lots of questions, little answers

We had yet another discussion last night.

He didn’t come home after he went out last weekend. Which was totally okay, but we both knew he didn’t come home because he was afraid of my reaction. When I came home from work Sunday night, he came into my room nonetheless. I did not want to talk to him but just let him be there with me. I told him I was angry about his behaviour, because he had said 3 hours beforehand, that he would not drink and I knew he was mindlessly drunk by the time he went to his friend to sleep there. I didn’t see him on Sunday since I worked a late shift and he didn’t come home before 2pm.

I told him about 5 times what my problem was, him lying to me. Or rather him telling me things he was not acting upon afterwards. It has been our problem this entire relationship and that’s what I told him yesterday. How he needs to understand that this is the very reason I cannot trust him anymore, because – sadly – I always know better than what he speaks. I knew he would be drunk, it’s why I asked him whether he would drink. And he denied. That took about an hour until he had his first drink.
I also told him that it wasn’t a problem of drinking (since I don’t drink), but him telling me things and add into that, being drunk 3 times in a week now, after he had been sober for a year when he was out with me.

I told him I didn’t know who his true self was. Now that I had broken up with him, he was doing things he always said he despited. Was it simply to prove me wrong? does he want me to feel bad for “denying” things (which I didn’t)? Is he trying to forget about me by drinking? I do not know.

I’ve told him so many things last night. It was a quiet discussion in a restaurant and it was okay. But I don’t think he understood what the main point was. About 2 weeks ago I told him, I was open to give us another chance IF we worked on us. It was good for about 1.5 weeks and then he did all the things again that I told him I didn’t want. I told him last night, that I need someone I could rely on and trust, which he currently is not the man. He said he didn’t know whether he could be the man I needed. Well, what should I say about this?

Right now I’m not sure whether he even wants to give us another chance. He had said last week he would let me know by the weekend, whether he wanted to cut it off here or give us another chance. I asked him last night and he said, he couldn’t give me an answer. I said that I wanted one, because I was not going to be his puppet and just be here when he’s in the mood and otherwise he goes out and forgets about me. He then asked me to spend a day with him in 2 weeks, to which I asked what he was hoping for – doing that. To which he said “I hope I can find out if I want this or not”. I’m pretty sure that he does want this relationship, or he wouldn’t have told me that he loved me when he was drunk. But he’s scared, which I understand. And I was bluntly honest with him ever since I broke up with him. That I could not promise him it would work out, but that I was open to try it if he understood what I needed. If he is not ready to give me this, we need to end things here. But obviously he doesn’t want to make that decision, because he knows I’ll be gone if he decides again me.

But then he also said that he still can’t quite grab the fact, that I’m moving out. It still is so surreal because everything still is as it was the last few months. But I have signed my contract, I have bought furniture for the new flat and just everything – but he didn’t see that, because I’d done it all without him. But then – when he went shopping for furniture alone, has asked me the other day whether I could join him. It sucks without me. I just don’t understand how he says in one breath that we have no future, and then the next he wants to spend time with me.
Also on Sunday he was laying on the couch with me, cuddling up. When he suddenly said “we’re no match”. I was very confused, about his behaviour and then what he was saying. So I left for work, he came after me and hugged me. And I said “don’t. If we’re no match, do not touch me.” to which he said, he didn’t mean it as an answer to my question (to give us a chance),.. which is super confusing?! But he can’t explain, I’ve asked him several times already.

Either way, I’m moving out in 4.5 weeks (of which I’m abroad 2.5 weeks). Maybe this will lead us to a decision. Maybe I see I don’t want this – or it’s too much work (because it doesn’t work if it’s only me who put in the effort). He also said that maybe we’ll find out once I’m on holidays whether we miss each other or not. I personally don’t need this, because I miss him even when he’s away for the weekend. But I guess I’ll need to be patient and see what comes out of this.

I started packing my things today. It does feel pretty weird, but it’s the right decision – getting us some distance and time to think. I still can go back to his(/our) place whenever – if we decide to stay together. But I guess now it is patience that is needed.

date with exboyfriend

I knew it. I just had a feeling.

So my exboyfriend – Matt – came over to my place today. Just some backstory of “us”:
Matt and I dated in March 2005 (when I was 14) and I had my very first kiss with him. He stayed the weekend back then and we were “together”. We had been together for a month or so a year back, but never had seen each other (you know, that was a thing haha, internet dating and such). After that weekend we spent together, he texted me saying that he was going to stay single, since he wasn’t over his exgirlfriend quite yet. Well, they ended up back together shortly after. They had broken up just before we first met up and I was heartbroken of course. It took quite a while to get over him.
We have been in contact over the years. In the beginning mostly when he was single and needed a distraction. When we grew up we had contact whenever. Some years a little more than others, but mostly for birthdays. The last time I’ve seen him (as a friend) was in September 2011. Because of jealous girlfriends, our schedules and I guess missing interest, we never met up again.

He texted me for my birthday this year as usual and we started talking. We always do, and the conversation subsides after a few days. He however more or less invited himself over to my place this time, so he could see my mom and me again. We set a day (actually first it would have been in a week, but my boss put me on work duty, so we changed the date to today). I wasn’t sure if we would go through with it, because I never heard back from him until last night. He asked what time he should come over. So that seemed set.

He texted me this afternoon what the name of my mom was *lol* I told him and waited. He then texted me around 2pm that he was outside and was afraid to come in, so he would have a cigarette and then come in. I went outside, so he wouldn’t have to face me and my mom all at once. He smirked when he saw me, and then came over to me with a HUGE flower. We hugged hello and he said it was my birthday present. We talked and teased like we used to all along.
We then went inside, had some coffee and just talked with my mom for 2 hours. About pretty much everything. We hadn’t truly updated on each other’s life, so 6 years is a lot of time to catch up on.

After about 2 hours I got that urge to be alone with him. I just wanted to cuddle up with him, not even talk but be with him. I don’t know why I felt thatway, but I did. I didn’t act on it however. I didn’t know how he felt. I just know he recently broke up with his girlfriend (our mutual friend told me) and that he pretty much hates his exgirlfriend now – that’s what he told me himself. So I just left it be.

At around 4.30pm he said he would head home soon. So I walked him to his car, where he smoked another cigarette and he asked me when we would see each other next. I told him I was free whenever, and he told me to come over to his place next time (since it’s always him coming to me, and we are about an 1-hour drive apart). We hugged goodbye for quite a while. I really had that urge to kiss him, but I knew it wouldn’t be a good thing to do. For himself because of his breakup, but also for myself since the situation with P is not really solved at all.

But.

I have this urge to see him again. I miss him. I want to cuddle him. And I’m not sure why I have these feelings. Whether they are old feelings resurfacing or if it’s just the ‘homely’ feeling, because we’ve known each other half our lives (15 years to be precise). Or even the frustration of not getting what I wanted from P?!
When he asked me what he should do tonight, I even said he was welcome to come over again. He just laughed. It’s weird really. I hope to see him again soon, so to find out what this is exactly. Whether my mind is just fucked up, or it may be something.

We’ll see what this mess of emotions and my mind is going to lead to.