Dodo

I have met Dodo around 2002 in a chat room. We aren’t exactly sure where and when we met, but it must have been somewhen around then. We talked every now and then, but it was an on-off-friendship. Whilst I was with Ken in April 2015, I congratulated Dodo to his birthday and got to talk to him once more. He was having real trouble with his long-term-girlfriend and I just listened. Once I broke up with Ken, things moved to a more serious place and just 2 weeks after my breakup with Ken in June, we met up. We had a blast and really got along. Just a few days later he broke up with his girlfriend.
So regular contact and meeting up was the result, no more holding back and we kissed. Feelings evolved a bit and we both knew that things would get more serious. But we also decided not to rush into a serious relationship by then. But then he started to become very clingy and serious and I realised that I just wanted to have feelings, but didn’t actually have them. So I ended things. (April 2015 – July 2015)

Dodo is back in my life!

On a whole other subject, but still I want it to be documented on here:

This whole mess with Alan has made me talk to Dodo again. I knew he would be here for me, because he always is and was. No matter how badly I’ve treated him in the past, he never left my side. No matter how much I tried to push him away. He kept his distance, but held my hand if I asked him to. This is what true friendship means. Being able to talk to them at any time, without judgment. And even though we didn’t talk a lot over the last 2 years due to my reaction to his love confession, I knew he would be here for me at any minute.

I texted Dodo after Alan failed to reply to my confession about my depression. I told him that I just didn’t understand, how one could not react to a message like that. And let’s put some things straight here: Dodo didn’t know either. So let’s just compare these two reactions of my boyfriend and a friend;

  • Boyfriend: No reply
  • Friend: “First of all, do I need to be worried about you?! Secondly: I don’t know how one cannot reply to something like that. Of course one can be overwhelmed with that, but even though it’s a difficult subject, just not answering is pretty damn… bullshit. Of course, an answer should be well thought about. But if someone would tell me this, it means she trusts me and I should be able to reply with something.”

And just like that, with one single text he made me feel that much better. Better than my boyfriend probably ever did when it came to problems.
This conversation ended up with a huge rant from my side about my boyfriend. And he just listened and said what he thought. That’s what a friend – even more so a boyfriend – should do. That’s what “being there for someone” means.
And on a little side note: Whilst I was writing all this to Dodo he was at school. And he actually intentionally left the room to be able and be there for me. That’s what friends do. Putting priorities right.

Ever since, Dodo has texted me daily, making sure I am okay. Telling me to look for myself and not for Alan. Make sure that if he drags me any farther down, I need to leave him. He made me see my worth again. Made me realise that it’s not all in my head.

We then talked about some other things and all of a sudden he asked me about my depression (and that was the moment I would have loved to show this conversation to Alan, just to let him know that it was possible. Having a normal conversation, making me feel loved and cherished. Being actually interested in my life).

After we talked all day long, he then told me about his current problems with his “girl” (it’s not his girlfriend) and he told me that he’s just asking himself, why he’s invested so much time in her. To which I said “you probably asked yourself the same thing about me when ‘we broke up’ ” (apart from asking what had happened etc.)
He said “No I actually have never thought bad about you. I just asked myself what would have happened if things went a different way. What if I had reacted in another way than I did”. I told him though that he never did anything wrong (or at least that’s what I had in mind. It just didn’t work out for me).
At that point I had reread what had happened between us 2 years ago, because after everything that has happened with Stan, I totally forgot what the issue was. And I don’t think he could have done anything right or wrong. It just didn’t match for me.

However. I’m just glad to have someone back in my life, that is actually here. Always.

depression.

Well, that was unexpected. I knew that I had been feeling “funny” for the longest time. I did notice some type of depression lingering right under the surface, but never in the world did I expect it to hit me as hard as it did yesterday. I had it under control. Or so I thought.

Yes, I feel better today, but I also know that I cannot simply ignore how I felt yesterday. And it’s actually quite terrifying thinking about it now. I am trying very hard not to talk to people who can trigger it. I really needed help yesterday and out of all the people… I texted Dodo. I expected him to say the right things. He didn’t. So I did what I knew would ‘help’ me release the pain.

Yesterday just pretty much summed up what the last 6 months have felt like for me, but I didn’t show anyone. I haven’t felt as lonely as I did in a long time. I didn’t know who to text to prevent myself from self-harming, so after the failure with Dodo, I couldn’t resist no more. If I’d had the money, I actually would have packed my things, driven to the airport and flown away. The pressure of getting away from my friends, family and just daily life was overwhelming. I didn’t know how to handle my life. I still don’t, if I’m honest. I still don’t know why I’m here. But I am. It just freakin hurts to now that nobody truly needs me. At least I’d had family before, but even that has been taken away from me now. Not in the physical way, but psychical. I don’t even want to see my brother again after what he’s said to me.

Life’s not easy on me right now. And I’m not sure how to juggle it.

searching for worth.

I am currently reading a book series called “The Summer I Turned Pretty”. It’s about 14yo-Belly, who is in love with Conrad. But Conrad doesn’t acknowledge her as more than a sister. She keeps going back to him, although she meets other nice boys and even has a boyfriend at some point, who is very loving. But whenever Conrad shows a glimpse of interest, she let’s everyone else fall.

What is she talking about? You might ask. Right now I feel a bit like Belly.
Remember Dodo? You know, he told me I was the one and we kept chatting every once in a while. He had fallen into depression shortly after what happened with us back in summer and I felt the need to help him out. This got to a peak around Christmas when he drunk-texted me that he really hoped he would die. I told him to search professional help. I was there for him all along, because I didn’t want him to feel rejected. I liked the idea of someone loving me, although I couldn’t give it back and I was having trouble with this situation in the beginning.

It never crossed my mind that he might move on. Silly me.
Yesterday he texted me saying that he’s had a date. Now here comes the weird thing. I felt a bit… jealous. Although I do not even want to be with him, I just always knew there was someone out there still loving me. It gave me some kind of weird power, it made me feel like I was worth the love. Him talking about how good the date was going and they will start dating, it made me feel a bit.. worthless.
Like.. everybody around me is getting the love they deserve (and he truly does deserve it!) and I’m just here like “hey, don’t forget about me guys?!”.
Adding into that, that I have lately bumped into high school friends that are happily married, pregnant or just in a long-term relationship. I just feel like a complete loser lately. I don’t know what to do, because I wish to be them. I want to be happy with a man that accepts me for me. That doesn’t try to belittle me. This just sucks. Big time.

On a bright note. I finally deleted Neo’s number. He hasn’t texted me since Saturday(?) when I asked him when he will fly out. That pretty much sums up what has been going on.

Nothing. Nothing at all.

Dodo won’t give up and my new date!

Bad things first, Dodo still doesn’t seem to have understood to leave me be. Saying I was outraged would be an understatement. My mother was actually by my side when I read his last message and she laughed her ass off about me freaking out about it. Dodo has texted me on Tuesday, saying he would really like to increase the contact again. I didn’t react, because.. why would I? I have told him 3 times in the last couple of weeks to decrease the contact, so he doesn’t get his hopes up. I’m not sure how else to tell him, because he just doesn’t seem to understand, because yesterday afternoon he texted me: “Hey, are you busy tomorrow? Would you like to meet up?” I didn’t reply for two reasons: One, because I don’t think he will ever understand, how ever many times I’m gonna tell him that it is over. Two, because I didn’t want to ruin my mood for the date with Stan. A few hours later he just sent a questions mark. I didn’t reply again. THEN he texted me again today, asking if everything was okay with me and I just plain out wrote “Yes, everything’s great with me, but you could just accept what I told you!”. He was quite set back by this, but maybe he understands now?! (I don’t really think so, I do expect him to ask again what he did wrong in the next few days!)

Now to the better part of yesterday. I met Stan! Just a quick side note, I was chatting with him in my lunch break when we somehow came to the topic of children. Now I have always wanted children young. But just a few weeks ago I actually thought how I would react, if I ever had to date someone who already has a child. I came to the conclusion that I probably wouldn’t be that upset, I’d just be sad not to get that first experience with my partner together. You know? As you all might have guessed already, Stan is a father. I was actually sitting at the table and was waiting for any reaction from myself. None appeared. I was just okay with it.

Anyway, so we decided to meet up at 7pm near my house. I wasn’t sure where exactly he meant to meet up, so that’s why I turned up “late” (like 3 minutes) when I saw him behind another car and had to walk all the way there. First thought was “wow he’s tall!”.. like, he is really tall! As in 6’1” (I’m 5’6”). He is pretty much a whole head taller than me, if not more. I knew how tall he was before we met, I just totally forgot about how tall it actually is. Second thought was “I really have never met him before” (we both thought we had seen each other before, but that was not the case so I am confused about that). He was smoking – which I also totally blacked out.
We said hello and talked a bit and then went into his car to drive to the open air cinema. Now the fun part was, I totally misunderstood him when he asked about this. There’s a cinema near my home and one a bit further away. I totally thought we’d go to the cinema near my home, so I am glad he asked to pick me up. That would have been weird if I showed up at another place than him.
Long story short, we were 2 hours early to the movie. Before we actually met I was scared. 2 hours is a long time if you don’t get along. If the movies starts, you at least don’t have to talk. You get me. But we had a blast and it was really funny to chat with him. I also punched him like half an hour into the date, because he was teasing me all the time. When the movie started I did notice that he would lean towards me so our arms were always touching. But I’m probably really just imagining it, because the chairs were quite close to each other. By the second half of the movie, he was freezing so I gave him my blanket to cover up, which was really cute. Well, about 15 minutes before the end, he was saying something and I – for some reason – put my head to his shoulder… and just left it there. It didn’t even take him like 2 seconds until he put his head on mine. So we cuddled a little, which I really enjoyed.
So yeah, I thought we’d go to the cinema and that’s it. But… no! He asked me if I would like to go grab a drink, so although I was shattered (I had been awake for 19 hours by then) I said yes. So we went to a very crowded and loud pub. I didn’t like it too much, because we couldn’t really talk because of the loud music and there were so many drunk people around. But we stayed for about an hour I think and at some point I did think that he probably wanted to kiss me. But he didn’t. He also took my hand when we got out through the crowd, which I really liked, although it was weird because I have only known him such a short time.
Anyway. So we went back to his car and he drove me back home. We were by my house at 1am I think. I didn’t really know how to say bye so we were teasing each other again and at some point I just jokingly got out of the car. He came to hold me and we ended up talking till 2.30am until he said that he was really tired and wanted to drive home. We hugged goodbye and I went home.

So. No, there was no kiss. There wasn’t even close to a situation where we could have kissed and I am very happy about this. I just wanted to have a normal date for once and I think that’s what I expected from a 31yo. I texted him saying thanks for the evening. Somehow we got into a conversation about how the evening had been and he said that I was really hard to read. He told me that he knows I enjoyed the evening but isn’t sure about where I want this to be heading. I asked him what exactly he meant with this and he just said “well either friendship or friendship with emotions” and I asked if he really couldn’t tell. So he then said that he probably could.
The last message then let me melt (and consider the time of 3.15am!): “Honey, you’re really cute and I have gained a very positive first impression of you! :-* good night” I’m not sure why I find this so cute. Well yeah, it’s because when we were talking outside the house he already said “you’re really cute”, not in a way that it was obvious but just casually between other sentences and I just really liked that.

So yeah, that has been my first date with Stan. I do hope and think there are others to come. Not this weekend for sure, as he’s busy for the rest of the weekend but I am looking forward to really getting to know him. He’s a cute one 🙂
But he did text me saying “I did tease you a lot.. but in mind I always thought about how cute you are. And I have the strong urge to see you again, so yes I do like you a lot.” He is very hard to read, so this was kind of a surprise to me as he’s not one to share his feelings until now. He also told me that he was teasing me so I would punch him and getting closer to him. Asking why he did that, he said because he likes cuddling up with me.

The thing is… I really love this whole dating him. I am just so scared that things will turn out the same. That I am telling myself that I am crushing on him (or so my friend said today, when I talked about the date) and then realising too late that it isn’t really love. So I really want to take things slow, but I’m not sure I could deny a kiss from him if he were to kiss me now. Probably not. I also am scared that after what happened with Dodo, I won’t like the kissing. It’s weird, because Dodo really has been the first one in my whole life I didn’t like to kiss although I liked him.

I’m just overall freakin scared out of my pants. Excuse my rambling.

he just doesn’t understand.

The thing is, I really know that it is not my fault. I have been honest with Dodo right from the beginning, I was honest and told him when he had to cut it down. I told him I couldn’t promise him that things would work out. I never did any wrong, so why am I still asking myself what I did wrong? I do not know. I don’t know if I should have been even more straight forward?.. but then how?

I texted him the following this morning after a sleepless night and nightmares about him whenever I would fall asleep:
I don’t really know what to say. I can’t exactly say that I am surprised about this, I had just hoped that it wouldn’t happen anyway. I already told you that I can’t – nor want to fulfill your expectations, and that’s still the case. You have expectations on a relationship I cannot fulfill. And you are so fixated on me, that I really had to cut down on the contact hugely.
I also have told you already, that I can’t promise you that my feelings will evolve, and that’s why I want to be honest: I don’t want you to have these hopes further on. Hopes that we will get together somewhen. I just don’t feel the same as you, and that’s why I don’t want you to have hope on a future of us together. Sure, we’ll never know what’ll happen in the future, but right now there’s no future together for me. And I don’t want you to wait for me.

It took me a lot of courage and a lot of ignoring my side of trying to protect everyone of hurt.. but I sent it. His response was:
I don’t know whether I am too dumb, naive or whatever but somehow this just doesn’t make sense to me. I tried to look at it from every perspective but I just don’t understand.

So of course I asked him what was so hard to understand about all of this, because,.. really? I have been forward with him. He said “All of this, I probably just have taken too much too seriously of what you’ve written.
This sounded really rude to me (is it just me?), blaming it on me, when really he misunderstood what I said. So – yes I was mad and replied:
“I would understand your reaction if it had been 3 weeks ago, but I have told you twice already, that you should keep your expectations low – so I don’t really see this as unexpected. And yes, you probably have interpreted way more into it than I actually have said, but I have never been untruthful or didn’t mean what I said.”
To which he then said “It seems like I just lack on experience and maturity to deal with such things.”

What more can I say? I think have been more than clear enough about this. I can’t say anything else, can I? He probably really was too naive, put too much thoughts or hopes into things that weren’t there. I feel like he thought I am deeply in love, when I never was. I never told him that I had a crush. Yes we kissed. But as I told you guys, there was no spark for me. I understand that he is hurt and probably doesn’t want to understand that his ‘seemingly one‘ doesn’t want him. But he needs to accept this and move on,… right?!

a confession

This is something I was trying to avoid to ever have to write. Yet, I knew this would happen sooner or later. I really didn’t want this, but I have to deal with this situation now. I just don’t know how exactly.

I think you guys have realised, that I have somehow closed the “case” with Dodo a couple of weeks ago. Yes, I did tell him that I needed time, I didn’t tell him that my feelings have vanished. I have been a real pussy cat, not being completely honest with him. I was lying to myself, hoping that feelings would show up, when I knew they probably wouldn’t. The same thing that happened with Ken, now happened again with Dodo. And I feel worse than ever. The one thing I tried to avoid, has happened. Why?

You probably are asking yourself what the hell I am talking about. A few days ago I have downloaded an app, similar to Tinder. I have met a few cool guys. Yes, I did feel guilty towards Dodo, but I needed to get my mind off him, off the guilt I felt, off the pressure he put me under. Tonight I was this close to meet up with one of them, because I really loved his chatty funny side. When we exchanged our numbers and started chatting via WhatsApp I saw that Dodo was typing. I knew that a love confession would follow, as he was drunk. He asked me in the afternoon to ignore him, because he would drink,.. so I did. But I just knew the confession would happen tonight. So when I saw him typing for the longest time, I knew what awaited me. I tried to sleep, forget about it. But after an hour of trying, I gave up. The following message was waiting for me:

I know you don’t wanna hear it. But I have a feeling.. I have a feeling I’ve never had in 9.5 years with my ex-girlfriend, I never felt so happy and save like when I was lying in your arms. I can’t describe this feeling in words, but I have never been so sure about having the one in my arms. I know you’re not ready for a relationship and I respect this decision and will wait for you however long it will take you. I just hope you can respect my confession to this.. you are the one for me, I don’t even know how to say it. The one person that can understand how I feel. What I feel for you, I can’t even describe in words, I have no idea. You are just that one person, the one. Every other person would say ‘ I love you ‘, but you know how I feel about love, so there’s nothing else to say than I will wait for you.

How do you tell someone who has just written something like this, that you do not intend to get into a relationship with him? Like… ever. I do not not intend to get into a relationship – don’t get me wrong – but I know that I won’t fall in love with him. He is too clingy, too much like Momo in his personality. I am not only not ready for a relationship, but I will never be ready for him. Not for his expectations. I can’t tell you what it is that makes me so sure about this, but I am.
I have decided not to answer to his message whilst he is drunk. He would only get himself mindlessly drunk and I fear him going over board. But it doesn’t make it any easier when he is sober. How do you tell someone who thinks ‘you are the one’ that he is indeed not for you? I am lost for words or thoughts. I am truly shattered about this. I haven’t felt so awful in a looong, long time.

How do I always end up in the same situation? I hate having a crush and realising too late that I am not really in love, whilst the guy is mindlessly falling in love with me. I hate it, and I think that is the main reason I don’t want a relationship. I don’t want to hurt any more people.

it is over before it began…

Long story short, the conversation got really shallow after what I told you guys in my last post. On Tuesday evening he texted me “Sorry” and I asked what for. His reply “I always talk about things that don’t matter. I can’t just forget about the last few weeks. I can’t wrap my head around this situation. I mean, I’m doing okay mostly, but sometimes I just don’t understand why this happened. So I ask for some patience with me.
I firstly asked myself what he was talking about “the last few weeks”, not that much happened between the two of us. There were never any confessions, yes we kissed but that was it. So what has been going on in his head exactly? Seems like a lot more than in mine.
I know he didn’t mean to upset me or anything, but I got really mad. I never told him to NOT write me or anything similar to this. I replied “Stop apologising for everything and anything. I never told you not to talk to me.” – because it really does make me mad. It feels like he just apologises because he thinks I’m mad, which I’m not. And I feel like you really have to mean it when you apologise to anyone.
After that… he didn’t write for the longest time. I didn’t care too much to be honest, I somehow have gotten over this, when I realised I really didn’t want this. I was even a bit glad to get some time to breathe, without having to think about everything I do or feeling bad about certain things.

Aaaanyway. Today he texted me the following:
Hey, how are you doing? I know what you told me and I respect your opinion. But I still want to ask you: Would you like to meet up this weekend or come to that party with me?
Once more, this really got me mad. What about ‘not seeing each other weekly’ is not to understand? What is not understandable about this? I don’t want to see him, he knows that I’m ill anyway, so why the fuck does he keep asking? I just told him that I wanted to stay home and get healthy again. But really, does he understand what I am about? I don’t think so. All I do right now is getting mad at him for everything, and I know it might not be fair to him but he just keeps triggering these things.