Today I saw a picture of P tagged in it. It was of a party that took place last Saturday. I don’t know why, but it really upset me. It wasn’t like we had set any plans and he cancelled, he didn’t even ask me. He didn’t tell me either he was free. He actually did tell me he had been busy all weekend. But it upset me nonetheless.
I realised that I really need to talk to him about it. My feelings haven’t changed and it’s not like I don’t trust my gut feeling anymore. But I just need to hear it from him – some sort of reassurance he’s still feeling something (or well… he is not – either way). Since the texting has decreased immensely (every 2 days or so) and also has gotten a lot more shallow… I don’t know. I’m just scared he isn’t interested anymore. A lot of things speak for him slowly backing away, yet my gut feeling is telling me otherwise. Of course I am scared that he actually is not interested anymore. Or that I am pushing him away by being so damn clingy. But I just need to know how he’s feeling. What actually is going on. Despite my fear.
I am worried that he’ll leave. I am terrified. Now I at least still have him every other day. I can imagine being with him, that imagination is not destroyed
yet. He still is my “dream boy”. If he tells me this is over, I will be devastated. A lot more than ever before. Simply because I had that feeling, that feeling that kept me going. And if this was wrong, I don’t know if I can ever trust my gut ever again. I am actually freaking terrified, which leaves me wondering whether I should actually talk to him about it. But whether he tells me tonight or any other day in the future… it will always hurt. Right?!
So. I have recorded a voice message for all of this. I don’t want any misunderstandings and that he can listen to my voice. Listen to my worries. Not just some plain text. A voice.
I told him that the situation is hard for me to judge whether his distance was because of me or the situation overall. That I do not want to pressure him and I do understand what he says and he gives me no reason to worry… but because of the lack of communication and my interpretation into things, my worries returned. For example when he got drunk the very next day after I asked him to meet, that I wondered whether he didn’t want to see me. And that I do not have any problems with not seeing him and waiting, but that I would love to see him and will be abroad in 2 weeks. That we could meet for just a couple of hours instead of a sleepover. But that I would wait for him, if he needed. But I didn’t know if he just didn’t want to see ME or whether it’d be too much right now, or he’s still too hurt because of the whole situation. But that I also don’t want to bother him too much by texting. Also saying again that I don’t need us to be in a relationship, I don’t want to be another burden to him, but that I just need some reassurance, because I worry that he’s not interested anymore.
I made clear that I don’t expect the situation to change, but to let him know how I feel about the situation. That I would stop texting if he needed the distance. But that I needed some “direction” in all of this.
I think I will send it tonight, but yes, I am terrified of the answer – if one will come.