breaking up

P sucks!

I had a feeling: Not to get my hopes up, because they’d come crashing down soon enough.

I didn’t expect it to be the very next day, but let’s start from the beginning:

I did not actually reply to his suggestion of meeting up, since he didn’t really ask but just made a statement about seeing each other. Since he asked straight after how I work over the holidays, I just replied to that question. I didn’t tell him that I would love to see him or anything the like. And as I said in my last post, I tried not to get my hopes up, since I wouldn’t believe that he actually wanted to see me, until he stood right in front of me. I don’t believe he will ask again. Just a feeling. But we’ll see.

Well, his wording was funny anyway. So I pointed out whether he thought meeting up with me wasn’t relaxing. At first he said “sure it’s so restraining”, but right after said that it of course was relaxing, but maybe it wasn’t for me. I made a joke about how it was upsetting to always translate his accent into my own ‘language’. He corrected my wording and I said “excuse me, I kind of have fallen out of using your language since it’s been a while”. He texted me this morning saying “why? You can now learn with your new colleague 😉 ”

Okay. I understand, he doesn’t plan on keep talking to me?! He has kept the conversation up so far however, I didn’t reply to some of his messages. I don’t want to get my hopes up, because I know I’m tumbling. My walls are starting to crumble especially.

For the first time in a month or so, I looked at his pictures again last night. And I still had that familiar feeling in my stomach. I remembered all the dates we had, which every thought that ever started in the last few weeks, I have pushed far far away. I didn’t want to remember the lovely times, since I knew I wouldn’t get them again. Why hurt myself on purpose?! I don’t know why I allowed it last night. It was a mistake.
There are still feelings for him – and I do not want them. I don’t want to think this is the turning point, because it isn’t. There’s a reason I deleted all his pictures on my phone and saved them somewhere I didn’t accidentally stumble across. There’s a reason I changed his nickname on my phone, so I’d not recognise right away when someone texts me anymore (I however changed the name back again last night, because it feels so wrong to not have an hamster-emoji next to his name).

I don’t know where all of this will lead. And no, I am not eager to find out. I just feel like everything is getting messed up again, when I tried so hard to put some order in my life lately. And I hate him for this not really. I don’t want him to have so much power over my thoughts without actually trying. It f*ckin sucks!
I even thought about meeting Tinder guy to get my mind off, but also know that it would be wrong. For both of them. Obviously I would get myself into trouble anyway, having feelings for P and Tinder guy only wanting sex. I told him I could not do that, I don’t know why he keeps trying.

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getting over P

Today was the first time since I returned from holidays (5 weeks) that I felt like crying about P. I didn’t, but I was close to having a meltdown.

It’s mostly because I listened to a song from Mark Forster. It’s German, so there’s no point in putting it here, since most of you won’t understand. But it’s about how you keep thinking about someone, although you really want to forget about them (click here if you want to listen to the song either way).

The lyrics just spoke my mind. Although I keep pushing P away so hard. So hard. I just can’t shake him off. And that’s what the song is about.
I’m just glad that I won’t see my school friends anymore now (at least till March), since they’re the only ones that know about the situation and now no one keeps asking me about him all the time. But it doesn’t matter, really. If I’m being honest to myself, I can’t shake him off. I wish I could. And no matter how much I lie to myself that I forgot about him…

Well. I didn’t.

As if it wouldn’t have been enough to be reminded by a song, I dreamt about him last night. Once more I had a dream about being pregnant and he was the father. Somewhen we’ve had sex and were not talking to each other, so it was pretty much the current situation. I didn’t tell anyone, but then started having contractions after work (was still at the hospital). In the dream I texted him, letting him know his kids were going to be born soon, to let him know he could be with me along the birth. He didn’t believe me that I was pregnant since I’d told him before I was not pregnant (once more, reality). I then just said that it was his loss and I was going to care for them by myself then and he can get lost.
Long story short, I woke up, holding my stomach real tight. I have dreamt about being pregnant before, but I never was as anxious when I woke up. About losing my babies. About not actually being pregnant, when it felt so right whilst asleep. Some part of my brain probably had hoped, this way I could get him back into my life… Stupid.

When I first woke up, I did muse whether to let him know I had dreamt about him. But then I realised there was no point. If he didn’t want to talk to me the last 2 weeks, he won’t want to talk to me the next few months either. I could text him. He would reply. We’d have a conversation, all well.
But where’s the point?! Torturing myself by keeping up a contact that is only wanted by me? Not gonna happen.

I just wish I could get over him already. But knowing he matches me so well… realising what we lost, because he’s a coward. It’s so so hard.

Well.. it’s gonna be a long time till I get over him, no matter what.

no more dates…

My brain is like Swiss cheese, I keep forgetting what I last told you guys, so sorry for any reappearances.

He texted me on Saturday without me starting a conversation, which surprised me. However I didn’t hear back from him until Tuesday (we just chatted very shortly at Saturday night since we both were busy), and I started to get worried by then. I know he’s not one to text a lot, yet I think I am allowed to think he can text me every other day, right? Funnily enough he replied right away when I asked him Tuesday morning whether he had found his way back home or had been kidnapped (it’s always like this, me texting – him replying instantly even though there had been a radio silence of a few days).
I let him feel that I was pissed off, saying that I thought I would just ask, not so I take something personal that I shouldn’t. I know he got it, since he didn’t reply anymore.

I texted him that evening again, telling him that I was close to his town this coming Saturday, so if he was willing to meet and had the time, he would be welcome to come as well. I sent him quite the long text, and he did reply to everything except the date suggestion. So I figured that was a “no”. I wasn’t exactly mad or disappointed, because I had expected this… but still, I had hoped I could see him before I go abroad for 2 weeks and it would be at least 2 months since we’ve last seen each other. I lost just yet another little hope.
In his reply he also told me once more that he was out, and I was somewhat pissed (since I also was suffering from the worst headache that evening), that I was wishing him fun and didn’t want to disrupt anything. He asked who was saying that I was bothering him and I said “me”. To this he said “well, YOU have no idea!” and I just told him that he wasn’t exactly making it easy to know what he was thinking. He then got all serious, saying that he knows and apologising. Then I also got the answer about Saturday without asking again or even mentioning his lack of answer: He was already busy. I just said it was okay, because it really was. I know how busy he is on the weekends, and did half-expect him to not be free that weekend.
He then sent me a really cute picture of himself, which made me miss him even more. So I told him he was not exactly making this any easier for me with that. To which he simply stated: “we will meet again soon, I promise…” I then felt bad for saying these things, and told him I really didn’t want to stress him out and just wanted to let him know I was close to his town. He said again that I was not stressing him out with it. Same old story.

All of this was okay for me then. I knew we would see each other eventually. But still, I am somewhat scared of what will happen whilst I’m away. Either he will realise that he actually misses me (since I don’t know whether I’ll be online or not) or he will realise that he really does not have any feelings left, because he doesn’t miss me at all.
And I have realised that I just need some sort of reassurance every week or so, as not to lose my hope in seeing and dating him again. And I don’t want to be all dramatic all the time, I wish he could just give it to me in other ways… but I guess not.

For me it’s hard, because I know his feelings would resurface once we see each other (I am pretty sure of that, I don’t know why), but this is his easy way out. I understand that he doesn’t want to make his situation any harder, since he already doesn’t want a relationship – or isn’t sure about wanting one. But ignoring his feelings by letting them vanish because you don’t see a certain person,… it’s just wrong for me. But then I’m not in his situation.

I don’t know. I’m just trying to stay positive, which becomes harder with each “postponing” and just him telling me how insecure he is about this situation. Although he keeps saying it’s not about me. I don’t know. But I just try to think, that in a few months he might think differently and I need to stick around until then, letting him know how awesome I am 😀

By the way, someone sent me a really nice confidence speech (pep-talk) today which I wanted to share with you guys: http://www.howtogettheguy.com/core-confidence-ty/

Until then… (not sure there will be a post before I leave.. and since I might not have internet on holidays, I may see you guys in 3 weeks time! Byeeee)

torn

I’m not good. I’m really not.

I wish I could put anything that is going through my mind into words, but my mind is going at 140mph and it’s tiring. I just want to shut my emotions off. Shut my brain off. Concentrate on other things. But I need to talk about it and I know it.

I can’t recall what I wrote in my last post and I don’t want to reread for obvious reasons. Reading through the conversation has upset me so much last night. I woke up this morning, and looked like I’ve had an allergic reaction. My face is all puffy from all the crying.
The worst thing for me probably is, that I was so sure of this. Of us. And realising that he didn’t feel like that at all has hurt me the most. I wish he would understand. But I guess I just overwhelmed him with my feelings and I never wanted to do so. I didn’t want to put any more pressure on him. But I also have realised that this situation probably isn’t about his father anymore. That something else wasn’t sitting right with him. But then that’s just what I read in between the lines. And I wanted to stop doing that and therefore stopped rereading that conversation over and over again.

There’s not much I can do apart from accepting what he’s said. I will try to not text him anymore on my part and leave him the space he obviously wants. What is making it so hard though, is that my gut feeling is still here. I woke up this morning, “knowing” he would text me today. But I don’t want to allow that feeling anymore, because it has proven to be wrong all along and I don’t want to get any more hopes up and get disappointed.
I still have that feeling, that he has not completely given up on us, but probably is irrationally thinking this through not allowing his emotions to play any part – or maybe his emotions have vanished over that month we didn’t see each other. Or maybe he can’t allow them because of his grief. I do not know. But there’s also a (brain) thought of mine, that there’s something else that makes him say those things. That maybe he didn’t think we would match before all of this even happened. I wish I could ask him, but I’m not sure whether he would tell me. To me it seems like he tried to let me down gently yesterday. But then again he was honest, he did tell me what was going on – even when he didn’t really know what exactly that was. I don’t know. I’m so torn between what I read, what I interpret and what I feel.

Maybe some distance will help. It definitely won’t help me, but maybe he needs to clear his mind. But then again, he’s done so for the last month. He went out and did things, without thinking of me… so does he really need distance? Probably not.
And I know people are telling me that it’s his loss and he will regret not giving it a go. But I can’t think like that. For me it feels like it is MY loss, simply because he actually felt like my one. I cannot explain this, but that feeling has never been as strong as it has been with him, and for it to be proven wrong is very very depressing. I’m not sure how to get over this, if I’m being honest. I was even thinking about going back to a psychologist, but that’s ridiculous. I can’t just go there because of a heartbreak. What can she do? Nobody can mend my heart apart from time.

I just need him to text me. It’s what would help me right now, but I know he won’t. I know he doesn’t want to deal with this or me right now. And I know I need to move on.

But I can’t.

Help.

This will be my last post about P (probably not).

When I recorded that voice message last night, I knew very well that I would not be able to handle a “no” from him. I knew what I wanted to hear. But there was a reason I was unsure about the whole situation, there have been flags all around. So I needed to ask. I needed to hear it.

He replied this morning and when I first read it, it sounded pretty good to me. But the more times I read it and the more I talked about it with friends, the more I realised that it actually was pretty clear that he was not interested anymore.
He’s always been honest. And he was plain out honest, which I appreciate. I just should ignore my gut feeling, which is still telling me to not give up. But my head has overtaken this position now and I have finally given up. For several reasons.

First of all good morning… so I listened to you voice message yesterday and I do understand your point very well. Unfortunately I don’t really know myself what is best for me currently. And my father’s passing is also still messing me up. The little time we did spend together, I perceived as very nice and I do not regret it at all! However I think, that it wasn’t the best idea to have sex this quickly.
Of course we can meet again at some point, go out for a drink or whatever you want. I just don’t know if I want a relationship right now, as I’ve said before. Not because of you, but because of my current situation 🙈 I have also deleted most of these stupid dating apps!
I really do like you and you are a nice woman. But if we would work out, I don’t really know ☺ (until now, no woman has put up with me 😄)…
I don’t think this answer will help you – but I’m not sure what to tell you.
Best of all you’d pick up a hot guy in Dubai 🤣

This was his message to my voice message. Some things were very cute, and for the first time ever he actually told me that he liked me. But his wording of “but if we would work out, I don’t really know”, it seemed more like a “no we wouldn’t” than otherwise.
I have no idea why he thinks like that, or what is letting him think we would not work out. Stupidly I didn’t ask, which I now always think about of course. He also mentioned how I should hit on someone else, there’s not much more to say about moving on from him, right?
The thing is, I don’t know if he just doesn’t want me to wait, or if he is not interested.

So that’s what I asked. I told him that I was not interested in seeing anyone else but him and that I understood that there was no guarantee we would end up together either way. I told him again that I would wait a year for him, if it’d help him.
He then replied that he doesn’t really know and he really doesn’t “want to waste my time or getting my hopes up, when in the end it doesn’t work out anyway”. Once more pointing in a direction of us not working out.

I explained to him that this felt right for me and therefore it was no waste of time in my opinion. I then more or less asked whether he did not see us working out at all, or was neutral or even positively towards it. He said he was neutral. Is that a good thing? Was he trying to be nice and not hurt me by not saying “I can’t see us”?
I let him know to tell me if his mind changes in any way and it would be okay for me to just see where things would lead us. He then was saying “but it must be okay for you as well… at least we haven’t seen each other in a while by now”. I’m not really sure why he said this. I know we haven’t seen each other in a while, but would that change my mind? More likely it changed his mind.

He then didn’t reply anymore when I said we should just see where things are leading us without any pressure. So I told him that I really need him to be honest and not meet up with me, if he’s not feeling like it. And he said he obviously would.

By then it was like 3 hours after that first text. I had been silently crying at school and really needed some reassurance (which I knew I would not get). So I asked if it may help him sort his feelings out if we saw each other or if he would feel even more pressured by this. Of course I had hoped for a “yes let’s do this”, but I knew I wouldn’t get that. Instead I got a “I will think about it”. Which is a no, right?

So I guess it’s quite obvious why I’ve given up. My heart and mind are fighting, I can literally feel my heart being torn in each direction, not wanting to give up… but also just knowing what I am reading. It is a lot of interpretation, but he’s always been straight forward. Obviously he is not ready for a relationship right now, and the way I read this, not ever with me. So why should I drag myself along in hopes to get my “dream man”, when he is not interested? He may like me, but he doesn’t like me like that.

Yes, it fucking hurts and I have tried to stay strong. Haven’t cried (until now) and probably will be ugly crying myself to sleep tonight. I don’t know what to do. I know I need to leave him be, and I will. I will back away, because that’s what he obviously wants. But it’s hard. Having relied so much on my gut feeling that was as strong as never before… it’s hard to be disappointed. It’s hard to be so sure about someone, when he doesn’t see a future in you. Yes it hurts. And yes, when I drove home after thinking about all of this all day, I realised that my depression has knocked on the door and I let it in. This will be a hard time and I am glad I can go back to work in a month, so I can get my mind off all of this. I really just sort my feelings and decide what to do from now on. I know I cannot simply let him go, but I must. I need to let him go, because he doesn’t want to. But I also know I can’t ignore my feelings I have developed already. And I will wait to see what he’s doing or saying over the next few days or weeks. There’s nothing else left to do, right?

Help.

 

 

voice message

Today I saw a picture of P tagged in it. It was of a party that took place last Saturday. I don’t know why, but it really upset me. It wasn’t like we had set any plans and he cancelled, he didn’t even ask me. He didn’t tell me either he was free. He actually did tell me he had been busy all weekend. But it upset me nonetheless.

I realised that I really need to talk to him about it. My feelings haven’t changed and it’s not like I don’t trust my gut feeling anymore. But I just need to hear it from him – some sort of reassurance he’s still feeling something (or well… he is not – either way). Since the texting has decreased immensely (every 2 days or so) and also has gotten a lot more shallow… I don’t know. I’m just scared he isn’t interested anymore. A lot of things speak for him slowly backing away, yet my gut feeling is telling me otherwise. Of course I am scared that he actually is not interested anymore. Or that I am pushing him away by being so damn clingy. But I just need to know how he’s feeling. What actually is going on. Despite my fear.
I am worried that he’ll leave. I am terrified. Now I at least still have him every other day. I can imagine being with him, that imagination is not destroyed yet. He still is my “dream boy”. If he tells me this is over, I will be devastated. A lot more than ever before. Simply because I had that feeling, that feeling that kept me going. And if this was wrong, I don’t know if I can ever trust my gut ever again. I am actually freaking terrified, which leaves me wondering whether I should actually talk to him about it. But whether he tells me tonight or any other day in the future… it will always hurt. Right?!

So. I have recorded a voice message for all of this. I don’t want any misunderstandings and that he can listen to my voice. Listen to my worries. Not just some plain text. A voice.

I told him that the situation is hard for me to judge whether his distance was because of me or the situation overall. That I do not want to pressure him and I do understand what he says and he gives me no reason to worry… but because of the lack of communication and my interpretation into things, my worries returned. For example when he got drunk the very next day after I asked him to meet, that I wondered whether he didn’t want to see me. And that I do not have any problems with not seeing him and waiting, but that I would love to see him and will be abroad in 2 weeks. That we could meet for just a couple of hours instead of a sleepover. But that I would wait for him, if he needed. But I didn’t know if he just didn’t want to see ME or whether it’d be too much right now, or he’s still too hurt because of the whole situation. But that I also don’t want to bother him too much by texting. Also saying again that I don’t need us to be in a relationship, I don’t want to be another burden to him, but that I just need some reassurance,  because I worry that he’s not interested anymore.
I made clear that I don’t expect the situation to change, but to let him know how I feel about the situation. That I would stop texting if he needed the distance. But that I needed some “direction” in all of this.

I think I will send it tonight, but yes, I am terrified of the answer – if one will come.

 

final goodbye to Alan.

Just for myself: I need some closure about Alan on this blog. He has been long out of my life – it actually feels like a lifetime, when it really hasn’t. I deleted him off any social media by now. But I need to type some things out, to get it out of my system – out of my mind. I don’t intend to talk about him on here anymore, as I really want to cut him out of my life – out of my mind as well. If he ever decides to answer any of my unread letters, I will let you know. But I don’t believe in ever getting an answer anymore, so there’s that.

Just to show myself how long it’s actually been (sometimes it feels a lot longer, sometimes a lot shorter):

  • It’s been 2.5 months since I’ve last seen him, when he was over at my house and we got into that huge fight (May 13th)
  • The last time I heard from him “on his turn” (aka him answering my message 2 days late) has been 1.5 months ago, when he said he hasn’t read my letter yet and didn’t take it with him on his holidays and I said a day later that I will delete his number, so I had no option to text him, which he obviously saw as an invitation to break off any contact (June 14th)
  • It also has already been a month since I put my last letter in his mailbox the day he returned from his holidays… to which I never got an answer. Thank you for wasting probably 8 hours of my life on that one. (24th June)
  • And the very last message I ever got from him, which was a short “thank you” to my ‘stay safe’ message has been 3 weeks ago (30th June)

I can’t even officially say that we broke up, because we never did. But I guess it’s quite obvious that we are no longer together. It’s just… I wish he could have just explained himself at some point instead of just vanishing without a word.

Today a song came on the radio that was/is Alan’s favourite song. I actually really didn’t like that band, but with listening to it so much whilst being with Alan it got stuck in my mind. Whenever something like that happens, I keep wondering how he could have done something like that? It’s not even about me anymore, or about the hurt he’s caused me. But I just don’t understand how someone could do that to anyone?! Of course sometimes I wonder how he’s doing. If he’s suffered at least a little from this breakup. If he still thinks of me at all. What he told his father about our ‘breakup’… or if I’m just like any other exgirlfriend he’s had and he deleted me out of my mind right away.

Funnily enough, when I was deleting pictures of him off my phone, I found some old screenshots. Two weeks prior to our fight he told me how I was the one and only for him and how much he appreciated my personality. Just to be thrown away like garbage 2 weeks later. I still don’t understand his lack of fighting for this relationship. But then he never learned, so yeah.

At the end of the day, all of this doesn’t matter. I know I’m way much better off without him. I do not deserve to be treated like this and it would have never worked out in any possible way. His lack of empathy would have caused me a lot of pain on our further journey, so I’m glad I can fight this battle again by myself. I know who to rely on. It’s funny since everyone asked about our breakup I told them about me pre-cancer cells. Every single one of them has not asked about the breakup afterwards, but about my health. So it still doesn’t get into my head how my boyfriend couldn’t do that. Oh well, maybe there are people out there that need no empathy.

Anyway. As I said in my last post, I am content with being alone right now and that’s all that matters. I will try and cut him out completely. It worked with Stan, it will work with that one as well. So much for “my one” – on to the next one!