I am currently reading a book series called “The Summer I Turned Pretty”. It’s about 14yo-Belly, who is in love with Conrad. But Conrad doesn’t acknowledge her as more than a sister. She keeps going back to him, although she meets other nice boys and even has a boyfriend at some point, who is very loving. But whenever Conrad shows a glimpse of interest, she let’s everyone else fall.
What is she talking about? You might ask. Right now I feel a bit like Belly.
Remember Dodo? You know, he told me I was the one and we kept chatting every once in a while. He had fallen into depression shortly after what happened with us back in summer and I felt the need to help him out. This got to a peak around Christmas when he drunk-texted me that he really hoped he would die. I told him to search professional help. I was there for him all along, because I didn’t want him to feel rejected. I liked the idea of someone loving me, although I couldn’t give it back and I was having trouble with this situation in the beginning.
It never crossed my mind that he might move on. Silly me.
Yesterday he texted me saying that he’s had a date. Now here comes the weird thing. I felt a bit… jealous. Although I do not even want to be with him, I just always knew there was someone out there still loving me. It gave me some kind of weird power, it made me feel like I was worth the love. Him talking about how good the date was going and they will start dating, it made me feel a bit.. worthless.
Like.. everybody around me is getting the love they deserve (and he truly does deserve it!) and I’m just here like “hey, don’t forget about me guys?!”.
Adding into that, that I have lately bumped into high school friends that are happily married, pregnant or just in a long-term relationship. I just feel like a complete loser lately. I don’t know what to do, because I wish to be them. I want to be happy with a man that accepts me for me. That doesn’t try to belittle me. This just sucks. Big time.
On a bright note. I finally deleted Neo’s number. He hasn’t texted me since Saturday(?) when I asked him when he will fly out. That pretty much sums up what has been going on.
Nothing. Nothing at all.