crush

I met Crush on my holidays in Greece. He’s Polish and we got along perfectly. There never was a kiss or anything a like, but somehow I had gotten to like him very much. However, such as holidays are, there came the day to leave and we didn’t get to say goodbye. I did message with him on Facebook every now and then, but he’d only reply when I was the first to text. So somewhen I just didn’t. (June 2016)

update

It has been a while and if anyone has wondered, I am better. I got a letter from my gyn that at least everything else has turned out negative, so I just need to go back and see where or why that inflammation showed up. It’s alright, life will give me what I deserve. If that happens to not be kids, it’s gonna be alright.
I am somewhat in a bad place, because I had to leave my work place again and I really gotten to love them and they treated me very well. I am now just hanging onto the hope, that I can one day return there once I’m done with my studies. Until then I gotta be strong for the next 1.5 years.

Now a little update on ‘my’ guys, I guess you deserve this:

  • I have not heard from crush for over 2 months now, and it’s alright. I’m going to Germany tomorrow and I’m totally okay with not spending 3 times as much money for my holidays there instead of visiting him.
  • Dan has messaged me several times in the last few days about me visiting his city. I did not reply to any of the messages, as I am just over him. He really just annoyed me whenever we texted and he’s totally not for me. I did tell him several times that I did not intend to see him, so it’s not like I’m ghosting him. If we would happen to bump into each other, so be it. But I guess the chance is tiny. I will spend a nice time with my friend there and then that’s it. I moved Dan to the past-section.
  • I have messaged D again this week and we have been texting on and off. I only noticed yesterday when a colleague said he was there to visit, that it was the same day he texted me “you weren’t at work today?!” I didn’t think much of it back then, so that’s kinda funny, as he asked how long I was working and I said 3 weeks – to which he said, he will visit afterwards then.
    To make matters worse, I met another guy at work. He’s not really my type of guy, but he’s really nice and we had a blast. However – as I mentioned above – I left work yesterday and I didn’t get to say goodbye to him, as he was sleeping when I entered the room. I messaged him on facebook, but facebook is a huge pain in the arse when it comes to messaging guys you’re not friends with (it shows up in the ‘other’ section without any notification whatsoever). We’ll see, maybe I’m gonna send him a friend request somewhen.
  • No text message from guy’s friend. We’re friends on instagram now, but no messages. And that’s alright.
  • Also Kenny has showed up once more, however I’m at a place, where I know he’s no good for me. I like how he still tries to flirt with me and I totally let him. But my heart is turned off right now, so that’s alright.

 

That’s all.

update on my currents

Just to let you know, how my lovelife is not going. Another quick update on my ‘currents’:

  • Haven’t heard from crush in a while. He declined my friend request so I’ll definitely leave it be and I am so glad I didn’t decide to go there for holidays. It would have been such a let down.
  • Mr. Wave, well my workout routine has been pretty damn shitty over the last month, so I haven’t been to the pool again and therefore haven’t seen him again. Should go there again on Friday. Maybe.
  • D hasn’t texted me as well. It’s funny though, we talked about guys at work last time and everybody was asking me about D, even after what happened with Dan. Which is funny, because some said he was definitely interested in me despite having a girlfriend. I wasn’t that sure after I heard he had been flirting with another colleague but whatever. Maybe I’ll text him again some day, maybe not. It was nice while it lasted 😉
  • That guy of my friend? Short story about him: my friend has been in a relationship for about 3 years and she always told me that her boyfriend’s best friend would totally be my type of guy personality wise. After the failure of a setup from another friend of mine, I was not interested. When I went to her birthday party last Sunday I met him. I immediately thought of what she’d said when they introduced as as best friends of the couple. I didn’t want to overreact though and just was me. We got to talk quickly and she was right, he totally was my type of guy. He was funny, sarcastic, cute, straightforward and so on. Everything I need and love in a guy. So when I left I was kinda bummed to not have any way to contact him. I texted my best friend, saying that she was right about him. She’s sneaky. So she gave him my number, telling that story and that he could text me. He said something about not being over his last ‘love’ yet, but he will text me once he was. I haven’t received a text message yet, which sucks. But it’s alright. It just shows he’s truthful and honest with himself and I love that. Who knows? Maybe one day we’ll meet again. Maybe this was a quick blow.
  • Update on Dan is to come!

decisions

I have gotten myself into kind of a stupid situation. I have been somewhat sad about Crush not reply anymore but got used to it again. A few days ago I did message one of the girls I met back there and felt like, why not text him as well? What is there to lose? And as I was looking into probably booking my holidays last weekend, I figured I could as well check if he even knew who I was anymore, right?

Short recap: my last text message to him was telling him about me probably going over again in October as I asked him how long he’ll be there for. He didn’t reply anymore, so I was somewhat bummed and figured he didn’t want to see me. I left him be for almost 1.5 months and he never texted me so I figured he was done with me. So I just texted him asking how he was doing.

Well there’s two problems with that now. He did reply pretty quickly and was as sweet as ever with me. He has been texting with me for a couple of days now, which never happened before and has made me miss him more again.
However, I did go and look into booking my holidays in October to see him one more time last weekend. It would be possible, but with a lot of detours. One it’s pretty damn expensive, second I can’t even book one flight but have to change flights, which is unusual, third I would have to go by myself and it wouldn’t even be worth, as they have hurricanes at these times.
So I have been asking myself if I really want to go through all of this to probably just be let down, because I was making this all up in my head. There’s a high chance he wouldn’t even recognise me, right? Maybe he doesn’t even know who I am and is just being nice calling me sweety and sweetheart.

Crush is amazing – don’t get me wrong. He is pretty similar to me, which is weird. I have never felt this kind of connection before. But I also know that I probably read too much into these things, that I do not know him that well and there’s a high chance I will never see him again afterwards. And I’m also pretty sure that he doesn’t feel the same way.

So do I want to get my heart ripped out of my chest once more? Do I want to go through the trouble of having to face Chris again? Do I book these holidays or enjoy the week with a friend somewhere more suitable?

Still here, at least passively.

It’s been a while, huh?… This is not going to be lengthy, I just wanted to let you know that I am still alive.

My mind has been at a much better place in these last few weeks. I don’t feel as lonely anymore although I still do have the wish to leave this country. For some reason Stan has also slipped back into my mind more often, but I usually just push these thoughts away.

There’s no new guy around whatsoever and I am also not interested in finding one. I do talk to guys at work and that’s about as close as I get to a romance. And I am more than okay about that fact.

However. These last couple of days I have been missing Crush again. He has not replied to my last message for an entire month now. For some reason I do expect him to reply somewhen, so I don’t really want to bother him anyway. But maybe he’s forgotten about me?! I have also been thinking about if I really should book my holidays at the end of October. I’m sure he would be happy to see me again, but is it worth the effort (and money)? I don’t know. I still have a month to think about it.

How’s all your life going?

what life throws at me

Quick update: There’s not much news on the boys-front. I haven’t heard from any of the guys from holidays. And I’m actually okay about it. I do think I struggled so much with Crush, because I just never questioned him replying to my message. I never second guessed his personality or what I thought of it. And when he didn’t reply I felt mistreated, I lost faith in my own “knowledge” of human nature. But now that he has answered, I have calmed. I don’t expect him to keep up the conversation. Sure, it would be lovely, but I never had that expectation in the first place so I’m not sad about him not talking to me.

On a whole other topic though:
Does anyone have a similar feeling like that? Or ever had before?

I have had a plan of my life ever since I can think. I always just guessed that life would go this way, not in a detailed way but just the big steps in life. Like marriage, profession, boyfriend, love,.. whatever. So you’re just really certain that certain things will happen some time in life?

Well.. ever since I can remember I wanted to have kids. I saw myself in a family, as a mother. A lot of people tell me how good of a mother I would be, even strangers. So I never  second guessed that this would happen some day.
A few months ago this changed. I don’t think there was a certain reason – or I can’t recall one at least, but I just had a feeling that I would never become a mother in this life. It’s not that I don’t want to be one, but I feel like I’m not going to get it.
At first I felt like I might be infertile (don’t know where that came from, really!), then I questioned whether I would ever find someone I would truly find a good father in. Or one that would want to have kids with me. And then there was just the feeling of not getting it for whatever reason.
I can’t explain why or what it exactly started it, but it hasn’t left me ever since. I wasn’t really sad about it. I was upset at first, because the thought of not getting my one wish from life was terrifying. But is it really? I know there are other options, and nowadays it’s not a problem to have kids on my own. But that’s never what I had wanted, I want the family. So I don’t plan to just get kids for the sake of having kids. I want the whole package.

And just a few weeks ago I have finally somehow started to feel okay with it. I didn’t feel like all my life lost its reason, but that I can still make the best of it. I sure would love a family, I would love kids to look after. But I can look after my patients, I have my nephew and niece, my friends will have kids. It’s okay. It’s not always going to go my way, and I will learn to be okay with that.

But who knows what the future will bring, right?!

unexpected things do happen!

You will not believe what happened last night!

After I went to bed and being happy with the day I spent with Mr. Cucu, I woke up refreshed and more or less happy. I am so grateful for the friendship with Mr. Cucu and have been thinking about a relationship with him again. Something has shifted between us, I’m not sure if I’m just reading too much into the little things, but I have been at that stage before. There never was much personal stuff from his side. But he has asked me to his flat several times now and also tells me how much he misses to go on holidays with me. We rarely text when we feel down, which is weird for our friendship. Yet I know he’s always there. He also – for the first time – talked about his ex-girlfriend with me yesterday. So you know. It’s hard to describe our friendship, but I appreciate him.

Anyway.
I saw that my mobile phone was blinking when I woke up this morning and didn’t think much of it. Once I unlocked it, I saw that someone had messaged me on facebook. Still didn’t think much of it, because.. well it’s facebook, you know. Usually not much use.
Now, this is gonna sound very weird and stupid. But I did believe Crush would message me one day. And he did!
20160626_103432I just didn’t think he was that kind of guy to just ignore me or play with me. He was a genuinely nice guy and although he might have told other girls cute names, I just didn’t think he would play around like this. He is special, I felt it. So that probably was the reason why I was so sad about him not answering in the first place. Because I didn’t truly expect him to.
I still do not know why he never showed up when I left, but I won’t ask him either. The message he sent me is more than enough for me to be happy for now. “I wish that we meet again” was this wonderful sentence that totally made my day at 9am in the morning. Maybe he just said that because of my blabbering on and love-confession I sent him 2 weeks ago. Maybe he just didn’t want to disappoint me and that’s why he said that. I’ll never know. I don’t get my hopes up, but this is a very cute message.

So, I am happy. No, I still don’t believe in a fairytale, but it’s great to know that I have not all of a sudden vanished from his mind 🙂

update on my mind

My blog posts have been all over the place lately. And so has my mind. Today however I feel better in general. I have found some peace at last. I’m not great, but dealing okay.

Firstly, I am so occupied with work, that I don’t have a lot of time to think about what happened or is happening. When I get home, I’m usually so tired I go to sleep or just get busy with playing games on my phone to switch my mind off things. Maybe that’s a bad way to not deal with my emotions, but right now it’s the only way I can handle.
Sure, I am still sad about how things went these last few weeks. I did hope I could keep in contact with the guys from the animation team, but I also knew deep down that it would be very difficult and it needed to be both sided. Which it obviously wasn’t. However, I am doing a lot better than I thought I would be at that time. Maybe it’s just the realisation. Life goes on, and so do I. It’s sad, because I really felt like Crush was special, but whatever. Also it doesn’t take a lot to get me back to sad-state, as I’m friends with most of them on facebook and whenever pictures pop up with them, it makes me sad.
Example: Lex uploaded a picture with a few guys today. It made me realise that he might have just wanted to get in my pants, like it was probably his plan all along and then I ask myself with how many girls he’s slept with ever since. But I need to shut my brain off when it comes to these kind of things. It was just sex. Just sex.

Secondly, I have come to a point where I just take life day by day. I try not to think about the future too much and just take one step at a time right now. I can’t change the future – well, yes I can, but you get me, right? So what is there in for me to nag about things I can’t change right now? If life wants me to get away, I will go in less than 2 years. If it doesn’t, there will be a damn good reason not to.

Thirdly, although I wanted to be left alone most of the time the last few weeks, simply because I feel like my friends don’t give a shit… I went out with Mr. Cucu tonight. Although I was so annoyed because I was stuck in traffic for 45minutes and had a headache when I arrived, as soon as I saw and hugged him, I was all good again. He’s just a guy that can keep my mind off things and I love him for that. I truly do. He invited me over to his place and we talked for over an hour and I just miss him being closer to my home. But he’s great. He really is.
I just feel let down from my other friends for several reasons. I did tell a few about my emotions, and yes, they listened and tried to give me hope and advice. But as soon as that conversation was done (like 2 weeks ago) there was never a question back if I was better by now. And that’s when I feel like they don’t care, so I won’t talk to them anymore. For example, I haven’t seen my girl-“best friend” in about 6-7 months. Probably even more. It actually was right before Stan broke up with me. So that’s been ages.
Yes, she has asked me to meet several times, but you know how one feels if she’s like “I’m writing my master thesis, I moved in with my boyfriend, I got new kittens, I work, I am so busy blahblahblah.” And then when she’s like done with everything, and all of a sudden I need to make time for her, because.. well she’s ready now? I don’t like this kind of behaviour and that’s why I never actually made time for her anymore. She didn’t even tell me about moving in with her boyfriend until 1 week before they moved. Seriously?

I’m still on Tinder, and have met some guys on there. However, after reading Hookup Cultures post today, I realised that I am not ready to date. I like the attention, yes. But as soon as there is one tiny detail a guy has, I find a reason not to date him. I have been like this ever since I broke up with Momo… and even with Momo I feel like, I could have worked through these issues. But oh well, it’s the way it is right now. And I don’t really care about dating right now anyway.

If it ever happens, that’s alright, if it doesn’t, it’s alright as well.