talk

new guys in the mix

So. Things have been progressing. In a very unexpected way, but whatever. I’ll take it.

Haven’t heard from Kenny since I asked for a why. It’s fine, I’m not too upset. When we were talking, I didn’t get that stomach pain I usually get when someone is about to dump me, so I knew I had somehow already gotten over the fact of not getting together with him. However, someone commented on another post saying she had the feeling, he thinks he’s not deserving of me. Like, he thinks he’s not good enough for me and therefore will hurt me in the long run. “I personally think he actually has strong feelings for you and this is his way of protecting you“. This pretty much sums up what I had wanted to say, but was not able to articulate. But I can’t change it. If he can’t get over his sorry self, then that’s his loss. If we’re meant to be, we’ll end up together somewhen. But it needs to be from both sides and for the time being, I’m moving on.

Then to the unexpected turn: Since I was pretty pissed about every men in the world yesterday, I texted P. I told him “so we’re done now, right? Just so I know!”. I was pretty sure he would not text back, because I was pissing him off..  “I thought we’re going out for dinner some time?” was his reply. And my jaw fell to the floor. Or something like that.
Me:  Well, since we haven’t done so in over 2 months I thought the interest is moderate.
Him: You don’t have to think, you need to know! (yet another of one of his stupid ass comments)
Me: Knowing that there is no interest? Well I guess now I  know 😉
Him: Why?
Me: You said I don’t have to think, just to know.. so since I’m not allowed to think, I just know it
Him: No, but when we go out for dinner or to the movies, both of it is wrong…
Me: Knowing and thinking or what? So what do I need to do then? So let’s set a date and not just talk about it and then stop writing…
Didn’t get a reply for half a day and half-expected this to be it. Then I got this: “you gotta feel it 🙂 when and where do you wanna meet up?” This means he wants me to feel his interest, right? Or am I already reading too much into it? Anyway.

So… we’ve set a date for Friday night in a week. I still do not believe in actually seeing him that day, but I am very eager to find out how this’ll turn out. Talked to a friend about it and she asked if I will be back to how we were in September. But I honestly can’t tell. It’s been 6 months. Lots has happened in the mean time, and we’ve grown apart. But maybe we’re back at where we left? Maybe the spark will return when we stand in front of each other? Maybe there’s nothing left of the feelings I had towards him. I have absolutely no idea… I’ll just be open and see what happens, I guess.

Then to yet another guy… yep that’s me. Chaos.
I told you that I’m still on Tinder. I messaged every match the other day and started messaging back and forth with Marty. I wasn’t too keen on him, but realised he really liked me. So we exchanged numbers and started really talking. Now I actually like him as well…
The thing is, for me he’s not a Tinder guy. We’ve bumped into each other in school before, so I know what he looks like and we’ve seen each other quite a few times (well every morning for a few months, actually). We never talked in real life, so it’s funny to see this happening. He was in a relationship back then, which might explain all of this. But we’re getting along quite good and I can talk to him openly.

I am eager to meet him as well, but as of today I’m not sure what I should do. Wait till I’ve seen P so I don’t get Marty’s hopes up and don’t mix up my own feelings? Marty said he wasn’t ready for a new relationship, because he’s only recently broken up with the girlfriend. But he doesn’t talk like he’s not interested in a relationship either, you know? The flirting is decent, but it’s there. Can we meet up as just friends? I don’t know. I feel like he’s the kind of guy that falls for someone like me. I can’t really explain, it’s just a feeling.
So for now I won’t ask for a date, but I’m pretty sure he will any time soon. I guess I’ll just have to see what happens. I just don’t want to end up hurting one of them, or dating both. That’s not my kind of thing to do (even though you might think so after everything that went on with Kenny). We’ll see.

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another talk with Kenny

I had a rough night last night. The last few days have gone by surprisingly well, without dwelling on Kenny too much. I was actually quite surprised about how good I was dealing with it, considering how low I had been on Thursday. But then last night happened. The good thing was, since I had night shifts before, I was able to sleep whenever I felt tired and there was no sleep cycle needed. Today I had to work an early shift and therefore get into bed at some reasonable time. I went to bed around 9pm, turned off my series… and then it started. Everything came back. Flash backs of how Kenny looked at me, how he stroked me and whatever. So I turned the series back on, knowing very well I would not get enough sleep,… but everything that was not connected to Kenny would be fine by me.

When I drove to work this morning a song came on the radio that describes the situation with Kenny and I perfectly. So I simply sent him the link to it without any comment and turned my phone off. I did not expect him to react, or at least not positively. Especially since he hasn’t replied to my question last Friday of why we would never have more than just physical attraction.

Well he asked me how I was after saying that the song described us very well and I said I was dealing somehow. He simply stated “and it’s my fault…” I wanted to deny it at first, but we both would have known that’d be a lie so I said the situation has just made me realise a lot of bad things in my life and that’s why I was struggling (which is true!). He once more said “yeah,  but because of me!”
so I said: “Kenny, if it doesn’t work for one, it’s always going to be shitty for the other one. That’s life!”
Him: Of course that’s true… but I honestly don’t believe it would be right for you to be with me.
Me: Why do you think that?
Him: You may know me for a long time… but not very well :-/
Me: You sure?
Him: Yep 🙂
Me: I can’t tell.. but if you think so.
Him: M, I honestly like you and I think you’re awesome! But we’re not meant for each other…
Me: I’ve understood that, but I just wonder why you’re so sure of this?

And that’s when he stopped replying again. He always stops when I ask him why. Why no feelings. Why no chance. Why whatever. He never replies. And I talked to a friend about this and I guess there are 2 main options:

  • One: he has feelings, but doesn’t want to confront himself with them. He’s scared to fail. Maybe scared that he wouldn’t be enough for me, once I know him. Maybe scared that I’ll leave him once and for all, if it doesn’t work out. Or he’s simply scared of these feelings as they are. Blunt.
  • Two: He literally has no feelings, but doesn’t want to give me away entirely. Like, this way he knows he can suck me back in and get what he wants every now and then. If he tells me he has no feelings, he knows it is done for me. Like.. entirely. No more kissing or anything else. Just. Done.

Even though you might think I’m stupid, I still believe in option 1. Simply because of the way he acts and words things. I can’t see him not having feelings. Why would he say the relationship wouldn’t work for ME, when he could tell me it doesn’t work for HIM?! If he wants to get rid of me, why not just tell me that he can’t be with me for reason 1, 2 and 3. You get me?!
He has some sort of feelings, I’ve felt it when we spent time together. And whilst it is true that I don’t know him the best, I’m sure I know a lot of what is going on in his mind when it comes to feelings (not with me involved, but other stuff).
I don’t know what his problem is, and I guess I’ll just have to let it be. Because it seems like I won’t ever get an answer to that. Which is sad, because it is the one thing that would let me being able to let go of him. But oh well… this conversation made me realise that I have let him go mostly already. I did not get that weird gut feeling I usually do when I get dumped. There were no tears. It was just getting in the facts to move on.

voice message

Today I saw a picture of P tagged in it. It was of a party that took place last Saturday. I don’t know why, but it really upset me. It wasn’t like we had set any plans and he cancelled, he didn’t even ask me. He didn’t tell me either he was free. He actually did tell me he had been busy all weekend. But it upset me nonetheless.

I realised that I really need to talk to him about it. My feelings haven’t changed and it’s not like I don’t trust my gut feeling anymore. But I just need to hear it from him – some sort of reassurance he’s still feeling something (or well… he is not – either way). Since the texting has decreased immensely (every 2 days or so) and also has gotten a lot more shallow… I don’t know. I’m just scared he isn’t interested anymore. A lot of things speak for him slowly backing away, yet my gut feeling is telling me otherwise. Of course I am scared that he actually is not interested anymore. Or that I am pushing him away by being so damn clingy. But I just need to know how he’s feeling. What actually is going on. Despite my fear.
I am worried that he’ll leave. I am terrified. Now I at least still have him every other day. I can imagine being with him, that imagination is not destroyed yet. He still is my “dream boy”. If he tells me this is over, I will be devastated. A lot more than ever before. Simply because I had that feeling, that feeling that kept me going. And if this was wrong, I don’t know if I can ever trust my gut ever again. I am actually freaking terrified, which leaves me wondering whether I should actually talk to him about it. But whether he tells me tonight or any other day in the future… it will always hurt. Right?!

So. I have recorded a voice message for all of this. I don’t want any misunderstandings and that he can listen to my voice. Listen to my worries. Not just some plain text. A voice.

I told him that the situation is hard for me to judge whether his distance was because of me or the situation overall. That I do not want to pressure him and I do understand what he says and he gives me no reason to worry… but because of the lack of communication and my interpretation into things, my worries returned. For example when he got drunk the very next day after I asked him to meet, that I wondered whether he didn’t want to see me. And that I do not have any problems with not seeing him and waiting, but that I would love to see him and will be abroad in 2 weeks. That we could meet for just a couple of hours instead of a sleepover. But that I would wait for him, if he needed. But I didn’t know if he just didn’t want to see ME or whether it’d be too much right now, or he’s still too hurt because of the whole situation. But that I also don’t want to bother him too much by texting. Also saying again that I don’t need us to be in a relationship, I don’t want to be another burden to him, but that I just need some reassurance,  because I worry that he’s not interested anymore.
I made clear that I don’t expect the situation to change, but to let him know how I feel about the situation. That I would stop texting if he needed the distance. But that I needed some “direction” in all of this.

I think I will send it tonight, but yes, I am terrified of the answer – if one will come.

 

optimism.

After last post, I figured I had to let you know that I am still very much alive. I cried myself to sleep that night, but it did me well. (Although I still haven’t heard from him ever since)

I don’t know where the tears came from, but it was freeing. You know how people tell you that crying is freeing? It really is. I haven’t cried in so long, that I was wondering what was wrong with me. I’m not a huge crier at all, don’t get me wrong. But the sadness I had felt over the last couple of weeks was bound to make me cry, but I never did cry. I felt the tears in my mind, but not in my eyes. Since that night I’ve been waking up with tear stains down my face in the morning, not remembering that I cried… so there’s that.

However. Ever since that crying disaster, I have been feeling a lot better. I am not sure for what reason. Probably for the lack of time thinking about him. Maybe because I have continued that letter I am sending to him (and yes I decided to send it. One last try to make this work). Some part probably is, because writing that letter made me have some (last) hope. I had been daydreaming about him finally understanding what this was all about. And getting a last conversation to make it all clear to him and working through this. Together. Another part probably is, having finally understood, that there is nothing to be sad about. If he doesn’t want to be with me and fight through this, he is not worth my sadness over him. I’m pretty sure it’s gonna be too much work for him to fight for me (for the little outcome he gets). Yet there still is that tiny sparkle of hope left. But we’ll see, I guess. I’ve had the longest time to accept this, maybe I finally did.

Either way, things will move forward – one way or the other. And I need to accept this and be happy. Either with or without him.

I’m sure once this is all gone for good. Like, once he’s back home (which by the way is in a week) and does not reply to my letters or doesn’t want to work through this, the sadness will return. But then the healing can start, because there’s nothing left to do. I’ve done all I possibly can.
My friend told me yesterday that I’ve done way too much to save this relationship. And I know that I have. But I do not want to have to ask myself in the future, why I hadn’t tried everything to save this relationship. Maybe once he’s back, I don’t even want this anymore. Who really knows? My emotions have been all over the place for the last 5 weeks. What else is bound to happen to me? Seriously though. Alan has showed me love again, when I had lost all hope of ever getting that feeling again. We’ve had a wonderful 2 months and I will forever treasure those moments in me. So there’s nothing lost. I’d had a good time with him. If it’s not meant to be, so be it. I have found my purpose in life over the last 5 weeks, which is accepting that I cannot rely my life on finding a man and create a family. I have found that purpose in my work. Helping others. That’s all I can do for now. Everything else I will figure out whilst on the way.

the talk

It’s funny how much you can build up your emotions and once you talk about them, it’s all good again. As I mentioned in my last post I have been thinking about several little problems in Alan’s and my relationship. I started to freak out, because I didn’t want to throw the relationship away. All day long on Monday I started to write a text, to explain to Alan what was going through my head. I knew it wasn’t the best of choices to text him – instead of talking to him face to face – but I also knew it was the only one I could bare at the moment. I was so afraid that he would freak out again like in our first and last argument. And so I knew I had to tell him those things. But I pushed it aside all day long and in the evening I really didn’t want to text him. What was the big deal about it? But I knew I had to, to not make things worse.

I sent him the text Monday night about how I was scared to ever argue with him and therefore was hiding my (negative) feelings, because of what had happened before. I explained to him, how I was annoyed about his time management and sleep pattern. Long story short, his reply:

I thought we had talked about that situation (argument) and were done with it. In that moment I didn’t realise why you were acting the way you did and you didn’t reply to my questions. Of course I know it was wrong not to hug you, and I’m sorry. But back then I was so confused, that I didn’t know how to react. I hope you can forgive me?
And I am planning my homework now, and do get up earlier…  so things are slowly changing. But I’ve never been the one to get up at 8am on a weekend, give me some more time for that.

 

So really, that was it. A huge weight was lifted from me and we were done with arguing. And I felt so much better – or so I thought.

As I mentioned before we had planned to see each other on Tuesday night. He had told me he would be over at 5pm. When he texted me on Tuesday afternoon, he told me that he had to go back home first. It was 2pm, so I knew he could still make it in time. He didn’t reply again,… when finally at 4pm he told me he would be over at 7pm. Honestly? I was so annoyed. Again. What the fuck was he doing for 2 hours, not even bothering to let me know that the time would change.
But then thought I need to calm the fuck down. He texted me again at 5pm that he’s just changing trains and I asked him where he was exactly. No more reply for an hour and I was so annoyed. I sent him another text – letting him feel how annoyed I was. To which he then suddenly replied. He had met a guy he knew on the train and wasn’t on his phone. I was annoyed because I had planned on picking him up on the train station. Of course, once more this was a miscommunication, as I hadn’t told him so.

All was good in the end though. I didn’t feel strange anymore. Kissing him didn’t feel wrong. It was all back to normal. And I am so glad about this.

the talk happened.

Today feels like eternity.

I woke up early again today due to Kenny’s early work shift. I don’t mind, I like chatting with him. Somehow he got angry with me in the morning when I asked if I should switch off my head/heart or whatever. He asked if I was trying to make him mad. I left it at that, went on a walk and then decided to just ask. What was there to lose? “You  know what I’d like to know or what would help me? What do you expect or want from this situation with us?” I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to hear the answer. But I knew I needed it. I needed to hear it.

I don’t have any expectations… I don’t really hope for anything either… I’m just enjoying and we’ll see where things’ll go. What about you?

I tried to explain without actually saying that I am having problems with not expecting anything (I said “I try more or less not to hope for anything”). He didn’t get the clue and said:

As long as we both don’t have any expectations it’s great 😉

You might understand that I was not too satisfied with this answer. I mean the first part was okay, I was actually more than okay with that answer, because “we’ll see where things are head” is not negative at all, now is it? But the second one just pointed towards just sex. I was having trouble talking to him afterwards. I really did. I got very distant. After a while he asked whether I was angry and I just replied “No, I’m not angry or anything. I got the answer I wanted and am going to act the way you expect me to. Everything’s great :-)” His reply was awful: “:-D 😀 😀 great!”… ummm. okay.

The anger always helps me get over someone. Always has. But somehow it still felt wrong, I don’t know why. I didn’t want to give up or lose him quite yet. Maybe I’m just a masochist. I texted him about an hour ago if everything was okay, because he wouldn’t answer my texts anymore and he said that everything was fine. He asked if I was okay as well to which I said “Hmm.. I don’t really know actually.” He asked what was bothering me but I brushed it off. He didn’t reply anymore. And I don’t expect to have a text message tomorrow morning either.

You see, the thing is. I don’t know why, but I don’t believe that he’s just looking for sex. I’m trying to convince myself that he is, but I feel like there’s more to it. My gut is telling me that he is hiding something. And although everything points towards just having fun, I feel like there are emotions involved, not just with me. He wouldn’t have stopped talking to me after what I said about acting how he wants me to, would he? Either he just needs the reassurance or the confidence-boost I gave him with my emotionally bubbling, or he really is interested. Or maybe I’m just hoping for that fairytale in my life of a guy I’ve known half my life, that told me 13 years ago, he would love to end up with me one day and just don’t want to see the truth.
I have no idea, I guess I have to keep on going and find out.

I fucking hate this game.

will he ever understand?

Stan sent me flowers today. A lot of them. And a heart bracelet. It was cute. I did smile when I read the card, but it was unlike when Momo first brought me roses. Why? I do not know.

I woke up in the middle of the night to a message of him. I had texted him last night, because he hadn’t texted me for another 5 hours. It’s unlike him and it’s starting to annoy me. Why does he do something like that? I do not know.
I don’t really know what you’re trying to do. Or what is going on in your head, why you don’t text me anymore. Are you busy? Don’t you want to talk to me? Do you think you’re distracting me? I do not know. What I miss or would help me, is the old you. The old you I could laugh with, could be silly with. When we were fooling around all the time. That’s who I fell in love with. Not the overthinking, sad, depressive one. I can’t be happy, when you are acting like that. I do think I could fall in love with you all over again, if I would get that back.

He texted me back at 1am (he never goes to bed so late, so why is he doing it ever since our ‘break-up’?). He kept rambling about how I still don’t show him that I have feelings – which I told him I don’t have – that he’s just sad when he’s around me. That he’s asking himself if he really is so bad – I never said he was. That he is asking himself if he really deserves to be ignored – do I ignore him when I text him all the time and he doesn’t?… he keeps saying that I am punishing him with my behaviour. To this day, I do not know what he means. How he’s not doing anything right. As I said, he’s just repeating himself over and over again – putting him as the “punished” one, the poor one who is treated so badly by me. Do I really? I don’t feel like I do.

So at 5am when I just woke up I texted him back:
“Why am I happy with everyone else but you then? Because you never laugh, you’re not happy and that makes me stay quiet. As I have said several times before, I do not think you’re a bad person. What upsets me right now, is that YOU are the one to ignore me, not the other way around. You don’t text me for several hours or the whole day, although you would have time to do so. Yes I do not text you whilst I am at work, because I am busy. Your mobile fell out of your trousers on Saturday? I do not believe this – because every other day you control about 5 times if you really have your phone on you. Did it fall out again yesterday? You know my problem is that I don’t trust you anymore, I start to ask myself questions I never even thought about before. You know what I first thought when you didn’t text me on Saturday? Whether you are at another girl’s house.
Why I don’t text you when I reach a place? Because I usually don’t even know if you’re alive or not, so why should I do that? Did I not text you all day long or was it you? You cannot expect me to text you all day long when you don’t reply.”

Big surprise? He didn’t answer to any of the questions above. Not really a surprise at all, because I knew he was lying to me. I knew he didn’t forget his phone, but that he just didn’t reply. I really don’t even want to know anymore what the reasons are, because.. why should I? I am not the one to get hurt anymore. I have lost my feelings, I did want them back for the sake of him, for the sake of the future I imagined of us. But like this he will just lose me entirely.
He keeps saying how I ignore him or tell him how much he does wrong, when in reality I never said he did anything wrong. I told him that I had wished he would have asked me about my state of mind, when I told him I was not feeling good. But I never said it was wrong. He asks me to trust him again, but how can I when he starts lying more and more? He has a very upsetting past. He has cheated on every of his girlfriends, so why should I be the one he is faithful for? He hasn’t even appreciated that I never mistrusted him for his past. But now these thoughts have crept into my mind and I doubt they will leave again.