exboyfriends.

Plan B starts now!

The thing with Matt ended up being a very short fling. Not because I didn’t want to invest any time, but because I ended up at the same exact spot like with P.
I wanted to see Matt again, so I asked him when we could meet up next. He got very quiet after we’ve seen each other last week, and he didn’t reply for a while. He then said that it’s gonna be hard to find time from now on. I found this hilarious, since he had given me so many possible dates when we first started talking about it. So I just gave up. Rethinking about the situation, he probably didn’t ‘feel’ the same thing as me. And that’s totally fine. It was good to somewhat help get over P.

I say somewhat. Because I have been thinking about P a little more again. I guess mostly because I have spent some time with people that know about the situation. My colleagues and other friends don’t even know about him, neither does my mom. So no questions. But I had 2 days of school and everyone asked about him, so of course my thoughts have surfaced. Two friends even gave me a present connected to him, they bought it when we were still dating. I know they meant well, but I told them I could not use it right now, since I still can’t seem to shake him off completely.
I did however finally realise that it’s not gonna work. There’s no need to invest any more feelings and time into him. Because if I’ve learned one thing over the last few failed (attempts of) relationships, it’s that if the effort is one-sided, there’s no need to continue. It doesn’t matter how much it feels right to me, how much I know we would work out quite well, if he doesn’t feel the need to be interested in my life, there’s no point. No matter how much I feel felt towards him. No matter how right it felt to me, it is NOT the ‘right thing’ if it’s just you in it.
Yes, it hurts. A shit tone at that. But I need to remember this. Since I returned from my holidays I heard from him twice. Twice in 3 weeks, whilst we used to text every. single. day. And that’s how things roll since I have stopped putting in any effort. And that’s what I got, so I need to accept this.

I was able to push these thoughts away during work. I was exhausted in the evenings, so I didn’t really have time to think about him. But lately… I miss him again.
And I’m angry. And disappointed that even though he felt the same connection, he did not want to overcome his worries and just give us a try. Yes, I’m angry. I’m so mad at him, because I know we would have matched so well. I’m even mad that not even did he NOT give us a chance, but he denied seeing me again at all. He’s a coward. And that makes me sad. Sad that he would not give love a try, because there was nothing to lose, really.
I hope one day he realises what he’s lost. I wish I could say one day when it wouldn’t be too late. But I guess that already happened. You know… I could have hung on… but I needed some sort of interest. And him not even replying to normal questions anymore… well he’s gone.

A week or so ago, I realised that I have given up, when I started changing my plan of life. I know that when I met P, I thought I might spend New Year’s Eve with him, since I could get to his place by 12am (I’m working a late shift that day). I didn’t make plans in hope that he would come back and make plans.
It got as far as me not wanting to apply for a job, because it would mean moving even further away from him –  my thoughts being “what if we decides to come back and we start dating by then again?!”
But I have given up. Truly so. I will apply for that job as soon as I can (March 2018). I will move to that city, away from everyone. I will do what feels right for me right now – without anyone in mind but me. And even though I always said I could never live alone, I have now realised that I cannot depend on ever finding someone and – I actually can live by myself – it’s just a mindset I needed to change. I need to live my life – my way. And that’s what I’m doing now. I plan it without anyone in it, because you’ll never know if what you wish for will happen. I always wanted family by now, but that didn’t happen either. I can’t force myself to think I will ever get it. I need to plan my life – Plan B.

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date with exboyfriend

I knew it. I just had a feeling.

So my exboyfriend – Matt – came over to my place today. Just some backstory of “us”:
Matt and I dated in March 2005 (when I was 14) and I had my very first kiss with him. He stayed the weekend back then and we were “together”. We had been together for a month or so a year back, but never had seen each other (you know, that was a thing haha, internet dating and such). After that weekend we spent together, he texted me saying that he was going to stay single, since he wasn’t over his exgirlfriend quite yet. Well, they ended up back together shortly after. They had broken up just before we first met up and I was heartbroken of course. It took quite a while to get over him.
We have been in contact over the years. In the beginning mostly when he was single and needed a distraction. When we grew up we had contact whenever. Some years a little more than others, but mostly for birthdays. The last time I’ve seen him (as a friend) was in September 2011. Because of jealous girlfriends, our schedules and I guess missing interest, we never met up again.

He texted me for my birthday this year as usual and we started talking. We always do, and the conversation subsides after a few days. He however more or less invited himself over to my place this time, so he could see my mom and me again. We set a day (actually first it would have been in a week, but my boss put me on work duty, so we changed the date to today). I wasn’t sure if we would go through with it, because I never heard back from him until last night. He asked what time he should come over. So that seemed set.

He texted me this afternoon what the name of my mom was *lol* I told him and waited. He then texted me around 2pm that he was outside and was afraid to come in, so he would have a cigarette and then come in. I went outside, so he wouldn’t have to face me and my mom all at once. He smirked when he saw me, and then came over to me with a HUGE flower. We hugged hello and he said it was my birthday present. We talked and teased like we used to all along.
We then went inside, had some coffee and just talked with my mom for 2 hours. About pretty much everything. We hadn’t truly updated on each other’s life, so 6 years is a lot of time to catch up on.

After about 2 hours I got that urge to be alone with him. I just wanted to cuddle up with him, not even talk but be with him. I don’t know why I felt thatway, but I did. I didn’t act on it however. I didn’t know how he felt. I just know he recently broke up with his girlfriend (our mutual friend told me) and that he pretty much hates his exgirlfriend now – that’s what he told me himself. So I just left it be.

At around 4.30pm he said he would head home soon. So I walked him to his car, where he smoked another cigarette and he asked me when we would see each other next. I told him I was free whenever, and he told me to come over to his place next time (since it’s always him coming to me, and we are about an 1-hour drive apart). We hugged goodbye for quite a while. I really had that urge to kiss him, but I knew it wouldn’t be a good thing to do. For himself because of his breakup, but also for myself since the situation with P is not really solved at all.

But.

I have this urge to see him again. I miss him. I want to cuddle him. And I’m not sure why I have these feelings. Whether they are old feelings resurfacing or if it’s just the ‘homely’ feeling, because we’ve known each other half our lives (15 years to be precise). Or even the frustration of not getting what I wanted from P?!
When he asked me what he should do tonight, I even said he was welcome to come over again. He just laughed. It’s weird really. I hope to see him again soon, so to find out what this is exactly. Whether my mind is just fucked up, or it may be something.

We’ll see what this mess of emotions and my mind is going to lead to.

work parties and P

Before my mind is all fogged with other things, I wanted to type out what has happened over the last week and yesterday.

As I mentioned in my last post, I told P how I felt about him not taking any care of our friendship. Since I didn’t get an answer to my very long text message, something in me ‘broke’. Not in a bad way, but I realised that I finally will be able to let go of him for good. I know my last post sounded very hopeful, but I think that lasted about a day and then I was done with this catch-me-if-you-can-game. I knew that if he ever returned, I’d be open for giving it a try. But I was done chasing for his attention and anything else. I did not text him again. Of course he was on my mind every now and then, but busy work fortunately has kept my mind off him mostly. And left me exhausted in the evening, so that I went to bed around 9pm and no time for overthinking either.

Surprisingly I had no problems not texting him this time. This is why I know I was able to make a cut for real. It was so hard for me over the last 2 months when he started to retreat, but now I was just done fighting for something that was one-sided. I didn’t hear from him at all. Yesterday morning he texted me a picture, that – probably – should have been funny. It read: “Once upon a time there was a prince, who proposed to a very beautiful princess. She answered: NO!!! .. and then the prince lived happily ever after, did whatever he wanted to do. THE END.”
I guess y’all know that this was somewhat just awkward. I know it’s his kind of humour and he’s sent me things like this before. But in this current situation it was just wrong and I’m not sure what he had expected to get from it. There was radio silence for 8 days and then that’s what he sent without any comment. I just replied “life would be that much easier this way, huh?”

I didn’t get an answer and I didn’t care. I went out to a work party last night and did not think of him once. I flirted hardcore with a colleague, who has been hitting on me since I started working at this place (3 years ago) and it was fun. There will never come anything out of it, since he’s married and like 15 years older than me. But you know, it was good for my ego. He kept throwing balls at me to get my attention or bumping into me whilst dancing. Even when I first sat down at the table and he happened to be there as well (really, it was not my intention!), he kept trying to catch my eye and smiled at me whenever. It’s just a thing with us and that’s completely fine. He doesn’t usually overact on the flirting bit (getting touchy or something like that), so it’s good for my ego mostly. And like I said, it’s been that way for the last 3 years and nothing ever happened, so all is fine. He also was sober – I think – so I wasn’t afraid anything would happen, especially around everyone that was there. It was just good to get the attention. And I texted him this morning about something we talked about last night, and he just said how I flirted with him, to which I just said he started with that game. He complimented me on my “eye game”. He’s a funny one.

The work party was fun overall. At first I wasn’t too sure, since I am somewhat antisocial when it comes to people I don’t know very well. I kept being with the ones I knew… but at some point I was playing table tennis with said guy, and he went away and all of a sudden I was playing table tennis with 3 people I didn’t even know the name of. One of them was hitting on me big time and I have seen him before, but never really talked to him. So that was fun.

Anyway. Once I got home (by 3.30am!!) I texted P, figuring there was nothing to lose. And also letting him know I was still having a life without dating him. Just asked how he was dealing and he texted me saying “not too bad, what about you? You know, I was in Italy last weekend”. Once more I can’t translate it word by word, but it sounded like ‘I was away last weekend and that’s why I didn’t text all week’, which makes no sense whatsoever. But I’m done thinking about why he has or has not texted me. If he wants to talk to me, he can. I’m not putting any effort in this anymore until he knows what he wants.

Now why I’m typing this out right now with a somewhat clear mind? In 2 hours my exboyfriend will come over. I haven’t seen him in 6 years, so that’ll be awkward. But he pretty much invited himself over when we were talking on my birthday. So that should be interesting. Maybe this will make a new post, or maybe it’s just gonna be friendly chatter (I guess so).

Until then…

 

back from Dubai!

I’m back from holidays. Have been for a while, but since I caught the flu on Tuesday and have been in bed ever since, I wasn’t in the mood to write. Still am not, but gotta update this page on a few things.

I had such a good time in Dubai! I mostly forgot about P and really was happy for the first time in a while without any worries. I needn’t worry whether he had texted or how he meant what he wrote, because I simply couldn’t see if he texted me at all. That took the edge completely off. I needn’t worry about anything.

I did not end up texting him before my flight took off when I left on the 22nd (because I accidentally bumped into Ken at the airport, which is a whole other story in itself *lol*), so we had been on non-contact since 3 days, because he simply didn’t text me anymore. Nothing new here. When I returned last week, I got a few messages of him he sent me on the 23rd (although he knew I’d left the day before). He wished me a nice holiday and “don’t go too wild ^^ like, without me…
I found this funny, just the way he worded that. So when I returned a week later I told him I was back and that I’ve had a nice week. We texted a bit (him mainly telling me that it’s normal to get proposed to down there – which is true). I sent him a picture to which he didn’t say much, so I let him be and went abroad once more (although I had internet there).

Then was my birthday on Tuesday. I didn’t hear from him for 3 days (until I texted him again). I did not expect him to remember my birthday, since I only told him once. It would have been cute, but I wasn’t mad at him for that. Once again the conversation didn’t flow too long.
I texted him AGAIN the day after. We texted a little and I wanted test our ground. I wasn’t able to tell how he was feeling towards us, so I said “so could you stop thinking of me, since I can’t stop sneezing for 3 days…?!” (being playful and all) to which he replied “maybe it’s a guy from your holidays, not me 😅” – now that I read it again, he might not have meant it the way I took it, but I’m not sure.
That definitely wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but was pretty straight forward telling me he was not thinking about me, I guess. I just said “well that has been pretty clear, good night then”. I was pissed. Really pissed. He just asked whether I was tired already and sent that emoji: 🙈. I replied “no”. For me it sounded like he hadn’t been thinking about me, but now a few days later, maybe he suggested it could be someone else apart from him?! I don’t know.
Did not get anything back and knew I would not get anything at all. So I went to sleep.

The next day I texted him again (will I ever learn?). We had a brief conversation. He kept it up. Sent me videos of his fireworks he was doing. We talked about my phobia. He told me I should come along once he does one, so I can face my fears – I didn’t react to it, since I knew he wasn’t serious about it. This time I was the one not to reply to his emojis, there was no need to.
I asked myself whether he was talking like that to all the girls. I really can’t tell and therefore have no idea where I stand.

So, what do I make of this? I don’t know. I have mostly given up on the hope of us working out. I’m glad I could gain some distance whilst being abroad. I have not gotten any sort of affection from him whatsoever since I’ve been back. I was devastated on Thursday, but then I realised that it was okay. I knew beforehand that this would happen. The more distance we put between us, the worse it’ll get. And it’s okay. I will have him as a friend for now and if he ever decides he wants to see me again or take a step forward, then I am very happy to be here. But I can’t just wait on him, and do all the work of keeping the contact. It is a loss of course, I remember how perfect everything felt to me… but if he doesn’t share this opinion, there’s no need to pursue a relationship on my behalf. Maybe the timing was wrong, maybe we simply weren’t meant to be. Or maybe he just needs some more time.
I’ll “move on”. Keep him in my life as a friend for now and see where things are leading.

 

On a whole other level: my exboyfriend turned up again. Nope, not Alan. One that has been long before I started that blog (I had my first real kiss with him when I was 14, so you see). He always remembers my birthday ever since we’ve known each other, which is cute. It’s usually around these times we talk, but then the contact decreases again. For some reason he invited himself over to my place and he’ll be around in 3 weeks. It’s weird, but I’m somewhat excited to see him again (it’s been 6 years since I last seen him).
Also Kenny is back. On my behalf. I had been thinking of him lately and I figured I could just text him (mainly about the sneezing part, because he was the one starting that game). Who knows what all of this will bring – I am not interested in dating, don’t get me wrong. It would feel so bad for me, since my heart still lays with P although I don’t want to. But there’s no harm in getting attention somewhere else, right?

Plus my encounter with Ken. I was waiting with a friend to check in, when someone called my last name. I got really anxious, because I thought I had done something wrong until I looked at the person that called and recognised Ken. He found it very funny that I was so shocked and we had a short banter. It was nice to see him and took off some of the anxiety I had been experiencing (always do on airports).

guess who showed up?

As you all know by now, whenever I don’t post much, there simply is nothing to talk about. Alan has still vanished from this my world, which is fine for me. Doc is away for a month now and hasn’t texted in a week, which is absolutely fine as well. Have somewhat gotten over the idea anyway.

What is new though: I’m going out with Gohan tonight. I know. I don’t know where this has come from either. I don’t think many remember him. We dated a while back, I guess about 5-7 years but will have to read back on that story. We had sex once and then just stopped seeing each other for whatever reason – I can’t recall.

Well, last week I bumped into him. Not so much physically, because I didn’t actually talk to him because I only realised too late and he didn’t notice me. But I did let him know by text and he said it was a pity I didn’t talk to him, because it would have been fun. To which I replied we could meet up anyway and not only have to see each other whenever we occasionaly bump into each other. I mean we haven’t seen each other on purpose since we dated back in 2012 (I have read back on it now). Last night he asked whether I was free tonight, so yes. I am going out with him.

I have absolutely no idea what to expect. He told me that he has gotten very antisocial and needed some friends to get out of the house. I have been pretty much the same over the last few years (or actually… I have always been like that), so it seemed perfect to me. He understands what I go through. And we have always been on good terms, even after we ‘broke up’.

I don’t expect anything to happen tonight, but I am somewhat curious. Everything is so open and everything could happen. We’re both single, we know each other, we’re weird. I do think we’ll just catch up on these last few years and definitely will have a good talk. But there’s a subtle nervousity in me, because we used to date. And now that I have been reading back on a few posts I wrote about him, a weird feeling has shown itself again. I do not think we’ll kiss or anything, but there has always been a connection between the two of us. We’ll see. I’ll let you know how it went!

On a whole other topic: Ken and I are talking again. He actually texted me this morning, telling me that he’d found a hair from me on his handcuffs. Well, where did that come from? Haha, he has a new girlfriend, so I’m not sure why he is telling me this. I mean it has been 2 years. But whatever. Thanks for the info, I guess. 😀

final goodbye to Alan.

Just for myself: I need some closure about Alan on this blog. He has been long out of my life – it actually feels like a lifetime, when it really hasn’t. I deleted him off any social media by now. But I need to type some things out, to get it out of my system – out of my mind. I don’t intend to talk about him on here anymore, as I really want to cut him out of my life – out of my mind as well. If he ever decides to answer any of my unread letters, I will let you know. But I don’t believe in ever getting an answer anymore, so there’s that.

Just to show myself how long it’s actually been (sometimes it feels a lot longer, sometimes a lot shorter):

  • It’s been 2.5 months since I’ve last seen him, when he was over at my house and we got into that huge fight (May 13th)
  • The last time I heard from him “on his turn” (aka him answering my message 2 days late) has been 1.5 months ago, when he said he hasn’t read my letter yet and didn’t take it with him on his holidays and I said a day later that I will delete his number, so I had no option to text him, which he obviously saw as an invitation to break off any contact (June 14th)
  • It also has already been a month since I put my last letter in his mailbox the day he returned from his holidays… to which I never got an answer. Thank you for wasting probably 8 hours of my life on that one. (24th June)
  • And the very last message I ever got from him, which was a short “thank you” to my ‘stay safe’ message has been 3 weeks ago (30th June)

I can’t even officially say that we broke up, because we never did. But I guess it’s quite obvious that we are no longer together. It’s just… I wish he could have just explained himself at some point instead of just vanishing without a word.

Today a song came on the radio that was/is Alan’s favourite song. I actually really didn’t like that band, but with listening to it so much whilst being with Alan it got stuck in my mind. Whenever something like that happens, I keep wondering how he could have done something like that? It’s not even about me anymore, or about the hurt he’s caused me. But I just don’t understand how someone could do that to anyone?! Of course sometimes I wonder how he’s doing. If he’s suffered at least a little from this breakup. If he still thinks of me at all. What he told his father about our ‘breakup’… or if I’m just like any other exgirlfriend he’s had and he deleted me out of my mind right away.

Funnily enough, when I was deleting pictures of him off my phone, I found some old screenshots. Two weeks prior to our fight he told me how I was the one and only for him and how much he appreciated my personality. Just to be thrown away like garbage 2 weeks later. I still don’t understand his lack of fighting for this relationship. But then he never learned, so yeah.

At the end of the day, all of this doesn’t matter. I know I’m way much better off without him. I do not deserve to be treated like this and it would have never worked out in any possible way. His lack of empathy would have caused me a lot of pain on our further journey, so I’m glad I can fight this battle again by myself. I know who to rely on. It’s funny since everyone asked about our breakup I told them about me pre-cancer cells. Every single one of them has not asked about the breakup afterwards, but about my health. So it still doesn’t get into my head how my boyfriend couldn’t do that. Oh well, maybe there are people out there that need no empathy.

Anyway. As I said in my last post, I am content with being alone right now and that’s all that matters. I will try and cut him out completely. It worked with Stan, it will work with that one as well. So much for “my one” – on to the next one!

out of my league

I guess it’s time to update on my current situation, right?

I haven’t heard from Alan. The last time that we talked on his behalf was over 6 weeks ago. As I mentioned, he does answer my texts, but not intending on any conversation or interest in me whatsoever. I have not heard one thing about any of the letters and honestly, I truly have given up about a week ago to ever hear from him again. So far I have gifted the tickets I bought for him to a friend of mine, I have deleted him on instagram a few weeks back. And I deleted his snapchat today. It was the only source of connection anymore that was left. The only way to know what is going on in his life. And I figured it was time to cut this off, too. We’re still friends on facebook, but I unfollowed him a few weeks ago as well – so I need to actively go on his profile to see anything. So that’s gonna be the last step to get him out of my life completely.
I am glad I have met Doc. He made me finally let go of Alan for good. Not that he had any intention to, or that I am hoping to fall in love with Doc. But at least this came out of it: Getting rid of Alan for good.

Now. Doc and I. A whole other story.
As I mentioned he didn’t reply to my drunk text from 3am. Saturday night I texted him again, asking if he was back to normal and asking if he even knew what my name was. This was the start of very long conversations. Turned out he wasn’t as drunk as I thought he was. He knew everything that I told him that evening. Like every detail I ever blabbered about. Which is quite the opposite of Alan. So I knew he was actually listening to me.
I’m not the biggest fan of doctors, so I wasn’t very keen when he told me he was becoming to be one. My opinion has changed completely though. He is so forthcoming and listens to everything I say. He asks about my health (which once more, was just so funny to see the difference between a stranger and Alan. Doc asked so much about my coming operation and stuff). There was a turn in conversation 2 days ago – or so I thought. I felt like he didn’t ask as many questions anymore. Or just seemed annoyed having to talk to me. I guess it was all in my head though. I mean, the texts still don’t fit on one phone screen, so you can imagine how lengthy those are. I told him last night, that he should not feel obliged to text me, even less in that length. That I do find him interesting, but don’t want to interrupt him doing things. To which he replied “that’s nice of you, but I text you because I want to and not because I feel obliged. So don’t worry about that”. I just had that feeling. He’s that kind of guy who’s just being nice to everyone and I don’t want to get my hopes up for nothing. I do think he is not interested romantically, but I just enjoy getting to know him. We’ll see how things are going and where it will lead us.

Also I found out that he’s 3 years younger than me, so that’s a thing. I just don’t think I’m his type of girl. He’s what you could call “out of my league”.