First trip together

Okay, so some things have happened… we have been away for 3 days now, and have spent another day at home together. We did have our moments of arguments, mostly because of my brain fucks. But he has handled things pretty well, and has always spoken up to my behaving and other things, and still was giving me a good feeling about everything. He also was very sad to leave today, because he had to do some things for work and we won’t see each other probably for 2 weeks.

I have definitely caught some feelings for him, and I do think he has too, but there is still my insecurity which is always acting up. He does have some issues as well, but he seems to be handling things a lot better than me. I am very afraid about him going away for three and a half months in January, and we have been talking about it a little bit, but it doesn’t help that much. Even today when I had to say goodbye after 4 days together and not seeing him for 2 weeks, it was the hardest thing. So that’s gonna suck when the time comes.

However, our communication is pretty good. Or rather we can figure things out when we realize that we’re not communicating very well.
Also the sex has been improving a whole lot, and he has been saying sorry for not lasting too long, but I don’t really care. It is a very nice feeling to be with him and that’s all that matters. We did not use protection, so we’re just hoping nothing happened (I’ve started with temperature control, so we should be fine). He did say that he would be very very happy to have a baby with me, just not quite yet. And I am completely agreeing with this.

I was a bit scared one time. When he called me his girlfriend on a voice message and asked about it when we were away together and he simply said that it was a slip up, but he was getting very nervous. So I still don’t know what we are right now, haha.

Well…. I don’t really have much else to say, since things are going great, but I am very insecure and waiting for the big boom to happen, but until now, there hasn’t. I did think it might happen when we were abroad together and spending 24/7 with each other, but it hasn’t. So things are looking great. Talk to you later…

Oh and PS: what amazed me most of all. My shy cat was sitting on his lap and she has never done this in 12 years. Never. She only cuddles up to me and I was in shock and he laughed his face off because of how shocked I must have looked.

Date 3#

Why is having sex always making me question a relationship?

Max and I had our 3rd date today. We did meet up for lunch on Saturday and it was a blast again. It also got a lot more flirty after that, because beforehand when Is aid something along the lines of “you could cuddle up with me and the cats”, he never reacted. After Saturday he did.

Well I did not know till noon whether I needed to go into work and then after I fooled him, that I had to – we decided to go to a spa. We drove all the wrong ways, but we didn’t bother really, because we had a good talk. We then went up the mountain to said spa, and I was feeling a bit insecure before, because he is so thin and I’m… Well not. But when the time came, he didn’t seem to bother at all.

We went into the pool and talked for like an hour. Until then, there never really was a time to kiss… But then we started teasing each other, tickeling and therefore started touching a lot. He actually even started it. At some point I held his hands, so he couldn’t tickle me anymore and I payed my head on his shoulder and we just stayed like that. I think it was the first time neither of us spoke for more than a few minutes. I did think he would kiss me (and how cheesy it would be in a pool), but he didn’t. He did accidentally grab my boob, which he felt really really awful about, but oh well. We arrived at the spa around 3.30pm stayed till around 6pm. We then went to take a shower (separately) and went back to the car again, went to dinner and then he drove me home again.

When he picked me up before, he did ring the bell and came up for a short while (I did not expect him to). So when we were back at my place around 8pm, I said he could come up if he wanted to. And he did. Well, long story short it is now 2am and he just left. We played on the couch and cuddled with my cats. We did hold hands all the time and he caressed my face, but he took his time to finally kiss me after like 2 hours (and he did ask right before our lips met “may I?”). I did not expect it to go any further, but we just kissed for the longest time and then at some point I asked whether he was a “ass or boobies person”. He was offended (funnily) because he just had grabbed my ass and was like “I can’t do both” and started grabbing my boobies. Well. From then on one thing led to another and we had sex. It was good, he has a nice technique. However he does kiss without the tongue, which I’m not yet sure about. But it’s still great. He had to leave pretty much after, because he has work tomorrow (oops). But he made sure to let me know that he would rather stay and is not texting me tomorrow and the day after due to work. So as not to think, that he just wanted sex. He also said he has deleted bumble, I did check however and his profile is still there. So I guess he simply deleted the app (why do guys don’t understand the difference?).

I guess we will see how this goes. We are going abroad for 3 days next week, so that is gonna be interesting. At first I was scared because we hadn’t kissed yet, but that’s over now 😅

New one – Max

I’ve just returned from a new date. And after I’ve been so sad after the last, I was a bit held back about being eager about this one. But everything was different. We had been texting for hours for 2 days, we just clicked right away and honestly – everything was easy and right. So I kind of made him as whether we could meet up l. He works shifts as well. So we had to find a day and turns out, if we are spontaneous (and it was about 1am by then) we could meet up that same day around 11am.

I was so nervous and I told him. I didn’t sleep till 4am, I woke up around 8am again and was so done with life. But yet. Very happy to see him soon. He told me he had been nervous as well, which gave me some relief. He texted me around 10.40 tha the might be late so I just walked very slowly to our meeting point (he came to my town). By 10.50 he texted me, saying he was already there. So I walked a little faster and then didn’t see him at the palace we said. I texted him “where are you hiding” and whilst I waited for his response I saw him in his car. It made me laugh, because he didn’t notice me so I sat there looking at him until he got out of the car. He then saw me and just shook his head, smiling. We hugged hello and went into the cafe.

We talked. We ate, we drank.. toll like 4.30pm, so 5 hours of talking and we had it all. Funny stories, sad stories, opinions about stuff, stories about our past dates and exboy-/girlfriends. It all just matched perfectly. And he was looking so good, honestly. I kept looking at his lips. Because he is so beautiful and it was the first time I started thinking about a kiss… but knew I did not want to make that first step.

At one point in that conversation he said, he would have a big dinner, so I guessed he had some plans in the evening. Which was fine for me. By 4pm he asked whether we should go for a walk, so he payed the bill and we walked to the lake. We bumped into my best friend, which was kinda awkward because I hadn’t told her that I’ve met someone. We talked for a little while and went on (and saw 2 other people I knew)… we then sat at the lake again, talking, blabering and just having a blast. I started reaching out to him from time to time (holding his arm when telling something, clapping his arm when he was making fun of me and stuff like that). There was still no moment of kiss and it was fine by me. At around 7pm he asked whether I wanted to go home and even though I really didn’t, I have an early shift tomorrow so I knew I needed to get home. And he was hungry.

He drove me to my place and he asked me whether I needed the free pass (I had told him the other day. That f it was really a bad date, we would take a free pass and forget about the first date and get another one). I had completely forgotten about what I had said about the free pass. So he reminded me. However… during the whole date I kept saying “on our next date” or “when we see each other next time” and at one point took it back, realising that maybe he didn’t want to. And he took that as an “you don’t want to see me again”. Anyway. So we said goodbye and I told him to text me when he was home.

I texted him whilst he was driving home. That I had really enjoyed the date and would like to use the free pass. But because I wanted to see him again. But I would be ok when he didn’t. Because I hurt his arm and just funny stuff. He sent me a voice message saying that he had really enjoyed that date and would like to continue seeing each other. So I guess we will…:)

A new date

I just returned from a date. I did rejoin tinder right after I returned from my holidays and even before I told Nick my thoughts… I don’t even know whether I have told you guys, but I have made him a voice message about 2 weeks ago, because he has actually ghosted me. He has not texted me ever since my holidays – so it’s been about 3 weeks with no contact, and I just needed to let some steam off. One day I was getting all angry about him ghosting me, so I sent him a voice message saying, that I am very disappointed in him, that he is taking the easy way out and not replying after 7 months of dating and that I hope he will one day learn to not ignore his problems, because that’s not going to solve them. Afterwards I blocked him on WhatsApp, but he could have called me on my normal phone number, which obviously he didn’t (or come over to my place and get his things).

I rejoined tinder and had a date today, but I knew beforehand that it probably is not going to be what I need. But somehow I just feel like I need some validation… He was nice, but I just realized that he does not have the attraction I had with Nick right from the beginning. And I had thought, dating would help me forget about him,.. but it actually has made me miss him even more right now. I’m having troubles letting him go.

It’s the first time since the beginning of August that I actually think about taking him back… I still somehow do have hope that he will realize what he’s got with me, but if he hasn’t realized for the last 8 months, how high is the chance he ever will? So I guess, I need to stop dating, because it’s not helping either…

However I feel like I need some attention from guys, but unlike all the other times I joined tinder, it’s somehow not really working this time around. Normally I would have like one or two guys I could banter within a week, and now I’ve been on there for probably two or three weeks and I still don’t have one particular guy I am really interested in. I only accepted the date today, because he seemed nice and he was quite the opposite from Nick by being empathic and just listening to my problems, but I knew that I would not have any sexual attraction before seeing him, but I thought maybe when we see each other in real life – it might be different. But although he does look better in real life than on the pictures, I just have like no attraction to him whatsoever.

It makes me sad to be lonely again and I’m actually thinking about unblocking Nick to at least give him the chance to text me, even though I know he won’t… I’m just sad. Letting something go, that seemed to work so well (and my psychologist worded it perfectly “maybe it was just the wrong time for you guys”, which upsets me even more).

Goodbye Nik

I’m back from holidays. I did get an answer in the evening about him telling me I was forcing him into a relationship by having expectations (reading I wanted him to be there for me because I was feeling low) and that he once more realises that he does not want a relationship. How he did no agree on just me listening to his problem and him not doing so. And even less so burdening me with his problems “all he did was tell me and then moving on, this should not burden you”. I don’t know in which life he is, but he certainly never has had a deep connection with someone. Or had shut down completely after his break-up. He did also complain about me “bothering him” and what not. I don’t even remember exactly, but I did send a voice message back (his was like 6.5 minutes), rightening some stuff and making him realise that all I had expected from him was answering and listening to my thoughts. I never expected him to rush over or whatever. But that I did hate being ignored. He also said that he did not understand my fear for my pets and that it’s hilarious to be so upset about an animal. I then did tell him that I had listened to him for 7 months and did no agree with a lot of things he’s said and done. But listened either way.

After that last message I was just done with him. It’s okay to not agree with everything, but with him it seems like everyone needs to agree with him or is false.

I did not expect an answer but the next morning I got a very very long text message (and he never texts), about how I was right and it probably would be better if he went on alone. That he’s having too many issues in his life. But then further down the text he said “time will tell if it’s right what we are doing” and I was like “hell no it’s not”. He even apologized for “thinking he was ready to let himself fall”. I was bawling my eyes out for like 4 hours after that. Because all the emotions came running up and just… I was lost. I told him that if he wanted to get his stuff. He could tell me until Tuesday, so he could get it when I was away. His last message to that was “I don’t really know tbh, you can do that. But I will not cry for a few underwear”. Still he hadn’t realized what it was about (apart from him having a lot of other stuff at my place apart from his boxers). I didn’t reply anymore and went on holidays.

So last message from him about the boxers was on Monday. I did tell him that I would wait for him to text me, because he claimed to need time. On Friday night I texted him a neutral message about an event he was having. Got a formal reply Saturday night, to which I replied again and haven’t heard from him since (it’s Thursday).

The time away has made me realize a lot of things. I also have read 2 books about self reflection from my therapist which have helped a lot. And also made me realize how closed off he is and that I will never be able to help him out of that. He didn’t even know where I went abroad and how long. He’s never asked me questions like this. It was always about himself. So I’m just waiting and seeing how long it’ll take for him to text me again. Probably never. So goodbye Nik. It was nice while it lasted (and also… Probably the first relationship ending, I did not realize when I saw him for the last time. Usually I have a feeling, but that last time… we had a blast that morning when he was with me. But oh well, it’s his loss really. )

He dumped me. Again.

So we went from him asking to move in next year, to him dumping me. How, you might ask?

Well. We’ve had a little deja vu to the last time I was emotional. Yes, it’s PMS but nonetheless, he should not act like this.

We went back to not texting for 2 days. He then said something along the line of “we never text when we know we can’t see each other, huh?” Which is so not the case, but I was having a hard time and just was not in the mood to text and neither seemed he did. He told me on Wednesday. That he had to check when his friend was moving, so we could spend the weekend. He asked me Thursday when I was available on the weekend, which I answered and he didn’t reply no more. The next day he texted me again, asking what I was doing. I told him that I was looking after one of my cats because she was at the vet before (which I had told him several times before why and when). He asked what had happened and I got angry because I had told him several times that week. So I said I would tell him another time because I was very emotionally drained. Guess what? He didn’t reply. It was 8pm, not like he was asleep already. He also didn’t answer my question about whether he was not helping to move.

The next day at 3pm I got another voice message. I ignored it, simply because I was upset and angry about him not answering to me obviously being upset. So I didn’t listen to it for 3 hours (which honestly is not that long, considering he had ignored me 3/4 day again). He tried to call me at 6pm and I didn’t pick up. He asked whether I fell asleep. So I thought maybe I need to listen to it, if it’s something important. Nope, he did not say ANYTHING about me being emotional and was like (at 3pm) “I’m free from now to the evening. Tomorrow I’m helping to move.” so once more I needed to be flexible and just be there and again, not being considered at all. So I texted him: “I wasn’t in the mood to listen to your voice message because I felt angry – or rather like you don’t really take my feelings seriously. I’ve told you several times last week that I need to go to the vets with my cats to check out what was wrong with them. You never reacted. So I figured you’re not interested and then I did not even get an answer to my message about being upset. So it’s too much in this situation right now.” (With my best friend dumping me as well. Which he knows.)

Guess what? Yes. No answer. So I sent him a voice message at 9.30pm that I did not know what to think of him not answering. Knowing he has read the message, since he had waited for a response whether he could come over or not.

I got the message this morning. Another voice message. And when I started it I already knew he was angry (you can tell all his emotions by his voice melody). Well, long story short. He said that I had too high expectations and was forcing him into a relationship, which he did not like. He also was like. I never talk about my feelings, but he rather needs to force me to tell (does it wonder anyone when he gets upset when I’m emotional?!). And that he doesn’t think we match when it comes to us “being happy with life”… Whatever that means, I have no idea.

I got VERY angry and told him that it was not okay to say I was forcing him into a relationship when I was doing anything but, but that even in a friendship (which he calls this) he needs to listen as well and I am not very understanding that I’ve been there for him through every bullshit of the last 7 months and every time I need him to be there, he says I expect to much. How did we go from “move in with me” to I expect too much because I need him to listen to me so quickly? I don’t know. I’m still waiting for his response, but I am not sure I even want to hear anymore. I’ve packed his stuff. Plus I’m going abroad on Wednesday for a week, so I said maybe it’s good we don’t see each other for 3 weeks. But still I feel like he treated me very unfair. I hope he realizes what he has/had with me over the next few weeks. But what the fuck?!

Sex and moving in together

Just a quick one, but I am so fascinated by Nick right now. I’m on nightshifts again right now and he asked whether he could crash at my place so the trip wasn’t as far as from his place. Which obviously was okay for me.

So when I left for night shift, I asked whether he would be there when I returned in the morning and he said probably not. He then texted me whilst at work, that maybe it would be cool to stay until I came home and then leave. So he did.

I rushed home at 7.45am and he even waved at me when I drove into my garage. I had a really really shitty shift, so I wasn’t sure how he would react to my bad temper. But it was okay. Well long story short, we talked a little and then when he wanted to leave he cuddled up to me. Still 6 months in, we can’t kiss or cuddle without it leading to sex. So he started fumbling. All of a sudden he was like “can I get the womanizer?” (I told him about it when I got it and how well it worked for me. When other sex toys really don’t do much for me). I have issues to orgasm when men fumble. Always have and don’t think it’s something they do wrong. Anyway. So he went to get it and did just the right things that I orgasmed in a few minutes (3rd time with him. Which is a lot!). And he is simply so cute. Which I know he genuinely cares about my well-being because he got all horny about me orgasming, that when he put it in, he came right away.

Have I mentioned that he also asked to probably move in with him next year?? We were talking about life and stuff and then he was like “well once I’m in the bigger flat, there is room for you, too… So maybe you could move in”. I was all shocked, because he had said in the beginning of us dating, that he probably will never move in with a partner again. Which was okay for me. As long as there are no kids involved. And I told him what he had said. And he simple said “well…. things change”. So who knows? Fascinating. Since we are still “just dating” and no relationship.

Change of hearts

Here’s a quick one, because I feel like it’s a big thing. Last night Nick came over and we sat on the balcony, talking about everything and nothing. At some point we reached the subject of him moving out and living alone for the first time in – ever. When he all of a sudden said “well, gotta move again next year and I’ll have lots of space. You could probably move in as well…” I was a bit surprised, since in the beginning of all of this, he said he probably never wants to live with a girlfriend again. Since we aren’t even girlfriend and boyfriend, I just accepted that. I always said as long as there are no kids involved, I don’t need to live with my partner either. So him changing his mind about this caught me off guard.

I did however say exactly that (that he said in the beginning, tha the would never move in with me). To which he simply stated “well. Who knows… Things change”. And once more, I am pretty sure something has changed for him when he was abroad emotionally. It feels like he wants this way more than before.

So of course there’s the tiny hope he will change his mind about having kids with me, too. But I am not sure he will. I knew he would change his mind about our relationship eventually, but the kids subject is a whole other level… Oh well. Cheers to 6 months of dating.

How it’s going ..

It’s so weird right now… I’m feeling a bit ambivalent.

I am realizing what it means to not become a parent – maybe ever. I am on one hand a bit sad, about not putting someone like me in the world, but then also seeing what it means to be able to travel freelo and not having to look after little babies. Also seeing how hard it is on a relationship, and not having to put Nick and me through this might be a plus.

On another note, it’s very funny, how Nick has been opening up lately. I do think that something has clicked in the last few weeks, probably when he was away in Egypt. He has been making comments about missing me, not really saying it directly but hinting on it. For example, yesterday he was saying something about not being a romantic, which we all know by now… And then blabbering on something along the lines of him giving me honest and direct answers, and giving me love. He was saying it in a sentence, and it seemed like he only realized after he had said it and just talked on…

We were all so speaking about the winter time, when he is going to work a lot more again, and going up the mountains, where we actually met for the first time this year (6 months ago). And I was saying something along the line of “oh so I have to drive all the way there again”. And he was looking at me a bit shocked, and I didn’t realize what was going on. He then said he had understood, that I was saying “I had to redownload tinder again”. Which is funny, considering he still does not want a relationship. But like I said in the beginning, I feel like something has clicked and he is slowly realizing that maybe we are in a relationship, and he can rely on me. The baby subject will still be a problem, but everything else seems to work out.

We also have been talking a lot about going abroad together or traveling the world. He did say something like we could go for 6 months but he needs to wait till the little one is a teenager. Which means not for the next 10 years. However, he has been hinting on traveling for a month next year, if he can financially afford it and give the kids away for a month. At first I did think he wants to travel by himself, which would be okay for me… But he asked if I would join him. So he has been making plans with me all the time. He also has been asking a lot to see me, so we have been seeing each other like twice a week lately.

I have also had another operation on my lady parts, which he still thinks it’s his fault. And actually it has been bothering me again on the other side, so I need to get it checked out but I’ve never had such an awesome sex life, like ever. Each time is just fantastic, and it has not been getting boring at all, which it always has been for me in the past relationships. So it seems like everything is going great for now. Keep your fingers crossed for me, please.

We survived holidays #1

Things with Nick are just crazy. He was abroad for a week with his son. I did not miss him as much as I thought, even though we were not able to talk much due to internet connection problems in his resort. I did think of him a lot, but it worked fine for me. He returned on Tuesday and I had thought, that we probably won’t see each other for 2 weeks, because his kids are on holidays and he probably would spend some more time with them. But he texted me the same evening whether I was still on sick leave (I had yet another operation on my lady parts last week) and I said that I was not. But had a day off anyway. So he came over.

I don’t know what is different with him, but I fall in love with him every day anew. Due to my operation we – or rather he – had to be extra gentle whilst having sex. Which ended in us having very slow but intense sex, which we haven’t had in this way yet. And it felt so great. And I know he felt the same way, because he kept saying “wow”. A whole new experience and the sex just keeps getting better somehow.

Also I said something along the lines of “I once thought of you whilst on holidays because of…” And he laughed and said “oh I never thought about you”. He was of course sarcastic and it seemed like he thought of me quite a lot. Which just have me such a good feeling. In the first few days of him away, I started getting worried that he would find a girl down there. Although I knew he was with his son. It’s just my experience. But he even told me that he had not once been horny (which is unusual for him). Anyway. One subject led to another and we ended up kind of planning to go travelling for a month next year. Yes. We cannot quite plan it yet due to his financial issues and of course his kids. But he did hint that he would love to go on a world trip for 6 months (with me). He didn’t say it like this, but kept saying like “would you want to go there or what would you do?”. So maybe, we will go travelling next year.

When we first met I did think about this, planning to have kids and whatever. And realized that I could not have both. And with my best friends getting babies and me not getting into a baby fever mode again, I realized that maybe I have come to terms with not becoming a parent. And realized that instead, it would give me experiences and memories by travelling the world with Nick. But of course. We will have to see where things go.