Kenny

Kenny and I have known each other for years. Literally, I met him online in 2001. I had a huge crush on him, without even knowing what he looked like, yet he was very charming and naive-old-me just fell for it. He wasn’t so happy about my inexperienced me and “dumped” me. Fast forward 4 years and we met at a party. By this point we have seen each other a couple of times, did talk but like not for the longest time. This time he came over, chatted with me.. and then kissed me. I was shocked, as he had a girlfriend at that time. I never really forgot about this kiss. We went on and off meeting each other annually, but nothing happening. In the beginning of February 16′ I texted him again, after he added me on Facebook. We decided to meet up once again at carnival. Once again, he had a girlfriend – 3 years to date. Once again, he kissed me. This time it wasn’t just a peck, but real kissing. Like, actually making out for quite some time. He asked me to see him again a few days later, but I didn’t go. We agreed on meeting up after carnival, but that never happened. The next 5-6 weeks were the same as always: flirting on his side, telling him he has a girlfriend on my side. After 6 weeks I was done with his behaviour. After telling him I was not going to let him cheat on his girlfriend with me, he suddenly started ignoring me and that’s where we currently are. (2001 – March 2016)

ups and downs.

This is a place where I am completely honest, and I know how much I will love to read back on these posts in a year or so. How messed up my thoughts were, how difficult I make things for myself – when they’re really not.

After my very bad thoughts on Sunday, I didn’t want them to be true. I hesitated about writing that post, but I felt the need to get it out – writing it down makes it so real. But then I talked about it with a friend and she looked at me like I was a crazy woman. She met him that day and told me how well we match and how in love we looked.

Alan came to my place on Wednesday. I was out with some friends and asked if he was okay meeting them beforehand. He didn’t reply, so I simply got him there. He was very quiet, but I was happy for him to meet them. Then he met my mom. Everything went so well. Even my cats liked him, which was a huge relief to me.
We were sitting on the table for 3 hours, those two just talking to each other, so I already knew my mother liked him. Just today she told me that she thought he was so different to Momo, but that she really liked his personality.

When we got into bed, Alan and I had a long talk about our family issues. And the next morning – reviving these moments – my heart almost burst with love and that’s when I knew he is worth the struggles I’m going through. He is not just my boyfriend, but becoming a good friend. He listens, he’s there for me, he understands my situation. And that’s so important to me. Finally having someone, who knows what I am talking about. But after all that he’s went through, he still is so positive (and that’s something so different than what I’m used to).
Also my friend asked me if I have always been nervous before seeing my boyfriend,… and I realised that I have never felt this way. I was nervous before the first date, but anything after that was fine. I still get the butterflies just before I see Alan now – and I have seen him soooo many hours by now. It’s really weird to me.

Yes, I still fear to meet his friends and mom. She does not think very good of me (I think I mentioned that she saw the hickeys and told him that it was very cheap of me – he lied to her about me, said it was a bet with a friend.. but mum’s just know, right?). I really want to get along with her, so I’m under a lot of pressure. There’s no meeting in sight yet, but I know how nervous I will be – and I am sooo awkward when I’m nervous. I’m meeting some of his friends this weekend, so we’ll see how this goes.

I just wanted to say that although things might be edgy at times, I am very happy with him.

PS: Kenny texted me this week about today’s party. Today a year ago I met and kissed him. I told him that I wasn’t planning on going to that party and he asked me why not. So I just told him that I might go over to my boyfriend’s place (which wasn’t the case at all) and he was like “wow that went fast!” and I asked what he meant. Him: “well, just a month ago you hated every man.” I actually laughed out loud, because really?! Me: “that’s because I hadn’t met the right one yet.” Haven’t heard much from him since – apart from that he wished me luck.

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the guys are going insane!

So. As I mentioned in my last post, I unfriended Yavin on any social media and deleted his number. It actually felt good, not to have an opportunity to text him and I was – surprisingly – dealing well with the situation.

Then on Thursday night I received a text message from him, saying “the more fool you“. I was really surprised to read again from him, so I was just like “about what?”. Let’s be honest. I knew what he was talking about, but I didn’t think he would be mad about me deleting him off everything. HE didn’t want to talk anymore, so where was the problem?

He didn’t reply again, so I just let out what I was holding back for a while now:

Me: I really don’t know what your problem is, but it seems like you have one. But you can’t even open your damn mouth about it. I can not do any more than offering you to forget what has happened and if you can’t even reply to that… then well yeah, the more fool you!

Him: You have already deleted and unfriended me everywhere. So let’s just leave this be. Have a nice time

Me: Yavin, I’m gonna tell you one last time: the way you’ve treated me the last 2 weeks, made me think that you do not want to talk to me no more. I thought we might try again to talk to each other in a normal way, but then you didn’t reply again? I’m not gonna punish myself even more in having to look at your face on social media. I can’t tell you more than that I like you and am interested. If you don’t believe me, I can’t change anything.
I’ve deleted you for the only reason that I do not want to have any way to contact you, not because I don’t want to talk to you. I  know myself, I never give up. And I don’t want to run my head against the wall over and over again. So I just let you decide whether you text again or not.

[ He didn’t reply again for 30 minutes… ]

Me: Well, I guess this is a final goodbye then. No matter how ridiculous this is, I was glad I met you. Goodbye.

I did not get a reply again, and I guess I never will. I really don’t know what his fucking problem is, and honestly… I don’t care anymore. It feels like he has a huge problem with his self-confidence, and I am not willing to put up with that bullshit, if he is treating me that way! I gave him so many chances to get back into this, and he took none. So why should I keep trying?!

On the other hand, he made me go out a lot more again this week and I loved it. I guess that is also the main reason why I am so happy despite everything that has happened.

And on a whole other note: Kenny is back with his girlfriend *lol* Really, this was no surprise to me. I asked him why he went back and he said, that she told him she would change. We all know this is not gonna happen, as their problem is much huger than just what he told her. But who cares really? He also told me yesterday that he really would love to kiss me again, but he can’t. I asked why he can’t (I was drunk and I just wanted him to tell me. I didn’t even have any feelings towards him, so he wouldn’t hurt me – no matter what he said) and he said, so I don’t get my emotions mixed up again. So he would totally cheat on his girlfriend again, but would not kiss me for the sake of my feelings. I actually was laughing out loud about this. He is so fucked up.

Actually. They both are.

frustrated me

I need to tell you two news. Well, actually it’s just one news and something else I need/should/want to talk about.

First things first: Kenny texted me on Saturday morning letting me know that he broke up with his girlfriend for now. That was kind of unexpected. I did expect him to break up somewhen, but not a few days after talking to him about it – or rather the first opportunity he got when he saw her. He said that they would take a week off and see what’s going on. But just the way he talks, I don’t think they’ll get back together. But I’ll keep y’all updated of course.

How I feel about this?
I honestly don’t know. It was a mixture between fear and happiness when he told me. And I was super proud of him for doing what he told me he would do. I tried to cheer him up somewhat, but it’s hard without getting my emotions involved and what is going on in general. So there’s that.

Then.

As you all might know, I’m think I’m having the date with Yavin in 2 days. I am still very nervous – yet excited for it. And I tried to not think about it most of the last few days, because I got all nervous-butterfly-stomach ache when I did. Just this morning my friend asked me how I felt about it and I said that I was very excited.
However, we haven’t talked to each other since Friday. He hasn’t kept up the conversation once since probably 2 weeks. And although I said to my friend that I didn’t think about it – at least not negatively – tonight it got me thinking. I texted him. Again. We had a brief conversation, but then he didn’t reply again. I don’t know what is going on. Doesn’t he want to see me anymore? Is he just busy? But then he’s online all the time. It’s not that hard to text every once in a while. Right?!

I’m gonna let him be. If he texts me, fine. If he doesn’t, not fine. I’m just scared he won’t ask me about the exact time and place, so it means he doesn’t want to see me. I really don’t want to be dumped. It’s not like I am afraid he doesn’t like me, or is playing with me – I really don’t. But I’m starting to ask myself if I should be afraid. After all, I don’t know him that good.

Just a quick overview:

  • 6th January: he was sick, I told him to let me know if I could do anything and that I liked him. No more messages afterwards for over a week.
  • 14th January: me texting him to ask, if he was still alive and whether I should take it personally that he didn’t reply.
    He told me then “I’m gonna text you, going to bed now though. Bye”
  • 17th January: he texted me about an instagram picture of me and we had the longest conversation ever over the whole day. We were back to texting like we used to in the beginning and the conversation engaged until Wednesday (18th) till mid-afternoon when he all of a sudden stopped texting again.
  • 19th January: he texted me, because I was poking him on facebook to see if he was alive. Very short conversation about sex, then he stopped. Again.
  • 3 days later, today: still no reply, so I sent him an emoticon. Two short sentences of him and then no more reply to mine.

What the hell is going on? We used to talk all day long over the holidays. And he told me last Tuesday how much he loved talking to me.
This seriously is bothering me now. Has he lost interest? Or is it just because he’s back to work? But then he texted me all day long on Tuesday. I know he has access to his phone pretty much all the time. I understand when he spends the weekend with his daughter, so that’s why I didn’t text him. But just breaking off every fucking conversation out of nowhere and not starting a new one in a few days…? Seriously?! Even after I told him it was bothering me?

What the hell is going on?! And how should I react?

2 guys at once

It’s getting really hard to deal with my emotions right now. I know that I am single and am “allowed” to date however many guys I want to. But that’s just not me. I’ve never got myself in the situation of dating two guys at once, or I would feel very very bad. I don’t want to make the choice between dating one, and hurting the other. That’s my problem right now. I’m not actually dating two guys at once,  but it still feels like it and possibly could turn out to happen.

Kenny has been asking me for relationship advice for a few days now, and it makes me cringe. I told him this morning, that I am not in the right position to give him advice – given our current and past situation. I feel like I want him to be single, so I can’t really be neutral like I should be. So I’m telling him to break up for that reason. But I am also very well aware, that this is not my choice to make. I told him what I would want, if I were his girlfriend. And he has told me several times by now, that he will break up with her eventually, because it’s not fair to her to stay in a relationship he is not happy in. He really doesn’t want this anymore – I can feel it. He just can’t overcome his fear of hurting her (his words). Which I understand so much more than I should.
I feel very honoured that he is talking to me about this, and it makes me feel like it’s getting us even closer than we already are. And I’m not sure I want this to happen right now.

Just looking at that situation, it would be awesome, right? I always wanted to get a chance from him – for us. But given that I am going on a date with Yavin on Wednesday just makes me feel like cheating each one. I know that I don’t have to feel this way, but I do. I don’t want Kenny to actually break up with his girlfriend right now, so there’s no decision for me to make. You know? Like, I don’t want to make that decision, and if he stays in the relationship, I don’t have to. I’ll just have to go ahead and date Yavin. But I also know that he’s not breaking up with her because of me, and he deserves to be happy and therefore break up with her. And I do want to be there for him, I’m just not sure how good this will work out.

Then there’s that little hope that the date with Yavin won’t turn out to be what I expect. It’s not like I think that way, or really hope for it. Because I really like that guy. He makes me laugh. And he’s so much like me. We don’t have a past to overcome, it would be all new and exciting. There hasn’t been a thing about him I disliked so far (maybe apart from the lack of conversation from his side). I love talking to him, and I will definitely love to spend time with him in reality. It just would take that decision away from me, too. But really, I hope it’ll click.

Kenny or Yavin?
Maybe I’m just reading too much into either situation. Or I might end up not getting either one of them. There’s a possibility. But right now it just makes me feel very bad, talking to 2 guys at once. Especially after saying all these lovely things to Kenny one day, and then setting a date with Yavin the next.
I can’t really explain, it just freaks me out. And I have been dealing with terrible anxiety ever since (especially when I realised how dependent Kenny is on me on that whole relationship situation).
And right now I’m also trying to just ease my mind, saying I will decide after I’ve first seen Yavin. But making my decision dependent on one single date is just ridiculous. And I don’t think it will be like “oh yeah, now I will or won’t date Yavin”, you know? I’ll just have to wait and see how things turn out, I guess.

true talk with Kenny | part 1.

Two major things have happened over the last 24 hours. Two completely different things that I have to tell you nonetheless, so I will split them up in two posts.

First things first:
I did want to tell Kenny about my feelings for a while now. Not my “I love you” kind of feelings, but just how I feel about us overall. About the situation we have been in for years since we last kissed. About his behaviour and so on.

Last night I decided to text him on snapchat (so he couldn’t reread the message):

Late night confessions:
I usually don’t want to bitch at you or anything the like, but I’m frustrated. Mainly with myself, but also with the current situation. I don’t know what this is about, but I always find myself slipping back into the same situation with you. I don’t want to cut off the contact, but I also feel like I can’t deal with being in contact with you that way. I don’t know what it is about you, that always leads me back into that situation. I miss you, when I shouldn’t. I want to spend time with you, when I “shouldn’t”. And although my mind knows what the facts point towards, I somehow just don’t understand nonetheless. I don’t know why. It’s not like you’re trying to get my hopes up, but you also don’t really show your true intentions. Or I’m just putting way too much into it, or am hoping for something, because I feel like there is something about us, ever since we first saw each other. Or is it normal to kiss each time, although you have a girlfriend? I don’t think so. I don’t know. And still, I know this is never going to work out. Back and forth, it’s making me go insane. My thoughts are making me go crazy!
This is all probably going to be very surprising to you, but I just needed to tell you – about my thoughts for over a year. I can’t expect you to know or notice, it didn’t work last year, it won’t work this year either. And no, I really don’t need an answer from you to that ramble, but I want you to understand how I feel.

I’m not sure where these feelings came from, but I just started to text and that’s what I sent in the end. He read it this morning and didn’t reply for the longest time. I knew that he either would react in a good way – or not at all. So I figured it would be the latter.

At 11am I received a message:

“Thanks for your message. Listen. I don’t want what happened last year. I don’t want to play or anything the like. I’m too old for those games, and we both don’t need this.”

Which really, didn’t help at all. How was he feeling? Was he thinking the same things? No idea. I said once more that I didn’t feel like he was playing games, when I read back on our messages from last year. It took him a while until he told me that he was having problems. I asked what about and he told me that his feelings towards his girlfriend had subsided and he wasn’t sure what to do about all of this.

This was news to me. We never actually talked about his girlfriend. She was always there, between the lines, but not actual talk.
I mean, the first thing I said to my friend was “well, I could’ve told him so last year already.” But we all know that people have to figure things out themselves. I wasn’t really sure what to tell him, it wasn’t my place to give relationship advice and that’s where we stand right now. I told him to do what he felt like, and that I understood how hard it was to break up, when you’re so used to a person.

He told me later on that he did know he wasn’t being fair to his girlfriend and he really should break up. I left it at that. I am not going to tell him to do so, or anything the like. It’s his decision and I am not going to force him into anything that is not his very own decision. But him telling me this – it was very surprising to me. And confusing.

It’s not like this was a “yeah, now we can date and get together. Finally get that chance in the end”,.. actually. Although this was what I had been longing to hear for the longest time, I was scared. Scared because a barrier I wasn’t willing to break, would soon be demolished.

Was this really what I wanted all along?

But things were about to get complicated.

quick update on the boys

Two things happened yesterday after I wrote up that post:

  • Kenny did message me around midday, saying that he fell asleep the night before (which I actually don’t believe, because I did see that he was online at one point). We chatted back and forth, no asking of him if I would join the party… but then I didn’t really expect him to.
  • I texted Yavin in the afternoon, I just couldn’t bare the thought that he would slip through my fingers, when I had that urge to talk to him.

So long story short (it’s actually not long at all): I texted him saying:

Are you still alive or do I have to take it personally?

He replied pretty quickly that he was back to the living. So I said that I had to take it personally then and he said that I didn’t. I told myself to not get into that “self-pity” stage again, in which I hope for people to realise that they’ve hurt me without actually telling them… so this time, I simply told him. Our conversation went something like:
Him: How can I make up for it again?
Me: Well you could text me first for example.
Him: Sorry, I was ill until Thursday and had a lot of catching up to do.
Me: Well, shit happens I guess.
Him: So we’re not gonna talk to each other anymore then?
Me: I told you once before, that I am not gonna force you to write with me.
Him: That’s your own fault then. Sometimes I gotta be forced to see my luck.
Me: That’s not me though, I like when people actually want to talk to me and not be annoyed whenever I text.
Him: I’m happy whenever you do text me!

Lots of blahblah.. so in the end I told him that he should understand what this looked like. Me telling him that I liked him and then no more texts whatsoever. That everybody would ask themselves what they did wrong. To which he said that he totally understood and he was sorry.. and he would text me and we still had to grab a drink.

He said good night with the words that he will text me. Nothing till now, but we’ll see. I’m just glad I got it off my chest. Why ignore people and let them figure things out themselves, that they probably don’t even notice? Just tell these people what you feel like. It’s usually not that bad, right? I’m glad I did write. If he now decides to not text me again, so be it. I did all I could. I told him how I felt, I didn’t throw a tatrum. I let him have some time off. All is well.

But I’m not gonna ignore my gut that tells me he could be a perfect match again. Sometimes you gotta step over your pride and do something you probably wouldn’t do in another situation.

emotions I do not want

I have been reading through all my old posts and screenshots of conversations with Kenny in these last few days. My friends noticed that I am very interested in seeing Kenny again. And I have been missing him like crazy, since he’s been abroad for the week.

Stupid ideas have popped back into my head again. He asked me to come to the airport to pick him up yesterday and I actually thought about going. I didn’t, but I thought about it. I also thought about going to a party he is on today. But I didn’t. Because my head knows how stupid that is.

Rereading those posts, made me realise how much I am in the same place I was pretty much a year ago. And last night I realised that nothing has really changed at all. Remember those times he wouldn’t text me once the weekend was around – because his girlfriend was there? Yeah, haven’t heard from him since last night when he returned home, although we have been chatting all day long these last 5 days.

I need to really – and I mean really – get him out of my head. This is never going to turn out well. He’s not gonna leave his girlfriend. He told me so many times last year, that he just wanted to have fun (although he also said that he never wanted to get into my pants either). That he was not interested in dating. So why does my head get all messed up each time I talk to him again? Why does my heart long for him, although my head knows pretty well that this is not what I want or even can have. So in the end, I might not go to that party in a few weeks to see him again, because I know how much it’ll mess up my head again – although I really really want to see him. Why do I always fall back into this stupid crush when we talk? Why is he the only one, that gets into my head each time? How can he wrap me around his fingers with as little as a few days talk? And why does he keep telling me how much he misses me, and wants me hin his life, and wants fun – but in the same breath he tells me he doesn’t just want fun? What does he want?

I just don’t understand.