breaking up

torn

I’m not good. I’m really not.

I wish I could put anything that is going through my mind into words, but my mind is going at 140mph and it’s tiring. I just want to shut my emotions off. Shut my brain off. Concentrate on other things. But I need to talk about it and I know it.

I can’t recall what I wrote in my last post and I don’t want to reread for obvious reasons. Reading through the conversation has upset me so much last night. I woke up this morning, and looked like I’ve had an allergic reaction. My face is all puffy from all the crying.
The worst thing for me probably is, that I was so sure of this. Of us. And realising that he didn’t feel like that at all has hurt me the most. I wish he would understand. But I guess I just overwhelmed him with my feelings and I never wanted to do so. I didn’t want to put any more pressure on him. But I also have realised that this situation probably isn’t about his father anymore. That something else wasn’t sitting right with him. But then that’s just what I read in between the lines. And I wanted to stop doing that and therefore stopped rereading that conversation over and over again.

There’s not much I can do apart from accepting what he’s said. I will try to not text him anymore on my part and leave him the space he obviously wants. What is making it so hard though, is that my gut feeling is still here. I woke up this morning, “knowing” he would text me today. But I don’t want to allow that feeling anymore, because it has proven to be wrong all along and I don’t want to get any more hopes up and get disappointed.
I still have that feeling, that he has not completely given up on us, but probably is irrationally thinking this through not allowing his emotions to play any part – or maybe his emotions have vanished over that month we didn’t see each other. Or maybe he can’t allow them because of his grief. I do not know. But there’s also a (brain) thought of mine, that there’s something else that makes him say those things. That maybe he didn’t think we would match before all of this even happened. I wish I could ask him, but I’m not sure whether he would tell me. To me it seems like he tried to let me down gently yesterday. But then again he was honest, he did tell me what was going on – even when he didn’t really know what exactly that was. I don’t know. I’m so torn between what I read, what I interpret and what I feel.

Maybe some distance will help. It definitely won’t help me, but maybe he needs to clear his mind. But then again, he’s done so for the last month. He went out and did things, without thinking of me… so does he really need distance? Probably not.
And I know people are telling me that it’s his loss and he will regret not giving it a go. But I can’t think like that. For me it feels like it is MY loss, simply because he actually felt like my one. I cannot explain this, but that feeling has never been as strong as it has been with him, and for it to be proven wrong is very very depressing. I’m not sure how to get over this, if I’m being honest. I was even thinking about going back to a psychologist, but that’s ridiculous. I can’t just go there because of a heartbreak. What can she do? Nobody can mend my heart apart from time.

I just need him to text me. It’s what would help me right now, but I know he won’t. I know he doesn’t want to deal with this or me right now. And I know I need to move on.

But I can’t.

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Help.

This will be my last post about P (probably not).

When I recorded that voice message last night, I knew very well that I would not be able to handle a “no” from him. I knew what I wanted to hear. But there was a reason I was unsure about the whole situation, there have been flags all around. So I needed to ask. I needed to hear it.

He replied this morning and when I first read it, it sounded pretty good to me. But the more times I read it and the more I talked about it with friends, the more I realised that it actually was pretty clear that he was not interested anymore.
He’s always been honest. And he was plain out honest, which I appreciate. I just should ignore my gut feeling, which is still telling me to not give up. But my head has overtaken this position now and I have finally given up. For several reasons.

First of all good morning… so I listened to you voice message yesterday and I do understand your point very well. Unfortunately I don’t really know myself what is best for me currently. And my father’s passing is also still messing me up. The little time we did spend together, I perceived as very nice and I do not regret it at all! However I think, that it wasn’t the best idea to have sex this quickly.
Of course we can meet again at some point, go out for a drink or whatever you want. I just don’t know if I want a relationship right now, as I’ve said before. Not because of you, but because of my current situation 🙈 I have also deleted most of these stupid dating apps!
I really do like you and you are a nice woman. But if we would work out, I don’t really know ☺ (until now, no woman has put up with me 😄)…
I don’t think this answer will help you – but I’m not sure what to tell you.
Best of all you’d pick up a hot guy in Dubai 🤣

This was his message to my voice message. Some things were very cute, and for the first time ever he actually told me that he liked me. But his wording of “but if we would work out, I don’t really know”, it seemed more like a “no we wouldn’t” than otherwise.
I have no idea why he thinks like that, or what is letting him think we would not work out. Stupidly I didn’t ask, which I now always think about of course. He also mentioned how I should hit on someone else, there’s not much more to say about moving on from him, right?
The thing is, I don’t know if he just doesn’t want me to wait, or if he is not interested.

So that’s what I asked. I told him that I was not interested in seeing anyone else but him and that I understood that there was no guarantee we would end up together either way. I told him again that I would wait a year for him, if it’d help him.
He then replied that he doesn’t really know and he really doesn’t “want to waste my time or getting my hopes up, when in the end it doesn’t work out anyway”. Once more pointing in a direction of us not working out.

I explained to him that this felt right for me and therefore it was no waste of time in my opinion. I then more or less asked whether he did not see us working out at all, or was neutral or even positively towards it. He said he was neutral. Is that a good thing? Was he trying to be nice and not hurt me by not saying “I can’t see us”?
I let him know to tell me if his mind changes in any way and it would be okay for me to just see where things would lead us. He then was saying “but it must be okay for you as well… at least we haven’t seen each other in a while by now”. I’m not really sure why he said this. I know we haven’t seen each other in a while, but would that change my mind? More likely it changed his mind.

He then didn’t reply anymore when I said we should just see where things are leading us without any pressure. So I told him that I really need him to be honest and not meet up with me, if he’s not feeling like it. And he said he obviously would.

By then it was like 3 hours after that first text. I had been silently crying at school and really needed some reassurance (which I knew I would not get). So I asked if it may help him sort his feelings out if we saw each other or if he would feel even more pressured by this. Of course I had hoped for a “yes let’s do this”, but I knew I wouldn’t get that. Instead I got a “I will think about it”. Which is a no, right?

So I guess it’s quite obvious why I’ve given up. My heart and mind are fighting, I can literally feel my heart being torn in each direction, not wanting to give up… but also just knowing what I am reading. It is a lot of interpretation, but he’s always been straight forward. Obviously he is not ready for a relationship right now, and the way I read this, not ever with me. So why should I drag myself along in hopes to get my “dream man”, when he is not interested? He may like me, but he doesn’t like me like that.

Yes, it fucking hurts and I have tried to stay strong. Haven’t cried (until now) and probably will be ugly crying myself to sleep tonight. I don’t know what to do. I know I need to leave him be, and I will. I will back away, because that’s what he obviously wants. But it’s hard. Having relied so much on my gut feeling that was as strong as never before… it’s hard to be disappointed. It’s hard to be so sure about someone, when he doesn’t see a future in you. Yes it hurts. And yes, when I drove home after thinking about all of this all day, I realised that my depression has knocked on the door and I let it in. This will be a hard time and I am glad I can go back to work in a month, so I can get my mind off all of this. I really just sort my feelings and decide what to do from now on. I know I cannot simply let him go, but I must. I need to let him go, because he doesn’t want to. But I also know I can’t ignore my feelings I have developed already. And I will wait to see what he’s doing or saying over the next few days or weeks. There’s nothing else left to do, right?

Help.

 

 

voice message

Today I saw a picture of P tagged in it. It was of a party that took place last Saturday. I don’t know why, but it really upset me. It wasn’t like we had set any plans and he cancelled, he didn’t even ask me. He didn’t tell me either he was free. He actually did tell me he had been busy all weekend. But it upset me nonetheless.

I realised that I really need to talk to him about it. My feelings haven’t changed and it’s not like I don’t trust my gut feeling anymore. But I just need to hear it from him – some sort of reassurance he’s still feeling something (or well… he is not – either way). Since the texting has decreased immensely (every 2 days or so) and also has gotten a lot more shallow… I don’t know. I’m just scared he isn’t interested anymore. A lot of things speak for him slowly backing away, yet my gut feeling is telling me otherwise. Of course I am scared that he actually is not interested anymore. Or that I am pushing him away by being so damn clingy. But I just need to know how he’s feeling. What actually is going on. Despite my fear.
I am worried that he’ll leave. I am terrified. Now I at least still have him every other day. I can imagine being with him, that imagination is not destroyed yet. He still is my “dream boy”. If he tells me this is over, I will be devastated. A lot more than ever before. Simply because I had that feeling, that feeling that kept me going. And if this was wrong, I don’t know if I can ever trust my gut ever again. I am actually freaking terrified, which leaves me wondering whether I should actually talk to him about it. But whether he tells me tonight or any other day in the future… it will always hurt. Right?!

So. I have recorded a voice message for all of this. I don’t want any misunderstandings and that he can listen to my voice. Listen to my worries. Not just some plain text. A voice.

I told him that the situation is hard for me to judge whether his distance was because of me or the situation overall. That I do not want to pressure him and I do understand what he says and he gives me no reason to worry… but because of the lack of communication and my interpretation into things, my worries returned. For example when he got drunk the very next day after I asked him to meet, that I wondered whether he didn’t want to see me. And that I do not have any problems with not seeing him and waiting, but that I would love to see him and will be abroad in 2 weeks. That we could meet for just a couple of hours instead of a sleepover. But that I would wait for him, if he needed. But I didn’t know if he just didn’t want to see ME or whether it’d be too much right now, or he’s still too hurt because of the whole situation. But that I also don’t want to bother him too much by texting. Also saying again that I don’t need us to be in a relationship, I don’t want to be another burden to him, but that I just need some reassurance,  because I worry that he’s not interested anymore.
I made clear that I don’t expect the situation to change, but to let him know how I feel about the situation. That I would stop texting if he needed the distance. But that I needed some “direction” in all of this.

I think I will send it tonight, but yes, I am terrified of the answer – if one will come.

 

final goodbye to Alan.

Just for myself: I need some closure about Alan on this blog. He has been long out of my life – it actually feels like a lifetime, when it really hasn’t. I deleted him off any social media by now. But I need to type some things out, to get it out of my system – out of my mind. I don’t intend to talk about him on here anymore, as I really want to cut him out of my life – out of my mind as well. If he ever decides to answer any of my unread letters, I will let you know. But I don’t believe in ever getting an answer anymore, so there’s that.

Just to show myself how long it’s actually been (sometimes it feels a lot longer, sometimes a lot shorter):

  • It’s been 2.5 months since I’ve last seen him, when he was over at my house and we got into that huge fight (May 13th)
  • The last time I heard from him “on his turn” (aka him answering my message 2 days late) has been 1.5 months ago, when he said he hasn’t read my letter yet and didn’t take it with him on his holidays and I said a day later that I will delete his number, so I had no option to text him, which he obviously saw as an invitation to break off any contact (June 14th)
  • It also has already been a month since I put my last letter in his mailbox the day he returned from his holidays… to which I never got an answer. Thank you for wasting probably 8 hours of my life on that one. (24th June)
  • And the very last message I ever got from him, which was a short “thank you” to my ‘stay safe’ message has been 3 weeks ago (30th June)

I can’t even officially say that we broke up, because we never did. But I guess it’s quite obvious that we are no longer together. It’s just… I wish he could have just explained himself at some point instead of just vanishing without a word.

Today a song came on the radio that was/is Alan’s favourite song. I actually really didn’t like that band, but with listening to it so much whilst being with Alan it got stuck in my mind. Whenever something like that happens, I keep wondering how he could have done something like that? It’s not even about me anymore, or about the hurt he’s caused me. But I just don’t understand how someone could do that to anyone?! Of course sometimes I wonder how he’s doing. If he’s suffered at least a little from this breakup. If he still thinks of me at all. What he told his father about our ‘breakup’… or if I’m just like any other exgirlfriend he’s had and he deleted me out of my mind right away.

Funnily enough, when I was deleting pictures of him off my phone, I found some old screenshots. Two weeks prior to our fight he told me how I was the one and only for him and how much he appreciated my personality. Just to be thrown away like garbage 2 weeks later. I still don’t understand his lack of fighting for this relationship. But then he never learned, so yeah.

At the end of the day, all of this doesn’t matter. I know I’m way much better off without him. I do not deserve to be treated like this and it would have never worked out in any possible way. His lack of empathy would have caused me a lot of pain on our further journey, so I’m glad I can fight this battle again by myself. I know who to rely on. It’s funny since everyone asked about our breakup I told them about me pre-cancer cells. Every single one of them has not asked about the breakup afterwards, but about my health. So it still doesn’t get into my head how my boyfriend couldn’t do that. Oh well, maybe there are people out there that need no empathy.

Anyway. As I said in my last post, I am content with being alone right now and that’s all that matters. I will try and cut him out completely. It worked with Stan, it will work with that one as well. So much for “my one” – on to the next one!

sadness overload.

All of a sudden these last few days, emotions have bubbled up in me. Whilst anger was the most obvious over the course of the last couple of weeks, a deep sadness has overcome me ever since I stopped working last Thursday. I was able to keep it at bay by working on my school stuff. However today it got to me. Big time.

It’s not a sadness I’ve felt before, about being single and apparently not being able to hold up a relationship. Or seeing everyone happy around me, dating or being in long-term-relationships (which of course is not helping out at all right now). But the sadness of losing a part of myself. I don’t know where all these tears have come from as I haven’t cried in probably 2-3 weeks about this breakup. But now I can’t hold them back anymore. I haven’t cried for so long, and now they’re overflowing. All of a sudden. I didn’t even particularly think about Alan, when a sadness has started to form from my stomach upwards. And now I’m sitting here in bed, tears spilling on my tshirt.

Maybe it’s part of the realisation. Knowing that he will fly away for 3 weeks tomorrow and doesn’t even have the nerve to tell me what he thought about the letter. Not one word was said ever since I sent him the package. It just hurts so much to once more have provided trust in someone that obviously has not deserved it.

I’m just so hurt.

yet another relationship that failed…

So it’s done. I guess.

So things escalated pretty quickly after yesterday’s nightly conversation. I don’t think I could have told him any more detailed how he made me feel, without actually putting the blame on him in a specific way. He just said “mmh” and another blast about why I didn’t say straight away after he asked what was wrong. To which I said that I told him I would not mentioned that subject again.
Him: “I don’t know what to do, so I don’t get an negative reaction from you”. He then asked if he still should come today. I said it was his decision, but that he still may. He said that he was very insecure (which I understand) and then asked me when I was going on holidays. What the fuck? Firstly I already told him, as we once planned to go there together, because we’re flying at the same day. Secondly, what about coming over?! He didn’t say anything to that anymore. So this morning when I woke up I wrote: “I guess your non existent answer and reaction means you won’t come over today”. He didn’t reply for 7 hours. So I just sent another “okay”.

Now the best part. He said: “They way we talk with each other is not how I like it and not very helpful to see each other today, so I’m not coming.” What. The. Actual. FUCK?! What kind of reason is that??? So I just answered that I will send his things by mail and best of luck at his exam.

Now you know what? It’s not done yet. He got one last cherry on the top of this huge cake:

“Ah okay. Thanks. Can you give me your banking details?”

That’s all. All that I got for this relationship, for being “his one”. This is all I got about ending things. ‘Ah okay’. I really still don’t know whether to laugh or cry about this. And then as if that’s not enough. His second thought goes to money, because we were planning on going to a concert together. Really? Keeping things neutral, right?

being single again!

Yesterday, I talked to a friend about the whole situation of Alan and I. She knows me very well (I actually didn’t want to mention anything about this, but she knew right away when she saw me, that something was wrong). Talking to her has made me realise a few things. Plus she said I needed to write my emotions down, which obviously I have been doing on here. But sorting them in any way has been missing this far.

Just for a short recap:

  • The last time Alan and I actually talked about anything with importance (which was intended on my side, as always) was May 18th, so over a week ago. It was that time when he was angry about me ignoring his ignorance towards my depression.
  • I have told him at least 3 times what my problems are and how he could make them lessen. He has not understood once and has not done anything about it this far. He didn’t ask back to even try to understand or anything the like.
  • Also May 18th I told him that I will not ever talk about that subject (intended from my side) again. If he’d had questions, he could ask. 7 days later, not one word has been said about it. But what did I expect? Not talking about problems does make them vanish, right? [/irony off]
  • I asked him on Thursday if we wanted to meet up on Saturday, to which he said he would be grateful. When I asked him again on Friday he said he didn’t have the time.
  • Sunday I told him that it upset me to see all the couples. He said “I would have loved to join you guys, or at least to see you.” Which was cute. But without a second breath he said “I’m already upset about the exams again”. Really?
  • He asked to call me, I said yes. He didn’t, so I went to sleep. (I actually stayed up just to wait for his call. When he didn’t call for 30 minutes I went to bed).
  • The conversation has went from somewhat regular and normal, to pretty much nonexistent. It usually goes from his asking “how are you” (to which he does not react no matter what I say) to him telling me what he currently is doing. I don’t even react anymore. I don’t need a boyfriend to talk about work, the weather or whatever.

So to keep things short: we’ve talked daily but it has been a regular conversation like I would talk to a friend or even stranger. No emotions involved and I didn’t even try to keep the conversation up anymore, because he usually won’t answer if it’s not about him.

My friend asked me if I still had feelings. I can’t actually tell, right now the annoyance and disappointment stands above all. What I do know, is that I am giving him a “second” chance. But I also know that if he will not talk about ‘my’ problems from his side, I’m done with this relationship. I need someone to be here for me, no matter what is going on in his life. Even less if it’s just exams. I wouldn’t even dare to put my exams above anything personal of my friends. And as I am pretty sure he will not ever start the conversation about this subject, this relationship is pretty much done for me.

My friend made me realise what I need. I did know before, but sometimes you need to speak it out loud to really let it sink in. I need someone that understands my health and mental issues – or at least tries to. Someone I know I can rely on, no matter what is going on apart from me. And Alan can not give me that. His life has always been priority in everyone’s life. He’s a single kid. He’s never had mental or health issues. His parents got divorced a year ago. And excuse my language, but if you cannot handle a separation of your parents at the age of 25, I’m not sure you can handle life (I’m not saying it is easy, but at least a lot less frightening than when your parents get divorced when you’re still a kid or teenager). This has been the only bad thing in his life, so you can imagine how much of a spoilt kid he is. Yes, everything has been going smooth in his life for now, and that’s good for him. But he will not be able to deal with my life, that is all kinds of up and downs.

I also told my friend about my “possible” cancer, and she showed me once more that without even being able to actually help, you can still help in some ways. You can talk about it. You can ask how I feel. You can make me feel better. Alan cannot do this.

I don’t even want to see Alan anymore, and I know this is setting a high wall for him. If he even wants to talk about the problem, would he do it in person? I do not think so, because he never has. He doesn’t ask. So in just 1.5 weeks time he’s flying to America for 3 weeks. If things are not solved until the end of it, I’m done with this relationship. I probably will go over to Mr. Cucu’s place and put the things Alan still has at my place in his mailbox on the way.

So when I’m being completely honest with myself. I am probably already wrapping my head about being single very soon again. And the thoughts of being a failure have popped up. But my friend also made me realise that it doesn’t matter. At least I know once more what I do need in a relationship and what to look for. Because if I am in a relationship like the one I am currently in, I can just as well be single. Because I get the same amount of support.

My friend also asked me if I just haven’t broken up with him yet, because it’s a hard step to take. But it actually is not. There still is a tiny spark of hope, that he will understand. That things will turn. I remember how I felt in the beginning, and that’s the only thing that is currently holding me back from breaking up with him right now. I’m hanging onto a tiny thread of hope. And I know that it can make me fall far far down. So I’m slowly getting used to the thought of a life without him (which I currently have, if we’re being honest). I have also been thinking about putting a break between us. Does it help him see the problems? Maybe it was just the wrong time to meet. Maybe it’s not meant to be. Who really knows?

Welcome to the single life without actually being single.