boyfriend

liar?!

Honestly. Sometimes I hate people. As I’ve told you guys many times before, I post on lyf several times a day. There are very nice people on there, helping you at any time of the day, which is perfect. Especially for my very low days when I feel depressed and think about self-harming.

But.

There are also a lot of very close-minded people. Let me state an example:
I posted last night, that P had been drunk again. He texted me at 11pm saying that he was getting drunk. I didn’t know how to feel about it, so I wrote a post. He had said in the beginning of our “relationship” that he was not a big drinker himself (since I don’t drink), but he has been drunk 3 times (the ones I know of) since we last saw each other (5 weeks). It’s reasonable really, he was on parties and what not. He is now on a trip abroad, and it’s totally fine to drink. It’s not like I never drink, sometimes I get drunk myself without any reason. But it was making me feel weird nonetheless (or should I say worried?). On the other side he thought of me even in that state, which is saying something as well, right?!

So I posted exactly about this situation and that I was wondering, whether it might be a reason he does not want to date me no more (although he never said so! I was right back into the negative thoughts then – am better again now), because I’m not a very outgoing person. One girl commented on “maybe he lied to you and he is a drinker? You can always just have one or two beers to be happy and not wasted!” This really upset me for several reasons: Who is she to judge someone she doesn’t even know? I get it, she was lied to and doesn’t trust people. But so have I. I mean my mom has been lying to me for the last 16 years, I do have trust issues myself. I get it. But you can’t just reflect the behaviour of some people onto others, that have never gave you any reason to mistrust them!
If someone is as straight-forward as P has been so far, I do not believe he’s lying to me. He wouldn’t have said half the things he did, because he knew I didn’t want to hear them. Someone like that doesn’t lie about these things. And he didn’t even say he doesn’t drink! He just said he was not a big drinker. Maybe he’s having a period of time he drinks more. Even I do have these times. Of course it got me musing whether it was a reason why he didn’t like me (which obviously is wrong as well, since he stated he does like me indeed). But that’s just bullshit and I need to find back into the right mindset I got these last few days.

As for an update about the last few days. I have found my fighting-spirit. He may have not replied with a “let’s meet then and then”, and I knew he wouldn’t. He just replied with our “one year abstinence”-joke, as not to have to reply to my question. But I knew he would.
But as I said, I then realised, why just wait for him without doing things?! I need to let him know what he’s missing out on. Because I know we do match, he just doesn’t allow his feelings right now. So when I went out for dinner on Thursday and was feeling cute, I took a picture and sent it to him (I never did before, I’m not keen on taking selfies). To that I got a heart-eye-shaped emoji, which he doesn’t often use. I also dreamt of him that night (he was the topic of the evening, so I was intensively thinking about our situation). I told him about the dream: I saw him next to a swimming pool and ignored him, since I knew he didn’t want to see me. He just said that it’s my way to cope with what is “occupying” me on the day. He knows I think about it a lot. But he didn’t suggest a meeting. And I have a strong feeling I won’t see him before I leave for holidays in a week. Which is okay.

Yesterday was the first time we texted again like we used to. A lot of funny chattering, he kept the conversation up, when it came to a stall and so on. I then said “I need to tell you something”, which has been on my mind a lot, but I knew it was stupid to tell him. When I didn’t text straight away he was like “you hate me?”… you know, he is thinking about us and I think he’s scared I’ll walk away. Of course that’s once again just reading a lot into things that are not actually there… but there are little signs that tell me he does care about me. More than he wants to.
I then told him about how we could meet as friends, since I have a cold sore and therefore wasn’t allowed to kiss him anyway. He didn’t say much to it (apart from “euwww, I’ve never had a cold sore before!”). He also stated that’s what ‘you get from putting your tongue into everything’. I know he wasn’t trying to be mean,  but he always is pointing towards me kissing and sleeping with everyone, has been right from the beginning. I know there’s some jealousy speaking from within him, so I just said “well, I know by now that you’re not thinking very well of me!” He said that this was not true, to which I didn’t reply anymore. I was mad. I wanted him to know what it feels like to not be replied to when it’s important to solve things. But it’s just not me, so last night I told him to enjoy the weekend abroad.

Once more, he could’ve simply said “thanks” and the conversation would be over, like it had been so many times over the last few weeks. But he asked what I currently was doing. That’s how he told me that he was out drinking. I didn’t say anything about it, just stating that I was going away this weekend as well (since he obviously thinks I sit at home to mourn him).
If he needs to be treated like this, so he realises what he’s losing: so be it. I know that if we see each other, he has to open up again, and I think that is one main reason he doesn’t want to see me. He’s afraid of his feelings – or he knows about them, and is not ready to deal with them I guess. But I can let him know without seeing him. And as I’m sure my friends I’m going on holidays with, will take a LOT of pictures and putting them on facebook, he’ll see I can have fun without him as well. I’m not the lonely, sad girl sitting at home every weekend at all.

This is so not me. I am not one to make someone feel “bad” (it’s not actually bad, right?), to make them realise things. But it seems like it is working on him, since he has been much more talkative the last few days –  or our conversation from Tuesday has done that. I don’t know.
Like, after I sent that picture of myself and I got his response, I didn’t reply all day. Maybe my non-availabilty is making him understand. I do not know. It could also go very wrong, I am well aware of that. But we’ll see. As always.

Until next time…

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Help.

This will be my last post about P (probably not).

When I recorded that voice message last night, I knew very well that I would not be able to handle a “no” from him. I knew what I wanted to hear. But there was a reason I was unsure about the whole situation, there have been flags all around. So I needed to ask. I needed to hear it.

He replied this morning and when I first read it, it sounded pretty good to me. But the more times I read it and the more I talked about it with friends, the more I realised that it actually was pretty clear that he was not interested anymore.
He’s always been honest. And he was plain out honest, which I appreciate. I just should ignore my gut feeling, which is still telling me to not give up. But my head has overtaken this position now and I have finally given up. For several reasons.

First of all good morning… so I listened to you voice message yesterday and I do understand your point very well. Unfortunately I don’t really know myself what is best for me currently. And my father’s passing is also still messing me up. The little time we did spend together, I perceived as very nice and I do not regret it at all! However I think, that it wasn’t the best idea to have sex this quickly.
Of course we can meet again at some point, go out for a drink or whatever you want. I just don’t know if I want a relationship right now, as I’ve said before. Not because of you, but because of my current situation 🙈 I have also deleted most of these stupid dating apps!
I really do like you and you are a nice woman. But if we would work out, I don’t really know ☺ (until now, no woman has put up with me 😄)…
I don’t think this answer will help you – but I’m not sure what to tell you.
Best of all you’d pick up a hot guy in Dubai 🤣

This was his message to my voice message. Some things were very cute, and for the first time ever he actually told me that he liked me. But his wording of “but if we would work out, I don’t really know”, it seemed more like a “no we wouldn’t” than otherwise.
I have no idea why he thinks like that, or what is letting him think we would not work out. Stupidly I didn’t ask, which I now always think about of course. He also mentioned how I should hit on someone else, there’s not much more to say about moving on from him, right?
The thing is, I don’t know if he just doesn’t want me to wait, or if he is not interested.

So that’s what I asked. I told him that I was not interested in seeing anyone else but him and that I understood that there was no guarantee we would end up together either way. I told him again that I would wait a year for him, if it’d help him.
He then replied that he doesn’t really know and he really doesn’t “want to waste my time or getting my hopes up, when in the end it doesn’t work out anyway”. Once more pointing in a direction of us not working out.

I explained to him that this felt right for me and therefore it was no waste of time in my opinion. I then more or less asked whether he did not see us working out at all, or was neutral or even positively towards it. He said he was neutral. Is that a good thing? Was he trying to be nice and not hurt me by not saying “I can’t see us”?
I let him know to tell me if his mind changes in any way and it would be okay for me to just see where things would lead us. He then was saying “but it must be okay for you as well… at least we haven’t seen each other in a while by now”. I’m not really sure why he said this. I know we haven’t seen each other in a while, but would that change my mind? More likely it changed his mind.

He then didn’t reply anymore when I said we should just see where things are leading us without any pressure. So I told him that I really need him to be honest and not meet up with me, if he’s not feeling like it. And he said he obviously would.

By then it was like 3 hours after that first text. I had been silently crying at school and really needed some reassurance (which I knew I would not get). So I asked if it may help him sort his feelings out if we saw each other or if he would feel even more pressured by this. Of course I had hoped for a “yes let’s do this”, but I knew I wouldn’t get that. Instead I got a “I will think about it”. Which is a no, right?

So I guess it’s quite obvious why I’ve given up. My heart and mind are fighting, I can literally feel my heart being torn in each direction, not wanting to give up… but also just knowing what I am reading. It is a lot of interpretation, but he’s always been straight forward. Obviously he is not ready for a relationship right now, and the way I read this, not ever with me. So why should I drag myself along in hopes to get my “dream man”, when he is not interested? He may like me, but he doesn’t like me like that.

Yes, it fucking hurts and I have tried to stay strong. Haven’t cried (until now) and probably will be ugly crying myself to sleep tonight. I don’t know what to do. I know I need to leave him be, and I will. I will back away, because that’s what he obviously wants. But it’s hard. Having relied so much on my gut feeling that was as strong as never before… it’s hard to be disappointed. It’s hard to be so sure about someone, when he doesn’t see a future in you. Yes it hurts. And yes, when I drove home after thinking about all of this all day, I realised that my depression has knocked on the door and I let it in. This will be a hard time and I am glad I can go back to work in a month, so I can get my mind off all of this. I really just sort my feelings and decide what to do from now on. I know I cannot simply let him go, but I must. I need to let him go, because he doesn’t want to. But I also know I can’t ignore my feelings I have developed already. And I will wait to see what he’s doing or saying over the next few days or weeks. There’s nothing else left to do, right?

Help.

 

 

voice message

Today I saw a picture of P tagged in it. It was of a party that took place last Saturday. I don’t know why, but it really upset me. It wasn’t like we had set any plans and he cancelled, he didn’t even ask me. He didn’t tell me either he was free. He actually did tell me he had been busy all weekend. But it upset me nonetheless.

I realised that I really need to talk to him about it. My feelings haven’t changed and it’s not like I don’t trust my gut feeling anymore. But I just need to hear it from him – some sort of reassurance he’s still feeling something (or well… he is not – either way). Since the texting has decreased immensely (every 2 days or so) and also has gotten a lot more shallow… I don’t know. I’m just scared he isn’t interested anymore. A lot of things speak for him slowly backing away, yet my gut feeling is telling me otherwise. Of course I am scared that he actually is not interested anymore. Or that I am pushing him away by being so damn clingy. But I just need to know how he’s feeling. What actually is going on. Despite my fear.
I am worried that he’ll leave. I am terrified. Now I at least still have him every other day. I can imagine being with him, that imagination is not destroyed yet. He still is my “dream boy”. If he tells me this is over, I will be devastated. A lot more than ever before. Simply because I had that feeling, that feeling that kept me going. And if this was wrong, I don’t know if I can ever trust my gut ever again. I am actually freaking terrified, which leaves me wondering whether I should actually talk to him about it. But whether he tells me tonight or any other day in the future… it will always hurt. Right?!

So. I have recorded a voice message for all of this. I don’t want any misunderstandings and that he can listen to my voice. Listen to my worries. Not just some plain text. A voice.

I told him that the situation is hard for me to judge whether his distance was because of me or the situation overall. That I do not want to pressure him and I do understand what he says and he gives me no reason to worry… but because of the lack of communication and my interpretation into things, my worries returned. For example when he got drunk the very next day after I asked him to meet, that I wondered whether he didn’t want to see me. And that I do not have any problems with not seeing him and waiting, but that I would love to see him and will be abroad in 2 weeks. That we could meet for just a couple of hours instead of a sleepover. But that I would wait for him, if he needed. But I didn’t know if he just didn’t want to see ME or whether it’d be too much right now, or he’s still too hurt because of the whole situation. But that I also don’t want to bother him too much by texting. Also saying again that I don’t need us to be in a relationship, I don’t want to be another burden to him, but that I just need some reassurance,  because I worry that he’s not interested anymore.
I made clear that I don’t expect the situation to change, but to let him know how I feel about the situation. That I would stop texting if he needed the distance. But that I needed some “direction” in all of this.

I think I will send it tonight, but yes, I am terrified of the answer – if one will come.

 

variables.

I just read an article about how to make relationships last and a quote popped up:

The sheer amount of variables that come into play when you enter into a relationship guarantees that nothing is ever going to go the way you thought it would.

I guess you all know what comes now. Yes, I could relate to this instantly. On a very deep level.

When I think back to the beginning of when I met Paraplegic (in 4 days it’ll be 2 months ago), I wasn’t even interested in him. After our first date however, that changed completely. I told him how much I missed him and he told me that it was no good to precipitate things. So I tried not to. But I didn’t actually understand the whole concept of not precipitating things. I still wanted him around 24/7 and was going crazy when I didn’t see him once a week or couldn’t text him all day long. I was devastated when he didn’t text daily and thought he was leaving me. When he cancelled our date because of his parents (now that I look back on it, I am so glad he had that day with them, before his father passed away only 10 days later), I was devastated I wouldn’t see him in over 7 days. At least. But of course I didn’t bother him too much about it.
Then our weekend together happened. I was on cloud 9, over the moon. I could not believe that I could be as lucky as to have found someone that is truly appreciative of me and is such a caring and loving person. I was not eager to ever let him go or slip out of my hands. I remember wanting to see him Sunday evening again, since I had to leave early that day. Had I known what would happen only 3 days later, I probably would have gone back, even when it was crazy. But I am also very glad we had that weekend to make myself see him in a way I saw him. That he told me he enjoyed the time with me and gave me lots of butterflies to remember. Otherwise I might not be where I am today.

Then, 13th September, he told me that his father had passed away. And everything changed in an instant.

I haven’t seen him in 4 weeks (as of today). I didn’t think I could make it that far and have stated so in several posts up until this point.
Going back to that quote from the beginning: I would have never thought something like a death could happen and would drive us apart. But then again, I think it was also meant to be a lesson for me. Because now I cannot precipitate things. It does make me really wait for him and give him the time he needs. It made me understand that sometimes you can’t rush things..

As you all know, I have always been one to rush into relationships, head over heels. I was glad P told me right from the beginning not to do that, because it already gave me another look on the whole concept. Now that this happened, I had to take a step back. Not just playing it cool, but actually living it. And here I am: still fine.
Of course there are days when worries come up and I fear him leaving, ghosting me or rather not coming back. But most days I am okay. I trust in him coming back when he’s ready. Whether that’d be weeks or months from now.
His father’s passing was a lesson for me: to wait, even without the constant reassurance I usually need. Right now I just trust in my heart and my gut-feeling, without any signs from his side. And I think this is a hard but very valuable lesson for me to learn. Wait and stick around, even when it’s hard. Even when things don’t seem bright and shiny, but that I can trust in words I heard weeks before. That I need not give in into the bad thoughts I sometimes have, but trust in what he’s told me, what he’s made me feel before and what my feeling is telling me.
If he comes back and this turns into a relationship, I have no doubt we will start from a very strong ground and bonding. Even though he still doesn’t let me in or talks about his feelings very much, I know that he trusts me and knows I am here for him.

I have learnt to believe in something new. Something that I have not experienced before and therefore was very sceptical about: my (gut) feeling. That I need to believe in something that might not be around right now, but may very well come.
I need to believe in my strength, in my feelings and most importantly – in myself. Things will turn out like they have to, whether that’d be with or without him, I cannot say. Of course I do want him in my life, because I have never had such a strong feeling about someone (not in a sense of love, because it would be too early to say that, but in someone being good for me). None of my past experiences should allow me to believe in him coming back, because every single person I ever loved have left when things got hard. Yet here I am, believing P will come back. Yes, there’s always that little voice telling me to give up. But I am not. As long as P doesn’t actively push me away or tells me I should get lost, I will keep believing in him coming back – however hard it may be at times.

I can do this.

still waiting…

I think the hardest part for me apart from not talking to him in person, is when he doesn’t start any sort of conversation by text. I looked back on our texts and it was mostly me starting a conversation and if he did text me first that day, it was usually because he hadn’t replied to something the day before. He never has been a big communicator by text, so I know this is one of the reasons.. but still. At least he’s gotten back to his usual emojis. Didn’t realise how much it bothered me when he wouldn’t use a heart-kissy-emoji until I got them again.

The day before yesterday I had sent him a funny picture, he did reply… but then that was it. I left him be, but since I didn’t hear anything from him at all yesterday, I sent him the solution to some crosswords he usually does when he’s at work (he’s off on Monday’s and Friday’s). He did say thank you, but then again no more conversation.
One part of me wants to start up a conversation, because I don’t want him to drift away. Another part thinks that he should start one as well, if he’s interested in me. He shouldn’t feel obliged to talk to me, just because I start every conversation. Does that make any sense to you? Or is it just in my head again?!
I really don’t know what to do in these kind of times. Right now I have a lot to do for school, so it’s not that big of a deal. I’m stressed out anyway and am a ball of emotions, that easily bursts. And it’s not like I’m bored and thinking of him constantly. But once Wednesday is over, I know I will be in trouble again, because there’s nothing to get my mind off these things anymore.

I had hoped he would feel better by now, but then again it’s only been 2.5 weeks and it will take him much longer. I also don’t want to rush him or anything, since I know it takes a looong time to grieve and also he’s the one not allowing himself to feel bad – which just makes it worse in my opinion.
I probably will ask to see him again by the end of next week, even if it’s just for a couple of hours. I haven’t seen him in a month by then, when we met weekly before.
I do need some sort of reassurance he’s not pushing me away or at least just get a feeling how he’s treating me now – or if there are any emotions left towards me. Really, I have no idea if any of this makes sense, I’m all over the place.

Right now it does feel like he’s pushing me away. But I’m trying hard not to give into these bad thoughts, since I have no idea what is going on inside his head. I wish he would let me in, but I can’t force him into anything. But I told him I would wait and so I do.

Give me strength to do so.

break-up? | part 2.

So I really wanted to take it back, but I couldn’t. I didn’t get an answer, so I went to bed (or at least I tried to sleep).
The next morning he asked me why I was worrying of pushing him away and I explained to him that I was used to people leaving whenever something wasn’t easy, but I didn’t expect him to be like that…

Then I got a message whilst being on my way to school:

I’m not planning on going anywhere. However I’m not sure if my current life situation is made to start a new long-lasting relationship…

This caught me off guard. Completely. If I hadn’t been out in the street, I probably would have started bawling my eyes out once more. I tried to keep it up, since I wasn’t sure how he meant it. But it did seem pretty obvious that he was not interested in ever getting together with me, right?! I felt my heart slowly breaking. Literally. My whole future seemed to shutter in front of me.

So I asked him what he meant. I mean, he can’t just say something like that out of the blue?! He texted me a little while after (it felt like 10 years):

I don’t really know either… I’m feeling weird.

I don’t know why, but this lifted a huge stone off my heart. I’m not sure I took it the right way, now that I’m reflecting, but I just figured he was feeling weird about the situation with his father and me lingering there like a little bug. I texted him back right away (and fortunately without thinking, because I just spoke my heart):
“You really needn’t think about us right now, for real. I’m not going anyway, no matter how long it takes you to get better again and I don’t expect to set a label on us in 1-2 months. Take your time, it’s important to me!”
To which I just got a “thanks” back. I added that if it wasn’t because he didn’t think we match, I would wait however long it takes him. I did not get an answer to that one. I’m not sure whether he doesn’t want to tell me that he’s not interested, or was just glad that I wanted to wait on him.

People have told me I’m stupid. It can take him a year to overcome this, but I don’t care. He is so special to me that I am willing to wait. And I am well aware it’s not gonna be easy. But I’m not leaving. Not as long as he still wants me there. Well, he doesn’t practically “want” me there, since I haven’t seen him in 2.5 weeks, but you know…
Also one girl said “I think it’s nice you wait, but don’t get your hopes up. You don’t know how he’ll come out of this grief, if he still wants what he wanted before his father passed away”. I never even thought of this, so it upset me. But then my feeling told me he was not going to just push me away. Not because of this at least.

I do think that he might have told me about the relationship, because he wanted me to have the option to leave. He knows how much it is bothering me, and I guess he’s trying to “save” me because he realises, that he can’t force himself to feel better. He always thinks of everyone else first.
Or maybe he simply isn’t interested. I can’t tell. But I’ll just trust my gut and wait for him as long as I can deal with it. Of course I am scared. It may turn out one way or the other. But I will be heartbroken anyway. If he leaves now or in 6 months, it doesn’t matter. I want him in my life and that’s all that matters for now.

However, I am not sure if it’ll work if we never meet. I do want to see him again, even if it’s just for a short amount of time… but until he’s ready, I won’t ask again. A good friend said I should wait another week and tell him about meeting again. Because I have a feeling he thinks of us meeting is like a sleepover. And I don’t need this at all. Of course I would love to spend a lot of time with him, but I don’t need it right now. I just need the connection. See how he’s dealing for real. I want to reconnect. Or at least see that he’s not interested anymore. I don’t know.

We’ll see.

On a whole other subject: he’s asked me several times if there was a baby in my tummy. I never thought much of it, until yesterday when I figured he might actually be worried I’ve gotten pregnant (since we didn’t protect – but I’m on my pill, so…). I told him I was sorry if he had actually worried and he said “why should I worry? P needs to be born somewhen!”.. so that confused me as well. Like, he told me in the morning to not get into a relationship and told me in the evening he wouldn’t mind me being pregnant?!

I don’t know. I really don’t. I’ll just have to wait this one out. Any suggestions, thoughts or whatever?! Would be very much appreciated!

disconnection | part 1.

I really don’t know why I update so irregularly. Well yes, I know, because I post on lyf when it’s acute when I need some support or opinions. This is more of an online diary with a few readers.. and I love to be able to read back on it, so I need to update here as well!

So. As I said in my last post I was somewhat upset with Paraplegic for him going out to drink, but not wanting to spend time with me. With some thought I realised that he probably didn’t want to be vulnerable in front of me, so it made sense for him to rather drink and forget about all of it for a little while instead of seeing me and probably being reminded of his father. I got over my sorry self.

The very next day he sent me a video of the fireworks, because I asked him to… he said he had filmed it just for me, so I couldn’t be mad any longer. But the situation was still very frustrating to me, since I missed him so much. Sunday we didn’t text much, and when I sent him a fun video of a stupid girl, he was mean and I sent him a “fuck you”-emoji. He didn’t reply all day through Monday either.
With everything going on, I knew I didn’t want this to be left like that, if it would be the last time I’d talked to him. So I explained to him that I have been feeling quite stressed lately and was taking things personally I shouldn’t and apologised. He then just said “well I know girls have mood swings, right?” He is always making fun of these things, so it was all good.

I wasn’t feeling good that evening (Monday). I felt off and just… I felt very disconnected to him, since he didn’t really talk to me and hadn’t sent a heart-kissing-emoji ever since his father died (apart from when he’d received my package). Yes, it’s ridiculous, but it’s the little things. I started crying. Big time. Everything was so overwhelming (my life is just going crazy right now, so it was all a bit too much). I felt like my hope was slowly fading away and when I tried to sleep – and I’ve gotten used to falling asleep by “calling” that feeling I get when I remember our dates… that feeling wouldn’t come. So another ugly-cry-episode started. I felt like I had lost him, without anything actually happening, just because I couldn’t recall that feeling. He was still talking to me and nothing had changed at all (like to the other few days, of course it’s changed since his father has passed away).

At some point I couldn’t hold it in any longer, although I was talking to so many people about it and try not to contact him, because he has been suffering more than enough… Well, I texted him.

I’m somehow worried about you. Don’t ask me for the exact reason and I know you don’t want or can’t talk about it and you need time, which is so understandable and okay… I’m sorry I always text you, I don’t want to stress you out, neither do I want to leave you be, but it’s hard to find something in the middle. I’m trying hard to hold back a little, but am thinking of you.

Already after I sent it off, I felt better. I didn’t want any reaction, I just needed him to know that I was worrying about him, even if I hadn’t shown him in a while. He said: “I will survive… And it means a lot to me that you are worrying so much about me… but you really needn’t. Concentrate on your exams instead, although you will pass them easily! 🙂 ” He is playing hard, when I know he really isn’t any good. But once more fascinating me, since I don’t remember telling him when my exams take place (which is next Tuesday). I just let him know again that I would be here for him. He told me that the same went for me.

I wanted to go to bed.  But there was still something nagging at me. So I texted him:

My only fear is, of me pushing you away… but it’s all good, thanks.

Once I sent it off, I regretted it. I didn’t want to bother him with my stupid ass thoughts, not in this moment at least.

Sorry this is getting long, so I’m splitting it up in 2 parts again…