Kenny

Kenny and I have known each other for years. Literally, I met him online in 2001. I had a huge crush on him, without even knowing what he looked like, yet he was very charming and naive-old-me just fell for it. He wasn’t so happy about my inexperienced me and “dumped” me. Fast forward 4 years and we met at a party. By this point we have seen each other a couple of times, did talk but like not for the longest time. This time he came over, chatted with me.. and then kissed me. I was shocked, as he had a girlfriend at that time. I never really forgot about this kiss. We went on and off meeting each other annually, but nothing happening. In the beginning of February 16′ I texted him again, after he added me on Facebook. We decided to meet up once again at carnival. Once again, he had a girlfriend – 3 years to date. Once again, he kissed me. This time it wasn’t just a peck, but real kissing. Like, actually making out for quite some time. He asked me to see him again a few days later, but I didn’t go. We agreed on meeting up after carnival, but that never happened. The next 5-6 weeks were the same as always: flirting on his side, telling him he has a girlfriend on my side. After 6 weeks I was done with his behaviour. After telling him I was not going to let him cheat on his girlfriend with me, he suddenly started ignoring me and that’s where we currently are. (2001 – March 2016)

giving up

Haven’t been on here for a while… so here’s an update:

I’m questioning most of my choices right now, because I’ve been really upset today about something that happened at work. It’s usually the time I text people I haven’t talked to in a while, so to get “more upset” than I already am – because I’m pretty sure they’ll hurt me further… if that makes any sense. So I texted not only P, but also Kenny this morning.

And I find myself yet again in a situation with Kenny. For some reason we always start up texting again when one or the other needs help. He got really grumpy around midday and I just said “I didn’t do anything” and he said “I’m really sorry, don’t take it personal. I just got bad news”… and he told me that his father has cancer. Like, he got the message today. And I texted him this morning. How is that for fate?

As I said I also texted P. I just sent him a thinking-emoji and he sent one back, which indicated him feeling remorse (my interpretation). I then said “I guess it’s done”. Him “why?”, me: “no answer is an answer as well.. and that Thursday is now 3 weeks ago”.. then he didn’t answer for the longest time and I did not expect him to. I got a “it’s only been 2 weeks” – which actually is true. But he hasn’t texted me for 3, so whatever. And I said with all the sarcasm I got “oh, then that’s okay…”
I just don’t understand how he can be surprised about me being mad, when he hasn’t showed any sign that he’s alive in 3 weeks and not act like what has happened. I’m just done with this whole story. I’m just questioning my choices over the past year. Like sticking with P for so long, even though he gives me absolutely no reason to do so. And I still compare every guy I meet with him, although he gives me no reason to show that he’s a good guy, like my gut always tells me. Then my choice to sleep with Kenny, and still aching for it to repeat. Like I miss the sexual tension we’ve had. And I would jump at him, if there was the opportunity.

And then there’s Jeremy. We’ve met up like 5 times last week (and he even hugged me on our last date!), but now I haven’t seen him in a week. Because I stopped asking him to meet up. I wanted him to ask me directly. He does leave vague comments, but never asks directly. And I want him to do that. And here we are, not meeting for 7 days.
Plus I was in a really bad mood last weekend, and he didn’t really react to anything. Yesterday I had a really bad day at work and was really sad and told him so. But he didn’t do anything about it. He didn’t ask and just said to suck it up, because it’s my job to deal with death. And I just couldn’t be bothered to put up with that shit. I let it go for then, but talked about it again in the evening and told him to care for me when I tell him I’m sad. Like giving me a hug or something. And then he just sent that emoji that lifts its shoulders. I guess it shows how much he cares.

And I’m just done with people not being able to deal with my sadness. It’s like with Alan. Everything was perfect as long as I was my happy bubbly self. But as soon as depression shows up, they leave without any notice. And I’m pretty sure that Jeremy wouldn’t be able to put up with me in my depressive state. But then again, maybe I’m doing him wrong, because all of this just happened over texting. But then also we had been talking about my father in person, and he never asked why our relationship was bad or whatever. It was always about partying, alcohol, the accident. You know, no personal things discussed?! And that’s why I’m left feeling like this is no match.

And I’m just done. Done with this whole dating/relationship bullshit. No luck this past year and I’m done.

 

Advertisements

a date with P?

Okay this is going to be all over the place, just like my head. Excuse the loooong ramble.

As I mentioned in my last post, when I finally wanted to end things with P for good… he asked for another date. I honestly did not expect this to ever happen. It’s not like it was the first time we had talked about it, so when we had no contact till Thursday I didn’t think he would go through with it. Thursday night I texted him asking about the time and place, and got really mad at him for not being able to simply tell me a place (we texted back and forth for probably an hour until we had semi-set a place). I got even more mad, when he told me he had an appointment that evening. Why suggest that date then?! At some point I simply told him to let me know the next day when I should be where and went to sleep. When I didn’t hear from him till I finished my shift on Friday afternoon, I did not expect the date to happen at all and was actually looking forward to a relaxed evening in bed. I wasn’t particularly sad.

Well. Long story short, he did text me and we approved the date and place. I still did not believe in it happening, even when I was driving to the place… only when he texted me he was gonna be late, I realised that I was actually about to see him. I wasn’t even nervous at all, it was all so weird. A friend had been asking how I felt about it and I was surprised how casually I took this. For me it was simply a dinner with a friend. Of course in the back of my mind were all the dates we’ve had before. But it had been 6 months, and after what happened with Kenny… well P was just a friend.

For me there were two options of what may happen:

  • Either we were having dinner, talking and then leave again. Just being friendly, a catch-up and would go our ways. Or:
  • We would kiss and everything would be back to how things were before his dad passed away last September.

There was no other option for me at that point. Little did I know what was about to happen….


So he turned up 20 minutes late, making me feel really awkward sitting in a restaurant by myself. There were no butterflies when he walked in. I was just happy to see him, but nothing more than with a friend. Which was fine by me. He kissed my cheek to say hello and we started talking. It was an easy conversation, we had a lot to catch up on. I talked a lot. Like… a lot. We were there for probably 2 hours when he asked if I wanted to go out. He knows this is not a question to ask, especially when I had an early shift. I was already so sleepy and he was making fun of me for it. Well, in the end we were talking about a TV show I was missing out on because of our date and he simply said, we could go back to his place to watch it. I figured, why not?

So we did that 20 minutes drive to his home. It was weird driving there, remembering how I felt the last time I drove there (which was our weekend we spent together and I was so in love and happy) – it felt like an eternity. Well it is. 6 months.
We weren’t even really in his flat, when he grabbed me and hugged me. This kind of surprised me, I did not expect him to move on that quickly. I knew from the way he had started looking at me at the restaurant, that he would kiss me at some point. He had that look again. The one that made me so sure of the last time, that he was indeed in love. And although it was very flattering, it also was kind of uncomfortable.
Anyway. So he grabbed my hips and looked at me and I knew he was about to kiss me. But I just… I couldn’t. I then simply hugged him, so I didn’t have to look at him. I’m sure it hurt him and it wasn’t my plan to do so, but I was just overwhelmed with that situation right then.

We went to the couch and cuddled and watched my TV show. He was hugging me close, trying to kiss me every now and then, but I simply never looked at him straight, so there was no option. Well at some point he went to grab the remote control and was over me, and kissed me. It was okay. It was the way it was before…

But.
My emotions lacked. There were no butterflies this time around. My mind wandered. To why that was, to Kenny, to everything apart from what it should have been: simple pleasure.

It was all back to how we left it off in September, so what is wrong with me? That’s what I had wished for for the last 6 months, and now that I was back to it, it felt so… off?
I still can’t quite put my finger on it. I knew when I was thinking of Kenny, that this was not the right thing to do. P wanted me to stay the night. He actually just figured I would, but even when I was driving there, I knew I would not. I had an excuse (babysitting me nephew this morning) and that was it. He did try to get into my pants, but I told him to stop. He did ask why, but I simply didn’t want to for several reasons (which obviously I didn’t tell him):
One being that he had regretted the last time we did it. I was not about to get hurt again, simply because his dick owned his brain again. I wanted it to be right. For him as well.
Second, because I had been to the gyn, because Kenny had left me some kind of present down there. I didn’t want to sleep with him, before I got the results back about me being clear (which I got in the mail, but I didn’t see that last night, did I?).
Third: it simply didn’t feel right. For me it was simply a hook up, my feelings weren’t there and I was not about to let what happened with Kenny… I didn’t want to relive this. I wasn’t sure whether P was simply horny because he hadn’t had sex since September (he doesn’t know about Kenny by the way), or if he actually had missed ME. It didn’t feel that way, but then I’m really bad at reading him. And I wasn’t ready to be just a hook up. Again.

Well, long story short, he tried to talk me into staying, but I finally left at 1am. He kissed me goodbye and said to hopefully see me again. I jokingly said in 6 months and he said “hopefully sooner though”.


Now my lack of emotions leave me speechless. I don’t know if I just finally have gotten to terms of being single. Maybe I just turned my emotions or rather vulnerability off after what happened with Kenny. Maybe I’m still too hurt by what has happened with Kenny. Maybe it’s simply too late? I’ve given P so many chances to meet up or make things up, and he never wanted to. Only when I wanted to cut the straw, he finally agreed to meet up. You know what I mean? This all feels so forced. I know he has feelings from the way he looked at me… but I’m really not sure whether I can date him right now. I’m not at the right place, and this is crazy considering I waited for 6 months for this to happen. And now that it has, it’s off. Maybe we really have missed the turning point.
I just… when I was laying on his couch, I all of a sudden thought about how I wouldn’t feel good to live there. Whilst last autumn I would have moved there in an instant. But then I’m head over heels when I’m in love. Maybe this is good. Maybe this will buy us some time, because I’m so confused. I don’t know.

It feels very very wrong. Mostly I’m scared to hurt him. That after all that time I told him I’d wait and whatever, if we start dating and my feelings don’t come back… I don’t want to hurt him. He’s a good guy, but too much has happened. Maybe I just need some time. Maybe I need some reassurance. Most of all I need him to text me, because I haven’t heard from him since I left last night and I would at least expect a “it was nice to see you” or “have you arrived home safely?” It’s the kind of thing I would do. But then I know it’s not his thing. I told him I was bothered by our lack of communication via text, but he just shrugged it off. It’s just him. But I also know I can’t be with someone, that doesn’t text. I mean it’s okay not to live with your mobile phone attached to your hand. But a text every other day isn’t too much to ask for, right?

I don’t know. It all just feels kind of messed up. And I don’t even know what to feel anymore, which is not what I need right now. I had hoped it would sort things out and not make them even worse.
I was doing so much better about the Kenny-thing. I didn’t think of him all the time and I don’t get that stomach pang anymore when I thought of him, so I figured I was over him. But when I thought about him when P kissed me, I knew I was nowhere as close to getting over him as I had thought. And that just sucks.

My life is just a mess. Sometimes I really think it would be worth a movie *lol*

another talk with Kenny

I had a rough night last night. The last few days have gone by surprisingly well, without dwelling on Kenny too much. I was actually quite surprised about how good I was dealing with it, considering how low I had been on Thursday. But then last night happened. The good thing was, since I had night shifts before, I was able to sleep whenever I felt tired and there was no sleep cycle needed. Today I had to work an early shift and therefore get into bed at some reasonable time. I went to bed around 9pm, turned off my series… and then it started. Everything came back. Flash backs of how Kenny looked at me, how he stroked me and whatever. So I turned the series back on, knowing very well I would not get enough sleep,… but everything that was not connected to Kenny would be fine by me.

When I drove to work this morning a song came on the radio that describes the situation with Kenny and I perfectly. So I simply sent him the link to it without any comment and turned my phone off. I did not expect him to react, or at least not positively. Especially since he hasn’t replied to my question last Friday of why we would never have more than just physical attraction.

Well he asked me how I was after saying that the song described us very well and I said I was dealing somehow. He simply stated “and it’s my fault…” I wanted to deny it at first, but we both would have known that’d be a lie so I said the situation has just made me realise a lot of bad things in my life and that’s why I was struggling (which is true!). He once more said “yeah,  but because of me!”
so I said: “Kenny, if it doesn’t work for one, it’s always going to be shitty for the other one. That’s life!”
Him: Of course that’s true… but I honestly don’t believe it would be right for you to be with me.
Me: Why do you think that?
Him: You may know me for a long time… but not very well :-/
Me: You sure?
Him: Yep 🙂
Me: I can’t tell.. but if you think so.
Him: M, I honestly like you and I think you’re awesome! But we’re not meant for each other…
Me: I’ve understood that, but I just wonder why you’re so sure of this?

And that’s when he stopped replying again. He always stops when I ask him why. Why no feelings. Why no chance. Why whatever. He never replies. And I talked to a friend about this and I guess there are 2 main options:

  • One: he has feelings, but doesn’t want to confront himself with them. He’s scared to fail. Maybe scared that he wouldn’t be enough for me, once I know him. Maybe scared that I’ll leave him once and for all, if it doesn’t work out. Or he’s simply scared of these feelings as they are. Blunt.
  • Two: He literally has no feelings, but doesn’t want to give me away entirely. Like, this way he knows he can suck me back in and get what he wants every now and then. If he tells me he has no feelings, he knows it is done for me. Like.. entirely. No more kissing or anything else. Just. Done.

Even though you might think I’m stupid, I still believe in option 1. Simply because of the way he acts and words things. I can’t see him not having feelings. Why would he say the relationship wouldn’t work for ME, when he could tell me it doesn’t work for HIM?! If he wants to get rid of me, why not just tell me that he can’t be with me for reason 1, 2 and 3. You get me?!
He has some sort of feelings, I’ve felt it when we spent time together. And whilst it is true that I don’t know him the best, I’m sure I know a lot of what is going on in his mind when it comes to feelings (not with me involved, but other stuff).
I don’t know what his problem is, and I guess I’ll just have to let it be. Because it seems like I won’t ever get an answer to that. Which is sad, because it is the one thing that would let me being able to let go of him. But oh well… this conversation made me realise that I have let him go mostly already. I did not get that weird gut feeling I usually do when I get dumped. There were no tears. It was just getting in the facts to move on.

feelings

Sometimes I hate these feelings. I was driving home from a night out with Mr. Cucu just now and listening to an old CD of mine. A song came on called “hello” (in German). It’s about how long that person hasn’t seen the other for so long and how weird it is to see them.. saying their goodbyes but him then asking her not to leave the room, but knowing she will go either way even though he doesn’t want that.
Could it be any more accurate to my situation with Kenny? I guess not. At first it was P’s song for me, because I didn’t want him to leave my life (metaphorically)… now… well it’s literally Kenny and I. Oh and by the way, when I was walking through the city today, a truck drove by with “Kenny” saying on it. This is just a nickname I gave him on here, so that was so weird. Everything is so weird. I might go crazy here.

I started remembering things whilst listening to that song:
I sometimes get a feeling when I’m saying my final goodbye to someone. It started back when I was leaving my hostfamily in 2009. I said goodbye to my hostfather, and I just knew it would be the last time ever. One could say, he’s at the other end of the world, so it’s pretty obvious that I won’t get to see him again. But I was dead set on going back to OZ once I finish my apprenticeship. That would have been in 2013 and I’m still here, not having visited him once ever since.
Then the thing with P happened. When I left his house back on September 10th, I just knew it would be the last time. Although there was no evidence as why I should think so, I knew. It’s why I wanted to go back there so badly that very same evening. Everything looked fine. We were dating, we were taking things somewhat slowly. There was no evidence of us falling out. But… it was the last time I’ve seen him, and right now it doesn’t seem like I will see him again.
And I had that feeling with Kenny last Friday as well. When he kissed me on my cheek, I knew it would be the last thing I’d get from him. No looking back. And probably not seeing him ever again. I mean this is my decision, obviously. But is it? We’ve seen each other almost every year at carnival. But I have a feeling this was the last time we met.

I hate this feeling. I really hate it, for it has been right all the time. I get that feeling with patients as well. When I’d tell a colleague, that I have a feeling he/she will die soon. And they do. Even if there is no evidence or symptoms of that patient being at any huge health risk. It happened twice this year already.

I don’t want it. It hurts to know. And I don’t even want to think about what it would be like to not have Kenny in my life anymore. But I guess I need to learn and accept the truth. It doesn’t look very good right now. Haven’t heard from him since he told me to fuck off because I was stressing him out.

I thought being busy all the time would help. I met 2 friends today, when I usually don’t see many friends in 2 weeks. And it was good. Really good to catch up and get my mind off things – at least a little. But now that I’m back home, the loneliness is even harder to bear.

Time. Much time. And little patience.

the end of Kenny (hopefully)

Disclaimer: this is going to go down a pretty bad path, so if you’re having suicidal thoughts or are very depressed, you may not want to read this for there may be triggers. To make this post very short for you: Kenny and I are no longer and I’m trying to get away from him for good.

 


So. After what Kenny sent me on Wednesday, my day got horrible. If it weren’t for 2 of my friends and how much I love my work, I probably wouldn’t be here anymore. It wasn’t exactly because of what Kenny had done or said, but because he made me realise how many shitty friends I have and how lonely I truly feel. I reached out to quite a few friends that day, but most of them talked me down, saying things like “there’s plenty of other fish in the sea”, get over him he’s not worth it – and whatever other shallow comments may come to your mind in such a situation. This is not what one wants to hear when you’ve just gotten your heart broken. No matter how tiny it may seem.

I’ve had suicidal thoughts before. But that was when I was a teenager, and looking back to it, it probably was more so for attention. What I experienced on Wednesday was different. Very different. And it scared the shit out of me… I’m pretty trained at leading my thoughts away from going down a certain path. But Wednesday it didn’t work. My mind set up a pretty perfect plan of how I could take my own life, without anyone noticing early enough to save me. I’ve been working in a hospital for long enough to know which meds to take, to make it pretty sure. I had a plan in my mind, I had a night shift that day so I could take the pills home and do it the next day when no one’s home for long enough for them to work. No one would notice.
These thoughts were bad. Very bad. And there’s 2 persons on this planet I can talk about something like that. One of them is Kenny. Which just made the situation even worse. So I talked to the other one. And as I said, if it hadn’t been for work and good colleagues (I did not tell them anything about this, I was putting my smiley face on)… well I probably would have taken these pills and be no more. But I didn’t. I didn’t even take them home. Something changed at work. Not feeling worthless I guess.

So to say I was feeling shitty is understated. I know it may seem silly for something so tiny. But as I said, what Kenny did, triggered something huge in me. Not just that he dumped me, or that he was being an asshole. But how I was truly feeling and simply not allowing to surface: Loneliness.

Back to Kenny though. I asked him why he thought we never would work out. Didn’t get an answer. But then again, here’s nothing new. 2 years ago when we kissed, he became the biggest dumpshit, just to tell me a few months later that he needed to do this for me. That he was not truly feeling that way, but he needed me to get over him. I guess this is his plan again. I texted him on Thursday when I was feeling a lot better (despite having done shit on Wednesday aka slitting my arms open before work after being clean for 2 years).
I simply sent him a hello and he sent me a shamy-face back. I asked what this was about, he didn’t really answer. I asked him whether we’re going back to not talking. He didn’t reply. So I simply stated, that obviously we’re going on no contact again for a couple of months, but that he should know I still like him and I’ll see him whenever. He then sent a message back saying, I shouldn’t stress him since he’s at work.
This actually made me laugh. He has been texting me all day every day for the last 3 weeks, when he was at work. He’s reading my messages within 10 minutes after I sent them. And now he’s trying to tell me he’s busy with work? Well, you guess what? Fuck you. I know this game, and it makes me angry I’m playing along. For now I’ll get over him, he’s made me angry and that’s what he wants. And it’s what I need to get over him. But I want to get away from him for good. Although it hurts my heart to think of him not getting back into my life, like ever… (as for mentioned reason above, he is a good friend in bad situations, no matter what is between us, he knows what to do and say when I’m depressed), but maybe it just shouldn’t be.

But you know what makes me angry the most?
He doesn’t know whether we’d never work out. He’s a chicken. It’s not about him not having feelings, I’m pretty sure about this like I’ve said before. But he doesn’t have the courage to go down a path, there’s no certainty in. He’s always had girlfriends that know his bubbly side, but not his past (this is a guess, I’m not sure of this!). I do. I’ve known him in pretty damn bad times, I’ve known him when he was good. I’ve known him with heartache and in new relationships. I’ve had it all. I’m not sure if he can be himself with his girlfriends. I feel like he doesn’t, but again: that’s interpretation.
With me things would be honest. They would be emotional. He wouldn’t be able to hide. And he knows that. He knows I’m emotional and do want to talk about things. With me you can’t just get away, if I’m having a feeling. And I guess that’s what he’s afraid of: the truth. And it makes me sad and angry to know, that he could be himself with me, but is too scared to do so. Simply because it wouldn’t be easy. But it would be true.

So yes, it is Kenny’s loss. I think we would work out, if we both tried. It for sure wouldn’t be an easy path… but he doesn’t want to. And I’m accepting this. And I hope when he comes back to me in however long, I will go back to reading that post and realise how bad of a person he can be. I know in the end he just wants to not hurt me. He isn’t doing this on purpose (even my wise friend said so). Well he is doing it on purpose, but to save me from falling for him. Like for real. This is just a crush. But as my friend said, better stop it after one night, than letting me really fall for him and then him going away. He’s doing the less evil in this situation, and that’s what I give him credits for. He isn’t just thinking about himself, even if it may seem so for most people. He is not.

Still… This is it. And even though it kind of hurts, I know it is best for me. It isn’t best for him, because he does miss out on a good relationship for HIM. But he wouldn’t do the best for me. It’s me: giving without receiving. And as my friend said: it is time for someone to love me the way I give love. Entirely.
She’s said some very wise things to me: Don’t search fornany faults within you, M. I know being lonely for a while makes you do this, and seeing everyone in happy relationships makes you wonder what is wrong with YOU. But there’s nothing wrong with you. It’s them. You’re not doing anything wrong, but loving people. You’re not complicated. They just can’t live up to this and this is NOT your fault. You are a wonderful human being and anyone that will ever be with you, will be such a lucky man.

And this is what I’m doing. And I can’t remember when I didn’t have those thoughts when something didn’t work out. I always wonder what I’m doing wrong to not be able to have a relationship. Maybe it’s not me. But it’s hard to think like that. So maybe.. I just need to be alone and really learn to feel lonely. But it’s hard and I’m struggling already.

sad and sorry

I’m finally at the stage of being able to cry. I was afraid of letting the feelings in, of it hurting too much to bear. But friends have started asking questions about Kenny. And I started thinking about our situation (not that I didn’t before, but truly think about it). And I have just now sent him a message to please tell me that it had been just fun for him, so I can let go and stop thinking about it. That I just needed to hear.
I’m scared to look at my phone now. I’m crying my eyes out since I sent it. Because I know the rejection will come. And even though I am 90% sure it wasn’t just fun for him and he does love me in a way, I’m also 90% sure he also won’t ever be able to give me what I need. And I know he’s in some way devastated as well, because he’s hurting me. Again. And he doesn’t want that. Not in the way people think at least. It’s hard to describe, but I just know that. He’s a good person, despite what he’s done to his girlfriend.

My feelings have been so ambivalent the last few days. My brain and heart are fighting and even each one doesn’t know what it wants. I don’t want to date a cheater, but our long history is making it hard to forget about him. Our past is always getting back and I do not want to lose him ever in my life. He has been the one constant in my life, that I am not ready to give up. We may lose contact every few months and not talk for a year. But he’s here. He always is. It’s good to know there’s someone out there loving me, even if it’s not enough for what we both may want deep inside ourselves.

I’m still not regretting what I’ve done. Despite what most people may think. I don’t regret sleeping with him, because it was right at that moment. It was selfish, yes, but it felt right. For me at least. I cannot talk for him, we have not talked about it and he said we were good when I asked this morning because he’s been so distant lately. But I’m not. I’m really not. And I know I’ve gotten myself into this. It’s my own fault.
The last few days I have read back on all the posts I wrote about him and I. How the situation was when we kissed 2 years ago and it’s so similar. And yet I am here once again, sitting in my bed, crying about something I knew would happen all along. Will I ever learn? I guess not. I told a friend yesterday, I’d go over in a heartbeat, although I know I end up hurt. Although I know I want more from him than he can give. I have been lying to myself way too long. Saying I was okay with just fwb. I’m not.

I’m not okay. But it’ll pass. We’ve gone through that several times before. We will another time. And maybe in a year, we’re at the same page again. I do not know. I may be stupid, but I have my heart on my sleeve and always will. And I know Kenny is very good at making me dependent on him. He knows which points to trigger, to get me. I know that. I know a lot of things that happened, and still I never protect my heart. And I guess I will never learn in this life time. Not with him. I may protect myself from all the other guys, so I’m not sure why I don’t with him.

Happy Valentine’s. I only just realise before I texted him. This day will forever be on my black list. Today a year ago I got together with Alan. I let myself fall for someone and gave him my everything and got nothing in return. Today I will get my heart broken again, so why not? Why not do it on such a day. Maybe Kenny is even with his girlfriend, what do I know? I’m just so done with the world right now. So done.
I was watching “13 reasons why” till 5am this morning. I planned on going for a run today. I’m having an appointment in an hour and will turn up red eyed. And she’ll know. She always does. But I can’t. I want to turn it all off. I don’t want to feel so much. I can’t. Why am I always getting myself into these situations? I really don’t know.

And yes, I know better times are ahead. Some day I will meet someone who is worth it. Who will give me back what I need. Who will be honest. Who wants me. Whatever. It is not now, and for now I’m going to be sad. Even though I did this to myself. But I have every right to feel that way and… I don’t even know. I’m going now.

I’m sorry. I’m truly sorry for everything I said and did.

And I did just get a reply: “M, I like you very much, honestly! And you’re awesome. But there’s never going to be more to it than what we have now…” How in the world.. why did I do this?

the morning after | part 2.

So after nothing happened, we woke up at around 9am. He looked at me and just cuddled me. All throughout the night he shifted away, but then got back to holding me somewhere. He also seemed to dream, since he always said “no” (obviously my mind wandered to him having nightmares deciding between me and his girlfriend – he can’t remember anything though).

Anyway, I can’t recall exactly how it happened, but he kissed me at some point. I think he was caressing my back and then just went for it. It was nice. I mean, I knew I loved our kissing chemistry, but it had been 2 years. Lots could change. But it hasn’t.
We kissed just once. Then he turned away and we just lay there…
but long story short: yep we did, what we shouldn’t have. We had sex. He started to fumble and for the longest time I always pushed his hand away and told him not to. He asked why, and I told him “you know why”. It didn’t really matter – plus this is a huge déjà-vu… and I realised my defence was crumbling. So in the end we had sex.

It was nice, I’m not gonna lie. We had fun, we just clicked. But I also could not entirely forget about his girlfriend. And here come the haters:
No I’m not feeling good. I know there’s always two that belong to something like this happening. Right now I’m not sure who is suffering more. Kenny or I? I feel like we are the ones who got hurt, because I’m not sure whether he’ll tell his girlfriend. I actually have absolutely no idea what will happen from now on. Maybe this one thing has done it for us. Maybe the chemistry is gone. Maybe that affection we have shared for 16 years is now gone, that we know what it is like. So we can now meet up just as friends, without having the urge to touch and kiss each other. Or maybe it’ll continue. I can honestly not tell you.

I also cannot tell you how I feel about any of this. My feelings are very mixed, but mostly bad. But then that’s nothing new. I knew I’d feel the remorse. Maybe more so than him. And yet I’ve done it. Why? I don’t know.

It was all good after the sex. He asked whether it had been okay for me (he seemed very unsure about himself) and he realised quickly that I was not doing okay, because I was thinking about what we have done. I did not say it out loud, but I guess I needn’t to.
So we cuddled some afterwards and then I noticed that he wanted to leave. He’s leaving abroad this afternoon, so I knew I had to get him back home in time and that was okay. We never planned on this happening. He actually had said before we fell asleep “who would have guessed we’d end up here?” and I just laughed and then he said “well.. at least not today”. So you know, he has planned this. And I’m not sure if he just wanted to get me laid, or whatever. it does sound like it I know, but I don’t believe it quite yet. We’ve had these kind of conversations before, and he always said “if I just wanted sex with you, I’d long have gotten it.” Which is true.

Anyway back to the story. So we started to get dressed, he looked around in my flat and then he suddenly got all weird and very distant. I asked if he was okay and he just said he was still drunk (which he wasn’t). I drove him home (15 minutes) and got a goodbye kiss on my cheek. Not surprising, since his neighbours surely know about his girlfriend. He also said that if any of his colleague will see him, he’ll tell them I’m his sister. This is one thing why I guess he won’t tell his girlfriend. Anyway. He then said “well.. see you… somewhen” and I jokingly said “in a year at carnival I guess”, he didn’t say anything to that just “well we’ll talk on the phone”. Then he walked off, no looking back. And that was the moment I think he realised what we had done. And the moment that everything hurt for me

I have no idea how he’s dealing right now. I haven’t heard from him yet and I want to leave him be for a moment. I don’t think he regrets what we’ve done, and neither do I if I’m being honest. If that makes me selfish, then that’s okay for me. I know we could have taken different turns on a lot of opportunities, but it happened. And that’s what we have to deal with right now. And I will be taking all the consequences if he decides to tell his girlfriend.
I’m not sure why I’m sad though. I’m not expecting a relationship. I do love him, but not in that way. We had sex, we weren’t making love. This is a huge difference for me. It was for fun. And I think it was the same for him. So we’ll have to see what happens.

As for the comments I’ve gotten lately. I do understand you guys, but I’m not sure I will defend myself any further. It has been a decision made by me, knowing the consequences. This blog has always been more of a diary to me, so I can read back on how I felt in certain situations in my life… and I’ll continue to do so. So excuse me if I’m not replying.