I just said “so when are we meeting then? 😛 ”
He has not replied. I did not expect him to. I will wait. But he probably will just send a funny text and not reply to this. It’s his way of communication. And that’s fine. He’ll be ready when he is.

I know that for most people this may not be enough. He did not reply to my message, he did not deny it, but he also didn’t confirm my thoughts. It was his way to say that I need to stop interpreting things into what he’s written (like he’s done so many times before). And that’s exactly what I’m doing. I’m trying not to misread his lack of communication or what he did NOT write. For me this latest message said, that he does not think we don’t match. There may be another problem, but for now I’m not thinking about it. I’ll just take it day by day. Hoping we’ll meet again soon, so we can see how he and I feel about each other. Like my friend said: once we spend time together, he will remember how he feels. He was the one to always tell me how much he enjoyed our time. So I guess feelings are there, they just need to be lit up again. I don’t think they’ve just vanished over the last 5 weeks, but that he’s been busy with other thoughts and emotions.

We’ll see.


I’m not good. I’m really not.

I wish I could put anything that is going through my mind into words, but my mind is going at 140mph and it’s tiring. I just want to shut my emotions off. Shut my brain off. Concentrate on other things. But I need to talk about it and I know it.

I can’t recall what I wrote in my last post and I don’t want to reread for obvious reasons. Reading through the conversation has upset me so much last night. I woke up this morning, and looked like I’ve had an allergic reaction. My face is all puffy from all the crying.
The worst thing for me probably is, that I was so sure of this. Of us. And realising that he didn’t feel like that at all has hurt me the most. I wish he would understand. But I guess I just overwhelmed him with my feelings and I never wanted to do so. I didn’t want to put any more pressure on him. But I also have realised that this situation probably isn’t about his father anymore. That something else wasn’t sitting right with him. But then that’s just what I read in between the lines. And I wanted to stop doing that and therefore stopped rereading that conversation over and over again.

There’s not much I can do apart from accepting what he’s said. I will try to not text him anymore on my part and leave him the space he obviously wants. What is making it so hard though, is that my gut feeling is still here. I woke up this morning, “knowing” he would text me today. But I don’t want to allow that feeling anymore, because it has proven to be wrong all along and I don’t want to get any more hopes up and get disappointed.
I still have that feeling, that he has not completely given up on us, but probably is irrationally thinking this through not allowing his emotions to play any part – or maybe his emotions have vanished over that month we didn’t see each other. Or maybe he can’t allow them because of his grief. I do not know. But there’s also a (brain) thought of mine, that there’s something else that makes him say those things. That maybe he didn’t think we would match before all of this even happened. I wish I could ask him, but I’m not sure whether he would tell me. To me it seems like he tried to let me down gently yesterday. But then again he was honest, he did tell me what was going on – even when he didn’t really know what exactly that was. I don’t know. I’m so torn between what I read, what I interpret and what I feel.

Maybe some distance will help. It definitely won’t help me, but maybe he needs to clear his mind. But then again, he’s done so for the last month. He went out and did things, without thinking of me… so does he really need distance? Probably not.
And I know people are telling me that it’s his loss and he will regret not giving it a go. But I can’t think like that. For me it feels like it is MY loss, simply because he actually felt like my one. I cannot explain this, but that feeling has never been as strong as it has been with him, and for it to be proven wrong is very very depressing. I’m not sure how to get over this, if I’m being honest. I was even thinking about going back to a psychologist, but that’s ridiculous. I can’t just go there because of a heartbreak. What can she do? Nobody can mend my heart apart from time.

I just need him to text me. It’s what would help me right now, but I know he won’t. I know he doesn’t want to deal with this or me right now. And I know I need to move on.

But I can’t.


This will be my last post about P (probably not).

When I recorded that voice message last night, I knew very well that I would not be able to handle a “no” from him. I knew what I wanted to hear. But there was a reason I was unsure about the whole situation, there have been flags all around. So I needed to ask. I needed to hear it.

He replied this morning and when I first read it, it sounded pretty good to me. But the more times I read it and the more I talked about it with friends, the more I realised that it actually was pretty clear that he was not interested anymore.
He’s always been honest. And he was plain out honest, which I appreciate. I just should ignore my gut feeling, which is still telling me to not give up. But my head has overtaken this position now and I have finally given up. For several reasons.

First of all good morning… so I listened to you voice message yesterday and I do understand your point very well. Unfortunately I don’t really know myself what is best for me currently. And my father’s passing is also still messing me up. The little time we did spend together, I perceived as very nice and I do not regret it at all! However I think, that it wasn’t the best idea to have sex this quickly.
Of course we can meet again at some point, go out for a drink or whatever you want. I just don’t know if I want a relationship right now, as I’ve said before. Not because of you, but because of my current situation 🙈 I have also deleted most of these stupid dating apps!
I really do like you and you are a nice woman. But if we would work out, I don’t really know ☺ (until now, no woman has put up with me 😄)…
I don’t think this answer will help you – but I’m not sure what to tell you.
Best of all you’d pick up a hot guy in Dubai 🤣

This was his message to my voice message. Some things were very cute, and for the first time ever he actually told me that he liked me. But his wording of “but if we would work out, I don’t really know”, it seemed more like a “no we wouldn’t” than otherwise.
I have no idea why he thinks like that, or what is letting him think we would not work out. Stupidly I didn’t ask, which I now always think about of course. He also mentioned how I should hit on someone else, there’s not much more to say about moving on from him, right?
The thing is, I don’t know if he just doesn’t want me to wait, or if he is not interested.

So that’s what I asked. I told him that I was not interested in seeing anyone else but him and that I understood that there was no guarantee we would end up together either way. I told him again that I would wait a year for him, if it’d help him.
He then replied that he doesn’t really know and he really doesn’t “want to waste my time or getting my hopes up, when in the end it doesn’t work out anyway”. Once more pointing in a direction of us not working out.

I explained to him that this felt right for me and therefore it was no waste of time in my opinion. I then more or less asked whether he did not see us working out at all, or was neutral or even positively towards it. He said he was neutral. Is that a good thing? Was he trying to be nice and not hurt me by not saying “I can’t see us”?
I let him know to tell me if his mind changes in any way and it would be okay for me to just see where things would lead us. He then was saying “but it must be okay for you as well… at least we haven’t seen each other in a while by now”. I’m not really sure why he said this. I know we haven’t seen each other in a while, but would that change my mind? More likely it changed his mind.

He then didn’t reply anymore when I said we should just see where things are leading us without any pressure. So I told him that I really need him to be honest and not meet up with me, if he’s not feeling like it. And he said he obviously would.

By then it was like 3 hours after that first text. I had been silently crying at school and really needed some reassurance (which I knew I would not get). So I asked if it may help him sort his feelings out if we saw each other or if he would feel even more pressured by this. Of course I had hoped for a “yes let’s do this”, but I knew I wouldn’t get that. Instead I got a “I will think about it”. Which is a no, right?

So I guess it’s quite obvious why I’ve given up. My heart and mind are fighting, I can literally feel my heart being torn in each direction, not wanting to give up… but also just knowing what I am reading. It is a lot of interpretation, but he’s always been straight forward. Obviously he is not ready for a relationship right now, and the way I read this, not ever with me. So why should I drag myself along in hopes to get my “dream man”, when he is not interested? He may like me, but he doesn’t like me like that.

Yes, it fucking hurts and I have tried to stay strong. Haven’t cried (until now) and probably will be ugly crying myself to sleep tonight. I don’t know what to do. I know I need to leave him be, and I will. I will back away, because that’s what he obviously wants. But it’s hard. Having relied so much on my gut feeling that was as strong as never before… it’s hard to be disappointed. It’s hard to be so sure about someone, when he doesn’t see a future in you. Yes it hurts. And yes, when I drove home after thinking about all of this all day, I realised that my depression has knocked on the door and I let it in. This will be a hard time and I am glad I can go back to work in a month, so I can get my mind off all of this. I really just sort my feelings and decide what to do from now on. I know I cannot simply let him go, but I must. I need to let him go, because he doesn’t want to. But I also know I can’t ignore my feelings I have developed already. And I will wait to see what he’s doing or saying over the next few days or weeks. There’s nothing else left to do, right?




voice message

Today I saw a picture of P tagged in it. It was of a party that took place last Saturday. I don’t know why, but it really upset me. It wasn’t like we had set any plans and he cancelled, he didn’t even ask me. He didn’t tell me either he was free. He actually did tell me he had been busy all weekend. But it upset me nonetheless.

I realised that I really need to talk to him about it. My feelings haven’t changed and it’s not like I don’t trust my gut feeling anymore. But I just need to hear it from him – some sort of reassurance he’s still feeling something (or well… he is not – either way). Since the texting has decreased immensely (every 2 days or so) and also has gotten a lot more shallow… I don’t know. I’m just scared he isn’t interested anymore. A lot of things speak for him slowly backing away, yet my gut feeling is telling me otherwise. Of course I am scared that he actually is not interested anymore. Or that I am pushing him away by being so damn clingy. But I just need to know how he’s feeling. What actually is going on. Despite my fear.
I am worried that he’ll leave. I am terrified. Now I at least still have him every other day. I can imagine being with him, that imagination is not destroyed yet. He still is my “dream boy”. If he tells me this is over, I will be devastated. A lot more than ever before. Simply because I had that feeling, that feeling that kept me going. And if this was wrong, I don’t know if I can ever trust my gut ever again. I am actually freaking terrified, which leaves me wondering whether I should actually talk to him about it. But whether he tells me tonight or any other day in the future… it will always hurt. Right?!

So. I have recorded a voice message for all of this. I don’t want any misunderstandings and that he can listen to my voice. Listen to my worries. Not just some plain text. A voice.

I told him that the situation is hard for me to judge whether his distance was because of me or the situation overall. That I do not want to pressure him and I do understand what he says and he gives me no reason to worry… but because of the lack of communication and my interpretation into things, my worries returned. For example when he got drunk the very next day after I asked him to meet, that I wondered whether he didn’t want to see me. And that I do not have any problems with not seeing him and waiting, but that I would love to see him and will be abroad in 2 weeks. That we could meet for just a couple of hours instead of a sleepover. But that I would wait for him, if he needed. But I didn’t know if he just didn’t want to see ME or whether it’d be too much right now, or he’s still too hurt because of the whole situation. But that I also don’t want to bother him too much by texting. Also saying again that I don’t need us to be in a relationship, I don’t want to be another burden to him, but that I just need some reassurance,  because I worry that he’s not interested anymore.
I made clear that I don’t expect the situation to change, but to let him know how I feel about the situation. That I would stop texting if he needed the distance. But that I needed some “direction” in all of this.

I think I will send it tonight, but yes, I am terrified of the answer – if one will come.


break-up? | part 2.

So I really wanted to take it back, but I couldn’t. I didn’t get an answer, so I went to bed (or at least I tried to sleep).
The next morning he asked me why I was worrying of pushing him away and I explained to him that I was used to people leaving whenever something wasn’t easy, but I didn’t expect him to be like that…

Then I got a message whilst being on my way to school:

I’m not planning on going anywhere. However I’m not sure if my current life situation is made to start a new long-lasting relationship…

This caught me off guard. Completely. If I hadn’t been out in the street, I probably would have started bawling my eyes out once more. I tried to keep it up, since I wasn’t sure how he meant it. But it did seem pretty obvious that he was not interested in ever getting together with me, right?! I felt my heart slowly breaking. Literally. My whole future seemed to shutter in front of me.

So I asked him what he meant. I mean, he can’t just say something like that out of the blue?! He texted me a little while after (it felt like 10 years):

I don’t really know either… I’m feeling weird.

I don’t know why, but this lifted a huge stone off my heart. I’m not sure I took it the right way, now that I’m reflecting, but I just figured he was feeling weird about the situation with his father and me lingering there like a little bug. I texted him back right away (and fortunately without thinking, because I just spoke my heart):
“You really needn’t think about us right now, for real. I’m not going anyway, no matter how long it takes you to get better again and I don’t expect to set a label on us in 1-2 months. Take your time, it’s important to me!”
To which I just got a “thanks” back. I added that if it wasn’t because he didn’t think we match, I would wait however long it takes him. I did not get an answer to that one. I’m not sure whether he doesn’t want to tell me that he’s not interested, or was just glad that I wanted to wait on him.

People have told me I’m stupid. It can take him a year to overcome this, but I don’t care. He is so special to me that I am willing to wait. And I am well aware it’s not gonna be easy. But I’m not leaving. Not as long as he still wants me there. Well, he doesn’t practically “want” me there, since I haven’t seen him in 2.5 weeks, but you know…
Also one girl said “I think it’s nice you wait, but don’t get your hopes up. You don’t know how he’ll come out of this grief, if he still wants what he wanted before his father passed away”. I never even thought of this, so it upset me. But then my feeling told me he was not going to just push me away. Not because of this at least.

I do think that he might have told me about the relationship, because he wanted me to have the option to leave. He knows how much it is bothering me, and I guess he’s trying to “save” me because he realises, that he can’t force himself to feel better. He always thinks of everyone else first.
Or maybe he simply isn’t interested. I can’t tell. But I’ll just trust my gut and wait for him as long as I can deal with it. Of course I am scared. It may turn out one way or the other. But I will be heartbroken anyway. If he leaves now or in 6 months, it doesn’t matter. I want him in my life and that’s all that matters for now.

However, I am not sure if it’ll work if we never meet. I do want to see him again, even if it’s just for a short amount of time… but until he’s ready, I won’t ask again. A good friend said I should wait another week and tell him about meeting again. Because I have a feeling he thinks of us meeting is like a sleepover. And I don’t need this at all. Of course I would love to spend a lot of time with him, but I don’t need it right now. I just need the connection. See how he’s dealing for real. I want to reconnect. Or at least see that he’s not interested anymore. I don’t know.

We’ll see.

On a whole other subject: he’s asked me several times if there was a baby in my tummy. I never thought much of it, until yesterday when I figured he might actually be worried I’ve gotten pregnant (since we didn’t protect – but I’m on my pill, so…). I told him I was sorry if he had actually worried and he said “why should I worry? P needs to be born somewhen!”.. so that confused me as well. Like, he told me in the morning to not get into a relationship and told me in the evening he wouldn’t mind me being pregnant?!

I don’t know. I really don’t. I’ll just have to wait this one out. Any suggestions, thoughts or whatever?! Would be very much appreciated!

final goodbye to Alan.

Just for myself: I need some closure about Alan on this blog. He has been long out of my life – it actually feels like a lifetime, when it really hasn’t. I deleted him off any social media by now. But I need to type some things out, to get it out of my system – out of my mind. I don’t intend to talk about him on here anymore, as I really want to cut him out of my life – out of my mind as well. If he ever decides to answer any of my unread letters, I will let you know. But I don’t believe in ever getting an answer anymore, so there’s that.

Just to show myself how long it’s actually been (sometimes it feels a lot longer, sometimes a lot shorter):

  • It’s been 2.5 months since I’ve last seen him, when he was over at my house and we got into that huge fight (May 13th)
  • The last time I heard from him “on his turn” (aka him answering my message 2 days late) has been 1.5 months ago, when he said he hasn’t read my letter yet and didn’t take it with him on his holidays and I said a day later that I will delete his number, so I had no option to text him, which he obviously saw as an invitation to break off any contact (June 14th)
  • It also has already been a month since I put my last letter in his mailbox the day he returned from his holidays… to which I never got an answer. Thank you for wasting probably 8 hours of my life on that one. (24th June)
  • And the very last message I ever got from him, which was a short “thank you” to my ‘stay safe’ message has been 3 weeks ago (30th June)

I can’t even officially say that we broke up, because we never did. But I guess it’s quite obvious that we are no longer together. It’s just… I wish he could have just explained himself at some point instead of just vanishing without a word.

Today a song came on the radio that was/is Alan’s favourite song. I actually really didn’t like that band, but with listening to it so much whilst being with Alan it got stuck in my mind. Whenever something like that happens, I keep wondering how he could have done something like that? It’s not even about me anymore, or about the hurt he’s caused me. But I just don’t understand how someone could do that to anyone?! Of course sometimes I wonder how he’s doing. If he’s suffered at least a little from this breakup. If he still thinks of me at all. What he told his father about our ‘breakup’… or if I’m just like any other exgirlfriend he’s had and he deleted me out of my mind right away.

Funnily enough, when I was deleting pictures of him off my phone, I found some old screenshots. Two weeks prior to our fight he told me how I was the one and only for him and how much he appreciated my personality. Just to be thrown away like garbage 2 weeks later. I still don’t understand his lack of fighting for this relationship. But then he never learned, so yeah.

At the end of the day, all of this doesn’t matter. I know I’m way much better off without him. I do not deserve to be treated like this and it would have never worked out in any possible way. His lack of empathy would have caused me a lot of pain on our further journey, so I’m glad I can fight this battle again by myself. I know who to rely on. It’s funny since everyone asked about our breakup I told them about me pre-cancer cells. Every single one of them has not asked about the breakup afterwards, but about my health. So it still doesn’t get into my head how my boyfriend couldn’t do that. Oh well, maybe there are people out there that need no empathy.

Anyway. As I said in my last post, I am content with being alone right now and that’s all that matters. I will try and cut him out completely. It worked with Stan, it will work with that one as well. So much for “my one” – on to the next one!