I’m not good. I’m really not.
I wish I could put anything that is going through my mind into words, but my mind is going at 140mph and it’s tiring. I just want to shut my emotions off. Shut my brain off. Concentrate on other things. But I need to talk about it and I know it.
I can’t recall what I wrote in my last post and I don’t want to reread for obvious reasons. Reading through the conversation has upset me so much last night. I woke up this morning, and looked like I’ve had an allergic reaction. My face is all puffy from all the crying.
The worst thing for me probably is, that I was so sure of this. Of us. And realising that he didn’t feel like that at all has hurt me the most. I wish he would understand. But I guess I just overwhelmed him with my feelings and I never wanted to do so. I didn’t want to put any more pressure on him. But I also have realised that this situation probably isn’t about his father anymore. That something else wasn’t sitting right with him. But then that’s just what I read in between the lines. And I wanted to stop doing that and therefore stopped rereading that conversation over and over again.
There’s not much I can do apart from accepting what he’s said. I will try to not text him anymore on my part and leave him the space he obviously wants. What is making it so hard though, is that my gut feeling is still here. I woke up this morning, “knowing” he would text me today. But I don’t want to allow that feeling anymore, because it has proven to be wrong all along and I don’t want to get any more hopes up and get disappointed.
I still have that feeling, that he has not completely given up on us, but probably is irrationally thinking this through not allowing his emotions to play any part – or maybe his emotions have vanished over that month we didn’t see each other. Or maybe he can’t allow them because of his grief. I do not know. But there’s also a (brain) thought of mine, that there’s something else that makes him say those things. That maybe he didn’t think we would match before all of this even happened. I wish I could ask him, but I’m not sure whether he would tell me. To me it seems like he tried to let me down gently yesterday. But then again he was honest, he did tell me what was going on – even when he didn’t really know what exactly that was. I don’t know. I’m so torn between what I read, what I interpret and what I feel.
Maybe some distance will help. It definitely won’t help me, but maybe he needs to clear his mind. But then again, he’s done so for the last month. He went out and did things, without thinking of me… so does he really need distance? Probably not.
And I know people are telling me that it’s his loss and he will regret not giving it a go. But I can’t think like that. For me it feels like it is MY loss, simply because he actually felt like my one. I cannot explain this, but that feeling has never been as strong as it has been with him, and for it to be proven wrong is very very depressing. I’m not sure how to get over this, if I’m being honest. I was even thinking about going back to a psychologist, but that’s ridiculous. I can’t just go there because of a heartbreak. What can she do? Nobody can mend my heart apart from time.
I just need him to text me. It’s what would help me right now, but I know he won’t. I know he doesn’t want to deal with this or me right now. And I know I need to move on.
But I can’t.