exboyfriends.

feelings

Sometimes I hate these feelings. I was driving home from a night out with Mr. Cucu just now and listening to an old CD of mine. A song came on called “hello” (in German). It’s about how long that person hasn’t seen the other for so long and how weird it is to see them.. saying their goodbyes but him then asking her not to leave the room, but knowing she will go either way even though he doesn’t want that.
Could it be any more accurate to my situation with Kenny? I guess not. At first it was P’s song for me, because I didn’t want him to leave my life (metaphorically)… now… well it’s literally Kenny and I. Oh and by the way, when I was walking through the city today, a truck drove by with “Kenny” saying on it. This is just a nickname I gave him on here, so that was so weird. Everything is so weird. I might go crazy here.

I started remembering things whilst listening to that song:
I sometimes get a feeling when I’m saying my final goodbye to someone. It started back when I was leaving my hostfamily in 2009. I said goodbye to my hostfather, and I just knew it would be the last time ever. One could say, he’s at the other end of the world, so it’s pretty obvious that I won’t get to see him again. But I was dead set on going back to OZ once I finish my apprenticeship. That would have been in 2013 and I’m still here, not having visited him once ever since.
Then the thing with P happened. When I left his house back on September 10th, I just knew it would be the last time. Although there was no evidence as why I should think so, I knew. It’s why I wanted to go back there so badly that very same evening. Everything looked fine. We were dating, we were taking things somewhat slowly. There was no evidence of us falling out. But… it was the last time I’ve seen him, and right now it doesn’t seem like I will see him again.
And I had that feeling with Kenny last Friday as well. When he kissed me on my cheek, I knew it would be the last thing I’d get from him. No looking back. And probably not seeing him ever again. I mean this is my decision, obviously. But is it? We’ve seen each other almost every year at carnival. But I have a feeling this was the last time we met.

I hate this feeling. I really hate it, for it has been right all the time. I get that feeling with patients as well. When I’d tell a colleague, that I have a feeling he/she will die soon. And they do. Even if there is no evidence or symptoms of that patient being at any huge health risk. It happened twice this year already.

I don’t want it. It hurts to know. And I don’t even want to think about what it would be like to not have Kenny in my life anymore. But I guess I need to learn and accept the truth. It doesn’t look very good right now. Haven’t heard from him since he told me to fuck off because I was stressing him out.

I thought being busy all the time would help. I met 2 friends today, when I usually don’t see many friends in 2 weeks. And it was good. Really good to catch up and get my mind off things – at least a little. But now that I’m back home, the loneliness is even harder to bear.

Time. Much time. And little patience.

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my 2017.

I was talking to a friend the other day on our way to work. Out of the blue she stated:  “I’m so glad 2017 will be over soon“. Of course I asked her why she thinks so, and she just said that it had been a shitty year. This of course got me thinking. Yes, it definitely has been a shitty year. For me as well.

Just a short recap of my love life:
It started out with the failed date with Yavin. I’ve never ever heard back from him since. Fortunately it didn’t take me too long to get over him, since I’ve never actually met him in reality. I mean I cut my hair short because of him, which was positive, since I had been planning on it a while and never actually went through with it. But it was a pretty crappy way to begin the new year with.

Shortly after I met up with Alan, who I’d known for ages before. I was so happy about meeting him. He felt like “the one”. Sadly I realised with our first argument 3 months later, that he definitely wasn’t the one. He ghosted me after I told him what I wanted. I had tried for like 2 months to talk to him, talk about this whole thing, even save the relationship. But I’ve never heard back from him. I was done with love by then. I was so sad about the break-up that actually wasn’t one at all. I had lost my hope in true love. All seemed so perfect in the beginning.

I decided to concentrate on school from then on. At least it was my final year, I had my essay to write, I had exams to take. There was enough going on to get my mind off things. I think early July when I met Doc on a party was when things started to change. I went out with my friends more, I did school work and so on. However, I still felt lonely. I wanted to get my mind off with other men. So I recreated my Tinder profile.

This is where I met Paraplegic. Early August he messaged me. I wasn’t sure about him, he seemed different. But I just got over myself and met him on August 24th. From then on things changed. I was so happy, I was my old bubbly self. I’ve moved on from Alan. Unfortunately his father passed away on September 13th, which set a huge stone in our path. Everything changed. He backed away. Completely.
I have not met P ever since, and yet I’m still here thinking about him daily. I thought I needed to forget about him, so I recreated Tinder once again early December. I’ve met a few decent guys on there, but there was no intention on actually meeting them in reality. I knew it would take a while to get over P, but I had not imagined it to be that long.
He’s back again. Somewhat. When he asked to see me again. And we’ll see how this continues in 2018.


So yes, looking at 2017 this way, it has been pretty damn shitty. My heart got broken with every try of dating someone. Not once, not twice, but three times. I had given up on love completely a few times, too. And yet, now sitting here, reflecting on the year, I don’t feel bad about it. I believe in love, no matter the outlook right now.

I got to experience – what I feel like might be – true love. I have met incredible people, I’ve found new true friends in school, that I will not trade for anything. I’ve got more presents than the last few years, and well thought-out presents at that! I got accepted for my dream job next year. I’m finally finishing school in just 2 months. I’m back on good terms with my brother. I have a loving relationship with my nephew and niece. There’s not much more I could ask for. I get love from the people around me. And although I might go into 2018 without a boyfriend and feeling somewhat lonely, I’m loved. And perspective is all that is needed in life.

Yes, it has been a shitty year. But a lesson I have learnt just recently is: if I focus on positive things in my life, I will be happy, no matter the circumstances. There’s never going to be all good or all bad. It’ll always be a mix between the two. Sometimes the bad overweighs, sometimes the good. What is important, is to focus on the positive and move on. Reach for my dreams, fight for what I want. And then life is worth it. It is worth the struggle, the hurt, the tears.

Your life is worth what you make out of it. And that’s how I want to end 2017 and start 2018. And although right now P doesn’t seem to be in a place I want him to be, I know he’ll be back in my life in some way. I had hoped to see him before New year’s eve, so as to let the heartbreak in the old year – if it ends up like that. But it’s not gonna happen and that’s perfectly fine as well. I know there are a few people that do think he’s playing with me, but I’m giving it a try nonetheless.
Without darkness, there is no light. Without hurt, there is no love. If there’s an 50% chance of me ending up hurt about him, I still have a 50% chance to end up happy with him. And that’s worth it and what I’ve decided to focus on.

I’m living my life. I fight for what I want, no matter what anyone else says. The one thing I’ve learnt from 2017 is: to trust my gut and just do whatever feels right to me. Because no one else has to live my life but me, no one else knows how things feel, so no one can decide what is right for me.

Merry Christmas and a happy new year, lovely readers. Thank you for being here.

it was just sex!

Now I remember why I started writing that last post… I did not even mention the reason at all. I completely forgot, once I started typing. Just once more shows how messed up my mind is.

Well, this is going to be a short one then:
Ken texted me last week about an article that people in my area have the highest masturbation rate. Or whatever. I asked him why he only texted me with things like that. The last time he texted me was about him finding “our” handcuffs we used when we were together. He denied it at first, but then realised that he actually does only text me when it comes to sex.

He then said “in our relationship it was all about sex, right?”. And although it has been 3 years since we broke up and I never truly loved that dude… this fucking hurt. There were feelings involved on my side and he had confessed his love for me early on. So realising he has actually put our relationship down to just sex. It hurt. So I just replied “well that’s not my opinion, but okay”. Him: “well it was mostly about sex”.

I was in no mood to talk to him any longer at this point. He tried to start some small talk, which included “why are you single?”, when he didn’t actually know whether I was.
Just this week I got a message from an unknown number, asking as well why I still was single. Why do people just keep thinking I will never get into a relationship?
Yes, the last 4 years have thoroughly sucked when it comes to love on my part… but that doesn’t mean I may find love myself again some day! And especially my ex-boyfriends should know I am not keen on showing everybody on social media, since I am hesitant for obvious reason that it may end soon again.

That just sucked. And even though it would have never worked out, hearing it was just all about sex… hurts. A lot. And it wasn’t even the first time something like that happened (remember Stan? He’d said I was only good for sex as well). I mean it’s a plus. It means I’m actually good at it *lol* but I’d rather be a good girlfriend, y’know.

That’s all for the rambling. Good night!

Plan B starts now!

The thing with Matt ended up being a very short fling. Not because I didn’t want to invest any time, but because I ended up at the same exact spot like with P.
I wanted to see Matt again, so I asked him when we could meet up next. He got very quiet after we’ve seen each other last week, and he didn’t reply for a while. He then said that it’s gonna be hard to find time from now on. I found this hilarious, since he had given me so many possible dates when we first started talking about it. So I just gave up. Rethinking about the situation, he probably didn’t ‘feel’ the same thing as me. And that’s totally fine. It was good to somewhat help get over P.

I say somewhat. Because I have been thinking about P a little more again. I guess mostly because I have spent some time with people that know about the situation. My colleagues and other friends don’t even know about him, neither does my mom. So no questions. But I had 2 days of school and everyone asked about him, so of course my thoughts have surfaced. Two friends even gave me a present connected to him, they bought it when we were still dating. I know they meant well, but I told them I could not use it right now, since I still can’t seem to shake him off completely.
I did however finally realise that it’s not gonna work. There’s no need to invest any more feelings and time into him. Because if I’ve learned one thing over the last few failed (attempts of) relationships, it’s that if the effort is one-sided, there’s no need to continue. It doesn’t matter how much it feels right to me, how much I know we would work out quite well, if he doesn’t feel the need to be interested in my life, there’s no point. No matter how much I feel felt towards him. No matter how right it felt to me, it is NOT the ‘right thing’ if it’s just you in it.
Yes, it hurts. A shit tone at that. But I need to remember this. Since I returned from my holidays I heard from him twice. Twice in 3 weeks, whilst we used to text every. single. day. And that’s how things roll since I have stopped putting in any effort. And that’s what I got, so I need to accept this.

I was able to push these thoughts away during work. I was exhausted in the evenings, so I didn’t really have time to think about him. But lately… I miss him again.
And I’m angry. And disappointed that even though he felt the same connection, he did not want to overcome his worries and just give us a try. Yes, I’m angry. I’m so mad at him, because I know we would have matched so well. I’m even mad that not even did he NOT give us a chance, but he denied seeing me again at all. He’s a coward. And that makes me sad. Sad that he would not give love a try, because there was nothing to lose, really.
I hope one day he realises what he’s lost. I wish I could say one day when it wouldn’t be too late. But I guess that already happened. You know… I could have hung on… but I needed some sort of interest. And him not even replying to normal questions anymore… well he’s gone.

A week or so ago, I realised that I have given up, when I started changing my plan of life. I know that when I met P, I thought I might spend New Year’s Eve with him, since I could get to his place by 12am (I’m working a late shift that day). I didn’t make plans in hope that he would come back and make plans.
It got as far as me not wanting to apply for a job, because it would mean moving even further away from him –  my thoughts being “what if we decides to come back and we start dating by then again?!”
But I have given up. Truly so. I will apply for that job as soon as I can (March 2018). I will move to that city, away from everyone. I will do what feels right for me right now – without anyone in mind but me. And even though I always said I could never live alone, I have now realised that I cannot depend on ever finding someone and – I actually can live by myself – it’s just a mindset I needed to change. I need to live my life – my way. And that’s what I’m doing now. I plan it without anyone in it, because you’ll never know if what you wish for will happen. I always wanted family by now, but that didn’t happen either. I can’t force myself to think I will ever get it. I need to plan my life – Plan B.

date with exboyfriend

I knew it. I just had a feeling.

So my exboyfriend – Matt – came over to my place today. Just some backstory of “us”:
Matt and I dated in March 2005 (when I was 14) and I had my very first kiss with him. He stayed the weekend back then and we were “together”. We had been together for a month or so a year back, but never had seen each other (you know, that was a thing haha, internet dating and such). After that weekend we spent together, he texted me saying that he was going to stay single, since he wasn’t over his exgirlfriend quite yet. Well, they ended up back together shortly after. They had broken up just before we first met up and I was heartbroken of course. It took quite a while to get over him.
We have been in contact over the years. In the beginning mostly when he was single and needed a distraction. When we grew up we had contact whenever. Some years a little more than others, but mostly for birthdays. The last time I’ve seen him (as a friend) was in September 2011. Because of jealous girlfriends, our schedules and I guess missing interest, we never met up again.

He texted me for my birthday this year as usual and we started talking. We always do, and the conversation subsides after a few days. He however more or less invited himself over to my place this time, so he could see my mom and me again. We set a day (actually first it would have been in a week, but my boss put me on work duty, so we changed the date to today). I wasn’t sure if we would go through with it, because I never heard back from him until last night. He asked what time he should come over. So that seemed set.

He texted me this afternoon what the name of my mom was *lol* I told him and waited. He then texted me around 2pm that he was outside and was afraid to come in, so he would have a cigarette and then come in. I went outside, so he wouldn’t have to face me and my mom all at once. He smirked when he saw me, and then came over to me with a HUGE flower. We hugged hello and he said it was my birthday present. We talked and teased like we used to all along.
We then went inside, had some coffee and just talked with my mom for 2 hours. About pretty much everything. We hadn’t truly updated on each other’s life, so 6 years is a lot of time to catch up on.

After about 2 hours I got that urge to be alone with him. I just wanted to cuddle up with him, not even talk but be with him. I don’t know why I felt thatway, but I did. I didn’t act on it however. I didn’t know how he felt. I just know he recently broke up with his girlfriend (our mutual friend told me) and that he pretty much hates his exgirlfriend now – that’s what he told me himself. So I just left it be.

At around 4.30pm he said he would head home soon. So I walked him to his car, where he smoked another cigarette and he asked me when we would see each other next. I told him I was free whenever, and he told me to come over to his place next time (since it’s always him coming to me, and we are about an 1-hour drive apart). We hugged goodbye for quite a while. I really had that urge to kiss him, but I knew it wouldn’t be a good thing to do. For himself because of his breakup, but also for myself since the situation with P is not really solved at all.

But.

I have this urge to see him again. I miss him. I want to cuddle him. And I’m not sure why I have these feelings. Whether they are old feelings resurfacing or if it’s just the ‘homely’ feeling, because we’ve known each other half our lives (15 years to be precise). Or even the frustration of not getting what I wanted from P?!
When he asked me what he should do tonight, I even said he was welcome to come over again. He just laughed. It’s weird really. I hope to see him again soon, so to find out what this is exactly. Whether my mind is just fucked up, or it may be something.

We’ll see what this mess of emotions and my mind is going to lead to.

work parties and P

Before my mind is all fogged with other things, I wanted to type out what has happened over the last week and yesterday.

As I mentioned in my last post, I told P how I felt about him not taking any care of our friendship. Since I didn’t get an answer to my very long text message, something in me ‘broke’. Not in a bad way, but I realised that I finally will be able to let go of him for good. I know my last post sounded very hopeful, but I think that lasted about a day and then I was done with this catch-me-if-you-can-game. I knew that if he ever returned, I’d be open for giving it a try. But I was done chasing for his attention and anything else. I did not text him again. Of course he was on my mind every now and then, but busy work fortunately has kept my mind off him mostly. And left me exhausted in the evening, so that I went to bed around 9pm and no time for overthinking either.

Surprisingly I had no problems not texting him this time. This is why I know I was able to make a cut for real. It was so hard for me over the last 2 months when he started to retreat, but now I was just done fighting for something that was one-sided. I didn’t hear from him at all. Yesterday morning he texted me a picture, that – probably – should have been funny. It read: “Once upon a time there was a prince, who proposed to a very beautiful princess. She answered: NO!!! .. and then the prince lived happily ever after, did whatever he wanted to do. THE END.”
I guess y’all know that this was somewhat just awkward. I know it’s his kind of humour and he’s sent me things like this before. But in this current situation it was just wrong and I’m not sure what he had expected to get from it. There was radio silence for 8 days and then that’s what he sent without any comment. I just replied “life would be that much easier this way, huh?”

I didn’t get an answer and I didn’t care. I went out to a work party last night and did not think of him once. I flirted hardcore with a colleague, who has been hitting on me since I started working at this place (3 years ago) and it was fun. There will never come anything out of it, since he’s married and like 15 years older than me. But you know, it was good for my ego. He kept throwing balls at me to get my attention or bumping into me whilst dancing. Even when I first sat down at the table and he happened to be there as well (really, it was not my intention!), he kept trying to catch my eye and smiled at me whenever. It’s just a thing with us and that’s completely fine. He doesn’t usually overact on the flirting bit (getting touchy or something like that), so it’s good for my ego mostly. And like I said, it’s been that way for the last 3 years and nothing ever happened, so all is fine. He also was sober – I think – so I wasn’t afraid anything would happen, especially around everyone that was there. It was just good to get the attention. And I texted him this morning about something we talked about last night, and he just said how I flirted with him, to which I just said he started with that game. He complimented me on my “eye game”. He’s a funny one.

The work party was fun overall. At first I wasn’t too sure, since I am somewhat antisocial when it comes to people I don’t know very well. I kept being with the ones I knew… but at some point I was playing table tennis with said guy, and he went away and all of a sudden I was playing table tennis with 3 people I didn’t even know the name of. One of them was hitting on me big time and I have seen him before, but never really talked to him. So that was fun.

Anyway. Once I got home (by 3.30am!!) I texted P, figuring there was nothing to lose. And also letting him know I was still having a life without dating him. Just asked how he was dealing and he texted me saying “not too bad, what about you? You know, I was in Italy last weekend”. Once more I can’t translate it word by word, but it sounded like ‘I was away last weekend and that’s why I didn’t text all week’, which makes no sense whatsoever. But I’m done thinking about why he has or has not texted me. If he wants to talk to me, he can. I’m not putting any effort in this anymore until he knows what he wants.

Now why I’m typing this out right now with a somewhat clear mind? In 2 hours my exboyfriend will come over. I haven’t seen him in 6 years, so that’ll be awkward. But he pretty much invited himself over when we were talking on my birthday. So that should be interesting. Maybe this will make a new post, or maybe it’s just gonna be friendly chatter (I guess so).

Until then…

 

back from Dubai!

I’m back from holidays. Have been for a while, but since I caught the flu on Tuesday and have been in bed ever since, I wasn’t in the mood to write. Still am not, but gotta update this page on a few things.

I had such a good time in Dubai! I mostly forgot about P and really was happy for the first time in a while without any worries. I needn’t worry whether he had texted or how he meant what he wrote, because I simply couldn’t see if he texted me at all. That took the edge completely off. I needn’t worry about anything.

I did not end up texting him before my flight took off when I left on the 22nd (because I accidentally bumped into Ken at the airport, which is a whole other story in itself *lol*), so we had been on non-contact since 3 days, because he simply didn’t text me anymore. Nothing new here. When I returned last week, I got a few messages of him he sent me on the 23rd (although he knew I’d left the day before). He wished me a nice holiday and “don’t go too wild ^^ like, without me…
I found this funny, just the way he worded that. So when I returned a week later I told him I was back and that I’ve had a nice week. We texted a bit (him mainly telling me that it’s normal to get proposed to down there – which is true). I sent him a picture to which he didn’t say much, so I let him be and went abroad once more (although I had internet there).

Then was my birthday on Tuesday. I didn’t hear from him for 3 days (until I texted him again). I did not expect him to remember my birthday, since I only told him once. It would have been cute, but I wasn’t mad at him for that. Once again the conversation didn’t flow too long.
I texted him AGAIN the day after. We texted a little and I wanted test our ground. I wasn’t able to tell how he was feeling towards us, so I said “so could you stop thinking of me, since I can’t stop sneezing for 3 days…?!” (being playful and all) to which he replied “maybe it’s a guy from your holidays, not me 😅” – now that I read it again, he might not have meant it the way I took it, but I’m not sure.
That definitely wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but was pretty straight forward telling me he was not thinking about me, I guess. I just said “well that has been pretty clear, good night then”. I was pissed. Really pissed. He just asked whether I was tired already and sent that emoji: 🙈. I replied “no”. For me it sounded like he hadn’t been thinking about me, but now a few days later, maybe he suggested it could be someone else apart from him?! I don’t know.
Did not get anything back and knew I would not get anything at all. So I went to sleep.

The next day I texted him again (will I ever learn?). We had a brief conversation. He kept it up. Sent me videos of his fireworks he was doing. We talked about my phobia. He told me I should come along once he does one, so I can face my fears – I didn’t react to it, since I knew he wasn’t serious about it. This time I was the one not to reply to his emojis, there was no need to.
I asked myself whether he was talking like that to all the girls. I really can’t tell and therefore have no idea where I stand.

So, what do I make of this? I don’t know. I have mostly given up on the hope of us working out. I’m glad I could gain some distance whilst being abroad. I have not gotten any sort of affection from him whatsoever since I’ve been back. I was devastated on Thursday, but then I realised that it was okay. I knew beforehand that this would happen. The more distance we put between us, the worse it’ll get. And it’s okay. I will have him as a friend for now and if he ever decides he wants to see me again or take a step forward, then I am very happy to be here. But I can’t just wait on him, and do all the work of keeping the contact. It is a loss of course, I remember how perfect everything felt to me… but if he doesn’t share this opinion, there’s no need to pursue a relationship on my behalf. Maybe the timing was wrong, maybe we simply weren’t meant to be. Or maybe he just needs some more time.
I’ll “move on”. Keep him in my life as a friend for now and see where things are leading.

 

On a whole other level: my exboyfriend turned up again. Nope, not Alan. One that has been long before I started that blog (I had my first real kiss with him when I was 14, so you see). He always remembers my birthday ever since we’ve known each other, which is cute. It’s usually around these times we talk, but then the contact decreases again. For some reason he invited himself over to my place and he’ll be around in 3 weeks. It’s weird, but I’m somewhat excited to see him again (it’s been 6 years since I last seen him).
Also Kenny is back. On my behalf. I had been thinking of him lately and I figured I could just text him (mainly about the sneezing part, because he was the one starting that game). Who knows what all of this will bring – I am not interested in dating, don’t get me wrong. It would feel so bad for me, since my heart still lays with P although I don’t want to. But there’s no harm in getting attention somewhere else, right?

Plus my encounter with Ken. I was waiting with a friend to check in, when someone called my last name. I got really anxious, because I thought I had done something wrong until I looked at the person that called and recognised Ken. He found it very funny that I was so shocked and we had a short banter. It was nice to see him and took off some of the anxiety I had been experiencing (always do on airports).