breaking up

final goodbye to Alan.

Just for myself: I need some closure about Alan on this blog. He has been long out of my life – it actually feels like a lifetime, when it really hasn’t. I deleted him off any social media by now. But I need to type some things out, to get it out of my system – out of my mind. I don’t intend to talk about him on here anymore, as I really want to cut him out of my life – out of my mind as well. If he ever decides to answer any of my unread letters, I will let you know. But I don’t believe in ever getting an answer anymore, so there’s that.

Just to show myself how long it’s actually been (sometimes it feels a lot longer, sometimes a lot shorter):

  • It’s been 2.5 months since I’ve last seen him, when he was over at my house and we got into that huge fight (May 13th)
  • The last time I heard from him “on his turn” (aka him answering my message 2 days late) has been 1.5 months ago, when he said he hasn’t read my letter yet and didn’t take it with him on his holidays and I said a day later that I will delete his number, so I had no option to text him, which he obviously saw as an invitation to break off any contact (June 14th)
  • It also has already been a month since I put my last letter in his mailbox the day he returned from his holidays… to which I never got an answer. Thank you for wasting probably 8 hours of my life on that one. (24th June)
  • And the very last message I ever got from him, which was a short “thank you” to my ‘stay safe’ message has been 3 weeks ago (30th June)

I can’t even officially say that we broke up, because we never did. But I guess it’s quite obvious that we are no longer together. It’s just… I wish he could have just explained himself at some point instead of just vanishing without a word.

Today a song came on the radio that was/is Alan’s favourite song. I actually really didn’t like that band, but with listening to it so much whilst being with Alan it got stuck in my mind. Whenever something like that happens, I keep wondering how he could have done something like that? It’s not even about me anymore, or about the hurt he’s caused me. But I just don’t understand how someone could do that to anyone?! Of course sometimes I wonder how he’s doing. If he’s suffered at least a little from this breakup. If he still thinks of me at all. What he told his father about our ‘breakup’… or if I’m just like any other exgirlfriend he’s had and he deleted me out of my mind right away.

Funnily enough, when I was deleting pictures of him off my phone, I found some old screenshots. Two weeks prior to our fight he told me how I was the one and only for him and how much he appreciated my personality. Just to be thrown away like garbage 2 weeks later. I still don’t understand his lack of fighting for this relationship. But then he never learned, so yeah.

At the end of the day, all of this doesn’t matter. I know I’m way much better off without him. I do not deserve to be treated like this and it would have never worked out in any possible way. His lack of empathy would have caused me a lot of pain on our further journey, so I’m glad I can fight this battle again by myself. I know who to rely on. It’s funny since everyone asked about our breakup I told them about me pre-cancer cells. Every single one of them has not asked about the breakup afterwards, but about my health. So it still doesn’t get into my head how my boyfriend couldn’t do that. Oh well, maybe there are people out there that need no empathy.

Anyway. As I said in my last post, I am content with being alone right now and that’s all that matters. I will try and cut him out completely. It worked with Stan, it will work with that one as well. So much for “my one” – on to the next one!

sadness overload.

All of a sudden these last few days, emotions have bubbled up in me. Whilst anger was the most obvious over the course of the last couple of weeks, a deep sadness has overcome me ever since I stopped working last Thursday. I was able to keep it at bay by working on my school stuff. However today it got to me. Big time.

It’s not a sadness I’ve felt before, about being single and apparently not being able to hold up a relationship. Or seeing everyone happy around me, dating or being in long-term-relationships (which of course is not helping out at all right now). But the sadness of losing a part of myself. I don’t know where all these tears have come from as I haven’t cried in probably 2-3 weeks about this breakup. But now I can’t hold them back anymore. I haven’t cried for so long, and now they’re overflowing. All of a sudden. I didn’t even particularly think about Alan, when a sadness has started to form from my stomach upwards. And now I’m sitting here in bed, tears spilling on my tshirt.

Maybe it’s part of the realisation. Knowing that he will fly away for 3 weeks tomorrow and doesn’t even have the nerve to tell me what he thought about the letter. Not one word was said ever since I sent him the package. It just hurts so much to once more have provided trust in someone that obviously has not deserved it.

I’m just so hurt.

yet another relationship that failed…

So it’s done. I guess.

So things escalated pretty quickly after yesterday’s nightly conversation. I don’t think I could have told him any more detailed how he made me feel, without actually putting the blame on him in a specific way. He just said “mmh” and another blast about why I didn’t say straight away after he asked what was wrong. To which I said that I told him I would not mentioned that subject again.
Him: “I don’t know what to do, so I don’t get an negative reaction from you”. He then asked if he still should come today. I said it was his decision, but that he still may. He said that he was very insecure (which I understand) and then asked me when I was going on holidays. What the fuck? Firstly I already told him, as we once planned to go there together, because we’re flying at the same day. Secondly, what about coming over?! He didn’t say anything to that anymore. So this morning when I woke up I wrote: “I guess your non existent answer and reaction means you won’t come over today”. He didn’t reply for 7 hours. So I just sent another “okay”.

Now the best part. He said: “They way we talk with each other is not how I like it and not very helpful to see each other today, so I’m not coming.” What. The. Actual. FUCK?! What kind of reason is that??? So I just answered that I will send his things by mail and best of luck at his exam.

Now you know what? It’s not done yet. He got one last cherry on the top of this huge cake:

“Ah okay. Thanks. Can you give me your banking details?”

That’s all. All that I got for this relationship, for being “his one”. This is all I got about ending things. ‘Ah okay’. I really still don’t know whether to laugh or cry about this. And then as if that’s not enough. His second thought goes to money, because we were planning on going to a concert together. Really? Keeping things neutral, right?

being single again!

Yesterday, I talked to a friend about the whole situation of Alan and I. She knows me very well (I actually didn’t want to mention anything about this, but she knew right away when she saw me, that something was wrong). Talking to her has made me realise a few things. Plus she said I needed to write my emotions down, which obviously I have been doing on here. But sorting them in any way has been missing this far.

Just for a short recap:

  • The last time Alan and I actually talked about anything with importance (which was intended on my side, as always) was May 18th, so over a week ago. It was that time when he was angry about me ignoring his ignorance towards my depression.
  • I have told him at least 3 times what my problems are and how he could make them lessen. He has not understood once and has not done anything about it this far. He didn’t ask back to even try to understand or anything the like.
  • Also May 18th I told him that I will not ever talk about that subject (intended from my side) again. If he’d had questions, he could ask. 7 days later, not one word has been said about it. But what did I expect? Not talking about problems does make them vanish, right? [/irony off]
  • I asked him on Thursday if we wanted to meet up on Saturday, to which he said he would be grateful. When I asked him again on Friday he said he didn’t have the time.
  • Sunday I told him that it upset me to see all the couples. He said “I would have loved to join you guys, or at least to see you.” Which was cute. But without a second breath he said “I’m already upset about the exams again”. Really?
  • He asked to call me, I said yes. He didn’t, so I went to sleep. (I actually stayed up just to wait for his call. When he didn’t call for 30 minutes I went to bed).
  • The conversation has went from somewhat regular and normal, to pretty much nonexistent. It usually goes from his asking “how are you” (to which he does not react no matter what I say) to him telling me what he currently is doing. I don’t even react anymore. I don’t need a boyfriend to talk about work, the weather or whatever.

So to keep things short: we’ve talked daily but it has been a regular conversation like I would talk to a friend or even stranger. No emotions involved and I didn’t even try to keep the conversation up anymore, because he usually won’t answer if it’s not about him.

My friend asked me if I still had feelings. I can’t actually tell, right now the annoyance and disappointment stands above all. What I do know, is that I am giving him a “second” chance. But I also know that if he will not talk about ‘my’ problems from his side, I’m done with this relationship. I need someone to be here for me, no matter what is going on in his life. Even less if it’s just exams. I wouldn’t even dare to put my exams above anything personal of my friends. And as I am pretty sure he will not ever start the conversation about this subject, this relationship is pretty much done for me.

My friend made me realise what I need. I did know before, but sometimes you need to speak it out loud to really let it sink in. I need someone that understands my health and mental issues – or at least tries to. Someone I know I can rely on, no matter what is going on apart from me. And Alan can not give me that. His life has always been priority in everyone’s life. He’s a single kid. He’s never had mental or health issues. His parents got divorced a year ago. And excuse my language, but if you cannot handle a separation of your parents at the age of 25, I’m not sure you can handle life (I’m not saying it is easy, but at least a lot less frightening than when your parents get divorced when you’re still a kid or teenager). This has been the only bad thing in his life, so you can imagine how much of a spoilt kid he is. Yes, everything has been going smooth in his life for now, and that’s good for him. But he will not be able to deal with my life, that is all kinds of up and downs.

I also told my friend about my “possible” cancer, and she showed me once more that without even being able to actually help, you can still help in some ways. You can talk about it. You can ask how I feel. You can make me feel better. Alan cannot do this.

I don’t even want to see Alan anymore, and I know this is setting a high wall for him. If he even wants to talk about the problem, would he do it in person? I do not think so, because he never has. He doesn’t ask. So in just 1.5 weeks time he’s flying to America for 3 weeks. If things are not solved until the end of it, I’m done with this relationship. I probably will go over to Mr. Cucu’s place and put the things Alan still has at my place in his mailbox on the way.

So when I’m being completely honest with myself. I am probably already wrapping my head about being single very soon again. And the thoughts of being a failure have popped up. But my friend also made me realise that it doesn’t matter. At least I know once more what I do need in a relationship and what to look for. Because if I am in a relationship like the one I am currently in, I can just as well be single. Because I get the same amount of support.

My friend also asked me if I just haven’t broken up with him yet, because it’s a hard step to take. But it actually is not. There still is a tiny spark of hope, that he will understand. That things will turn. I remember how I felt in the beginning, and that’s the only thing that is currently holding me back from breaking up with him right now. I’m hanging onto a tiny thread of hope. And I know that it can make me fall far far down. So I’m slowly getting used to the thought of a life without him (which I currently have, if we’re being honest). I have also been thinking about putting a break between us. Does it help him see the problems? Maybe it was just the wrong time to meet. Maybe it’s not meant to be. Who really knows?

Welcome to the single life without actually being single.

life goes on… without me?!

Things have been hard that weekend I was talking about last week. After our huge fight that weekend, things have gotten better a little. At least for the week. But we’re still on a rollercoaster. He’s taken time for his hobby again and did the things he enjoyed. I told him that he should just put some chores back and do what he’s happy about. And his mood has been much better while doing so. He even managed to spend 2 hours with his sister without fighting, which is really rare, let me tell you. But he still gets those days when he is really down and takes me down with him. Like today. But more about that later.

I’m happy at one hand, that those things happened and we’ve gone through together, because it made us bound even more. I do realise each day that I love him more every day, that we can get through the hard times. But sometimes it is really hard to deal with him. On days like today. But then I think about our half-year-anniversary on Saturday, and how fast time has flown by and how much we’ve gone through already. I do want to be with and help him, but sometimes you just have to look after yourself and take care of your own life. Or am I wrong?

Well I feel like it’s only him left in the relationship. It doesn’t really matter anymore how I feel. What I’m doing. I’m having big issues with my future, but it just doesn’t seem to be quite big enough to be a subject in our relationship. I feel like I cannot tell anything anymore, it’s always him and his depression, and his problems. I do want to be with him and help him and make his life easier. But lately I’ve been struggeling with my own life and I feel like I’m alone with it. I have dumped some of my friends for him and I feel weird, if I’d go back to them, now that I’m struggeling. So that is the issue I’m having. Hopefully it’ll get better again, once I’ve had my job interview and know what my life will look like in summer. On the other hand I’m really scared that it’ll get even harder. If I do get the job, I will have weekend shifts, so no time for the boyfriend. Dunno. I’m lost.

Then there’s him just not wanting to change anything, but always complaining about his life. He’s had real trouble at work and I told him what to do, but he just doesn’t want to hear it. He’s talking about going back on meds and see a psychiatrist, when the actual problem is his work situation. I am now at a point, where I’m thinking about leaving to make him understand how much he is affecting me with his decisions. I really am and it makes me tear up. I have been crying at work several times today, because it hurts so much even thinking about it. But I can’t let his problems ruin my life. And that’s what he does right now. He’s affecting my life, my health… everything. And I can’t handle it anymore. I’m at a point where I need to take a break. He needs to put up with his boss to change things at work. Or search for a new one. But no, sir is too lazy. Too scared. So I’m not far away to tell him to change something or I’m gone.

So here’s the post from “I’m afraid of losing him” to “I’m going to break up with him if this continues”… oh dear. Mood swings are back. Hello there.