voice message

Today I saw a picture of P tagged in it. It was of a party that took place last Saturday. I don’t know why, but it really upset me. It wasn’t like we had set any plans and he cancelled, he didn’t even ask me. He didn’t tell me either he was free. He actually did tell me he had been busy all weekend. But it upset me nonetheless.

I realised that I really need to talk to him about it. My feelings haven’t changed and it’s not like I don’t trust my gut feeling anymore. But I just need to hear it from him – some sort of reassurance he’s still feeling something (or well… he is not – either way). Since the texting has decreased immensely (every 2 days or so) and also has gotten a lot more shallow… I don’t know. I’m just scared he isn’t interested anymore. A lot of things speak for him slowly backing away, yet my gut feeling is telling me otherwise. Of course I am scared that he actually is not interested anymore. Or that I am pushing him away by being so damn clingy. But I just need to know how he’s feeling. What actually is going on. Despite my fear.
I am worried that he’ll leave. I am terrified. Now I at least still have him every other day. I can imagine being with him, that imagination is not destroyed yet. He still is my “dream boy”. If he tells me this is over, I will be devastated. A lot more than ever before. Simply because I had that feeling, that feeling that kept me going. And if this was wrong, I don’t know if I can ever trust my gut ever again. I am actually freaking terrified, which leaves me wondering whether I should actually talk to him about it. But whether he tells me tonight or any other day in the future… it will always hurt. Right?!

So. I have recorded a voice message for all of this. I don’t want any misunderstandings and that he can listen to my voice. Listen to my worries. Not just some plain text. A voice.

I told him that the situation is hard for me to judge whether his distance was because of me or the situation overall. That I do not want to pressure him and I do understand what he says and he gives me no reason to worry… but because of the lack of communication and my interpretation into things, my worries returned. For example when he got drunk the very next day after I asked him to meet, that I wondered whether he didn’t want to see me. And that I do not have any problems with not seeing him and waiting, but that I would love to see him and will be abroad in 2 weeks. That we could meet for just a couple of hours instead of a sleepover. But that I would wait for him, if he needed. But I didn’t know if he just didn’t want to see ME or whether it’d be too much right now, or he’s still too hurt because of the whole situation. But that I also don’t want to bother him too much by texting. Also saying again that I don’t need us to be in a relationship, I don’t want to be another burden to him, but that I just need some reassurance,  because I worry that he’s not interested anymore.
I made clear that I don’t expect the situation to change, but to let him know how I feel about the situation. That I would stop texting if he needed the distance. But that I needed some “direction” in all of this.

I think I will send it tonight, but yes, I am terrified of the answer – if one will come.




After last post, I figured I had to let you know that I am still very much alive. I cried myself to sleep that night, but it did me well. (Although I still haven’t heard from him ever since)

I don’t know where the tears came from, but it was freeing. You know how people tell you that crying is freeing? It really is. I haven’t cried in so long, that I was wondering what was wrong with me. I’m not a huge crier at all, don’t get me wrong. But the sadness I had felt over the last couple of weeks was bound to make me cry, but I never did cry. I felt the tears in my mind, but not in my eyes. Since that night I’ve been waking up with tear stains down my face in the morning, not remembering that I cried… so there’s that.

However. Ever since that crying disaster, I have been feeling a lot better. I am not sure for what reason. Probably for the lack of time thinking about him. Maybe because I have continued that letter I am sending to him (and yes I decided to send it. One last try to make this work). Some part probably is, because writing that letter made me have some (last) hope. I had been daydreaming about him finally understanding what this was all about. And getting a last conversation to make it all clear to him and working through this. Together. Another part probably is, having finally understood, that there is nothing to be sad about. If he doesn’t want to be with me and fight through this, he is not worth my sadness over him. I’m pretty sure it’s gonna be too much work for him to fight for me (for the little outcome he gets). Yet there still is that tiny sparkle of hope left. But we’ll see, I guess. I’ve had the longest time to accept this, maybe I finally did.

Either way, things will move forward – one way or the other. And I need to accept this and be happy. Either with or without him.

I’m sure once this is all gone for good. Like, once he’s back home (which by the way is in a week) and does not reply to my letters or doesn’t want to work through this, the sadness will return. But then the healing can start, because there’s nothing left to do. I’ve done all I possibly can.
My friend told me yesterday that I’ve done way too much to save this relationship. And I know that I have. But I do not want to have to ask myself in the future, why I hadn’t tried everything to save this relationship. Maybe once he’s back, I don’t even want this anymore. Who really knows? My emotions have been all over the place for the last 5 weeks. What else is bound to happen to me? Seriously though. Alan has showed me love again, when I had lost all hope of ever getting that feeling again. We’ve had a wonderful 2 months and I will forever treasure those moments in me. So there’s nothing lost. I’d had a good time with him. If it’s not meant to be, so be it. I have found my purpose in life over the last 5 weeks, which is accepting that I cannot rely my life on finding a man and create a family. I have found that purpose in my work. Helping others. That’s all I can do for now. Everything else I will figure out whilst on the way.

the talk

It’s funny how much you can build up your emotions and once you talk about them, it’s all good again. As I mentioned in my last post I have been thinking about several little problems in Alan’s and my relationship. I started to freak out, because I didn’t want to throw the relationship away. All day long on Monday I started to write a text, to explain to Alan what was going through my head. I knew it wasn’t the best of choices to text him – instead of talking to him face to face – but I also knew it was the only one I could bare at the moment. I was so afraid that he would freak out again like in our first and last argument. And so I knew I had to tell him those things. But I pushed it aside all day long and in the evening I really didn’t want to text him. What was the big deal about it? But I knew I had to, to not make things worse.

I sent him the text Monday night about how I was scared to ever argue with him and therefore was hiding my (negative) feelings, because of what had happened before. I explained to him, how I was annoyed about his time management and sleep pattern. Long story short, his reply:

I thought we had talked about that situation (argument) and were done with it. In that moment I didn’t realise why you were acting the way you did and you didn’t reply to my questions. Of course I know it was wrong not to hug you, and I’m sorry. But back then I was so confused, that I didn’t know how to react. I hope you can forgive me?
And I am planning my homework now, and do get up earlier…  so things are slowly changing. But I’ve never been the one to get up at 8am on a weekend, give me some more time for that.


So really, that was it. A huge weight was lifted from me and we were done with arguing. And I felt so much better – or so I thought.

As I mentioned before we had planned to see each other on Tuesday night. He had told me he would be over at 5pm. When he texted me on Tuesday afternoon, he told me that he had to go back home first. It was 2pm, so I knew he could still make it in time. He didn’t reply again,… when finally at 4pm he told me he would be over at 7pm. Honestly? I was so annoyed. Again. What the fuck was he doing for 2 hours, not even bothering to let me know that the time would change.
But then thought I need to calm the fuck down. He texted me again at 5pm that he’s just changing trains and I asked him where he was exactly. No more reply for an hour and I was so annoyed. I sent him another text – letting him feel how annoyed I was. To which he then suddenly replied. He had met a guy he knew on the train and wasn’t on his phone. I was annoyed because I had planned on picking him up on the train station. Of course, once more this was a miscommunication, as I hadn’t told him so.

All was good in the end though. I didn’t feel strange anymore. Kissing him didn’t feel wrong. It was all back to normal. And I am so glad about this.

the talk happened.

Today feels like eternity.

I woke up early again today due to Kenny’s early work shift. I don’t mind, I like chatting with him. Somehow he got angry with me in the morning when I asked if I should switch off my head/heart or whatever. He asked if I was trying to make him mad. I left it at that, went on a walk and then decided to just ask. What was there to lose? “You  know what I’d like to know or what would help me? What do you expect or want from this situation with us?” I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to hear the answer. But I knew I needed it. I needed to hear it.

I don’t have any expectations… I don’t really hope for anything either… I’m just enjoying and we’ll see where things’ll go. What about you?

I tried to explain without actually saying that I am having problems with not expecting anything (I said “I try more or less not to hope for anything”). He didn’t get the clue and said:

As long as we both don’t have any expectations it’s great 😉

You might understand that I was not too satisfied with this answer. I mean the first part was okay, I was actually more than okay with that answer, because “we’ll see where things are head” is not negative at all, now is it? But the second one just pointed towards just sex. I was having trouble talking to him afterwards. I really did. I got very distant. After a while he asked whether I was angry and I just replied “No, I’m not angry or anything. I got the answer I wanted and am going to act the way you expect me to. Everything’s great :-)” His reply was awful: “:-D 😀 😀 great!”… ummm. okay.

The anger always helps me get over someone. Always has. But somehow it still felt wrong, I don’t know why. I didn’t want to give up or lose him quite yet. Maybe I’m just a masochist. I texted him about an hour ago if everything was okay, because he wouldn’t answer my texts anymore and he said that everything was fine. He asked if I was okay as well to which I said “Hmm.. I don’t really know actually.” He asked what was bothering me but I brushed it off. He didn’t reply anymore. And I don’t expect to have a text message tomorrow morning either.

You see, the thing is. I don’t know why, but I don’t believe that he’s just looking for sex. I’m trying to convince myself that he is, but I feel like there’s more to it. My gut is telling me that he is hiding something. And although everything points towards just having fun, I feel like there are emotions involved, not just with me. He wouldn’t have stopped talking to me after what I said about acting how he wants me to, would he? Either he just needs the reassurance or the confidence-boost I gave him with my emotionally bubbling, or he really is interested. Or maybe I’m just hoping for that fairytale in my life of a guy I’ve known half my life, that told me 13 years ago, he would love to end up with me one day and just don’t want to see the truth.
I have no idea, I guess I have to keep on going and find out.

I fucking hate this game.

will he ever understand?

Stan sent me flowers today. A lot of them. And a heart bracelet. It was cute. I did smile when I read the card, but it was unlike when Momo first brought me roses. Why? I do not know.

I woke up in the middle of the night to a message of him. I had texted him last night, because he hadn’t texted me for another 5 hours. It’s unlike him and it’s starting to annoy me. Why does he do something like that? I do not know.
I don’t really know what you’re trying to do. Or what is going on in your head, why you don’t text me anymore. Are you busy? Don’t you want to talk to me? Do you think you’re distracting me? I do not know. What I miss or would help me, is the old you. The old you I could laugh with, could be silly with. When we were fooling around all the time. That’s who I fell in love with. Not the overthinking, sad, depressive one. I can’t be happy, when you are acting like that. I do think I could fall in love with you all over again, if I would get that back.

He texted me back at 1am (he never goes to bed so late, so why is he doing it ever since our ‘break-up’?). He kept rambling about how I still don’t show him that I have feelings – which I told him I don’t have – that he’s just sad when he’s around me. That he’s asking himself if he really is so bad – I never said he was. That he is asking himself if he really deserves to be ignored – do I ignore him when I text him all the time and he doesn’t?… he keeps saying that I am punishing him with my behaviour. To this day, I do not know what he means. How he’s not doing anything right. As I said, he’s just repeating himself over and over again – putting him as the “punished” one, the poor one who is treated so badly by me. Do I really? I don’t feel like I do.

So at 5am when I just woke up I texted him back:
“Why am I happy with everyone else but you then? Because you never laugh, you’re not happy and that makes me stay quiet. As I have said several times before, I do not think you’re a bad person. What upsets me right now, is that YOU are the one to ignore me, not the other way around. You don’t text me for several hours or the whole day, although you would have time to do so. Yes I do not text you whilst I am at work, because I am busy. Your mobile fell out of your trousers on Saturday? I do not believe this – because every other day you control about 5 times if you really have your phone on you. Did it fall out again yesterday? You know my problem is that I don’t trust you anymore, I start to ask myself questions I never even thought about before. You know what I first thought when you didn’t text me on Saturday? Whether you are at another girl’s house.
Why I don’t text you when I reach a place? Because I usually don’t even know if you’re alive or not, so why should I do that? Did I not text you all day long or was it you? You cannot expect me to text you all day long when you don’t reply.”

Big surprise? He didn’t answer to any of the questions above. Not really a surprise at all, because I knew he was lying to me. I knew he didn’t forget his phone, but that he just didn’t reply. I really don’t even want to know anymore what the reasons are, because.. why should I? I am not the one to get hurt anymore. I have lost my feelings, I did want them back for the sake of him, for the sake of the future I imagined of us. But like this he will just lose me entirely.
He keeps saying how I ignore him or tell him how much he does wrong, when in reality I never said he did anything wrong. I told him that I had wished he would have asked me about my state of mind, when I told him I was not feeling good. But I never said it was wrong. He asks me to trust him again, but how can I when he starts lying more and more? He has a very upsetting past. He has cheated on every of his girlfriends, so why should I be the one he is faithful for? He hasn’t even appreciated that I never mistrusted him for his past. But now these thoughts have crept into my mind and I doubt they will leave again.

dating again? | yet another talk.

I have been thinking about what would have happened if I did go back to him when he was begging. I don’t know why, maybe I wouldn’t have lost the last faith I had in us. Or the emotions.

But let’s start at the beginning. We did meet up the day after. I told him he could come over at 8pm, so we met up at 8pm in front of my house. I wasn’t happy about that meeting place, but on the other hand I was glad I could be home in a minute. He stood somewhere in the grass – I didn’t see him at first – smoking. I wasn’t sure what to feel about him, or the situation. I didn’t know whether I wanted this to be our real break-up-talk or if I wanted this to be a comeback of “us”. I just stood next to him, not saying anything. He knew it had to be him – make that first step after everything he had promised the day before. When he was finished smoking, he turned and just hugged me. I like to be hugged by him, but somehow there were no butterflies. I didn’t like his smokey breath, which never bothered me before. I had to turn my head, so not to smell it. He hugged me for a long time, and after a while I asked him to go sit somewhere.

I’m not going to recall all of our conversation, in the end it was just me telling him all the things I had wanted to tell him on Friday. I explained my feelings and why I react the way I am. I told him that he probably would never understand, but I would also not change. That when I was in pain, I don’t want to be touched and that I need time to myself. Things that he sees differently and that’s totally okay. Nothing wrong with that. I just told him once more – I said that a few weeks ago already – that I doubt that he can manage this.
In the end he just said that there was no choice in managing my personality, just the right questions or acting towards me. He probably is right, I do not know. We hugged again, he kissed my cheek. I don’t know how to feel, I really wanted to have these butterflies again, but even when I kissed him, nothing happened. Do they come back? I don’t know.
I appreciated it that he didn’t even ask me to come over to his place. I had said to him earlier, that I needed to sleep by myself.

When he got home – and I was long asleep – he texted me saying that he really missed me, having me close to him, my warmth, my caressing. That he misses the summer we spent together. Even when we parted the day before he said “I love you” and I couldn’t say it back. I have said to him before, that I would only say it, when I really feel it. The next day he ignored me all day long, even at 9pm I didn’t hear anything from him and I was worried. Was he with another girl? Was he mad? Or was he spending the day with his son? I did not know.
Turns out he was helping a friend move houses. I asked him if he would like to go to the movies tonight, and he said yes. Even now, 30 minutes before the date, I am not sure what to feel. I want it to be like before, I know it won’t. But will these feelings ever come back? I really do hope so, because he is trying. He is trying very hard. But I also know that I cannot force these feelings and time will tell if we can get back to what we had before. Cross your fingers, I’ll let you know later on how it went.

breakup-talk again.

If anyone would have asked me what I was expecting from my conversation with Stan on Friday, I would (and actually did) tell anyone that things will be over afterwards for sure. I talked about it with a few friends at work and one of them said “what if he doesn’t break up with you?” and I just didn’t even consider that option.

I went to our meeting point at the beach early, because I wanted to be alone at the water for a while, yet he was there already. We talked and I can’t recall most of the conversation to be honest. He asked me what I was expecting and I said that I expected him to break this for real now. He asked me why I think that he would ask for this conversation if he did, I said that he wanted to tell me some things. (That not being honest with me wasn’t so bad after all, he just told me that it wasn’t always him who broke up with his girlfriends like he told me in the beginning). Anyway, at some point he lay down and I just really wanted to have one last cuddle with him. You can tell, my mind was set on parting ways after that evening. I laid my head on his chest and started to cry. He asked why I cried and I said that it was breaking my heart to know it was for the last time. He hugged me tight. We cuddled. At some point he kissed me. He kissed me forehead, which brought a new wave of sadness. Until he really kissed me. Why would he kiss me if there was no hope left? I asked if any of the things we did, touched his heart and he said no. I was shattered, yet I couldn’t let go. At some point he had to go for a wee and said “I’m not gonna leave you alone, because there’s a man standing over there” – he was still as protective as ever.
Long story short, we ended up having sex. Why not, break up sex might be a thing? We fell asleep, but as it is freezing I woke up at 12.30am and asked him to get up. We talked some more and I told him that I didn’t think we could work things out. He just asked me if I still would give it a try and I stood there for a good 10 minutes, considering if I still had the strength to fight those demons. I still wasn’t sure if I even wanted this relationship, and knowing he felt the same didn’t help at all. How could it? I don’t know what changed my mind, but I got in his car. We fell asleep next to each other, happy.

I woke up at around 7am, feeling like shit and really regretting that I went. I just wanted to get away from him. As a conversation later on turned out, he felt the same. How are we still getting along with these thoughts? I do not know. Yet we had sex again, as I didn’t tell him what exactly was going on in my head. I canceled my plans with my best friend for him, just to be let down by him 15minutes before an appointment he had set. Great. Thanks. I went home and my mom asked what was going on – as she was still thinking that we broke up. I said that we were still together, but probably would break up soon. She said that I had to be home for dinner. I knew this would be the reason for him to blow up again. So I went back to pick him up from the hair dresser’s and we talked again. I told him straight away that I had to go home for dinner. He got mad, as expected. We talked for another 2 hours or so, being angry and questioning our relationship (I keep asking myself how we got out of these situations, really!). At some point I just told him that he should understand how important he is to me, cancelling my plans with my best friend and my nephew and so on. He said that he knows, and that he’s still here, otherwise he wouldn’t.
We went for a short hike, had sex on the top of a mountain (you see, this is getting a thing), we took our first pictures together. We were happy. And I was terrified of the next fight we would have…

… the thing is. It hasn’t happened yet. He drove me home, without further accusations. We went to his sister’s the next day and had a blast. We fell asleep again last night and got up in the morning. He was kind of cranky in the morning. And I was upset about him fooling with me all the time, getting a little too personal, but I just let it be.
Guys, I can’t tell you if this will work out. Right now I am positive. But who knows how long it’ll take for him to freak out again? I do not know. But what I know is that these “2” (well more 1) days of good times has helped immensely. I just hope it’ll get better, the fights fewer. Without me having to give everything up.

I’m still confused. But this time I’m happily confused.