changes

out of my league

I guess it’s time to update on my current situation, right?

I haven’t heard from Alan. The last time that we talked on his behalf was over 6 weeks ago. As I mentioned, he does answer my texts, but not intending on any conversation or interest in me whatsoever. I have not heard one thing about any of the letters and honestly, I truly have given up about a week ago to ever hear from him again. So far I have gifted the tickets I bought for him to a friend of mine, I have deleted him on instagram a few weeks back. And I deleted his snapchat today. It was the only source of connection anymore that was left. The only way to know what is going on in his life. And I figured it was time to cut this off, too. We’re still friends on facebook, but I unfollowed him a few weeks ago as well – so I need to actively go on his profile to see anything. So that’s gonna be the last step to get him out of my life completely.
I am glad I have met Doc. He made me finally let go of Alan for good. Not that he had any intention to, or that I am hoping to fall in love with Doc. But at least this came out of it: Getting rid of Alan for good.

Now. Doc and I. A whole other story.
As I mentioned he didn’t reply to my drunk text from 3am. Saturday night I texted him again, asking if he was back to normal and asking if he even knew what my name was. This was the start of very long conversations. Turned out he wasn’t as drunk as I thought he was. He knew everything that I told him that evening. Like every detail I ever blabbered about. Which is quite the opposite of Alan. So I knew he was actually listening to me.
I’m not the biggest fan of doctors, so I wasn’t very keen when he told me he was becoming to be one. My opinion has changed completely though. He is so forthcoming and listens to everything I say. He asks about my health (which once more, was just so funny to see the difference between a stranger and Alan. Doc asked so much about my coming operation and stuff). There was a turn in conversation 2 days ago – or so I thought. I felt like he didn’t ask as many questions anymore. Or just seemed annoyed having to talk to me. I guess it was all in my head though. I mean, the texts still don’t fit on one phone screen, so you can imagine how lengthy those are. I told him last night, that he should not feel obliged to text me, even less in that length. That I do find him interesting, but don’t want to interrupt him doing things. To which he replied “that’s nice of you, but I text you because I want to and not because I feel obliged. So don’t worry about that”. I just had that feeling. He’s that kind of guy who’s just being nice to everyone and I don’t want to get my hopes up for nothing. I do think he is not interested romantically, but I just enjoy getting to know him. We’ll see how things are going and where it will lead us.

Also I found out that he’s 3 years younger than me, so that’s a thing. I just don’t think I’m his type of girl. He’s what you could call “out of my league”.

the breakup.

I need to type this out before my mind gets blurred with thoughts about possible cancer (I’m having the appointment this afternoon – or rather had, once you’re reading this).

So. I was at work when I read Alan’s message. I was angry and mad, about his nonexistent love. I just couldn’t understand how one could just say nothing to your girlfriend breaking up with you. How?

I didn’t write again. I sent Mr. Cucu a 15 minute-voice record whilst I actually started crying (he hasn’t seen or heard me cry in the 9 years we’ve known each other, so you know…). I needed to get it off my chest. All the anger, the sadness. And then I felt better. He made me feel better. Made me feel human. Made me feel not like a huge mistake.

That night I sent Alan a text, saying that I had sent the package off and that I put a letter in the package as well. That I didn’t have much more to say, or rather that it didn’t make sense to say any more.
He answered pretty quickly: “Ok thanks. I don’t know what to say about this. I didn’t think my decision of not seeing you would get that bad of a consequence. But I have to accept this.”
I didn’t know whether I should have laughed about this or cried. To me it sounded like a 5yo boy, how was told not to do a certain thing, and then when you would snatch his favourite toy away, he’d say he didn’t realise what was going on. I had told him so many times that I felt depressed about all of this. And now he acts like he didn’t realise it was that bad?! And why just accept it? Why not fight for something you love?! I would have never just accepted a reaction like this. I would have wanted to know what the hell was going on, and what I could do against it.

The next day when the package arrived he sent me this:
“Thanks for the package. Sadly the tshirt didn’t smell like you anymore, because that was the first thing I did. Tell me how much money I owe you…
I haven’t read the letter until the end yet. I can’t right now. Give me some time, please.”
This showed me, that he still did love me. That emotions were there. But I am no fan of having to break up just to be able for that someone show me how he feels. I’ve done this one too many times in the last few years (Stan and Momo especially). I told him that he should just take his time and if he ever felt the need to answer any of my questions, he could.

I haven’t heard from him since. And I don’t expect to, if I’m being honest. I don’t know what to expect. We’re still friends on social media, so that’s a plus (he’s told me that he usually deletes his ex-girlfriends everywhere, he does not want to be in contact with them)…
I’m not sure if he can change what I’m asking him to. I don’t even know if I still want him to change. Do I want this relationship? I really can’t tell. Right now it’s in Alan’s hand to change our future. I’m doing good without him. It is weird to look around and find memories of him. Of us. I still have the pictures of us on my phone and hung up in my room. There definitely still is hope that things will turn out to be good. But I’m not sure if he can do it in time. Because I know, the longer he waits, the more my emotions will have faded. And he probably cannot or will not take the time to really think about it, but rather try to forget it. It’s how he rolls.

We’ll see. For now we’re broken up (although I still talk about my boyfriend, when someone asks).

I need your advice!

Honestly? It feels like I’m single, although I am not.

The conversation between Alan and I are normal. Like friends talk. But not actually interested. They can’t be kept up, and I’m not trying to. I’m not trying to reply to every emoji he uses anymore. So it may have happened, that I didn’t text him for a day. I’m not trying to focus all of the conversation on him, because I’m done having everything about him all the time. He does ask about me, but as soon as his casual question is answered, it’s all about him again.

He asked what I was doing this Wednesday evening and I said that I had an appointment. He asked how long it’ll take, I told him and I got an “okay” back. Oh the ever present “okay”. But I don’t even bother anymore. I actually don’t even want to see him. I have no desire to.

I went on a walk last weekend with my family and the kiddies. It was very depressing to see all the lovebirds out there, kissing and cuddling. It was even more depressing knowing I actually am in a relationship, without having this (I actually accidentally just wrote “was in a relationship”). When I was single I didn’t think there was a worse feeling than seeing all the happy couples. Obviously there is: being in a relationship and still missing these things.

I know that once I see him, he will go back into old mode. It didn’t bother him. It didn’t hurt him. His life has not changed in the slightest. He doesn’t care any more than he did before. There is no effort on his behalf whatsoever. And I’m just done. I’m done trying to force myself into a relationship, that doesn’t seem to work. And honestly? If he’s so off the road because of some exams, what about worse things in life that may happen? Like a death in family or whatever. He’d never be a partner to be around, if there may be any complications. And I need a partner that stays by my side no matter what happens around. Of course, I understand that he has to focus on his exams. But it doesn’t mean that my depression should mean nothing to him. I would rather be there for a friend or my partner, than study for exams. But then we’re back to setting priorities. I know what priority I have with him: None.

What is your opinion on that? I really don’t know anymore if I’ve just gotten my head too deep in that puddle of depression, or it really doesn’t make sense anymore to hold up this relationship.

changing myself.

I know the last few posts must have seem as if I blame everything on Momo. That our relationship didn’t work out, and to say that this is – for the biggest part – true, is not very fair at all. I can’t say it’s his fault, but just between him and I it would have never worked out. Not because he’s a wrong human being or didn’t change for me, but because our personalities just wouldn’t suit for long-term. So no, I am not blaming him. I’m just trying to stay angry at him, for saying how much he wanted me and not doing anything about it. And I think that’s something I’m allowed to do. Does this make any sense to you?!

What I actually wanted to say with this, is, that I have also realised that there are things I need to change about myself. Reflecting what has happened in the entire relationship, there have been quite a few mistakes on my side as well. In the end the mix of both of our faults have caused the breakup, but there are things I’d like to change and keep in mind:

  • I need to be honest, right from the beginning. I don’t struggle with being honest, but I kept telling myself that it might get better again,
  • I need to say out loud what I’m thinking right from the beginning. Not waiting for the moment when I can’t bear it anymore or am so annoyed that I don’t want to see the other person anymore.
  • I need to be straight out with how I’m feeling. It doesn’t matter whether that’s good feelings or bad. I have been struggling with telling people how I feel all my life. Ever since I first started seeing my psychologist it has improved heaps. Even my mother has complimented me on how much I have opened up in the last few months.
  • I need to calm down on the bad thoughts and the jealousy. Whilst I think I have handled the jealousy pretty good, given all the crap that my ex has done in his past (I have met probably a dozen or so girls he’s banged…), I shouldn’t let my mind wander into these wrong places of distrust.
  • Don’t let yourself be talked into things you do not want to do. No matter how much you love your spouse. I have been doing things, I did not enjoy at all, but did it for him. This is not okay when it leads to anxiety.

I think these are the main points. I have learned to try and be understanding in certain things I cannot really grasp, but then I tried. Although I have learned a lot in this relationship, I would take nothing to get it back, to be honest. I wish it didn’t happen in some ways, but then it has helped me grow a lot. I just got so many bad things from it, that I’m worried I cannot get the trust in men back.

Of course I am also terrified that I will not find a man. But somehow, right now, I’m not that worried. I have been dreaming about dating strangers a lot, which was weird… and have also been “dumped” by a lot of guys who have been hitting on me through the entire relationship, so that didn’t feel good either. But it’s okay. At some point I will meet someone new and right now I really am looking forward to the dating again.

How do I get out?

Life has been like a chore to me lately. I just live. I don’t notice what is happening around me and neither do I care about anything anymore. People tell me that their friends are pregnant. That they need surgery. I went to the doctors to be told that I need surgery myself. I just don’t care anymore. I feel so emotionless. Like I shut out all the emotions, all the memories which try to pop up in my head. At night I lay in bed for hours, imagining to kiss Gohan. To have him with me. But with so much force there’s another imagination coming up. The one when Gohan dumps me.

I have written up a really long post, but I didn’t publish because I felt vunerable. It’d be my weakest point not even my friends know about. But maybe at some point, I’ll be okay to show you. I keep hiding in a world which is not mine. I read several hours a day, just so I don’t have to think about what is going on in my life right now. Yesterday evening I texted a friend, just to make myself feel better. To flirt with him. But this ended up in tears, because I imagined to do those things with Gohan. I need to talk to him, I know I do. I just feel like it’s his turn now.

I had hoped that things would work out. At least once in my life. After my parents got divorced. After my brother left. After my best friend went abroad and never came back. After I had been threatened with suicide. I shut out all my friends and family. I didn’t want to let anyone come close enough to actually see what is going on in my head. But slowly I started to trust several friends again. Slowly I started to believe in love again and let someone get my heart. Just to be let down again. It took me a year to try again. Try and let a guy touch my heart. And once more, all I got from it, is pain. Just pain. And the walls which slowly tumbled down, are built up again.

It’s weird because he keeps messaging me. But not even close to what amount we used to write. Not even after our argument when I was on my trip. Even then we texted daily. I haven’t heard of him since Thursday. He did message me on Saturday, but because he was bored, so I didn’t reply. He used to message me whenever he was online, I now see him online a lot, but he never messages me. Ever. He never mentioned another date. He didn’t mention any kind of feelings. I do not know what to do or think anymore. I miss him like crazy, but I don’t want to be the one going after him. I don’t want to be the vunerable one, the one who begs for attention. I want HIM to text me, ask me out, tell me that he misses me.

But honestly? I don’t think he does anymore. And that’s why he doesn’t tell me or talk to me. He wasn’t the one to text me everyday that he misses me. But he did say it a couple of times. We haven’t talked about ‘us’. Because ‘us’ doesn’t seem to exist anymore.

I can’t do this anymore.

I know better times are ahead. But for now, I just don’t want to hear anything about it. I just want to hide. And sleep.

one does not change.

Nothing has happened, the guy from the past didn’t write again since my last try to get him to my city. But I didn’t expect him to anyway, like I said. He didn’t really change, I don’t know why I believed it in the first place. Like, maybe he has changed in some ways, but for sure he hasn’t when it comes down to a woman.

I spent today with a friend I haven’t seen in a year and who happens to know the guy from the past as well. I wasn’t quite sure whether I should tell him the story, but somehow our topic led to him anyway, so I told him. He didn’t say much to it, but he was surprised that this has been going on for the last year or so (on and off). But he more or less shares the same opinion, that he hasn’t really changed at all.. so I guess I will let this one go for now. Of course I miss cuddling or anything like it, but I’m not eager to get hurt just by pleasing him. If we happen to meet at some point in the future, so be it, but I won’t take one single step towards him.

Elsewhere, nothing has happened. Mr. Cucu is still texting me almost daily, though I gotta admit that sometimes I’m annoyed now. I don’t want to be, but I can’t really lie to myself, can I? But I guess this will be okay soon again.