2 months

I’m not home much anymore and therefore don’t have my laptop to update the blog. Plus I’m not the biggest fan of typing up a lengthy post on my phone… But here we are, because I gotta update you guys.

Today is our 2 months anniversary. I really don’t know where the time has gone, but it feels good. Usually around that time, first insecurities and thoughts come up. I would lie if I’d say there never have been any. But nowhere to thinking about ending things – like I usually do.

He woke me up this morning to say goodbye before he left the house and said “happy 2 months babe, I like you”. Which made me so happy and I am really no morning person.

We’ve had one or two fights about little things. But we can talk things through, which is new to me. For example I went home the night before yesterday. When I told him I would not stay the night, he got really distant and wanted me to leave for work earlier than usual. I just hugged him, because it hurt – he just kissed me quickly and wanted to walk away. I then hugged him close and he asked what was wrong. I said he was being distant, which he denied. I then left for work, really sad. I texted him several times that I liked him and got nothing back that day. When I then ignored him at work the enxt day, he got super upset again. When we talked about it last night, he said that he thought I didn’t want to see him. At first he complained about not being distant, but with the right questions he then admitted that he was. It’s easier because we can read each other very well. Even if words are unspoken. And we just explained our feelings and everything was well again.

Anyway. Last weekend we spent a few days in Austria with his best friend, his best friend’s girlfriend and his goddaughter. I was pretty shy, due to them speaking another language (which I understand perfectly and can speak, but I hate my dialect). So I wasn’t sure whether they liked me the least, but his best friend texted him the day we left, and said he liked me. Which was such a relief for me. Now it’s just his mom left, I gotta get a good impression.

We also got a really nice picture with his goddaughter and we look like a real family. I keep looking at the picture, because it’s so cute and I really see us there in a few years. His best friend also said at one point “no way it’s gonna take another 2 years until you have a baby”. We don’t plan them until then, because I have uni again for 2 years. But I just said to my friend, what’s gonna happen, is gonna happen. We don’t plan on it, but guess both wouldn’t be sad if it happened either way.

So yes, still going strong.



I didn’t want to make a post, but then I figured, you guys will not hear from me in 2 weeks, so why not one last update before I leave for holidays tomorrow?

The last few days it has been on my part again to start the conversation. He does show interest, but he’s not keeping it up constantly, which is totally fine.
After he’d sent me a really cute picture last Wednesday, I sent one back on Thursday – figuring I could be mean as well. Although I did not know if it would have the same effect on him – I doubt it. I didn’t hear anything for the longest time and then got a “thanks 🙂 “… well that was a disappointment. I had hoped to get something… anything.

The conversation then led to me going away. He didn’t know how long I’d be away, so I told him when he asked. He did say “and what am I gonna do without you?”, which would have been cute if I hadn’t known it was not a flirt-try. I just said ‘the same thing like the last few weeks’ and he simply said “no” and didn’t answer when I asked what he was planning to do then.
I woke up around midnight after that and got mad when he hadn’t replied and said “party party, finally she’s gone”, he found this funny and said he wouldn’t do that because he was too old to party (since when?!). So I asked again what he was planning to do without me and he said “sleep”… I didn’t understand, because it’s not like he couldn’t sleep because I held him awake with phone calls or anything. I did ask again, but didn’t get an answer apart from “I can always sleep”, but no answer to what he’d do when I’m away or what he meant in the first place.

Last night I went out with the girls from class.. I got really upset by the evening, since everyone was drunk apart from me and I texted him. He was somewhat chatty again, but then all of a sudden stopped any sort of conversation since then. I didn’t text him again so far. Don’t know if I will before I leave tomorrow. He knows I leave, so it should be his part, right?!

However. I went to our first dating place today. It was… weird. At first I got all nervous before I got there, but once I stood there, I got calm and felt at peace. I just sat there for a while, enjoying the sun, the sound, the wind, just everything. I remembered things that I had forgotten about our first date. I realised how much of the scenery I did not take in, because I was so fixed upon P back then. But when I realised that I could not sit there forever, I got all sad. I did not want to leave, because to me it felt like leaving him behind. Leaving that last chance to find back together behind. Remembering also made me hope for reliving them at some later time and place.

I am terrified of what may come whilst I’m away. I know that some distance will do us good – especially him. He wants to get away, and that’s what he gets now. I wish he would find back to me though, that he misses me or rather us. I know his emotions are still there, but he just hides them and pushes them away whenever they turn up. I don’t know if I will ever see him again, I do not want to give up and driving away from our dating place made me realise more than ever. I can’t just give up. It hurt so much to give up on a idea of us somewhen being together. I hope he’ll keep his promise to meet up. I hope once we stand in front of each other, our spark will be “relit”. But not seeing each other for even longer isn’t exactly helping the chances of me to get him back to me.

I just hope the distance will help us and not bring us even farther apart.
But we will see.


Honestly. Sometimes I hate people. As I’ve told you guys many times before, I post on lyf several times a day. There are very nice people on there, helping you at any time of the day, which is perfect. Especially for my very low days when I feel depressed and think about self-harming.


There are also a lot of very close-minded people. Let me state an example:
I posted last night, that P had been drunk again. He texted me at 11pm saying that he was getting drunk. I didn’t know how to feel about it, so I wrote a post. He had said in the beginning of our “relationship” that he was not a big drinker himself (since I don’t drink), but he has been drunk 3 times (the ones I know of) since we last saw each other (5 weeks). It’s reasonable really, he was on parties and what not. He is now on a trip abroad, and it’s totally fine to drink. It’s not like I never drink, sometimes I get drunk myself without any reason. But it was making me feel weird nonetheless (or should I say worried?). On the other side he thought of me even in that state, which is saying something as well, right?!

So I posted exactly about this situation and that I was wondering, whether it might be a reason he does not want to date me no more (although he never said so! I was right back into the negative thoughts then – am better again now), because I’m not a very outgoing person. One girl commented on “maybe he lied to you and he is a drinker? You can always just have one or two beers to be happy and not wasted!” This really upset me for several reasons: Who is she to judge someone she doesn’t even know? I get it, she was lied to and doesn’t trust people. But so have I. I mean my mom has been lying to me for the last 16 years, I do have trust issues myself. I get it. But you can’t just reflect the behaviour of some people onto others, that have never gave you any reason to mistrust them!
If someone is as straight-forward as P has been so far, I do not believe he’s lying to me. He wouldn’t have said half the things he did, because he knew I didn’t want to hear them. Someone like that doesn’t lie about these things. And he didn’t even say he doesn’t drink! He just said he was not a big drinker. Maybe he’s having a period of time he drinks more. Even I do have these times. Of course it got me musing whether it was a reason why he didn’t like me (which obviously is wrong as well, since he stated he does like me indeed). But that’s just bullshit and I need to find back into the right mindset I got these last few days.

As for an update about the last few days. I have found my fighting-spirit. He may have not replied with a “let’s meet then and then”, and I knew he wouldn’t. He just replied with our “one year abstinence”-joke, as not to have to reply to my question. But I knew he would.
But as I said, I then realised, why just wait for him without doing things?! I need to let him know what he’s missing out on. Because I know we do match, he just doesn’t allow his feelings right now. So when I went out for dinner on Thursday and was feeling cute, I took a picture and sent it to him (I never did before, I’m not keen on taking selfies). To that I got a heart-eye-shaped emoji, which he doesn’t often use. I also dreamt of him that night (he was the topic of the evening, so I was intensively thinking about our situation). I told him about the dream: I saw him next to a swimming pool and ignored him, since I knew he didn’t want to see me. He just said that it’s my way to cope with what is “occupying” me on the day. He knows I think about it a lot. But he didn’t suggest a meeting. And I have a strong feeling I won’t see him before I leave for holidays in a week. Which is okay.

Yesterday was the first time we texted again like we used to. A lot of funny chattering, he kept the conversation up, when it came to a stall and so on. I then said “I need to tell you something”, which has been on my mind a lot, but I knew it was stupid to tell him. When I didn’t text straight away he was like “you hate me?”… you know, he is thinking about us and I think he’s scared I’ll walk away. Of course that’s once again just reading a lot into things that are not actually there… but there are little signs that tell me he does care about me. More than he wants to.
I then told him about how we could meet as friends, since I have a cold sore and therefore wasn’t allowed to kiss him anyway. He didn’t say much to it (apart from “euwww, I’ve never had a cold sore before!”). He also stated that’s what ‘you get from putting your tongue into everything’. I know he wasn’t trying to be mean,  but he always is pointing towards me kissing and sleeping with everyone, has been right from the beginning. I know there’s some jealousy speaking from within him, so I just said “well, I know by now that you’re not thinking very well of me!” He said that this was not true, to which I didn’t reply anymore. I was mad. I wanted him to know what it feels like to not be replied to when it’s important to solve things. But it’s just not me, so last night I told him to enjoy the weekend abroad.

Once more, he could’ve simply said “thanks” and the conversation would be over, like it had been so many times over the last few weeks. But he asked what I currently was doing. That’s how he told me that he was out drinking. I didn’t say anything about it, just stating that I was going away this weekend as well (since he obviously thinks I sit at home to mourn him).
If he needs to be treated like this, so he realises what he’s losing: so be it. I know that if we see each other, he has to open up again, and I think that is one main reason he doesn’t want to see me. He’s afraid of his feelings – or he knows about them, and is not ready to deal with them I guess. But I can let him know without seeing him. And as I’m sure my friends I’m going on holidays with, will take a LOT of pictures and putting them on facebook, he’ll see I can have fun without him as well. I’m not the lonely, sad girl sitting at home every weekend at all.

This is so not me. I am not one to make someone feel “bad” (it’s not actually bad, right?), to make them realise things. But it seems like it is working on him, since he has been much more talkative the last few days –  or our conversation from Tuesday has done that. I don’t know.
Like, after I sent that picture of myself and I got his response, I didn’t reply all day. Maybe my non-availabilty is making him understand. I do not know. It could also go very wrong, I am well aware of that. But we’ll see. As always.

Until next time…


This will be my last post about P (probably not).

When I recorded that voice message last night, I knew very well that I would not be able to handle a “no” from him. I knew what I wanted to hear. But there was a reason I was unsure about the whole situation, there have been flags all around. So I needed to ask. I needed to hear it.

He replied this morning and when I first read it, it sounded pretty good to me. But the more times I read it and the more I talked about it with friends, the more I realised that it actually was pretty clear that he was not interested anymore.
He’s always been honest. And he was plain out honest, which I appreciate. I just should ignore my gut feeling, which is still telling me to not give up. But my head has overtaken this position now and I have finally given up. For several reasons.

First of all good morning… so I listened to you voice message yesterday and I do understand your point very well. Unfortunately I don’t really know myself what is best for me currently. And my father’s passing is also still messing me up. The little time we did spend together, I perceived as very nice and I do not regret it at all! However I think, that it wasn’t the best idea to have sex this quickly.
Of course we can meet again at some point, go out for a drink or whatever you want. I just don’t know if I want a relationship right now, as I’ve said before. Not because of you, but because of my current situation 🙈 I have also deleted most of these stupid dating apps!
I really do like you and you are a nice woman. But if we would work out, I don’t really know ☺ (until now, no woman has put up with me 😄)…
I don’t think this answer will help you – but I’m not sure what to tell you.
Best of all you’d pick up a hot guy in Dubai 🤣

This was his message to my voice message. Some things were very cute, and for the first time ever he actually told me that he liked me. But his wording of “but if we would work out, I don’t really know”, it seemed more like a “no we wouldn’t” than otherwise.
I have no idea why he thinks like that, or what is letting him think we would not work out. Stupidly I didn’t ask, which I now always think about of course. He also mentioned how I should hit on someone else, there’s not much more to say about moving on from him, right?
The thing is, I don’t know if he just doesn’t want me to wait, or if he is not interested.

So that’s what I asked. I told him that I was not interested in seeing anyone else but him and that I understood that there was no guarantee we would end up together either way. I told him again that I would wait a year for him, if it’d help him.
He then replied that he doesn’t really know and he really doesn’t “want to waste my time or getting my hopes up, when in the end it doesn’t work out anyway”. Once more pointing in a direction of us not working out.

I explained to him that this felt right for me and therefore it was no waste of time in my opinion. I then more or less asked whether he did not see us working out at all, or was neutral or even positively towards it. He said he was neutral. Is that a good thing? Was he trying to be nice and not hurt me by not saying “I can’t see us”?
I let him know to tell me if his mind changes in any way and it would be okay for me to just see where things would lead us. He then was saying “but it must be okay for you as well… at least we haven’t seen each other in a while by now”. I’m not really sure why he said this. I know we haven’t seen each other in a while, but would that change my mind? More likely it changed his mind.

He then didn’t reply anymore when I said we should just see where things are leading us without any pressure. So I told him that I really need him to be honest and not meet up with me, if he’s not feeling like it. And he said he obviously would.

By then it was like 3 hours after that first text. I had been silently crying at school and really needed some reassurance (which I knew I would not get). So I asked if it may help him sort his feelings out if we saw each other or if he would feel even more pressured by this. Of course I had hoped for a “yes let’s do this”, but I knew I wouldn’t get that. Instead I got a “I will think about it”. Which is a no, right?

So I guess it’s quite obvious why I’ve given up. My heart and mind are fighting, I can literally feel my heart being torn in each direction, not wanting to give up… but also just knowing what I am reading. It is a lot of interpretation, but he’s always been straight forward. Obviously he is not ready for a relationship right now, and the way I read this, not ever with me. So why should I drag myself along in hopes to get my “dream man”, when he is not interested? He may like me, but he doesn’t like me like that.

Yes, it fucking hurts and I have tried to stay strong. Haven’t cried (until now) and probably will be ugly crying myself to sleep tonight. I don’t know what to do. I know I need to leave him be, and I will. I will back away, because that’s what he obviously wants. But it’s hard. Having relied so much on my gut feeling that was as strong as never before… it’s hard to be disappointed. It’s hard to be so sure about someone, when he doesn’t see a future in you. Yes it hurts. And yes, when I drove home after thinking about all of this all day, I realised that my depression has knocked on the door and I let it in. This will be a hard time and I am glad I can go back to work in a month, so I can get my mind off all of this. I really just sort my feelings and decide what to do from now on. I know I cannot simply let him go, but I must. I need to let him go, because he doesn’t want to. But I also know I can’t ignore my feelings I have developed already. And I will wait to see what he’s doing or saying over the next few days or weeks. There’s nothing else left to do, right?




voice message

Today I saw a picture of P tagged in it. It was of a party that took place last Saturday. I don’t know why, but it really upset me. It wasn’t like we had set any plans and he cancelled, he didn’t even ask me. He didn’t tell me either he was free. He actually did tell me he had been busy all weekend. But it upset me nonetheless.

I realised that I really need to talk to him about it. My feelings haven’t changed and it’s not like I don’t trust my gut feeling anymore. But I just need to hear it from him – some sort of reassurance he’s still feeling something (or well… he is not – either way). Since the texting has decreased immensely (every 2 days or so) and also has gotten a lot more shallow… I don’t know. I’m just scared he isn’t interested anymore. A lot of things speak for him slowly backing away, yet my gut feeling is telling me otherwise. Of course I am scared that he actually is not interested anymore. Or that I am pushing him away by being so damn clingy. But I just need to know how he’s feeling. What actually is going on. Despite my fear.
I am worried that he’ll leave. I am terrified. Now I at least still have him every other day. I can imagine being with him, that imagination is not destroyed yet. He still is my “dream boy”. If he tells me this is over, I will be devastated. A lot more than ever before. Simply because I had that feeling, that feeling that kept me going. And if this was wrong, I don’t know if I can ever trust my gut ever again. I am actually freaking terrified, which leaves me wondering whether I should actually talk to him about it. But whether he tells me tonight or any other day in the future… it will always hurt. Right?!

So. I have recorded a voice message for all of this. I don’t want any misunderstandings and that he can listen to my voice. Listen to my worries. Not just some plain text. A voice.

I told him that the situation is hard for me to judge whether his distance was because of me or the situation overall. That I do not want to pressure him and I do understand what he says and he gives me no reason to worry… but because of the lack of communication and my interpretation into things, my worries returned. For example when he got drunk the very next day after I asked him to meet, that I wondered whether he didn’t want to see me. And that I do not have any problems with not seeing him and waiting, but that I would love to see him and will be abroad in 2 weeks. That we could meet for just a couple of hours instead of a sleepover. But that I would wait for him, if he needed. But I didn’t know if he just didn’t want to see ME or whether it’d be too much right now, or he’s still too hurt because of the whole situation. But that I also don’t want to bother him too much by texting. Also saying again that I don’t need us to be in a relationship, I don’t want to be another burden to him, but that I just need some reassurance,  because I worry that he’s not interested anymore.
I made clear that I don’t expect the situation to change, but to let him know how I feel about the situation. That I would stop texting if he needed the distance. But that I needed some “direction” in all of this.

I think I will send it tonight, but yes, I am terrified of the answer – if one will come.



I just read an article about how to make relationships last and a quote popped up:

The sheer amount of variables that come into play when you enter into a relationship guarantees that nothing is ever going to go the way you thought it would.

I guess you all know what comes now. Yes, I could relate to this instantly. On a very deep level.

When I think back to the beginning of when I met Paraplegic (in 4 days it’ll be 2 months ago), I wasn’t even interested in him. After our first date however, that changed completely. I told him how much I missed him and he told me that it was no good to precipitate things. So I tried not to. But I didn’t actually understand the whole concept of not precipitating things. I still wanted him around 24/7 and was going crazy when I didn’t see him once a week or couldn’t text him all day long. I was devastated when he didn’t text daily and thought he was leaving me. When he cancelled our date because of his parents (now that I look back on it, I am so glad he had that day with them, before his father passed away only 10 days later), I was devastated I wouldn’t see him in over 7 days. At least. But of course I didn’t bother him too much about it.
Then our weekend together happened. I was on cloud 9, over the moon. I could not believe that I could be as lucky as to have found someone that is truly appreciative of me and is such a caring and loving person. I was not eager to ever let him go or slip out of my hands. I remember wanting to see him Sunday evening again, since I had to leave early that day. Had I known what would happen only 3 days later, I probably would have gone back, even when it was crazy. But I am also very glad we had that weekend to make myself see him in a way I saw him. That he told me he enjoyed the time with me and gave me lots of butterflies to remember. Otherwise I might not be where I am today.

Then, 13th September, he told me that his father had passed away. And everything changed in an instant.

I haven’t seen him in 4 weeks (as of today). I didn’t think I could make it that far and have stated so in several posts up until this point.
Going back to that quote from the beginning: I would have never thought something like a death could happen and would drive us apart. But then again, I think it was also meant to be a lesson for me. Because now I cannot precipitate things. It does make me really wait for him and give him the time he needs. It made me understand that sometimes you can’t rush things..

As you all know, I have always been one to rush into relationships, head over heels. I was glad P told me right from the beginning not to do that, because it already gave me another look on the whole concept. Now that this happened, I had to take a step back. Not just playing it cool, but actually living it. And here I am: still fine.
Of course there are days when worries come up and I fear him leaving, ghosting me or rather not coming back. But most days I am okay. I trust in him coming back when he’s ready. Whether that’d be weeks or months from now.
His father’s passing was a lesson for me: to wait, even without the constant reassurance I usually need. Right now I just trust in my heart and my gut-feeling, without any signs from his side. And I think this is a hard but very valuable lesson for me to learn. Wait and stick around, even when it’s hard. Even when things don’t seem bright and shiny, but that I can trust in words I heard weeks before. That I need not give in into the bad thoughts I sometimes have, but trust in what he’s told me, what he’s made me feel before and what my feeling is telling me.
If he comes back and this turns into a relationship, I have no doubt we will start from a very strong ground and bonding. Even though he still doesn’t let me in or talks about his feelings very much, I know that he trusts me and knows I am here for him.

I have learnt to believe in something new. Something that I have not experienced before and therefore was very sceptical about: my (gut) feeling. That I need to believe in something that might not be around right now, but may very well come.
I need to believe in my strength, in my feelings and most importantly – in myself. Things will turn out like they have to, whether that’d be with or without him, I cannot say. Of course I do want him in my life, because I have never had such a strong feeling about someone (not in a sense of love, because it would be too early to say that, but in someone being good for me). None of my past experiences should allow me to believe in him coming back, because every single person I ever loved have left when things got hard. Yet here I am, believing P will come back. Yes, there’s always that little voice telling me to give up. But I am not. As long as P doesn’t actively push me away or tells me I should get lost, I will keep believing in him coming back – however hard it may be at times.

I can do this.

still waiting…

I think the hardest part for me apart from not talking to him in person, is when he doesn’t start any sort of conversation by text. I looked back on our texts and it was mostly me starting a conversation and if he did text me first that day, it was usually because he hadn’t replied to something the day before. He never has been a big communicator by text, so I know this is one of the reasons.. but still. At least he’s gotten back to his usual emojis. Didn’t realise how much it bothered me when he wouldn’t use a heart-kissy-emoji until I got them again.

The day before yesterday I had sent him a funny picture, he did reply… but then that was it. I left him be, but since I didn’t hear anything from him at all yesterday, I sent him the solution to some crosswords he usually does when he’s at work (he’s off on Monday’s and Friday’s). He did say thank you, but then again no more conversation.
One part of me wants to start up a conversation, because I don’t want him to drift away. Another part thinks that he should start one as well, if he’s interested in me. He shouldn’t feel obliged to talk to me, just because I start every conversation. Does that make any sense to you? Or is it just in my head again?!
I really don’t know what to do in these kind of times. Right now I have a lot to do for school, so it’s not that big of a deal. I’m stressed out anyway and am a ball of emotions, that easily bursts. And it’s not like I’m bored and thinking of him constantly. But once Wednesday is over, I know I will be in trouble again, because there’s nothing to get my mind off these things anymore.

I had hoped he would feel better by now, but then again it’s only been 2.5 weeks and it will take him much longer. I also don’t want to rush him or anything, since I know it takes a looong time to grieve and also he’s the one not allowing himself to feel bad – which just makes it worse in my opinion.
I probably will ask to see him again by the end of next week, even if it’s just for a couple of hours. I haven’t seen him in a month by then, when we met weekly before.
I do need some sort of reassurance he’s not pushing me away or at least just get a feeling how he’s treating me now – or if there are any emotions left towards me. Really, I have no idea if any of this makes sense, I’m all over the place.

Right now it does feel like he’s pushing me away. But I’m trying hard not to give into these bad thoughts, since I have no idea what is going on inside his head. I wish he would let me in, but I can’t force him into anything. But I told him I would wait and so I do.

Give me strength to do so.