it was just sex!

Now I remember why I started writing that last post… I did not even mention the reason at all. I completely forgot, once I started typing. Just once more shows how messed up my mind is.

Well, this is going to be a short one then:
Ken texted me last week about an article that people in my area have the highest masturbation rate. Or whatever. I asked him why he only texted me with things like that. The last time he texted me was about him finding “our” handcuffs we used when we were together. He denied it at first, but then realised that he actually does only text me when it comes to sex.

He then said “in our relationship it was all about sex, right?”. And although it has been 3 years since we broke up and I never truly loved that dude… this fucking hurt. There were feelings involved on my side and he had confessed his love for me early on. So realising he has actually put our relationship down to just sex. It hurt. So I just replied “well that’s not my opinion, but okay”. Him: “well it was mostly about sex”.

I was in no mood to talk to him any longer at this point. He tried to start some small talk, which included “why are you single?”, when he didn’t actually know whether I was.
Just this week I got a message from an unknown number, asking as well why I still was single. Why do people just keep thinking I will never get into a relationship?
Yes, the last 4 years have thoroughly sucked when it comes to love on my part… but that doesn’t mean I may find love myself again some day! And especially my ex-boyfriends should know I am not keen on showing everybody on social media, since I am hesitant for obvious reason that it may end soon again.

That just sucked. And even though it would have never worked out, hearing it was just all about sex… hurts. A lot. And it wasn’t even the first time something like that happened (remember Stan? He’d said I was only good for sex as well). I mean it’s a plus. It means I’m actually good at it *lol* but I’d rather be a good girlfriend, y’know.

That’s all for the rambling. Good night!


sleepover | part 2.

We went to his room. He had gotten changed whilst I was on the toilet. Quite unfair, since I had to change in front of him and I really don’t like this sort of attention this early on (as I am not as confident about my body as one might think). Well, he actually turned on the light so I told him to turn it off again (to which he said “but I wanna see!” like a little boy – but turned it off again smiling). I got changed, making sure no glimpses of me braless would be had. Then I got into bed with him. It didn’t take him too long until he started kissing me in a way I knew something would happen. And let’s be honest. It was obvious we’d sleep together at some point. Although since he was so distant whilst watching the movie, I wasn’t sure anymore whether it would happen that night. And he also told me later on, that he usually doesn’t sleep with girls that fast.

So yes. We had sex and fell asleep afterwards. The sex was okay. Not mind-blowing but I didn’t expect it to be, if I’m being honest. I loved his attention and he was being nice. I was somewhat surprised he didn’t offer any protection… until I remembered that I had mentioned on our first date that I was on the pill (he is such a good listener, honestly!)
I didn’t get the best of sleep that night, but then I never do laying next to someone “new”. But we lay in bed pretty much till like 3pm the next day. He fell asleep several times, and so did I when he was holding me close and I felt all cozy. It was very cute. Also at some point when I was laying in his arms, he all of a sudden said “it’s nice being with you!” Aww.
When we finally did get up he offered me breakfast and I expected some bread and marmalade, nothing big. But he made the biggest deal with veggies and stuff and it was so cute. He also made me try new things, which i am usually not keen on, but he somehow managed to know what I like. He also held my stomach at some point in the kitchen whilst we were making things ready, and was like “baby in here?” (since I told him my nephew asked last weekend) and I was like “well now they might be!” His face was priceless! He later texted me about my bleeding (from my cervix surgery, beause I had told him that I’d gone to the o.b. on Friday) “hope I didn’t make it worse” and then asked when my next appointment was. When I told him it was 5 months away he simply stated “if you’re pregnant, it might be earlier 😛 “. He’s so funny with things like this, I love it.

He tried to make sure I was eating enough, but I can’t. I just can’t with someone I’m nervous with. But he was all cute about it, being worried I didn’t get enough. Somehow after breakfast we ended up in bed again, just cuddling till dinner time. He cooked again, being all lovely and then we watched some TV, cuddling with the cats and stuff. We went to bed again at like 1am and I had a REALLY good night’s sleep this time. I was however sad, since I knew I had to leave around 10am the next morning, because I had made plans. I didn’t want to go, but he made me. Not sure whether he wanted to have some alone time, or simply didn’t want my mom to get angry because I’d turn up super late. Of course I did say “you just want to get rid of me” which he always declined… but I don’t know. I wasn’t so sure.

The date was good overall. However there have been a few things on my mind. First of all, I know that I have fallen for him. Way harder than he has. At this point it doesn’t bother me as much as it probably should… but I somehow just noticed. I’m sure he likes me, but I’m not sure if he actually will ever want me as a girlfriend. Secondly – *TMI!!* and this somewhat upset me: we had sex that first night. In the morning he started fumbling again and of course I wanted him again. He didn’t get hard though.
So I was not sure whether he’s not turned on by me, whether he was thinking too much or whatever. Of course the first thought was, that I did something wrong. However, I have asked him this evening by text and he told me that he had been overthinking too much (about a lot of things, not just during sex) which sometimes plays its tricks on him. Also since he is paraplegic, it also affects his sensory. I’m glad I asked, because I didn’t want to at first. But he said that he would let me know if I’d do anything wrong. I’m sure we can make things work and it’s not like the worst thing ever. I just wanted to make sure it was okay for him! And he was super upset about my bleeding, worrying he had hurt me… which was so cute!

Yeah, I’m somewhat all over the place as you probably can tell. Can’t tell what he wants or how he’s really feeling. He did tell me as well, that he usually doesn’t get into bed with girls that quickly, but didn’t tell me why he did with me (well he said I had provoked him, which is absolutely not true! It was completely on his terms!). It’s not a bad thing at all, it makes him much more sympathetic to me… but all of this is just hard for me. I don’t think he only wanted sex, else I’d notice by now and he wouldn’t text me anymore. He also texted me saying “I hope the bleeding doesn’t get heavier because of me”, which just shows me that he actually cares for me – even if he doesn’t say it like that.

We’ll see. For now I’m just going with the flow and will not ask for a “set status” or whatever. I don’t need it anyway. I know how I feel and will let him have the time he needs until he feels the same (or breaks it up).

happy days

This relationship is so good for me. Never in my life would I have guessed I would ever be as happy as I currently am.

I’m not sure what is making me feel so emotional today, but ever since I have been reading the After series from Anna Todd, the story has reminded me of how much I miss Alan. We are not having an abusive relationship and it doesn’t remind me of him at all. It probably makes me cherish what we have, for it reminds me of my relationship with Stan. And how much better it is that I have found Alan. And he has become my man.

Last night I went over to his place, although I really wasn’t feeling it. It was a long ass-ride and I was having a fever. I was so tired by the time I arrived (10.30pm),  but I loved laying in bed with him and listening to how his weekend has been – although he had already told me by text. I loved laying in his arms and just listening to his voice, because it always soothes me. And I had the worst night sleep in my entire life, I felt like a wreck in the morning and had to get up at 7am on my only day off this week – but I was still so happy. For the few hours I was able to spend with Alan. For the love he always makes me feel. And because I know how much I miss him once I’m gone again. I can’t wait to see him again – no matter the lack of sleep I get with him. I love how connected I always feel when we have sex. How he makes me feel so good each time. Craving him, even when I’m not in the mood. I actually want to marry that man one day, who am I? And what is he doing to me?

As I’m having herpes on my lip, I told him not to kiss me. Being completely honest, I didn’t think he would go through with it – but he did. And it was pure torture. He did wake up in the middle of the night and kiss me and fall straight back to sleep. But whenever his brain was functioning properly, he didn’t kiss me. At least not on my mouth.

Also after being on the pill for 2 months now, I was worried why he would never cum inside me (this is really awkward, but it was bothering me) – so today I finally asked him. I asked whether he was scared to get me pregnant or actually didn’t like it. And he told me that “I do not want to get you pregnant as long as I’m a student, I actually fucking love the feeling when coming inside you, but yes – I’m scared. And whenever I’m close I get terrified and pull out”, which was really fucking cute, right?

We also had our 2 months anniversary on Friday. I didn’t mention it, because he just doesn’t seem like the kinda guy to make a big deal out of it. He came over to my place – although I had to get up at 5.30am the next day – and in the middle of a normal conversation was like “so 2 months, huh?”. Cute.

Time has flown by. And I am falling in love more and more each day. I would have never thought I might get the chance to experience true love. But now I understand what everybody always was on about. And I can’t stop smiling about it. So, so happy.

Lost him?!

I’m a bit confused… whilst things are going well with Alan whenever I am with him, I sometimes feel like he doesn’t care to see me. There’s an 1.5 hour drive between us. He’s a student. I drove over to his place during the week whenever I was able to. In these last 3 weeks he came over once, although he was off several days.

I actually don’t care to drive to his place. What does bother me though: Last week he told me on Sunday he’ll have a look at his schedule so he could come to mine sometime during the work week. There was not a single word about it again until the weekend. Okay, he was busy. I get it…

I offered him on Monday that I was off this Thursday (today) and he was off work after midday, so he could come to my place. I figured I would not mention it again… I mean I offered already, right? Not a single word again. It’s Thursday night and I’m laying here alone, not even once asked to come over although he was bored all afternoon. He was off Tuesday as well and I actually said he should come over, which he just laughed off.

It’s hard to immediately think about going over every free hour I have, and he doesn’t even notice when he’s off the entire afternoon. Yes, maybe he would have to get up earlier than when he would be home… but seriously? I get up at 5am each Monday (instead of 7am), just to spend one more short night with him.

I’m actually not even in the mood to plan our weekend. I’ll just wait and see how long it takes him to ask about it. He did not ask at all last week. So I am not sure whether he even wants to see me at all. But oh well… I’m just so confused, he also wasn’t interested in sex last weekend. He actually told me no. Never happened before. Whenever we did have sex, it was on my behalf. Has he fallen out of love? I’m scared.

I met his father! | part 3.

Read part 1 here and part 2 here.

I knew beforehand that I would spend the night. He told me I would, and I was actually more than okay with it – although I’m usually really not the type of girl to spend the night at a guy’s house. Like I said before, I didn’t intend to have sex with him, and I know pretty well that you can spend a night in bed without actually having sex.

Well. This didn’t work with Alan and me. At all. We were awake till 5am, cuddling, having sex, talking. Then we fell asleep till 12pm, just to start anew *laugh* At some point he said that he was so glad he now knew we could spend all day in bed without any judgement from my side. We then got up to eat something and he had to finish his paper whilst I was hanging around. It was actually so lovely.

Afterwards we went and watched some more TV. It was around 7pm by then, when he asked me when I had to be head back home. I said there was no specific time, I just had to get to school the next morning. He then told me that he had to pick up his father at 9.30pm and that I could leave then, and I said okay. So clearly I had it set in mind that I would leave around 9pm.

When 9pm turned around he asked if I would like to stay some longer and he knew I was torn. I knew I should get home for the sake of school, but also really wanted to stay with him – afraid that this dream bubble would pop, once I got out of reach. So after another 15 minutes he asked again and I said I would stay – although I was terrified to meet his father this early on. I mean we just met, how was I supposed to react? And I also didn’t know how much his father even knew about me – or if he even knew I existed.
So we went to the train station to get him. I got so nervous, because at lunch we talked about first impressions with parents, and he told me how his ex girlfriend had messed up with his parents – so you know. Pressure high!
His father got there, I said “Hi I’m M” and he was just like “yeah hi!”. I was so set back about this that I didn’t even try to speak to him anymore on the car ride back home. I was devastated by then, because I had thought I totally had ruined my chance with Alan. He told me how much it meant to him that his girlfriend would get along with his family.

Once we did get home though, we started a casual chat with his father and it was so much fun. Not so much fun, when he asked Alan about those hickeys I gave him the night before, but oh well… embarrassment on a whole new level. We then actually watched TV for about 3 hours – his father, him and I. It was lovely. His father then went to bed and we continued watching TV till 3am. I knew I had to get up at 5am to get to school on time, so I wasn’t planning to go to sleep and just held him in my arms and watched him sleep.

Once my alarm went off I just wanted to go, I was so devastated by then, so tired and sad to leave.. I wanted to get it over with, because he was half asleep. So I said goodbye, kissed him a billion times and went back home. I went straight to school with no sleep whatsoever – and lack of sleep does wicked things to my brain…

To be continued.

date with Alan | part 2.

Read part 1 here.

When we were back at home at around 7-8pm, we got into the living room to watch some TV. He actually sat at the end of couch and I wasn’t sure if he intended for me to sit next to him or not. At first I sat next to him and he just looked at me in a weird way – not that he really was upset, but just weird. So I said something along the lines of “were I supposed to not sit here?” to which he jokingly said yes. So I switched to the other sofa across from him.

We then watched some youtube and at some point he held out his arm to fist bump me, which I did. Then I just held his hand. He looked really uncomfortable but even after asking several times he said that he was indeed comfortable. After a while he got up and sat on my legs, holding my hand. There were so many situations when he could have kissed me, but he didn’t. He was maybe an inch away from my face and I knew he wanted to – and so did I – but he didn’t. After a while he said to get up and grab a bite. So I got up, just for him to grab my hand and take me to his bedroom. We layed in bed and cuddled up. It didn’t take very long for him to finally kiss me then – and it was beautiful. Everything I had hoped it to be.

Let’s take a short cut here, for some unkown reason to me, it ended up in us having sex. I was by no means intending to have sex with him on the first date – even less so in the first few hours of meeting. But it was actually pretty damn good. There was a lot of (positive) tension between us, leading up to it. At some point he even said “where have you been all this time?!” Anyway, at about 1am we then finally got up to go grab a bite.

He held my hand when we were out, which was a surprise to me. I wasn’t sure if he was okay with showing up with a “foreign” girl, but it seemed like it. Then we went to eat at a Mexican restaurant and I just couldn’t bring myself to eat. I was so nervous and happy and just a huge bottle of emotions building up in me.

The casual talk went on and on over the entire evening and I loved it. It felt like we had seen each other a billion times before. We had the same kind of humour and just.. got along.

To be continued…


Not only has my anxiety hit its peak again, but depression has punched me right back into my face again.

while ago I have already talked about the topic of probably never having kids. Not that I do not want them, I really do, but there was suddenly this overwhelming feeling of not getting pregnant… like, ever. I cannot really explain where that feeling came from, but it stuck with me ever since. I mentioned that I have finally come to accept the thought, and I usually do. But it still leaves me crying every now and then. Like today.

When I got the message from my gyn that I had chlamydias back after the breakup with Stan last year, I was just sure that it got me infertile. I got everything tested again 2 weeks ago when I went for another checkup, because I had unprotected sex with Lex on holidays. I just wanted to be sure, that if I ever would find a guy again, that I was clean. For my own and the other’s sake.

Just a few days ago it crossed my mind that I hadn’t gotten a letter to say everything was okay yet. Which I usually did. Then after work I saw a missed call from my gyn. I already knew something was off and called them back, in fear that I had gotten gonorrheas. So whilst it was ringing I had all these bad thoughts in my head. In the end they told me that there was some inflammatory cell-change in my uterus. So after I finally got a negative test back earlier this year for my smear test, something is off once again.

I hang the phone up and said to my colleague, who was in the room: “why can’t they just take that shit out of me, so I have some peace at last?!” I literally said that they should take my uterus out, because I’m done hearing all those bad messages of my body. I’m done with how nothing seems to get better and getting calls from my doctors every few months. I hate going for checkups every month, and nothing ever gets better. For godness’ sake, I’m 26 and I have the body of a 50 yo. That just sucks and nobody seems to understand. And I just don’t have any energy left to fight all the freaking time.

Although I really really want children, I’m just done with all of this crap.
I have to go back in 3 months to get it checked out again, but seriously? I have no hope left for ever getting my life wish granted. I need to accept that I might never be a mother.

I talked to said colleague for 1.5 hours and she tried to cheer me up. But now I’m home alone again, and I’m crying my eyes out, because that thought finally does somewhat settle in my head. I just can’t accept it yet. Not really.
And it just seems like I can’t talk to anyone. The few people I did, don’t seem to take my thoughts seriously and just write it off to me overreacting. It’s always “nobody knows what the future brings” or “you sure will get pregnant somewhen”. But that feeling about being infertile just doesn’t go away. It’s not like it’s my fear (which it obviously is), but it’s just like something is awfully off in my body. I can’t really explain it. But I feel it.

I’m sorry for the huge overload of self-pity in this post, I just needed to get it off my chest.