guy’s friend

Friend’s guy is my best friend’s boyfriend’s best friend. Got that? Anyway, she told me years ago that we would match perfectly when it comes to our personality. I never listened to it, until I actually met him on her birthday in 2016. We was not really what I was looking for when it came to looks (that’s what she told me), but I told her that I was actually interested. She gave him my number, saying that he should text me. That never happened. He told her that he first needs to get over his exgirlfriend. (August 2016)


It has been a while and if anyone has wondered, I am better. I got a letter from my gyn that at least everything else has turned out negative, so I just need to go back and see where or why that inflammation showed up. It’s alright, life will give me what I deserve. If that happens to not be kids, it’s gonna be alright.
I am somewhat in a bad place, because I had to leave my work place again and I really gotten to love them and they treated me very well. I am now just hanging onto the hope, that I can one day return there once I’m done with my studies. Until then I gotta be strong for the next 1.5 years.

Now a little update on ‘my’ guys, I guess you deserve this:

  • I have not heard from crush for over 2 months now, and it’s alright. I’m going to Germany tomorrow and I’m totally okay with not spending 3 times as much money for my holidays there instead of visiting him.
  • Dan has messaged me several times in the last few days about me visiting his city. I did not reply to any of the messages, as I am just over him. He really just annoyed me whenever we texted and he’s totally not for me. I did tell him several times that I did not intend to see him, so it’s not like I’m ghosting him. If we would happen to bump into each other, so be it. But I guess the chance is tiny. I will spend a nice time with my friend there and then that’s it. I moved Dan to the past-section.
  • I have messaged D again this week and we have been texting on and off. I only noticed yesterday when a colleague said he was there to visit, that it was the same day he texted me “you weren’t at work today?!” I didn’t think much of it back then, so that’s kinda funny, as he asked how long I was working and I said 3 weeks – to which he said, he will visit afterwards then.
    To make matters worse, I met another guy at work. He’s not really my type of guy, but he’s really nice and we had a blast. However – as I mentioned above – I left work yesterday and I didn’t get to say goodbye to him, as he was sleeping when I entered the room. I messaged him on facebook, but facebook is a huge pain in the arse when it comes to messaging guys you’re not friends with (it shows up in the ‘other’ section without any notification whatsoever). We’ll see, maybe I’m gonna send him a friend request somewhen.
  • No text message from guy’s friend. We’re friends on instagram now, but no messages. And that’s alright.
  • Also Kenny has showed up once more, however I’m at a place, where I know he’s no good for me. I like how he still tries to flirt with me and I totally let him. But my heart is turned off right now, so that’s alright.


That’s all.


that’s all it is…

Be forewarned, there might be a very depressed post ahead.

Sometimes I wonder if there is anyone out there, who cares the slightest about me. I have found myself thinking how everybody is going out with their friends, go on holidays with their beloved one, marry their significant other, having fun at a theme park with their friends or just randomly chatting with a good friend… and then there’s me. Sitting in my bed. Every day. Alone.
For the longest time, I avoided typing this out, because it makes everything so real. But I am alone. I used to have friends, who only had me,.. who made me feel special and cherished. I felt like they needed me, and I felt important. And then they found a boy-/girlfriend, got into a new group of friends and spent time with them. And I slowly faded out of their life, the importance vanished… I can’t blame them, I’m not the best friend on this world and I keep hanging at home, because I am scared to go out. I rather stay for a movie night, then go out clubbing. I understand that they leave me out. Who wants to hang out with anyone like that? Who wants to hang out with someone that doesn’t ‘bother’ to find time to spend with them…? I wouldn’t either.

Anxiety has taken a huge part in my life again.

I have found myself thinking that my life is actually a game. I know how weird this sounds, but sometimes I’m overwhelmed with the feeling that if I mess it up enough, I will  get a 1UP and begin from anew. Have a new chance to not mess things up and find my true love. This is absolutely nutshell and I know it, but I can’t shake that feeling off. I just am scared to spend this life alone. I want this to be a game, I am able to mess up and not be damaged for the rest of my life without a second chance.

I have my mom, who cares deeply about me, yes. But then that’s about everybody in my life. Friends, who I thought I would have all my life have slowly vanished after meeting their girlfriend. Friends, I have loved spending time with, are into sports and other friends now. Or just starting a family on their own. There’s no place for me.
Sure, I am happy as long as I work. I have lovely colleagues and can help my patients. I’m never alone when I work, I have people all around me. And they like me. But that’s all it is. A work-relationship. For the time being – as long as my shift lasts. I have not met one colleague out of work yet. I have not met a patient to go out (sure, I have bumped into several and had a short catchup, but then again.. that’s all it was – smalltalk).

I just feel so lonely and I feel like I don’t even have a chance to find that significant other. How? I don’t go out, because I have no friends to go out with. And I have shut down so much as not to even meet anyone on the internet. When the loneliness gets too much to bear, I get on Tinder and get my ego back, seeing that there are still guys out there, who match me. But then again… that’s all it is. An internet connection.

Just a quick example for what I’m feeling: guy’s friend. It has been over a month that my friend gave him my number and he has never even reached out to me. What is there to lose for him? Like, we could just chat. I do understand he doesn’t want to get into any new relationship, when he’s still thinking about his ex. But is there any harm to chat? And that’s why I think that he’s not actually interested. My friend said he was not turned off by my approach, but I don’t believe it anymore. I don’t think he even saved my number. I keep bumping into pictures of him, or just random thinking about him and it makes me so sad that I don’t even get a chance. Feeling like I once more waste a one-time chance.

Slowly drowning in self-pity, how much I hate this feeling. But I’m not sure how to get out of this spiral right now.

update on my currents

Just to let you know, how my lovelife is not going. Another quick update on my ‘currents’:

  • Haven’t heard from crush in a while. He declined my friend request so I’ll definitely leave it be and I am so glad I didn’t decide to go there for holidays. It would have been such a let down.
  • Mr. Wave, well my workout routine has been pretty damn shitty over the last month, so I haven’t been to the pool again and therefore haven’t seen him again. Should go there again on Friday. Maybe.
  • D hasn’t texted me as well. It’s funny though, we talked about guys at work last time and everybody was asking me about D, even after what happened with Dan. Which is funny, because some said he was definitely interested in me despite having a girlfriend. I wasn’t that sure after I heard he had been flirting with another colleague but whatever. Maybe I’ll text him again some day, maybe not. It was nice while it lasted 😉
  • That guy of my friend? Short story about him: my friend has been in a relationship for about 3 years and she always told me that her boyfriend’s best friend would totally be my type of guy personality wise. After the failure of a setup from another friend of mine, I was not interested. When I went to her birthday party last Sunday I met him. I immediately thought of what she’d said when they introduced as as best friends of the couple. I didn’t want to overreact though and just was me. We got to talk quickly and she was right, he totally was my type of guy. He was funny, sarcastic, cute, straightforward and so on. Everything I need and love in a guy. So when I left I was kinda bummed to not have any way to contact him. I texted my best friend, saying that she was right about him. She’s sneaky. So she gave him my number, telling that story and that he could text me. He said something about not being over his last ‘love’ yet, but he will text me once he was. I haven’t received a text message yet, which sucks. But it’s alright. It just shows he’s truthful and honest with himself and I love that. Who knows? Maybe one day we’ll meet again. Maybe this was a quick blow.
  • Update on Dan is to come!