Gohan

Gohan. What can I tell you about him? We dated for 3ish months in late 2012, we had sex once and he decided after being all clingy and sweet, that he only wanted to have fun in the first place. Not ready for a relationship – or something like that. I bumped into him again 1.5 years later (in 2014) and we talked normally. Up until then we did not talk at all. I then found him to be quite a good friend to me, I could be completely honest with and he also changed a lot in this time. But then again I cannot imagine him to be my boyfriend right now. (September-December 2012)

meeting Gohan again

So. That “date” yesterday didn’t turn out how I expected it to. Well, I didn’t expect much, did I? I wanted to leave all options open, although I did think about how I wasn’t allowed to have sex for yet another week because of my surgery. So you can imagine how far my imagination had gone by the time I reread all the old posts about Gohan.

My mind got really messed by the time I met up with him. I was thinking about getting back in a relationship with him, or maybe just having a friendship with benefits. I wondered why things never worked out. I imagined how nice it would be, to have someone this close (in distance)… To sum things up: my mind was flying at around 130mph.

But then, when I saw him at the train station… after the first thing he said, I remembered why we didn’t work out. As mean as this may sound, but I just knew I could never ever be with him, just like I said on all these other posts about him.
We don’t share a lot of common interests and do see life from very different points of view. He talks a lot about himself. He has a lot of issues with his personality and tries to verify them with things that have nothing to do with it. And he’s just weird. There’s nothing wrong with being weird, but he’s so proud of being different… it’s just not what I like in a guy.

I went home at 1am after driving him home, so we spent a good 4 hours talking. Or rather him talking for like 3.5 of them. But with each minute I just felt more and more uncomfortable. At first things were okay, we talked and it was nice to meet someone I haven’t seen in so long. But by 11pm I got really tired and just wanted to be left alone. He didn’t realise. By 12.30am he said we should head home and he was mumbling something about going home and watching some Netflix. I wasn’t sure if he meant for me to join, but I knew I would not go to his house. It ended up being no question, so that was fine for me.

All summed up: it was nice to see him, but that’ll leave me satisfied for a looong time. We haven’t texted since either. He was very touchy and cuddley and kept telling me how “sexless” he was, to which I didn’t say anything. He asked me to give him my jacket or warm him up, which I found so weird that I didn’t reply. He asked why I didn’t reply and I was like “I’m not gonna give you my jacket!” Like, what?! I didn’t feel the need to cuddle him or whatever, although he tried several times. But I guess after a while he realised I would not give him what he wanted.
He also apologised for how he’s treated me after the breakup. He realised that he was very emotionally unavailable and was not reacting how he should have. But I have long gotten over it, so it was no big deal. Sure it was nice to see that he realised he behaved wrong… but you know, it’s been 5 years.

As I said, it was okay. But nothing like I expected. Not exactly in a bad way, but not in a good way either. It did make me want to date again though. But oh well…

guess who showed up?

As you all know by now, whenever I don’t post much, there simply is nothing to talk about. Alan has still vanished from this my world, which is fine for me. Doc is away for a month now and hasn’t texted in a week, which is absolutely fine as well. Have somewhat gotten over the idea anyway.

What is new though: I’m going out with Gohan tonight. I know. I don’t know where this has come from either. I don’t think many remember him. We dated a while back, I guess about 5-7 years but will have to read back on that story. We had sex once and then just stopped seeing each other for whatever reason – I can’t recall.

Well, last week I bumped into him. Not so much physically, because I didn’t actually talk to him because I only realised too late and he didn’t notice me. But I did let him know by text and he said it was a pity I didn’t talk to him, because it would have been fun. To which I replied we could meet up anyway and not only have to see each other whenever we occasionaly bump into each other. I mean we haven’t seen each other on purpose since we dated back in 2012 (I have read back on it now). Last night he asked whether I was free tonight, so yes. I am going out with him.

I have absolutely no idea what to expect. He told me that he has gotten very antisocial and needed some friends to get out of the house. I have been pretty much the same over the last few years (or actually… I have always been like that), so it seemed perfect to me. He understands what I go through. And we have always been on good terms, even after we ‘broke up’.

I don’t expect anything to happen tonight, but I am somewhat curious. Everything is so open and everything could happen. We’re both single, we know each other, we’re weird. I do think we’ll just catch up on these last few years and definitely will have a good talk. But there’s a subtle nervousity in me, because we used to date. And now that I have been reading back on a few posts I wrote about him, a weird feeling has shown itself again. I do not think we’ll kiss or anything, but there has always been a connection between the two of us. We’ll see. I’ll let you know how it went!

On a whole other topic: Ken and I are talking again. He actually texted me this morning, telling me that he’d found a hair from me on his handcuffs. Well, where did that come from? Haha, he has a new girlfriend, so I’m not sure why he is telling me this. I mean it has been 2 years. But whatever. Thanks for the info, I guess. 😀

What even is life?

Life is really weird right now. I’m talking like.. reeeeally weird. I haven’t yet figured out what it is, but something is off. But let’s go through some things that have happened since my last post (I just realised that it has only been a week… how?.. what?!)

1) I didn’t see Ken. Things have been absolutely weird with him. He didn’t talk to me on Friday, as I mentioned and I think it was on Sunday we talked about this whole thing. It literally was a huge misunderstanding. I haven’t changed my mind about not getting into a relationship with him, but there’s something about him. Long story short, he has said that he will get his walls up again so I don’t see his feelings (which doesn’t really work, but we’ll let him believe so). He is still telling me that he likes me. But then again is talking about just being friends. BUT is really jealous when I told him about meeting a guy the other day. What?!
Also this last week something has happened, that has really caught me off guard and I was literally crying all day for no reason. The first person that came into my mind? Ken. What?!… so yeah we are talking. We are fighting. We are flirting. It’s a cycle and yes, I do enjoy it somehow.

2) My ex, Momo, has texted me the other day. I was just messing around with some guys when I saw a number popping up on my phone. Now let’s make something clear: I never ever delete numbers, unless I am super angry. I didn’t even think about the ex when I opened the message, but then saw his picture. Well. He was trying to have small talk. When I cut him off, he texted me on Wednesday “would you like to meet up?” and I was like “why the hell would I do that?” I’m gonna type his reply out:
“Because you are still on my mind. And even if I doubt that there will ever be more than friendship, I’d like us to try.”
It was in the middle of the night. I read it probably about 30 times and there was just one thing on my mind: W.T.F.??? Ermm… no?!
So I went back to sleep and replied the following the next morning: “You can get that thought out of your mind right now. Too much has happened. And I am not yet ready for a friendship. I am not okay with ignoring what has happened.. once more. I am still too hurt and too angry with you” to which he replied “I understand. No I can’t, even if it seems like that. Wish you just the best”.

What did I just read? So this was a thing. I was actually happy, finally getting it off my chest. But then today schoolmate F (who’s a good friend of Momo (and used to be my best friend)) texted me. At some point he asked whether I was angry with him and I told him that I was really annoyed with his reaction in January. Long story short, he said that Momo was regretting what he’s done and he was still in love with me and would like to see me and what not. So I just told him that it was way too late for anything like that.
I am just angry about how they could even think that I’d give this relationship another chance? How dare you come after 6 months (!!!!) and act like nothing happened, asking for yet another chance? How dare you think I would even think about that? I have given you way too many chances to make things right. And with these little sentences you showed me just once more that you have not changed a bit. Not even now.

Anyway.. too much of the depressive sh*t.

3) I bumped into Gohan yesterday. It was really weird and made me way much more happy than it should have. I was searching for a bus on the train station, when I saw a guy coming towards me. I wasn’t 100% sure if it was really him, but then he looked up and I waved. He came straight to me, hugged me (a bit too tight) and was really happy. Like. I could tell he was happy. He told me that he was in a rush and what I was doing, so I told him what I was searching for. He was actually taking his time to show me where the bus was waiting and made sure I got on the right bus. Like. Wow. We talked like we did when we used to date and when he had to go, he hugged me again. Not like a friend would hug me though. He was caressing my back, hugged me for like 10 seconds (so it didn’t really make it a “goodbye-hug”, ya know?!) and went off. I just sat there and was thinking about the time we dated. What made me fall in love with him the first time. I was also thinking about texting him but then decided against it. Soon enough I got a text from him “really cool to see you!” and I replied saying that it felt really good to see him, too. I actually miss dating him, is that weird?

remember old ones?

Remember Gohan? Back from 2012?… well I guess not, huh. Long story short: We used to date for 3ish months back in 2012, had sex once, I was in love with him,.. he was the first one I trusted to have sex with ever since my first time. We did have a blast and did get along perfectly for the longest time. He was the first one, which was in my life for longer than a few weeks. I really did think that it will work out. He lived close to my place (unlike many others). I trusted him. We could talk for the longest time. Just. A fit.

For some reason though, we ended up not talking to each other. I think he only wanted fun back then, not sure though, whilst I was deeply in love with him. Therefore couldn’t really separate feelings from fun aka sex. I just know that I did not want to see or talk to him for the longest time because he really hurt me.

Well anyway. 2 weeks ago when I had to pick something up for my boyfriend in the city – of course – I bumped into Gohan. I hadn’t seen him since we dated – so that makes it almost 1.5 years. Not sure how to behave, or on what terms we were, I said hi. Every other time I might have just ignored him, but as he’s seen me and we were crossing paths like 2 feet or something… I was late for an appointement at the doctors however, so I just hurried on. I then apologised later for being in such a hurry and not talking to him properly.

Anyway, he’s texted me today so we started talking again. I have the weirdest feelings about it right now. Not that I have a crush on him or anything, it’s just that old tingly thing when you remember how exciting the time was. How much time we’ve spent together and it just clicked. I do love Momo and there is nothing what will change that, it’s just weird. What is even weirder about the whole situation is, that Gohan and I talked about our time. And he texted me the following:

 I really do think that you’re cool. Just being honest, you know. To be completely honest: I really liked you back then and I was a dumbass because I let ourselves get into something I did not want back then, and I’m really sorry about that. (Guess he’s talking about a relationship here).

So although I would really love to talk about the time and somehow relive those feelings, I told him that I’ve met “my man” and everything is perfect and therefore there is nothing to regret we did back then. He hasn’t replied to that one yet. Oh well.

Sometimes I just miss my old dates. Does that make any sense? Just the sensation of meeting someone new, get to know each other, not being sure about things. I love my relationship with Momo and it gives me all I need. I can depend on him and I do need him, but you know…?

PS: I have also updated the pages on the left, as it was much needed.

Gohan vs. Steve

Steve has texted me the following day. As if nothing has ever happened. I didn’t reply. I’m sick of his game. It’s been like this whenever we had an argument. He’ll be sorry and then just act as if nothing has happened. Nope, not gonna work with me. I wanna talk about our problems and not just ignore them. Because I  know that at some point, we’ll have problems if we don’t learn it now. And I know that he has a problem with being in a bad mood, but heck that’s life!? You can’t always expect life to be perfect and all happy.

Also I have gotten his card from holidays, which was sweet. But it just leaves me at a stupid place, where I don’t want to be. I don’t know what to do, or how to react anymore. I don’t want him to think that we can just go over everything just like that, but I want him back, too. I miss him. Way too much. I miss his cute behaviour. The things he used to say. I want my Steve back. Today I said to a co-worker “you see. I have a boyfriend ” – happy face of my co-worker – “but I haven’t talked to him for 3 week so yeah. I’m going off now, get some fun with others”. Not so happy anymore. We’ll see how the weekend goes, because I’m going out now.

Enough of Steve.

I have found myself thinking about Gohan a lot lately. Since the thing with Steve and I is not going very well, I have thought back. I miss him. I  haven’t talked to him ever since, but I miss him. The fun we had. He was such an uncomplicated person, he was just.. him. We never really argued (apart from the pot) and he just was the way he was. He was confident this way and I loved that about him. I know that I had my reasons why I was so angry with him and he wasn’t perfect at all.. Also we would never get along anymore, but it’s just… I have been thinking back of this easy time. When I just left the house for a quick visit to his house. It has been so … easy going. I didn’t have to think about what I said or did, because I just felt comfortable around him. And I miss this. I want someone around me who is easy-going. I don’t want to have to think about whether I can say things or not. I want to be able to tease the people around me, without them  being mad about it. I want to have people around me, which have fun, despite my mood or being. So yes, I miss Gohan. But not as a person, but to be around.

Also Kevin and I have been talking a LOT lately. It just clicks with him.. I almost never feel missunderstood by him and we just always have something to talk about. When I’m texting with Steve, I always feel like searching for a topic he is interested in. But Kevin and I just keep blabbering and chattering about everything and nothing. Also I am talking to him daily as much as I do with Steve monthly. No joking. So yes, I might as well see and date Kevin and see how this goes. By now I really feel like I’m being mean to Kevin for not meeting. Steve had his chance, and he is now messing up. So why not meet Kevin and just see how it goes. Who knows, maybe we won’t even get along. I’m just so over overthinking everything I do just because I don’t know what Steve wants because he won’t talk to me. Is that so wrong?

another oldie.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I have been thinking about my ‘exes’ a lot lately. I changed the CD in my car today to the band “Smile Empty Soul”. Maybe I shouldn’t have,… it’s a band Gohan showed me and all the feelings came back to me. I’m somehow real good at hiding memories, getting them far far away from my daily life. But in situations such as that one, it hits me even harder. I missed him terribly, although I couldn’t ever be with him anymore. I missed touching his face or cuddling him while laying my head on his chest because he’s so much taller than me.

I miss being in love. Or having someone to flirt with.

Also I wanted to go on holidays with a friend of mine in summer break. He then told me that another guy is coming along. Which happens to be a guy I was in love with (like 3 years ago!) and he suddenly didn’t talk to me anymore because ‘he was not ready for a relationship’ (and 2 months later he got together with his now-girlfriend). I’m not someone to be mad at someone for a long time, but I don’t think I could be next to him ever again. Even less spend a whole week together. I think he was the one who hurt me the most by far, although we never even got together in the first place.

And as if that wasn’t enough: Bayne has been real weird. Not like behaving weird, but saying things which make me think. I’ve written a text on one of my pages about the man I’d love to marry (I’ll add it to the end of this post). Anyway so Bayne has read this text and yesterday he said “well, maybe I should bleach my hair?!”.. we didn’t even talk about that subject so it caught me off guard. What the heck?

 

I want a guy who’s childish and funny but can be mature as well. I want a guy who loves to laugh and isn’t ashamed of weird situations. I like blond hair to tousle and dark eyes, possibly tall. I want someone who says what he wants, but also listens to me sometimes. Someone who likes his freedom and who’s not jealous all the time. Someone who’s nice to the people around him and who isn’t shallow. One who doesn’t go out all the time, but rather stays at home. One who can deal with kids and want some of his own. One who doesn’t smoke and neither takes drugs. One to be quick on the trigger and who can deal with my teasing. I don’t want a guy who’s easily offended, or I would’ve become a lesbian (no offense!). I want a man I can look up to. I want someone who’s self-confident but not snotty.

It doesn’t really matter, because in the end you get whatever you don’t wish for. But I’m allowed to dream, right?

Awkward.

Today is Gohan’s birthday.
Since we ‘broke up’ (there wasn’t really anything to break up in the first place) we haven’t talked once. Not like ever. So it’s been … holy crap, it’s already been 5 months since I last talked to him.
I still think about him every now and then and I have been thinking about whether to text him a Happy Birthday message or not, but I decided against it. I do not want to talk to him again because it would upset me. Maybe I’m still not completely over him although I didn’t even know whether I have been in love with him in the first place. I guess I was. I just don’t know whether I could deal with him being in my life again. I’d be afraid to fall for him again, because he made me feel so much better while we were ‘together’. I’m not even mad at him for beingvsuch a dickhead, I’m mad because I still think about him despite his behaviour.
After everything I’ve been through with him and having the knowledge that we could never work out, I still think about him in this way sometimes. It’s not a lot, but mostly when I’m feeling lonely.

So yes, I have been feeling awkward lately.