breakup

P sucks!

I had a feeling: Not to get my hopes up, because they’d come crashing down soon enough.

I didn’t expect it to be the very next day, but let’s start from the beginning:

I did not actually reply to his suggestion of meeting up, since he didn’t really ask but just made a statement about seeing each other. Since he asked straight after how I work over the holidays, I just replied to that question. I didn’t tell him that I would love to see him or anything the like. And as I said in my last post, I tried not to get my hopes up, since I wouldn’t believe that he actually wanted to see me, until he stood right in front of me. I don’t believe he will ask again. Just a feeling. But we’ll see.

Well, his wording was funny anyway. So I pointed out whether he thought meeting up with me wasn’t relaxing. At first he said “sure it’s so restraining”, but right after said that it of course was relaxing, but maybe it wasn’t for me. I made a joke about how it was upsetting to always translate his accent into my own ‘language’. He corrected my wording and I said “excuse me, I kind of have fallen out of using your language since it’s been a while”. He texted me this morning saying “why? You can now learn with your new colleague 😉 ”

Okay. I understand, he doesn’t plan on keep talking to me?! He has kept the conversation up so far however, I didn’t reply to some of his messages. I don’t want to get my hopes up, because I know I’m tumbling. My walls are starting to crumble especially.

For the first time in a month or so, I looked at his pictures again last night. And I still had that familiar feeling in my stomach. I remembered all the dates we had, which every thought that ever started in the last few weeks, I have pushed far far away. I didn’t want to remember the lovely times, since I knew I wouldn’t get them again. Why hurt myself on purpose?! I don’t know why I allowed it last night. It was a mistake.
There are still feelings for him – and I do not want them. I don’t want to think this is the turning point, because it isn’t. There’s a reason I deleted all his pictures on my phone and saved them somewhere I didn’t accidentally stumble across. There’s a reason I changed his nickname on my phone, so I’d not recognise right away when someone texts me anymore (I however changed the name back again last night, because it feels so wrong to not have an hamster-emoji next to his name).

I don’t know where all of this will lead. And no, I am not eager to find out. I just feel like everything is getting messed up again, when I tried so hard to put some order in my life lately. And I hate him for this not really. I don’t want him to have so much power over my thoughts without actually trying. It f*ckin sucks!
I even thought about meeting Tinder guy to get my mind off, but also know that it would be wrong. For both of them. Obviously I would get myself into trouble anyway, having feelings for P and Tinder guy only wanting sex. I told him I could not do that, I don’t know why he keeps trying.

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turn of events!

So things took quite the turn today.
I was working on another unit, because they had to teach me a certain thing I could only learn on our oncology unit. So therefore I was meeting new people (colleagues). No problem here, I love meeting new people right now. Everything that gets my mind off my private life right now.

The thing is… – and I only realised it around noon – that one girl on that unit has the same accent as P. At first I thought I was imagining things, but then she said one word he always said (which is different to the rest of our country), so I asked her if she was from around here (where we work) and she confirmed my suspicion, that – no she was not from around here but the place where P lives.
From then on I could not listen to her anymore. Not because I hate the accent, but quite the opposite. It made me miss P so much, and work was the only place I could actually 100% could get my mind off things. Listening to her talk made me remember how wrong all of this went in the last few weeks. I realised that we hadn’t spoken in almost 3 weeks by now, since he didn’t reply to my last question (why he had gone to Italy the prior weekend). I didn’t think about it much during that time, I just let it be. Yes, at times I did wonder why he stopped talking to me. Whether he had met someone new or was just busy, or maybe just had had enough of me. But for the most part, I forgot about him pushed any thought about him away.

Then I made the mistake of rejoining Tinder a few days ago. Of course someone asked whether I had ever met someone from Tinder and I truthfully said that I had. The follow-up question of course was, why it hadn’t worked out so I told him. He then asked what I was looking for in a guy and my first thought simply was “I’m not actually looking, I have found my one…”
Ever since that question from Tinder guy, I kept falling back into the pattern of musing about the whereabouts of P. But I didn’t text him.

Until today.
I figured… fuck it. I let him know about the accent thing and he replied. I knew he would, he always did at some point. He asked me how I was and said “I wanted to text you a while ago…”. I obviously asked him why he didn’t and he didn’t really give me an answer (“Hmm.. I don’t know… lots of work”). He went on to tell me that he was off work over the holidays and I just said that it was good so “you can take a break for Christmas, New Year and your birthday 😉 ”
I’m not sure whether the distance has made him go crazy, but something happened then…

– Cut the scene.
Whilst all of this happened, I had texted a girl friend of mine about it, mostly about him saying he wanted to text me, but didn’t. She then was like “well, if he’s off work, you may meet him again then!” and I actually laughed out loud. This thought has been so far back in my mind, that I truly did not believe in ever seeing him again in this life time. That hope has died before I went on holidays in October – so quite a while ago. I texted her saying “if he will ever ask me out again, I’m gonna eat my hat!”
Whilst I sent that text I saw a notification of P’s message: “or we meet up again somewhen…”
I think I read that message about a billion times until I realised what it was saying. I did not believe my eyes and I guess I’m gonna eat that hat after all.

Well. I’m not getting my hopes up, until he asks for a specific date and he’s standing in front of me again. I didn’t really reply to his message though, since he asked straight after when I was off work over the holidays. I just replied to that question, not saying I’d love to see him or anything.
Maybe the distance / no-contact has helped. Maybe he’s feeling better. Maybe he’s just pitying me or trying to hold up to his promise. I don’t know. I’ll just see how it goes from here. I don’t believe in seeing him again yet, but who knows really? As I said just this morning: if we’re meant to be, we’ll find back together somehow. If we’re not, then that’s fine.

Maybe he’s ready now. Maybe he just really wants to meet up as friends again, I seriously do not know. I’m messed up. Yet again.

 

By the way, to end this post on a funny note. Just like 2 minutes after P had texted me about the date, a guy on Tinder asked me out as well and I was like “what the hell is going wrong in with my life right now?!”

getting over P

Today was the first time since I returned from holidays (5 weeks) that I felt like crying about P. I didn’t, but I was close to having a meltdown.

It’s mostly because I listened to a song from Mark Forster. It’s German, so there’s no point in putting it here, since most of you won’t understand. But it’s about how you keep thinking about someone, although you really want to forget about them (click here if you want to listen to the song either way).

The lyrics just spoke my mind. Although I keep pushing P away so hard. So hard. I just can’t shake him off. And that’s what the song is about.
I’m just glad that I won’t see my school friends anymore now (at least till March), since they’re the only ones that know about the situation and now no one keeps asking me about him all the time. But it doesn’t matter, really. If I’m being honest to myself, I can’t shake him off. I wish I could. And no matter how much I lie to myself that I forgot about him…

Well. I didn’t.

As if it wouldn’t have been enough to be reminded by a song, I dreamt about him last night. Once more I had a dream about being pregnant and he was the father. Somewhen we’ve had sex and were not talking to each other, so it was pretty much the current situation. I didn’t tell anyone, but then started having contractions after work (was still at the hospital). In the dream I texted him, letting him know his kids were going to be born soon, to let him know he could be with me along the birth. He didn’t believe me that I was pregnant since I’d told him before I was not pregnant (once more, reality). I then just said that it was his loss and I was going to care for them by myself then and he can get lost.
Long story short, I woke up, holding my stomach real tight. I have dreamt about being pregnant before, but I never was as anxious when I woke up. About losing my babies. About not actually being pregnant, when it felt so right whilst asleep. Some part of my brain probably had hoped, this way I could get him back into my life… Stupid.

When I first woke up, I did muse whether to let him know I had dreamt about him. But then I realised there was no point. If he didn’t want to talk to me the last 2 weeks, he won’t want to talk to me the next few months either. I could text him. He would reply. We’d have a conversation, all well.
But where’s the point?! Torturing myself by keeping up a contact that is only wanted by me? Not gonna happen.

I just wish I could get over him already. But knowing he matches me so well… realising what we lost, because he’s a coward. It’s so so hard.

Well.. it’s gonna be a long time till I get over him, no matter what.

Plan B starts now!

The thing with Matt ended up being a very short fling. Not because I didn’t want to invest any time, but because I ended up at the same exact spot like with P.
I wanted to see Matt again, so I asked him when we could meet up next. He got very quiet after we’ve seen each other last week, and he didn’t reply for a while. He then said that it’s gonna be hard to find time from now on. I found this hilarious, since he had given me so many possible dates when we first started talking about it. So I just gave up. Rethinking about the situation, he probably didn’t ‘feel’ the same thing as me. And that’s totally fine. It was good to somewhat help get over P.

I say somewhat. Because I have been thinking about P a little more again. I guess mostly because I have spent some time with people that know about the situation. My colleagues and other friends don’t even know about him, neither does my mom. So no questions. But I had 2 days of school and everyone asked about him, so of course my thoughts have surfaced. Two friends even gave me a present connected to him, they bought it when we were still dating. I know they meant well, but I told them I could not use it right now, since I still can’t seem to shake him off completely.
I did however finally realise that it’s not gonna work. There’s no need to invest any more feelings and time into him. Because if I’ve learned one thing over the last few failed (attempts of) relationships, it’s that if the effort is one-sided, there’s no need to continue. It doesn’t matter how much it feels right to me, how much I know we would work out quite well, if he doesn’t feel the need to be interested in my life, there’s no point. No matter how much I feel felt towards him. No matter how right it felt to me, it is NOT the ‘right thing’ if it’s just you in it.
Yes, it hurts. A shit tone at that. But I need to remember this. Since I returned from my holidays I heard from him twice. Twice in 3 weeks, whilst we used to text every. single. day. And that’s how things roll since I have stopped putting in any effort. And that’s what I got, so I need to accept this.

I was able to push these thoughts away during work. I was exhausted in the evenings, so I didn’t really have time to think about him. But lately… I miss him again.
And I’m angry. And disappointed that even though he felt the same connection, he did not want to overcome his worries and just give us a try. Yes, I’m angry. I’m so mad at him, because I know we would have matched so well. I’m even mad that not even did he NOT give us a chance, but he denied seeing me again at all. He’s a coward. And that makes me sad. Sad that he would not give love a try, because there was nothing to lose, really.
I hope one day he realises what he’s lost. I wish I could say one day when it wouldn’t be too late. But I guess that already happened. You know… I could have hung on… but I needed some sort of interest. And him not even replying to normal questions anymore… well he’s gone.

A week or so ago, I realised that I have given up, when I started changing my plan of life. I know that when I met P, I thought I might spend New Year’s Eve with him, since I could get to his place by 12am (I’m working a late shift that day). I didn’t make plans in hope that he would come back and make plans.
It got as far as me not wanting to apply for a job, because it would mean moving even further away from him –  my thoughts being “what if we decides to come back and we start dating by then again?!”
But I have given up. Truly so. I will apply for that job as soon as I can (March 2018). I will move to that city, away from everyone. I will do what feels right for me right now – without anyone in mind but me. And even though I always said I could never live alone, I have now realised that I cannot depend on ever finding someone and – I actually can live by myself – it’s just a mindset I needed to change. I need to live my life – my way. And that’s what I’m doing now. I plan it without anyone in it, because you’ll never know if what you wish for will happen. I always wanted family by now, but that didn’t happen either. I can’t force myself to think I will ever get it. I need to plan my life – Plan B.

crazy cat lady

Honestly… sometimes I really understand why my friends are telling me to make a movie out of my life. Sometimes I really ask myself, why I’m reacting the way I do. Or why I’m doing certain things. But oh well, the harm is done. Gotta live with it now.

I was frustrated last night. VERY frustrated. I wanted to test how long it takes P to text me first. Yesterday marked 4 days, and I wanted to send him something, so I did. I hate playing those games, so fuck it. After he didn’t keep up the conversation after a very short while, I just said “bye” at around 8pm. He asked why I said “bye” and I just said bye again. He asked where I was heading to. Here is where I took a wrong turn.

I’m going nowhere, but your interest in texting with me doesn’t seem to be existent anymore lately and even I have understood that by now… so that’s why I don’t want to force anything anymore that is one-sided, and therefore: bye” I am very aware how bitchy that was, and it’s so not me. I’m not like that. I tell people what the fuck is wrong, without sounding like a bitch.
He just answered with a simple “hmm…“, which obviously got me even madder. Here’s where I should have gone to bed and not reply to him no more. But I didn’t:
I don’t mean to harm you, and I’m not sure how you took it. You know what I think of you, but as I said there wasn’t much from you anymore. I don’t want to bother you and be that girl, that doesn’t get a hint and keeps bothering you, when you’re done already. I like texting with you, you should know. But there’s no need when it’s always started by me, right? I didn’t mean it as a ‘bye, get the fuck away, I don’t want to ever talk to you again’, but I will take a step back, because I finally got it. You are welcome to text, whenever you want.

I then went to bed. I’m glad I was able to actually sleep. But when I woke up to no text whatsoever (and he had been online till 3am, so it wasn’t like he was away or something), I was just sad. Disappointed. I hadn’t expected this. Not from him, at least.

I texted again (I see your eye-rolling – stop!):
Hmm okay, I didn’t expect to just get nothing… I just want to say one last thing then. I think you understand how frustrating it is, when you miss someone and that person rarely or never texts you first and that’s why I texted you last night. Nothing has changed about how I think of ‘us’ or how I feel about you (even if I had hope me being away helps). I just don’t want to fool myself and that’s why I’m giving you some room to breathe. Believe me, it’s not easy, but I promise I will leave you be even if that hurts me.. I’m sorry if I have wrong-footed you.
I know I should play that game of catch-fetch, but that’s not me. I want people to know how I feel or think. There’s so much hate and misunderstandings, because people are playing games and not communicating properly. I’m done with this. I’d rather let him know how I feel, than us both being frustrated.

I got an answer about an hour later:

There’s not coming nothing anymore… I have been thinking about it, but it’s still like that time I explained to you about my situation: I have enjoyed every moment with you and don’t regret anything.. and we can go out for dinner or just do something together.
But I don’t know, how hopeful you’re going to be that we’ll end up in intimate togetherness until we’re old afterwards 😛
What got me wrong-footed isn’t you, but the situation right now. I still am struggling with my father’s death and it has turned my life upside down… but I also don’t want to blame everything for this.
Don’t worry, I know very well how much you like me – and it is very nice. But I also don’t want to play with your feelings.

I didn’t answer all day. Firstly because I was at work, but also because I wanted to think about what to reply. I know I could’ve gone “I don’t have any hope” blablah, but we all know that would be a lie. And he knows that as well. So I figured I could be completely honest:

I’m sorry I always bother you with this. I didn’t mean “seeing you”, but that I felt like your interest decreased in the texting-habit. But I guess I didn’t articulate myself very well.
So I’m going to be very honest now: We will never have an intimate togetherness with our cats… 😉 no seriously though: of course I cannot claim to have no hope whatsoever – and I think you know that, but I am very well aware that it doesn’t work (right now) and it could go both ways. Nobody can promise anything.
And I never felt like you were playing with my feelings, because you have always been honest and explained your situation, so I will not blame you for that. In the end it would be my problem, because I know what I’m getting myself into. I don’t know how to explain. I actually just wanted to let you know, that you should text me from time to time 😛

It’s funny though. I knew this morning that things weren’t done. Although my brain wanted me to be sad for this loss, I knew I had not actually lost him. It is so weird to explain that relationship to anyone. Or how I feel about us. I wish he’d feel the same. Or I could give him some sort of security. But this conversation just showed me once more, how insecure he is. He doesn’t want to see me, because he fears of me getting hurt. When really, it’s my problem. He doesn’t give himself a chance, that’s what makes me sad actually…
In the end I know he’s telling me that I should have no hope right now that we end up as a couple. And honestly, my hope has decreased immensely. I’m not sure how we both will feel once we see each other again (since it’s been over 2 months). Of course there’s the hope that I will spark his interest again, but I also do not expect us to kiss when we see each other or whatever. I’m not that blindsided. I understand his situation and he needs time, and that is fine by me. I guess I’ll just keep going and see where things are going. And stop going crazy every few weeks *lol*

 

back from Dubai!

I’m back from holidays. Have been for a while, but since I caught the flu on Tuesday and have been in bed ever since, I wasn’t in the mood to write. Still am not, but gotta update this page on a few things.

I had such a good time in Dubai! I mostly forgot about P and really was happy for the first time in a while without any worries. I needn’t worry whether he had texted or how he meant what he wrote, because I simply couldn’t see if he texted me at all. That took the edge completely off. I needn’t worry about anything.

I did not end up texting him before my flight took off when I left on the 22nd (because I accidentally bumped into Ken at the airport, which is a whole other story in itself *lol*), so we had been on non-contact since 3 days, because he simply didn’t text me anymore. Nothing new here. When I returned last week, I got a few messages of him he sent me on the 23rd (although he knew I’d left the day before). He wished me a nice holiday and “don’t go too wild ^^ like, without me…
I found this funny, just the way he worded that. So when I returned a week later I told him I was back and that I’ve had a nice week. We texted a bit (him mainly telling me that it’s normal to get proposed to down there – which is true). I sent him a picture to which he didn’t say much, so I let him be and went abroad once more (although I had internet there).

Then was my birthday on Tuesday. I didn’t hear from him for 3 days (until I texted him again). I did not expect him to remember my birthday, since I only told him once. It would have been cute, but I wasn’t mad at him for that. Once again the conversation didn’t flow too long.
I texted him AGAIN the day after. We texted a little and I wanted test our ground. I wasn’t able to tell how he was feeling towards us, so I said “so could you stop thinking of me, since I can’t stop sneezing for 3 days…?!” (being playful and all) to which he replied “maybe it’s a guy from your holidays, not me 😅” – now that I read it again, he might not have meant it the way I took it, but I’m not sure.
That definitely wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but was pretty straight forward telling me he was not thinking about me, I guess. I just said “well that has been pretty clear, good night then”. I was pissed. Really pissed. He just asked whether I was tired already and sent that emoji: 🙈. I replied “no”. For me it sounded like he hadn’t been thinking about me, but now a few days later, maybe he suggested it could be someone else apart from him?! I don’t know.
Did not get anything back and knew I would not get anything at all. So I went to sleep.

The next day I texted him again (will I ever learn?). We had a brief conversation. He kept it up. Sent me videos of his fireworks he was doing. We talked about my phobia. He told me I should come along once he does one, so I can face my fears – I didn’t react to it, since I knew he wasn’t serious about it. This time I was the one not to reply to his emojis, there was no need to.
I asked myself whether he was talking like that to all the girls. I really can’t tell and therefore have no idea where I stand.

So, what do I make of this? I don’t know. I have mostly given up on the hope of us working out. I’m glad I could gain some distance whilst being abroad. I have not gotten any sort of affection from him whatsoever since I’ve been back. I was devastated on Thursday, but then I realised that it was okay. I knew beforehand that this would happen. The more distance we put between us, the worse it’ll get. And it’s okay. I will have him as a friend for now and if he ever decides he wants to see me again or take a step forward, then I am very happy to be here. But I can’t just wait on him, and do all the work of keeping the contact. It is a loss of course, I remember how perfect everything felt to me… but if he doesn’t share this opinion, there’s no need to pursue a relationship on my behalf. Maybe the timing was wrong, maybe we simply weren’t meant to be. Or maybe he just needs some more time.
I’ll “move on”. Keep him in my life as a friend for now and see where things are leading.

 

On a whole other level: my exboyfriend turned up again. Nope, not Alan. One that has been long before I started that blog (I had my first real kiss with him when I was 14, so you see). He always remembers my birthday ever since we’ve known each other, which is cute. It’s usually around these times we talk, but then the contact decreases again. For some reason he invited himself over to my place and he’ll be around in 3 weeks. It’s weird, but I’m somewhat excited to see him again (it’s been 6 years since I last seen him).
Also Kenny is back. On my behalf. I had been thinking of him lately and I figured I could just text him (mainly about the sneezing part, because he was the one starting that game). Who knows what all of this will bring – I am not interested in dating, don’t get me wrong. It would feel so bad for me, since my heart still lays with P although I don’t want to. But there’s no harm in getting attention somewhere else, right?

Plus my encounter with Ken. I was waiting with a friend to check in, when someone called my last name. I got really anxious, because I thought I had done something wrong until I looked at the person that called and recognised Ken. He found it very funny that I was so shocked and we had a short banter. It was nice to see him and took off some of the anxiety I had been experiencing (always do on airports).

holidays

I didn’t want to make a post, but then I figured, you guys will not hear from me in 2 weeks, so why not one last update before I leave for holidays tomorrow?

The last few days it has been on my part again to start the conversation. He does show interest, but he’s not keeping it up constantly, which is totally fine.
After he’d sent me a really cute picture last Wednesday, I sent one back on Thursday – figuring I could be mean as well. Although I did not know if it would have the same effect on him – I doubt it. I didn’t hear anything for the longest time and then got a “thanks 🙂 “… well that was a disappointment. I had hoped to get something… anything.

The conversation then led to me going away. He didn’t know how long I’d be away, so I told him when he asked. He did say “and what am I gonna do without you?”, which would have been cute if I hadn’t known it was not a flirt-try. I just said ‘the same thing like the last few weeks’ and he simply said “no” and didn’t answer when I asked what he was planning to do then.
I woke up around midnight after that and got mad when he hadn’t replied and said “party party, finally she’s gone”, he found this funny and said he wouldn’t do that because he was too old to party (since when?!). So I asked again what he was planning to do without me and he said “sleep”… I didn’t understand, because it’s not like he couldn’t sleep because I held him awake with phone calls or anything. I did ask again, but didn’t get an answer apart from “I can always sleep”, but no answer to what he’d do when I’m away or what he meant in the first place.

Last night I went out with the girls from class.. I got really upset by the evening, since everyone was drunk apart from me and I texted him. He was somewhat chatty again, but then all of a sudden stopped any sort of conversation since then. I didn’t text him again so far. Don’t know if I will before I leave tomorrow. He knows I leave, so it should be his part, right?!

However. I went to our first dating place today. It was… weird. At first I got all nervous before I got there, but once I stood there, I got calm and felt at peace. I just sat there for a while, enjoying the sun, the sound, the wind, just everything. I remembered things that I had forgotten about our first date. I realised how much of the scenery I did not take in, because I was so fixed upon P back then. But when I realised that I could not sit there forever, I got all sad. I did not want to leave, because to me it felt like leaving him behind. Leaving that last chance to find back together behind. Remembering also made me hope for reliving them at some later time and place.

I am terrified of what may come whilst I’m away. I know that some distance will do us good – especially him. He wants to get away, and that’s what he gets now. I wish he would find back to me though, that he misses me or rather us. I know his emotions are still there, but he just hides them and pushes them away whenever they turn up. I don’t know if I will ever see him again, I do not want to give up and driving away from our dating place made me realise more than ever. I can’t just give up. It hurt so much to give up on a idea of us somewhen being together. I hope he’ll keep his promise to meet up. I hope once we stand in front of each other, our spark will be “relit”. But not seeing each other for even longer isn’t exactly helping the chances of me to get him back to me.

I just hope the distance will help us and not bring us even farther apart.
But we will see.