I had a feeling: Not to get my hopes up, because they’d come crashing down soon enough.
I didn’t expect it to be the very next day, but let’s start from the beginning:
I did not actually reply to his suggestion of meeting up, since he didn’t really ask but just made a statement about seeing each other. Since he asked straight after how I work over the holidays, I just replied to that question. I didn’t tell him that I would love to see him or anything the like. And as I said in my last post, I tried not to get my hopes up, since I wouldn’t believe that he actually wanted to see me, until he stood right in front of me. I don’t believe he will ask again. Just a feeling. But we’ll see.
Well, his wording was funny anyway. So I pointed out whether he thought meeting up with me wasn’t relaxing. At first he said “sure it’s so restraining”, but right after said that it of course was relaxing, but maybe it wasn’t for me. I made a joke about how it was upsetting to always translate his accent into my own ‘language’. He corrected my wording and I said “excuse me, I kind of have fallen out of using your language since it’s been a while”. He texted me this morning saying “why? You can now learn with your new colleague 😉 ”
Okay. I understand, he doesn’t plan on keep talking to me?! He has kept the conversation up so far however, I didn’t reply to some of his messages. I don’t want to get my hopes up, because I know I’m tumbling. My walls are starting to crumble especially.
For the first time in a month or so, I looked at his pictures again last night. And I still had that familiar feeling in my stomach. I remembered all the dates we had, which every thought that ever started in the last few weeks, I have pushed far far away. I didn’t want to remember the lovely times, since I knew I wouldn’t get them again. Why hurt myself on purpose?! I don’t know why I allowed it last night. It was a mistake.
There are still feelings for him – and I do not want them. I don’t want to think this is the turning point, because it isn’t. There’s a reason I deleted all his pictures on my phone and saved them somewhere I didn’t accidentally stumble across. There’s a reason I changed his nickname on my phone, so I’d not recognise right away when someone texts me anymore (I however changed the name back again last night, because it feels so wrong to not have an hamster-emoji next to his name).
I don’t know where all of this will lead. And no, I am not eager to find out. I just feel like everything is getting messed up again, when I tried so hard to put some order in my life lately. And I hate him for this
not really. I don’t want him to have so much power over my thoughts without actually trying. It f*ckin sucks!
I even thought about meeting Tinder guy to get my mind off, but also know that it would be wrong. For both of them. Obviously I would get myself into trouble anyway, having feelings for P and Tinder guy only wanting sex. I told him I could not do that, I don’t know why he keeps trying.