Sometimes I hate these feelings. I was driving home from a night out with Mr. Cucu just now and listening to an old CD of mine. A song came on called “hello” (in German). It’s about how long that person hasn’t seen the other for so long and how weird it is to see them.. saying their goodbyes but him then asking her not to leave the room, but knowing she will go either way even though he doesn’t want that.
Could it be any more accurate to my situation with Kenny? I guess not. At first it was P’s song for me, because I didn’t want him to leave my life (metaphorically)… now… well it’s literally Kenny and I. Oh and by the way, when I was walking through the city today, a truck drove by with “Kenny” saying on it. This is just a nickname I gave him on here, so that was so weird. Everything is so weird. I might go crazy here.
I started remembering things whilst listening to that song:
I sometimes get a feeling when I’m saying my final goodbye to someone. It started back when I was leaving my hostfamily in 2009. I said goodbye to my hostfather, and I just knew it would be the last time ever. One could say, he’s at the other end of the world, so it’s pretty obvious that I won’t get to see him again. But I was dead set on going back to OZ once I finish my apprenticeship. That would have been in 2013 and I’m still here, not having visited him once ever since.
Then the thing with P happened. When I left his house back on September 10th, I just knew it would be the last time. Although there was no evidence as why I should think so, I knew. It’s why I wanted to go back there so badly that very same evening. Everything looked fine. We were dating, we were taking things somewhat slowly. There was no evidence of us falling out. But… it was the last time I’ve seen him, and right now it doesn’t seem like I will see him again.
And I had that feeling with Kenny last Friday as well. When he kissed me on my cheek, I knew it would be the last thing I’d get from him. No looking back. And probably not seeing him ever again. I mean this is my decision, obviously. But is it? We’ve seen each other almost every year at carnival. But I have a feeling this was the last time we met.
I hate this feeling. I really hate it, for it has been right all the time. I get that feeling with patients as well. When I’d tell a colleague, that I have a feeling he/she will die soon. And they do. Even if there is no evidence or symptoms of that patient being at any huge health risk. It happened twice this year already.
I don’t want it. It hurts to know. And I don’t even want to think about what it would be like to not have Kenny in my life anymore. But I guess I need to learn and accept the truth. It doesn’t look very good right now. Haven’t heard from him since he told me to fuck off because I was stressing him out.
I thought being busy all the time would help. I met 2 friends today, when I usually don’t see many friends in 2 weeks. And it was good. Really good to catch up and get my mind off things – at least a little. But now that I’m back home, the loneliness is even harder to bear.
Time. Much time. And little patience.